First attempt at 40,000 fanfiction - criticism welcome

[Knight of the Raven]

As the title states, I'm looking for criticism on how to make my writing better. How to avoid relying on name generators is one way.

 

 

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Human eyes would have been little better than blind amidst such heavy fog, but it was no match for the full-spectrum's filtering of Caelia's helmet. This planet's star had barely started its journey across the sky but she saw as clearly as in broad daylight.

Thick, beech-like trees stood proudly around them, twisted and ageless. Strong, leafy branches stretched high above, shrouding what little of the forest wasn't swathed in mist with darkness. Caelia knew from experience each black leaf could effortlessly cut through her hardened cloak.

Less dangerous shrubs of several species covered the vast space between each tree. Most of the area's wildlife dwelled there, amidst dark grey trunks and brightly colored foliage. The strange mix of rodent and lizard that populated the forest this time of the day fled before them, their hunt for food forgotten in their rush for safety.

Nearly unbreakable roots crisscrossed beneath the beaten path, turning it into a bumpy mess. Caelia's lips curled up and she chuckled soundlessly as she heard Agathe trip and swear quietly behind her. Her voice rang distinctly in her ears above the sound of her footsteps and her power armor's soft humming.

The forest opened up ahead, fog looming ominously over the glade like the threat of war. Her walk slowed down to a stop in the middle of the grassy clearing and her fellow sisters instinctively surrounded her, training their bolters on the border just as they inspected it.

Caelia scowled when she spotted a member of one of the few species who braved the trees; a disheveled ape with winged arms swooping from one branch to another. Seeing these distasteful parodies of a human never failed to sour her day.

She pressed a point of her gorget with one finger. "Caelia to headquarters. No sign of evolved xenos in clearing beta."

The comm-link crackled. "Proceed to clearing gamma."

"Yes, mistress."

Caelia nodded at her squadmates and they went on their way. Foliage became lower and denser as they marched forwards, and she made sure to lift her head to scan the overhanging branches. Some were large and strong enough to carry a full-grown man. Her preysight yielded no result and she looked back down, satisfied.

Seconds later, twin dull hums sounded from nothing a few feet behind her and Caelia's hair stood on end. A strangled choke followed as she whirled around, bolter shouldered and finger on the trigger, weapon pointed on the sister bringing up the rear, Karin. Two shining blades stuck out of her abdomen armor. They twisted within her, tearing a pained cough from her throat. Karin's shoulders sagged and her head lolled to one side as she dropped her bolter and began to fall, before the blades disappeared and she was kicked to the ground.

The xenos stood defiant before them, glowing crimson lenses piercing through the fog. Its armor fit its feminine form snugly, trading resilience for mobility. A luxuriant mane akin to a flame adorned the back of its high helm. A thin red mist rose from her swords.

"Howling Banshee!" screamed Caelia as her bolter barked. "Turn off your voxes!"

A distorted laugh echoed as the sisters spread out to evade and then encircle the eldar. An instant later, Caelia felt her very mind shatter as an inhumane shriek tore through them. Her weapon fell from her twitching hands whereas Olivia unwillingly emptied her magazine into the ground. Agathe staggered and dropped her bolter as well, and so did Mia.

The laugh returned at the same time as Caelia's senses. She saw the exarch swirl gracefully around Mia and Agathe, cleaving their necks as though they were unarmored with its mirrorswords. Their bodies slumped heavily on the ground, their helmeted heads following suit and blood staining the black grass.

Olivia rushed for her bolter and found her skull split in half from top to spine as soon as her fingers touched the grip. Caelia backed away while unsheathing her combat knife.

"You should have left this maiden world when we ordered you to, mon-keigh." The warped voice made Caelia's head pound. "Now you will die."

Just as it lunged and she stabbed forward, its head exploded in a gory mess. Soft tissue, fragments of bone and blood obscured her vision as they landed on her helmet. Caelia barely dodged the mirrorswords as the momentum sent the body whirling toward her. She stared at the headless corpse for a few seconds before looking back at her savior.

Karin looked at her, her lenses dulling as life hung on her body. She was propped up on her bolter, one hand struggling to keep it angled high enough to slay the xenos and the other slipping off lifelessly from the trigger. The weapon was slick with blood, and so was the ground beneath her. She coughed up and stiffened, head bobbing before she collapsed and her weapon slipped from her grasp.

Caelia knew she had been smirking all the while.

She crouched down beside Karin, gazing despondently into the faded lenses. Caelia mouthed a silent prayer for her soul and those of her sisters before starting her vox to life.

"Caelia to headquarters, ambushed with four casualties." Eyes burning with hatred turned to the eldar. "Xenos appear to have found a way to hide from our full-spectrum filtering." She looked back to her squadmates. "I'll stay to prevent desecration of the bodies. Send a team to secure them."

A shriek echoed from somewhere deep in the forest.

"Send it fast."

[Kol Saresk]

Okay, serious critique. Try not to repeat words too much in a sentence. Or a paragraph for that matter. Too much of one word can kill the mood.

 

For example make " She could make out the noises of animals fleeing their arrival or living their lives deeper through the forest." look a it more like "She could make out the noises of the animals fleeing the intruders, or living their lives deeper in the forest." Doesn't have to be exactly like that, but you can get the gist of it. And to be honest, that seems to be the number one problem: repetition of words. A little punctuation here and there, but altogether, actually not too bad. Also, add some imagery. Are the trees thick and Amazonian? Or are they massive oaks, spread apart and leaving plenty of room? Maybe there's a ton of underbrush. I can get an idea that they are in a forest, but I have no idea what it looks like.

 

Now for the good news. You're really able to get the tone across. The whole piece has a subtle undercurrent to it that keeps pulling the reader along. And to be honest, that's very important. You could be the best speller in the whole world with 100% grammar, but if you can't keep the reader interested, it's crap.

 

Summary, you're off to a decent start.

[Knight of the Raven]

Thanks for taking the time to read and write a critique. I'll work on it as soon as I'm able, though I don't guarantee success.

[Kol Saresk]

Thanks for taking the time to read and write a critique. I'll work on it as soon as I'm able, though I don't guarantee success.

No problem. And as long as you can grow, that's all that matters right now.

[Knight of the Raven]

Rewritten.

[WG Vrox]

The hardest thing for me to do after I write, even something like what I am writing here, is to re-read what I wrote while keeping my mind's eye blind to what I think I wrote.  Let me explain; when we write we have words queued up in our minds that we are ready to type out, what sometimes happens is we flip from past, present or future tense while we write those words. The best cure I have found for this is to write until I am out of words without going back to edit, I then let the written material sit or as I call it "cure" for a day. When I come back, I pick up the piece like I am reading another person's material.  Regardless of when you do read your material for editing, it is important that you do not allow your mind to fill in for words that are not there or change the words that are.  Here is an example. 

 

 

This planet's star had barely starting its journey across the sky but she saw as clearly as in broad daylight. 

change starting to started or begun 

 

 

Other than keeping your past and present tense sentence structure consistent, I only only found the following needing attention. 

 

 

The strange mix of rodent and lizard that populated this time of the day fled before them, their hunt for food forgotten in their rush for safety. 

..lizard that populated the forest this time of day..... 

 

Great read, your writing is compelling and has great imagery so keep em coming.  

[Inquisitor Ehrenstein]

I think it's descriptive, so that's good.

 

You have a lot of girls in it though.

[Knight of the Raven]

I like women better than men. Thanks for the comment.

 

Sorry for the delay, this story had slipped my mind while I focused my writing on another fandom.

 

I corrected the two mistakes you mentioned, WG Vrox. Thanks for the advice, I'll try to work more on consistent tenses.