The Epic Saga of Captain Tiberius Tiberius Stronghands

[Lord_Caldera]

As Told Verbatim By My Idiot Friends         

 

     It was a dark and stormy night. Captain Tiberius Tiberius
Stronghands pulled out his bolter and fired four shots in the air, killing the
Harridan. How the Necrons had managed to enslave one was beyond him. Feeling secure,
he finally managed to squeak out a few drops of urine, something he hadn’t
managed to do for the first eighteen hours of battle. As with all members of
the Horses of the Emperors, his prostate empowered him to aim without a sight,
but allowed him to pee every five minutes. Being of the Third Founding was a blessing
to some. Spying the crystal of the Monolith four miles distant, he mounted his
steed Flotsam and discharged the remainder of his bolter magazine towards the
Necron construct. Drawing Jetsam, his trusty chainsword, he began to cut his
way through the Necro-Gaunts. Tiberius, now out of ammunition, threw his bolter
straight into the skull of a Necron warrior. Seeing the skull fly off, he
dismounted Flotsam and clubbed a second warrior to death with it, but the
living metal reanimated. Knowing time was of the essence he spit acid into the
headless neck of the Necron, and waded into the melee where his battle-brothers
were engaged with a Biovore. Spore mines detonated left, right, and center,
engulfing the combat in venom and chitinous shards. It was at this point
Tiberius spied a fourteen foot chain. He wrapped it about the Biovore’s neck
and lept upon its gun mount. As his Biovore waddled towards the Monolith he
spurred the gun into peristaltic action. He stroked the vivorsa sack to
discharge its heavy payload. Knowing the creature would be useless from this
point on, he plunged Jetsam deep into the beast’s neck. Seeing the danger in
removing the vivorsa sack he urged Tallarn First Private Talim Rehaminaneem to
carefully disembowel the beast. The sack suddenly exploded, shearing his head
clear from his shoulders in a welter of blood. The Monolith loomed closer. Loosing
an eagle’s cry, Tiberius mounted Flotsam and charged straight into a carpet of
Scarabs and Rippers. Things were about to get dangerous…

           Having seen scarabs previously at the Battle of Marquay Ford, he drew a Tau plasma grenade
from his belt. He had salvaged several of the devices from a beheaded Crisis
Suit pilot. The scarabs curiously swarmed the grenade which exploded, spraying
gouts of liquid metal past his face. Tiberius smiled grimly. Joined by the rest
of the Chapter’s Light Brigade, they chanted a prayer to the Emperor and
activated their mounts’ Thunderhooves, trampling through the living carpet of
flesh and metal as they heard the sound of engines overhead. The Stormraven Quintus Laertes hovered just off a ridge
ahead. Tiberius knew his horse could make the fifteen-metre leap, and only he
could destroy the Monolith. As Flotsam leapt, however, the swarm of tiny
creatures flowed around the horse and forced Tiberius to vault into the
Stormraven’s armored hatch, sacrificing his mount. The Stormraven shuddered
suddenly, slamming Stronghands sideways. Shrieking it spiraled southwards,
slaloming slightly straight into the stoic structure of the Monolith.
Stronghands stumbled solemnly from the stranded Stormraven. Seeing the crystal
atop the alien construct as its only weakness, hatred boiled his blood as his
brother Marcus Brutus Stronghands died at the claws of a Necron Flayer-kin. Scarabs
skittered across the cold metal surface of the edifice. Tiberius angrily
headbutted one of the creatures to its demise. Shimmying up the side of the
Monolith, arcane energy crackling around him, Gaussian beams tearing rivulets
in his armor, he clamped his last meltabomb to the bottom of the glowing
crystal.

            It was then that he realized that several of the skeletal warriors were clawing their way
up the structure towards him, their scissored hands merging with the living
metal as they climbed. Tiberius knew he would never survive this battle, as he
could not allow the meltabomb to be disengaged. He stuck his final lho-stick in
his mouth, gifted to him by the late Private Rehaminaneem, and struck a match
on the sparking green crystal to light it. Bracing himself, he knew this would
be Jetsam’s last chance to spill the blood of the Emperor’s enemies. As he
prepared to sell his life dearly, the meltabomb performed its holy duty,
spearing through the crystal and annihilating the Monolith and its denizens. Captain
Tiberius Tiberius Stronghands was blown off the Monolith. An Apothecary discovered
his broken body and yelled, “BAM! Dreadnought material!”

FIN?