Index Astartes: Obsidian Knights

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Index Astartes: The Obsidian Knights

"They shall be my finest warriors, these men who give of themselves to me. Like clay I shall mould them, and in the furnace of war forge them. They will be of iron will and steely muscle. In great armour shall I clad them and with the mightiest guns will they be armed. They will be untouched by plague or disease, no sickness will blight them. They will have tactics, strategies and machines so that no foe can best them in battle. They are my bulwark against the Terror. They are the Defenders of Humanity. They are my Space Marines and they shall know no fear."

Origins

W

ith the Great Heresy still an open wound and vestiges of the Scouring still taking place throughout the Imperium, the Third Founding would take place upon the first day of the new millennium - 001.M32.

The Imperium having almost been destroyed by the treachery of Horus and traitors punished wherever they reared their heads, the High Lords decreed that now was the time to rebuild and retake what was lost; now those worlds lost to the myriad foes of Man would be reclaimed as the Imperium once more sought ascendancy amongst the stars.

The Chapter that would later become known as the Obsidian Knights would form, led by Andromachus Vaen of the Crimson Fists, loyal sons of Dorn, and would be tasked with reclamation of the Vassar Cluster from the ravages of xenos raiders.

Homeworld

_{“Look upon Azar and know all we are. On this world you will be broken and reforged, in service to the Imperium. The honor we bestow upon you is beyond your understanding.” – Vaelyrn, Apothecary, addressing intitiates.}

Brother-Sergeant Koreas, First Squad, Fourth Company

A

zar is a temperate world of forests, rolling grasslands and deep blue seas located deep within the heart of the Vassar Cluster on the eastern fringes of Segmentum Pacificus. It is the spiritual home of the Chapter and the wellspring from all that the Chapter is drawn from, despite rights to and holdings on other words within the cluster.

Upon Azar war is life, bloodshed the common currency and death the only reprieve. The northern continent has its Great Houses and the southern seas their warring maritime tribes but great and small war is at the core of everything. Where once great cities and states vied for glory in the fields of science, industry and art and war was the last refuge of the depot or the madman, now stands a culture who fight because that is all that they now know. The shedding of blood over slights real or imagine, the theft of goods and the taking of slaves all pointing towards that secret fear that the Eldar will come again.

During the re-expansion of the Imperium following the Scouring the Vassan Cluster was targeted by a small force of Imperial Fists in a bid to free the worlds within from the grip of the xenos, in particular the hated Eldar. Predating the arrival of the Sons of Dorn, Azar and the surrounding worlds were prey to slave raids and hunts, the planets gunpowder-age technology no match for the Xenos as they sought fresh meat. As communities isolated themselves in a bid to avoid the attention of the predators, technological progression halted almost entirely and the Azarni drifted back into technological obscurity; forced to defend themselves from the predations of the Eldar with spear and axe. As raids continued the Azarni took to more drastic measures, raiding each other for slaves to leave as offerings in the hope that the providers would be left in peace. Such offerings were always accepted, even just for blood-sport, but those who sacrificed their own people would still be hunted like animals and haunted by what they had done to prolong survival.

As the Imperial Fists cleansed the Cluster of the xenos presence they fell upon Azar in force; hunting down the last vestige of a slaver fleet as it came for one last raid before heading for a safer berthing. As Astartes met Eldar upon the coast of the Sea of Dreams, the local Azarni tribes took a more proactive hand in their destiny; choosing to finally marshal themselves - even as individual groups - to finally meet their foe in battle with spear and axe and finally restore a measure of dignity and pride. Though in the end they contributed little to victory but their own deaths, finally the Azarni had thrown off the slave shackles of their oppressors and donned the mantle of the warrior.

Where once their more civilized ancestors had been painters and poets, in the aftermath of the battle the warriors of Azar became the preeminent human force upon the world and their culture, already mauled to the bone by the Eldar, was irrevocably changed to palce the emphasis on the warrior and martial pride. Such peace and safety was not to last; when the Sons of Dorn departed to further the expansion of the Imperium it took less than a dozen years for the first seeds of eternal war on the smallest stage to be planted; in less than a century the first in a cycle of blood feuds that would scar the psyche of the world had begun and the first drops in an ocean of blood had been spilt.

Brother Tael, Third Squad, First Company

In more recent years the cycle of tribal warfare has continued, with Great Houses, tribes and clans alike raiding each other for slights both historical and imagined as martial glory has become the focus of Azarni culture since the action beside the Sea of Dreams. It would seem that there is some kind of racial memory that the Azarni draw on the pushes them to the life of war; some inexorable path towards the song of steel and the sharp and agonizing death that inevitably follows.

The Obsidian Knights chose Azar in part for their spiritual connection to the world as scions of Rogal Dorn and their brothers the Imperial Fists but also because by the time the Chapter had begun their pilgrimage to their selected home world much of the work of the Imperial Fist brothers was undone and once more the Vassan Cluster suffered the predations of the Eldar.

Whilst Azar serves as the Chapter’s homeworld, the Knights also lay claim to a further score of worlds within the Cluster by right of recruitment, having shed blood in their defence. Amongst these claimed worlds are the four other cardinal worlds of the Cluster, including the deathworld of Sarador and the civilized world of Denoria, and due to a cosmic quirk of planetary alignment the five worlds form the points of a cosmic cross with Azar at its heart.

The Obsidian Knights First Company is comprised of those veteran Battle-Brothers who have served the Chapter upon each of the five cardinal worlds of the Cluster and as such the First Company carries the honorific “The Knights of the Cross”. Brothers aspiring to the First Company must have served upon the Cross worlds, regardless of all other achievements and victories, to be eligible for induction; though the honour of being a Knight of the Cross is purely symbolic now, where once Brothers would have fought and died on those worlds before the coming of Imperial law in the hands of the Obsidian Knights.

Beliefs

_{“Each day is but one link in your Chain. Each Brother here is but one link in the Chain of the Chapter. Our Chain is strong, strengthened by duty, honor and sacrifice. Do not forget it.” – Myrrin the Headhunter, Chapter Champion, addressing a gathering of initiates.}

T

he Azarni, after years of slave raids and warfare between the various groups that survived the Eldar last stand, developed a very fatalistic belief that went hand-in-hand with the way of life that war became to them.

For the recovering Azarni the belief in the Life Chain become something to cling to amid the years of bloodshed and carnage. This belief centers itself around the knowledge that for peasant and lord the final day of life is known and is seen as the final link in the chain of their life. The Azarni know that they will die, usually in the heat of battle, and the Chain teaches them that death is nothing to fear and that in the time before their Chain is severed they have the chance to make of their life, to forge their links, something more - to be more than victim and slave, as their ancestors had been. For a people for whom war is a way of life and children grow to shed blood well before the age of true manhood this is something that resonates deeply within the Azarni.

Azar, The Obsidian Knights Homeworld

For the Obsidian Knights, with much of their original compliment originally recruited from Azar, the Life Chain became central to the Chapter cult and how they should live and serve. The Brothers of the Chapters use the Chains to demonstrate that they are now greater than they were; where the Azarni know all links lead to the inevitability of death, the Brothers of the Knights know that it is within them to choose to forge every link in their Chain.

Upon induction as an initiate of the Chapter each recruit ceremonially severs a plain chain as a symbol of breaking from the old, human, lives and they do so again when they ascend to the ranks of full Brother – further marking this occasion by forging the first link in the chain that will serve them until their final day.

Where for the Azari the Life Chain was a spiritual and mental belief, for the Chapter it is belief made real; each Brother forges the links of his own chain, with each link micro-inscribed with a record of the deed, victory or achievement it relates to. There are no hard rules to the forging and each Marine must decide for himself which deeds to immortalize, with common links being those for years of service, notable victories, defeats of enemy champions and campaigns completed.

Only in death does the forging end, some veterans possessing enough links to forge entire suits of mail of the kind used by the Azarni tribes of old and the Chains of the veterans of the Chapter are a living, personal, history that few other Chapters can match.

Kyton

The Kyton play a dual role within the beliefs of the Knights, drawn in part from the early mythology of Azar and also from the early history of the Chapter itself.

For the Azarni the Kyton are beasts of myth who cut short the Life Chain of men. It is said that they are attracted to the life of men that burns so brightly in their senses that they are driven almost to madness to possess it as their own.

"Kyton" is also the name given by the Chapter to their oldest enemies, the Dark Eldar.

The term Kyton is also the basest insult that could be spoken by a Brother of the Knights to another. Whilst duels are common within the Chapter, use of this insult is one of few occasions where duels to the death are not only permitted but readily encouraged. No Brother could live with the stain to his honour of being dubbed Kyton.

Within each Company one veteran Brother, often the Company Champion or senior Sergeant, also performs the role of Herald. This role is one of immense honour but also sorrow; upon the death of a Battle-Brother, the Herald of his Company will ritually sever his Life Chain and inter it into the Long Hall - a revered tomb where the links of the fallen are displayed to honor their memory and inspire those they leave behind. Initiates are obliged to make a pilgrimage to the Long Hall, to meditate on the wisdom of those who have gone before but also to those who have paved the way for them.

The Dreadnought Brothers both pitied and revered within the ranks of the Obsidian Knights. The pity stems from the belief in the Life Chain and its ties to duty and service; those who are interred within a Dreadnought chassis being freed from that service and duty when their Life Chains are severed but to the Brothers of the Obsidian Knights this means that those interred within the Dreadnought no longer have the option to forge their own chain. The awe that each Dreadnought receives is due to that fact that though they are free from the ties that bind them they still choose to serve the Emperor and fight alongside their Battle-Brothers.

Often the Dreadnoughts of the Chapter will fight in a single formation, known collectively as the Unchained, as this mitigates the feelings that can sometimes fester between some of the more superstitious Battle-Brothers.

Organization

_{"We are veterans all; we can send our little brothers to watch, to hunt and to sabotage but they possess only the knowledge to act upon what they see, with none of the experience or wisdom to decide if they should act." - Rafael, Commander, Scout Company, speaking of the veteran Scouts under his command.}

T

he Chapter is Codex-adherent in the main, though there are a few differences and most notably amongst these is the lack of a Codex-compliant Tenth Company.

The Obsidian Knights Tenth Company is, approximately, a half-sized force comprised of veteran Battle-Brothers used to operate behind enemy lines, completing demolition or intelligence gathering missions that would not be suitable to assign to initiates.

Those brothers on the Chapter strength not serving the line Companies take their place within the Recruiting Company which splits itself across the Chapter Fortress on Azar and a small force that travels a circuit around each of the worlds the Knights have recruitment rights to, collecting recruits form the Chapter keeps on these worlds. Because of these rights of recruitment garrison squads are rotated through the Chapter Keeps from the Reserve Companies regularly, meaning that at any one time the true strength of the Reserve Companies is less than the Codex standard of one hundred Battle-Brothers.

Combat Doctrine

_{“I do not make war. I craft it from a thousand and one pieces, until it is a living and breathing thing such that our enemies cannot withstand it.” – Aramachus the Kytonbane, Captain, Second Company}

T

he Obsidian Knights, like many of their brother Chapters, favor the combined arms approach to warfare and do not, as a Chapter, specialize in any one discipline of combat.

In more recent campaigns the focus has been on infantry forces, with Battle Companies from the Obsidian Knights operating in the depths of hiveworlds and amidst the corridors and holds of capital ships during boarding actions in pursuit of their historic vendetta against the Dark Eldar.

Geneseed

T

he Obsidian Knights geneseed is from Rogal Dorn, of the Imperial Fists, by way of the Executioners.

The geneseed has no known issues, beyond those already attributed to the line of Dorn, although there is a suspicion that the geneseed has degraded and may be responsible for an issue with initiates getting a memory bleed from their lives before they served the Chapter – though this has cause no issues for initiates or full Battle-Brothers.

Battlecry

"We Do Not Yield!"

[Dizzyeye01]

One thing I have noticed through a scan is that Obsidian Spears appears several times during the Homeworld section, something I'm guessing was the chapters' previous name which you would most likely want to correct. I'll have a better look through it later :)

[Captain Juan Juarez]

One thing I have noticed through a scan is that Obsidian Spears appears several times during the Homeworld section, something I'm guessing was the chapters' previous name which you would most likely want to correct. I'll have a better look through it later

Apparently my proof-reading skills suck! Thanks for pointing that out.

[NightrawenII]

Well...

 

The Executioners are most likely 3rd Founding too, so I'm not sure how they formed training cadre for this Chapter.

 

I think the introduction of Imperial Fists is pointless for the purpose of narrative, but whatever.

 

Also, the Segmentum Pacificus is 'west' segmentum, which means its 'eastern fringe' is border with Segmentum Solar.

 

Another thing is formating, the article looks 'empty' the way it's now.

 

 

~ NightrawenII

[Captain Juan Juarez]

The Executioners part was a pure oversight; last time I was aware that the Executioners Founding was contentious, that it was believed but unconfirmed to be the Third. However I was dealt with that oversight.

 

I don't think the mention of the Imperial Fists harms the narrative; it is a vehicle to get me where I need to go in there and while it may not, depending on POV, be the best one I still think it works ok.

 

You say border, I say fringe. Fringe conveys a better sense of the vastness of space and that I would like the general area know without going in to specific detail meaning that for the purposes of the IA I can control the worlds in the vicinity.

 

Substance over style; rather have the meat of the article worked on than dress it up with fancy bows, just so it looks pretty. But I do intend to eventually fancy it up.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I have been wracking my brains to try and think of ways to improve or re-work this but unfortuantely I'm suffering from "I wrote this, so I can't see any glaring deficincies..." syndrome.

 

Any comments or critique, plus cash and/or cheques, would be welcome as I'm kind of stalled without feedback at this point.

[Dizzyeye01]

Just look over it and asking the question "Why?" helps me work out if its good or not. If there isn't an answer for it then it'll need either tweeks or taking the idea out altogether. Perhaps add in some examples of battles where this tactic worked for Combat Doctrime.

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

I personnally would shift some of the homeworld section to origins. 

 

 

During the re-expansion of the Imperium following the Scouring the Vassan Cluster was targeted by a small force of Imperial Fists in a bid to free the worlds within from the grip of the xenos, in particular the hated Eldar. Predating the arrival of the Sons of Dorn, Azar and the surrounding worlds were prey to slave raids and hunts, the planets gunpowder-age technology no match for the Xenos as they sought fresh meat. As communities isolated themselves in a bid to avoid the attention of the predators, technological progression halted almost entirely and the Azarni drifted back into technological obscurity; forced to defend themselves from the predations of the Eldar with spear and axe. As raids continued the Azarni took to more drastic measures, raiding each other for slaves to leave as offerings in the hope that the providers would be left in peace. Such offerings were always accepted, even just for blood-sport, but those who sacrificed their own people would still be hunted like animals and haunted by what they had done to prolong survival.

As the Imperial Fists cleansed the Cluster of the xenos presence they fell upon Azar in force; hunting down the last vestige of a slaver fleet as it came for one last raid before heading for a safer berthing. As Astartes met Eldar upon the coast of the Sea of Dreams, the local Azarni tribes took a more proactive hand in their destiny; choosing to finally
marshal themselves - even as individual groups - to finally meet their foe in battle with spear and axe and finally restore a measure of dignity and pride.

particularly these two paragraphs.  This section above just reads like the origins of the Chapter to me. 

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Perhaps add in some examples of battles where this tactic worked for Combat Doctrine.

 

To be honest, I can't see that there is any real reason why the shouldn't be totally Codex-adherent in terms of dcotrine but I felt that the section needed something. That said, the real focus of why the Chapter is different leans more towards their beliefs and origins.

 

I personnally would shift some of the homeworld section to origins. 

 

 

 

 

During the re-expansion of the Imperium following the Scouring the Vassan Cluster was targeted by a small force of Imperial Fists in a bid to free the worlds within from the grip of the xenos, in particular the hated Eldar. Predating the arrival of the Sons of Dorn, Azar and the surrounding worlds were prey to slave raids and hunts, the planets gunpowder-age technology no match for the Xenos as they sought fresh meat. As communities isolated themselves in a bid to avoid the attention of the predators, technological progression halted almost entirely and the Azarni drifted back into technological obscurity; forced to defend themselves from the predations of the Eldar with spear and axe. As raids continued the Azarni took to more drastic measures, raiding each other for slaves to leave as offerings in the hope that the providers would be left in peace. Such offerings were always accepted, even just for blood-sport, but those who sacrificed their own people would still be hunted like animals and haunted by what they had done to prolong survival.

 

As the Imperial Fists cleansed the Cluster of the xenos presence they fell upon Azar in force; hunting down the last vestige of a slaver fleet as it came for one last raid before heading for a safer berthing. As Astartes met Eldar upon the coast of the Sea of Dreams, the local Azarni tribes took a more proactive hand in their destiny; choosing to finally

marshal themselves - even as individual groups - to finally meet their foe in battle with spear and axe and finally restore a measure of dignity and pride.

 

 

 

particularly these two paragraphs.  This section above just reads like the origins of the Chapter to me. 

 

The way I see it is that those two paragraphs deal with the homeworld and its history, rather than the actual origin of the Chapter. In essence, part of what the Chapter is can be found in it - sort of - but the origins of the Chapter don't go back as far as the Imperial Fists Legion that first served upon the world.

 

 

Also: Thanks, dudes, for the feedback.

[Welcheren]

So far: the quotes work nicely. In the first one, however, "remade anew" might be a tautology; I could be wrong, but I think it should either be "remade" or "made anew".

 

I like the chain method of collecting Chapter history and the Long Hall, as well as the Kyton. All these give the chapter a unique character without ever overdoing the little snowflake. 

 

As to being stuck and in need of more critical feedback... I'll give it another read, contemplate it and see if anything sticks out.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Appreciated Welcheren.

 

I have now slightly reworked the combat doctrine, with nothing drastic but a refocusing, and also altered a couple of the quotes - I can rock a pithy quote.

 

However, the name "Obsidian Knights" is starting to be a tad grating but I'm unsure as to whether to change and if so, what to.

[Welcheren]

"reforged" works well as it links with the Chain.

 

I like the open-ended combat doctrine.

 

Personally, I feel there is a risk in making any chapter overly focused on one particular skill, since Space Marines were intended to meet all of mankind's enemies, and learn at superhuman speed to respond to unfamiliar conditions. And this (I feel) is the advantage of the way many canon and some DIY chapters (including the O Knights) are written - they either have a marked preference for a particular style of warfare (which does not mean they cannot apply other skills), or a quirk of their history has seen them operate under certain sets of conditions (which is not the same as giving them a narrow field of specialisation). Provided that I understand correctly, this seems to be the case with your additions to the Combat Doctrine - it's not so much a narrower set of skills as an exigency of recent history. Just a tiny nitpick: the Combat Doctrine mentions the Dark Eldar, but the rest pertains to the Eldar. Do the Knight not discriminate? 

 

I was going to ask about the name. I think it has a very nice ring. It attracted me to the Chapter (because of the way Obsidian has been used by the Aztecs for weapons). But I would like to know where it comes from, especially since it has to be selected prior to seizing Azar, and can therefore have nothing to do with that world.

 

Perhaps you would like to add information on their Fortress Monastery (if they have one).

 

 

This sentence under Chapter Beliefs reads a little awkward in my opinion: "This belief centers itself around the knowledge that for man, woman and child, the final days of life is know and is the final link in the chain of life." The rest of the section makes it clear what you mean - but I had read this one a few times (although it could just be me, since no one else brought it up).

Also, the observation that they make forge the links of their lies into whatever they may wish, might be just a little out of sync with a world riven by war, which always limits life opportunities. Perhaps something to the effect of: into whatever they have the strength and will to achieve?

 

 

Last thing: Love their war cry.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

You might think, given the amount of time I've spent staring at this work, that I'd spot poorly constructed sentences and grammatical issues but you would, obviously, be incorrect in that assumption.

 

I've corrected both that minor selection from the Beliefs section, as well as a couple other issues i spotted whilst doing so.

 

In terms of the name it was that best i had at the time! I struggle to come up with good Chapter names - in about 5 years of trying I've managed two decent ones! - and so I liked the way it rolled off the tongue intially. In terms of origin, well many moons ago there was a discussion in this forum that related to naming conventions for a Chapter and I subscribe to thef act taht the Chapter would be named during its Founding rather than at some time afterwards so that it would have little to nothing to do with the Chapter or its homeworld other thn to identify them.

 

In terms of a Fortress-Monastery I think that would be adding detail for details sake, as I don't see it as anything particularly out of the ordinary; despite the Chapter being old, I don't see the Fortress possessing the same sense of history or gravitas as, say, the Fang or the Fortress of Hera.

[Welcheren]

Fair point on the Fortress Monastery. I enjoy that specific kind of detail because I need to image the place where the Astartes walk and meditate when they, as if were, home. I need to image Quan Zhou.

As for the name: I concur with that belief. So... Perhaps the name Obsidian stands for its colour, derived from the personal heraldry of their first chapter master (as was the case with the Novamarines). Unless you already have a different colour for the chapter.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I would put loads of detail in normally but I want their uniqueness to shine through and not get buried; this is the first Chapter I've concocted where their Special Snowflake status has no basis in their ability to fight!

 

As for colour scheme... I just assumed it would be black and the name fits that, because I like that "Knight" suffix but it is the "Obsidian" I am not feeling. I hate Chapter names damn it.

[Welcheren]

If their colour is black, Obsidian might not be a problem. It does roll off nicely.

I have never even considered forging a chapter name, and I can imagine how hard it is to select something striking without being (for want of a better word) corny. For example, I love the Doom Eagles fluff. But... Doom Eagles. That grates against my spine. (I still fantasize that someone will look at a canon IA I write, like the Libators, and actually write a BL novel using tiny elements from it).

On the Fortress: perhaps leaving such detail out is a good idea. I feel that the chapter is pretty unique as it is. In my view, the Chain of Life theme works. I would rather have a chapter that basically fights as the situation demands, but has a unique mindset. I don't think its wise to blend the special snowflake into fighting style too much... at least, I suggest that an idiosyncratic belief system lends a chapter more depth (the whole warrior monk motif).

I like the Novamarines' tattooing practice; I like the Doom Eagle's Hall of the Fallen. In this case, I can image ( ) a scout walking through the Long Hall and mediating on the deeds of his forebears, aspiring to emulate their courage.

Basically: You have the Knights' snowflake element down as it is (si non confectus non reficiat).

The question is the name.

[Harlan Skorus]

Whilst most things seem to have been already touched upon:

 

 

The Eldar race is every ready to steal that which does not belong to them, though even their passion for paying the Iron Price does nothing to lessen the ire of the Chapter.

 

This concept of the 'Iron Price' does not recur anywhere else in the article, and sounds out of place. I think your Greyjoy is leaking.

 

Sorry, that's all I got.

[Welcheren]

Just for the sake of curiosity (and possible assistance with the question), what are your other chapters called?

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Never finished any, however most have been based on names featuring pre- and suffixes such as Iron, Angels, Steel and Knights.

 

I really wanted to get "Golem" or "Golems" in to a name but nothing I've found sounds right! And there is no reason for it beyond liking the myth and the word.

[Welcheren]

If the chapter name still rankles (and I think it need not), perhaps some of these suggestions will create a spark (I'm not saying they're any good - but they might help):

 

Adamantium Knights

 

Adamantium Zealots

 

Iron Zealots

 

Steel Zealots

 

Zealots Eternal

No Golems... sorry.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Yeah, Golem(s) is hard to get in to a good name.

 

Obsidian Knights is a decent name but it doesn't have the right kind of gravitas that I'd like.

[Welcheren]

I suspect that the gravitas of a name derives more from the culture and achievements of the chapter than the words. There is nothing particularly special about White Scars or Iron Hands until the chapter in question imbues the name with unique meaning (substance over style, as you mentioned earlier). 

 

Still, I get your point that there is a distinct lack of elegance in some names (I am going to pick on the Doom Eagles again). That said, its basically going to come down to whatever associations you have with particular naming conventions. In that case, perhaps the best help members can offer is to stimulate the thinking process; so:

 

If you're looking for a double-barrel name, how do you feel about weapons? Obsidian Swords... Amber Swords... Amber Spears... Onyx Spears... Onyx Swords?

 

An alternative is an adjective that denotes an attribute held dear by the chapter (but of course this very easily becomes corny):

Angels Resolute, Angels Implacable, the Lord Implacable, Zealots Imperial.

 

Hope this helps.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Well, I'm going to stick with the Obsidian Knights as the name isn't terrible and have no added some colour to the article with a scheme and the figure of one of my quotes.

 

Harlan, that would be correct and was from an earlier draft where I was trying to cram a lot in to the beliefs section that was eventually trimmed back. However, I did get my Greyjoy homage in with "We Do Not Yield!" which is close enough!

[Harlan Skorus]

Haha, I think that's what confirmed it wasn't completely random chance. Errbody needs a little Euron in their lives.

 

And because the purpose of this is to give feedback, I like the colour scheme (the purple could maybe do with being a tad less obvious) and your font changes size halfway through (about 2/3 of the way through beliefs).

 

In terms of particular things:

 

 

In the aftermath of the battle the warriors of Azar became the preeminent human force upon the world but such peace and safety was not to last.

 

Who was the pre-eminent human force on the world before? It seems like the warriors always were from your earlier descriptions about the planet.
 

 

it took less than a dozen years for the first seeds of eternal war writ small to be planted

 

I don't understand this phrase. "Eternal war writ small" doesn't seem to make sense. I can't work out if it's me misreading it or you misphrasing it.

 

 

Great Houses, tribes and clans alike raiding each other for slights both historical and imagined as martial glory has become the focus of Azarni culture since the action beside the Sea of Dreams.

 

Again, this seems to be less a change of nature and more a return to status quo.

 

 

It would seem that there is some kind of racial memory that the Azarni draw on the pushes them to the life of war; some inexorable path towards the song of steel and the sharp and agonizing death.

 

Feels like it needs a couple of extra words - it's not bad as it, but something small like "the sharp and agonizing death that follows" just seems to make the phrase flow better, IMO.

 

 

the Knights also lay claim to a further score of worlds within the Cluster

 

Sounds like Astral-Claws-esque heresy. Do Chapters other than the Ultramarines have a score of worlds (honest question, I don't know)?. Is there anyone whom might be ruffled by this?

 

 

 The Obsidian Knights First Company is comprised of those veteran Battle-Brothers who have served the Chapter upon each of the five cardinal worlds of the Cluster

 

Served how? If the Obsidian Knights are a 3rd founding Chapter, as of 40k timeframe they've existed for roughly 8k years. What has happened to these worlds that service on them is still considered the mark of a hero? Something worth service would have to be ongoing, otherwise your Knights of the Cross would have died out a long time ago. Maybe make it clear that this is now purely a symbolic thing?
 

 

the final day of life is known and as is the final link in the chain of their life

 

Wordage - "and as is" sounds off. I think I understand what you are trying to say, and I think something like "the final day of life is known, and is seen as the final link" just makes it a lot clearer and easier to read.

 

 

The hatred stems from the belief in the Life Chain and its ties to duty and service; those who are interred within a Dreadnought chassis being freed from that service and duty when their Life Chains are severed by their Herald.

 

That sounds more like it would be pity than hatred. Wouldn't they hate the person that put said person in the Dreadnought, rather than the Dread itself? Or is it a case of hate the dread, respect the occupant, not seeing them as one thing but two seperate entities? Could possibly use some clarification.

 

 

The Obsidian Knights Tenth Company is, approximately, a half-sized force comprised of veteran Battle-Brothers

 

Does anyone have a Codex-compliant 10th Company anymore? :P It's not a criticism of the end product so much, as there can be any number of good reasons for it, but I feel like it needs a little more explanation as to why there isn't a full scout/recruit company past 'because that's how it is'. What led them to this deviation? Perhaps link it to something in your combat doctrine?

 

Sorry if it got a bit grammar-nazi at times, but the majority of the fluff you've written is really good and I'm not too sure I'd change a lot of it. Hope something helps!

[Captain Juan Juarez]

And because the purpose of this is to give feedback, I like the colour scheme (the purple could maybe do with being a tad less obvious) and your font changes size halfway through (about 2/3 of the way through beliefs).

You have no idea how much I wanted to put my computer through a wall last night because the coding wouldn't play nicely. The fact that a minor font change was missed, I can handle!

In the aftermath of the battle the warriors of Azar became the preeminent human force upon the world but such peace and safety was not to last.

Who was the pre-eminent human force on the world before? It seems like the warriors always were from your earlier descriptions about the planet.

I think the point I was trying to make was that prior to the Dark Eldar incursions the world was much more civilised and rounded; it had a proper grasp of technologies and the like but that all went bye-bye with the advent of the slave raids as the culture of the world took a total nose dive and the warriors came to the fore.

it took less than a dozen years for the first seeds of eternal war writ small to be planted

I don't understand this phrase. "Eternal war writ small" doesn't seem to make sense. I can't work out if it's me misreading it or you misphrasing it.

Makes sense to me! I was trying to say that Azar had degenerated to a point where it was almost representative of the entire Imperium; constant skirmishes, battles and wars with nary a moments peace.

Great Houses, tribes and clans alike raiding each other for slights both historical and imagined as martial glory has become the focus of Azarni culture since the action beside the Sea of Dreams.

Again, this seems to be less a change of nature and more a return to status quo.

I think the problem here is that, as I mentioned before, I am seeing it as a change based on how the planet and the Azarni were before the coming of the slavers.

It would seem that there is some kind of racial memory that the Azarni draw on the pushes them to the life of war; some inexorable path towards the song of steel and the sharp and agonizing death.

Feels like it needs a couple of extra words - it's not bad as it, but something small like "the sharp and agonizing death that follows" just seems to make the phrase flow better, IMO.

You're correct and I point to somewhere above where it mentions my suckiness at proofreading!

the Knights also lay claim to a further score of worlds within the Cluster

Sounds like Astral-Claws-esque heresy. Do Chapters other than the Ultramarines have a score of worlds (honest question, I don't know)?. Is there anyone whom might be ruffled by this?

Mayhaps I was a little too concise here, as I was referring to recruitment rights rather than an Ultramar-style mini-empire.

The Obsidian Knights First Company is comprised of those veteran Battle-Brothers who have served the Chapter upon each of the five cardinal worlds of the Cluster

Served how? If the Obsidian Knights are a 3rd founding Chapter, as of 40k timeframe they've existed for roughly 8k years. What has happened to these worlds that service on them is still considered the mark of a hero? Something worth service would have to be ongoing, otherwise your Knights of the Cross would have died out a long time ago. Maybe make it clear that this is now purely a symbolic thing?

What? You mean I have to examine in-depth cool ideas I had so they make sense? Dammit! In effect it is indeed purely symbolic but it derived from a time when the service meant something real, that you would have fought on or defended these worlds in a time before the Chapter laid claim to all or some of them for recruitment.

the final day of life is known and as is the final link in the chain of their life

Wordage - "and as is" sounds off. I think I understand what you are trying to say, and I think something like "the final day of life is known, and is seen as the final link" just makes it a lot clearer and easier to read.

Suckiness at proofreading!

The hatred stems from the belief in the Life Chain and its ties to duty and service; those who are interred within a Dreadnought chassis being freed from that service and duty when their Life Chains are severed by their Herald.

That sounds more like it would be pity than hatred. Wouldn't they hate the person that put said person in the Dreadnought, rather than the Dread itself? Or is it a case of hate the dread, respect the occupant, not seeing them as one thing but two seperate entities? Could possibly use some clarification.

Well... It made sense to me! :D

The Obsidian Knights Tenth Company is, approximately, a half-sized force comprised of veteran Battle-Brothers

Does anyone have a Codex-compliant 10th Company anymore? It's not a criticism of the end product so much, as there can be any number of good reasons for it, but I feel like it needs a little more explanation as to why there isn't a full scout/recruit company past 'because that's how it is'. What led them to this deviation? Perhaps link it to something in your combat doctrine?

Except there was an explanation; that half said company spends its time doing a circuit of the worlds that the Knights possess recruitment rights to and the other half are veterans who do the scout-y business. The reason behind it really, the number - though not many - and spread of the worlds they draw from necessitate a roving element to recruitment.

Sorry if it got a bit grammar-nazi at times, but the majority of the fluff you've written is really good and I'm not too sure I'd change a lot of it. Hope something helps!

I write and suck a proofreading, if people aren't going to point out spelling and grammatical mistakes I'm screwed.

All that explained, I'll be working and reworking based on these very valid points - much appreciated!