So you think YOUR life is rough?

[Gatlinghammer]

Hey everyone I'm new here, just typed this up today, thought i'd share. The cursing filter however needs to go - in the meantime just use your wild imagination The original is here : https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B6VsVZ2gdMY8eC1rX1NUTDFxeE0/edit

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Space Marine Garrison Life 

 

The following is a transcription of an unauthorized audio file embedded in a command chronology burst sent via retrans comm drone.

 

The file was recorded by Lance Cpl. Bei Ming Ken of Segementum Obscurus, North Fleet, 1st Imperial Navy, aboard IMPCRS Avenger XXV, in the Algol Binary System.

 

It is the 41st Millennium.

 

Yeah, yeah, clap it up you twits. All of the Chapter Houses are still going strong, except for those four-hundred years the Ultramarines were cryogenically frozen during the Imperial government shutdown. 

 

And guess what? Life here in garrison still :cussing sucks.

 

You all seem to have this juvenile notion that being a Space Marine would be “totally hardcore” and “:cussing badass.” I thought the same thing, too. All of those cool action holograms and recruiting advertisements that were bull:cuss – especially the one where some huge, ripped, half naked dude scales a sheer rock face with his bare hands and then transforms into his hulking power-armour upon reaching the summit, then battles a horde of vicious xenomorphs with his chainsword.

 

 

My recruiter had me creaming my pants with the promise of dropping in on alien planets from the :cussing sky in a fiery meteor of imperial death and destruction. The thought of purging anything not human in the face with my decked-out MkV Godwyn Pattern Bolter and pissing on their mutilated corpses used to give me a raging hard-on I feared would actually get in the way of all the wicked-cool :cuss I would be doing. (BTW – I’ve got bad news for other potential recruits, finish up the article.)

 

 

Newsflash: Recruiters are :cussing liars. The only truth my recruiter told me is that we would be the Emperor’s 41st Millennia Spartans. No one ever told me about the organ replacement surgeries and the genome replacement therapy I would have to undertake. How about the titanium stud they stapled into my :cussing forehead after my first ten years in some ridiculous hazing ritual?  To top it all off we’re still burning :cussters and pulling police call like a bunch of :cuss Imperial Guardsman.

 

Misconception #1: Orbital drops are “kickass.”

 

Reality: No, they :cussing aren’t. Yeah, let me just cram my up-armored ass into a tiny pod that may or may not combust in the atmosphere of the hostile planet I’m about to assault and faithfully rely on all of the sensitive electronic components that are supposed to slow me down before I pummel into the ground at terminal velocity. Contrary to popular belief, those pods aren’t designed to gently deliver you dirtside. They’re only designed to keep you alive long enough to survive skipping across the planet’s crust like a flaming pinball.

 

There’s no doubt in my military mind that any of the sadistic bastards at the Adeptus Mechanicus who designed this drop coffin ever took a ride in one. Honestly, I think it’s purposely designed to keep us so pissed off that we’ll kill everything we see after a rough landing. The sight of enraged Astartes emerging from shattered drop pods, venting puke and :cuss from the ports in their power-armour, is bound to send enemy combatants fleeing.

 

 

But I haven’t done a drop since we pulled out of the Ocularis Terribus and turned blockading efforts over to the Imperial Navy two years ago. I’ve been in garrison, on a :cussing cruiser - which leads me to my next point…

 

Misconception #2: Space Marines never deal with trivial bull:cuss because they’re too busy killing aliens and the forces of chaos…

 

Reality: Have you ever tried to police call cigarette butts in zero gravity? How about field day inspections on an Imperator Class Battle-cruiser that lasts for WEEKS? Do you have any :cussing clue how many of our Brothers die during space FOD walks, or how impossible it is to stay on line in zero G? And don’t even get me started on our assigned Fleet Inquisitor (Captain Titus is an :cuss – now we have a babysitter) who had the bright idea to use a void grenade as a vacuum cleaner, all because he himself is bored out of his :cussing mind.

 

We don’t even get the cool space missions. Those all go to those D-bag Imperial Special Forces fags with their Hellguns that come out of Schola Progenium - :cussing Storm-Troopers, who do those guys think they are? Throwbacks to some :cussty movies made in the second millennia?  

 

So, instead of fighting space xeno we scrub warp coils and sit around in ridiculous space dementia prevention classes, which – ironically – are actually giving us space dementia. What I’d give right now for a bunch of Gene-stealers to infiltrate half the fleet.

 

 

I’m not sure what’s worse though: space dementia classes, or galactic respect and awareness training. Nowadays someone calls an alien a “xeno” and it’s “Call the Equal Opportunity Officer and hold a sensitivity down load!”  If I have to attend another class on our need to respect the alien cultures and creepy Tyranid space mosquitoes who want to suck my brains out through their proboscis, I will literally :cuss in my hands and rub it in my face.

 

The chances for promotion in the Ultramarines? Negligible. The cutting scores are atmospheric because all the senior staff keep getting hurt “just” bad enough to get stuffed into a :cussing dreadnaught and are never getting out. My Platoon Sergeant only has HALF of his head, the rest of it was custom built by the Mechanicum and our Platoon Apothecary - it’s hard to just die here. That or the senior staff is cryogenically-frozen lifers waiting for implants or to have their gene-seeds harvested. I’ve never even seen the 2nd Company’s Sgt. Major in the flesh. I don’t even think he’s real, just a hologram. Ever had your ass chewed by a hologram? :cuss me… Forever a Corporal of the cosmos, that’s what I am.

 

Misconception #3: Power-armour is so high speed and sexy!

 

Reality: Try moving in this :cuss when the power cells are dry. It’s slathered in so much lubricant it attracts every particle of dust in this sector. I’ve spent more time at the armoury cleaning my already spotless armour than anything else I’ve done while with the Ultramarines. The Company Sargeant is such an inspection whore douche-bag. I’ll just get done using a Q-tip on one of the waste ports and the bastard will sniff it and say: “Nope, still smells like balls and :cuss. Clean it again.”  :cuss my life and do me in the black hole.

 

Don’t get caught writing on your war gear. We’ve razed entire continents of innocents on disputed worlds, we’ve been responsible for Terminatus on countless other whole planets, but somehow writing “Leman Russ Loves Cock” across my breastplate is obscene.

 

Some of you are probably still shaking your head. “No, no, that’s all just typical Space Marine bull:cuss. I can deal with that. I still think being a Space Marine is the coolest thing ever!”

 

You’re probably among the same :cusswads beating their dicks to the shower scene that someone put up on the vidscreen when the Sisters of Battle were on board.

 

Misconception #4: Space Marines must party so hard in their units and have so much Xeno intercourse!

 

Reality: They removed anything I could use for that purpose during in-processing, and gave me a tube.

 

 

:cuss my life...

 

[deathspectersgt7]

[Wulfkry]

LOL did you space mahreeny this from the post in the Duffle Blog

[Green Knight]

Quite funny :)