Teetengee Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 You may consider having the majority of sacrifices come from worlds , "unwilling to come into compliance" so that the legion can get away with it for some time. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3741617 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Cato Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 Here's a blurb that I wrote earlier, feel free to pick it apart: "If only we listened. We were too stuck in our ways and blinded by tradition to heed the words of my father. He had beseeched me to stop with our sacred rituals, they were an abomination against humanity he said. When we first met I was astounded by him. His vessel's descent from the heavens made it seem as if he had simply appeared out of the sun. My people and I were astonished, prophecies foretold of the almighty Sun Lord descending from the heavens to deliver us into prosperity and dominance. We lavished him with all manners of gold, jewels, and idols. All of which he kindly refused. He spoke of a grand crusade through the stars, a war that must be fought to bring all of mankind together as one. I wholeheartedly agreed and pledge my people to his cause. He promised to take my best warriors and make them perfect, though he warned they would not all survive the process. I did not care, I wanted the best men under my command to carry out service for the Sun Lord. In celebration of his coming we had gathered a large portion of our slaves and brought them to the altar atop the Temple of the Sun's Light. Our priest conducted a celebratory service, then proceeded to conduct the sacrificial worship. The first slave had laid upon the altar, the Sun Lord looked on with curiosity, not knowing what was about to occur. The priest said a quick prayer then unsheathed his ceremonial knife. He plunged it into the abdomen of the slave, who yelled out in pain. Within a matter of seconds the priest had opened the chest cavity and wrested the heart from the slaves chest. He held it to the sky, still beating and pumping blood. The Sun Lord immedately struck down the priest and orded this ceremony must stop. Who were we to deny the Sun Lord decree? So it stopped, the Sun Lord said we must board his vessel with my men and depart. He had kept his promise well. He described to me that I was one of his many sons, and that I was to be the leader of a massive legion of mighty warriors. He then had warriors from other legions led by my newfound brothers that had drilled my men and I in the art of war, preaching to us the holy combination of bolter and chainsword. We quickly became adept with these new weapons and were tasked with the unification of the many worlds into the Sun Lord's empire. We did quite well with the task, crushing any resistance beneath our heel and taking many barbaric warrior captive to become slaves on our homeworld. Once every couple of decades we would return to our world to conduct worship of the Sun Lord. We took the captured barbarian slaves and sacrificed them upon the altar in the name of the Sun Lord. It was glorious. We had continued to conduct the sacrifices, until that fateful day." +++++End of File: Data corrupted+++++++++ Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3741973 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teetengee Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 Something feels off about the primarch, too simplistic I suppose. I feel that the Emperor would be pretty clear about how he felt about being worshipped (see Word Bearers), although if it isn't slowing your crusade, I suppose it might not matter nearly so much. Perhaps it would be good to develop the primarch more externally first? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3741987 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Cato Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 Yea, I do need more development for him. His name translates as the noble fallen eagle, so I was thinking of a way to work that into him. I also need to work on his discovery and his rise to power. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3741990 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teetengee Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 You may even want to work on developing the homeworld more first as well. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3742001 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Cato Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 Alright, two clear goals: Primarch development and homeworld development. I'll get crackin' on it. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3742039 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Cato Posted July 11, 2014 Author Share Posted July 11, 2014 Ok, brothers. Here is some background i've writtien for the primarch of the XI legion, Cuauhtémoc: Many stories exist about the discovery of Cuauhtémoc on the world of Aztlan. However, one is held to be the one true version by the planets many denizens. Aztlan is a beautiful world, covered by dense jungles. In the easternmost part of the jungle is where Cuauhtémoc's pod had landed. He had been discovered by warriors cloaked in animal skin returning home from battle. Unsure of what to do with the child, the warriors brought Cuauhtémoc to the priests at the nearby temple. He was taken in by the priest, who drilled him in the ways of the warrior and drilled him with sermon day after day. When Cuauhtémoc was of age he was sent to the military school of Calmecac, which was reserved for the sons of kings and the clergy. Cuauhtémoc quickly mastered the teachings of the Calmecac and had graduated after only a year of attendance. He had earned the right to accompany a mighty Cuauhocelotl, Jaguar Knight, into battle. On his venture, Cuauhtémoc managed to capture four men. An unprecedented achievement on Aztlan that took even the greatest warrior decades to earn. He became a Cuauhocelotl at the young age of 16, surpassing his city's greatest heros. His supremecy continued, and by the age of 27 he had risen through the ranks and became the Tlatoani of his city, eclipsing the previous incumbent by an astonishing 32 years. Once he obtained his position he quickly set about creating religious reforms in his city, paying homage to his roots as the son of the priest. He had many temples erected and enforced religious practice throughout the city. His father was of a denomination where human sacrifice was necessary to appease the Gods, and their appeasement ensured victory on the battlefield. It took little effort for his citizens to adopt his religion, legends and tales of his exploits had spread like wildfire over Aztlan. Cuauhtémoc, pleased with his works, was not finished yet. His next task was to unite all peoples of Aztlan under his banner. He gathered his warriors and marched for the capital of his greatest rivals, the Tenoch. He had directed his warriors to take every possible man captive, for he had a plan to force the planet under his rule. He had planned to conduct a mass sacrifice to the God of the Sun and War, Huitzilopochtli. In total, Cuauhtémoc's warriors captured a staggering 80,000 men. He had ordered the priest to begin the ritual at noon on the day that signaled the beginning of the annual Solar eclipse. Each year the sun was blotted out of the sky for four days due to an anomoly in the moons orbit around Aztlan. On the day of the ritual, all of the prisoners were divided and transported to the temples Cuauhtémoc had erected. Upon arrival they were herded to the steps that lead up the temple and to the sacrificial altar. Once the sun was approaching high noon, Cuauhtémoc grabbed the first sacrifice and dragged him up the temple's steps. The man was the leader of the Tenoch, Mocte. Cuauhtémoc threw the man down upon the altar and strapped his limbs down so he may not escape. Cuauhtémoc beckoned for a nearby priest to bring him the sacrificial dagger given to him by his father. The blade was a beautiful thing, it was an ornate weapon with a blade crafted from obsidian. Cuauhtémoc grabbed the dagger and a stone and began sharpening it infront of the man he was about to offer up to Huitzilopochtli. He glanced at the sky, the sun was about to be eclipsed in a matter of moments, now was the perfect time to start the ritual. Cuauhtémoc took the blade in both hands, uttered a short prayer, and plunged the blade into his victims chest. In a matter of seconds he cut the chest open and ripped Mocte's heart from his chest. Cuauhtémoc held his trophy in the sky and let forth a primal roar just as the sky began to darken. His reign of terror had just begun. +++++++++++++++++++ Cuauhtémoc had ruled over the entirety of Aztlan for over almost ten years now, no man dared to challenge him. Ever since that day he had ordered the sacrifice of 80,000 men, people had feared him and spoke of Cuauhtémoc being the Death God made flesh. Something big was about to happen, Cuauhtémoc could feel it in his gut. He knew not what, but the ancient prophecies spoke of the coming of the Sun Lord to Aztlan to take mortal men for his divine army. With the unification of Aztlan, war became nonexistant. Cuauhtémoc instituted a new means for shedding blood, so when the Sun Lord comes Cuauhtémoc shall be able to provide him the finest warriors. He had created a society in which only cities with valiant, skilled warriors lived well. For the cities who could not fight food and resources were in short supply. This created a struggle for each city where it was imperative to produce the greatest warriors for a chance to obtain what they needed to survive. Indeed, some cities had been wiped out due to their lack of warriors; this didn't bother Cuauhtémoc, it helped him rid the world of the weak. The anniversary of his ascencion was quick approaching. The priests suggested he offer up a sacrifice of men to venerate Huitzilopochtli for allowing Cuauhtémoc to reign as the undisputed Lord of Aztlan. He gathered many slaves at the Temple of the Sun's Light, which Cuauhtémoc constructed in memoriam of his deceased father, and personally sacrificed each slave. No sooner than after he finished, something enormous was appearing in the sky. Cuauhtémoc could not figure out what it was, he had never seen anything like it. As it approached he gathered up his honour guard and waited atop the temple to watch the object descend. When it touched down on the surface it created a mighty gale of wind, which nearly blew Cuauhtémoc down the temple steps. With his honour guard, Cuauhtémoc made his way down the temple and walked towards the object. As he approached a massive door opened in the side. Out of it came men, clad in strange armour and weilding weaponry Cuauhtémoc had never seen before. After these men came out of the door a man clad in shining gold armour appeared in the doorway. Cuauhtémoc could hear the hushed whispers of his men, exclaiming that this was surely the Sun Lord. The man came out the door and walked with his men to Cuauhtémoc, who immediately dropped to his knees and bowed in reverence of the man. The man told Cuauhtémoc he may stand, and then described that he was the Emperor of Mankind. He said he required the finest men and Cuauhtémoc for his conquest of the stars. Cuauhtémoc brought forth his finest warriors, 1400 men in total, and pledge himself to service to the Emperor. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3742288 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teetengee Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I am not a huge fan of the presentation just yet, but the content sounds very good. (For instance the eclipse line seems strange due to a separation of information issue, anyone who knew everything else probably wouldn't have known about the reason for the eclipse (since I imagine the sacrifices were to appease the sun god and guarantee his return, at least in part)). Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3742541 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Cato Posted July 11, 2014 Author Share Posted July 11, 2014 Should I remove the bit about the solar eclipse then? Also, i'm worried about over-themeing the legion. My thought is initially with the legion being entirely composed of Terrans that the traditions and such of Cuauhtémoc and whatever warriors he brings with him are watered down and become less evident. And over time as Cuauhtémoc spends more time from his homeworld he adapts to life as the commander of a space marine legion, seperating many aspects of his past life from his current life. Basically he adorns his armour and incorporates traces of his roots into his legion, but not much else. I'm thinking that he will have a special chainsword, based off a macuahuitl. I can envision him adorned in purple armour, trimmed in gold, and covered with coloured feathers and animal skins. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3742686 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teetengee Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 just remember that purple trimmed in gold is going to look an awful lot like Emperor's Children Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3742719 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Cato Posted July 11, 2014 Author Share Posted July 11, 2014 Oh, that is true. What if I switched the gold with a bone colour? A turquoise armour with like orange or gold trimmings could be very nice as well. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3742727 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teetengee Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I wouldn't get too set on a scheme just yet, but sounds like a start. I could imagine a lot of room for colorful marines based on their source material. I feel that there would probably be some prominent red as well. Although perhaps not as a main color. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3742733 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Cato Posted July 11, 2014 Author Share Posted July 11, 2014 The primarch is going to have different armour to distinguish himself even more from the masses, but it will still adhere to an Aztec-y colour pallette. Colours I'm thinking about are red,yellow, green, purple, orange, turquoise, black, bone, and gold. it's a lot and likely needs some refinement. However, colours could be used to distinguish either rank or role i'm thinking. Anyways,I have the day off tomorrow and will get some form of write up about the homeworld Aztlan posted on here. And I may add to the story of Cuauhtémoc about him meeting the emperor Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3742746 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teetengee Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Sounds good. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3742766 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Cato Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 Here's what I wrote up about Aztlan, feek free to tear it apart. Laying on the edge of a area of space designated as the "Ghoul Stars" lies Aztlan. It is a world covered in dense jungles, filled with predators who could kill a man with ease. The world was commited to agriculture, with it's many terraces and floating farms. The population had become seperated due to varying beliefs and had all gone to war with eachother, it was customary to attempt to capture enemy warriors and force them into slavery; some factions even sacrifice the captured warriors to their gods. Warrior society dominated over all else, and usually harboured a close relationship with the local religion. It was here the XI primarch had landed. The primarch Cuauhtémoc had been discovered during his youth by members of the Xochitl tribe of the city of Mazatl. The tribe was one of the tribes that exhibited extreme spiritual devotion, and clung to prophecies and legends as guidance in their daily lives. The prophecies foretell of a day in which a child will be born from the heavens, who will grow to become the worlds greatest warrior. He will be the will of Huitzilopochtli, the God of the Sun and War, and will bring together the many fueding tribes of the Azlatani. The planet would then experience a golden age of wealth and technological advancement, but not without a price. The warrior king would enslave many, and countless others would become offerings to Huitzilopochtli; Only warriors displaying great prowess and determination would be spared. After the weak had been sufficiently culled, Huitzilopochtli will return to Aztlan in his human form; an emperor of the stars known only as the Sun Lord by the Aztlani. His coming would signal the ascencion of the Aztlani people to a demigod status, becoming the divine warriors of the Sun Lord and destroying his enemies. The prophecy had come true upon the arrival of Cuauhtémoc to Aztlan. During his pre-imperial rule Cuauhtémoc had managed to develop an elite warrior caste system and in less than 30 years he propelled the planet from the bronze age to the age of gunpowder, at the cost of the lives of more than 300,000 men over the period. He ruled through terror, performing public executions of his enemies and parading their mutilated corpses through their home cities. The coming of the Emperor had brought about great change to Aztlan. It's level of technology had skyrocketed even further, becoming on par with the majority of other imperial worlds. In turn this brought a massive increase in agriculture and allowed for the sustainment of a exponentially larger population, and far superior military training in the planet's two military academies. Cuauhtémoc would not allow his soldiers to live in the lap of luxury however. He forced live skirmishes amongst training groups, for he knew it was one thing to learn how to be a soldier in a book and a whole new world to kill a man on the battlefield, especially one that you had grown with. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3743353 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Cato Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Added a lot to the homeworld information, if something is redundant or repeated please do let me know. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3743804 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teetengee Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I find it hard to believe that in only took 30 yrs from bronze to gun powder before imperial influence. Unless he had something to reverse engineer, even a primarch wouldn't think of all the necessary techs to advance so quickly. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3743828 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Cato Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Would it just be more reasonable to move into the iron age then? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3743832 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teetengee Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 I guess so? I can't say I am an expert on all the minutae. It just felt like a large jump to me. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3743835 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Cato Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Yeah, looking back I agree. If you've read all of it, is there anything else that seems absurd? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3743842 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athrawes Posted July 13, 2014 Share Posted July 13, 2014 Just finished giving this thread a read through and there is a lot of great advice, and great work on creating your own legion ArcticPaladin. It's makes me really happy to see more and more interpretations of the lost Legions. if I had a bit of advice to offer, it would be that I have really enjoyed writing my Legion's history in a Forgeworld Heresy style. I like their style because for something as touchy as the lost Legions, it gives the possibility of adding nuances and character to your history while still keeping it somewhat vague. The best example that I keep returning to is how Forgeworld tackled the background of the Alpha legion. Give just enough information about your legion to make them sympathetic and unique but leave a lot vague and open to a readers interpretation. Leaving parts of your history open to interpretations gives the lore a sense of mystery and legitimacy (from a imperial record keeping point of view) but also makes your Lost Legion more approachable to others as it allows them to impart a bit of their own identity and imagination when thinking about the Legion your created. But I tend to ramble and that might not have been very helpful . At the end of the day, you're on the right track and are in for one heck of a creative ride. Welcome to the Lost and Forgotten Brother. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3744351 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiberius Cato Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Thank you so much for the advice. I can't lie, I am extremely star struck right now. I will definately check out Forgeworlds style of the history, and I will be looking at your interpretation of the II legion for inspiration. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/293513-creating-the-xi-legion-is-it-heresy/page/2/#findComment-3744366 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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