Eternal Crusade writing contest -- my entry

[JeffTibbetts]

As mentioned in this thread, the Eternal Crusade vidya game is running a fiction contest and I thought I'd jump in. Having read lots of great stuff for the Fanthology recently, I wanted to try something new to me and I like writing under specific requirements and restrictions. The limits are 2,500 words or less, and they give you three options to start with. The prizes include Founder's Packs for the game (which I want but won't pay for as I can't run the beta on my Mac) and recognition by Graham McNeill. Dope. Anyway, here's my first draft. I'd love some C&C on this. Of course, Imperial Fists have not been announced as a playable chapter, but they are supposedly going to add a fifth and I've got my fingers crossed for them. 

 

EDIT: Furyou Miko pointed out that putting my story online might disqualify me from the contest. So... PM me if you'd like to read and offer comments? I'd love the input but I realize it's certainly less convenient. At any rate, after the contest is over I'll put it back up for funzies. 

[helterskelter]

Awesome story, just one teeny thing I noticed: Just then, a bell chimed and he snapped to attention. 2400. Time for rest. The noticed with a start that the burning smell in his nostrils was quite real. 

 

Is the "the" before noticed meant to be a "he"?

 

Crackin read, does really feel from the perspective of a fist, I like how you ended the story too

[JeffTibbetts]

Good looking out!

 

Yeah, it was fun to do some research and whatnot. I'd never really gotten into Fists before. I hope the references aren't too heavy-handed. In the short format it's hard to avoid though. Plus I was trying to capture elements of the game as well. It was fun to write.