Brotherhood of the Helix WIP

[Helseth]

This is my first ever DIY Chapter, there is much left to be fleshed out I want to talk about relationships with the ad mech being strained and lots of other ideas floating round in my head that I can't quiet get on to paper making sense. Any comments suggestions or questions are most welcome!

 

Formed: 870.M40 (25^th Founding)

 

Home World: Ixthania (In orbit of Ix)

 

Ixthania is a large asteroid stuck in orbit around the planet Ix (the 9^th planet of the Accord System). The Brotherhood recruits exclusively from the planet Ix. Ix is a desert world with 2 bands of temperate areas near the poles. The local population lives in pre-industrial tribal society, at any one time there will be several wars being fought between tribal family's over water, fertile land, and other natural resources. The population is used to warfare and following the orders of there their tribal elders to the word from a young age, making ideal recruits for a space marine chapter. There is a very low incidence of mutation and a high acceptance rate for the Zygote implants. Recruitment is done by a team (At least 1 or as many as 5) consisting of a Librarian, a Chaplain, an Apothecary, and a senior sergeant from the 10^th Company. These teams travel the plant from Tribe to Tribe testing every young male between the ages of 6 and 10. From there the potential recruits are taken from their families and begin the process of proving themselves to the chapter.

 

 

Combat Doctrine

 

The Chapter’s cold fury in combat is fearful to witness, and deadly in its effectiveness. The disciplined regimen of volley fire from the Brotherhood Of The Helix's defensive positions, often dropped from orbit during Drop Pod Assault containing Tactical and Devastator Squads, combined with surgical counter attacks from Assault Squads, Veteran Squads of their 1st Company, and Land speeder Squadrons are brutally effective against mankind's foes. The brotherhood has limited fighting vehicles so for heavy support will often depend on Devastator squads.

 

Notable Engagements

 

989:M40:

 

Battle of Flamgas. Flamgas is a small but important planetary body not far from the Accord System. It produces many hundreds of tons of raw ore for the near by systems. On a routine patrol the frigates of the chapter Dynamus, Nastrato, and Assent jumped in to system to find many hundreds of Ork ships heading in system. A message was sent back to Ixthania, where the Chapter Master Assan Tariq decided that the entire chapter was to be mobilized for war. On arrival in system the fleet began to scour the system of Ork ships isolating small groups and either pounding them to dust with massed fire, or with teams of Marines and Terminators in boarding actions. Things went well and after 2 weeks of near constant void combat the area was firmly in control of the Brotherhood. Now was the time to strike at the Orks planet side. The Chapter Master decided upon a bold action of dropping straight in to the heart of the Ork force, using Drop Pods, Teleport, with Thunder hawks bringing in heavy vehicles. Unknown to Assan Tariq the Orks planet side had seized the local defenses, and had added in the typically Orkish way many extra weapons.

 The chapter had been reduced to just 35% of full strength in its first ever major engagement.

 

998.M41: Third War for Armageddon

 

The Brotherhood of the Helix sent 2^nd company and 6^th company with support from the 1^st and 10^th company's to assist. The Captain of the group, with advice from Chief Librarian Lichna, decided not to go to Armageddon its self and to fortify surrounding systems. The chapter has left a legacy of fortresses surrounding Armageddon.

 

 

 

Battle Cry

 

Commander:

“FROM THE WALLS”

All:
“DEATH FALLS”

 

Gene Seed

 

Imperial Fist:

Missing:

Betcher's Gland

Sus-an Membrane

 

Faith

 

Brotherhood of the Helix believe them selves to only exist to defend the Imperium, they do not accept that The Emperor is a God, but hold him up as the greatest defender of Humanity.

[Olis]

This is my first ever DIY Chapter, there is much left to be fleshed out I want to talk about relationships with the ad mech being strained and lots of other ideas floating round in my head that I can't quiet get on to paper making sense. Any comments suggestions or questions are most welcome!

Alrighty then. Please note that the red words in your quotes are spelling and grammatical corrections on my part. Feel free to use or ignore them as you wish. *cracks knuckles*

Okay. First up: Having a strained relationship with the AdMech. One way to make it sound good is for the Chapter to somehow aggravate or transgress in the eyes of the AdMech. This must be something reasonably serious if you wish to make the relationship truly dramatic but if you want to just have an undertone to the article then I suggest devising a circumstance where the Chapter's existence itself is a thorn in the side of the AdMech. Perhaps they find something of the AdMech distasteful or wrong, somehow?

Ixthania is a large asteroid stuck in orbit around the planet Ix (the 9^th planet of the Accord System). The Brotherhood recruits exclusively from the planet Ix. Ix is a desert world with 2 bands of temperate areas near the poles. The local population lives in pre-industrial tribal society, at any one time there will be several wars being fought between tribal family's over water, fertile land, and other natural resources. The population is used to warfare and following the orders of there their tribal elders to the word from a young age, making ideal recruits for a space marine chapter. There is a very low incidence of mutation and a high acceptance rate for the Zygote implants. Recruitment is done by a team (At least 1 or as many as 5) consisting of a Librarian, a Chaplain, an Apothecary, and a senior sergeant from the 10^th Company. These teams travel the plant from Tribe to Tribe testing every young male between the ages of 6 and 10. From there the potential recruits are taken from their families and begin the process of proving themselves to the chapter.

A point on how marines select new recruits - Obedience can be enforced with hypno-indoctrination and chem therapy, so it is not a determining factor. Aggression and skill often are. That's not to say that your Chapter doesn't value following orders, but it sounds better for them if they choose violent and deadly over the orderly and the obedient.

Now, the implication of this passage is that wars on Ix commonly use child soldiers. Is there a reason why?

Combat Doctrine

The Chapter’s cold fury in combat is fearful to witness, and deadly in its effectiveness. The disciplined regimen of volley fire from the Brotherhood Of The Helix's defensive positions, often dropped from orbit during Drop Pod Assault containing Tactical and Devastator Squads, combined with surgical counter attacks from Assault Squads, Veteran Squads of their 1st Company, and Land speeder Squadrons are brutally effective against mankind's foes. The brotherhood has limited fighting vehicles, so for heavy support will often depend on Devastator squads.

I think a lot of this paragraph, for want of a better word, is just filler material. You are saying quite a lot but not much of it is useful information to the reader. The fact that the Chapter has limited fighting vehicles is worthy of note however much of the rest appears to be par for the course in terms of how astartes fight. It's harsh to say so but I feel that this paragraph needs to be rewritten. At the very least, your second sentence needs to be broken up as it does run on quite a bit - the majority of the paragraph is that one sentence.

Questions to consider - How codex compliant is your Chapter? Is it orthodox and follows the Codex to the letter or is it's interpretation more... flexible?

Does your Chapter favour a particular weapon or method of fighting over others? Why is this? Could it be down to material concerns such as supplies and ease of maintenance or is it ideological in nature?

Perhaps your Chapter likes to overwhelm enemy positions with vast amounts of high grade firepower (a nod to the volley fire sentence). Perhaps the Chapter prefers pin point accuracy in all aspects of it's warfare (a nod instead to the surgical strike sentence). Although this would feel like you are reducing the chapter to a two-dimensional representation of itself, do bear in mind that characterful Chapter tend to have a focus. Something that they do well. This 'something' would be worth mentioning, maybe not as a the primary point in the combat doctrine section but certainly as an important one.

Notable Engagements

989:M40:

Battle of Flamgas. Flamgas is a small but important planetary body not far from the Accord System. It produces many hundreds of tons of raw ore for the near by systems. On a routine patrol the frigates of the chapter Dynamus, Nastrato, and Assent jumped in to system to find many hundreds of Ork ships heading in system. A message was sent back to Ixthania, where the Chapter Master Assan Tariq decided that the entire chapter was to be mobilised for war. On arrival in system the fleet comprising of 1 Battle Barge, 5 Strike cruisers, and 23 Frigates, began to scour the system of Ork ships isolating small groups and either pounding them to dust with massed fire, or with teams of Marines and Terminators in boarding actions. Things went well and after 2 weeks of near constant void combat the area was firmly in control of the Brotherhood. Now was the time to strike at the Orks planet side! The Chapter Master decided upon a bold action of dropping straight in to the heart of the Ork force, using Drop Pods, Teleport, with Thunder hawks bringing in heavy vehicles. Unbeknown to Assan Tariq the Orks planet side had seized the local defences, and had added in the typically Orkish way many extra weapons.

The drop pods where launched and the Thunder Hawks left there pads, speeding towards the planet, then in a moment the defence battery's of the planet opened up, the crude Orkish additions to the systems slowed down the reactions of the machine spirits, making it almost impossible to hit the drop pods, but the thunder hawks where nearly all shot down. The infantry landed and cleared there direct area expecting heavy support vehicles to land any moment. It soon became clear over the radio chatter that 94% of the thunder hawks had been lost leaving only 4 active, and only 2 able to making to the drop site, bringing the 3 Predators Fury, Heavens Fire and Justice, and one Vindicator Helical.

Realising with out there heavy support they could not fight this army on the move Assan Tariq changed the plan of attack Moving all infantry to a perimeter he set the tech marines to start building crude fortifications under the covering fire of the tactical and devastator squads. While assault squads forayed out to take the fight to the enemy, and Terminators where used to support parts of the line most heavily under attack. Wave after wave of Orks where pushed back. After 3 weeks of bloody fighting having lost 47% of the marines of the chapter the final battle was joined by the Ork Warboss Hockalugi, both sides fought with no mercy, no quarter, and no forgiveness, eventually the line of space marines started to fall back to ward the centre of the area they had cleared, each step back driving the Orks in to a frenzy. When just as it looked like there was no place to go the Vindicator Helical opened up with its Siege cannon, ripping great chunks out of the Ork force, suddenly the Brotherhood had stopped falling back and where once again where holding the line and driving back the Orks with precise Bolter fire.

Assan Tariq steped forward to the only ork not driven back and bellowed a challenge T Hockalugi, and a mighty battle was fought as the warbosses Power Claw snaped and sliced at Tariq's Storm Shield and Thunder Hammer, while in return great blows where landed upon him. The two mighty champions fought on and on, eventually both began to slow from the wounds dealt to each other. Seeing his final chance the Chapter master dropped his Shield and swung a mighty blow at the Warbosses head, smashing his skull and primitive brain in to atoms. In return the Warboss had begun to swing his claw and it connected with Tariq's power armour ripping in to both his primary and secondary hearts.

Thus was the end of Assan Tariq's tenure as chapter master. The chapter had been reduced to just 35% of full strength in its first ever major engagement.

Again, to me there seems to be a lot said, a lot of information imparted, but not much of it is important to the battle itself. I would advise pruning at least a third of this - a shorter and more succinct summary of the battle would be much easier to read and would not detract from the article as a whole.

At the moment this battle accounts for about 50% of your unfinished article so far. Although the ratios would tip against that 50% value the further you refine and add to your article, take it from me that having most of the writing tied up into a battle is not a good sign at the beginnings of an article's genesis. Background is great and can add character but it needs to be direct.

(Note I have not edited the quote - I think you should have a chance at doing that yourself without me traipsing all over it. )

998.M41: Third War for Armageddon

The Brotherhood of the Helix sent 2^nd company and 6^th company with support from the 1^st and 10^th companies to assist. The Captain of the group, with advice from Chief Librarian Lichna, decided not to go to Armageddon itself and to fortify surrounding systems. The chapter has left a legacy of fortresses surrounding Armageddon.

Interesting, I must say. Often when I see a Chapter credited at taking part in the Third War for Armageddon, it is on Armageddon itself. To have your Chapter fight around the Armageddon system but not actually in it is a refreshing idea.

The rest of the article so far is fairly straight forward and brief, and thus there is little for me to critique, but it does need fleshing out.

[Helseth]

Thanks for the reply! I'm not surprised about the spelling(always been a major weakness of mine(Need to start paying attention to the wiggly lines I guess). I felt that the Battle for Flamgas was wordy, but couldn't quite work out what I wanted to do with it!

On the Ad Mech front I was looking for some thing that is kind of annoyed the Ad Mech in some way making receiving new tanks etc is held up I want it to feel kind of like the Ad Mech always push the chapter down the waiting list for larger equipment. Explaining the reason why the chapter depends on devastator squads rather than Armored might.

On the Codex side the chapter is like 90% compliant, some renaming of roles (Apothecary's being renamed Guardians and Captains being called elders ) trying to come up with a cultural reason why this might be.... Their is also the lack Armour as mentioned. I am looking for their kind of defensive specialists, kind of happiest behind walls and forcing the enemy to come to them kind of thing. With a heavy emphasis on sudden strike tactics from Assault squads and Land speeders, while the enemy is focused on "the Walls" as it where.

The Armageddon thing, there is allot of Cannon Chapters, and DIY chapters that where meant to have been on Armageddon its self... there is only so much room on one planet... I also recall reading some where that just because Thrakka was on Armageddon its self it didn't mean ALL the Orks in the area where there.

Much to think on, and much to be done! Thank you again for your comment!

[Helseth]

Also some how I skipped over the Child solider thing: Basically every one is raised to fight for water, food even clothing. If you can't support your self quickly, you quickly die, you must prove your self worthy of these things, and of use to the tribe.... 

If that makes sense?

[Olis]

It does. Sorta. So these things must be extraordinarily scarce for adults to consider children as appropriate fodder for war. Thinning the herd, as they say. That sort of society would not care much for the orders of an elder unless said elder can enforce their say. It would strike me as a common thing for these tribes to have a change of leadership, should they rely on leaders at all.

[Helseth]

Never thought like that.... ummmm more things to consider. Gives me some thing to think of while I polish my sax.... and no that is not a euphemism!