IA: Doomed Archangels

[Darman Vallerius]

Origins.......

 

The Doomed Archangels is a founded Chapter processing from an unknown chapter, however was brought into being as a crusade chapter in the early dawn of the 39th Millennium when the age of waning began during the 23^rd founding.

This chapter is a relatively new, however already has been known for heroic deeds in face of overwhelming odds, they are sworn enemies of Chaos through bitter warfare for the survival of the chapter on the chapter’s planet. 

Set in late 41 millennium, the chapter has just been engaged in a 6 year war against various chaos chapters and now after a significant attack from the 13th crusade has destroyed the majority of the chapter about 400 battle brothers remain. Their chapter master was corrupted as he was injured by a blade of nurgle and succumbed to the wounds and became a deamon of nurgle. 

 

However they managed to drive back the chaos by the timely arrival of the militarium Tempestus and the sisters of battle. Now the chapter have adorned their armour in black and grey to remember those fallen. Only a single banner flies which is plain with the names of the fallen on and the chapter insignia. Driven by the need to survive the chapter on their home world live in the ruins of the once great planet. The chapter’s fortress was half destroyed and is used as the main shelter for the entire remaining planet population, who now live underground or in destroyed building using the wrecked city as cover.  

 

The chapter is led by a young captain who is now chapter master, and the chapter deeply depends on each individual being able to perform tasks beyond a normal space marine; repair armour, perform surgery, maintain equipment and a gear, keep the blessing of the machine spirit in check. 

This is due to very little techmarines, chaplains and apothecaries surviving the continuous chaos attacks and those that did survive are teaching marines certain ways. Only the most achieved marine can the progress to become a Chaplain, Techmarine and Apothecary, however this takes multiple decades to train them.  

 

The chapter is pretty much fully independent within the walls of the fortress and in the submerged Manufactorium where ammunition is continuously being manufactured and then blessed by the few remaining chaplains continuously to ensure the chapter has enough ammunition to hold the planet from attack and even go on the offensive. 

 

The chapter survives alongside a small planetary population that survived and are trained and put into certain roles such as working in the Manufactorum, acting as servitors to the tech priests, operate planetary defences, and soldiers in the form of Militarium Tempestus, and due to bonds of war, a small segment of sisters of battle live alongside the marines, and they help with the marines train the selected population in the arts of war. The soldiers created from this planet are some of the best disciplined and skilled troops in roles of urban combat and defensive techniques. 

 

 

These marines are on the verge of extinction, each is driven by the need to survive and get vengeance against the forces of chaos that came so close to destroying the chapter, although it'll take time, they will rebuild, reclaim their solar segment and then drive back the chaos threat, they will not cease until every last traitorous filth is eradicated from this universe no matter the cost no matter the time it takes, and they will have their vengeance. That is if the chapter survives....

[Conn Eremon]

Hello, and welcome to the Liber! You've got a good start going on from what I see. I've always liked the idea of a Chapter brought low but determined to limp along.

 

Some thoughts:

 

How attached are you to the name "Doomed Archangels." It's certainly descriptive of their situation, but the whole thing feels a little too bulky. Plus, why would the Chapter call itself doomed? Keeping the root words, however, you get 'Doom Angels,' which sort of flows better, in my opinion.

 

 

The Doomed Archangels is a founded Chapter processing from an unknown chapter, however was brought into being as a crusade chapter in the early dawn of the 39th Millennium when the age of waning began during the 23^rd founding.

 

Why is it created from an 'unknown' source? Is there going to be a reason for it in the later IA? I ask because it's relatively common to see an unknown origin used just to add an air of mystery to the Chapter, and the honest truth of it is that it fails at that task nearly every time. Give us a good reason for them to not know, or else we're all going to wonder why they don't.

 

 

Set in late 41 millennium, the chapter has just been engaged in a 6 year war against various chaos chapters and now after a significant attack from the 13th crusade has destroyed the majority of the chapter about 400 battle brothers remain. Their chapter master was corrupted as he was injured by a blade of nurgle and succumbed to the wounds and became a deamon of nurgle.

 

So, this Chapter has fought for six years against multiple Chapter-sized warbands, including a significant attack from the 13th Black Crusade, but your Chapter has managed to survive all that at half strength? That seems remarkably unlikely, to be honest. If you want your Chapter to survive, I'd suggest toning it down by several degrees the foes they face. Having your Chapter face the forces of Chaos during a six year preamble to the 13th Black Crusade seems better. You're not actually stating the numbers, so it lets the reader assume how large the foe is when they see how many survived the assault.

 

 

Only a single banner flies which is plain with the names of the fallen on and the chapter insignia.

 

That actually sounds pretty cool. Morbid, and rather subdued for a Space Marine Chapter, but it's a nice visual.

 

Only the most achieved marine can the progress to become a Chaplain, Techmarine and Apothecary, however this takes multiple decades to train them.

 

I'd remove this, personally, as it really doesn't add anything and it kind of makes it sound like you're referring to those who have taken on these duties because of the severe losses the past six years, which is contradicted by saying it takes "multiple decades."

 

 

You might need to reword the beginning bits a bit. It sounded to me like the Chapter had successfully driven off the foe, had won the six year war, and would probably be in the process of rebuilding. However, later on it sounds more like there was just a brief reprieve brought by reinforcements, but now the Chapter and the reinforcements are stranded on the world to wage a war of attrition. The latter sounds better than the former, I would stick with that.

[Lord-Captain Cepinari]

Yeah, that is an extremely clunky name that does not roll off of the tongue at all well.

[Darman Vallerius]

Thank you all for the feedback, I've just read it back and I understand and see the imperfections, I'm gonna do a re-write of it and see what you all think, but thank you for the feedback, and the chapter is now resurrected as the doom Angels, sounds cooler and easier on the tongue.  

[Darman Vallerius]

Origins.......

 

The Doom Angels is a founded Chapter processing from an unknown chapter known to only a few, they speak not of their Origin as they believe it will dishonour their creator's chapter, the majority of the chapters past was lost in the battle along with multiple artifacts and  however was brought into being as a crusade chapter in the early dawn of the 39th Millennium when the age of waning began during the 23^rd founding.

 

This chapter is a relatively new, however already has been known for heroic deeds in face of overwhelming odds, they are sworn enemies of Chaos through bitter warfare for the survival of the chapter on the chapter’s planet. In late 41 millennium, the chapter has just been driven back the 13th Crusade and chaos daemons out of the system after a 6 month siege, at horrific cost of life to the chapter. Their chapter master was corrupted as he was injured by a blade of nurgle in the desperate battle for the chapter fortress and succumbed to the wounds and became a deamon of nurgle. In dismay the chapter had  to turn their bolter fire onto the one they used to fall into battle, one they called brother.

 

However they managed to drive back the chaos by the timely arrival of the militarium Tempestus and the sisters of battle. Now three months after the chapter have adorned their armour in black and grey to remember those fallen. Only a single banner flies which is plain with the names of the fallen on and the chapter insignia. The chapter has only engaged in one major planetary offensive since the chapter has been reduced to numbers of only 478 battle brothers, amongst these numbers included are the tech marines, chaplains, apothecary's, librarians and Captains.

 

However fortune has it that an estimate of  thirty nine scouts along with ten veterans and the master of the forge had been engaged in eradicating chaos cultists on another planet had survived by gathering the planet's local population and had driven back chaos through the might of heavy and continuous fire  power of lasguns and the resurrection of a war titan and baneblades dismayed the attacking forces. However stranded to return to defend their home planet due to the destruction of the spaceport. Now after being rescued they return to join the Chapter and try to start to rebuild

  

The latest engagements in the system and surrounding systems the Chapter has allowed fellow brother chapters mainly the blood Angels and Death Spectres and the imperial fleet to take the vanguard in engaging the chaos warbands, however...  during the final battle for the system over a month ago certain battle brothers driven blind by fury and despair have disregarded all need for self preservation and have charged into the enemy in a bloodthirsty rage even against overwhelming odds, never retreating only pressing forward until they eventually sucumb to their wounds.

 

Seeing this has made the Imperium wary of their gene-seed origin, however the Blood Angels deny this is true and their reports indicate multiple acts of heroism were conducted. In despair of this sudden appearance of bloodthirsty battle brothers, Darman Vallerius engaged in talks with the Imperium that any future chapters that are too few to hold their own join the doom angels and continue the fight amongst them as brothers who have lost everything however still fight and survive, the system must be kept strong and secure, because who knows how long it will be before another hive fleet emerges from deep space or when the next waaagh will assault the universe?  

 

 

Driven by the need to survive the chapter on their home world live in the ruins of the once great planet. The chapter’s fortress was half destroyed and is used as the main shelter for the entire remaining planet population, who now live underground or in destroyed building using the wrecked city as cover.  The chapter is led by a young captain who is now chapter master, and the chapter deeply depends on each individual being able to perform tasks beyond that of a normal space marine.    

 

The chapter is nearly independent within the walls of the fortress and in the submerged Manufactorium where ammunition is continuously being manufactured and then blessed by the few remaining chaplains continuously to ensure the chapter has enough ammunition to hold the planet from attack, in these troubled times the chapter has stumbled across multiple manufactoriums or inquisital barracks abandoned with experimental weapons, these weapons we used by many battle brothers trying to hold of the continuous attack, it is believed that without the finding of these weapons that the chapter would of been overrun, the weapons are now harnessed and used mainly by the battle brother scouts.

 

The chapter survives alongside a small planetary population that survived and are trained and put into certain roles such as working in the Manufactorum, acting as servitors to the tech priests, operate planetary defences, and soldiers in the form of Militarium Tempestus, and due to bonds of war, a small segment of sisters of battle live alongside the marines, and they help with the marines train the selected population in the arts of war. The soldiers created from this planet are some of the best disciplined and skilled troops in roles of urban combat and defensive techniques

 

With the addition of remnants of a chapter shortly to arrive within a year brings great comfort and also great sorrow, however it brings long needed reinforcements and the addition of more arms to bear, war machines to use in battle, and the increased number of battle brothers, to ensure the loss of previous battle brothers are surely but slowly replaced. These marines are on the verge of extinction, each is driven by the need to survive and get vengeance against the forces of chaos that came so close to destroying the chapter, although it'll take time, they will rebuild, reclaim their solar segment and then drive back the chaos threat, they will not cease until every last traitorous filth is eradicated from this universe no matter the cost no matter the time it takes, and they will have their vengeance. That is if the chapter survives....

[Welcheren]

 

they speak not of their Origin as they believe it will dishonour their creator's chapter, the majority of the chapters past was lost in the battle along with multiple artifacts and  however was brought into being as a crusade chapter in the early dawn of the 39th Millennium when the age of waning began during the 23^rd founding.

 

 

This is perhaps a little dense: you might want to tease out the details and explain each part in more detail.

 

When you say that the chapter will not speak of their founder, are you thinking of having them derived from the gene-seed of a Traitor Primarch, or have I got this wrong? Curious to see where this does. 

[Darman Vallerius]

Well to answer your question, when the chapter master was struck down by nurgle he ascended quickly into deamonhood, leading the imperium to believe that the chapter are affiliated with the forces of chaos...... so the chapter is feeling ashamed and that it has dishonoured it's founder Chapter and refuse to let it be known as it could bring that chapter also under .  however later in the story I did mention a hint at what the founding chapter could possibly be: 

 

"during the final battle for the system over a month ago certain battle brothers driven blind by fury and despair have disregarded all need for self preservation and have charged into the enemy in a bloodthirsty rage even against overwhelming odds, never retreating only pressing forward until they eventually sucumb to their wounds."

 

And I'm planning on writing a short story on the initial first contact and one of the final fight and the demonic ascension of the chapter master. I am also currently working on a codex for the Chapter. 

 

However if you guys are interested in more in depth history of the chapter I'd always be happy to do more stories like this one, Just let me know 

[dusara217]

Well to answer your question, when the chapter master was struck down by nurgle he ascended quickly into deamonhood, leading the imperium to believe that the chapter are affiliated with the forces of chaos...... so the chapter is feeling ashamed and that it has dishonoured it's founder Chapter and refuse to let it be known as it could bring that chapter also under .  however later in the story I did mention a hint at what the founding chapter could possibly be: 

 

"during the final battle for the system over a month ago certain battle brothers driven blind by fury and despair have disregarded all need for self preservation and have charged into the enemy in a bloodthirsty rage even against overwhelming odds, never retreating only pressing forward until they eventually sucumb to their wounds."

 

And I'm planning on writing a short story on the initial first contact and one of the final fight and the demonic ascension of the chapter master. I am also currently working on a codex for the Chapter. 

 

However if you guys are interested in more in depth history of the chapter I'd always be happy to do more stories like this one, Just let me know 

If you're going to make them Blood Angels, then you need to mention the Flaw a LOT more than that. The Flaw is a dominating trait of every BA Successor, and even those who did not know they were BA Successors (See: Carmine Blades) knew of the flaw and tried to hide it from the Imperium at large. You might use this as an extra clue as to why they are ashamed of their past, as they may believe this is a weakness that may lead their Chapter to Chaos. If you don't want the Flaw to be overdone, then you can just briefly mention the weak of your Chapter have been known to homocidally insane and charging headlong into battle; abandoning their Battle Brothers and leading to a bad reputation among some elements of the Imperium. You would also need to add a few more instances, like maybe a Captain succumbing and causing the destruction of his Company (during the 6-year war).

[Welcheren]

You would also need to add a few more instances, like maybe a Captain succumbing and causing the destruction of his Company (during the 6-year war).

 

 

Alternatively, a situation could arise during which a Captain's loss of control somehow causes immense casualties among a civilian population - a turn of events that your chapter abhors.

 

 

There is a beautiful scene in the novel Death of Integrity during which a veteran-sergeant of the Blood Drinkers chapter kneels by the long-decayed corpses of Imperial merchants. And as you read this, you just know that he is not simply saddened at the loss, but feels guilty over the Rite of Holos.

[Conn Eremon]

First off, sorry it took me so long to honor your request, Darman. Figured its been long enough that I'll just start with your Chapter instead of getting to it down the line.

 

I really think you need to take the time to read back through what you wrote and edit it up with proper grammar and sentence structure. I know, this isn't school and you're not trying to get points for an essay, but if you take that kind of work and dedication to it (which should be much easier considering its interest to you and how relatively short it is), it makes it a lot easier for others to read it. Since you're posting it here for the purpose of having an audience, make it easier for the audience to read and understand what you mean. If you're not fluent in English, then I can understand, but it will really help you out a lot if you did make this effort.

 

I'm not sure I'm sold on how this former Chapter Master 'ascends' to daemonhood. The process described sounds more like it would lead to a descent into spawnhood, which could be equally devastating to this Chapter.

 

I don't think some of the specifics on numbers are all that necessary, such as that they've been reduced to exactly 478. Space Marine numbers in open war fluctuate too much, if not nearly as much as a mortal army would. Saying they're at "half-strength" says basically the same thing while sounding a lot better.

 

If you are going the route of the Blood Angels successor, then I have to agree with dusara217. The Flaw needs a bit more screen time, especially since the Chapter has unknown heritage. You could hand-wave away talking about the Flaw if the Chapter admits to it, as something that just 'goes without saying.' With the progenitor being unknown, the Flaw deserves to be elaborated on even more. 

 

Lastly, I think your Chapter needs a bit more grimdark to smudge the noblebright. I know, they're on the verge of destruction and desolation, but it's the introduction and depiction of other Imperial factions that kind of lends it that noblebright air. But I think you introduced one element that would be the perfect vehicle for some extra grimdarkness to bring it more in line with the 40k setting: the Sisters. They're the militant arm of the Ecclesiarchy, often utilized as the chamber militant of the Inquisition's heretic-hunters, and one of their oldest uses in the setting was as Space Marine killers (just don't tell Aquilanus :ph34r: ). When a Chapter has gone heretical, the Sisters purge them clean (and dead). With their altercation with Chaos, culminating in their Chapter Master going down and changing into a daemon, adding to it the Imperium's distrust of the Chapter's genetic lineage, and you have a very, very good cause for the Sisters getting involved.

 

So I'd switch their introduction around a bit. They're not there to help the Chapter. They're there to observe the Chapter. They're there to determine if the Chapter's survivors show any sign of corruption. And if they find anything, they are there to kill them. Not just the corrupted few, but everyone. Purge the Chapter and the world clean.  Sure, they'll add their strength to the Chapter's when it comes to waging war against the Emperor's foes, but they're not there as reinforcements, they're not there as friends. They're there to investigate. They're there to execute.

 

And the Doom Angels are well aware of that.

[Welcheren]

 

 

So I'd switch their introduction around a bit. They're not there to help the Chapter. They're there to observe the Chapter. They're there to determine if the Chapter's survivors show any sign of corruption. And if they find anything, they are there to kill them. Not just the corrupted few, but everyone. Purge the Chapter and the world clean.  Sure, they'll add their strength to the Chapter's when it comes to waging war against the Emperor's foes, but they're not there as reinforcements, they're not there as friends. They're there to investigate. They're there to execute.

 

And the Doom Angels are well aware of that.

 

I doff my cap at you sir.