First attempt at writing, a very short story

[hivey]

my girlfriend convinced me to try writing, so i did something up quickly. she and a friend say its good, i dont think so. what are do you guys think? dont laugh too hard.

 

 

*******************

 

Screams. Terror. Monsters.

They had killed his family first. Father, mother, brother, sisters. Now they came for him. He ran. The monsters followed, gaining ground rapidly. Now they came for him. He could hear them running, grunting, bellowing, whooping. He looked back at them, saw their ugly green faces, their brutal tusks, and their red, hellish eyes. He did not see the stone that caught his foot. He fell. As he scrambled to get up, the creatures caught up to him. One knocked him back to the ground. They surrounded him, laughing, they began to beat him. They kicked him, over and over. One shouted, causing the others to stop. It raised something over its head. A crude axe, ready to end his life. Then it paused, and he heard what it had heard. A loud roar, like thunder, followed by a blue blur, like solid lightning. It struck the axe wielding brute, knocking it from its feet. More lightning bolts landed amongst his tormentors, and he saw them for what they truly were. Cobalt blue giants. Angels. The God-Emperor’s Angels of Death. They had come, descending on wings of fire, to save him.

 

Tolias Clausel, Sergeant of Assault Squad One, Fifth Company of the Ultramarines Chapter, struck the Ork Nob like a thunderbolt. The greenskin fell, but recovered its wits quickly. Bellowing a challenge in its guttural tongue, it charged. Clausel fire three shots from his bolt pistol at it. All struck true, but did nothing to slow the foul beast. He sidestepped a clumsy swing from its axe, blocked a second, and ducked a third. Now under its guard, he retaliated. His chainsword growled hungrily as he slammed it into his foes side, turning into a scream as the teeth met with bone. The Ork bellowed in pain and rage, then fell silent as the blade severed its spinal cord, slumping to the ground.

His target vanquished, Clausel took a moment to assess the battle. His squad had landed among the xenos, firing pistols and hacking with chainswords, like avenging angels. As he watched, Brother Pech decapitated an Ork, while Aviton unloaded his pistol into another, blowing its chest out in a welter of blood and bone. The civilian the Orks had been assaulting had managed to escape during the confusion the Ultramarines’ attack.

The last few Orks turned to flee. Clausel ordered half his squad to chase them down. They triggered their jump packs, intent on running them down and finishing their bloody work.

 

The Orks had come to the world to kill and destroy. The Space Marines had come to stop them.

[ZONKEY]

Very enjoyable glimpse into the battle :)

[deathspectersgt7]

Good.

[hivey]

is it really? thank you.

 

any constructive criticism? i might try to write a longer story, but would like to know what i could do better before hand.

[Olis]

any constructive criticism? i might try to write a longer story, but would like to know what i could do better before hand.

 

It's promising. Truly, I think you may have the beginnings of something. The use of aural input as well descriptors that aren't overly flowery point to having a good handle on your ability to put your ideas to paper (so to speak) relatively intact. Painting a picture with words is essential if you want to be a decent writer, I think. I also notice that you aren't repeating too many of the same words. That is good too. You will need to polish that, though, as I think the word 'they' and 'it' pop up a little too much imo.

 

Another criticism I could offer is that the initial paragraph has perhaps too many successive short sentences (and to a lesser degree the second paragraph suffers from this too). I get that the idea is that this is a civilian, breathless and afraid, fleeing for his life but I recommend breaking up every three or four sentences with a longer, more composed sentence to give the passage some ebb and flow. Don't get me wrong, I can see some of the sentences are longer than the others but they all seem to follow that breathless continuation whereas I think putting something in to break that flow will bring these short 'hikes' together in toward a sense of breathing in and breathing out instead. 

 

In short, there's too many brief sentences and repetitions. It isn't game breaking - for a first attempt it's certainly not bad at all. I'd say you can do very well with some practice and experience under your belt. ^_^

[hivey]

Thank you. If i decide to do another, i'll keep that in mind. Im glad the short sentences did convey that the civilian was terrified and such, but i can see what you mean about there being too many short and not enough long.

 

Mind telling what i could use instead of it and they, and where?

 

How was the second part, with the marine? Any issues there?

[Olis]

Mind telling what i could use instead of it and they, and where?

 

Here is my suggestions (alternatives are marked in red):

 

The beasts surrounded him, laughing, they began to beat him. Each of the aliens kicked him, over and over. One shouted, causing the others to stop. It raised something over its head. A crude axe, ready to end his life. A pause... and he heard what it had heard. A loud roar, like thunder, followed by a blue blur, like solid lightning. Striking the axe wielding brute, the new arrival knocked it from its feet. More lightning bolts landed amongst his tormentors, and he saw them for what they truly were. Cobalt blue giants. Angels. The God-Emperor’s Angels of Death had come, descending on wings of fire, to save him.

 

As you can see, usually the replacement of a word does not always mean a like-for-like swap with just one word. Often you will need to rearrange a sentence or change the tense to accommodate the erasure of a word and facilitate a donor replacement. Hopefully this helps. :)

 

How was the second part, with the marine? Any issues there?

 

I believe the second paragraph needs longer, more composed sentences. We have switched perspective from a scared civilian to a fearless astartes, so I'd expect the writing to seem calmer and more measured. Although we are in the midst of combat, I don't think a terse recount of the action is needed, when compared to the previous 'civilian' paragraph. There's more repetition in the paragraph, but I'll leave it to you to identify. ;) 

[Vanguard]

Olis has a lot of very good points. Along with what he has already mentioned two things stuck out to me. First, the opening sentence of the second paragraph feels very long. I don't think that it needs to be explained what number squad the sergeant is in, and then the company number AND then which chapter. I'd keep in that he's an assault squad sergeant and drop the squad and company numbers. You then may want to move the reveal of what chapter the Astartes is in until the end. Which leads onto my second point.

 

The story has two pov's, the civilian and the marine but I feel you don't conclude the civilians arc very well. The space marines are the Emperors ultimate warriors and valiant defenders of humanity - make it seem so, through the eyes of the civilian as witness to the orks' slaughter. A nice touch would be to switch the pov back to the civilian, maybe, at the end. A space marine has just saved his life and this is something he'll likely never forget. Describe the marine standing triumphant over the slain enemies. Maybe even have the marine acknowledges the life he has saved? But I think this is where the reveal of the marines chapter could come in to place. The civilian, now out of danger, would be able to drink in the information about his life saver and commit it to memory.

 

Just my two cents. I liked the story and the action description was well executed I think and comic book in style. As in I could see the actions in my head easily enough.

 

Keep it up.