Help needed with fluff background for Inquisitor.

[SW1]

I'm going to be starting an Inquisition Warband for the tale of 18 hobbyists challenge. I'm wanting to buff out the background a bit. Now I've not written any fiction since I was at school and that was near enough 2 decades ago!!!

 

So if anyone has any constructive criticism I'm all ears!!! Here's where I'm at ...

 

 

http://i1279.photobucket.com/albums/y524/Taron_James_Beer/Mobile%20Uploads/emperor_of_mankind_by_d1sarmon1a-d8r46fh_zpsk0mi3rsv.jpg

By the order of his most Holy =][= Inquisition, I your most humble servant bring tidings from Inquisitor Lord Stefanos Wulfram "Exterminatore Mundorum".

 

A small fact finding force will arrive shortly headed up by Inquisitor Vladmire and his retinue. Your full co-operation is expected, anything less will be dealt with accordingly ...

 

=][= Inquisitor Vladmire =][=

Vladmire was pulled from the sweaty masses of humanity and thrown into the maelstrom of battle at an early age by Inquisitor Wulfram. A great believer in adversity bringing out the hidden diamonds from the pebbles littering the sea of humanity. Time and again the young Vladmire came back from seamingly impossible missions with barely a scratch. It seemed some higher power was protecting this youngling. Could it be a sign Wulfram had been waiting for? Not one to rush in he was cautious, continuing many more arduous tests of purity, faith and mental fortitude. It took Wulfram 17 years of constant testing to finally be satisfied he had found a worthy acolyte. One he could nurture into something exceptional, a fellow Inquisitor.

 

Once the decision was made Vladmire very quickly proved the decision was the right one. Like a sponge he took in information and showed an aptitude to put that knowledge to action. What started as an almost parental relationship quickly developed into one of brothers. When Vladmire saved Wulfram's life by tackling a fell daemon of ++ expunged by order of =][= ++ he knew the lad had finally earned the full title of Inquisitor.

 

 

Vladmires Flock

"Look through ye eyes of youth un truth will ye find laid bare" - Teachings of Inquisitor Lord Stefanos Wulfram.

 

Following on from the example of his upbringing into the Inquisitions fold. Vladmire has collected a large following of youths that have caught his eye as a possible candidates from many locations, cultures and backgrounds. A more diverse family has never been seen, ranging from savage ganger juves from the sumps of mighty hives to the children of the educated elite. Truely where they came from does not matter in the eyes of Vladmire, the one thing uniting them all is surviving certain death after all around them did not. What had saved them when all others had died? Vladmire follows Wulfram's belief that the hand of the Emperor himself can be seen in their plight and they have been saved for a higher purpose.

 

The life they lead is not one of easy living, infact many bemone the day they were given a second chance, wishing they had joined their friends and families in deaths. One thing is certain, all are given ample opportunities to join their loved ones if they so wish. To an outsider this can come across as unforgiving and harsh. But for those who have survived the trials for a while see a very different side of Vladmire. He cares deeply for all his charges but cannot allow sentimental feelings to get in the way of his duty and refuses to acknowledge them until he is certain it's not just blind luck keeping his charges alive.

 

To help him with his charges he has 3 priests in his retinue. In battle they can be found leading from the front wielding oversized chainswords signing out motivational hymns, invoking the eye of the Emperor to judge the actions being taken and to protect those doing his will. Many a foe has laughed at the charge of what they thought was just a bunch of kids only to hear the reving of an engine and zealous screems of the flock.

 

It's not only in direct action though that these charges are used. Many a time the inquisitive questions of a child have helped unearth the answers to problems that may have taken much longer to glean through more usual means. Who would suspect the fragile looking child to be an Inquisitorial spy? Many see them instead as a victim waiting to be caught up in their own schemes or a suitable sacrifice to aplease some god. How they rue the day they took them on face value choking on what turned out to not be the choice morsel they initially assumed them to be.

[SW1]

I'm trying to work a way into which some form of latent Psykic ability was woken in the Vladmire character. Explaining some of his luck is more down to a precog than random dumb luck. Maybe having his saving his mentor from a daemon being the point where his powers become more to the fore. But I'm worried this will make the story messy.

 

Does it flow ok at the moment? Am I trying too hard to fill in details when less might actually be more?

 

Lol ... This writing lark has got me over thinking things.

[Carrack]

I think it is a definate good foundation to build upon. You have a lot of opportunities to grow the story in different dimensions. The acolytes coming from all walks of life, provides opportunities to describe unique characters and backgrounds, all with a grim and dark connection. Plus the inquisition provides a lot of opportunities to tell the story from a non-narrative perspective, like correspondence, reports, trial notes, etc...

 

The flow of the story is good as well. One thing that kind of breaks it up a bit at the end is that you started a lot of sentences with "many". I think it would work better if you either used different words, or put the sentences together like; many a for...many a time.. many a witness see them... But like I said, the flow is good as it is, that's just a small nitpick.

 

I enjoyed reading your story, and look forward to more.

[SW1]

I think it is a definate good foundation to build upon. You have a lot of opportunities to grow the story in different dimensions. The acolytes coming from all walks of life, provides opportunities to describe unique characters and backgrounds, all with a grim and dark connection. Plus the inquisition provides a lot of opportunities to tell the story from a non-narrative perspective, like correspondence, reports, trial notes, etc...

 

The flow of the story is good as well. One thing that kind of breaks it up a bit at the end is that you started a lot of sentences with "many". I think it would work better if you either used different words, or put the sentences together like; many a for...many a time.. many a witness see them... But like I said, the flow is good as it is, that's just a small nitpick.

 

I enjoyed reading your story, and look forward to more.

This is exactly the feedback I need. I'd been through it looking for overly used words and edited out lots of "however" but didn't spot that. So thanks!!! :D

 

I'm tempted to write part of the story through one of the kids eyes using lots of "and then" like kids quite often do when describing something.

[Olis]

I'm tempted to write part of the story through one of the kids eyes using lots of "and then" like kids quite often do when describing something.

 

Even if the story was unquestioningly and blindingly obvious that it was from a childs POV, I would advise against using such a device as it would likely annoy many readers. The best way to have your cake and eat it regarding this concept is to have a brief excerpt of a testimony from a child. 

 

Moving on - you mentioned you needed a way to show that Vladmire had a latent psychic ability. Well, I would suggest using it as a reason why Wulfram took Vladmire under his wing. If not, the boy could have been destined for a Black Ship (or worse - possession). This way you can hit two birds with one stone. On the one hand you have yet to provide reasoning for Vladmire to be plucked from the masses and on the other you need to show that he has psychic talent, albeit a relatively minor (and benign) one.

 

I would also suggest changing the story as to how Vladmire earned his spurs. The Inquisition relies much on investigation and persecution, to the point where simply stating that Vladmire saved Wulfram from a daemon is anti-climactic. How did Wulfram become endangered by this daemon? What trials and tribulations led to this point? What did they lose along the way?  

[SW1]

Thanks for the feedback. I may rewrite up the above as an excerpt from a report so some areas lacking detail will be expected. I can then visit the situations set up by the first piece in more detail when I do the model. Will give me more time to work out details. I think I'll go into more detail of the kids/acolytes as they're the models I'm going to do this month. Next month I'll be doing the inquisitor and so can do a more indepth piece on him then.

[Lord Sondar]

I'm going through this to see if I can offer any food for thought, please feel free to ignore anything you don't like.

 

Vladmire and Wulfram

• You tell us Vladmire was young, how young? 
• How did Inquisitor Wulfram come across him? And what made Wulfram thing he was a worthwhile cause?
• The missions Vladmire survived do they have any cryptic names?  Like 'The Gethsaida Uprising' or the 'Kalpine Conspiracy', you could even give us a one line background to a significant mission.  
• I agree with Olis that some background into the pairs escapades would further the tale.  I think the trick is to tell us a little but leave the reader hungry to hear more about them, or even play it out on the table top.

[SW1]

I'm going through this to see if I can offer any food for thought, please feel free to ignore anything you don't like.

 

Vladmire and Wulfram

• You tell us Vladmire was young, how young?
• How did Inquisitor Wulfram come across him? And what made Wulfram thing he was a worthwhile cause?
• The missions Vladmire survived do they have any cryptic names? Like 'The Gethsaida Uprising' or the 'Kalpine Conspiracy', you could even give us a one line background to a significant mission.
• I agree with Olis that some background into the pairs escapades would further the tale. I think the trick is to tell us a little but leave the reader hungry to hear more about them, or even play it out on the table top.

Ahh ... Lord Sondar my most trusted ally ... Glad you could make it. Points taken on board and I'll start drafting some rough ideas on details. Preliminary draft report will be in by 9pm, I assume the usual recaff and Regicide is pencilled in for later. ;)

 

Lol ... So will we actually get some games in this edition then? Would really like to incorporate some games into the fluff if I can.

[SW1]

I'll be coming back to the initial story later to work on it. However I'm doing a squad of acolytes lead by a priest initially so here's a rough start to the first priest.

 

Father Ted, the smooth talking orator or should that be rabble rouser. Known for causing more trouble than he's worth by some in the Ecclesiarchy. After giving a few too many rousing speeches unsettling the population of a shrine world it was decided he needed to go. A bullet or knife would have been preferable but at a risk of making him a martyr. So a very long one way pilgrimage was arranged. Father Ted was rather happy with the honour of going on a pilgrimage on behalf of the Cardinal and everyone else including the Cardinal was happy to be rid of him. It wasn't until he got to the final point of the pilgrimage that he realised he was stranded on a backward planet well out of the regular interstellar traffic lanes. There were only two others on the planet as far as he could find Old Man Jack and his simpleton son Dougal (need to explain why they're there and where everyone else was).

 

Need to put how Vladmire comes across him. How he recruits him. Maybe what the kids think of him and what he thinks of Vladmire collection.

[SW1]

Well the idea for Vladmire got shelved as I didn't do his model. I will be working on him and his model soon so he will appear shortly. For now I introduce my first draft for my first Inquisitor model ...

 

Viridis Faba

 

When not in the field Inquisitor Viridis Fabs can usually be found tinkering with a new weapon or as he likes to refer to them, his "special toys". Viridis is constantly looking for technology and weapons which will give the Imperium of Man that illusive edge over the Xenos threat forever lurking in the shadows which seem to be getting longer and darker as the years pass. Willing to do what many others would consider heresy he specialises in finding the weapons of the Xenos most suitable to be used back upon them.

 

Rather than grubbing in the dirt of long forgotten moons or planets he finds it's far easier to get relics and weapons to come to him. Viridis is to those who think they're in the know, a foppish fool with more money than sense. A collector of the weird and unusual the more Xenos in origin the better. Many a trading cartel agent and rogue trader have enjoyed his no expense spared nights of cavorting with his collection proudly on display.

 

Just how he stays one step ahead of the Inquisition is greatly admired by his peers. For it is said hidden away in his more private collection is a suit of armour that clearly belonged to one of it's members previously. A suit of power armour dark green in colour with the Ordos =][= proudly displayed on it's chest and the Aquila on it's left knee. With an inhuman looking helmet on it's head with large purple eyes that seem glow even though the armour is unpowered and no matter where you stand in relation to the suit those eyes seems to be looking directly at you.

 

I how little did they know what a viper they had brought into their bosom for that armour is actually his. But this suits Viridis down to a tee. He takes great delight in stringing these greedy fools along with his theatrical flare which is helped along by his psyonic skills. It's far easier to make them believe what they want to believe than planting new ideas into their minds that is against what they know or have seen.

 

To help him keep this subterfuge on going, he sometimes enlists the help of his former Interrogator now a fully fledged member of the Inquisition in her own right, Illa Felix. A woman who loves nothing better than to get to grips with her enemy face to face. This is in a stark comparison to Viridis who prefers to take a more supportive roll. When arrayed for battle you will find cradled lovingly in his arms is the pinical of his research, a large complex array which if he is to believed is his own version of the fabled conversion beamer. What technology is actually contained inside is only know by Viridis and it's something he has never disclosed guarding it's secret jealously. What can be deduced is the power unit is much smaller than would normally be expected for such a powerful weapon.

[SW1]

I've done a bit of editing and cleaned up what I can see needed doing. Not sure of there's anything else that needs doing grammatically? Is there anything that could do with trimming or adding to? My biggest critic aka "The Wife" has yet to read it, pick apart the spellings and other errors. ;)

I think maybe I could do with something more about his weapon of choice or something? Re-reading it seems to end a bit abruptly.

This is where I am with pics as well ...

Inquisitor Viridis Faba

When not in the field Inquisitor Viridis Faba can usually be found tinkering with a new weapon or as he likes to refer to them, his "special toys". Viridis is constantly looking for technology and weapons which will give the Imperium of Man that illusive edge over the Xenos threat forever lurking in the shadows which seem to be getting longer and darker as the years pass. Willing to do what many others would consider heresy he specialises in finding the weapons of the Xenos most suitable to be used back upon them.

Rather than grubbing in the dirt of long forgotten moons or planets he finds it's far easier to get relics and weapons to come to him. Viridis is to those who think they're in the know, a foppish fool with more money than sense. A collector of the weird and unusual, the more Xenos in origin the better. Many a trading cartel agent and rogue trader have enjoyed his no expense spared nights of cavorting with parts of his collection proudly on display.

Just how he stays one step ahead of the Inquisition is greatly admired by his peers. For it is said hidden away in his more private collection, is a suit of armour that clearly belonged to one of it's members previously. A suit of power armour dark green in colour with the Ordos =][= proudly displayed on it's chest and the Aquila on it's left knee. With an inhuman almost robotic looking helmet, with large purple eyes that seem glow even though the armour is unpowered and no matter where you stand in relation to the suit those eyes seems to be looking directly at you.

O how little do they know what a viper they had brought into their bosom, for that very armour is actually Viridis's battle plate. But this suits Viridis down to a tee. He takes great delight in stringing these greedy fools along with his theatrical flare which is helped along by his latent psyonic skills. For it is far easier to make them believe what they want to believe than planting new ideas into their minds that is against what they know or have seen.

To help him keep this subterfuge on going, he sometimes enlists the help of his former Interrogator, now a fully fledged member of the Inquisition in her own right, Illa Felix. A woman who loves nothing better than to get to grips with her enemy face to face. This is in a stark comparison to Viridis who prefers to take a more supportive roll in battle.

When the need arises, Viridis is strapped into his green power armour transforming him from the perceived foppish fool into a mighty warrior of the Emperor. The transformation is so complete that no one would guess they are one in the same person, cradled lovingly in his arms is the pinical of his research, a large complex array which if he is to believed is his own version of the fabled conversion beamer. What technology is actually contained inside is only know by Viridis and it's something he has never disclosed guarding it's secret jealously. What can be deduced is the power unit is much smaller than would normally be expected for such a powerful weapon.

[SW1]

Just getting sorted in my head. The story line I. My head is getting way off track and I want to be writing about malleus and grey knights as they're the models I bought to paint up. So to get back on track the plan is to ...

 

- write introduction piece for Illa Felix and a henchman unit

- round off the Xenos force with Deathwatch unit or two maybe some Red Hunters?

- add big gribblies to get splatted which are normally docile.

- find out there's more to it than Xenos

- introduce Malleus and Grey Knights to the mix.

 

Wish me luck. ;)

[SW1]

This month I was just going to work on Illa Felix but I got some inspiration for converting up a bunch of ragtag priests all armed with Evisorators. So the next bit of writing has ended up being about Illa and the priests. I'm not sure I'll be able to paint them all up this month so I could do with separating the writing for Illa from the henchmen. Lol ... Or I could just crack on with painting if I get the writing finished quickly as it would help push me closer to finishing the target of 2,000 points of painted models.

 

Illa Felix

 

Originally started off under the tutelage of Viridis in fighting the threats from outside the Imperium smiting Xenos wherever they surfaced. However her experiences on the Cardinal World of ? would change her direction.

 

Having cleared several infestations of Hrud a pattern became apparent. They were all on a route served by a single Rogue Trader. Following this lead Illa came across the Cardinal World of ? where there was a premature ageing of part of the population. This lead to her uncovering an infestation of Hrud in the communal baths the Priests had reserved for blessing of pilgrims

 

Upon the revealing of the infestation the aged Priests took up blessed Evisorators, joining Illa in the cleansing of the holy site with flame and chainblade. Shortly after the cleansing several of the Orders Higher ranks who had strangely seemed immune to the ageing fell ill to toxic shock. After more investigation it became clear those affected had become addicted to certain poisons the Hrud produce which then protected them from the ageing that can be found around Hrud infestations.

 

Having saved their world from the encroaches of the Xenos and corruption in the remaining Priesthood pledged to protect Illa in her work. Illa aware of the importance of the Priesthood in the Cardinal World accepted an honour guard made up of the most able-bodied men. The remainder stayed on with renewed vigour to do his holy work. Once every few years those of the honour guard who have survived serving at Illa's side return to ? and are replaced with a fresh group of Priests ready to sell their lives for their worlds savour.

 

After much contemplation Illa realised a closer watch towards internal threats could have spotted the signs earlier than looking outward. This lead Illa to move from the Ordo Xenos to the Ordo Hereticus a move that concerns Viridis as he can see her views becoming more puritanical over time.

 

While Illa doesn't seem to have yet realised the impending confrontation, Viridis ever the schemer has already started to take steps to ensure the fight will be stacked in his favour.

 

>>>>>>>>>>>

 

I'm about 350 words into the 500 minimum at the moment though I reckon I could end up doing a lot more if I separate Illa and the henchmen sections. Though my concern with separating them is in her journey to where she currently finds herself they are an integral part of the story.

 

So any thoughts on keeping the story threads together or separating them?

[SW1]

Illa Felix

 

Illa Felix originally started off under the tutelage of Viridis. However while Viridis likes to meddle from afar, Illa like to get her hands dirty doing the Emperors work. Cleaving dirty Xenos with her trusty power axe fighting the threats from outside the Imperium wherever they surfaced. An extremely confident woman who finds life most exciting when the pressure is on, up close and personal.

 

However her experiences on the Cardinal World of Kurama V would change her direction forever. After much contemplation Illa realised a closer watch towards internal threats could have spotted the warning signs much earlier than just looking outward. This lead Illa to move from the ranks of the Ordo Xenos over to the ranks of the Ordo Hereticus, a move that concerns Viridis. Looking forward he can see her views becoming more puritanical over time and at some point in the future his willingness to use the weapons of the enemy back upon them will become an issue.

 

While Illa doesn't seem to have yet realised the impending confrontation, Viridis ever the schemer has already started to take steps to ensure the fight will be stacked in his favour. He has taken to calling for her assistance in the most dangerous of missions. Festering unheard of levels of cross Ordo co-operation, to many he is a shining beacon of what the Inquisition can do when working together. Some say he's aiming to join the ranks of The Lord Inquisitors, all the while he's just guarding his back. To Illa it seems she has finally gained Viridis' acceptance as an equal. However Viridis is keeping his friends close and future enemies even closer.

 

The Cardinal World of Kurama V

 

Having spent several years clearing infestation after infestation of Hrud, a pattern became apparent to Illa. They were all stop off points along one of the regular trade routes followed by several Rogue Traders. Following this lead Illa came across the Cardinal World of Kurama V where there was a premature ageing of a significant part of the population. It didn't take her long to locate the issue. As she'd suspected this lead to her uncovering an infestation of Hrud in the communal baths the Priests had reserved for the blessing of pilgrims.

 

Upon the revealing of the infestation the aged Priests took up blessed Evisorators, joining Illa in the cleansing of the holy site with flame and chainblade. Shortly after the cleansing several of the Orders Higher ranks who had strangely seemed immune to the ageing fell ill to toxic shock. After more investigation it became clear those affected had become addicted to certain poisons the Hrud produce which then protected them from the ageing that can be found around Hrud infestations.

 

Having saved their world from the encroaches of the Xenos and corruption the remaining Priesthood pledged to protect Illa in her work gifting her the most holy icon the world had "Percello", a mighty thunder hammer once used by Saint Teresa Martyr of the Blessed Shroud in the cleansing of the Scar Cluster. Illa aware of the importance of the Priesthood in the Cardinal World accepted Percello and an honour guard made up of the most able-bodied men. The remainder stayed on with renewed vigour to do his holy work. Once every few years those of the honour guard who have survived serving at Illa's side return to Kurama V and are replaced with a fresh group of Priests ready to sell their lives for their worlds savour.