The Phantom Lions

[Dizzyeye01]

Hello there brothers of the Unforgiven. Recently I took a vow in the Legends of Angels thread as seen here. And so I've decided it might be a good idea to get a thread up of my own to help me keep me up to date and to get criticism for it. I'll up update the OP as I add more to the stories and who knows, I might even put some pictures up of the Phantom Lions when I get the time to actually get them painted up

Prelude:

Sacrifice. It is something that every space marine know’s, whether from the loss of their brothers in arms or of the chapters that have been destroyed in service to the Emperor. Yet none know it as well as the Unforgiven. For them, they must bear the sins of their predecessors on their shoulders and seek a redemption known only to themselves for if their secret was revealed, their world would be torn asunder and the Unforgiven purged from history as little more than traitors and heretics.

Each chapter descendant of the Dark Angels Legion carry out this duty, this hunt with only the most tried and trustworthy of brothers able to carry the burden of the Hunt. Yet there are some who have gone even further than most. To the Imperium, the Lions Sable disappeared from history, destroyed by the chaos of time and the vile manipulations of heretics and xenos. To the Unforgiven, history tells a different tale. A tale in which only the Inner Circle itself is aware. The Forgotten War was a catalyst that may of undone the Lions in Black, but gave birth to Lions in the ash of the dead.

This is the tale of the Phantom Lions. Of Lions who sought not only redemption…

But Vengeance.

Chapter One: Survival

Can you keep a Secret?

Sergeant Janus levelled his bolter, firing with pin point accuracy into the mist that had cloaked him and his surviving brothers. The Lions Sable along with their brother chapters the Dark Angels, Angels of Redemption and the Angels of Vengeance to exterminate this den of traitors. At least that is what Janus was told. However now they found themselves in a middle of a trap, seemingly designed for them. A trap that was tearing them apart.

Can you keep a Secret?

First the traitor cultists came first, covered in symbols of heretics. While they died in their droves, they still kept coming. They were only the prelude though; space marines in ancient armour attacked next. Yet something was odd about them. The symbols they carried on their armour not only matched those the cultists wore but similar markings of the Dark Angels too. That and that damn phrase seemed to follow them wherever they went.

Can you keep a Secret?

Janus let out a curse as he ran out of ammo with his bolter, pulling his pistol out and continued to fire into the mist. The order had been given; the world was to be abandoned before they were trapped by the Warp Storms. The Lions Sable had volunteered to be the rearguard as duty called for. Janus knew the situation wasn’t good however as calls for reinforcement was heard through his radio. They were taking a beating. Janus himself had gathered what survivors he could find and were heading for the extraction zone.

Can you keep a Secret?

Thunderhawk wreckage was falling to the ground too. Where did these traitors’ gather such firepower? Already he heard over the radio of squads from his brothers of making last ditch attempts to removing these threats, their sacrifice heard through the sound of explosions and the screams of the lost. Had Janus not been helping get the wounded out of here then he knew he would be doing the same. The Chapter must survive though and he knew the window for escape was closing.

Can you keep a Secret?

By the time Janus and the rest of the survivors made it to their Thunderhawk, all of them already carried a serious of wounds. Some were unable to walk and had to be carried in while others made do with what they had, giving cover fire to the best of their abilities. Another figure seemed to draw out from mist into eye sight, very similar to the traitor marines but different in some regards; the robed ‘man’ carried a staff covered in runes, the same runes appeared on his armour and his robes in a molten red. With him, the stench of the warp came from him. The mist itself swarm around him like water breaking on rock.

“Can you keep a Secret? Or are you shrouded in the lies your brothers have span around you?” The figure asked, tapping his staff on the ground, his voice echoing through Janus’ head more than anything. Janus and the rest of the survivors didn’t answer to this witchcraft, too busy concerned with the wounded as the doors of the thunderhawk closed and the aircraft flied away, dodging through. Yet the question still bounced around in Janus’ head.

What secret was being kept that cost so many brothers their lives?

Anyway hope you enjoyed the pieces so far and any C&C is wholly welcomed.

[Grand Master Belial]

Marking this thread to keep up tabs. I'll look into the spoiler tags tomorrow. I like what I see so far and Chapter one's running theme definitely pounds itself into your mind so that you can't forget it and from the perusal, it works well with that part of the story.

[Father Mehman]

Apologies for not getting to you sooner. Grandfather Nurgeleth has seen fit to give me a potent gift !

I like where this could go. It'll be a fun read however it appears to us, that's for sure.

For C&C, I'd say you could probably make your Chapter 1 the Prelude and then, however it comes to you, give us something about the Phantom Lions, not their ancestor. It would be neat to see those two offerings you've given us merged together. How you do that is up to you. I say this because I'm a bit confused as to why your parent Chapter has such large coverage in your story about your DIY Chapter other than to offer a bit of history and set-up the main plot of the work. With short stories, I've always been told to get to the point as quick as possible. A whole section on other stuff is a speed bump to what you want to say to the audience.

I see what you've done by adding them in and you did it correctly, I just feel it's in the wrong part of the story. Feel free to ignore my C&C. Everyone has a different way to tell their story; there is no correct way.

Keep up the great work !

[Grand Master Belial]

I read through what you have and it is a great start. There were a few grammar mistakes that should be easy to find with a re-read particularly the Chapter 1.