First short story

[MyD4rkPassenger]

So this is the first of my 40k shorts I'm willing to share. Constructive criticism is welcome for sure. ( Sorry about the length and I'm on my phone so I can't put it in a spoiler )

 

The Reaving

 

Rain drops softly echoed off the hull of the chimera as it ground to a halt. The squad of guardsmen got out and sloshed through the mud quickly throwing a camo net over the Apc and setting up their camp.

 

The sergeant cursed as he inspected the damage, a broken tread. The repair would take hours, and they were due back in less. "Damned tech adepts! They told us everything checked out before patrol." He sighed and stood up, looking out at the dark, rain soaked jungle. He turned back to his men, "alright I want Dikros and Kellar setting up perimeter, the rest of you get to work on the treads, I'll radio in to command.

 

The two men threw on ponchos and activated their lasguns before starting off into the jungle. Sergeant Fonda climbed into the chimera and grabbed the vox link. There was just static on the other end. Fonda slammed the vox in place, muttering about the lack of quality these days and began trying to tune the system.

 

With a bit of adjustment Fonda found a signal used by the imperium, but seconds after tuning an ungodly screaming noise blared out of the speakers. Fonda fell back, hitting his head on a bench and rushed up to turn it off. "What in Terra's name?" A few soldiers peeked around the entrance asking about the noise. Fonda guessed it was just interference and told them such. On a backwater planet like this, far from conflict, there wasn't much to worry about.

 

A recruit asked Fonda about Dikros and Kellar, and Fonda himself realized they hadn't checked in yet. "The interference is probably messing with their comms as well, they'll be on there way."

 

A few hours pass and the men announced they repaired the tread. During the repair the storm had amped up and was becoming dangerous. Fonda was set to leave when he noticed that the patrolmen still weren't back. "Throne of Terra! Gear up and fan out, we've got to find em!" As per standard with lost men in the jungle, they formed a horizontal line and began to make their way into the brush.

 

The rain and wind were chilling the men to the bone, well all except Palandro with his plasma gun, as it heated the lucky bastard. All thoughts of cold disappeared when a cry for help was heard ahead. Fonda halted and ordered his men to stay sharp and be careful.

 

The squad moved into a small clearing where a scene of what looked like the slaughter house on Fonda's home-world was laid out before them. Dikros, or maybe Kellar, helplessly crawled around on the ground. His eyes had been gouged out and his face flayed to the musculature. The other was gutted and hanging from a rope of his own entrails in the trees, flayed as well. At the same time Fonda heard a low hum underneath the din of the storm, but pushed it out of thought as he had to take control of the situation.

 

One of the men threw up immediately and others began muttering to each other. Fonda knew they were outmatched, against whatever this was. He calmly whispered, "I want all of us to back up and double time to the transport." The men quickly acknowledged and began jogging back to the chimera.

 

A being sat unmoving in the brush nearby, watching with its enhanced senses. If one was listening, a constant stream of clicks began from it, a form of communication. As it conversed with whatever it was talking to, it meticulously began cutting the flayed flesh of the guardsmen into strips. One final click and it straightened up out of the brush, massive next to a normal man. It ever so quietly began to follow the squad.

 

Fonda was at the head of the column, keeping a brisk pace, feigning a calm demeanor. He was, after all, in command and needed to appear so. In truth he was terrified, he didn't know what mauled his men in such a way, he didn't want to find out either. As he came within sight of the chimera he sprinted into the cabin, activating the vox again. Unfortunately the screaming noise again blared out, but Fonda couldn't shut it off this time. Covering his ears he opened the door to the control area and gaped in horror as the entire dashboard and control system was in ruin.

 

Stumbling out Fonda saw his men trying to yell above the combined noise of the storm and the scream. Lightning flashed and Fonda saw a figure standing in the tree line behind his men. His voice was no match for the noises around him and he could only watch as a man was lifted from the back of the line and decapitated. Fonda drew his pistol and chainsword and backed up towards the chimera, he realized then all of them had been trapped.

 

Suddenly figures began rushing out of the brush, almost gracefully timing their attacks with the flashes of lightning. They tore into the troops. Some were thrown like rag-dolls into the jungle, they were the lucky ones. Others would lose an arm during one flash, and a leg in the second. Fonda watched as one of the dark figures tackled a man from behind, pinning him to the ground and crushing his skull to a pulp.

 

The screaming noise paralyzed Fonda, as now he couldn't tell the original from the sounds of his men. Gathering up his courage he fired a las blast at the figure that tackled his soldier. The being didn't even flinch as it took the hit, Fonda saw it raise its head. Another flash revealed a midnight blue helmet with the horrible visage of a daemonic skull painted on the front. The red eyes locked with Fonda's and he began wildly firing at the figures. His remaining men saw this as their signal to fight back and they too began firing at the attackers. The boom of thunder was suddenly followed by the boom of high caliber shells exiting weapons. Their targets were identified in the next flashes of lightning as they exploded into bits of gore and viscera.

 

It was then Fonda knew what was assaulting them, he dropped his sword and raised his gun to his own head. Before he could fire, a metallic slam sounded behind him, and he turned and looked up. One of the attackers had jumped on top of the roof of the chimera, a flash of light revealed its full and terrible form.

 

It was fully armored in the darkest shade of blue Fonda had seen. Energy seemed to crackle along its surface, not unlike the streaks of lightning in the sky. On its left shoulder lay a symbol in the shape of red bat wings with a skull in the center. The painted helm stared him down, and the figure raised its wicked sword to him. The red eyes pierced his soul and held his gaze. It's vox enhanced voice boomed over the thunder and screams, freezing Fonda in place. "Night has fallen, we have come for you."

 

The Astartes jumping off the roof of the chimera was the last thing Fonda saw.

[Carrack]

Good story. I liked how you used the "dark and stormy night" to heighten the suspense, and the timing of the attacks with the flashes of lightning was well done.

 

I write everything on my mobile, and to do spoilers just type this, minus the periods.

[spoiler.]

The text or picture you want to hide

[/spoiler.]

 

I hope to see more.

[EesiOh]

great peice of work, and Im sure Carrack will leave you some good pointers and tips (something that he excells in where as I, not so much). However something I can say (and Carrack may suggest this too) is have you considered looking at Inspirational Friday on the Chaos Space Marines thread? I dont know who you like writing about but as you have nightlords you might be interested. Every week or 2 weeks a topic is selected and all that wish to enter right a story fitting that topic or theme. The winner is then chosen at the end of the time peiord. http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/topic/317935-inspiration-friday-2016-versus-the-wolves-until-226/ here is a link to the current one if you are interested 

 

EDIT: I am so dissapointed in your lack of constructive criticism Carrack. -50 points from Slytherin

[MyD4rkPassenger]

Thanks for the kind words, also thanks for that spoiler tip! I'll for sure check that link you provided because I'm a chaos player and I'm definitely interested in writing more.