Beginning a Story (criticism welcome)

[Arkangilos]

I haven't thought up a title yet, but I am starting a story covering the captain of the Sanguinary Crusader's 2nd Company. Originally I was going to start before he became a scout, but decided to do when he was promoted from a Veteran Sergeant to a Captain. Eventually I might do stories that cover before he was inducted into the chapter (maybe flashbacks or something), and I might do stories for more of the second company and the attachments.

Criticism welcome!

Anyways, here is the first part I have:

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Veteran Sergeant Corvo took in the glory of the Great Basilica of the fortress monastery of the Sanguinary Crusaders. Before him was the massive hall that led to the ornate throne of the chapter master. The throne was flanked by two smaller thrones, the one to the right reserved for, and occupied by, the Sanguinary High Priest, the opposite for the Chief Librarian. The long aisle that led to the thrones was a richly made red carpet, embroidered with gold and black. On both sides of the aisle stood the assembled might of the chapter, all adorned in their polished armor, extra care taken for the ceremony.

What was more impressive, though, was beyond the throne and battle brothers. The walls were lined with intricate designs and marble statues of heroes of the chapter. The gilded pillars that supported the arched ceilings each told a story of their own. The ceiling was covered in paintings of glorious battles fought in the ancient days of the chapter. Between him and the thrones, there came a spot where the ceiling rose up into a dome. Rays of light, dubbed the Rays of Hope, shined down into the hall. High gothic words of hope, inspiration, and duty were engraved on a golden ring that was built into the connection of the dome to the rest of the Basilica. The lights were artificial, but designed to look as if it was the natural light of their world. Finally, behind the three thrones were the most impressive works. Against the wall, directly behind the Chapter Master, was a massive, fifty-foot statue of the Emperor, perfect in every way, sitting upon a throne and watching the congregation. To his right was Sanguinius, his left hand resting lightly on the Emperor’s right arm, his own right arm outstretched as if to show the Emperor the congregation. To the Emperor’s left was a statue of Rogal Dorn, the resolute Primarch watching the chapter, not showing a hint of emotion. Above the throne was another dome, though smaller than the first, depicting a more tragic, but no less glorious battle, the battle between Sanguinius and Horus.

Veteran Sergeant Corvo was called forth. He took a deep breath and began walking down the aisle, taking it all in. The perfect discipline of the men to his left and right only adding to the moment. As he neared, one of the chapter serfs in attendance drew a scroll and began to read, “Your Grace, presenting Lord Sergeant Destin Corvo, Master of the Third Company’s most prestigious first squad, Savior of Galorn, Victor of Maltax, Slayer of Warboss Orltork, and Defeater of Arch Traitor Olbron.”

Corvo knelt and said, “My Lords, I come as summoned so that you may pass your will.”

The Chief Librarian gazed at him with a discomforting stare, "He is pure, Lord Telanicus."

Chapter Master Telanicus looked down at Corvo, then at the two men flanking him. With a nod from each, Telanicus stood. He approached Corvo and beckoned him to rise. “You have done well for this chapter, Corvo. Following the death of Brother-Captain Farnese, the council deliberated who would take his place. We have come to the conclusion that you are a worthy successor,” he motioned to the serf, who brought forth a golden circlet, in the middle was a perfect blood drop ruby.

Corvo kneeled again as Telanicus lowered it onto his head. “With this, we name you Captain of the Second Company and instill you with the full faith and authority that the title brings. Lead the company well, Brother-Captain Corvo. Now turn.” Corvo did an about face, and as one the entirety of the assembled chapter saluted, their fists thumping against their chests. Saluting back, the Sanguinary High Priest approached with the Blood Grail, and poured into it a bloody liquid.

"In this grail is the life blood of the late Brother-Captain Farnese, and in that blood flows the blood of his predecessor, and his, all the way back to the veins of Sanguinius himself. Drink now, and take the blood of the second company into your body!"

Corvo took the grail and drank the vital content. It was not unusual, as it is tradition to drink from the hearts of the fallen, as a way to commemorate their loss. If the blood was fresh, some of their memories might even come back.

"As is our custom, you have three days to inspect your company. After those three days, you will report to the council chamber, where we will discuss your first campaign," said Telanicus. "Brother-Captains, take command of your companies and return to your duties and drills. Brother Corvo, second company is yours."

 

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The three days that followed for inspection were long and busy. In the usual format for inspections and training, each marine had his armor modified with pressure sensor plates and laser input ports. After this, Captain Corvo met with each of the sergeants to gauge their personalities, strengths, weaknesses, and characters. Many of them he knew well, having served with them on campaigns in the past, but some he did not. With them he laid out his plans. 

 

The next stage involved a two and a half Damorian day, each day being twenty-eight hours, field exercise that was broken into three stages: Drop and breach the fortification in the desert wastes that surrounded the mountain where the chapter resided, securing and consolidating within the compound, and holding the compound from a counter attack. The company would be timed and evaluated by Captain Corvo during each step. 

 

Defending the compound were battle servitors, scouts, and even a few space marines from the reserve companies. Both sides were equipped with less lethal rounds that trigger an electrical shock and system shutdown where the modified armor registered the hit. 

 

Corvo watched with pride as his company performed almost flawlessly. Almost. Each mistake, though minor, was noted, and each brother who had fallen or who had slipped up, either by missing a shot or letting the thirst take hold during the exercise would be punished accordingly. (Still adding more).

[SlangWhanger]

I like it, and want to see what Captain Corvo gets up to! I love the whole grandeur and ceremony you have achieved and the whole process of him becoming captain is wonderfully told. I've picked up a few things to try and be helpful, but I don't want to change the style/feel of the piece too much. Truth be told, there isn't all that much that needs changing imho. (Don't worry, i've managed to hold back my pedantry!).

 

(This point is because I was trying to find something to be helpful, and isn't a necessity to change).

The description of the basilica is very cool, though I'd be tempted to have the idea that the whole Chapter has been arrayed earlier in paragraph 1, and make a big thing of it. Maybe put it before the throne/aisle description? It's a rare occurence and thus exciting, and when readers see this straight away they'll think 'holy moley, the whole chapter? :cuss is about to get real!' (That's what I'd think anyway...). The opening (of the opening) is the most important and if it's not enticing people won't read on...

 

By the end i was veritably gripped by what the future might hold for this new captain. Will he find a company hostile to his command? Will he be fit for the role? Will he be able to control the Red Thirst? All exciting prospects. The good thing about this opening is that it introduces us to his story and makes us feel as if are taking the road with him.

 

Grammar wise:

 

End of second paragraph: 'Above the throne was another dome, though smaller than the first, depicted a more tragic, but no less glorious battle, the battle between Sanguinius and Horus.' Either change 'depicted' to 'depicting', or remove the fourth word 'was'.

 

'The Chief Librarian gazed at him with an discomforting stare, "He is pure, Lord Telanicus."' 'A' discomforting stare

 

Last line: 'then walked off with them on trailing him.' Doesn't make sense...

 

 

Overall cool though. I like your style and want to see where the Sanguinary Crusaders go next!

[Arkangilos]

During lunch or when I get home I will definitely see about making the change. Honestly, I didn't mean for the whole chapter to be there, but I couldn't think of a way to say that there were a few gone. I don't mind them all being there, but you are right, that is a big deal, so later I will try and make it seem like it! Unless you think it would be better not to have the full chapter there.

 

Im trying to think of why they would all be there.

 

Anyways, thanks for the feedback!

[SlangWhanger]

Well, in the Ultramarines novels, it is literally just Ventris (being appointed Captain) and Calgar. There may be the other Captains, but it's generally a small congregation. However, i feel that it is such a big occasion in a Chapter's history that AT LEAST the company would be there, but I see no reason why the rest of the Chapter (that are currently not campaigning) would not be present. The role of Captain is one of the highest honours and seeing someone being promoted to such a role would inspire the rank and file.

 

Basically I think it is an event that warrants the entire garrisoned Chapter presence, even more so as it's your own Chapter so you can make up any rituals! Of course there will be some companies on active duty, so if you want to be really fluffy/accurate then you could make a mention of those off planet doing the Emperor's duty, though it doesn't have to be anything big or too distracting.