Origins of the Blades of Alaric...

[Guest]

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[Phoebus]

At the time of the Iron Manticores creation the High Lords were not as suspicious as they are now ...

Of whom? Of the Unforgiven? Or suspicious in general? Don't take it for granted that your reader knows.

 

The Unforgiven provided the officer cadre to take control of the Chapter as was requested in the mandate ...

Which Chapter? This is the time to state this, not when the Iron Manticores are facing e

 

... over four hundred Astartes were already waiting, it is noted that they might have been cloned or vat grown, ...

Why were the Iron Manticores created in such an unusual way? Are there any rumors or theories? Cloning is generally associated with emergencies or experiments in the lore, and rarely has a good ending. This can, of course, be tied into the Iron Manticores' particular downfall.

 

... they were very inexperienced for Astartes

Compared to whom? Technically, you'd expect them to be about as experienced as graduating Scouts. 

 

They proved themselves to be very capable once they were battle ready slowly earning the respect of the rest of the Unforgiven as they learned their warcraft. The Chapter was eventually able to fight on its own with no support, with their new fleet they were about to set out to the Ghoul Stars when Inquisitor Cythro Darvoto of the Ordo Herecticus had requested the Unforgiven to provide support in his campaign, ...

How much time has passed? It doesn't sound like much. If Darvoto was counting on the Manticores' inexperience making them more susceptible to corruption, then perhaps there should be some foreshadowing here?

 

Also, what campaign and against who? I know you mention it earlier, but it's jarring not to be told here.

 

... even though the Dark Angels and most of the other Unforgiven were sceptical Cassiel was eager to once again prove his worth as the Grand Master and in extension the Iron Manticores.

Who is Cassiel? This is the first time he is mentioned. Some background would help, though this would best be placed around the same spot where you tell us which Chapter provided the gene-seed and the initial training cadre.

 

... what these artefacts did was not fully known.

We don't have to be told now, but it would be disappointing for their purpose not to be revealed as part of the story. At the very least, though, the artefacts should at least be named.

 

The first step over the line came when the Master Chaplain questioned the Inquisitor and Cassiel in private only to be killed in cold blood. Cassiel has used the Blade given to him by Darvoto, it howled as it took the Chaplains life.

I'd argue the first step came much earlier - the atrocities and blood-shedding you allude to in your story, for instance. This strikes me as the moment the Manticores crossed the point of no return. Something else to consider: the first we hear of Cassiel's downfall is when he slaughters one of his chief lieutenants. Shouldn't there be some build-up to this? Even if it's just mentioning him as playing an increasing role in the Chapter's slaughters?

 

Unknown to Darvoto and the Iron Manticores a group of three Inquisitors had informed the Dark Angels of this Inquisitors crimes and his heresy.

Why the Dark Angels? Why not the Inquisition? I'm not saying you can't do this; I'm just saying the reasons should be touched on.

 

Over half of the Unforgiven mobilised ...

Even back in the Third Founding, that still amounts to... more than six thousand Space Marines. I could be wrong, but this feels like overkill. 

 

With a fleet of ten Battle Barges, 17 Strike Cruisers and various escorts the Fleet when searching for answers.

On the other hand, this fleet strikes me as rather small given that more than half of twelve or more Chapters are part of this task force.

 

All records of the incident were wiped from Imperial records only the Unforgiven have knowledge as the three Inquisitors met with drive failure jumping into the warp.

I would re-think this. It's highly unlikely three Hereticus Inquisitors summoned the Unforgiven to destroy a Chapter of the Adeptus Astartes without there being some paper trail. The Imperium may very well have chosen to wipe the records subsequently, however, as more Space Marines turning traitor is hardly something they'd want to be common knowledge.

 

The Blades can use this to their advantage.

I wouldn't mention the Blades before you properly introduce them. In fact, I'd move that entire paragraph to after the 27th arrives and reaches an understanding with the Unforgiven.

 

There probably exists some documentation with the Manticores that survived the fall to corruption. The Blades would then say they are the few Manticores that fought against their corrupted brothers but were not slain in a ritual. Having been deemed free of taint by the Unforgiven chapters involved in the conflict. They were given permission to rebuild. They changed their name and colours to purged that reminder of their past and to avoid any complications when an Inquisitor remembers there was a kill order for the Manticores. The 're-minted' Blades would have been under close contact with the Unforgiven (which is true as the Blades were probably scrutinized heavily upon their return) and as such they rebuilt quickly with the Unforgiven looking on. The Blades have since kept in contact with the Unforgiven to prevent another Manticore Incident and have served with distinction ever since.

Wait, this is confusing. Did any Manticores survive? If they did, and they were free of Chaos, that is a rather significant thing... and there should be mention of it earlier - especially since we were told earlier that those who weren't corrupted were murdered. Really, though, it sounds like the Blades pretend like they are surviving Manticores who were given permission to rebuild and changed their name and colours. This is difficult to accept, though, since knowledge of the existence of the Iron Manticores was erased.

 

Sixty three years after the incident The ships of the 1st Legion carrying the 27th Order transitioned back to normal space in the Caliban System after being missing for over two thousand years.

An Order is a fighting force made up of multiple Chapters. The novella The Lion suggests a rough average of five thousand Space Marines per Order. Was this really an Order, then? If yes, then they must have been severely understrength (with just enough Space Marines to form a single Chapter). If not, then the Blades of Alaric are a super-sized Chapter.

 

Alloken the Supreme Grand Master along with Jurgen Becke came up with the plan of the 27th taking over the Iron Manticores history and provide the tithes due to the Chapter, ...

Again, why? Why would the Imperium expect tithes from a Chapter they thought was dead?

 

I get what you're trying to do here. You want a Heresy-era force to form the basis for an Unforgiven Chapter, and you're trying to provide a good reason as to how they would assimilate themselves in the highly-paranoid Imperium that came after the Scouring. I like it. You need to spell out your ideas better, though, and make sure they don't contradict each other. The Iron Manticores changing their name and heraldry to that of the Blades of Alaric because (as the lie goes) "of the shame they felt at almost falling to Chaos" works just fine... but only if the Imperium believes that the Unforgiven helped the loyal elements of the Iron Manticores prevail over their traitorous brothers. If all records of the Manticores were expunged, then it's kind of impossible for another Chapter to take their place... unless the Imperium somehow played a role in this. 

 

... but even Jurgen was not told everything, even Alloken did not know all.

You need to be more clear here: what is the big secret?

 

Origins of the Order of the Golden Blade

I would recommend not using exact historical names (Teutonic Knights, etc.). Almost twenty-nine thousand years separate the Dark Angels Legion from the knights you're referencing. When historic references are used in the Heresy novels or the Forgeworld books, names are almost invariably corrupted (e.g.,  "Gyptos," "Grecans," etc.). Make a reference to Germanican techno-barbarian knights marching the eizencrutz totem in front of their fanatical hosts, or whatever, and people will get it.

 

Also, if you're going to stick with this theme, keep it Terran in origin. Caliban is Caliban, and having your Chapter based on the one order that somehow defies that planet's culture is... well, kind of a stretch. It feels like different for the sake of being different. The cultural difference between this predominately Terran Chapter and the Calibanite Unforgiven could also be a good reason why Jurgen's desire to lead was rejected out of hand (besides other, more practical reasons, of course).

 

Beyond all that, I'd work on your sentence structure. There are a lot of run-on sentences, and this leads to different points and ideas getting mixed up together, which can be somewhat confusing.

 

I hope I didn't come off as too blunt. I think you have some very good ideas, and this story is one I'd really like to read as it continues being developed!

[Guest]

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[Olis]

Closed by request.