Index Astartes: The Cheezewatch

[Wargamer]

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for what happens to anyone who takes this seriously.

 

The Cheesewatch

Suffer not the Beardy to live!

 

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y198/Wargamer/Cheezy_zps3qagfknp.png

 

The Cheesewatch are the Chapter Militant of the Ordo Playtestus - the branch of the Inquisition charged with ensuring fairness across the galaxy. They are a highly secretive Chapter, and their true strengths are unknown. However, it is said that they have existed since the very founding of the Imperium, when it was decreed that Horus had clearly cheated by using Chaos sorcery to corrupt half the Astartes Legions.

 

The homeworld of the Cheesewatch is Terra, although the Chapter recruits from all corners of the Imperium. On countless worlds young citizens are tested in secret, posed challenges and questions that seem trivial and unimportant. Yet shadowy figures with scrolls and dataslates record their reactions, and those who show the innate understanding of fairness are whisked away on the Inquisitorial Faq Ships and brought to the Chapter's halls.

 

For the lucky few who survive the transformation to Astartes, their reward is a life of constant training, conflict and endless arguments about how rules as intended trumps rules as written.

 

They are the Cheesewatch, and They Shall Grow No Beard.

 

Chapter Heraldry:

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y198/Wargamer/spacemarine_zps2wtgrzyr.jpg

 

The Cheesewatch traditionally wear cheddar yellow armour, although Inquisitorial dictates allow for any cheese-colour to be applied. This is to act as a constant reminder that cheese is everywhere, and eternal vigilance is required to prevent its spread. The Chapter symbol is a block of cheese with a beard.

 

Organisation:

The Cheesewatch organisation differs somewhat from traditional Chapters. They are divided into numerous companies, each of 100 Marines, but the exact makeup varies as each company typically specialises in dealing with a specific brand of unfairness. However, most Companies keep quite closely to the Battle Company arrangement, which they consider a fair and balanced way to organise a fighting force.

 

When deployed, Cheesewatch almost always work alone and will actively encourage potential allies to leave the battlefield prior to their arrival. This is due to both the secretive nature of their ties with the Inquisition, and a deeply held belief that when you combine multiple armies you get a much greater potential for beardy force composition.

 

The Bleuwing: An elite all-Terminator company, the Bleuwing are a specialist force within the Cheesewatch, deployed only in the most dire of circumstances. They stand apart from the rest of the Chapter because of their radical nature; the Bleuwing operate under the doctrine that to fight cheese, one must cheese back. Clad in their Neckbeard Armour - specially modified suits of Cataphractii Terminator Armour - and armed with weapons so insanely powerful that the Adeptus Mechanicus has banned their use in war, the Bleuwing are an unstoppable force on the fields of battle, and there are few foes who can stand against them without throwing a hissy fit and storming off the battlefield in disgust.

 

Arms and Equipment:

Cheesewatch equipment is based upon that of a normal Space Marine, but with two notable variations. The first is that their equipment is old, on the basis that brand new things are probably overpowered and not balanced, and the second is their unique anti-cheese armaments.

 

The most common of these tools are the Equaliser Bolt Rounds. These rounds contain a series of chance-cubes, the design for which were found in the ruins of Gyptus during the early days of the Great Crusade. The cubes are carved from the foot bones of small fluffy animals, kept in sacred pouches and blessed on the shrine of an ancient and forgotten god. These rituals and more eventually result in a bolt round that is uniquely devastating to anyone who possesses and unfair advantage - against such a foe, the Bolt round will strike with unerring, inexplicable and often outright impossible force, crippling or destroying them in an apocalyptic display of karma.

 

For defense, the Marines rely primarily upon their Power Armour, which is inscribed with Rites of Rebalancing. These are the sacred decrees of the Emperor himself concerning what he wanted changing about the galaxy, and when confronted by foes who are outside of the Emperor's Errata the words glow brightly, providing significantly increased protection.

 

The Cheesewatch absolutely do not use any kind of Centurion, Dreadknight or anything else of that kind - an attempt to wear two suits of armour at once is deemed to almost certainly be a form of cheating, as well as looking really, really stupid.

 

Famous Battles of the Cheesewatch:

 

The Siege of Bahn'hmar: When the twisted servants of Slaneesh began experimenting with minor psychic powers, the Ordo Playtestus sensed something was amiss. Enemy commanders would abandon their men in the midst of battle, blindly walking into enemy fire or flinging themselves off cliffs, and no defense - material or psychic - seemed able to prevent this. Three Companies of Cheesewatch were deployed immediately and were faced with numerous winged Daemon Princes who swooped back and forth across the battlefield, mind controlling anyone they deemed worthy prey.

Despite their valiant efforts, the Cheesewatch were pushed back into the ancient fortress of Bahn'hmar, where the Chaos army laid siege. The brave Marines held out for weeks, but as supplies dwindled, so too did hope of victory. In desperation they began to loot the fortress armoury, resorting to lasguns and other salvaged weapons. It was then that the force commander discovered an ancient thunder hammer - the Malleus Exitus.

Seeing this as an omen of changing fortunes, the Cheesewatch charged out of the fortress. Their captain swung the hammer with great force, crushing any Chaos Marine who dared cross his path. The Daemon Princes descended, yet to their horror they discovered the secret power of the hammer. Whenever the Malleus Exitus struck a Daemon Prince the creature was erased from existence. No trace of it remained, and none of its essence returned to the Warp.

 

The Daemon Princes sought to flee this terrible new weapon, but the Cheesewatch employed the last of their Flightban missiles and downed them. One by one they were erased from existence, and the terrible secrets of their minor psychic gifts were erased from the galaxy forever.

 

 

The Fortress of Overkill: During the Battle of Plainsland, Imperial forces reported numerous instances where an alliance of Necron and Tau were somehow able to make extensive fortifications appear in the middle of previously open ground, giving them a sizeable advantage.

 

The Cheesewatch consulted the Great Book of Rules extensively and, upon discovering that the Rules As Written did not expressly forbid armies dropping fortresses out of the sky, proceeded to drop a Ramiles Star Fort on the xenos alliance, killing their entire army and every living thing on the southern continent. Observing Necron and Tau ships in orbit got the message, and no further fortifications mysteriously fell out of the sky. The Imperial Guard won the rest of the war, fair and square, without the Cheesewatch's assistance.

 

 

Misfire of the Magpie: When word reached Captain Levellus that the Chapter Master of the Blood Magpies had in his possession three relics from the Great Crusade, all of which had belonged to different Legions, and was riding around on a bike in a suit of Cataphractii armour, suspicions were immediately raised that the Marine had fallen to the lure of Beardiness. Indeed, when the full extent of the Chapter Master's wargear became known to the Cheesewatch, Captain Levellus' bolter miraculously misfired, rebounded down the halls of Terra, into the Webway Portal beneath the Golden Throne, through the sub-realm, through Commoragh, out via a little-used gate and fell from orbit onto the homeworld of the Blood Magpies, where it somehow fell into a volcano and caused a tectonic disturbance so violent it blew up the entire planet.

 

For reasons unknown, the Blood Ravens Chapter began gifting large portions of their armoury to other Chapters very soon after. As of yet, nobody knows why.

 

 

Battle of the Seer Mob: In the early days of the 34th Millennium, the Eldar of Ulthue sent a Seer Council of over four hundred Eldar psykers to scour the world of Forsorq of all life. Their Runic Armour, combined with the plethora of psychic abilities they possessed made them all but impervious to Imperial weapons; even tank shells bounced off the psionic wards! In desperation, the Cheesewatch sanctioned the deployment of the Bleuwing, who deployed in full strength to topple the foe.

 

Meeting the enemy on the ice fields of Sok'old, the Bleuwing armed themselves with Thunder Hammer and Storm Shield for the coming fight. Each Marine also slotted a Cyclone Missile Launcher atop his armour, and somehow obtained training as an Apothecary.

 

The resulting battle lasted eighty three years, until one of the Eldar Farseers died of boredom. Unfortunately for the Eldar, this was one of the Psykers enchancing their Rune Armour to near-invincible levels, and within a few hours most of the Eldar were either dead or captured.

[Servant of Dante]

"And they shall grow no beard" :D that's great. I'll finish reading this later, got to go right now . . .

[Teetengee]

So, do they have a bleuwing?

[Servant of Dante]

This is great. The fortress of Bahn'hmar especially :D

 

I second the vote for a bleu company/bleuwing (maybe they fight Tau? :P)

[Wargamer]

Clearly, I'm going to have to design a bleuwing. :P

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Do you plan on submitting this as an article for 1d4chan?

[Wargamer]

I'm sure if 1d4chan takes an interest it'll be stolen soon enough.

[Wargamer]

Bleuwing added, as well as a famous battle for them - Battle of the Seer Mob.

[Servant of Dante]

Bleuwing added, as well as a famous battle for them - Battle of the Seer Mob.

That's great! I love  it :P

[Bjorn Firewalker]

I just read the battles the Cheezewatch fought in. They're funny, but I suspect they're one I should keep my custom Chapters away from- I'm well aware of my own tendencies to Powergame, with my Iron Hands successors shoehorning Leman Russ turrets into Predator hulls, and my Blood Angels successors gaining Feel No Pain (6+) IN ADDITION TO Furious Charge- so any meetings between them and the Cheezewatch will likely be bloody.

[foamy248]

This. This is beautiful.

[Draakur]

This is grate!