Mechanical Daemons WIP Fluff pieces

[brettfp]

So, wasn't sure whether to put this here or in fan fic, but I've written some background explaining the background of my chaos warband WIP thread here.

 

I'll upload these as I finish units, both to the WIP and to here with a picture so you can visualize the model/unit i'm talking about.

I'm good at ideas, but not as putting them into words, I really need some tips and feedback as this is only like my 3rd attempt at writing something like this. any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

 

 

http://i.imgur.com/npV7XZ1.jpg

+Prologue+

The world DX-11257Z was discovered during the great crusade and was almost immediately deemed of no use to the Imperium. Located on the outer edge of the Eye of Terror, this small planet was almost entirely covered in harsh jagged mountains, save for a small flat rocky plains area the size of a small country. There was no plant or animal life present at all and the air was thin and only barely what you would call 'breathable'. The atmosphere was full of constant electrical storms which made reaching the planet's surface incredibly dangerous. There was however, evidence that it hadn't always been this way. The plains were littered with skeletons of both men and beasts and on one side, jutting out of the cliff side was a huge flat-walled stone fortress, which even then was ancient. Whoever had lived here, and what had caused the planet to become this way had clearly been long forgotten. The planet was added to the Imperial Database with a generic catalogue name, designated 'Dead World – Uninhabitable' and once again forgotten and left to rot. That is, until Hieronymous arrived centuries later...

 

 

 

http://i.imgur.com/IrzAMNi.jpg

Hieronymous: The Arch-BioSmith of Bedlam

 

+The Past+

Hieronymous remembers very little of his past as an Iron Warrior, a symptom of his madness. He does remember that he always had visions. With every passing year his visions became clearer and insanity grew stronger. No one was sure whether the insanity was a result of a his visions or vice versa. He slowly began to understand his visions, he realised he create, he could grow daemons. Some said he was crazy, some thought it was ridiculous and others thought it was an affront to the gods themselves. He was told to ignore it. Tired of being held back, he stole some equipment and fled with some cultists and a handful of marines who believed in his cause. They searched for a suitable new home and eventually found DX-11257Z. Whilst entering the planets atmosphere they were hit a by one the planets constant electrical storm and crash landed on the only non-mountainous part of the planet. He claimed the planet as his own, renamed it 'Bedlam' and began turning the one structure; a crumbling ancient fortress, into his hellish laboratory.

 

 

+The Present+

200 years later Hieronymous, who now calls himself 'The Arch-Biosmith of Bedlam' has learned a lot. After some early very unsuccessful experiments he found that whilst he could turn people into things reminiscent of daemons, they often quickly devolve into a unliving pile (and one time a puddle) of bone and flesh. The way to keep his creations intact was to use the right subjects. Soldiers (whether volunteer cultists or captured enemies) maintain transformations into Khornate daemons the best, and Psykers are best for daemons of Tzeentch. He has also discovered that the more willing a subject is to transform, the better they are at keeping their intelligence and knowledge. Occasionally, pilgrims risk the dangerous journey to Bedlam, in order to be transformed to be closer to their God. These become the leaders of his army of creatures, and his main advisers.

After years of raiding and experimenting, the original marines who followed him have been so thoroughly augmented and had their brains scrambled by Hieronymous' tinkering that they are barely more than power armoured servitors, that Hieronymous now uses as his main retinue. This has demonstrated for the few who know about these experiments, what they had suspected for a long time. No one escapes Bedlam unchanged!

Edited July 21, 2017 by brettfp

[joschlumpf]

Hi, I hope you still seek for suggestions!

 

First of all I think this background is very interesting.

 

I may have some input for you:

 

He slowly began to understand his visions, he realised he create, he could grow daemons. Some said he was crazy, some thought it was ridiculous and others thought it was an affront to the gods themselves. He was told to ignore it.

 

Do you mean, he is able to create demon out of nothing? That´s a power only the Chaosgods possess. Don´t you think this is a little extrem? And if he really has this power, I guess noone in the traitor armys would told him to ignore it. Abaddon himself would capture him and force him to work in his crusades :D

 

That aside is he also able to create machine-demons? That would be a nice addition.

[brettfp]

Thanks, and no its not that he can make daemons out of nothing. You're right that would be ludicrous, the idea is that he turns mortals into daemons (or at least tries to) but yeah maybe it should be worded differently. in the last part it says about the different test subjects he attempts to convert in daemons

[joschlumpf]

Of course, my mistake.

 

But that sounds more like extreme (and positive) mutation. Maybe clearing out what exactly does he do? Using his psychic powers to turn (parts of) the bodies into warpenergy?

[Olis]

 

 

+Prologue+

The world DX-11257Z was discovered during the great crusade and was almost immediately deemed of no use to the Imperium. Located on the outer edge of the Eye of Terror, this small planet was almost entirely covered in harsh jagged mountains, save for a small flat rocky plains area the size of a small country. There was no plant or animal life present at all and the air was thin and only barely what you would call 'breathable'. The atmosphere was full of constant electrical storms which made reaching the planet's surface incredibly dangerous. There was however, evidence that it hadn't always been this way. The plains were littered with skeletons of both men and beasts and on one side, jutting out of the cliff side was a huge flat-walled stone fortress, which even then was ancient. Whoever had lived here, and what had caused the planet to become this way had clearly been long forgotten. The planet was added to the Imperial Database with a generic catalogue name, designated 'Dead World – Uninhabitable' and once again forgotten and left to rot. That is, until Hieronymous arrived centuries later...

 

Something to nitpick grammatically, for the moment, is your use of the word 'was' (and the words 'he/his' in the next paragraph). You need to use it a lot less, vary your vocabulary. And, I would wager, I believe rewriting the sentences to avoid repeating the same words may help it sound more exciting. 

[brettfp]

Thanks guys

Of course, my mistake.

 

But that sounds more like extreme (and positive) mutation. Maybe clearing out what exactly does he do? Using his psychic powers to turn (parts of) the bodies into warpenergy?

 

Yeah, it kind of is, to be honest this is all really just to add some flavour to my conversions. If you look at my WIP thread you'll se that they just 'kinda' look like daemons, but some have developed certain daemonic powers. How exactly he does it, well, as I'm not a Superhuman scientist form the 41st Millenium with experience of the mind-bending properties of the warp, i'm not really sure, but i was thinking some sort of machine that blasts the test subjects with warp energy. possibly also daemonic organ transplants. But probably not really using psychic power, being an IW and all

 

 

Something to nitpick grammatically, for the moment, is your use of the word 'was' (and the words 'he/his' in the next paragraph). You need to use it a lot less, vary your vocabulary. And, I would wager, I believe rewriting the sentences to avoid repeating the same words may help it sound more exciting. 

 

Yeah I know, I'm not a great writer and did my best, but yeah I tried to cut down on the 'he' and 'was' but really couldn't figure out how to avoid them.

[Dizzyeye01]

You've got an interesting concept here for this warband you have here. Personally it sounds like to me that the Arch-Biosmith is trying to create Possessed soldiers very similar to that in which we see in Chaos Warbands who end up dying due to not being able to hold the demons within. What I would suggest is delving more into the Arch Biosmith himself and seeing how he ended up on Bedlam. As you said, he's an Iron Warrior but what drove him to creating these 'soldiers'? Was he abandoned during the Scouring by those he considered brothers so he decided he would forge his own army to beat them? What drives him in these dark days? Does he wish to see the Imperium brought to it's knees? Did he gather the original marines to help him?

[brettfp]

http://i.imgur.com/F1ICyaM.jpg

The Beast of Bedlam

 

'The Beast' was created entirely by accident.

After attacking a civilian hospital ship, Hieronymous took the patients captive, having already figured out that those afflicted with a contagious disease could better handle the transformation into Plaguebearers.

Hieronymous was attempting to forge his creations on a larger scale, making several Plaguebearers simultaneously with one large machine, but due to the mismatched parts and hand-made nature of the machine, He experienced a catastrophic failure.

After the smoke of a warp explosion had cleared, all that remained of the test subjects and the machine was a writhing mass of mechanical parts and limbs fused together. Heironymous called the experiment a failure and left the thing he had created to rot.

But after a few months one of his lab assistants checked in on it, and discovered that it had changed, all the legs and arms had moved and joined together to form larger limbs. Hieronymous kept a close eye on it and after a few more months the creature had evolved even more, It now towered over Hieronymous, and the smaller limbs had continued to be absorbed by the larger ones. Hieronymous had it moved to his main laboratory to have it augmented with horrible weaponry and battle stimulants. He saw visions of cities burning under the heel of 'The Beast', and laughed...

Edited July 21, 2017 by brettfp

[brettfp]

http://i.imgur.com/o1QjvyF.jpg

Dr. Veeran Mortelus

Dr. Veeran Mortelus was once one of the most brilliant and revered physician and medical scientists in The Imperium, and had travelled to numerous systems curing and helping some the richest and powerful people in the galaxy. During his travels he was infected with one Nurgles diseases. Although he managed to create a antidote to hide his physical symptoms, His mind never recovered.

With Nurgle wispering in his ear, Dr. Mortelus used his skills and celebrity to access high security facilities, He worked to disrupt The Imperium as a Bioterrorist, releasing contagiousness diseases across many planets with himself as the carrier.

When his ship was attacked by Hieronymous and his creations. Dr. Mortelus instantly knelt down to The Arch-Biosmith and pledged his allegiance to him. Hieronymous took the doctor under his wing and made him one of his lab assistants. Realising that he no longer had to hide his devotion to Chaos, Dr. Mortelus stopped taking his antidote and volunteered to have Hieronymous attempt to transform him into a daemon of Nurgle. Through a combination of Nurgles gifts and mechanical aid, he has managed to live far longer than any normal human. To this day he works as Hieronymous' Assistant Biosmith and Chief Medical Advisor. Dr. Mortelus has proved an invaluable ally to Hieronymous and relishes the twisted experiments on Bedlam almost as much as The Arch-Biosmith himself.

Edited July 22, 2017 by brettfp