[Index Astartes] - The Knights Penitent (The Iron Gauntlet)

[LancsHotpot90]

Well I think you've got a good base of ideas here to build on as one of the brothers here touched on in an earlier post, it would be worth while to write a kind of forward about what you intend to do and form all these ideas into a cohesive IA :)

[Dizzyeye01]

Alright, after some discussion in the Liber Surgery (thanks to everyones' thoughts there) I've made some progress in developing the chapter and seeing what ideas fit and what are needing to be put to the side. As Nightrawen suggested, I've now got a Foreword at the very top so everyone can see where I'm trying to go with the chapter. Here's the updated words as well so lemme know what you guys think:

 

Foreword: The goal I'm going towards is a fleet-based chapter who's main goal and specialty is hunting down those who have turned away from the Imperium and burning away their heresy in fire similar to how the Ashen Circle operated back in the Horus Heresy. Along with this, I want them to be tied to the Inquisition in a similar way that the Red Hunters are due to past actions and their founding (aka their part in the Nova Terra Interregnum which will be hinted at and explored more through stories and such.) This meaning that happen where single squads or more are sent off to assist inquisitors in certain matters. They'd operate in a similar way to the Black Templars in that they leave behind outposts on some worlds which have potential while they crusade.

 

Notes
Basic Info

• Unknown Founding (records begin roughly) M35

History

•  First records show event called the Reforge, a penitent crusade but the reasoning is not listed
•  Efforts shown in removing remnants of the Nova Interregum along with operations working with Inquisitors and then into generally looking for heretics.

Homeworld - Sector

A home? We do have a home. It's the battlefield. We are not worthy in the eyes of the Emperor if we're anywhere else.

 

• Chapter is fleet based, allowing them to easily cross space and carry out their purges
• Battle Barge [insert name] centre base of chapter, holds names of empires and foes burnt to ash, has hall of judgement

 

Possible world in sector.

 

Sidereus

To the Imperium at large, Sidereus is little more than a world of fire and death with lava rivers running across the planet, bearing many similarities with volcanic worlds across the Imperiums’ influence. It’s populace is little more than techno barbarians, scavenging off of what remains across the landscape in small bands hidden away in every crook and hole that offers shelter from the storms of ash that cross the land.Yet a deeper look into the world reveals a history buried within the caverns and ruins spotted across the landscape.

Before the days of the Great Crusade, it is believed that Sidereus was once a Penal World, holding the scum of an empire long lost to time. Murderers, thieves, any and all who had committed terrible crimes were sentenced to live the rest of their days within cages and cells. Attempts made to escape ended in death, either from the beatings of the guards or from the gene-forged beasts’ bites and claws.

The Storm of Ruin

These days didn’t last and unexpectedly, the planets’ long-thought dormant volcanos’ erupted and brought ruin to the facilities built. Prisoners’ ran free as systems fell and guard turned on guard as chaos erupted and everyone tried to escape. The storms of ash and soot that erupted from the mountains seeped their way into any aircraft trying to get clear of the planet and fell back to earth, crashing and burning.

While the intensity of the storms would lessen, the damage was done. The world was changed forever. Gangs of prisoners’ and guards were formed, all fighting each over for the precious supplies that were now scattered to the winds. Friendships were broken and forged, enemies found. One thing agreed on by all of the groups though, as told by the storytellers, is that they now lived in Purgatory.

Legends started to spread now, some believing that the Reaper of Death and his agents would hunt them all down eventually and throw them into the lava rivers’ flowing through the land for their sins (those of their own or eventually those of their fathers and mothers that is). Others’ spoke of salvation coming from the skies to their rescue while some believe that to escape the realm of Purgatory, one must go deeper into the ground, towards hell itself, and pray that their sins would not drag them down before finding the gates of heaven and finding rescue.

 
[sidebar] - The Mysteries of Angels 
 

• Hints of there being ruined space marine outposts dotted around the sector, bearing the symbol of angels (hinting at previous chapter being around at least.

 
 
Recruitment - Know this, by taking the Trials of Iron, you will be reforged into a weapon of the Emperor and of the Imperium. Your name, your past...all of it will be gone. This is the price you must pay if you wish to serve.

• Wardens/Redeemers (chaplains) cross the system searching for potential recruits
• Trials involve forging their own weaponry and armour, kept after induction into space marines as reminders
• Veterans are given marks (Like titan class items in Destiny) that are returned to their order back on homeworld

Chapter Organisation

• Penitent are marines who have failed their duties and seek redemption. Remain in their squads however before battle have their weapons chained to their hands and swear oaths seeking redemption.
• 10th Company is constantly going through the sector, seeking new potential recruits
• 1st company is spread out attached to other companies or away
• Reserve Companies have same units as Battle Company and are paired with a battle company when dealing in a warzone. When an inquisitor calls for support a battle company squad will go to assist as a kill team while the reserve company fills in the gap until kill team returns.

Chapter Doctrine

• Chapter specialised with erasing cultures with flame

​

Belief - I have no friends, I have no home, I have no name. There is only my brothers and the Chapter.

• Emphasis of working together and loyalty towards the chapter and Imperium
• Deep hatred of those who have betrayed the Imperium, believing the only way to destroy them is to destroy anything from them (Iconclasts)
• Failure is a big matter
• Chaplains play a big part in the chapter

Geneseed

 

• Rumours to being either Dark Angels, Imperial Fists or Ultramarines, studies showing geneseed remain pure though still get rigerous testing under the watch of the Inquisition. Rumours go off of behaviour of the chapter: unity = ultramarine, honour and duty = Imperial Fists, belief of punishment and deliverance = dark angels

[NightrawenII]

 

Foreword: The goal I'm going towards is a fleet-based chapter who's main goal and specialty is hunting down those who have turned away from the Imperium.

 

Hmmm, let's do a simple exercise.

Please, point out someone amongst the myriads of Imperial servants who does not hunt down heretics, apostates, traitors and/or renegades.

 

++++++

 

That being said, I can see what are you trying achieve, but you are doing it wrong way. First off, it would be more beneficial for the article to reveal the mystery behind the Chapter. The Dark Angels and the Hunt of the Fallen is more intriguing because we, the out-universe spectators, know the cause and the effect. In your case, it would help explain the grief, the misery and perhaps a self-loathing of this Chapter which compels them to do things they do.

 

 

~ NightrawenII

[Dizzyeye01]

Foreword: The goal I'm going towards is a fleet-based chapter who's main goal and specialty is hunting down those who have turned away from the Imperium.

Hmmm, let's do a simple exercise.

Please, point out someone amongst the myriads of Imperial servants who does not hunt down heretics, apostates, traitors and/or renegades.

++++++

That being said, I can see what are you trying achieve, but you are doing it wrong way. First off, it would be more beneficial for the article to reveal the mystery behind the Chapter. The Dark Angels and the Hunt of the Fallen is more intriguing because we, the out-universe spectators, know the cause and the effect. In your case, it would help explain the grief, the misery and perhaps a self-loathing of this Chapter which compels them to do things they do.

~ NightrawenII

Hmm, I see your point. I was originally thinking of having the IA be from the perspective of your imperial officer or whoever writes up this information about the chapters. The big event for what I was going to have for the chapter was that they ended up being involved in the Ur-Council. I'll let Olis explain his theory himself:

I have a pet theory on the Ur-Council and the Interregnum. We see a sharp rise in Chapters being made (with the 10th founding supposedly in mid-M35 and the 21st supposedly occurring at the end of the millennium) but we don't know why, occurring around about the time of the Interregnum. Even if we go by Octavulg's Big Timeline, that still means that instead of twelve foundings we see seven. Still a large number in one millennium.

Well, what if everything we have been told is a lie? What if the Interregnum was a cold war for each half of the Imperium? What if... the High Lords weren't the only ones authorising foundings? What we would get are proxy wars as each side fed men and space marines towards the borders or even into 'enemy' territory. Not something on the scale of the Heresy or Badab, but instead there is many minor - if brutal - clashes between those Chapters on both sides of the fence. Some would survive, some would not. Hence further foundings to shore up the numbers.

In the end the Imperium as we know it won. But such a massive internecine series of wars had to be swept under the rug. Records were purged. Chapters were mindwiped and then rehabilitated (if necessary). History was rewritten by the victor. The Ur-Council was gone, the threat to the High Lords expunged, but their legacy remained with the extra foundings - the extra Chapters. So, keeping things as simple as possible, each batch of Chapters brought back into the fold were reassigned to a certain founding, split as evenly as possible. Lumping them all together into one giant founding would look... suspicious.

-------

Anyhoo, like I said, it's just a pet theory. There's bound to be problems with it, or maybe some plot holes the size of Mars.

The part where he talks about chapters' being mind wiped and history being rewritten is the part I wanted to focus on. Perhaps I should have been clearer there. However, I do see your point in revealing the mystery. The IA could be done as a sort of report to an Inquisitor who is getting debriefed on the chapter and their current state. On their Geneseed though it is something I want to be kept a mystery at least for the chapter which for this reason:

Perhaps chapters like Absolvers, Angels Redeemed, Angels of Pennance and e.g. Penitents are echoes or Ur-chapters? Chapters that were renamed or re-created after they switched their allegiances? I have always wondered about these chapters and wondered what they've done wrong to earn their names.

I want this to be the major punishment that was given to the chapter. In the end, they survive but they essentially lose their chapter identity and the Inquisition are constantly watching them for any mistakes and using them for their own purpose (In a similar fashion that the Red Hunters are used). I do intend on giving them a new name like the Warlocks of Penance or something along those lines. You do raise a good point though about the Dark Angels geneseed and the Hunt for the Fallen which does give more suffering for the chapter. With the Inquisition on their backs they'd have to stop the Hunt so that it would remain a secret and the wider Imperium wouldn't know about it. The self-loathing would certainly be a big part in the chapters' reforms.

In essence, it's why I didn't want them to just be searching for traitors to kill, it would be killing their history and their legacy that they would be trying to achieve so that they're lost to time and their heresy forgotten. It's why they would remain fleet based and pursue their foe until there was nothing left.

Either way, you've certainly given some food for thought Nightrawen which I greatly appreciate.

[Dizzyeye01]

Alright, I've been getting some more work done on the IA itself. First is getting the OP into a more presentable state for once it is all complete. Second, I've been doing some graphics for the IA itself and you'll be able to see my creation on the OP post as well as below. Third, I've got some progress into the Organisation which explains the roles the chaplains and librarians fill. Nothing wild from the Codex Astartes however enough for a paragraph to explain. Lastly I should have some sidebar stuff ready soonish which will hint at things that are from the perspective of the Inquistion. Once more, let me know what you guys think about it all:
 
 

http://i.imgur.com/ngKg6ZW.png

 

 

Organisation

 

Like many chapters’ within the light of the Imperium, the Knights’ Penitent follows the Codex Astartes closely, abiding with remaining at one thousand strong along with being separated into battle companies and reserve companies. Due to how spread out the companies can get during times of war, the 1st company is usually spread out across to the other companies or assisting the Inquisition with matters that require their aid. The 10th company are also splintered out across the chapter fleet although they are usually not attached to any singular company. Instead, they are usually sent away in kill teams, sent out to investigate and gather intelligence for chapter command to make the best move forward for the fleet. This in term as earned the company the name of The Cartographers.
 
Along with this, it should be noted that there is a higher number of chaplains serving within the Reclusiam. Known within the chapter as ‘Wardens’, they are usually attached to a company not only for their usual duties seen within the chapter but also to act as disciplinary officers and the bringers of justice. If a dispute is raised then it is the Warden that will weigh in and give the final say, handing out punishments if needed. Finally, it should be noted that the Warden seems to have a greater influence within the ranks of the chapter, ranging from whether a recruit is spiritually ready for the hardships of a space marine to who the next chapter master should become. While they do not have the final say on a matter, it would be a great fool to ignore their word entirely.
 
In contrast to the Wardens, space marines gifted with the powers of the warp are lower than in your average chapter. Whether this is due to the believed tougher process initiates are put through or because of the geneseed is a matter of great discussion amongst the apothecaries and wardens of the chapter. Along with this, it is not an uncommon sight to see a librarian paired together with another. The reasoning behind this also relates to the role of the librarian within the chapter: to remain vigilant for any threats from the warp itself. Unlike in other chapters, librarians of the Knights Penitent hone their skills with the blade and use the warp to improve their own speed and strength to combat the enemy and to detect any demonic threat, whether through equipment from the enemy or whispers from elsewhere. It is due to this duty and due to the possibility of being possessed themselves that they are paired. In short, not only do they watch their own brothers within a company but they also watch themselves.

[Badass_Spaz]

Good sir, I've read the new Chapter and I'm loving the new angle. NightRawen does make a valid point; every Chapter hunts down and curb stomps heretics, I do think you could still do so with a touch more deliberation. For instance, Chapter fleet could either familiarize itself with the Halo Stars, Eastern Fringe, or Eye of Terror. Each of those places harbor fleeing traitors, rogue dignitaries, all that naughty non-sense. By trudging around those scarcely documented/lost regions, you might come along your most dreaded nemesis; TRAITORS!... Either that or pesky xeno's.
That aside, unless you're Dark Angels turning over pebbles for Fallen cubby holes, to deliberately fixate your Chapter on Ruinous forces is a tricky one... Well, unless you're cruising around the Eye of Terror. You could put a fair amount of emphasis on it but I wouldn't be so strict about it.

Just a thought, and feel free to ignore but have you thought minimizing the self-flagulation? I'd personally be more interested in a more subtle show of ritual devotion. Censure, or this redemption oaths, seems a tad counter productive. While I'm digging the shackling weapons, don't get me wrong, it's just a touch of subtlety seems apt. Like the Marines say their own oaths, Warden Reclusiam Squads use similar Ashen Circle loadouts; nothing set in stone but hints and nifty character traits.

That's all I got right now but I hope that sprinkled a little food for thought. In the end, it's you're Chapter and I'm happy to see you haven't been deterred from getting your xeno hate on. Hehe

EDIT: What painter did you use and how did you get such awesome decal on your Marine?

[Dizzyeye01]

 

 

That aside, unless you're Dark Angels turning over pebbles for Fallen cubby holes, to deliberately fixate your Chapter on Ruinous forces is a tricky one... Well, unless you're cruising around the Eye of Terror. You could put a fair amount of emphasis on it but I wouldn't be so strict about it.

 

True, very true. However, I don't plan on cruising around the Eye of Terror in all honesty. My plans are keeping them in the Segmentum Pacificus and having them diving into regions of space that are, as you described, lost or just not really documented. I do agree with you though that having them just focusing straight on Chaos may be a bit too much so I'll tone it down so that they're more just generally looking for threats and burn them down.

 

As for the self-flagulation, I'm more wanting it to be similar to how the Imperial Fists have the pain glove for penance and so on. As for the censure and so on, I don't mean to imply it's something that happens a lot and that we see space marines in lines just getting punished and such. It's just instead of the Captain dealing with the matter it's something that the Warden handles so that the leadership can focus on planning and such.Think of it more like how the Dark Angels call themselves the Unforgiven and the way they act. That's the sort of thing I was thinking and I'll try to show this more in the Beliefs system.

 

And for the painter, it's actually just the normal space marine painter found here on the B&C, I merely pulled up a graphics editor program and fiddled around with some objects for the end product.

 

Thanks for the C&C, brother. Looking forward to seeing what you've got in store for your own chapter.

[Olis]

Just a quick critique (I'm popping by while doing other things). Now, I don't know how long it took you to do it, or how easy it is, but I think your star needs to move further out of view. Well, maybe the bottom part needs to be rotated further around, at least. At the moment we can see more of it than we should.

Besides that, though, nice work with photoshop. :)

http://i.imgur.com/ngKg6ZW.png

[Dizzyeye01]

Thanks for the pointers Olis. It's a little hard to gauge when an object is supposed to be rounded and all however it's an easily solved thing, just a few tweeks and moving things slightly and here you go:

http://i.imgur.com/jNpYy1e.png

Should be looking more in line with things now. I've known how to photoshop for a bit now (In fact I had a hand to play with some graphics for the Liber Cluster which feels like years ago now. Am I starting to show my age? ) but it's just learning to tweek things more and give it a more polished look and sometimes that needs a second eye. Either way your feedback is greatly appreciated brother.

[Olis]

Well, for some of it, it was years ago...

But yeah, it does look better.

[Legionare]

Your IA was enjoyable to read, i specially liked the recruiting world and they way you've fleshed it out. But i have a few questions.

 

1. You say that the penitent have failed in their duties, what does this mean? Have they failed in battle or something like that?

 

2. What are the rumours about them being Iron Hand geneseed based on? It seems currently little underdeveloped since its only mentioned shortly in the geneseed part. Are you going to flesh that one out more?

[Dizzyeye01]

Thanks for the feedback Legionare, as for your questions:

 

 

1. You say that the penitent have failed in their duties, what does this mean? Have they failed in battle or something like that?

2. What are the rumours about them being Iron Hand geneseed based on? It seems currently little underdeveloped since its only mentioned shortly in the geneseed part. Are you going to flesh that one out more?

 

1. To put it simply, yes. To give you some details, they are marines that feel like they have failed to uphold their duty in some fashion. They aren't so much a unit in the battlefield (As the Penitent still fight within the squads they were assigned to) however it is more that when they are not on the battlefield is when they gather together and try to better themselves. To even be a member of the Penitent the space marine in question will go to a Warden and submit his claim, telling him why he feels like he should serve time in it. The Warden then decides whether or not joining the Penitent would help the marine get past his problems or whether he is taking the wrong approach. There is cases where the marine doesn't have to step forward to be considered part of them depending on the case however it is a common thing for some marines to feel like they need to join it to redeem themselves in their own eyes or of their brothers. I'll be sure to clarify this in a sidebar within the Organisation section.

 

2. The rumours are based on their beliefs and how they act which I will be going into detail with in the belief section. For the Knights, weakness is something they try to overcome with every second of their lives and to allow yourself to give into it is a big crime in their eyes. In short, the Knights' beliefs will be a mixture of the Dark Angels with their shame and the Iron Hands for how they perceive weakness. They won't go as far as shoving a hand in lava to get it replaced with a bionic as the Iron Hands have done. If anything, the chapter isn't the biggest fans of the Iron Hands for in their eyes they're not trying to overcome their weaknesses and loop around it While the Iron Hands would replace their flesh with iron, the Knights Penitent would only do so as a last resort (eg if a hand was cut off in battle) and try to be the strongest they could be.

 

That's the main ideas I have at least. For now though, I'll continue to keep fleshing out parts of the IA till it is complete or go back to make adjustments. Thanks again for the feedback and questions :)

[Boldthreat]

I am intrigued by the Penitent and their purpose.  What is the end goal with them in regards to your Chapter?  They stay in their squads.  It doesn't appear that it changes them operationally or even effects the organization of the Chapter.  

 

Is this more fluff oriented like the Imperial Fists and the Pain Glove?  

 

Is this an assignment or punishment that a Brother Marine can move on from?  If yes, are they able to then rise in the Chapters ranks or forever limited in that regard?  

 

How does a Brother overcome his failures?  Is that determined by the Wardens or some span of time or deed?  I ask because its not like the Death Company (a death sentence) or a Penitent Crusade (a death sentence with at least a chance of survival and redemption) because they are still with their original squad.  At least that is how I read it.  Maybe this just needs clarified more for me.

 

I know you stated that you will clarify this in a sidebar.  I like most of what you have here and I actually like the idea of the Penitent I just want to understand it more.  I need to read more of why and how its a form of punishment and what its ramifications are.

 

The last think I want to pick your brain about is your Heraldry and Chapter Badge.  Is there a history here?  You seem to have put some thought into this and I absolutely LOVE reading about why DIY people choose the colors and symbols of their Chapters.  No critique here... im just genuinely interested.

[Dizzyeye01]

Thanks for your response Boldthreat. As for your questions:

 

 

 

I am intrigued by the Penitent and their purpose.  What is the end goal with them in regards to your Chapter?  They stay in their squads.  It doesn't appear that it changes them operationally or even effects the organization of the Chapter. 

 

It isn't so much a sub group within the chapter that has a presence on the battlefield, it's a name to give the space marines who have one way or another failed in their duties and are seeking to redeem and improve themselves as a space marine in general. That's the end goal of going into the Penitent

 

 

 

Is this more fluff oriented like the Imperial Fists and the Pain Glove? 

 

In essence, yes. The process though can range from having pain inflicted onto them to other measures.

 

 

 

Is this an assignment or punishment that a Brother Marine can move on from?  If yes, are they able to then rise in the Chapters ranks or forever limited in that regard? 

 

Space marines can move on from being part of the Penitent and still climb up the ranks. If anything, it is meant as a test to make the space marine overcome a barrier that they've either created themselves in mind  (Such as not forgiving themselves for letting a brother die even though they couldn't do anything) or to improve their personality to make them more patient and such.

 

 

 

How does a Brother overcome his failures?  Is that determined by the Wardens or some span of time or deed?  I ask because its not like the Death Company (a death sentence) or a Penitent Crusade (a death sentence with at least a chance of survival and redemption) because they are still with their original squad.  At least that is how I read it.  Maybe this just needs clarified more for me.

How does a Brother overcome his failures?  Is that determined by the Wardens or some span of time or deed?  I ask because its not like the Death Company (a death sentence) or a Penitent Crusade (a death sentence with at least a chance of survival and redemption) because they are still with their original squad.  At least that is how I read it.  Maybe this just needs clarified more for me.

[Badass_Spaz]

For a moment there I thought you were aiming towards a more Repentia approach. Not outright self-sacrfice, suicidal inclined but similar in respect to the Sororitas Repentia. Besides that and what's already been posted, I'm not exactly sure what to advise. Perhaps your Knights could get their mitts on century old star charts listing worlds formerly contested or simply lost. Lots of chaotic influence involved there. Otherwise, I'd suggest a more supernatural approach, possibly seeking out area's similar to the Malestrom or the Eye of Terror. You could suplex xeno's on your travels while deliberately following trails of suspected or confirmed heretics.

Again, food for thought to help emphasize the heretic hunting.

[Dizzyeye01]

Thanks for your response Badass. After reading over what a Repentia, I can see why you're drawing similarities between them and the Penitent. They are close in that they are seeking redemption however the Penitent aren't trying to sacrifice themselves in the name of the Emperor. They both do want to face their inner demons and best them and a chaplain (Or in the case of the Repentia Mistress of Repetance) watches over them however there are differences as mentioned before. To me that's a good thing since I'd rather not have something be a copy and paste of something else in the world and the Penitent seem like a more rational version since the chapter isn't as strong in spirit as a sister of battle may be but they still understand the importance of failure and such.

 

As for the idea of them delving into unknown territory searching for heretics and such, that could actually work. The Knights are sent to help discover and deal with threats in an unknown sector/ cluster along with provide assistance to Mechanicus explorers fleets heading in and the Imperium of general with stabilising the sector and killing anyone who'll oppose them. By the time of the M41, the place has been in a take of constant flux with drives being made by the Knights to hold the area with the Sisters of Battle helping solidify the worlds and spirits of the people and pirates and such pushing back. Thanks for the suggestion Badass, I think I've struck gold with your suggestion.

[Dizzyeye01]

So, recently over the last few days I've been adding to the main article and expanding mostly into the Organisation and Origins of the chapter. Origins is still a WIP however though I feel like with Organisation it's in a good enough position where I feel like I've covered everything so I'll be moving on from that. Along with this, I've got a sidebar created which should give enough details to give a good idea of what the [blank] Cluster is though I'm still thinking of a name to call the place. I'll take any suggestions for that. Apart from that, I'm also gonna begin writing up parts for the homeworld and recruitment to develop them more and then I'll go on form there. Hopefully by the end it should be crystal clear what the Knights' Penitent are like.

 

As usual, any feedback is greatly appreciated :)

[Bjorn Firewalker]

I like the Chapter colors.

[NovemberIX]

So this is more a question about Sidereus. In what way does it being a former penal colony effect the chapter? Are there traces of that prison culture that have influenced the chapter and it's need for penitence? It seems like there could be some cultural touchstones that could be explored there.

[Doctor Perils]

Hi Dizzyeye, it's time for the inspection ;) I've pretty much only looked at the OP and haven't looked at previous comments (in my mind the OP should contain all the information needed), so I may not be aware of more recent changes. As always, my goal is to provide constructive criticism and by no means to offend. I'll be giving a list written in chronological order of the remarks I make while reading the article (so don't be surprised if I ask a question which would logically be answered later in the article - if so, you should probably consider placing the answer earlier in the article :) )

 

1. I like to see an introduction for a DIY at the beginning of the article, written from an in-universe point of view, to give an initial concept of what the DIY is about (whereas the Foreword adds info from an out-of-universe perspective) - as such, the introduction would be written in normal text font, but the foreword should be written in a distinctive fonttype (eg italics)
2. Give a line about known tactics in the summary (where you have the founding, homeworld info etc.) I'd also recommend against implying that they are of a mixed geneseed - instead, indicate that rumours imply that they are of one or the other (the reader will understand that as meaning of mixed geneseed anyway), or better still, choose one of the two only.
3. Having the colour scheme right at the beginning is good - nonetheless, add a line to the summary giving the primary colours in a text format (it is difficult to see metalics in a computer picture)
4. What segmentum are they seen in first?
5. You mention the earliest recordings of the chapter twice (once when they are fighting in the Age of Apostasy, once in link with the reforging) - If I were you, I'd create a sentence linking the two events together
6. "Inquisitorial Lackeys" Space Marine chapter is a bit of a trope round these parts it seems - despite Inquisitors having technical authority over Space Marine chapters to some extent, I believe it would be better to dissociate them to some extent - even the Red Hunters are mentionned as having "ties with the Inquisition" rather then being completely submitted to them. (I am not saying that you should change the entire theme of the chapter - however, I'd reduce how strongly worded it is, if you see what I mean :) )
7. "Disillusions" should be "Delusions" in this context I believe.
8. When you mention how the first and 10th companies are spread out with the other companies, it sounds like this is particular to the chapter; however, that is standard practics for the Codex Astartes, so I'd have a second look at the wording there :)
9. I don't believe the description of the chapter's heraldry should be placed in the organisation section - instead, separate it off into a new section
10. Don't be afraid to create "sub-sections", like "general organisation" and "specialists" (or even "reclusiam" and "librarius"), it will improve legibility
11. How many Wardens are there (in general terms) and why are there more of them? ie, was there an event in the chapter's history that led them to create more Chaplains?
12. "in your average chapter" doesn't sound right, simply say that there are even fewer then in "other" chapters
13. "It is not uncommon to see librarians paired together." would be better
14. Librarians in other chapters are also formidable fighters, which it seems you contradict in the article
15. What is the relation between the chapter and its homeworld? Do they rule it as overlords? Do the Knights Penitent have a particularly violent and scrappy mindset bred by the homeworld's unforgiving nature?

[Daimyo-Phaeron Lenoch]

Cartographers concept is interesting. Will this be represented on the models (like little maps perhaps?)

 

it would be a fool to ignore their advice entirely.

This may be a grammatical error, or at least doesn't make sense when said aloud, though the point gets across. I'm not sure if it's a grammar error, you may want to run it through word to be sure. Maybe change to 'one would have to be a fool to ignore their advice entirely' or something like that.

 

With your Librarians I assume you would run them with self-buff powers as opposed to squad buffs? Also, I like the 'who watches the watchers? The watchers themselves.' bit.

 

The last bit about gene-seed is unfinished, and could use a bit of cleanup.

 

...due to perserved weakness in themselves though both chapters' don't claim to be th

Also, I think when you say 'perserved' you mean 'perceived.'

 

Overall, the Wardens and the lava-fire planet are the most interesting things I see here. Other than spelling and grammar, I think you have a solid IA here, Dizzyeye.

 

I do apologize for being so late though-barely a day left!

[TheBlindPrimarch]

The only critique I would put forward is that your IA needs proof-reading, other than that I like the idea of a Chapter that uses what accounts to counselling in the grim dark of 40K as a way to help their brothers grow. 

 

It's not much in the way of C&Cs but there you have it, plus there's no point in repeating any of the quality points others have made already.

 

Best of luck in the Gauntlet!

[Brother Argent]

Okay so just a few comments and ideas from my read through your article:

 

Firstly, I love that you have gone to the effort of Photo-shopping the marine image to look less like generic marine and a bit more unique.

 

Secondly, I love a penitent Chapter as obvious by the fact I have had hundred of them that have never really got very far off the ground.  I actually see a fair few similarities with these guys and my current Iron Heralds (Chains et al.)

 

So a few suggestions for you to disregard as you see fit:

 

I think that, unless they are going to hunt the Fallen or make their reasons for not steer well clear of the Dark Angels and their successors.  Non Fallen hunting Dark Angel successors are somewhat done to death and I just think for what you are trying to accomplish it doesn't add anything.  If anything it takes away from the idea.  I personally would recommend either Ultramarine gene-seed because it gives you an almost blank slate to work from or more likely Imperial Fist gene-seed.  As it is scions of Dorn seem to have a inherited sense of guilt and need to atone that could help your guys here.  Indeed a lot of your Chapter's ideas could very easily work with a Fist successor.  Of course then you have to work a way to make them more unique which leads me to my second idea

 

Instead of making them buddies with the Inquisition which, as pointed out is quite cliche these days, perhaps have them as seeing themselves as a more Emperor conceived version.  Perhaps the reforging was when the Inquisition judged them as having done something wrong and sent them on crusade as you suggested.  But the whole time they are determined they were right and, upon their return, have decided that they themselves will act in a similar role.  Doing much the same as the Dark Angels of rooting out secret nests of traitors etc they become judge, jury and executioner of heretics everywhere.  The Inquisition rolls with it as they think they have learned their lessons but in actual fact the Chapter is acting as an Inquisition in their own right and, if anything, undermining the Inquisitions Authority.

 

I hope that makes sense and I look forward to seeing where you go with this.  Maybe the Iron Heralds and the Knights Penitent could feature fighting alongside each other at some stage...

[bloodhound23]

I love the color scheme but agree with SP. Maybe having them cozy up less with the Inquisition would be an interesting route. I tend towards thinking of conflicts among as being the most interesting way to develop fluff in the universe, but I realize that is part of my bias. 

 

Maybe that's one way to develop their particular brand of asceticism, but if not, I do like taking up the theme of asceticism generally among Astartes, particular in a way that isn't the traditional IF version.