[Iron Gauntlet 2017] Brass Phantoms (Updated 2017/05/01)

[Draakur]

Ok, so is it me or have these guys very much changed tunes? They're not complete psychos hooked on brutality so much now, yes? Or is that still in there.

[Badass_Spaz]

I've reserved it to the chem abusing Assault Marine Sargent's... However, that entirely depends, have you paid your tithes recently?

Whole things under overhaul right now and I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing. Idea's just kinda pop into my head and I jot them down.

[Badass_Spaz]

Double post but who cares?

So, I joined this competition hoping to get help building an Astarte's Chapter... So far, it's been tear down, rebuild, tear down, rebuild, and again, tear down, rebuild.

I'm going to throw out a bunch of random idea's I've been plotting while imitating Mr. Burns. No replies or objections, it's going in. At this point, I'm going to start cramming utter non-sense into a big mud ball and hope something happens. Say nothing does happen, at least I had fun.

- Overactive Betchers gland melts Astarte's teeth leading to chrome-like dentures throughout the Chapter.
- After a bad run-in with Alpha Legion Head Hunters, the Chapter successfully implements strategy used against them, thus, Seeker Squads are created.
- Drum Magazines are standard among the Chapter but not carried on mass. After Drum is expended, standard clips are used.
- No home world, current Marines are a collection of former Hive gangs.
- Recruitment is done through examining accumulated slaves/serf children during Crusade. Those genetically capable are inducted as Neophytes.
- Excessive recruitment has lead to next generation Astarte's exhibiting peculiar mental instabilities.
- Sociopath Traits: Accepting a surrender after promising to spare lives but kills them anyway, shooting opponents during honor duels, and wearing other chapter colors/heraldry.
- Take no guff: Will backhand non-Astarte's, especially mutants, if questioning a ranking Astarte's strategum. (The idea of humbling that frothing Commissariat is too funny.)
- Conquest/Crusade driven Chapter in the Segmentum Pacificus, crusades beyond the Astronomicon for decade long campaigns. (Sounds neat?)
- Chapter MO before entering enemy controlled space is masquerading as pirates, raiding supply lines. Eventually bribe local pirates and mercenaries, use said pirates and mercenaries until they're no longer required and murder them in cold blood. Let worlds starve and/or consume themselves in inner political turmoil. Either escort a relief portraying themselves as saviors, or, force a conditional surrender... Which executions and propaganda follows up, pinning the planets eventual downfall on some patsy. In conclusion, the Imperials look like the saviors but still remain absolute bastards!
- Highly Aggressive Chapter with a specialty in Devastator/Destroyer Squads.
- Naturally studious, ruthlessness aside, leading to an influx in Apothecaries.
- Mechanically Inclines: Influx in Tech-Marines.
- Fewer tactical squads.

Annnnd that's all I got for now, folks. I'll give it a couple days before I cram this mess together and hope something decent appears.

[LancsHotpot90]

Well what you've got there is definitely the makings of an interesting chapter.

 

Looking forward to what comes of it

[bloodhound23]

Hey Spaz-

 

I've copied your collection of ideas and I'll put some of my comments next to them. Please don't take any offense- I'm just shooting from the hip here.

 

- Overactive Betchers gland melts Astarte's teeth leading to chrome-like dentures throughout the Chapter. (Overly constraining. Could explain from Hive Gange lineage instead)

- After a bad run-in with Alpha Legion Head Hunters, the Chapter successfully implements strategy used against them, thus, Seeker Squads are created. (Probably wouldn't stoop to admitting that heretic tactics are better than Codex Astartes)

- Drum Magazines are standard among the Chapter but not carried on mass. After Drum is expended, standard clips are used. (Don't need to be standardized, can just be a preference/economics POV, which is less constraining for modelling purposes)
- No home world, current Marines are a collection of former Hive gangs. (Stick with this and get as much work out of it as you can. I like this a lot.)
- Recruitment is done through examining accumulated slaves/serf children during Crusade. Those genetically capable are inducted as Neophytes. (Can get a lot of different traits that accumulate over time from difference worlds. Push and pull with specifics and then add time intervals to taste, and voila, you can explain a trait)
- Excessive recruitment has lead to next generation Astarte's exhibiting peculiar mental instabilities. (Works well with ragtag/Hive Ganger aspirant condition)
- Sociopath Traits: Accepting a surrender after promising to spare lives but kills them anyway, shooting opponents during honor duels, and wearing other chapter colors/heraldry. (Trust is a big deal among Astartes, I think it might be important to think about just how self-serving they can be and what the minimum level of sociopathy required is to have an actual unit. For realism's sake!)
- Take no guff: Will backhand non-Astarte's, especially mutants, if questioning a ranking Astarte's strategum. (The idea of humbling that frothing Commissariat is too funny.) (They'll probably just kill the mutant instead, and from what I know of the books, there aren't a whole lot of Commissars who would dare speak up, so it's likely not something to emphasize with these particular examples, though I like the idea in general)
- Conquest/Crusade driven Chapter in the Segmentum Pacificus, crusades beyond the Astronomicon for decade long campaigns. (Sounds neat?) (Yes, but risky.)
- Chapter MO before entering enemy controlled space is masquerading as pirates, raiding supply lines. Eventually bribe local pirates and mercenaries, use said pirates and mercenaries until they're no longer required and murder them in cold blood. Let worlds starve and/or consume themselves in inner political turmoil. Either escort a relief portraying themselves as saviors, or, force a conditional surrender... Which executions and propaganda follows up, pinning the planets eventual downfall on some patsy. In conclusion, the Imperials look like the saviors but still remain absolute bastards! (I get Night Lords/Alpha Legion vibes here, which I like.)
- Highly Aggressive Chapter with a specialty in Devastator/Destroyer Squads. (How official/unnofficial are these? Just different loadouts? Or do they replace certain squads in certain companies of a codex detachment?)
- Naturally studious, ruthlessness aside, leading to an influx in Apothecaries. (You could also explain this by the high rate of attrition from being a crusading chapter made up of Hive kids)
- Mechanically Inclines: Influx in Tech-Marines. (Same as above)
- Fewer tactical squads. (Maybe that answers my question from two above)

 

I like this brainstorm overall.

 

Just personally, I would enjoy seeing you develop the Hive theme to something that is just a little sneakier at how they buck Codex standards. Also, something to keep in mind, as someone else mentioned: once you do get started, it pays at the end to think about your audience, what they would know, and how they might come to know it.

 

All that to say, I look forward to seeing more. I hope you're not discouraged from having to start from scratch, because that's not exactly true. You have eliminated ideas that you know won't work, which is a good thing.

 

Cheers, keep it up!

[Dizzyeye01]

Double post but who cares?

 

So, I joined this competition hoping to get help building an Astarte's Chapter... So far, it's been tear down, rebuild, tear down, rebuild, and again, tear down, rebuild.

 

I'm going to throw out a bunch of random idea's I've been plotting while imitating Mr. Burns. No replies or objections, it's going in. At this point, I'm going to start cramming utter non-sense into a big mud ball and hope something happens. Say nothing does happen, at least I had fun.

 

- Overactive Betchers gland melts Astarte's teeth leading to chrome-like dentures throughout the Chapter.

- After a bad run-in with Alpha Legion Head Hunters, the Chapter successfully implements strategy used against them, thus, Seeker Squads are created.

- Drum Magazines are standard among the Chapter but not carried on mass. After Drum is expended, standard clips are used.

- No home world, current Marines are a collection of former Hive gangs.

- Recruitment is done through examining accumulated slaves/serf children during Crusade. Those genetically capable are inducted as Neophytes.

- Excessive recruitment has lead to next generation Astarte's exhibiting peculiar mental instabilities.

- Sociopath Traits: Accepting a surrender after promising to spare lives but kills them anyway, shooting opponents during honor duels, and wearing other chapter colors/heraldry.

- Take no guff: Will backhand non-Astarte's, especially mutants, if questioning a ranking Astarte's strategum. (The idea of humbling that frothing Commissariat is too funny.)

- Conquest/Crusade driven Chapter in the Segmentum Pacificus, crusades beyond the Astronomicon for decade long campaigns. (Sounds neat?)

- Chapter MO before entering enemy controlled space is masquerading as pirates, raiding supply lines. Eventually bribe local pirates and mercenaries, use said pirates and mercenaries until they're no longer required and murder them in cold blood. Let worlds starve and/or consume themselves in inner political turmoil. Either escort a relief portraying themselves as saviors, or, force a conditional surrender... Which executions and propaganda follows up, pinning the planets eventual downfall on some patsy. In conclusion, the Imperials look like the saviors but still remain absolute bastards!

- Highly Aggressive Chapter with a specialty in Devastator/Destroyer Squads.

- Naturally studious, ruthlessness aside, leading to an influx in Apothecaries.

- Mechanically Inclines: Influx in Tech-Marines.

- Fewer tactical squads.

 

Annnnd that's all I got for now, folks. I'll give it a couple days before I cram this mess together and hope something decent appears.

 

1. What does having the Astartes melting their own teeth do to affect the chapters' identity?

2. How are these Seeker Squads different from your average Sternguard Squad?

3. See Point 1

4. Where did these gangs come from?

5. This seems to class with the gangs you mentioned earlier, are potential recruits drawn from planets they've fought on and drawn into these gangs?

6. How does this happen? Is it because they accelerate indoctrination into the chapters' belief or something else?

7. What advantage do they gain from wearing other chapter colours? The Alpha Legion did it a lot in the days of the Great Crusade but it was very different days where a legion was more likely to be known about across the galaxy unlike in the present where there are so many chapters' spread around a imperial guard is lucky to see a space marine once in his life.

8. So they're just cold merciless space marines? The step up would be just killing the mutants on the spot but it isn't something that would be greatly appreciated.

9. Is this what the High Lords tasked the chapter to do? To hunt enemies before they reached the Imperium or something else?

10. What does the chapter have to bribe the pirates and such? Also the Inquisition wouldn't be too happy about hearing this if it was to ever get out. What would even get them to doing these kind of tactics to begin with?

11. What's the difference between a Destroyer Squad and a Devastator Squad? Does the Destroyers' act like the Ashen Circle the Word Bearers' had which tore a civilization down to the ground and leave no remains?

12 & 13. I would go one way or the other or if you're just wanting to limit the Librarian presence then just have there be a lesser chance of psyker-recruits

14. See Point 1.

 

 

One thing to remember is that the Codex Astartes was made to have the chapter be flexible unlike the Legionaire Astartes where it was more like a hammer which had it's weaknesses. You don't have to differentiate from the Codex for your chapter to be unique.

[Badass_Spaz]

Hey everyone, the move has been making life a little hectic and internet access is still in between. I have made extensive updates but alas, they'll be another few days before being posted. Still, I appreciate the little brain storm Dizzyeye and bloodhound23. Both of you have reimagined my Chapter... Again.

Give me another week, at most, and it'll be posted.

[Badass_Spaz]

- Deleted -

[Badass_Spaz]

Massive update made... Not sure anyone is interested, however, that doesn't mean I'm not having oodles of fun with this.

Also, sorry for not catching up with other threads buuuut life has a nasty tendency to absorb all ones attention... That and procrastination.

Soon, whenever my next day off on this endless stretch of days I shall get back to everyone!

 

[Minigiant]

Great IA, I enjoy reading your writing. My only advice I can give you is presentation. Maybe use some of the templates available, or steal my Template. Drop down boxes I feel do not do the IA Justice. As well as providing some graphics. All of this will easily enhance your writing abilities

[NovemberIX]

I apologize if this comes off as rude, but I'd like to make one mechanical suggestion regarding your writing. I've read through the drop downs and there's one really common thing going on. It's really really heavy. For lack of a better phrase. It feels like every.single.word. must carry a great deal of narrative weight, and it doesn't give the reader a chance to breath.

 

As has been suggested, putting the Brass Phantoms in IA form may help solidify any undetermined details and allow it all to congeal. Some details are better left for long form fiction, some are better used informatively in the IA format, using the IA format will help decide which those are. I do hope this helps, and I look forward to seeing how it comes together.

[Badass_Spaz]

You've got a good point there, my good man. A lot of what's written was random writing and another attempt at getting my IA together. What's there now might not be put into the index, which is nearly done. I honestly don't know what the bulk of that is... Storied summaries that were fun to write, I suppose.

Surprisingly enough, the IA is almost done. Need to do a massive overhaul on grammatical errors but it's coming along smoothly. Give me a few more days and it'll be done and posted.

And I think I'm trying to say too much in too short a time span... Yea, sounds about right.
 

Do you have any advice as to how I might correct it? I'm down for any kind of criticism.

[NovemberIX]

Well, let's start with the immortal words of Colin Chapman, "Add lightness and simplify", now of course he was talking about race cars, but the intent is the same. It's a matter of streamlining down to the most salient details, then flavoring it with bits of background (if you'll forgive the mixed metaphors). The idea is to take what you've written and pare it back as opposed to taking what's written and filling in space (not saying you've done that at all, but it's sorta how this was explained to me) my first draft of my IA was over 8000 words, I was able to cut down to around 3100.

 

Now we could go into the mechanics of cadence and how mixing long and short sentences can create pace for your reader. But, that's more a lesson from a better writer than I. There is one thing I'd suggest, and this is kinda for all of us doing this challenge, let's balance the purple prose that naturally comes to us because of the setting with more straight forward phrases as well. It's incredibly easy to use a few too many adjectives and clever turns of phrase, it can add a beautiful narrative weight, but it is best used sparingly, lest we start sounding like a Victorian era bodice ripper ;) (btw, that's part of how I was able to steamline so much, I get wordy! :p )