Writing exercise request

[Indefragable]

Hey everyone,

 

I have a request. 

 

Like my painting, I struggle with finishing my works of writing. I get some crazy ideas and run with them...for a while. But then a combination of laziness, the psuedo-ADD, and perfection-paralyzation sets in. 

 

What I have found is that part of the reason I struggle is because my own capabilities will never live up to my own ideals. However, when I have done things for others, my work takes on a whole other sense of urgency and since I can remove "myself" from the work, I don't get paralyzed as much. 

 

The request:

Reply to this post with a topic you would like to see in a short story

 

My actions:

I will reply to the person who's topic is chosen to let them know I will work on that idea

I will have a completed version of x length within y period of time*

 

 

*x and y TBD

 

EDIT: one thing to specify is that this is a writing project and not a research project, so I will not be doing anything too crazy in terms of tracking down specifics on a given Chapter and so forth. I will do my best to be appropriate to a faction as much as possible, but it may not entirely line up with canon. Again, this is meant to be a writing exercise for me and a fun short read for you. 

 

I appreciate your assistance and hopefully this proves as fun for anyone who deigns to participate as it will (hopefully) be for me. 

 

Thank you!

 

-Indy

[Brother Dallo]

How about a bunch of marines on a penitent crusade? Perhaps for some of the Badab chapters, or some of your own choosing. I think it should be an interesting setting as it offers a range of possibilities to consider:

1. Standard fight scenes

2. Unpacking how marines deal with failure, perhaps having strong differences of opinions which could lead to mutinies or the like?

3. Potential for a mortal point of view from crew members, serfs etc.

4. Gives a fluffy opportunity for corruption (slow and subtle perhaps), which can add drama.

5. How crew functions with no resupply. Piracy? Starvation? Risky resupply raids on enemy (or friendly) outposts?

 

...to name a few.

 

Hope this is useful.

 

Dallo

[Indefragable]

How about a bunch of marines on a penitent crusade? Perhaps for some of the Badab chapters, or some of your own choosing. I think it should be an interesting setting as it offers a range of possibilities to consider:

1. Standard fight scenes

2. Unpacking how marines deal with failure, perhaps having strong differences of opinions which could lead to mutinies or the like?

3. Potential for a mortal point of view from crew members, serfs etc.

4. Gives a fluffy opportunity for corruption (slow and subtle perhaps), which can add drama.

5. How crew functions with no resupply. Piracy? Starvation? Risky resupply raids on enemy (or friendly) outposts?

 

...to name a few.

 

Hope this is useful.

 

Dallo

 

Interesting. Anything in particular you would like to see? 

[Olis]

Ideas for you:

 

1) An exiled marine (Chapter denomination can be discussed later) dying on the bridge of a ship he has just saved. This would likely feature either flashbacks or inner dialogue, possibly delving into regret, loss and personal pride.

2) With the crusade grinding to a halt, the high command has a disagreement with the attendant astartes contingent on how to best prosecute the next assault on enemy lines. Lots of possibility for character conflict here, especially if more than one chapter is present.

3) There has been a murder within the Fortress Monastery. Who was it and who is going to investigate? More importantly - does the murderer get away with it? It'll be tough seeing as 40k has genuine psykers...

[Carrack]

1. Relic of the Chapter. This can be anything from an item from your codex relic list, to something as innocuous as a mundane ring, yet it should be something revered by your chapter. What is it? Who found it or crafted it and how did they do so? What significance does it hold? What rituals are associated with it? When is it used and who uses it?

 

2. Return of a lost brother. In the fog of war, when blades clash and orders are adjusted on the fly, a brother gets left behind on a distant battlefield. Years later, perhaps even decades, the long lost brother marches into the fortress monastery, scarred and older, but wth head held high. How did this happen and how did he survive the aftermath of the battle? How did he manage to return? How did his brothers treat him upon return?

 

Another, perhaps slightly heretical option for you would be to check out the Inspirational Friday contest on the the Chaos Marine board. It's a two week writing contest about a topic chosen by Kierdale, its steward, and judged by the previous contest's winner. Currently it's about Hive Wars. http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/topic/329792-inspirational-friday-2017-hive-war-until-414/page-3?do=findComment&comment=4708672

[Brother Dallo]

No concrete ideas really. I didn't want to give you too constrictive a writing brief.

 

Dallo.

[Indefragable]

How about a bunch of marines on a penitent crusade? Perhaps for some of the Badab chapters, or some of your own choosing. I think it should be an interesting setting as it offers a range of possibilities to consider:

1. Standard fight scenes

2. Unpacking how marines deal with failure, perhaps having strong differences of opinions which could lead to mutinies or the like?

3. Potential for a mortal point of view from crew members, serfs etc.

4. Gives a fluffy opportunity for corruption (slow and subtle perhaps), which can add drama.

5. How crew functions with no resupply. Piracy? Starvation? Risky resupply raids on enemy (or friendly) outposts?

...to name a few.

Hope this is useful.

Dallo

Below please find my extract based on your suggestions. This is a very short blurb, meant to be an extract of a longer tale. Much of the point of this exercise is to help me complete things in a timely manner.

Comments, Critiques, and Criticism welcome!

Hidden Content

Any feedback, from 1 sentence to 100 is welcome in any format. But if you feel like putting a little structure to your comments, I would greatly appreciate the following:

1. Did it meet the spirit--if not the letter--of the suggestion you had in mind?

2. Grammar, punctuation, the nitty gritty stuff. Tell it to me straight, doc.

3. Writing quality: descriptions, mental images, pace, characterization, etc...

4. After reading this blurb, what intrigues you the most? Who do you want to know more about? What are you most confused by?

5. On a scale of 1 to abso- -ing-lutely, how interested would you be to see this expanded into a full size short story/etc...?

Hope you enjoy!

Hunger's Oath

“The word of an Astartes is a sacred oath.”

Sgt. Arka locked his helm into place with an audible hiss as the compression seals locked into place. His words quieted the myriad conversations throughout the chamber.

“What good is our word if we are not around to keep it?” replied Sgt Bakka, his voice already the mechanically filtered through his own helm, intimidation tones set to high as usual.

Jepto retrieved the bolt pistol from the deck. Despite two decades of humble servitude to the Chapter he could not help his reactions. Specifically modulated to invoke terror in mortals such as himself, the vox settings were hardly the most deadly wargear carried by the Space Marines. All the same, Jepto thanked the Emperor he at least had not wet himself this time. Being sure to stay out sight Jepto sipped the pistol into its holster on Bakka’s leg and quietly checked that ammo and grenade pouches were securely fastened. The powered armor of the transhuman warrior would prevent such light touch from being noticed, but Jepto wanted his presence to go unnoticed. Be unseen, unheard, and unnoticed. That was the creed of the Chapter Serf.

Arka turned away from the tactical display to face his fellow warriors. They stood loosely gathered in the strategium to receive the final battle benediction before spreading out to the docking collars. Like a canus kept indoors too long, Bakka stood in front of the others, fingers wrapping his power maul. If not for the armor, steam would be rising off his tensed muscles in the cold of the ship’s interior. Cold, low lit, minimal power usage. Every resource had to be stretched. Every resource had to play its part. Even dissenting battle brothers.

“Sgt. Bakka: if you disagree with our chosen course of action, you should have offered an alternative back in the fortum. We—“

“I did disagree” Bakka interrupted. “And I continue to disagree.” His tone would have been malicious enough, but with a vox modulator it rang downright combative. A combat blade rattled on the deck behind Bakka. “Our mission is to hunt the traitor scum, yet you willfully hinder us from that purpose. Every day our nutrient and fuel supplies dwindle and every engagement our munition situation grows worse. It’s not like we left Badab with a full magazine of bolt rounds.”

Arka took two steps forward so that their helms were micros apart, ignoring the serf attempting to sheath a combat blade on Bakka’s belt. “I will not betray our oath to those people down on the surface, no matter whether we have a single bolt round left or an entire Forgeworld’s worth. Just because the enemy raids them for supplies does not mean we should. Especially with this opportunity to take their vessel intact.” The other dozen-plus Astartes remained unflinching. They were exceptionally well disciplined, even by Astartes standards. Disciplined? Or waiting to back the victor? Arka could not tell anymore. This hunter-and-hunted game was wearing on all of them. “Besides,” he continued, “this is a standard boarding operation against a known foe. An Astarte foe, no less, but it will still be the kind of fight we prefer. It will be a simple matter of who’s sword arm is stronger. Perhaps that is where you concern arises, Sergeant Bakka?”

Bakka grunted at the challenge. The vox grill made it sound like a thunder boom on the horizon. Jepto barely managed to catch the krak grenade as it slipped from Thoro’s trembling grip. Both servants let out a silent sigh of relief at yet another catastrophe averted. “My concern, Sergeant Arka” Bakka said slowly, pronouncing every syllable of the rank. “…is that your chainsword will rust without the traitors’ blood to oil its teeth. Let’s see which us makes this a simple fight.”

Arka kept his vox grill nearly pressed against Bakka’s for a long moment. The helm kept up the outward appearance of staring his brother Sergeant down while in truth his eyes scanned each of the other warriors in the room. To anyone else they all appeared erect, martial, ready. But to their senior sergeant who had fought beside them for half a century, tell tale signs were apparent. A grip too loose on a melta gun. A blade not fully cleaned from the last encounter. A head turned every so slightly away. A head turned conspicuously inwards to the sergeant’s debate. That last one confirmed it: Fvilk was in Bakka’s camp. He would need watching. His eyes wandered to the only motion in the room as the serfs secured ammo packs here, clamped a boot fastener tight there, checking and rechecking their Space Marine charges. Arka could not help but smile. He rarely noticed them, but at least the menials could be counted on should this fracture continue. He spun away at last from Bakka pacing back to his spot on the raised platform of the primary command throne. Theatrical, perhaps, but that never hurt a battle benediction.

“Brothers,” Arka projected throughout the bridge. “we are one. We are one in purpose, one in action, and one in honor. Too long has this game dragged out with our hated foes. This assault marks the turning of the tide. No longer shall we play this game. From this moment forward, we win the game. We finish what we started all those years ago.” He slowly turned to gaze into the eye lenses of each battle brother in turn. He paused for a moment, deciding it was better to address the issue than try to hide it any longer. “Though we may not always be one in mind, we must be one in our purpose. Honor demands that we slay these traitors, Just as honor demands we. ““I give you my word, brothers: we will slay them all this day.” Jepto moved beside each serf, showing them where to seal the oaths of moment to each warrior’s preferred patch of armor.

“Will you hold me accountable to my word? Will each of you give your word that you will not rest until every Throne-forsaken one of them lies still upon the deck?”

“FEROS!” the Space Marines shouted as one, the cold thin air magnifying the battlecry.

Arka nodded as he swept his arms out wide, chainsword in one hand, combat blade in the other. “The word has been given and logged in our Chapter’s annals. For always remember, brothers,” Arka brought his arms back in, crossing them over his chest.

“…the word of an Astartes is a sacred oath.”

[Brother Dallo]

I'd completely forgotten about this. Guessing you didn't. :p

 

I'm flattered that you actually ran with my idea.

 

I'm just going to write comments down as I think of them, so i hope this is useful.

 

Firstly, I really like the first sentence. It's a good start, as it immediately grabs the readers' attention.

 

Typo here: his voice already the mechanically filtered

Line 4

I like the concept of Astartes helms having intimidation settings on their voxes. That is a suggestion I've never come across before, but it's completely in keeping with fluff, IMO.

 

Why would a marine leave his bolt pistol on the floor? Surely any Serf who did that would be harshly disciplined for disrespecting the machine spirit/chapter etc.?

 

Missing word.

would prevent such a light touch

 

I'd add commas here. Esentially a rule of thumb is, if you'd pause to speak it out loud, add a comma.

Despite two decades of humble servitude to the Chapter, he could not help his reactions

 “What good is our word, if we are not around to keep it?” 

he, at least, had not wet himself this time

 Being sure to stay out sight, Jepto

 

I get what you were trying to convey here, but the language feels a little clunky. Perhaps say "wrapping around the haft of his power haul" instead?

fingers wrapping his power maul.

 

If not for the armor

Here, perhaps say "his" armour instead of "the". Though that's down to personal preference.

 

If the chill is enough to make steam from a marine's muscles, the human serfs must be suffering too. Maybe reference this before hand when talking about Jepto? Is he prepared in winter gear? Suffering from the cold in his silk Chapter robes? How are the humans coping in general with the conditions. I'd imagine serious rationing is in play. Hungry people tend not to be obedient people.

 

Need an apostrophe here.

Every resource had to play it's part

 

I've never seen a colon used in speech marks before. Perhaps try "Sgt. Bakka. If you..."

 “Sgt. Bakka: if you disagree

 

Needs a comma and a "with", methinks.

dwindle and with every engagement, our munition situation grows worse.

 

Honor demands that we slay these traitors, Just as honor demands we. 

The last part of this sentence doesn't make grammatical sense. Also, you shouldn't follow a comma with a capital letter, since it's not the start of a sentence.

 

I like how you finished with the same sentence you started with, it's an interesting writing technique.

 

I also like what you've done with the serfs quietly picking away at the predators in their midst. It brought to mind images of smaller fish cleaning out the dead flesh from the mouths of sharks. Their sheer mortality is a nice backdrop to the transhuman nature of marines, who by definition, are beyond most mortal concerns. Well done.

 

The nitty-gritty aside, I really like what you've achieved. There's believable tension framed by simple, relatable mortals. I would definitely be eager to hear more. You definitely fulfilled the brief in my eyes. In terms of pacing, I didn't have any issues with it. I'm interested to see the leadership struggle play out.

 

Hope this is useful, as I've just written stuff as I've come across it.

 

Once again, I want to say thank you for writing this. I hope you found it enjoyable, as this is a hobby, after all.

 

Keep up the good work.

 

Dallo

[Indefragable]

I'd completely forgotten about this. Guessing you didn't. :p

 

I'm flattered that you actually ran with my idea.

 

I'm just going to write comments down as I think of them, so i hope this is useful.

 

Firstly, I really like the first sentence. It's a good start, as it immediately grabs the readers' attention.

 

Typo here: his voice already the mechanically filtered

Line 4

I like the concept of Astartes helms having intimidation settings on their voxes. That is a suggestion I've never come across before, but it's completely in keeping with fluff, IMO.

 

Why would a marine leave his bolt pistol on the floor? Surely any Serf who did that would be harshly disciplined for disrespecting the machine spirit/chapter etc.?

 

Missing word.

would prevent such a light touch

 

I'd add commas here. Esentially a rule of thumb is, if you'd pause to speak it out loud, add a comma.

Despite two decades of humble servitude to the Chapter, he could not help his reactions

“What good is our word, if we are not around to keep it?”

he, at least, had not wet himself this time

Being sure to stay out sight, Jepto

 

I get what you were trying to convey here, but the language feels a little clunky. Perhaps say "wrapping around the haft of his power haul" instead?

fingers wrapping his power maul.

 

If not for the armor

Here, perhaps say "his" armour instead of "the". Though that's down to personal preference.

 

If the chill is enough to make steam from a marine's muscles, the human serfs must be suffering too. Maybe reference this before hand when talking about Jepto? Is he prepared in winter gear? Suffering from the cold in his silk Chapter robes? How are the humans coping in general with the conditions. I'd imagine serious rationing is in play. Hungry people tend not to be obedient people.

 

Need an apostrophe here.

Every resource had to play it's part

 

I've never seen a colon used in speech marks before. Perhaps try "Sgt. Bakka. If you..."

“Sgt. Bakka: if you disagree

 

Needs a comma and a "with", methinks.

dwindle and with every engagement, our munition situation grows worse.

 

Honor demands that we slay these traitors, Just as honor demands we.

The last part of this sentence doesn't make grammatical sense. Also, you shouldn't follow a comma with a capital letter, since it's not the start of a sentence.

 

I like how you finished with the same sentence you started with, it's an interesting writing technique.

 

I also like what you've done with the serfs quietly picking away at the predators in their midst. It brought to mind images of smaller fish cleaning out the dead flesh from the mouths of sharks. Their sheer mortality is a nice backdrop to the transhuman nature of marines, who by definition, are beyond most mortal concerns. Well done.

 

The nitty-gritty aside, I really like what you've achieved. There's believable tension framed by simple, relatable mortals. I would definitely be eager to hear more. You definitely fulfilled the brief in my eyes. In terms of pacing, I didn't have any issues with it. I'm interested to see the leadership struggle play out.

 

Hope this is useful, as I've just written stuff as I've come across it.

 

Once again, I want to say thank you for writing this. I hope you found it enjoyable, as this is a hobby, after all.

 

Keep up the good work.

 

Dallo

Dallo:

 

Thanks for he feedback (note the colon, har har)!

 

I will reply with more substance when I'm back at a comp, but for immediateness:

 

1. Thanks for reading and the detailed feedback! The grammar and some basic stuff is going to be off for sure. It's been so long since I've had any formal training that I run in instinct with the , . ! ? : ; " stuff.

 

2. Very interesting how you saw the serfs as small fish nibbling on the predators. That was not what I was trying to convey at all, but I'm grinning now that you mentioned it! My idea was for serfs who are equally awed and terrified by their Astartes masters. Their greatest motivation is to be invisible...and what kind of toll does that take on the human psyche? But beyond that I liked to think of the serfs as the ones that actually run make the world turn. That an Astartes would reach for his bolt pistol in the heat of battle and find an empty holster. Where was it? It had always been there before...and then he realizes just how much he relies on the serfs. He doesn't even remember how to lace* his boots because they always did it for him. The idea that a krak grenade almost took out half the squad because the serf is squared :cuss -less by the box settings. Yet the serfs miraculously save the day out of diligence and quick thinking. But no one will ever know since they are invisible.

Imagine what would happen if there were no serfs left on the ship... <wink wink>

 

I think I tried to emulate Hemingway too much in the hope that single sentences could convey more than their weight class.

 

Thanks again!

 

-Indy

 

*metaphoricially speaking

[Brother Dallo]

My pleasure.

 

Dallo

[Indefragable]

Ideas for you:

 

1) An exiled marine (Chapter denomination can be discussed later) dying on the bridge of a ship he has just saved. This would likely feature either flashbacks or inner dialogue, possibly delving into regret, loss and personal pride.

2) With the crusade grinding to a halt, the high command has a disagreement with the attendant astartes contingent on how to best prosecute the next assault on enemy lines. Lots of possibility for character conflict here, especially if more than one chapter is present.

3) There has been a murder within the Fortress Monastery. Who was it and who is going to investigate? More importantly - does the murderer get away with it? It'll be tough seeing as 40k has genuine psykers...

 

I will have a 500-1000 word extract for you by Saturday 05/06 local time.

[Olis]

I will have a 500-1000 word extract for you by Saturday 05/06 local time.

 

Sounds good. I look forward to it. :)

[Carrack]

I just read Hunger's Oath and wanted to give a little feedback. It was a good read. In my opinion the two things that struck out at me were the tension between Akra and Bakka, and the secondary work that the serfs were doing. How you developed the tension by using the superhuman senses to pick up on cues that mortals wouldn't notice, really drives home just how awesome the Astartes are. These superhuman observations contrasted with their ignoring the serfs scurrying about to make them ready, further shows how much more they are than mortal men, in station as well as ability.

[Indefragable]

I will have a 500-1000 word extract for you by Saturday 05/06 local time.

Sounds good. I look forward to it.

Had some personal things come up unexpectedly, so will get this done in the next few days. Guess I missed that deadline :(