Starting to write my chaos fluff (c&c & help appreciated)

[Demonic95]

Hi all, 

 

with the dawn of 8th edition ive been enjoying the hype surrounding it and how it seems a lot more fun and a lot more balanced :)

 

my army on the battlefield is gonna be a mix of a world eaters detachment and then a heavy poxwalker/typhus death guard detachment.

 

now fluff wise i dont want them to be actual world eaters/death guard, so i was trying to think of the basis of the warband and wondered if this idea was possible :P 

 

my 'death guard' will be basically a handful of plague marines lead by 'Kytias' who is a scientist testing the effects of different bacteria/diseases on populace of worlds, to which he 'controls' (pretty much lets them do their thing) my 'world eaters' who will be a renegade chapter (blood angels succesor maybe) who fell to khorne) 

 

kytias sends the khorne warband down to decimate the armies and then, kytias and his retinue descend to the planet to test the bacteria and hopefully create his plague hosts (poxwalkers) to which he hopes to build an army and lay waste to the imperium.

 

its just would khorne members (pretty much even more crazy death company) actually listen to someone who doesnt follow their beliefs in any remote way, or would they just go with the flow because they get to kill alot of things and dont really care what kytias does in the aftermath 

 

sorry if that writings a bit confusing, just finished an extra long shift and my brain is a bit mushy atm :P 

 

thanks in advance :D 

 

[Conn Eremon]

Nothing stops different gods' cult armies coexisting within a single warband, but it sounds more like it'll just be a Nurgloid force that some might behave like, and use the rules of, Khornates.

[Apostle of the 30th Host]

Hi all, 

 

with the dawn of 8th edition ive been enjoying the hype surrounding it and how it seems a lot more fun and a lot more balanced

 

my army on the battlefield is gonna be a mix of a world eaters detachment and then a heavy poxwalker/typhus death guard detachment.

 

now fluff wise i dont want them to be actual world eaters/death guard, so i was trying to think of the basis of the warband and wondered if this idea was possible

 

my 'death guard' will be basically a handful of plague marines lead by 'Kytias' who is a scientist testing the effects of different bacteria/diseases on populace of worlds...

 

- A good place to start with writing the fluff will be here. Think about the origins of this Nurgle Warband. How they fell to Chaos/Nurgle. Maybe your leader was a Chief Apothecary who resorted to testing diseases/cures on live subjects, desperate to save his Chapter which had been infected with a deadly plague (was the plague even real or an illusion by Nurgle?) and eventually gets a taste for it and dooms the survivors in saving them (if the 'plague' wasn't real to begin with, maybe the cure - containing the real plague based on how modern immunisations work - gave it to them and they corrupted into Plague Marines). That is just a quick idea to start you off but it is a good place to start as it will influence the way your Chapter interacts with others etc.

*To go further and explain the current motivations of the Chapter, maybe the leader of the Warband made a deal with Epidemius - they would test his new plagues for fun and he would tally (good excuse for some Daemon allies too). 

 

...to which he 'controls' (pretty much lets them do their thing) my 'world eaters' who will be a renegade chapter (blood angels succesor maybe) who fell to khorne)...

 

- This is a tough one. I am not sure how easy a Khorne Warband would be to control. Especially if it was unstable. I suppose they could be 'used'/'manipulated' to an extent (think like the Orks in DoW1 - both sides know they will probably betray one another one day, but while they are both serving a purpose together it kind of works). If your leader can point them towards some good fights and let them kill, they will be happy enough to not turn on him.

To get a better idea of what could motivate them to work together you probably need a backstory for the Khorne Warband and their fall too. If you know what caused the fall, you can give them motivations (beyond mindless killing) and so a way in for the Nurgle leader.

*Interesting Dynamic there as there will be a lot of conflict between the two you could explore. It wont be all smiles and handshakes. If they work together it will be tenuous at best.

- An interesting option, as Marks don't really exist at present (as in they don't do anything anyway), is that you could count Khorne Berzerkers as the Nurgle leaders 'test subjects'. Maybe he has created a new toxin that causes extremely heightened aggression and a general mindlessness - if this guy is a ex-Apothecary he will have a good knowledge of what can interact with the gene-seed. It could be a toxin, implant (of a creature carrying the toxin), or various other experiment. The subjects could be captives from various Warbands and Chapters (you could even paint each one in different armour but tie the squad together with a unifying colour and various Nurgle parts). That way they are not really Khorne, so you don't have to worry about how they might interact (or how they are controlled), but use Khorne rules to represent the effects of that particular experiment.

*You could in theory mix in other gods too as various other test subjects as one unified counts-as Nurgle force. I would have no issue with that gameplay wise as it is a really interesting take on things.

 

kytias sends the khorne warband down to decimate the armies and then...

 

- Fluff-wise this could be an issue. My first thought was if they are a Khorne Warband, how exactly is your leader going to get them to stop once the killing starts? Good luck with that! Depending on how Khornate they are, they will fight the armies for you, then proceed to butcher the population (unless this Warband follows the old Khorne fluff of 'noble maniacs' - honour in slaughtering those who fight them (the more equal the better) but refuse to harm the weak as they are considered unworthy of their attention. Even their sacrifice would not please Khorne in the old lore as they were not deserving of his attention. Strength and honour is the key, not mindless slaughter). Who will be left for the Nurgle forces to experiment on? It will be hard to stop them, and may not be worth the hassle.

 

...kytias and his retinue descend to the planet to test the bacteria and hopefully create his plague hosts (poxwalkers) to which he hopes to build an army and lay waste to the imperium.

 

- At least in my mind, I am imagining this guy as some kind of Nazi Scientist type. Defeat the army of a world then round up the civilian population in concentration camps or the like and start to experiment on them to test new diseases and bacteria until something works or they are all dead. This is a pretty interesting theme. I like it.

- The only problem is, as mentioned above, is if this is a Khorne Warband, who will be left to test after?

- Reading Inferno from the HH series, I was reminded of a few passages on of the Son of Horus on Prospero. Whilst the Space Wolves / Custodes / Sisters of Silence were keeping the Thousand Sons busy, the Sons of Horus scoured Prospero in the wake of the fighting. Rounding up the civilian population of entire districts. It is implied that they were tested and any with Psychic potential were kept to be used as rogue Psykers in the Heresy. The rest were just murdered. Perhaps something more on these lines would work with a Khorne Warband (if you didn't want to use the counts-as test subjects idea). Essentially, whilst the Khorne forces are unleashed against the military forces of the planet, the Nurgle aspect are rounding up civilians in secret and conducting tests whilst the defenders are busy elsewhere. You will have less of the population available to test on (those few not close to the fighting or caught up and killed by the Khorne forces), but should be done and cleaned up by the time the world has fallen.

- I personally prefer the idea of them being an army of Astartes test subjects (counts-as Khorne), so easy to control. Then on defeating the enemy a long process of rounding up and experimenting begins. It seems more cruel, and conjures up the Nazi imagery, which is quite fitting for what you're going for. I quite like the idea that the experimenting is more important than the conquest too. This guy doesn't want to kill planets quickly one after the other. He takes months, years even. A short brutal war followed by a lengthy experimenting process where they settle on the planet for some time. This could be why they are only an insignificant Warband in the grand scheme of things - they cant afford to attack major worlds; have to focus on minor ones, out of the way, ones who are unlikely to get timely reinforcements who could interrupt the experiments mid-way through.

 

its just would khorne members (pretty much even more crazy death company) actually listen to someone who doesnt follow their beliefs in any remote way, or would they just go with the flow because they get to kill alot of things and dont really care what kytias does in the aftermath 

 

- As mentioned above, I think this will be a hard one to explain in the context of how you want these guys to work together. Working together would work as long as they benefit. Keep giving them plenty of fights and they are happy. If things run dry they are a serious threat. The style of the Nurgle force may not be compatible with this... Not only is it unlikely that there will be any civilians left once the Khorne forces are finished, the Nurgle force won't have any control over them, and even if they did manage to get some of the population to experiment on the Khorne Warband wont be happy about it if they have to sit about for weeks as these guys do their tests. The relationship relies on keeping a permanent state of war with someone - if the Khorne forces aren't fighting, they fight themselves (bad because they are the Nurgle Force's protection) or you (which is worse).

​- Now this isn't to say it is not possible, you just might need to explore the background of both individually first to piece together how they could end up working together.

 

sorry if that writings a bit confusing, just finished an extra long shift and my brain is a bit mushy atm

 

thanks in advance

 

Generally speaking, this is a really interesting idea with a lot of promise. Does it need a bit of 'fleshing-out'? Yeah, probably, but that's what you're here for and hopefully we can be of help.

 

I have a few ideas on various parts but will add them in to the quote (in italics) just to keep it coherent.

 

Hope something I wrote helps anyway, I tried to stay true to your base idea. Just some thoughts I had though so no worries if it is too much of a departure from what you had in mind.

Edited June 15, 2017 by Apostle of the 30th Host

[Demonic95]

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Edited June 16, 2017 by Demonic95

[Demonic95]

*weird double post thing*

Edited June 16, 2017 by Demonic95

[Demonic95]

First of all, thanks for the replies :) and Apostle ive had to steal a couple of things that you wrote and add them to my big idea chart :P especially the whole zerkers and other legion stuff just being experiments of Kytias' that have gone wrong/right/weird haha and it also helps the command stability problem a hella lot :P Ive started writing a bit and ive decided as like 99.99999999% of his warband will not be from his original chapter its gonna be more like a index article on Kytias haha so this is my very rough first draft of the beggining (my writing process is a nightmare XD ) 

 

 

++Kytias, Creator of a Thousand Plagues++

 

-Origins-

 

Kytias was once an esteemed member and the Chief Apothecary of the 'Emperor's Fists' chapter that was originally created sometime during the 28^th millenium to try and combat the increased amount of Ork and Chaos incursions around the Saerian Sector located within the Segmentum Obscurus. It was a role that the Chapter and their commander Xalin as a whole revelled in due to their extreme fondness of using close quarters combat tactics. The system was host to a massive Ork populace and when the Emperors fists reached the sector, it was a war that would last a lot longer than they expected and a lot more costly.

 

Appointed the Chief Apothecary when the initial force of the chapter was created and dispatched to the Saerian Sector, Kytias loved the heat of battle and the value of his brothers lives were paramount, so even after the Ork population had eventually been purged after the ten year bloodbath across the Sector and their monastery known as the he 'Throne Of Kings' was erected, he spent most of his time in battle, protecting his brothers, which earnt him the upmost respect within most of the companies, he would also be constantly analysing the imperfections of humanity and even the Emperor's creations. Any time that was not spent on the battlefield was spent in his laboratory where he would tirelessly work in secret to find solutions to perfect his brothers in battle, which would later be known to be his undoing.

 

++The Battle of Prisus++

 

A hundred years after the recapturing of the system, the chapter would face their first real test when they received a distress signal from a planet from the neighbouring system. After several failed attempts to try and contact the source of the signal, Xalin commanded that a task force would be dispatched to the planets surface and report back of their findings. Kytias, usually following the chapter master without question showed his displeasment in his plan and noted that it would be more tactical to deploy a full company in case reinforcements were needed as he didn't know what they were going to be dealing with. Xalin dismissed Kytias' suggestion, and sent the task force anyway. When they still had heard no reply after hours Kytias was growing ever more impatient until it was like a burning sensation in his gut until he couldn't take it any longer and demanded that Xalin deploy him and a company to the planets surface to investigate. Xalin denied this request, which Kytias saw as him turning his back on his troops and so secretly gathered up several squads of astartes which owed him several times over from previous encounters and set off to find out what had happened. 

[Apostle of the 30th Host]

First of all, thanks for the replies and Apostle ive had to steal a couple of things that you wrote and add them to my big idea chart especially the whole zerkers and other legion stuff just being experiments of Kytias' that have gone wrong/right/weird haha and it also helps the command stability problem a hella lot Ive started writing a bit and ive decided as like 99.99999999% of his warband will not be from his original chapter its gonna be more like a index article on Kytias haha so this is my very rough first draft of the beggining (my writing process is a nightmare XD ) 

 

 

++Kytias, Creator of a Thousand Plagues++

 

-Origins-

 

Kytias was once an esteemed member and the Chief Apothecary of the 'Emperor's Fists' [imperial Fists Successor?] that was originally created sometime during the​ 28^th [28th Millennium was during the Age of Strife - i.e before the Horus Heresy, Great Crusade or the creation of the Space Marines. 35th-38th Millennium might be a good place to aim for as the Imperium grows, faces new threats and requires more soldiers. This will put them somewhere between the 14th and 24th Founding - giving them plenty of history still, but not one of the major 2nd, 3rd etc. Foundings] millenium to try and combat the increased amount of Ork and Chaos incursions around the Saerian Sector located within the Segmentum Obscurus. It was a role that the Chapter and their commander Xalin as a whole revelled in due to their extreme fondness of using close quarters combat tactics. The system was host to a massive Ork populace and when the Emperors fists reached the sector, it was a war that would last a lot longer than they expected and a lot more costly.

 

Appointed the Chief Apothecary when the initial force of the chapter was created and dispatched to the Saerian Sector [i like this idea; that they were created and immediately put to the test in a major campaign against the Orks]​, Kytias loved the heat of battle and the value of his brothers lives [but more importantly, Gene-Seed: Space Marines are created to fight and die for the Imperium, but the Gene-Seed is the essence of a Chapter and a Chief Apothecary, this is a major priority. If the Chapter suffered horrific losses almost immediately after their creation whilst fighting the Orks, Gene-Seed is going to be a major concern as they may not yet have the stock most Chapters do, being such a new Chapter, so any losses are a big deal, and Gene-Seed recovery very important - combined with his love for battle, I imagine this guy being almost reckless in his commitment to recovering the fallen; getting up close and personal to assist the wounded or recover the Gene-Seed] were paramount, so even after the Ork population had eventually been purged after the ten year bloodbath across the Sector and their monastery known as the he 'Throne Of Kings' was erected [Having cleansed the Sector, I take it they were then given it to keep and defend?], he spent most of his time in battle, protecting his brothers, which earnt him the upmost respect within most of the companies, he would also be constantly analysing the imperfections of humanity and even the Emperor's creations [That right there, is Heresy, and is perhaps a bigger deal in-Universe than it seems saying it out loud. Although we know that many of the Emperor's creations are flawed, any good Ministorum Priest will tell you that 'The Emperor and His works are perfect!'. For what is effectively 'some random Space Marine', especially one from a Chapter which, at least from what you have written, appears to have only existed for a few dozen years, that is quite possibly enough to have the whole Chapter purged if he was caught - I'm not saying don't do it, just to be mindful how you do it. There is a lot to think about here. Mainly, what caused this? I highly doubt, considering the long indoctrination process, that this guy is going to turn up and immediately just decide that the Space Marines aren't good enough so he is going to have a tinker with them. You know what I mean? By the time he starts experimenting, that is about 70% of the way to falling. It needs some build up. My thoughts of a brief timeline leading to this point: 1. Chapter Created; 2. Combat Operations in Saerian Sector, Chapter suffers significantly higher losses than predicted, concern over steady supply of Gene-Seed and new recruits at such an early stage of their history; 3. Gifted the Saerian Sector following its conquest, Chapter tasked with defending the area, 'Throne of Kings' constructed; 4. Chapter starts to recover from its losses, due to a lack of suitable candidates in the Saerian System (due to the Orks killing a lot of the population), they begin 'rounding-up' large swathes of the population of nearby worlds to test candidates for induction - this is generally allowed as they need the manpower and is often voluntary, Chapter reaches agreement with surrounding worlds that they would protect them in exchange for a tithe of 'humans' - most aren't suitable, but are re-established in the system to stimulate population growth; 5. Despite signs of recovery, further Ork invasions stunt the Chapter's recovery; 6. Numerous unknown diseases spread across the System (over several hundred years), the Chapter seems resistant to the effects, but the native, non-Astartes population is hit hard, further jeopardising the Chapter's recovery; 7. Chapter begins to demand an increasingly higher tithe from neighbouring worlds, claim it is due to catastrophic civilian losses but the numbers continue to increase. Kytias, who has grown disgusted with the frailty of 'humans', begins siphoning off more and more of those taken for his own secret experiments, attempting to make them immune to the diseases so that the Chapter can return their focus to more important tasks; 8. Unknown to the rest of the Chapter, Kyrias' experiments continue for years as ever greater quantities of 'Humans' just disappear. Increase demend for tithes causes friction with nearby worlds; 9. Frustrated with a lack of progress, more dangerous methods are employed. Kyrias begins to question the success of the Space Marine creation process as suitable candidates are so hard to find and humans are so frail, Chapter remains under-strength. **You could really leave it here, all this happens over a long period of time and leads up to him questioning the Space Marines but can lead on to further developments. If you want to go further: 10. Kyrias eventually makes a breakthrough, but something goes wrong, creates a new strain of disease that the Astartes are no longer immune to, disease begins to spread through the Chapter and their numbers dwindle; 11. Kyrias is now very concerned for his Chapter, disease is taking its toll, on the Chapter, and although the effects take far far longer to kill a Space Marine, no cure is in sight, fears over the recovery of gene-seed tainted by the disease, stock dwindling; 12. Kyrias has now lost faith in the Space Marines, believes them to be imperfect as they cannot stabilise themselves, begins working on ways to 'improve' the gene-seed to grant immunity to disease and greater resistance to pain and other consequences of war]​. Any time that was not spent on the battlefield was spent in his laboratory where he would tirelessly work in secret to find solutions to perfect his brothers in battle, which would later be known to be his undoing.

 

++The Battle of Prisus++

 

A hundred years after the recapturing of the system, the chapter would face their first real test when they received a distress signal from a planet from the neighbouring system. After several failed attempts to try and contact the source of the signal, Xalin commanded that a task force would be dispatched to the planets surface and report back of their findings. Kytias, usually following the chapter master without question showed his displeasment in his plan and noted that it would be more tactical to deploy a full company in case reinforcements were needed as he didn't know what they were going to be dealing with. Xalin dismissed Kytias' suggestion, and sent the task force anyway. When they still had heard no reply after hours Kytias was growing ever more impatient until it was like a burning sensation in his gut until he couldn't take it any longer and demanded that Xalin deploy him and a company to the planets surface to investigate. Xalin denied this request, which Kytias saw as him turning his back on his troops and so secretly gathered up several squads of astartes which owed him several times over from previous encounters and set off to find out what had happened. 

 

No worries mate :) I am glad some of my thoughts were of use to you. Looking forward to seeing how it progresses now.

 

Reading through your first draft now. As before, I'll put specific comments, if any, in the quote just to make it clearer.

[Demonic95]

thanks again thats gave me alot to think about and take in :P 

 

and yeah it was meant to say 38th millenium XD complete typo there haha 

 

ill get to writing and show you what ive got :) 

[Demonic95]

only got first few paragraphs semi rewritten atm, but this is what i have currently (ill edit it as i add more ) 

 

Kytias was once an esteemed member and the Chief Apothecary of the Emperor's Fists chapter. Created using the Gene-Stocks of the Imperial Fists legion sometime during the 38^th millennium, the chapter was initially created to recapture an area of space known as the Saerian Sector, located within the Segmentum Obscurus that had recently been lost to a series of Ork incursions. When the force reached a sustainable level they were dispatched under the command of their Chapter Master Xalin to retake the system in the name of the Imperium.

 

Kytias spent his time travelling to the sector getting to know the majority of the force on a personal basis and was quickly inspiring to all those around him. He also spent a lot of his time with Xalin discussing battlefield tactics and proved to be just as mindful as Xalin himself. When the force eventually reached the system they would soon discover that the intelligence they had received on the enemy was vastly miscalculated. Initial scans of the capital planet showed small clusters of Orks in various positions on the surface but a heavier concentration of xenos within the planets Capital city known as Erberum, but attempts to contact the planets was being blocked by some form of interference. Xalin gathered his forces and discussed the plan of attack and split the force in half, one team lead by Xalin would take Erberum from the west and a force lead by Kytias himself would sweep in from the east to pick off the enemies that remain and any enemies retreating. With the orders given the troops gathered at their assigned transports and began their descent into the planets surface.

 

-Ill beginnings-

 

Landing in a jungle area on the outskirts of Erberum, Kytias quickly rallied his troops and began pushing forward towards the objective, mowing down several units of smaller Orks on the way to the capital. When his force was about a mile out from the city, Kytias and his battlebrothers could see a sky filled with smoke and the sound of multiple weapons trading fire and the voices of what was uncountable amount of Ork filth. Once the team reached the capital it was a battle that would be a lot more intense than expected and a lot more costly than anyone would have fought.

 

The initial waves of Orks were utterly eradicated upon Kytias' arrival due to the Ork threat being assaulted from both sides with no chance to retreat. After the battle seemed to calm, a couple of dozen survivors emerged from hiding in the rubble at the sight of their saviours and revelled, but happiness would be shortcoming over the months to come.

Edited June 17, 2017 by Demonic95

[Apostle of the 30th Host]

only got first few paragraphs semi rewritten atm, but this is what i have currently (ill edit it as i add more ) 

 

Kytias was once an esteemed member and the Chief Apothecary of the Emperor's Fists chapter. Created using the Gene-Stocks of the Imperial Fists legion sometime during the 38^th millennium, the chapter was initially created to recapture an area of space known as the Saerian Sector, located within the Segmentum Obscurus that had recently been lost to a series of Ork incursions. When the force reached a sustainable level they were dispatched under the command of their Chapter Master Xalin to retake the system in the name of the Imperium.

 

[This first paragraph is well written. I like it]

 

Kytias spent his time travelling to the sector getting to know the majority of the force on a personal basis and was quickly inspiring to all those around him. He also spent a lot of his time with Xalin discussing battlefield tactics and proved to be just as mindful as Xalin himself. When the force eventually reached the system they would soon discover that the intelligence they had received on the enemy was vastly miscalculated. Initial scans of the capital planet showed small clusters of Orks in various positions on the surface but a heavier concentration of xenos within the planets Capital city known as Erberum, but attempts to contact the planets was being blocked by some form of interference. Xalin gathered his forces and discussed the plan of attack and split the force in half, one team lead by Xalin would take Erberum from the west and a force lead by Kytias himself would sweep in from the east to pick off the enemies that remain and any enemies retreating. With the orders given the troops gathered at their assigned transports and began their descent into the planets surface.

 

[Whilst I understand that as a newly created Chapter, the Chapter Master would want to almost prove himself (later Chapter Masters will be picked on merit, but for a brand new Chapter, he may not be much different to any other member) by leading their first combat operations, and obviously your Chief Apothecary is integral to the story as he is your main protagonist, but don't forget about your Captains. A Company Captain(s) is probably more likely to lead the second force than a Chief Apothecary - in terms of rank, the Chief Apothecary would be more important, but outranked in military matters by a Captain - in terms of having Kytias there though, as he has to be of course for the story, perhaps a large number of Apothecaries were present in the early operations to ensure the stability of the gene-seed etc. on their first missions]

 

[Otherwise, this is another decent paragraph that gives you plenty of options later on (i.e. you could go in to more detail on various things like the relationship between Kyrias and Xalin/the rest of the Chapter, their cultural heritage and traits and so on - these are definitely things worth detailing at some point just to really build up the story but that can come into it later once the general timeline is established)]

 

-Ill beginnings-

 

Landing in a jungle area on the outskirts of Erberum, Kytias quickly rallied his troops and began pushing forward towards the objective, mowing down several units of smaller Orks on the way to the capital. When his force was about a mile out from the city, Kytias and his battlebrothers could see a sky filled with smoke and the sound of multiple weapons trading fire and the voices of what was uncountable amount of Ork filth. Once the team reached the capital it was a battle that would be a lot more intense than expected [is there a certain level of arrogance in this Chapter? Or do you mean the intel had said it would be an easy fight and it wasn't? Generally speaking, the Chapter should have had recon forces so even if they were surprised when they got there, they should have known what they were expecting. Are they Codex Compliant? I know this may seem like a trivial point but it does influence combat doctrine and how they might approach this fight] and a lot more costly than anyone would have fought.

 

The initial waves of Orks were utterly eradicated upon Kytias' arrival due to the Ork threat being assaulted from both sides with no chance to retreat. After the battle seemed to calm, a couple of dozen survivors emerged from hiding in the rubble at the sight of their saviours and revelled, but happiness would be shortcoming over the months to come.​ [What is the point in this last sentence? This isn't intended to be rude I should add; I am trying to give constructive feedback to help you develop you ideas and I have to be honest to do that. To get to the point though, unless the survivors are going to have some later significance, I don't think it is important at this stage as it doesn't add anything except more foreshadowing, which you don't want to overdo]

 

[i don't think this part does justice to your earlier work - there is a lot of foreshadowing in the previous paragraph (i.e. 'a lot more intense than expected' / 'more costly') but nothing comes of it. Using the example I mentioned, you make a big point of the cost and intensity, then just skip to the Orks being eradicated. I know there is probably more to come though, but as a result, I would cut the early foreshadowing: let things seem to be going well to begin with. Despite intel mistakes, they have adapted and won significant victories, then it starts to turn against them]

 

This is a decent rewrite; definitely an improvement on the first draft. I added a few bits in again, but a lot of this is just things to consider at a later stage or general literary suggestions; the actual 40k content is good.

 

Don't be disheartened by any comments you get though, there is a lot of improvement. It is part of the writing process and will help you produce something you can be really happy with (which if your anything like me, good fluff is key to sticking with an army) so stick at it - too many projects with amazing potential get scrapped and I really like your concept.

 

As long as you are finding my input useful, I am happy to keep commenting, suggesting and generally helping out throughout the process - I like this sort of thing, so can get just as invested in it as you are if it is working. It is up to you how you want to approach it though: keep writing like this and I'll comment; or put all you ideas, notes and rough work up and just have a conversation about what works and doesn't and how it can all fit together into one long plan to then write the expanded version from.

[Demonic95]

most of my ideas are hand written, but this is the majority of useful stuff i have at the minute hahaha 

 

 

Emperor's Fists

 

Defense and siege specialists

Mostly favor close combat.

Mechanized assaults

Lead by Master Xalin

unending loyalty between the companies

 

 

 

 

Saerian Sector

Erberum – Capital Planet – Hive World, Largest planet in the system (3x earth)

 

Kavian IV – Training World, mainly forest terrain been adapted for combat practice, strong gravity to aid with training

 

Terius Prime – main recruitment world, ice planet, inhabitants are stronger due to endurance of the elements and hunters nature.

 

Zethius – Planetary outpost, on the outer edge of the system, used to scan neighbouring planets/ detect any threats to the system.

 

General Timeline

 

The Emperor's Fist were created

 

Emperor's fist were dispatched to Saerian System.

 

The cleansing of Erberum

 

The rebuilding of the planet commences (began Throne Of Kings construction)

 

the reclamation of the other planets (end of 38^th beginning of 39^th) (construction finished)

 

peaceful stage where everything is looking well.

 

Increased Warpstorm activity around the system is noted.

 

Chaos marines/demons take hold of Zethius and proceed to invade Terius Prime before word reaches the chapter. Heavy losses of civilians and Astartes recorded.

 

Diseases start becoming increasingly common on Terius following the events of the chaos incursion which is then transported throughout the system over the course of several hundred years, diseases do not affect Astartes.

 

Few small battles outside the sector, during this time the population of the planets starts significantly dropping and starts affecting recruitment processes. Marines start taking more civillians to counteract the amount of plague carriers and to replenish companies rapidly falling numbers

 

Kytias begins taking a number of initiates to test upon to try and combat the plague and to try and weaponize it against enemies. Kytias cracks the code of the virus strain and tries to mutate it which results in the disease being able to affect Astartes..

Edited June 18, 2017 by Demonic95

[Apostle of the 30th Host]

most of my ideas are hand written, but this is the majority of useful stuff i have at the minute hahaha 

 

 

Emperor's Fists

 

Defense and siege specialists

Mostly favor close combat.

Mechanized assaults

Lead by Master Xalin

unending loyalty between the companies

 

 

 

 

Saerian Sector

Erberum – Capital Planet – Hive World, Largest planet in the system (3x earth)

 

Kavian IV – Training World, mainly forest terrain been adapted for combat practice, strong gravity to aid with training

 

Terius Prime – main recruitment world, ice planet, inhabitants are stronger due to endurance of the elements and hunters nature.

 

Zethius – Planetary outpost, on the outer edge of the system, used to scan neighbouring planets/ detect any threats to the system.

 

General Timeline

 

The Emperor's Fist were created

 

Emperor's fist were dispatched to Saerian System.

 

The cleansing of Erberum

 

The rebuilding of the planet commences (began Throne Of Kings construction)

 

the reclamation of the other planets (end of 38^th beginning of 39^th) (construction finished)

 

peaceful stage where everything is looking well.

 

Increased Warpstorm activity around the system is noted.

 

Chaos marines/demons take hold of Zethius and proceed to invade Terius Prime before word reaches the chapter. Heavy losses of civilians and Astartes recorded.

 

Diseases start becoming increasingly common on Terius following the events of the chaos incursion which is then transported throughout the system over the course of several hundred years, diseases do not affect Astartes.

 

Few small battles outside the sector, during this time the population of the planets starts significantly dropping and starts affecting recruitment processes. Marines start taking more civillians to counteract the amount of plague carriers and to replenish companies rapidly falling numbers

 

Kytias begins taking a number of initiates to test upon to try and combat the plague and to try and weaponize it against enemies. Kytias cracks the code of the virus strain and tries to mutate it which results in the disease being able to affect Astartes..

 

First off, I just want to apologise for the time it has taken to get back to you. I have been busy the last few weeks. When I have had the time, however, I have been using that information to collate your ideas into a rough guide on the Emperor's Fists. This was mainly for my benefit - to explore the idea so I can better help you. But perhaps you might find the whole thing useful.

I have been very mindful of not changing the key aspects of your work. I don't want to take over. So most of it is just a rewording into something more akin to an Index Astartes article. In effect, it has basically just organised the information a bit. I have also included any thoughts I have had whilst typing it up and made a few suggestions to fill any gaps in the lore. Most importantly, I tried to put together a draft timeline just to see how the Chapter the dates you had in mind could fit around the Chapter's lore. I personally find this really useful as it connects the Chapter history to the universe a little more.

 

 

 

Name: Emperor’s Fists

Founding Chapter / Primarch: Imperial Fists / Rogal Dorn

Founding: Unknown (Early M.38 – Believed to have been the 23^rd ‘Sentinel’ Founding)

Chapter Master: Xalin

Homeworld: Formerly a Fleet Based Chapter; Erberum, as of C. 872 M.38

Fortress-Monastery: Throne of Kings

Colours: Unknown

Specialty: Defence and Siege Warfare; Mechanised Assaults

Strength: Unknown

Battle Cry: Unknown

 

Notes:

- [Founding Chapter] Dorn and the Imperial Fists were renowned for their tenacity, resilience and loyalty. These could be reflected in the Chapter both before and after their fall.

(Tenacity / Resilience are traits also associated with Nurgle. If these were inherent traits in the Chapter, it would be interesting to see how these were corrupted, but remain present in the Warband)

(You have already indicated that loyalty is a key trait within the Chapter, although confined to the Chapter rather than the Imperium as a whole. This shows both similarities to their parent Chapter, but also how they differ)

[On the notion of ‘unending loyalty’ within the Chapter] This is generally the case in Space Marine Chapters anyway. Does this Chapter take it further however? Maybe to the point of friction with other allies?

- i.e. abandoning allies to save other members of the Chapter; preference given to orders from own Chapter – in a conflict involving multiple Space Marine forces, overall command is given to the highest ranking member. Would this loyalty lead to disobeying the orders of the Chapter Master of the Ultramarines in order to do what their Squad Sergeant said?

- [Founding] 23^rd Founding would be ideal and represent the image you have of your Chapter. ‘Sentinel’ Founding created to help defend the Imperium’s many vulnerable fronts, such as how the Emperor’s Fists were tasked with defending the Saerian Sector.

(Exact date of 23^rd Founding is unknown. Makes timelining awkward, however the fluff notes that the details of many Chapters are shrouded – you could therefore explain that the first Imperial Record of the Chapter was when they were dispatched to the Saerian Sector, some years after their founding)

- [Homeworld] If is a bit strange that a Chapter would not have a Homeworld, where its first aspirants were drawn on its founding. Or at least that they would give it up and adopt another one.

(This can be explained as follows: Secrecy of the ‘Sentinel’ Founding means that where the first aspirants were acquired ix unknown; Chapter is believed to have been a fleet based Chapter to give greater mobility in their role of defending the vulnerable fronts of the Imperium prior to the war on Erberum)

- [specialty] Being both defence/siege specialists and favouring close combat is a bit contradictory maybe, as typically those specialisations indicate a favouring of ranged warfare. However…

(This is actually an interesting approach, and seeing how the two interact would be fascinating)

(Just because they are defending a fortification doesn’t mean they are going to hide behind the walls and shoot you. They could be an ‘attack is the best form of defence’ Chapter, meeting the enemy head on using fortifications as a tactical advantage/means of channelling the enemy)

(Equally, just because they are laying siege doesn’t mean they are going to bombard you. Aggressive siege tactics like mechanised assault on a breach/drop pod assault on the city works fine)

(Furthermore, Space Marines are thoroughly trained in ALL methods of war anyway – just because they specialise/favour one style does not mean they would be any worse in other styles)

 

Key Characters:

 

- Chapter Master Xalin

(I would say that he is not the first Chapter Master, just the current one – if the Chapter’s early history is unknown – ‘Sentinel’ Founding – there is likely to have been Chapter Masters before him. Furthermore, this helps with timelining as it is perhaps unlikely that he would be alive from their Founding all the way until the fall)

 

- Chief Apothecary Kyrias

 

Key Places:

 

Saerian Sector

- Located within the Segmentum Obscurus.

- Formerly a border region of  Imperial space, but had recently been lost when the frequent Ork incursions that had long plagued the system grew to such size and frequency it could no longer be contained by the local PDF.

 

Erberum

- Capital Planet of the system.

- Formerly a Hive World.

- Largest planet in the system (3x earth)

 

Kavian IV

- Previously unpopulated due to its dense forests, strong gravity, inhospitable climate and dangerous flora and fauna, making it unsuitable for settlement

- Later converted into a Training World by the Emperor’s Fists.

- Many of the factors that made it unsuitable for settlement, made it an ideal theatre for combat practice/training new recruits.

 

Terius Prime

- Ice World

- Main recruitment world (Orks had wiped out much of the population of Erberum, but had failed to gain a significant foothold on Terius Prime – vast knowledge and experience of the planet were key factors in a successful guerilla war conducted by the native population which kept the planet under Imperial control. Orks had struggled to adapt to the conditions of the planet)

- Not only did the Emperor’s Fists have a greater population to draw new recruits from, but the strength and endurance of the inhabitants were highly valued, leading to Terius Prime becoming the Chapter’s favoured source of new recruits.

 

Zethius

- Dwarf Planet on the outer edge of the system.

- Virtually abandoned except for a small, but heavily defended colony which served as an outpost.

- Strategically important location used to scan neighbouring planets/detect any threats to the system.

- Built by the Emperor’s Fists post occupation.

 

 

Timeline:

 

Early M.38 [Exact Date Unknown] – The Emperor’s Fists are founded during the 23^rd ‘Sentinel’ Founding.

 

857 M.38 – Despite being founded centuries earlier, the first known record of the Emperor's Fists in in 857 M.38, where true to the purpose of the 23^rd Founding, the Chapter was dispatched to the Saerian System, tasked with restoring it to the folds of the Imperium.

 

861 M.38 – Half the Chapter’s fleet arrives in the Saerian Sector. The remainder of the Chapter is known to have been on campaign elsewhere at the time. Imperial records place them in the [insert area of space here] as numerous protests from the Chapter Masters of both the [insert Chapter 1] and [insert Chapter 2] speak of their sudden departure.

*Builds on the ‘unending loyalty’ theme – implied that they received word that the campaign on Erberum was going poorly and left without word to assist.

 

871 M.38 – The Cleansing of Erberum is completed. Records indicate that the Ork presence was far greater than initially anticipated and the campaign was only saved from disaster by the timely arrival of the remainder of the Chapter. This accounts for the significant length of time it took to complete this first stage of the campaign and the significant number of Astartes casualties.

 

872 M.38 – The Emperor’s Fists are rewarded for their efforts with control of the system. Tasked with defending it from future Ork incursion, they begin the rebuilding of Erberum and the construction of their Fortress Monastery, the Throne of Kings commences.

 

876 M.38 – Throne of Kings completed.

 

877 M.38 – Terius Prime reclaimed. Assisted by the natives of the Ice World, the Emperor’s Fists drive the Orks from the planet after a brutal 5-year conquest.

 

878 M.38 – Impressed by the strength and resilience of the population of Terius Prime, Kyrias and his Apothecarion immediately put their new laboratories in the Throne of Kings to use and begin the process of testing suitable candidates for gene-seed implantation. Due to a high proportion of successful candidates, Terius Prime would become the primary recruitment world of the Chapter.

 

878-888 M.38 – Over the next decade, the Emperor’s Fists reclaim the rest of the Saerian Sector. Cleansing the jungles of Kavian IV was particularly costly for the Chapter.

 

888 M.38-??? M.39 – ‘peaceful stage where everything is looking well’

 

[i started the timeline off just to see how it could fit with them being a ‘Sentinel’ Founding Chapter. From this point, you can just pick dates for M.39 onwards]