Advices/criticism needed about a DiY chapter fluff.

[Papy carni]

Hello All !

I'm here today to submit a lore core base of my DiY chapter (aka Rattlesnakes) to your criticism.

Keep in mind that it's just core ideas, the writing and all will help blend things together, but if the core is messed up it won't work.
Also, feel free to correct my english

So basically:

Genese:
Istvaan V in ca. 56006. M31, at the end of the dropsite massacre.
A pot pourri of surviving loyalists of roughly a hundred and a half plus some mechanicus guys and what manage to follow find their way back to space and try to escape on the least usable and damaged spaceship (maybe a troop transport or something civilian) and initiate a warp jump (Yeah, an iron hand guy calculated the probabilities: 99,99% destruction if you stay in the renegade controlled system on a overloaded, damaged,almost unarmed ship vs 83.89% if you try a warp jump). Then it goes wrong.

Nowadays:
ca. 999.M41. Eastern Fringe, Jericho reach sector.
Following the Black crusade and the destruction of cadia, the black reef and the Hadex anomaly makes a brutal expansion creating a giant warp barrier and cuttting in half an already missknown sector (this part is cannon).

The watch station of the cressid death world observe multiple warp eruptions, some of them rejecting hulks and large masses in the "standard" universe. An intermediary sized one is going, flaming and spinning, in the direction of Vathor, a former penal world at the edge of the known sector.
It bend, breaks and all before crash landing on the surface of the planet. 

 

And here start the rattlesnake story. 
 

Now a more point by point part, more a roadbook to be developped:

Rattlesnake:
-Survivors of the crash.
-heresy era material, nothing heavy for the beginning, they fled.
-war council chief (one of each chapter survivors + representants of the other: mechanicus etc...)
- Codex astarwhat ?
-Reasonnable marines: core of raven guard survivors + no supplies + survived not to die now in a last square.

-They got a 10 millenias delay, they don't know much about most recent discoveries like tau, wich might be a pity, as they are neighbours.

Why new chapter ?
-They are dropped on a ground on an almost forgotten part of the imperium only news they got are from the locals (see world part below)
-They are a melt of different legions, combat doctrines and way of thinking and for what they know their former legions might be wipped.
-They need to regroup, create a unity to survive, and adapt as theirs forces are depleting in front of the new threats they're facing.

Chapter name ?
- A natural predator they encounter wich is sneaky, scaly and cold minded. fine for everyone (I already have some stories ideas to develop this)

World ?
- Vathor: a former penal world where prisonners were dropped by one way pods, but drops didn't happens for quite some time now.
-Large world so it don't get destroyed by the crash.
- An australian/south african themed world.
-Locals feet the world theme, they're former prisonners or descendants, still imperials in their way, but no blindness: they were condamned and abandonned.
-Some structures still remain: there is a governor like, cities etc but in a bush way of doing it.
-War on the planet: marauding bands, a tau scout group with some sepratist cities. maybe the hulks dropped by the warp with the shipwreck will bring something else and maybe some brothers weren't that loyals...

Nearbies world ?
-There is a watch station nearby, some dead and death worlds from tyrannids attacks, and on longer ways feral and feudal worlds, could be nice to find a way to make space travels again...


For now that's the core of what I plan, I'm more than eager to have some advices, criticism and all from you.
Thanks for reading !

Edited August 17, 2017 by Papy carni