---The Dead Rise Again---

[Bruce Malcom]

It is the 42nd Millennium, during which Guilliman's new forces ride onwards with the vigor unseen since the Old Days...

 

An Ultramarines Successor Chapter, the Red Calibers, was being secretly infiltrated by a Rouge Inquisitor, too power-hungry to know when to quit. The Chapter Master was assassinated, and the next-in-line, a Captain, was under fire for a usually unpunished Heresy. But, due to the investigation of the Assassination and the discovery of his personal logs, a Civil War broke out in them. The Captain led his forces to victory, and 400 Astartes, including him, all left aboard a Long Serpent Vessel, dubbed The Imperial Longsword.

 

This is where our story begins...

 

-Five Weeks Since the Departing of the Imperial Longsword-

 

The Captain, now by the name of Validor as an honorary title, strolled across his ship's deck, and entering the part of the ship delegated to his First Company.

 

"Brother-Captain Arbitrus, gather your men," he said to the nearby Captain. Arbitrus was an important leader during the Civil War, capturing the Imperial Longsword from enemy hands. "First Company!" He shouted. All of the Astartes within said Company approached the two Captains.

 

Validor stepped closer. "I hope you all forgive me for not letting you rest longer. I realize that the Civil War was a heavy battle to fight, but we have contact with some sort of Imperial Distress Signal. We must investigate."

 

One of the Adeptus Astartes there, one clad in Mark Six, spoke. "But sir, what if it is a Red Caliber trick?"

 

Validor shook his head. "I don't believe so. It's too far away from any known world they've visited. Anyhow, we are above the planet, and I need Astartes on the ground. Prepare for Drop." He readied himself in one of the Drop Pods, Stalker Bolter in hand. His power sword sat ready, in it's hilt. His Gravis Armor was sure to protect him from most attacks, but he feared what could be their final battle.

 

What could it be? Tyranids? No, the planet seemed fine and they wouldn't be able to Warp if their shadows were active. Necrons? Perhaps, the signal did shout about large metal men. Though, that could also imply Chaos and their Traitorous Astartes. He gripped his rifle even more. Chaos is the worst enemy one could ask for. They turn your men against you with the promise of freedom and power, but in all reality they are more restrictive than the vile and dredged Imperium of Man.

 

Perhaps..?

 

Validor shook his head. 'Stop thinking like that. Someone has to lead these Astartes,' he thought angrily to himself. He stared at his other men entering the Drop-Pod. Four other Astartes entered, two were Primaris, both armed with Boltrifles, and the other two were standard Astartes, one equipped with a Plasma Gun and the other, a Melta.

 

Arbitrus and his men gathered in a nearby pod. They certainly had more Marines in that pod.

 

Had he done something to anger his people? If so...what?

 

He would have to think about it later, because his pod launched downwards, alongside a couple Thunderhawks and the other Pod, the Atmosphere of the planet rocking all of them.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Typos:

An Ultramarines Successor Chapter, the Red Calibers, was being secretly infiltrated by a Rouge Inquisitor, too power-hungry to know when to quit.

"Rouge" is the French word for the color red, and also a type of cosmetic. I believe the term you intended to use is "rogue."

He stared at his other men entering the Drop-Pod. Four other Astartes entered, two were Primaris, both armed with Boltrifles, and the other two were standard Astartes, one equipped with a Plasma Gun and the other, a Melta.

 

Arbitrus and his men gathered in a nearby pod. They certainly had more Marines in that pod.

 

Had he done something to anger his people? If so...what?

 

He would have to think about it later, because his pod launched downwards, alongside a couple Thunderhawks and the other Pod, the Atmosphere of the planet rocking all of them.

If "Drop-Pod", "Bolt Rifles" (two words), "Plasma Gun" (I see it written as two words and as one word, "plasmagun", in Games Workshop publications), "Melta", and "Atmosphere" are not part of a name (e.g., a soldier nicknamed "Melta Mike" for his proficiency with the weapon), they should not be capitalized unless these words are used to start a sentence.

[Tarvek Val]

This is a great start, I'm looking forward to further action! This story has a lot of potential, and I'm curious to see who the mysterious enemy will turn out to be.

 

A word of advice - be careful with your verb tenses. 

The Captain, now by the name of Validor as an honorary title, strolled across his ship's deck, and entering the part of the ship delegated to his First Company.

In this case, you use the past tense of "stroll" and the present tense of "enter." They should be the same tense - either he strolled across the ship's deck and entered the part of the ship, or he strolls across the ship's deck and enters the part of the ship...

 

This story seems as though it works best in the present tense; we, the reader, are seeing the actions play out in real time. Thus, it would make the most sense (to me) for all verbs in the story to be in the present tense.

 

This in no means detracts from the potential of your story, I enjoyed it and look forward to the next segment 

[Bruce Malcom]

Typos:

An Ultramarines Successor Chapter, the Red Calibers, was being secretly infiltrated by a Rouge Inquisitor, too power-hungry to know when to quit.

"Rouge" is the French word for the color red, and also a type of cosmetic. I believe the term you intended to use is "rogue."

He stared at his other men entering the Drop-Pod. Four other Astartes entered, two were Primaris, both armed with Boltrifles, and the other two were standard Astartes, one equipped with a Plasma Gun and the other, a Melta.

Arbitrus and his men gathered in a nearby pod. They certainly had more Marines in that pod.

Had he done something to anger his people? If so...what?

He would have to think about it later, because his pod launched downwards, alongside a couple Thunderhawks and the other Pod, the Atmosphere of the planet rocking all of them.

If "Drop-Pod", "Bolt Rifles" (two words), "Plasma Gun" (I see it written as two words and as one word, "plasmagun", in Games Workshop publications), "Melta", and "Atmosphere" are not part of a name (e.g., a soldier nicknamed "Melta Mike" for his proficiency with the weapon), they should not be capitalized unless these words are used to start a sentence.

Yes, I meant Rogue.

 

And yeah, I don't know, I always wrote them as capitalized. One of my writing quirks. Don't like it when it's lower case...but it's a stupid nitpick and I should most likely write correctly from now on.

This is a great start, I'm looking forward to further action! This story has a lot of potential, and I'm curious to see who the mysterious enemy will turn out to be.

 

A word of advice - be careful with your verb tenses. 

 

The Captain, now by the name of Validor as an honorary title, strolled across his ship's deck, and entering the part of the ship delegated to his First Company.

 

In this case, you use the past tense of "stroll" and the present tense of "enter." They should be the same tense - either he strolled across the ship's deck and entered the part of the ship, or he strolls across the ship's deck and enters the part of the ship...

 

This story seems as though it works best in the present tense; we, the reader, are seeing the actions play out in real time. Thus, it would make the most sense (to me) for all verbs in the story to be in the present tense.

 

This in no means detracts from the potential of your story, I enjoyed it and look forward to the next segment :tu:

Thank you for your constructive criticism and I'm glad you are interested.

[Bruce Malcom]

The vehicles rock in the cold, winter air. The drop pod carrying Captain Validor crashes into the snowy ground, cracking the rocky exterior the planet surface.

 

The pod opens, revealing the Captain in his glory. "Astartes! We have landed. Secure the area." The Adeptus Astartes did as commanded, setting up a perimeter. One of the Primaris Marines approaches him, his armor pristine and new. "Sir, shall we wait for Arbitrus and his men, or...?"

 

Suddenly, a Chimera burst from the nearby snowy forests. People geared up in trenchcoats and attire suited towards winter, and armed with stubguns and Lasguns follow suit. Validor approaches, gripping his rifle further. "Hello, fellow man. We have arrived to assist you in your troubles. Would one of you mind filling us in on the situation?"

 

The Chimera opened up, revealing a woman geared up like a general. "Hello, Astartes. I am Commander Slonne. I have been leading our Guard Regiment against the multiple threats on this planet."

 

"Multiple?" Validor questions further.

 

"Multiple. A variety of threats. May I fill you in inside closed doors? Some of us mind the chill of the snow." Validor nods. "Of course, Commander. One of my Captains is supposed to be approaching with more Astartes..."

 

Arbitrus and his men appear from behind. "Ah! I see you have found locals. Have they told us what is going on, or..?"

 

"We were heading inside, to protect our unaugmented friends from the icy air, actually. We will be told the situation there," Validor tells Arbitrus.

 

Some time passes, and they are secure within a warm bunker guarded by Guardsmen and a few Leman Russes.

 

"I couldn't help but admire your defenses, Commander," Arbitrus compliments Slonne. "Thank you, Captain. So, you wanted to know our plights..."

 

-------------

Aboard the Imperial Longsword , multiple Tech-Priests finish their first Attack Bike since the Civil War ended. A lone Astartes approaches them, clad in red and white.

 

It was a Red Caliber. He rose his boltgun and fired at the Tech-Priests. One of them goes down, dead. The other ducks behind the Bike, and turns the vehicle's guns on the Astartes. The barrel of the gun shakes with thrust and the Astartes falls to the ground. The mortally wounded Astartes starts to get up as another Astartes, this one wearing Black and Red like Validor, stabs him with a Power Sword. He slices his blade upwards, cutting the head in half.

 

"A Red Caliber has boarded our vessel," the Astartes says, grimly.

 

-------------

"...First, a few Traitor Ships showed up out of the Warp. They demanded our children and our men, presumably for vile experiments. We stayed and fought. This is when we called for backup, but the Astartes coming were lost in the Warp and the other regiment was diverted to Cadia. It was just us vs the traitors. Now, once we received word that no help was coming, the Necrons showed up, vehicles and all. It was bad, then. No assistance. All we have is a couple hundred survivors secured from the cities, most of them kids. No parents to raise them, either. The rest of the planet is relatively untouched..."

 

"So, it's you, Chaos, and Necrons...a bad place to be," Validor tells her. Arbitrus speaks. "We'll help you out, if you let us have those kids. Make them Astartes."

 

The Commander thinks about this. "Sure. We know we have a couple freighters coming in to get us off-planet, but the chaotic attackers are starting to build up defenses, and we fear when they arrive they'll be destroyed. The ships are starting to amass."

 

"We will do what we can. I shall order my ship to destroy these attackers. Anything we can do on the ground?"

 

Just then, a massive blast rocks the bunker. "I guess check whatever that was!" She says as she got out her Boltpistol, the kind Commissars use. They rushed out, with the Astartes in tow.

 

The Bunker doors opened to the sight of dead Guardsmen and wrecked Leman Russes. A Lord of Contagion stands atop a destroyed tank, as legions of Poxwalkers and traitorous Astartes approach. A few Blight Drones hover above the blighted crowds.

 

"Kill the Astartes! Slay the Commander!" He shouts through his rusting and green helm.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

I notice the sentences change between PAST and PRESENT tense, sometimes in the same paragraph. For example, "The Bunker doors OPENED to the sight of dead Guardsmen and wrecked Leman Russes," (emphasis mine) is followed by "A Lord of Contagion STANDS atop a destroyed tank, as legions of Poxwalkers and traitorous Astartes APPROACH," (emphasis mine).

 

This is bad grammar. Most storytellers use consistently use past tense in their narration, with the obvious exception of dialogue; if you think present tense works better, please use it consistently.

 

Nitpicking:

The pod opens, revealing the Captain in his glory. "Astartes! We have landed. Secure the area."

Loyalist Space Marines do NOT refer to each other as "Astartes" or "Space Marines," they refer to each other as "Brothers," "Cousins" (if the Marines are from another Loyalist Chapter), or "Traitors" (if the Marines are Chaos Space Marines).

Suddenly, a Chimera burst from the nearby snowy forests. People geared up in trenchcoats and attire suited towards winter, and armed with stubguns and Lasguns follow suit. Validor approaches, gripping his rifle further. "Hello, fellow man. We have arrived to assist you in your troubles. Would one of you mind filling us in on the situation?"

It's unusual for a Space Marine to address to an Astra Militarum guardsman as "Fellow man," considering "man" refers to "humans," while a Marine's genetic augmentations make him something beyond human- a "man" no longer. A Marine MAY address a guardsman as "Mortal," though the guardsman will likely feel its use is condescending/insulting.

The Chimera opened up, revealing a woman geared up like a general. "Hello, Astartes."

The only general-specific "gear" is rank insignia, in which case, the sentence should be rewritten to indicate the woman is wearing those rank insignia. And addressing Space Marines as "Astartes" may be considered insulting; as noblemen (and women) were historically those holding the rank; a general should speak formally, e.g., say, "Salutations, Milord."

[Bruce Malcom]

I notice the sentences change between PAST and PRESENT tense, sometimes in the same paragraph. For example, "The Bunker doors OPENED to the sight of dead Guardsmen and wrecked Leman Russes," (emphasis mine) is followed by "A Lord of Contagion STANDS atop a destroyed tank, as legions of Poxwalkers and traitorous Astartes APPROACH," (emphasis mine).

This is bad grammar. Most storytellers use consistently use past tense in their narration, with the obvious exception of dialogue; if you think present tense works better, please use it consistently.

Nitpicking:

The pod opens, revealing the Captain in his glory. "Astartes! We have landed. Secure the area."

Loyalist Space Marines do NOT refer to each other as "Astartes" or "Space Marines," they refer to each other as "Brothers," "Cousins" (if the Marines are from another Loyalist Chapter), or "Traitors" (if the Marines are Chaos Space Marines).

Suddenly, a Chimera burst from the nearby snowy forests. People geared up in trenchcoats and attire suited towards winter, and armed with stubguns and Lasguns follow suit. Validor approaches, gripping his rifle further. "Hello, fellow man. We have arrived to assist you in your troubles. Would one of you mind filling us in on the situation?"

It's unusual for a Space Marine to address to an Astra Militarum guardsman as "Fellow man," considering "man" refers to "humans," while a Marine's genetic augmentations make him something beyond human- a "man" no longer. A Marine MAY address a guardsman as "Mortal," though the guardsman will likely feel its use is condescending/insulting.

The Chimera opened up, revealing a woman geared up like a general. "Hello, Astartes."

The only general-specific "gear" is rank insignia, in which case, the sentence should be rewritten to indicate the woman is wearing those rank insignia. And addressing Space Marines as "Astartes" may be considered insulting; as noblemen (and women) were historically those holding the rank; a general should speak formally, e.g., say, "Salutations, Milord."

Gotta sort out the present tense thing, just too used to other tenses.

 

Is it unusual or impossible? I'd consider Validor to be a kinder Marine; that's his character. A kind hearted Captain in a harsh situation in an even eviler universe.

 

Forgot about the whole 'Brother' dynamic. I shall definitely use it later.

 

The Commander is a gruff and uncaring woman, with a newfound dislike for Astartes after the constant bombardment of the chaotic kind. I doubt she'd use kind words to talk with them. Also, stranger things have happened.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The Commander is a gruff and uncaring woman, with a newfound dislike for Astartes after the constant bombardment of the chaotic kind. I doubt she'd use kind words to talk with them. Also, stranger things have happened.

In which case, she shouldn't even bother to add "Hello," to her greeting. You should also have Validor note her behavior is unusual.

 

The lack of formality also suggests a lack in training and/or experience in rituals and traditions. Was the general (pay grade: O-7 to O-10) recently promoted- maybe from Major (pay grade: O-4), skipping over several ranks- because her regiment was subjected to a decapitation strike, and she's the highest ranking of the surviving officers?

[Bruce Malcom]

 

The Commander is a gruff and uncaring woman, with a newfound dislike for Astartes after the constant bombardment of the chaotic kind. I doubt she'd use kind words to talk with them. Also, stranger things have happened.

In which case, she shouldn't even bother to add "Hello," to her greeting. You should also have Validor note her behavior is unusual.

The lack of formality also suggests a lack in training and/or experience in rituals and traditions. Was the general (pay grade: O-7 to O-10) recently promoted- maybe from Major (pay grade: O-4), skipping over several ranks- because her regiment was subjected to a decapitation strike, and she's the highest ranking of the surviving officers?

Yeah, let's go with that.

[Bruce Malcom]

Validor's eyes are widening. These worshipers of Nurgle are to be eradicated - their taint too strong to rectify. Before he could issue an order, Arbitrus is shouting. "Fire at the heretics! Down that blasted man with the axe!" He is, of course, talking about The Lord of Contagion, the presumable leader of these traitorous Astartes. Validor unsheathed his blade and is slicing a Poxwalker in half; his men all attacked with him. Three Astartes were charging at the Lord of Contagion, but his bloated and burly body is deceivingly fast. He is whipping around his Plague Reaper and caught a Space Marine in its grisly jaws. It cut the man's helm off as another with a chainsword rushed him, angrily. The chainsword flew into The Lord of Contagion's armor, but the Terminator plate easily deflected it. The Lord kicking the Astartes back destroyed his lower body, but yet another Space Marine jumped into view, this one being the one with a melta. The hilt of the plague reaper collides with his helm, however, and the blast is diverted to The Lord's leg. He falls to the ground, using his plague reaper as a cane.

 

As more Poxwalkers fell to bolter fire, The Lord of Contagion shook his head. "Fall back, men!" He is glaring at Validor directly. "This is not over, Brother Captain Validor..." They all ran off, with The Lord hopping onto the side of a chaotic Rhino.

 

Did he just say Validor's name?

 

"Brother Captain, shall we follow them?" Arbitrus was asking for once.

 

"Get our orbiting Thunderhawks after them. Tell them to launch the assault when we all regroup. For now, I must inquire more from our most unusual Commander." He is walking back into the Bunker as he receives a Vox message.

 

RED CALIBER FOUND ON-BOARD

 

Validor instantly tells Arbitrus. "Arbitrus, they found a Red Caliber on our ship."

 

"What?" Arbitrus seems shocked. "I thought I-"

 

Validor grabs him by the collar piece. "You said you cleared the ship!"

 

Arbitrus's Errant Armor is shaking as Validor rattles him. "Perhaps a defector, after the launch!"

 

Validor throws Arbitrus back. "You are the security manager as well. You should have caught this as soon as it happened."

 

Suddenly, Commander Slonne runs out. "Captains, we are receiving word that another base is under attack from poxwalkers, too many to count."

 

"Infestation..." Validor says, grimly. "We exterminate. I shall call in drop pods, loaded with flamers. Those defiled humans shall be finally put to rest... via promethium flames."

 

---------

The pods are launching as the sun dawns upon a destroyed city, still burning. The cries of poxwalkers and civilians fill the streets.

 

A pod's doors open to reveal another Civil War hero; Lieutenant Jeremy Kelovel of the fourth company. His smile broad as ever, he slots on his helm as he whips out a heavy Boltpistol and blows apart a poxwalker. "Brothers! Suffer not the mutants to live!" Flamers bursting with promethium is unleashed upon the endless hordes.

 

---------

Rumbling underneath a small ransacked village is a massive Necron force, awakening after eons of slumber. They pull out their weapons and encounter chaos cultists and traitor Astartes.

 

Gunfire immediately ensures.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The Necrons' arrival could be better, e.g., introduce them by having a green light drawing LT Kelovel's attention and arousing confusion (the enemy cultists' lasguns shooting red beams); when the LT turns, he sees a friend's body disintegrate as Necron gauss weapons fire upon his unit; the LT then shouts a warning as the xenos attack both sides in this war.

 

The following

Rumbling underneath a small ransacked village is a massive Necron force, awakening after eons of slumber. They pull out their weapons and encounter chaos cultists and traitor Astartes.

 

Gunfire immediately ensures.

is telling, not showing.

 

Other than that, good job on the new chapter. Is the Lord of Contagion a former member of the Chapter Validor serves? It's otherwise strange for him to refer to his nemesis as "BROTHER-Captain" (emphasis mine).

[Bruce Malcom]

The Necrons' arrival could be better, e.g., introduce them by having a green light drawing LT Kelovel's attention and arousing confusion (the enemy cultists' lasguns shooting red beams); when the LT turns, he sees a friend's body disintegrate as Necron gauss weapons fire upon his unit; the LT then shouts a warning as the xenos attack both sides in this war.

The following

Rumbling underneath a small ransacked village is a massive Necron force, awakening after eons of slumber. They pull out their weapons and encounter chaos cultists and traitor Astartes.

Gunfire immediately ensures.

is telling, not showing.

Other than that, good job on the new chapter. Is the Lord of Contagion a former member of the Chapter Validor serves? It's otherwise strange for him to refer to his nemesis as "BROTHER-Captain" (emphasis mine).

Mysteries, man! They've obviously interacted before, enough for him to still consider him Brother, albeit in a mocking way.

[Bruce Malcom]

"Brother-Kelovel! Our promethium reserves are running dry; and the daemons and corrupted man stomp forward unfazed! I fear the city may be lost!"

 

Kelovel fires at the approaching Poxwalkers as he is told this news. "Curse the Ruinous Powers...turn our dead allies into monstrous creatures." He fires again, this time bursting a head wide open. "Did you already order more promethium down?"

 

The battle brother shakes his head. "Not granted. Our limited supplies is starting to hurt, and the Forge World that offered to supply us is taking their time."

 

"Brother, there is a difference between taking their time and being lazy," Kelovel stats. "Their holy fervor is waning - but I really don't care about how they feel about their Ommnisah. The problem still stands - we are in desperate need of a resupply."

 

Suddenly, a Bloat Drone busts through a concrete wall that was part of the housing the Adeptus Astartes had taken refuge within. It died with the collision, but it crashes straight into an Astartes and he erupts with glorious flames with his promethium tank exploding. The Astartes was, safe to say, dead.

 

"No! Brother down! Brother down!" Kelovel shouts, and other brothers are quick to salvage what thy could. Suddenly, more Bloat Drones crash into the walls, starting to weaken the structure. Kelovel shakes his head. "We must move! Our brother will be lost with the fortification..." He sighs. "Move out! Abort the mission!"

 

----

 

The Thunderhawks pursued the chaotic warriors back to their base; a slapped together base, covered in disease and rot.

 

"Looks pretty standard, brothers. The worshipers have coated their facilities in their vile germs."

 

The commander in the vehicle chuckles. "All that mass of flesh should be pretty flammable!" He shouts.

 

"Hey, I want to get down there too - we are just waiting on Validor's signal," the pilot says.

 

----

"Commander, your defenses are rattled and my men are not plentiful. I recommend you move locations."

 

Commander Slonne sighs. "You don't get it, Captain. There aren't any other locations to go to. Our men are defeated and our bases are destroyed." A soldier came by with a bottle, filled with alcoholic beverages. She swigs the thing, drinking a mighty gulp of Imperial Ale.

 

"I don't like Astartes. Not after the attacks. But you're different. You aren't pretentious. You aren't so entitled to the best care," she says.

 

Validor sighs, grimly. "Perhaps that is because of our current situation. I hope your view of Astartes changes...have you ever met a Salamander?"

 

Slonne mumbles. "No..."

 

"They are kind people, the nicest cousins...if only their Primarch could be restored to his proper seat of power."

 

Arbitrus walks into the room, towering over the Commander. "Slonne, I find your lack of respect infuriating."

 

Validor holds back a laugh. "Arbitrus, do you understand the concept of 'bad timing'?"

 

"Sorry if I interrupted something, but our commander here lacks all formal skills and such. How did you become the rank you are? Bad leadership? A failing society?"

 

Slonne glares. "Captain Arbitrus, our hierarchy here was savagely struck by a successful attack that killed all of our proper leaders. It's a feat that I alone remained."

 

Validor gave a gruesome stare to Arbitrus. "Now that the invasion of privacy is over, Arbitrus, Slonne, shall we begin planning our counter attack -"

 

Vox communication rung out. "Brother Captain Validor, the attack was a failure! I need immediate pickup!" Validor is caught off guard by this. "Hang on, Lieutenant! I shall order a Thunderhawk to pick you all up!"

 

----

 

A Thunderhawk at full throttle bursts into the area as an Autocannon lays waste to the approaching ghouls and daemons. "Why weren't we issued this earlier!?" Kelovel asks harshly, as he boards the ship with his allies. The pilot shrugs. "I don't know. I do know, however, is that your Captain was not the one who organized the assault. It was Brother Captain Arbitrus of the First Company."

 

"Arbitrus equipped us like this?" Kelovel says in shock. "For an apparent tactical genius, this seems almost doomed from the start...are you sure he organized this assault?"

 

"Positive, lieutenant."

 

Kelovel goes into deep thought as the Thunderhawk blasts off, scorching the undead behind them with the flare from it's mighty engines.

 

"Well, at least we aren't dead, Lieutenant," one of the Astartes speaks, almost further tormenting the lieutenant about their loss earlier.

 

"Not dead yet, brother. Not dead yet."

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Your writing skills are improving. Keep up the good work- and your patience with critics, which is also necessary if you wish to improve as a writer.

 

Nitpicking:

Brother-Kelovel

Is "Kelovel" a name, or a title? If it's a name, then you should remove the "-" between "Brother" and "Kelovel".

The Thunderhawks pursued the chaotic warriors back to their base

The word "Chaos" should always be capitalized when referring to the Ruinous Powers. IIRC, those who fight for Chaos are referred to as "Chaos warriors" or "warriors of Chaos"- the term "Chaotic" may lead readers to believe these warriors are "chaotic" (note the lack of capitalization) because the Fog of War has confused them, not because they serve the Ruinous Powers.

Vox communication rung out. "Brother Captain Validor, the attack was a failure! I need immediate pickup!" Validor is caught off guard by this. "Hang on, Lieutenant! I shall order a Thunderhawk to pick you all up!"

When different people are speaking, you should put each person's dialogue in its own paragraph, to avoid confusing readers. The quoted paragraph should be rewritten as:

Vox communication rung out. "Brother Captain Validor, the attack was a failure! I need immediate pickup!"

 

Validor is caught off guard by this. "Hang on, Lieutenant! I shall order a Thunderhawk to pick you all up!"

[Bruce Malcom]

Death and misery lined the ground. Brothers fell to the pavement, the mud splashing as an Adeptus Astartes helmet met the dirty and wet surface.

 

Red armor was pierced by bolter fire. Thunderhawks crashed from the hazel sky, mirroring bombs being dropped from above. Cries, not of pain or sadness, but of zeal and vengeful sorrow filled the ears of any who stood near this desolate battle.

 

In the middle stood a lone Astartes, Power Sword in hand and beside him was a stoic figure, holding a Storm Bolter and blasting away what they used to consider brothers.

 

"Brother..." the Astartes with the Power Sword said. "...I am so sorry."

 

A swing of his sword, and his brother was thrown to the ground.

 

His eyes closed, for what he thought would be the final time.

 

But it wasn't.

 

----

 

Validor sits next to Arbitrus. "That lord of contagion knew my name."

 

"Really?" Arbitrus asks.

 

"Yes. He even called me Brother...it worries me. What terrible creature did I create? Who would remember me with such angst and disgust?"

Arbitrus stands up. "He is a vile worm, Validor. Do not let him get under your skin, he can only fester then. Besides, brother, we have a war to win here."

 

Lieutenant Kelovel busts into the room. "Maybe if you could properly assign equipment to us, we could actually win this, Captain Arbitrus!"

 

Arbitrus turns to face the Lieutenant. "Kelovel? What a nice surprise."

 

Kelovel glares at Arbitrus. "You purposely doomed our troops. To what end?" Validor speaks up. "I'm sorry, what now? Kelovel, what are you saying?"

 

Kelovel turns to face Validor. "I believe Arbitrus is siding with the enemy." Arbitrus growls. "I WOULD NEVER!"

 

Validor grabs Arbitrus. "Of course you would...you allowed that Red Caliber to board our ship."

 

Suddenly, twenty Astartes approaches the group. "Brother, I'm going to have to ask you to unhand Brother Captain Arbitrus." The Lieutenant asks, whom Kelovel glares at. Validor takes a hard stare at the men. "You all seek to further destabilize us...mutiny. You all want mutiny, to return to that dreaded Inquisitor breaking every rule we have?"

 

He sighs. "You would support sacrificing our freedoms, our rights as a Chapter of Adeptus Astartes, to join an Inquisitor who would gladly seal your fates if he desires it? ...you are all lost."

 

Kelovel throws a Krak Grenade on the floor, and pushes Validor out of the way. The explosion blasts Arbitrus backwards, and his men go soaring through the air. Kelovel fires his Boltpistol, blasting at Arbitrus. He falls backwards, not dead but wounded.

 

"That's a mighty fine way of taking the enemy by surprise...throw a fracking Krak Grenade at their boots," Validor remarks as he also pulls out his Boltpistol and fires at Arbitrus. "Put them down, my Red Calibers!" Arbitrus shouts, no shame evident in his voice. "So Kelovel was correct in his accusations!" Validor says in heavy breaths. He fires his Boltpistol at another Astartes, knocking him down. "Red Calibers, I offer you one last chance to redeem yourselves. I give you this chance, so you may have a living leader that will last through the night, because mark my words Arbitrus, you shall not."

 

"Validor...I hope you understand that I do not wish you dead. I shall offer you a chance to surrender yourself." Arbitrus says.

 

"And I hope you understand that you have abandoned your freedoms, your laws, and you subjugate your cousins to this fate of takeover. Do you really want the Adeptus Astartes to crumble because of you?" Validor unsheathes his Power Sword. "I shall not allow that."

 

Arbitrus sighs heavily. "I guess you shall be the one not lasting long enough to see the sun shine on you again..." He says as he takes out his own Power Sword.

 

The two dash at each other at blinding speeds and their brilliant swords clash in a magnificent blue hue. 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your writing skills are improving. Keep up the good work- and your patience with critics, which is also necessary if you wish to improve as a writer.

Nitpicking:

Brother-Kelovel

Is "Kelovel" a name, or a title? If it's a name, then you should remove the "-" between "Brother" and "Kelovel".

The Thunderhawks pursued the chaotic warriors back to their base

The word "Chaos" should always be capitalized when referring to the Ruinous Powers. IIRC, those who fight for Chaos are referred to as "Chaos warriors" or "warriors of Chaos"- the term "Chaotic" may lead readers to believe these warriors are "chaotic" (note the lack of capitalization) because the Fog of War has confused them, not because they serve the Ruinous Powers.

Vox communication rung out. "Brother Captain Validor, the attack was a failure! I need immediate pickup!" Validor is caught off guard by this. "Hang on, Lieutenant! I shall order a Thunderhawk to pick you all up!"

When different people are speaking, you should put each person's dialogue in its own paragraph, to avoid confusing readers. The quoted paragraph should be rewritten as:

Vox communication rung out. "Brother Captain Validor, the attack was a failure! I need immediate pickup!"

Validor is caught off guard by this. "Hang on, Lieutenant! I shall order a Thunderhawk to pick you all up!"

 

 

Kelovel is a name. I shall drop the apostrophe.

[Bruce Malcom]

Validor parries Arbitrus, and Arbitrus parries Validor. The former brothers had much in common; their sense of morality and justice, skill, and the ability to rally. Where did it go wrong? When did Arbitrus switch sides? During the reclamation of the ship? The battle of Kerosvell? The siege of Fortress Oblivica? How far back did his betrayal go?

 

"Why, Arbitrus?! Why did you turn your back on keeping the liberty of our Chapters?" He asks, all while dueling. Their strikes could not pass the other's defenses.

 

As the two Captains were fighting, Kelovel is firing at his former brothers. "You all are fools! You all know that the Imperium will never allow you back! Even if you win, you all still lose! "

 

As the Astartes battled, rumbling is coming from the sky. The battle stops. "What is that noise?" Arbitrus asks.

 

"Your defeat, old friend."

 

Drop Pods are coming crashing down, and it's passengers leap out, firing. " PURGE THE TRAITORS! " The Astartes squad screams. Arbitrus gets blown back by a volley of Bolter fire.

 

"I'm so sorry, old friend."

 

Arbitrus, coughing on his own blood, glares at Validor. "You...said that...once. To your own...brother..."

 

Validor reels back. Arbitrus...was right. What if..?

 

"Astartes," he starts, "I need you all to protect this area." He activates his Vox Communicator. "Thunderhawks, return and pick me up. I need to come with you. I...fear I may need to end this myself."

[Bjorn Firewalker]

You're improving as a writer. The newest segment is easier to read, and appreciably direct- none of that "subvert expectations" nonsense a talentless hack uses as an excuse for poor planning (The Last Jedi, Game of Thrones Season 8).

[Tarvek Val]

I'll echo Bjorn here, this latest segment is certainly my favorite. You handled the dialogue well, and left me excited to read the next segment and see how Validor handles his personal battle. Nicely done.

[Bruce Malcom]

Thunderhawks are approaching. The snow increases in it's amounts. Slonne and her last few men garrison themselves. It almost felt like an ending. A last stand.

 

Validor grimaces as the Thunderhawks arrive. He boards the ships, unsure of his ability to win. He was an expert fighter and possessed the ability to rally. A great combatant. But it was Arbitrus who did the strategic planning. Validor, while smart and a tactician, was no great leader. He was a Captain, not a Chapter-Master.

 

His sins were back to haunt him. Would he be ready to face his former brother?

 

----------

As the near dead brother opened his eyes, he was not greeted by the bloodshed of his brothers, nor the remnants of their mighty clash. He was inside a grisly dark room, filled with terrible corruption.

 

He immediately knew. Chaos.

 

Four Astartes approached him. On covered in vile diseases, another clad in blood-stained armor and blades, another covered in finely crafted armor and dark and pink leather, and the last dressed almost like a normal Astartes, besides the cloak and other demonic imagery.

 

They offered him a position within their ranks...a unorthodox method, to be sure, but it appeared these war bands were united. Chaos Undivided. He, forced into no other option and his faith in the Emperor lacking due to personal reasons and his brother's betrayal, he choose the path of Nurgle. Instantly, diseases filled him and rot covered his armor...

-------------

 

The Thunderhawks arrive to the sight of a regrouped swarm of Poxwalkers and Chaos Space Marines. "Alright men, we shall slay the heretics! IN THE NAME OF THE-"

 

His battle cry is cut short by a Necron gauss blast blowing off a side of the hull. "Prepare for crash landing, brothers!" Validor shouts as the vessel crashes into the cold, hard snow.

 

The Adeptus Astartes recover, and crawl out from under the ship. It was too damaged to operate as anything besides cover. "Charge the enemy! I must face that Lord of Contagion!"

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The scene is adequate as a setup for the next battle, but you should be careful with your tenses.

Thunderhawks ARE approaching. The snow INCREASES in it's amounts. Slonne and her last few men GARRISON themselves. It almost FELT like an ending. A last stand.

 

Validor GRIMACES as the Thunderhawks arrive. He BOARDS the ships, unsure of his ability to win. He WAS an expert fighter and POSSESSED the ability to rally. A great combatant. But it was Arbitrus who did the strategic planning. Validor, while smart and a tactician, WAS no leader. He WAS a Captain, not a Chapter-Master.

 

His sins WERE back to haunt him. WOULD he be ready to face his former brother?

I'm emphasizing words whose tences should be unified. Use present tense ("are", "increases", "garrison", "grimaces", "boards", "is", "possesses", "are", "will") or past tense ("were", "increased", "garrisoned", "grimaced", "boarded", "was", "possessed", "were", "would"), but use ONLY ONE- do not use both tenses in the same scene.

More nitpicking:

The snow increases in it's amounts.

As "it's" is the abbreviation of "it is", you should remove the apostrophe.

Validor, while smart and a tactician, was no leader. He was a Captain, not a Chapter-Master.

A Captain IS a leader. Perhaps you should rewrite the first sentence to read, "Validor, while smart and a tactician, was no GREAT leader," (emphasis mine)?

Four Astartes approached him. On covered in vile diseases,

I'm assuming you meant, "ONE covered in vile diseases," but diseases themselves- the viruses and bacteria responsible for them- are invisible to human eyes. You should describe the visible symptoms of these "vile diseases"- weeping sores, cancerous tumors somehow growing in ceramite and adamantium, flesh and bone rotting away from gangrene, etc.

another clad in blood-stained armor and blades,

"Bloodstained" can be written as one word.

another covered in finely crafted armor and dark and pink leather, and the last dressed almost like a normal Astartes, besides the cloak and other demonic imagery.

What imagery is "demonic"? Please describe it to your readers.

They offered him a position within their ranks...a unorthodox method, to be sure, but it appeared these war bands were united. Chaos Undivided. He, forced into no other option and his faith in the Emperor lacking due to personal reasons and his brother's betrayal, he choose the path of Nurgle. Instantly, diseases filled him and rot covered his armor...

HOW did the Chaos Marines present their offer? WHY did the POV character feel he had "no other option"? WHAT "personal reasons" weakened the POV character's faith in the Emperor?

 

This scene smacks of "telling" instead of "showing," a grievous mistake for writers. Why is it even here? If it's meant to inform readers WHY Arbitrus turned traitor, you should indicate this is a flashback, e.g., begin the scene with the sentence "Arbitrus remembered the moment when all his love for the Emperor and His Imperium turned to hate- when the Emperor's light no longer shined for him, forcing the Marine to beg the Chaos Gods for guidance out of the pit of despair he found himself in."

[Bruce Malcom]

The scene is adequate as a setup for the next battle, but you should be careful with your tenses.

Thunderhawks ARE approaching. The snow INCREASES in it's amounts. Slonne and her last few men GARRISON themselves. It almost FELT like an ending. A last stand.

 

Validor GRIMACES as the Thunderhawks arrive. He BOARDS the ships, unsure of his ability to win. He WAS an expert fighter and POSSESSED the ability to rally. A great combatant. But it was Arbitrus who did the strategic planning. Validor, while smart and a tactician, WAS no leader. He WAS a Captain, not a Chapter-Master.

 

His sins WERE back to haunt him. WOULD he be ready to face his former brother?

I'm emphasizing words whose tences should be unified. Use present tense ("are", "increases", "garrison", "grimaces", "boards", "is", "possesses", "are", "will") or past tense ("were", "increased", "garrisoned", "grimaced", "boarded", "was", "possessed", "were", "would"), but use ONLY ONE- do not use both tenses in the same scene.

More nitpicking:

The snow increases in it's amounts.

As "it's" is the abbreviation of "it is", you should remove the apostrophe.

Validor, while smart and a tactician, was no leader. He was a Captain, not a Chapter-Master.

A Captain IS a leader. Perhaps you should rewrite the first sentence to read, "Validor, while smart and a tactician, was no GREAT leader," (emphasis mine)?

Four Astartes approached him. On covered in vile diseases,

I'm assuming you meant, "ONE covered in vile diseases," but diseases themselves- the viruses and bacteria responsible for them- are invisible to human eyes. You should describe the visible symptoms of these "vile diseases"- weeping sores, cancerous tumors somehow growing in ceramite and adamantium, flesh and bone rotting away from gangrene, etc.

another clad in blood-stained armor and blades,

"Bloodstained" can be written as one word.

another covered in finely crafted armor and dark and pink leather, and the last dressed almost like a normal Astartes, besides the cloak and other demonic imagery.

What imagery is "demonic"? Please describe it to your readers.

They offered him a position within their ranks...a unorthodox method, to be sure, but it appeared these war bands were united. Chaos Undivided. He, forced into no other option and his faith in the Emperor lacking due to personal reasons and his brother's betrayal, he choose the path of Nurgle. Instantly, diseases filled him and rot covered his armor...

HOW did the Chaos Marines present their offer? WHY did the POV character feel he had "no other option"? WHAT "personal reasons" weakened the POV character's faith in the Emperor?

 

This scene smacks of "telling" instead of "showing," a grievous mistake for writers. Why is it even here? If it's meant to inform readers WHY Arbitrus turned traitor, you should indicate this is a flashback, e.g., begin the scene with the sentence "Arbitrus remembered the moment when all his love for the Emperor and His Imperium turned to hate- when the Emperor's light no longer shined for him, forcing the Marine to beg the Chaos Gods for guidance out of the pit of despair he found himself in."

 

That wasn't Arbitrus. It wasn't Arbitrus in the last flashback scene either. And my attempts to be vague have been more confusing then I would have liked.

[Tarvek Val]

 

That wasn't Arbitrus. It wasn't Arbitrus in the last flashback scene either. And my attempts to be vague have been more confusing then I would have liked.

 

I had the suspicion that the Lord of Contagion was someone other than Arbitrus, but until you confirmed the fact I was still uncertain. It would be nice to know what happened to Arbitrus in the aftermath of his fight with Validor - does he die, is he imprisoned, does he drag himself off the battlefield while no one is looking? This can add a note of tension to the story; if we see an injured Arbitrus escape his former brothers, we will suspect that he still has some role to play in the story at large. Likewise, if we know that he is dead, we know that Validor is determined to do whatever it takes to uphold the honor of his brethren, even going so far as to personally kill a warrior he once considered a friend.

 

With regards to the last segment, it is a bit vague and unclear at parts, as you picked up on. I'm not sure who the Lord of Contagion is, or why his death means so much to Validor. The arrival of necrons was also a bit sudden - I know they are mentioned elsewhere in the story, but for them to show up right as Validor makes a run at his nemesis is suspect. I would advise trying to fill the reader in on these details - if the reader is confused upon reading the story, it makes it harder for them to become invested in the piece. The plot is good and I'm enjoying reading this piece, but I would love to see these little gaps in the details filled in.

[Bruce Malcom]

EIGHT WEEKS AFTER THE BEGINNING OF THE RED CALIBER CIVIL WAR

 

Captain Validor and his second-in-command, Captain Rectover, flew into a scarred battlefield in a Thunderhawk. It was a burnt and devastated imperial world, not specialized in any form of trade. It was about to become a Hive World when the forces of Chaos arrived. "Brother...we've been through many hardships...but we're brothers, before and after becoming Astartes." Validor started. "So I need you to hold fast! We're landing soon enough; get back there and rally your men!"

 

Rectover placed his hand in his shoulder. "Little brother, they're your men now. You'll lead us to victory, I know it."

 

-------------

Validor shakes his head, and retrieves a Boltgun from the wreckage. No time for nostalgic memories...I'm an Astartes. I must know when to forget my previous obligations and kinship.

 

He fires at a Necron Warrior as a Blight Drone approaches him. It prepares to fire, but a magnificent red streak cuts through the foul creature. An Adeptus Astartes had saved his life. He nods, almost approvingly, as he turns to face the horde of Chaos.

------------

Captain Rectover had deployed with nine normal Astartes, and two Intercessor Squads had decided to garrison themselves up top on some of the roofs. Validor had accompanied him, as wild screams filled the air.

 

"Bloodletters!" Rectover shouted as the Chaotic warriors of Khorne approached. Validor took out his master'-crafted Power Sword and cleaved into one, as the other Astartes fired from a safe distance. The Intercessors fired from their positions, and soon the Bloodletters were no more.

 

"Brother, did you...charge the...Khorne following warriors?" Rectover asked, dumbfounded. Validor took a moment to process this. "I...guess I did."

 

Rectover violently grabbed Validor. "YOU ARE A CAPTAIN NOW, LIKE IT OR NOT! Our Chapter-Master chose you to be his heir, and you can't be graced with that! You even fought your lieutenant promotion!"

 

Validor stood his ground. "I'm not a leader, Rectover. You are. I'm not a good fighter. You are. I don't possess great aim. You do. You are one of the greatest captains...I'm only to be remembered because of you."

 

Rectover picked him up. "No. You are Captain Validor, a prestigious title and a warrior strategist who doesn't give himself enough credit. Our Chapter-Master chose you...out of a thousand others...me included. You must rise to this occasion...save the Adeptus Astartes' honor...protect our rights as a chapter from the Inquisitors...you must defeat the heretics and slay the Xenos. You are a Captain. You are the Chapter-Master."

 

------------

Validor charges and slices through a dozen poxwalkers in a single swing of his sword. A few cultists prepare their stub guns, but the weaponry can not breach Astartes power armor. Validor slashes and hacks the cultists to death as he enters the Nurgle base...

 

------------

The Adeptus Astartes who were to bring Arbitrus to execution are dragging him across the floor, his blood streaking. "Astartes...I...I order you...to let me...your Captain...go."

 

One of the Astartes is shaking his head in response. "No, sir. You've been found guilty of siding with the enemy."

 

"I tried," He mutters, as he grabs one of the legs and trips the Astartes. He rolls forward and kicks the Astartes far. The soldier's flimsy form crashes through a wall before it stops. The other Astartes is too slow and before he knew it, Arbitrus is grabbing his Boltgun. He turns it around, and fires, killing the Astartes. He takes the gun and starts limping. "Gotta find...a communicator in...this joint..."

 

-----------

Validor found himself alone. They had entered the suspected base of the Chaos Cult, but along the way traps were placed and while harmless to Astartes, they were lost. He stumbled through a couple rooms before he finally came across a big chamber, with Rectover in the middle of it. "Brother...?" He asked.

 

Corrupted images lined the walls. Blood sacrifices, acts of pleasure and lust, great plagues, and grand plans finally coming to fruition.

 

"Brother...?" Validor tried again.

 

This time Rectover moved. "You ever wonder why, if the Emperor loves Mankind and is all-powerful, why are we given this fate of war and torment?"

 

"I...I know he has done it for a reason. The God-Emperor never makes mistakes."

 

He sighed. "What if...why, if he cares for humanity...if he cares for the children of humanity...why did he let mother die?"

 

Validor stood there, speechless. He, after a minute to think, placed his hand on his blood-brother's shoulder. "Maybe...it was her time. Maybe the God-Emperor spared her a worse fate." He then waited, and spoke again. "I am here for you, brother. I miss mother and I always will...but we are Adeptus Astartes. We have no time to act like children and we certainly cannot disgrace mother like this by talking about her in a place like here." The two brothers walked out, ready to face the next enemy.

 

-----------

Validor enters a dark chamber, with very dim lighting. He spots the Lord of Contagion. "Brother..." He says, grimly. "I thought you were dead."

 

The Lord of Contagion turns around slowly. "And you were the one who attempted to murder me...Brother-Captain Validor..."

 

Validor looks him dead on. "It's been so long since I've last seen you...decades...I knew you had become tainted but I did not take you for one who'd drop so low...to join Chaos..."

 

He laughs. "You are likely thinking...'What would mother have thought?'"

 

He stares, unfazed, his sword glowing a brilliant blue hue. "No, brother...I haven't thought of her in years. I am here to preserve the Adeptus Astartes. I am here to save our rights as a Chapter. I am here to lead my brothers to victory...and I will kill you to do so, traitor scum."

[Tarvek Val]

Good work on this latest entry, I really feel the story coming together quite nicely. 

 

A question I had as I was reading the first few sentences regards the leadership of Validor's original command, with Rectover as his second-in-command. Correct me if I am wrong, but Validor commands the First Company as a Captain, right? As such, it would be very unlikely for the company to have a second warrior holding the title of captain - eg Rectover. I can see him being a fallen Chaplain perhaps, with the forces of Nurgle as his new flock - or you could make upon a Chapter specific officer-title for him (Headsman, Master of Strategies, Hand of the Company, etc.). 

 

One other note - this segment would be easier to follow if it were split into three chunks.

1. Follows the past thread - Validor and Rectover make a flyby in the Thunderhawk, engage Khornate berserkers, find the center of the Chaos-Worshippers' base, Rectover laments his lost mother

2. Validor thinks to himself no more nostalgia, realizes the enemy is nearly upon him and engages the poxwalkers, fights his way to his brother and confronts him

3. As Validor prepares himself to fight his brother, we see Arbitrus re-enter the fray... surely nothing good can come of this!

 

The content is engaging and I'm enjoying the story's progression - with the slightest of format changes, something good can become even better. Good work so far! 

[Bruce Malcom]

Good work on this latest entry, I really feel the story coming together quite nicely. 

 

A question I had as I was reading the first few sentences regards the leadership of Validor's original command, with Rectover as his second-in-command. Correct me if I am wrong, but Validor commands the First Company as a Captain, right? As such, it would be very unlikely for the company to have a second warrior holding the title of captain - eg Rectover. I can see him being a fallen Chaplain perhaps, with the forces of Nurgle as his new flock - or you could make upon a Chapter specific officer-title for him (Headsman, Master of Strategies, Hand of the Company, etc.). 

 

One other note - this segment would be easier to follow if it were split into three chunks.

1. Follows the past thread - Validor and Rectover make a flyby in the Thunderhawk, engage Khornate berserkers, find the center of the Chaos-Worshippers' base, Rectover laments his lost mother

2. Validor thinks to himself no more nostalgia, realizes the enemy is nearly upon him and engages the poxwalkers, fights his way to his brother and confronts him

3. As Validor prepares himself to fight his brother, we see Arbitrus re-enter the fray... surely nothing good can come of this!

 

The content is engaging and I'm enjoying the story's progression - with the slightest of format changes, something good can become even better. Good work so far!

 

Thank you!

 

Yeah, Hand of the Chapter sounds nice. And Validor was Captain of the First Company, but he is technically the chosen Chapter-Master. But the events around the schism made him not want the title, and therefore Captain Validor is called Captain. Rectover is the new Captain of the First Company. Also, I intentionally had it jump back and forth to have obvious mirrors between the past and present, but I'm sure it would've looked better had it been what you described.

 

Also, I'm not sure I conveyed this properly; Validor and Rectover are actual brothers. Any tips on how to separate "Brothers, rally before me!" from "Yeah, that's my sibling."? Do Astartes even have terms for that?