---The Dead Rise Again---

[Tarvek Val]

I see what you were trying to do with the "mirroring" approach to storytelling and I applaud it, but with short segments it is easy to become confused over when segments are occurring in the timeframe. The best usages of the mirror approach that I've seen typically happen in novels or novellas, simply because you have a lot more space to 'set the stage' and ground the reader with support details. For example, providing a chapter from the perspective of Character A, then detailing the same events from the perspective of Character B in the next chapter to show the subtle differences in mindsets, behaviors, and goals. In this case, having a lengthy segment from Validor's perspective on why he feels himself unfit to be a leader, then a lengthy segment from his brother's POV detailing his feeling of loss over his mother's death, his feelings towards his brother, etc. 

 

Clearly, however, this isn't the time or place for a full-length novel - though you could certainly expand this piece into something much longer if you have the time and the desire. This isn't to say not to test out new writing strategies - you certainly should, while also being mindful of the reader, who doesn't have the advantage of sitting in your seat. You know these characters and the story better than anyone else ever could. 

 

As for V. and R. being brothers:

 

 

Validor stood there, speechless.

 

With one small edit, you can get across the fact that V. and R. are actual brothers: "Validor stood speechless for a moment, staring at his only true brother - his blood brother. His twin sibling, who he so vaguely remembered from the half-forgotten dreams of his youth, did not fail to meet his gaze."

     

Then continue with the dialogue about their shared mother. This makes the detail harder to miss. That said, it would be wise to thread hints of this reveal throughout earlier segments of the story; small sayings such as "the enemy was closer to V. than any other had ever been." That way, this doesn't come across as a sudden cliché, but rather an arc that the story was aiming for from the very beginning.

 

I hope this is useful to you - I don't mean to nitpick or lecture, but simply to share my reactions and what others have kindly taught me! 

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The recent chapter is confusing, because it mixes scenes that take place in the present, with those that took place in the past- flashbacks- making it difficult to follow. This is normally a bad thing, but you can make it work with some effort, e.g., make Validor a POV character who suffered a recent head injury or was subjected to a psychic attack, and via your narration, put us readers in Validor's shoes as he struggles with his temporal confusion- reliving the past, mistaking it as the present, and calling to the then-loyal Rectover for aid- and tries to orient his mind back into the present, with the chapter culminating in him facing the now-traitorous Rectover.

[Bruce Malcom]

"Well, look who's finally adopted his role...Validor, I admire your bravery. Your courage. But do not fool yourself for a moment. Our dynamic hasn't changed." Rectover taunts. "I am still superior to you in all. You wish to fight me? Your only true brother? The last remaining of our family?"

 

Validor readies his sword. "My family...is with my chapter. My brothers. You lost that honor when you joined Chaos." He swings.

 

Rectover blocks with a grisly rotten Chainsword, but the Chainsword is too damaged to activate. Validor kicks at Rectover, but then shockwaves shakes the base.

 

"Yours, I presume?" Rectover asks, with a mocking tone. Validor shakes his head. "I didn't order an air strike..."

 

Suddenly, the front doors fly past the two Astartes, revealing...a Red Caliber Land Raider.

 

Rectover laughs. "I see you lost the war!" He chuckles. Validor grimaces, as Arbitrus appears from behind the tank. "Validor! You really thought two Astartes could take me in?!" Arbitrus shouts. Rectover shakes his head in disappointment. "Arbitrus...it's been so long."

 

"Traitor scum! I shall kill you where you st-" Arbitrus begins, but a Necron gauss shot plows through him, killing the Astartes. The Land. Raider starts to fire at the approaching Xenos. Validor turns to fight Rectover as the damaged Chainsword slams into Validor's soft armor piece between his torso armor and shoulder pad. Validor grabs the Chainsword, rips it out, and swings it at Rectover. Another bomb lands and part of the ceiling collapses. "Come on, Validor! Give up! Leave, or join me!" Rectover asks, almost pleads. They were both in worry about the bombing run.

 

"I do not work with traitor scum, Rectover." Validor swings his power sword and stabs directly into Rectover's stomach. His bloated guts spill forward, and Rectover pulls out a rusted bolt pistol. "I'm so sorry, Validor."

 

BLAM! Validor stumbles back, the left side of his helmet is blown to bits.

 

Another bomb drops, and the rest of the ceiling collapses on top of the Astartes.

 

------------

EIGHT WEEKS AFTER THE BEGINNING OF THE RED CALIBER CIVIL WAR

 

Captain Rectover and Captain Validor had cleared ten more rooms of daemonic followers. "How many more levels to this base are there?" Rectover asked, tired. Validor remained vigilant and ready. "The number of rooms doesn't matter. The number of heretics does. We must make that number zero."

 

As the minutes turned to hours, it seemed no end was in sight...until the final room was cleared nine hours later.

 

The two blood brothers stepped out of the Chaotic establishment, covered in the blood of their enemies (though not on purpose). "Is...is that all?" Rectover asked. "Seemed like there would be more."

 

Suddenly, Red Caliber gunships and drop pods started to land. Thunderhawks raced across the sky. Validor radioed his fleet. "Send down troops! We must fend off the Red Calibers!"

 

-------------

Banished Brigade Astartes are extracting the rubble off of the Captain. Validor gets up, his armor is badly damaged. "Sir, you may need to get to an Engseer. He'll patch up your armor, Captain." The Lieutenant in the bunch says as Red Caliber bikes drive up a tilted wall from the destroyed base. "Fire upon those bikes!" Validor orders, and his men do so. He stumbles to a nearby Engseer. "Engseer, can you patch my armor up?"

 

"Chapt-I mean, Captain...I cannot assist you with that right now. We can order another suit of Gravis if you require," he responds. A Red Calibers Dreadnaught appears, wrecking the terrain and killing the Engseer. A Lascannon fires, blasting off one of the Dreadnaught's arm. Validor spots another bombing run. "TAKE COVER!" He shouts as it's payload lands, a massive explosion sends all of them flying.

-------------

"Validor! Can you here me?" Rectover asked as he picked his blood brother up. "Let us make father proud!" He shouted as he unloads a Heavy Bolter. Validor stood ready with a bolt pistol and power sword, shooting and slicing any Red Caliber who got too close.

 

Rectover is tainted...but he's my brother. Validor thought to himself. He said it himself. I am to purge the heretics...kill the traitors...I am a Captain. I am to make these hard choices, and I must always choose correctly...for the good of the Chapter...

 

Validor rose his power sword. "I'm so sorry, brother."

 

He struck, and Validor wept internally. But he was a Captain. An Adeptus Astartes. They are not supposed to have or show feelings.

-------------

"Retreat!" Validor orders. "We cannot face an entire chapter's forces! Not while it doesn't benefit us!" He shouts as Thunderhawks arrive for transport. As they leave, one is shot down. Validor and his men pray for their wellbeing.

-------------

Slonne pinches her forehead as the rumbling of engines fills the evening air. She walks over to the gate, now barricaded. "Hello, Captain. We saw the other imperial ships; you aren't welcome here anymore. Run, for your own sake! GET OUT OF HERE!"

 

Validor watches as she yells. "Return to our ship, tell the Fabricator-General to prepare the ship for Warp travel."

 

After the Thunderhawks left, Slonne cries. She was going to miss that Astartes Captain...

 

-------------

 

As the Red Calibers quelled the Necron threat, the planet almost broke, Necron ships left the planet. The remains of the Planetary Defense Force was turned into a Guard regiment, and Slonne was promoted and ordered to lead this new regiment.

 

The Chaos Warband Rectover led broke apart when news of his death met his soldiers.

 

The Banished Brigade continue their duty as Astartes, only contempt in death being duty's end, and being Astartes, they do not die easily.

 

 

-The End.

[Tarvek Val]

I'm slightly thrown for a loop here - to the best of my knowledge, the Banished Brigade are mentioned nowhere else in the story. Are these the Red Caliber that remained loyal to the Emperor, in contrast to those that sided with Arbitrus? If so, that needs clarification. The format, similar to that of the previous segment, is somewhat difficult to follow, with the mixing of past and present actions.

 

That said, I've enjoyed this piece. It's quite creative and innovative, and as long as you had fun writing it that's all that really matters. Good work!

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Question:

Why are you referring to Techmarines as "Engseer"? And why spell "Enginseer" (note the additional letters) that way?

The ending is adequate, but you should get a proofreader to go over your work BEFORE posting.

[Bruce Malcom]

I'm slightly thrown for a loop here - to the best of my knowledge, the Banished Brigade are mentioned nowhere else in the story. Are these the Red Caliber that remained loyal to the Emperor, in contrast to those that sided with Arbitrus? If so, that needs clarification. The format, similar to that of the previous segment, is somewhat difficult to follow, with the mixing of past and present actions.

 

That said, I've enjoyed this piece. It's quite creative and innovative, and as long as you had fun writing it that's all that really matters. Good work!

Thank you! The Banished Brigade (I'm sorry if I accidentally didn't name the star Chapter.) is the chapter Validor leads.

 

Yes. The Red Calibers broke apart, yadda yadda yadda, Validor's loyalist Astartes renamed themselves the Banished Brigade in light of their situation.

Question:

Why are you referring to Techmarines as "Engseer"? And why spell "Enginseer" (note the additional letters) that way?

The ending is adequate, but you should get a proofreader to go over your work BEFORE posting.

Yeah, I need a proofreader. And I wasn't referring to a Techmarine. I was referring to a AdMech tech-priest. Chapters have those, right? And it was kinda late and I must've misread the name Enginseer.

[Tarvek Val]

Enginseers typically deal with vehicles, aircraft, and starship repairs and refinements. They are most commonly attached to Imperial Guard regiments (particularly mechanized detachments), starships, or Mechanicum vehicles (Titans, command vehicles, etc.). In this case, a Techmarine or 'generic' tech-priest would be more appropriate when dealing with the maintenance of a Marine's wargear. That said, many Chapters (though not all) have serfs to handle menial tasks, such as the maintenance of wargear, arming rituals, etc. However, you probably wouldn't see a Chapter serf on the battlefield, to the best of my knowledge (though this, again, would likely vary by Chapter). 

[Bruce Malcom]

Enginseers typically deal with vehicles, aircraft, and starship repairs and refinements. They are most commonly attached to Imperial Guard regiments (particularly mechanized detachments), starships, or Mechanicum vehicles (Titans, command vehicles, etc.). In this case, a Techmarine or 'generic' tech-priest would be more appropriate when dealing with the maintenance of a Marine's wargear. That said, many Chapters (though not all) have serfs to handle menial tasks, such as the maintenance of wargear, arming rituals, etc. However, you probably wouldn't see a Chapter serf on the battlefield, to the best of my knowledge (though this, again, would likely vary by Chapter).

 

I was under the impression Enginseers were the 'generic tech-priest'. Ah well.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

A generic tech-priest would be titled "Magos" (plural: "Magi"), and be so extensively augmented, he/she would look literally inhuman.