The Wardens of Hades [Updated 07.24.2020]

[Messor]

It sounds great. The grim-dark is strong with this one. The expectations levied on recruits from other planets are a particularly nice touch.

 

 

 

In a world such as Aides, where isolation is a constant and the foe can take the infinite forms of the daemon, the ability to quickly adapt to the changing situation, to rapidly contextualize and re-contextualize every detail, and to make do with what few resources one has available on the moment -in one word, what the people of Aides call Phronesis- is the foundation of survival.

 

This sentence is understandable, but fairly unwieldy. I'd suggest splitting it up if possible. Also look like a couple of the paragraphs need another hard return between them.

[Allart01]

@Bjorn: the awakened limitations are taken from the new Marine codex, and are due to their indoctrination... It's a pretty cool bit of new fluff actually, called "beyond the Ultima Founding"! But thank you for reminding me the coolest name for the Butcher's nails!

And yes, that's the agoge - the world's most efficient educational system. :D

 

There's also a bit of Aristoteles in there, with Aides' own twisted version of the Nicomachean Ethics.

 

Phronesis (Ancient Greek: φρόνησῐς, romanized: phrónēsis) is an Ancient Greek word for a type of wisdom or intelligence. It is more specifically a type of wisdom relevant to practical action, implying both good judgement and excellence of character and habits, or practical virtue. (Taken from Wikipedia)

 

@Messor: really glad you like it! I'll think about the best way to rephrase that sentence.

Which paragraphs do you believe should be splitted?

Edited August 21, 2019 by The_Bloody

[Messor]

I think you've already got them split up, there are just a couple that are still butted up against the prior paragraph and could use one more defining space. It's the ones beginning with

 

 

 

In a world such as Aides...

 

and

 

 

 

At the moment, the Aidian System is...

[Allart01]

Doctrine

 

T

he Archontopouloi's combat doctrine has three principal tenets: mastery of void war, adaptability and the quest for personal glory in close combat. 

 

The first can be attributed to the nature of their homeworld. Since Aides is a sea world, its surface scattered with islands, participation in naval operation is a given in any of its inhabitant's life. Upon ascension, an Astartes substitutes the wooden ships and the sea for the metal walls of a spaceship and the blackness of the void, but his drill remains fundamentally unchanged, and is refined by a tireless and endless patrol of the skies under the Rift. The Wardens have thus developed a particular efficiency for fast and brutal boarding assaults against intruders, which they seek to intercept and neutralize as soon as they translate in their system. 

 

The second point, adaptability, should come to no surprise at this point of the account. In Aides' situation, the law of the frontier prevails, and the Chapter does whatever is needed to endure, as unorthodox as it may be. Most notably, is it not uncommon for the Chapter to requisition resources as needed from the system, and to intervene quite heavily in political affairs as it fits their wider scheme of survival. While this behavior would undoubtedly be met with censorship in Imperium Sanctus, it is far from uncommon in pars Nihilus, where contact with the wider Imperium may have been lost -like in this case- for more than a century. 

As previously stated, it is undoubtedly this isolation -alongside the unrelenting attrition/recruitment rate- that made a Chapter as young as the Wardens so susceptible to penetration from its homerworld's culture. The adoption of Phronesis as a cardinal doctrine is but one among its many consequences. The Archontopouloi have to be self sufficient by force, being cut off and under constant siege, and one could say that they turned a necessity into a virtue. Their flexibility serves them well against a foe as unpredictable as the Nephilla, and cunning is considered one of a warrior's most valuable qualities. Indeed, the Aidian canon contains as many stories about wits as it does about strength, courage or honor. 

This focus on self-sufficiency, problem solving and personal initiative has repercussions on the Chapter's command structure, which appears to be heavily based on personal bonds, trust and a commander's personal fame more than rank per se. A leader will command as much respect as his strategic history can grant him, and a lower ranking Astartes that doesn't trust in his superior's plan may well behave in a fashion that some would see as undisciplined, if not outright insubordinate. This is why a battleplan is often openly discussed beforehand with all of the ranking officers, dissecting and analyzing it before consensus is reached. Although such a procedure would seem inconvenient and inefficient -to say the least- to most Astartes Chapters, the Archontopouloi strongly maintain that this improves the quality of the plan and the battleforce's cohesion. Indeed, only the most successful and respected commanders can bypass such a process, an action which would otherwise be seen as outright disrespect by his warriors.

 

The third pillar of the Warden's doctrine is close combat. The Chapter has significant aggressive tendencies, and it's a collective opinion that true glory is to be found in melee, where the Emperor can witness their prowess and remember their name. 

This focus on close combat can be explained in a multitude of ways. Worthy of note is the mention of a Black Templars training cadre assigned to the awakened Chapter during the Indomitus Crusade, on the basis of their lack of actual experience and the officially common belonging to the line of Dorn. Another reason is the society from which the aspirants are prelevated, whose material culture is heavily tied to pre-industrial weaponry -we have mentioned the traditionalism of the phalanxes- and whose mind is filled with stories of heroes facing the darkness with the strength of their arms.

Aides' martial tradition focuses heavily on brotherhood, but also on individual glory, and although the Archontopouloi are as well coordinated and tightly knit as any other Chapter, their ultimate aspiration on the battlefield is to physically break the enemy in front of their brothers, so that their name may be remembered and their warrior legend spread. 

One can speculate that this desire for remembrance -and, on the opposite side of the coin, «fear» of oblivion- is itself due to the Chapter's isolation from the wider Imperium. Mankind shall never know the names of the heroes of Aides, nor shall the Bell of Lost Souls ever toll for one of them. As long as the Rift keeps them cut off from the realm of men, their brothers and their people will be the only ones to remember them - they, and the Immortal Emperor on his Golden Throne, regarded by the Archontopouloi as the ultimate witness and judge for their actions. 

Whatever the truth may be, the warriors of the Archontopouloi rush into battle with nothing less than joy, thirsty for personal glory in the eyes of the Emperor and their peers. When they engage the enemy a brutal fury is unleashed, with peaks of violence that echo the darkest rumors on the Chapter's origins.

 

 

 

Pic capture of a Wardens of Hades demi-squad during deployment. 

 

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The Doctrine section is well-written.

 

Nitpick:

The blank lines used to divide paragraphs in an *.html document, are missing in many places, rendering it a difficult-to-read "wall of text."

Good job on the Intercessors.

[Allart01]

This topic is almost a year old, and I decided it is time to complete it.

I am, after all, mostly happy with my Chapter so far.

 

I'll try to add two more sections over the summer, one about the Chapter's Organization (structure, heraldry, beliefs) and One for the Geneseed before calling this done.

 

I'd like to build and paint an Archontopouloi Combat Patrol aswell...

 

In the meantime, here is Lieutenant Heraklios!

 

Edited July 3, 2020 by The_Bloody

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Excellent work on the LT.

[The_son_of_Dorn]

Slick.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Just read your updated initial post. Nitpick:

Please add blank lines between each paragraph, so the IA will be easier to read. Remember, the tabs that distinguish paragraphs in a *.txt or *.doc file, are automatically deleted when the text is posted as an *.html file.

Fortress monastery: The Nekromanteion

I presume the fortress-monastery is named after this "ancient Greek temple of necromancy devoted to Hades and Persephone"? As Wikipedia states the name means "Oracle of the Dead," does the Chapter's Librarians frequently enter trances to prophecize the future, to better guide their brothers in wars to come?

[Allart01]

Thank you for the feedback, Bjorn!

Do you mean something like this?

 

Towards the end of the Indomitus Crusade, it became common practice to assign homeworlds on the edge of the Rift to the newborn Primaris Chapters.

These planets, now on the frontline in the war against Chaos, would become the base of operations and the main recruitment pool for the new forces of the Imperium.

 

The Wardens of Hades -simply known at the time as AACP1021, or «specimen 12»- received their own soon after the Liberation of Baal, in the Imperium Nihilus.

It was, in fact, from their new home that these warriors would get their name, and were reshaped by their assigned planet as much as their arrival would change its existence.

Aides, or Hades in low gothic, welcomed its new warriors as angels of salvation. The Cicatrix had turned it in a frontier world on the abyss, tortured and devastated by unending daemonic incursions and even traitor Astartes.

That this planet, whose technological level was akin to the pre-industrial eras of Holy Terra, could endure such punishment is a testimony to the strenght that made its sons a perfect stock for the Space Marines.

Although Aides had once been an agri-world of modest importance, the flesh and blood of its people were now everything it could offer to the Imperium in exchange for salvation.

Thus flesh and blood were, and still are, offered without respite.

 

Since this alliance was born, the Wardens have been waging a constant war of attrition against the madness gnawing at the edge of the Imperium Nihilus, far from the light of the Emperor and cut off from the realms of men.

They stand on the very gate to Hell, on the crumbling periphery of the Empire.

Stretched thin and ultimately insufficient for the defence of a whole sector of space, cut off from the rest of the galaxy along with their homeworld, they fight alone and forgotten.

 

By the way, yes - it is indeed my intention to have Oracles for the Chapter.

These will be Librarians focused on Divination, for sure, but I'm also tempted to include humans from Aidian society. 

After all, you do not need to be an Astartes to see the future and make weird prophecies!

[Allart01]

So... first draft for the Organization section!

I'm not really sure about the ideas I put in this one - one moment they sound cool, the next I think they're over the top and cheesy.

I'd definitely appreciate some feedback.

Heraldry and Geneseed to come next.

 

Organization

 

A

t a first glance, an imperial observer could find the Archontopouloi's organization to be confusing and inextricable; a matter further complicated by their «flexible» idea of command and approach to warfare.
Indeed, the Chapter maintains a plethora of titles to be bestowed upon a warrior for his deeds, each bearing associated privileges and responsibilities, such as Pod?k?s, Symbasileus or Pr?tonobelissimos. Transcripting every one of them, and translating their variations and nuances, would turn this account into a byzantine catalog of poetic epithets. For every practical intent and purpose, the reader should rather refer to the traditional Astartes structure.

The Archontopouloi remained in fact, at their core, a Codex compliant Chapter, changing little more than their titles to best suit their native tongue. They are thus organized in ten Tagmata, each led by a Despot and formally comprising a hundred warriors, with a Chapter Master bearing the title of Autokrator and holding command over all of them.

 

There are only two idiosyncrasies that would merit a real distinction to the eyes of the reader: the Chapter's Librarius and the distribution of their veteran warriors, the so-called Emperor's Own.

 

Most, if not all, of the Noble Sons' Librarians focus on the Divination discipline, frequently entering trances to look into the twisting strands of the Immaterium and offer wisdom and guidance to their brothers. These Oracles rarely leave the Nekromanteion, because their feverish dreams and constant struggle with the influence of the Great Rift leave them vulnerable and enfeebled, and their insights on the wars to come are valued far above any service they could render in battle. And yet, should the Theodosian Wall ever be breached, and the enemy enter the sacred halls of the Nekromanteion, it would fall upon these warrior-prophets to defend the inner citadel of their Monastery.

The Wardens take their prophecies with extreme seriousness, for more than once they have guarded the planet from ruin, and to receive a personal omen is a great honor for an individual. Yet, they rarely take them as pure dogma after all, Fate has a displeasing sense of humor, and the Archontopouloi know very well that the future is a double-edged sword.

 

Most notably, the Temple of the Nekromanteion does not exclusively host Astartes, but also a certain number of human seers. It is rather baffling that these individuals carry the same title, and receive the same religious respect, offered to their transhuman colleagues.

This notion illustrates once more the Chapter's closely knit relationship with its homeworld's population, but also their unapologetically practical nature: while most of their male Oracles undergo the blessed implantations that reshape them in Primaris Astartes, there is little reason to let 50% of the already small psychically gifted demographic go wasted. Many of the untranscended Oracles of the Chapter are thus women, offered to the Noble Sons by their superstitious parents and educated by the Librarius in the use of their powers as if they were fully inducted members. Off course, few survive the rigours of such training, but those who do become a highly valued asset for the Archontopouloi.

 

The second divergence from the standard Astartes organization is the absence of a First Company as conventionally intended. There is, clearly, a Tagma bearing that numeral designation, but it does not absolve a distinct function nor comprise a higher number of veteran Astartes than the others.

Instead, individual bands of élite warriors, called «The Emperor's Own» by their brothers, are scattered through every company, usually serving as the speartip for a shock assault.

Simply considering them as the equivalent to First Company Veterans, though, would not be true to their actual standing within the Chapter.

They are, in certain respects, more akin to the Death Companies of the Sons of Sanguinius, or the ancient Karash of the Great Khagan's horde: they undergo a ritual preparation before their Chaplains, taking a berserker's oath to seek a beautiful death in the battle to come. While they often are old and grizzled warriors, fueled by hate and a desire for vengeance, among their ranks are also dishonored brothers or new recruits striving to impress their peers. In any case, they know what is expected of them, and that the glory they will earn shall burn faster and brighter in the eyes of the Emperor.

They will fight under the Chaplain who accepted their oath their  Witness, as they call them. Not only are these leaders responsible for fuelling the zeal of their brothers; it is also their duty to record and compose the epics and poems celebrating the heroes of the Chapter, which they will later chant into battle to inspire their warriors for yet greater deeds.

Every member of the Archontopouloi, then, knows there is no better way to live forever in his Chapter's history than to prove himself in front of those who bear witness.

 

Considering its current situation, it is impossible to clearly define the assets controlled by the Chapter. One can infer that they are remarkably well-equipped, in spite of their difficulties, thanks to the presence of the forge-station Thàlassa, left by their Adeptus Mechanicus tutors with abundant supplies and numerous Tech-adepts.

Still, the Warden's protacted isolation threatens to deplete such resources sooner rather than later, and in its ruthless struggle for survival, the Chapter has been rumored to be appropriating civilian and mercantile assets in its region to supplement its diminishing reserves.

 

This is but one of the murmurs surrounding the Archontopouloi. Some of the individuals calling for a closer scrutiny mantain that Thàlassa is some sort of communication device, one that would allow Archmagos Cawl to monitor a forbidden creation through its copious personnel. This is obviously an impossibility, considering the warp-storms that drown the Eusinian Sector in the coldest silence.

 

A more likely sin to be commited by the Archontopouloi is that of over-recruitment.

We have already mentioned the catastrophical attrition rates suffered by the Chapter, and the positive dispositions of its human stock and geneseed can only go so far in explaining its continued existence. The numbers provided incomplete and outdated as they may be- do not match with any estimation of what a Chapter could suffer before becoming functionally extinct; in fact, they grossly exceed it.

The involvement of a Black Templars training cadre in the Chapter's infancy may very well have left an imprint on the matter, but until the Wardens remain shrouded in the tides of the Great Rift, no definitive answer can be provided.

 

 

 

Bonus WIP: as-of-yet-unnamed Despot of the Third Tagma.

Edited July 16, 2020 by The_Bloody

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The additional details are welcome. For the unnamed Despot, may I suggest the name "Tisiphonos", after the Fury who punished murderers? Edited August 10, 2020 by Bjorn Firewalker

[Allart01]

Thanks, Bjorn! I like Tisiphonos. We have a name for the Despot :)

 

May I ask what you think about the Oracles, especially the human part? I'm not really sure about that idea.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

I think the Oracles should be organized into shifts, so they may have a direct presence on the battlefield. One shift will be at the Nekromanteion; a second will be in induced comas, so they may recover from the strain of maintaining the Theodosean Wall; a third will be deployed on the battlefield, exercising to strengthen them in preparation for their next shift at the fortress-monastery. (I'm assuming the "Theodosean Wall" is a psychic barrier, possibly one that counters scrying, so the enemy won't know the Chapter's secrets. Says a lot that the first shift is under greater mental and physical strain than the third, doesn't it?)

[Allart01]

Thanks for the feedback, Bjorn.

It is always appreciated :)

 

I'm getting closer to completing the first draft.

Only Geneseed is missing now!

 

After that, I'll re-read the completed work and perhaps add some artworks of Thalassa and and the Oracles.

 

 

Heraldry

 

W

hen the Chapter was founded on Mars, it was organized according to the Codex Astartes, and this included standard-issue heraldic patterns and iconography. That is the foundation still in place after a century of service, albeit with some slight deviations and idiosyncrasies that reflect the praxis of the Wardens of Hades.

 

The Chapter's symbol, a collared hound facing towards the enemy, was officially adopted after their assignment on Aides. The figure of Kerberos, a hound who stood guardian over the gates of Hell according to ancient Terran myth, must have been brought by the planet's first settlers and persisted in the following centuries. The Wardens must have seen him as a fitting metaphor -after all, they truly are the guardians of Hell, considering their defensive role upon the edge of the Great Rift.

Their adversaries object that such heraldry has been assigned from birth, and bears striking similarities to that of the expunged Warhounds Legion. After ten thousand years of censure and lost legacies, though, such observations appear paranoiacally biased. Has no Chapter ever used an eagle or a skull as its symbol, since the accursed IIIrd and XIVth turned from His light? Aren't the Silver Skulls honored and undisputed descendants of Lord Guilliman, despite an appearance far more damning than that of the Archontopouloi?

There is little reason to suspect a beast as common as a hound, and turn it into evidence for linkage to a forgotten proto-Legion unrelated to the XIIth's betrayal.

 

The Kerberos iconography can vary in shape and colour. The standard heraldry has a red hound over a blue field: red, for the sacrifice they are ready to make; blue, for the seas of the worlds they are sworn to protect. Novices must earn the right to bear this symbol, so the pauldron of a fresh recruit is left of a plain blue. On the other hand, veterans and honored warriors can display a golden hound, and/or a bronze faceplate each element contributing to an individual's displayed prestige.

From there, a warrior is free to personalize his suit, putting the many artisans of his homeworld to task. A widespread element among commanding cadres is a vertical crest, along with weapons and items recalling their native material tradition.

 

Many among the Archontopouloi adorn their armors with kill marks, hoplitic-styled helmets produced on Thàlassa and chains. The latter are likely a product of their ties to the Black Templars, but the Wardens have enriched them with an abundance of additional meanings.

Firstly, they reinforce the Kerberos motif, for the beast was bound to the gates of the underworld.

Secondly, they represent a limit or forbidden passage to the enemy. It should be noted that the Castellans of the Rift, another Ultima Founding Chapter with analogous duties to the Archotopouloi, employ them in their heraldry with a similar meaning.

Most importantly, they indicate an oath taken or an oath completed. When a Warden undertakes a specific task or makes a solemn vow, he is bound to it upon penance of death, and indicates this with one or more chains wrapped around his armor. When this oath is officially completed, the warrior takes off the phisycal chains and includes them in his heraldry instead, indicating that he is Unchained and has satisfied his honor's requests.

It is extremely hard for an outsider to obtain such an oath, for the Archontopouloi do not give them lightly: the only known organization to have received such privilege are the Black Templars. Once a warrior of Aides has given his word, though, nothing short of death will stop him from keeping it.

Edited July 16, 2020 by The_Bloody

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The additional details are mostly imaginative and well-written, though I have questions regarding the following lines:

Novices must earn the right to bear this symbol, so the pauldron of a fresh recruit is left of a plain blue.

I think the hound should be present, so a recognizable symbol will allow easy identification, minimizing the chance of friendly fire. If you want to distinguish the recruits, how about using a white hound, to show they've yet to shed blood for the Chapter?

When this oath is officially completed, the warrior takes off the phisycal chains and includes them in his heraldry instead, indicating that he is “Unchained” and has satisfied his honor's requests.

Are chains painted on the "Unchained" warrior's pauldron, as part of his heraldry? Edited July 16, 2020 by Bjorn Firewalker

[Allart01]

The additional details are mostly imaginative and well-written, though I have questions regarding the following lines:

Novices must earn the right to bear this symbol, so the pauldron of a fresh recruit is left of a plain blue.

I think the hound should be present, so a recognizable symbol will allow easy identification, minimizing the chance of friendly fire. If you want to distinguish the recruits, how about using a white hound, to show they've yet to shed blood for the Chapter?

When this oath is officially completed, the warrior takes off the phisycal chains and includes them in his heraldry instead, indicating that he is “Unchained” and has satisfied his honor's requests.

Are chains painted on the "Unchained" warrior's pauldron, as part of his heraldry?

 

 

Thanks!

 

The blank pauldron is inspired by a World Eaters tradition taken from the HH Book 1: Betrayal. 

I kind of like it a lot for its dismissive implications - if you haven't proved yourself (again!) you aren't one of us yet.

And we don't care if you die trying.

Kind of fits for a Chapter with high attrition rates, wouldn't you agree?

 

The chains are painted as part of the heraldry, yes. You can see them already on some of the models. Good to have them on a certain decal sheet.. :P

[Allart01]

Geneseed

 

U

nsanctioned requisitions, overrecruitment, ambiguous heraldic analogies. None of this stands up to the darkest rumor surrounding the Archontopouloi.

The origin of their Geneseed cannot be considered a vexata quaestio, for their existence is seldom remembered outside of their realm, and most observers are content to let them be. After all, from what can be gathered from the erratic reports leaving Imperium Nihilus, their dedication to keeping the Eusinian sector in existence is nothing less than exemplar. Most importantly, even if one wanted to verify the hearsay surrounding them, the raging storms of the Cicatrix Maledictum would make him pay for his curiosity with an odyssey in Hell.

And yet, the Wardens of Hades do have their adversaries, perhaps even in the highest echelons of Imperial power. Should the storms that shroud their domain ever dissipate, more than an inquiring eye would be turned in their direction.

 

Officially, the Wardens of Hades are descendants of the Imperial Fists.

Indeed, they match with many of the predispositions associated with Dorn's lineage: they have been manning their wall for a century, both metaphorically and physically; they fortified the mighty Theodosian Wall according to the doctrines of their Primarch. and they are distinguished void commanders. Like many sons of Dorn, they even show a tendency to self-sacrifice in battle, as illustrated by their Emperor's Own.

There is no denying that they have more violent tendencies than most of their brothers, but this just brings them closer to the Black Templars or the head-taking Executioners, of undoubted VIIth Legion stock.

Their perfectly functioning Betcher's Gland and Sus-an Membrane, commonly degraded among the sons of Dorn, are little proof to the contrary. It is known that Archmagos Cawl employed Geneseed of the purest stock, extracted from the original and uncorrupted DNA of the Primarchs contained in the Sangprimus Portum: every Primaris Astartes, then, has all of his implants in perfect health, regardless of lineage.

What's more, an official inquiry has been conducted upon insistence from Lord Inquisitor Daval, and the Archontopouloi Geneseed preserved on Mars was indeed confirmed to be of dornian descent. Off course, some still murmour that the experiment has been counterfeited by Cawl-affiliated Adepts, but doubts have since been mostly put to rest.

 

And yet there are still those who doubt. In the humble opinion of the author, such rumors are nothing more than that - paranoia and conspiracies stemmed from this time of tribulation.

What evidence they can offer for their accusations is mostly based on the psychological profiling of the XIIth Legion offered by the Remembrancer A.K. This includes a competitive and hot blooded demeanor, with aggressive tendencies and maniacal joy experienced in the thick of battle.

Other aspects overlap with typically dornian qualities -such as a fierce tenacity, or a nihilistic perspective on their forlon-hope situation. Still, there is little reason to explain all of this using Geneseed, rather than the homeworld's cultural outlook this account has tried to provide. After all, the Archontopouloi do have other and better traits, like an apparently strong sense of humor in the face of death, that have nothing to do with their genes, and possibly define them more than their teleological aggression.

 

If a single concession to these arguments can be made, it would be about the exceptional rapidity of the Chapter's induction process. It is known that the dreaded XIIth tinkered with its own gene-stock during the Horus Heresy, using dark rituals and forbidden technologies to bypass and dramatically hasten the natural limits of Astartes creation. The Legion was thus allowed to quickly produce unrefined demi-gods to throw in its endless warfare; a meatgrinder not dissimilar to the one experienced by the Archontopouloi.

This project has undoubtedly tainted and perverted the original geneseed created by The Emperor, and the prospect of a Chapter derived from such stock would be worrying indeed.

It is not believable, though, that Archmagos Cawl would employ a similar abomination in his blessed work. As we already said, all of the genetic material used for the Ultima Founding comes from the Sangprimus Portum, and shows no sign of minimal deviation or corruption. The exceptional stability and success of Archonopouloi Geneseed is better explained as a Primaris characteristic; a success -rather than a sin- of Archmagos Cawl, with a fortuned match later found in the population of Aides. This does not excuse the Chapter from all of the accusations sent in their way if anything, it makes the accusation of over-recruitment seem even more likely.

 

Astartes can develop no more than two Progenoids at a time, and those are normally harvested after death. The process of organ implantation, then, takes no less than 15 different phases to be conducted, if hastened, in a minimum time span of three years, yielding most likely sub-optimal results. Considering the institutional limit of 1000 Astartes imposed by the Lord Regent's Codex, and the uninterrupted attrition suffered for a century by the Chapter, it becomes sadly apparent that the numbers don't lie, and they spell disaster for it.

It must be considered, though, that the ferocious Warp storms of Imperium Nihilus prevent the Chapter from sending its regular gene-thite to Mars. 5% of their gene stock is then likely kept in activity, and this increased availability should be accounted for. It is also possible that, foreseeing the problems that would be posed by the Chapter's situation, an unusually high amount of the original Mars-cultivated Geneseed had been store in Thàlassa's vault.

 

Even if it wanted, the Chapter could not reply to these accusations. The maddening tides of Imperium Nihilus, at the rotting edge of humanity's Empire, shroud them in eternal silence.

Should the truth ever be discovered, it may very well be on a barren planet, scoured of all life; the forgotten theatre of a war long-lost.

 

The Chapter knows this and embraces its struggle, always smirking in the face of the Rift.

 

The Emperor shall know their names.

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

And this is the first draft completed!

I'll admit, it feels pretty good.

 

I'd be happy to know your comments!

The IA on a whole seem to be overly long, and some cuts may be necessary.

Anyway, now that I have it done, a complete revision is not too hard of a prospect.

Artwork to hopefully come in August :)

 

[KBA]

Love what you’ve got so far. I’ve even taken out Cerberus from my IA as IMHO you’ve done it better, trying it into your Chapter’s culture more seamlessly. It might be a tad too long overall. Keeping inline with official non-legion IA’s, length should remain under 4,000 words— though this isn’t a hard rule. Cleaning it up with some sidebars will help break up the text walls and make it more digestible.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The "Gene-seed" section is well-written, providing excuses believable to the Imperium's general public. As it's written from a biased POV instead of a neutral one, I think you should make up a title and an author, e.g. "Statement by Fullible Gool, Acolyte of the Ordo Hereticus of His Immortal Majesty's Most Holy Inquisition, to his master, Inquisitor Prosy Nick, on 030.M42."

[Allart01]

Love what you’ve got so far. I’ve even taken out Cerberus from my IA as IMHO you’ve done it better, trying it into your Chapter’s culture more seamlessly. It might be a tad too long overall. Keeping inline with official non-legion IA’s, length should remain under 4,000 words— though this isn’t a hard rule. Cleaning it up with some sidebars will help break up the text walls and make it more digestible.

 

Well, I am... humbled. Thank you very much, KBA!

That means quite a lot.

 

And you are absolutely right: this first draft came out excessively long, at more than 7k words. 

I believe this has to do with my obsession of not providing enough context/information in everything I write, so I always end up overcompensating.

There are, surely, repetitions and verbose paragraphs that can be made tighter and lighter.

I'll try to give it all a proper editing during the summer - 4k, or 5k AT MOST, will be my goal.

 

 

The "Gene-seed" section is well-written, providing excuses believable to the Imperium's general public. As it's written from a biased POV instead of a neutral one, I think you should make up a title and an author, e.g. "Statement by Fullible Gool, Acolyte of the Ordo Hereticus of His Immortal Majesty's Most Holy Inquisition, to his master, Inquisitor Prosy Nick, on 030.M42."

 

I should indeed.

More than one paragraph has been written with this assumption, and now I realize I've never made it explicit.

I'll make sure to rectify it in the next phase.

 

I'd like to thank you once more, Bjorn. It's good to know I can count on your feedback, big or small, when I post my stuff.

I appreciate it.

Edited July 17, 2020 by The_Bloody

[Allart01]

First post updated.

I've managed to cut something like 1000+ words - a whole Chapter's worth!

This is still on the tediously long and verbose side, I am sure.

But hear me out...

 

As I started playing with Brother Tyler's [amazing!] pdf templates, and considered what I wanted from my article, I concluded that the Heresy Format was the right one for me.

I was happy with that level of granularity, and as Bjorn made me notice, I was already (somewhat unconsciously) using the fake historian/archivist POV rather than the Omniscent Narrator of classical IA.

Perhaps we've found out what that "Index Apocripha" that I placed at the top will stand for

Edited July 24, 2020 by The_Bloody

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The model looks great!

[KBA]

Going to give this a good thorough read, but I need to ask: is the Kill ‘em All Chapter Motto a refernce to X-Files or Metallica? Bonus points either way.

[KBA]

Loved it. It was really fun to read from the non-semi-omnipotent, biased viewpoint of a historian believed to be absolutely trapped on the wrong side of the Rift. Really brought out the dark of the current setting— the nugget of gold that some are missing about the advance in time.

 

Spear of The Emperor spoiler:

 

This chapter reminded me of one on the fast track to receive the same treatment from the Inq. the Lions got in Spear of The Emperor. Which is awesom

 

I really liked the time you sunk into the Homeworld. By far that section oozed the most character, as it should, and you really set up well some unique aspects of the relationship between mortal and Astartes on Hades. The idea of a pre-feudal level society actually having their mythology come true right before their eyes with the daemons and the Astartes was awesome.

 

I think if you wanted to you could cut it down a little more, but the voice of the narrator for your article is more important than in most others, so it’s good to leave some fat on the bone there— even at the start too with really setting up the official fluff setting of the Great Rift at length.

 

One thing that brought me out of the article a couple times was the use of ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ as the narrator addresses the reader:

 

Of the Archontopouloi's geneseed we shall talk in greater detail elsewhere

Might just be personal preference but hey, if I’m mentioning grammar choices in my critique you know you’ve done well :)