Defenders of Lornage

[Bruce Malcom]

'Twas a starry night, lit by a campfire crudely made on a beach. The endless slice of sand stretched for not too far, for in the horizon it curved into a grassy hill and atop that hill were porcelain white structures where mortal humans lived. If you looked hard enough you could see a curfew was set up, with PDF marching through the streets, and even a Chimera would pop up occasionally. There were walls being built, with the insignia of a shield occasionally plastered on the metallic, unfitting barrier surrounding the small town.

 

This was because accursed Orks had been spotted nearby, and they did not need innocent people dying when the first shots were fired. That was the order of Planetary Governor of the planet Lornage, Ezperenzo Domingue, anyway.

 

Nearby on the beach were sons of Dorn named Imperial Shields. They had a good base set up, with the full setup. Turrets, places for pods to land, and much more. There were twenty marines stationed in there, five not fully augmented and therefore scouts, and a single apothecary.

 

The leader of the operation, Lieutenant Markan Dulgus, was an old vet from a pervious era within the chapter's history, and held a heavy burden with that past.

 

As the Astartes all checked on equipment and used Vox communications to keep the chapter on tabs, a lone scout asked Markan a question. "What was your most glorious moment in combat?"

 

Markan thought long and hard. There was the one time he bashed a Traitor Marine's skull in with a guardsman's lasgun, the very kind the marine had mocked only a moment before. Or perhaps the time he grabbed and threw one of those Tau drones into a Hammerhead's thrusters, knocking it off course into it's allied Crisis Suit? Or maybe the time he slammed an Ork onto another Ork's looted Chainsword, shoved the Chainsword onto it's wielder, turned it on, and watched as they all erupted into a volcano of Xenos gore.

 

But Markan responded with "I have none."

 

The scout questioned further. "Surely you have one, sir? Considering your age and rank -" Markan was done with being asked this questions! Perhaps he does not want to share! Perhaps-

 

"Recruit Dobbman, you have one. Last. Question. Make it count. Do not ask me the same damnable questions you know the answer to," he said in a cold, harsh tone worthy of Russ' pups.

 

Dobbman pondered, then asked. "What was the chapter like in it's last form? They always said this is the second life of the chapter, but no one ever told us what came before."

 

Markan looked around and asked, "Did they tell none of ya what happened? Against the Tyranids?"

 

Everyone perked up at this. Markan had spoke of the bugs, those dastardly Xenos. "Are they here?", "prepare the Flamers!", and "Genestealers! Did they get to the town?!"

 

Markan growled, and everyone hushed. "I can't believe Darian didn't tell everyone to spread the word of what happened that day..."

 

"Two hundred and fifty-three years ago the Tyranids attacked us. Then, we were just assassins in Astartes armor, doing the work of Corvax's sons and not our duty as Dorn's sons! We were unprepared, we had no structures, no turrets, no backup either! No one wanted to help us for we were damnable stuckup, pardon my Space Wolf, milksops to everyone and no one wants to help anyone like that. So those bugs came down...wave after wave...bolt after bolt...Astartes after Astartes. And everyone...like that...was dead. Eight hundred, forty-two were down there. Two hundred exact came back. And from there...the replacement assassins, us Crushing Hammers...were broken. Shattered. We rebuilt ourselves and became the Imperial Shields. Now, we seek to build, to fortify, to prepare and defend so never again will a foe catch us in such a weak position."

 

Markan sat down after that. He was done with that story, his past...yet he knew, he knew to remember it for to remember is to learn. And he never wanted to forget his lesson from that day.

 

A scout comes bursting in, bloodied and with a giant wound on his stomach. The apothecary went right to work as the scout said, "They're here. They blew up the bike and they-"

 

His words were interrupted, killed even, by a single piercing cry.

 

 

WAAAAGH.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

A good start, though there is room for improvement.

 

Suggested corrections:

knocking it off course into it's allied Crisis Suit?

shoved the Chainsword onto it's wielder, turned it on, and watched as they all erupted into a volcano of Xenos gore.

What was the chapter like in it's last form?

IIRC, "it's" is a contraction of "it is". The possessive form of "it" is "its"- note the apostrophe is omitted.

 

Also, "xeno" does not need to be capitalized. When used as a descriptor, the "s" can be omitted.

Did they tell none of ya what happened?

Fantasy Flight Games' Deathwatch rulebook suggests Space Marines talk in a very formal manner, likely due to the psycho-indoctrination and hypnotherapy- literal brainwashing- they undergo during the process of becoming an Astartes. The sentence should be rewritten as "Were none of you informed of what happened?"

I can't believe Darian didn't tell everyone to spread the word of what happened that day...

They're here.

Again, Space Marines talk in a very formal manner; they should avoid using contractions.

Two hundred exact came back.

Don't you mean "Exactly two hundred exact came back," (emphasis mine)?

[Bruce Malcom]

A good start, though there is room for improvement.

 

Suggested corrections:

knocking it off course into it's allied Crisis Suit?

shoved the Chainsword onto it's wielder, turned it on, and watched as they all erupted into a volcano of Xenos gore.

What was the chapter like in it's last form?

IIRC, "it's" is a contraction of "it is". The possessive form of "it" is "its"- note the apostrophe is omitted.

 

Also, "xeno" does not need to be capitalized. When used as a descriptor, the "s" can be omitted.

Did they tell none of ya what happened?

Fantasy Flight Games' Deathwatch rulebook suggests Space Marines talk in a very formal manner, likely due to the psycho-indoctrination and hypnotherapy- literal brainwashing- they undergo during the process of becoming an Astartes. The sentence should be rewritten as "Were none of you informed of what happened?"

I can't believe Darian didn't tell everyone to spread the word of what happened that day...

They're here.

Again, Space Marines talk in a very formal manner; they should avoid using contractions.

Two hundred exact came back.

Don't you mean "Exactly two hundred exact came back," (emphasis mine)?

 

Mostly the caps are autocorrect. It's always a hard process to fix it. And I almost always type on mobile, feel my pain. Laptop is usually not available when I feel the urge to tell tales in the 41st millennium, weirdly enough. As for Markan's speech patterns, he's an old old vet and each place where they perform recruitment is different (the main ship does all the normal stuff, Revival Palace is a bit more lenient and it enforces the idea of responsibility for those weaker then you...ect. etc.), he was recruited on the fly, back when they were Hammers. Most of the process was skipped, but since they took from a planet that would likely be prime for Space Wolves, he's rough, ragged, and doesn't like to suga-coat his Emperor-damn speech, ya milksop. 

[Bruce Malcom]

The Imperial Shields, the Astartes, loaded up into their Rhinos and drove forward into the city. A lascannon fired from within the town, knocking the only spottable Ork aircraft out of the sky. The plane crashed into the nearby hills.

 

"Orks, striking in the middle of the night. It's almost like they have tactics, the xenos scum," Dobbman said harshly.

 

Markan growled. "Don't underestimate the Orks...especially now. Everything's escalatin', don't fall behind."

 

The Rhinos unloaded four Astartes to the east portion of the town, eight at the main gate at the west, three on the top spire, and the rest on the south portion of the city. The north side was where the Rhinos parked, and the Rhinos were equipped with autocannons.

 

PDF scrambled to defensible positions, and then the Orks came.

 

A large Ork war party came in with a platoon of vehicles.

 

Markan, at the south from where they came, started barking orders. "Dobbman! Get that rocket launcher and start killing Orks! Sejanus, man the heavy bolter turret! PDF, I want you all on as a firing line! Get on the wall!" Finally, the first shots collided with the wall. "FIRE, DAMMIT! FIRE!" 

 

Valkyrie gunships flew overhead, and fired at the Trukks but they were all shot down pretty quickly. Finally Dobbman fired and a rocket spiraled into a Trukk, blowing it up into a ball of fire, as the rest all screamed WAAAAAGH!

 

Sejanus' bolts blew off two front tires on one of the Trukks, knocking it out of control and finally crashing and burning with three other smaller Ork vehicles.

 

The PDF all fired simultaneously, slamming an Ork gunner off his turret, taking out an immediate threat.

 

Markan grunted as he lifted a rocket launcher. "Here we go..." He proceeded to fire, knocking a trukk and four bikes backwards, all of them blowing up. About half of the Ork platoon managed to survive the opening salvo, and slammed through the walls and entered the town. Markan screamed through his vox. "They broke in! The damnable Orks are in the town!"

The Imperial Shields in the spire all fired their stalker bolters, while one fired a lascannon. Two orks fell dead while their trukk exploded in spectacular fashion. The only three Arbites in the whole town met them with boltgun fire, while one snuck behind with a shotgun. Their combined efforts managed to kill four orks before themselves dying in melee combat. The Astartes at the front gate met their own challengers.

 

As the trukks broke open the gate, the marines all threw Krak grenades within the cabin of the vehicles, exploding and destroying the vehicles. However, four orks survived and met each Astartes there in melee combat.

 

As most of the civilians were being ushered out of the town by the PDF, and into secure underground tunnels to the main city, the entrance to the subways were shut prematurely due to an explosion.

 

Ork bombers were flying above the town, and they blew the spire. Three Astartes were dead, and seventeen remained to defend the survivors from this revived ork attack.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Good job.

Valkyrie gunships flew overhead, and fired at the Trukks but they were all shot down pretty quickly.

WHAT shot down the Valkyries? You should specify the Orks have Flakkatrakks or Flakkatrukks.

[Bruce Malcom]

It had been half an hour since the initial attack, and the seventeen Astartes had been cut off from their supporting ship. They had rounded up all the remaining civilians, about a hundred and five, in the underground bunkers under the town. Luckily the underground base was constructed when the system was being battered by ship cannons, about two thousand years prior, so no Ork Bombers could ever penetrate them.

 

Markan and Dobbman were surrounded by thirty civilians, and Dobbman scoffed. "We're Astartes. We don't belong here, with the mortals."

 

Markan looked at Dobbman. "Don't forget, rookie. You're human too. Doesn't matter that you're immortal, because you'll die a little slower than them, that's all. No Astartes besides that Blood Angel's ever touched another millennium. And no single Astartes was ever saved because he was an arrogant and self-centered big target, so quit your 'holier than thou' attitude, because you aren't the Emperor, and ye might live past yer 250s."

 

Dobbman was quiet for another thirty minutes, when the Orks came a'knocking. Their cries of war were crude, fearsome, and frightening, for a normal person.

 

But these weren't normal people, they were Astartes.

 

As the Orks busted through the bunker doors, Dobbman pulled out his shotgun and fired. The spray slammed into a smaller Ork, killing him. Markan pulled out his heavy boltgun, and fired away, shredding Orks left and right. He ran up to the last one, a big one, and kicked it back. As it was already peppered with bolter rounds, it fell over with the forceful kick and died.

 

Dobbman shook his head. "Brother Markan, if we are so strong, so mighty, so fearless, why are we considered no greater than mortals? You just kicked the largest Ork I've ever seen backwards and it died!"

 

Markan growled. "Because I hit it with a spray of bolter rounds seconds prior to kicking it. A mortal could've done the same feat, given training and the right equipment. Your geneseed, while it has it's perks, is a crutch! Sure, I'm incredibly powerful compared to a guardsman but without this geneseed I am still strong, because I still train, still push my superhuman body to it's limits. Do not forget that."

 

Just then, a Techmarine came running in. "Brothers! I have fixed our vox communicators! Unfortunately...the walls are too thick and the fix is not perfect. We must reach higher grounds."

 

Dobbman groaned in disbelief. "There's a whole army of them above us, techmarine. We can't-"

 

Markan interrupted. "Give us the communicator, we'll get the job done. Get me brother Sejanus and we'll be on our way."

 

The techmarine nodded and ran off. Dobbman looked dumbfounded. "Brother Markus...why?"

 

Markan grabbed Dobbman. "Where's your Astartes pride now, scout? If you're so tough, so mighty, so fearless, why aren't you cocking your shotgun and WAITING FOR ORDERS?!" Markan thrust him back. "And you will refer to me as brother-lieutenant from now on, scout."

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The scenes are good, and set up the next ones very well.

 

Nitpicking, with my emphases:

Markan pulled out his HEAVY BOLTGUN, and fired away, shredding Orks left and right.

Do you mean "heavy bolter," "bolt rifle," or something different, e.g., an HK417 to the boltgun's HK416, chambered to fire heavy bolter ammunition (approx. 25mm in diameter) instead of boltshells (.75 caliber, approx. 20mm in diameter)?

"And you will refer to me as brother-lieutenant FROM NOW ON, scout."

Why wasn't Dobbman referring to Markan as "Brother-Lieutenant" previously? I doubt any Space Marine officer (with the notable exception of the Space Wolves') will tolerate such informality or implied disrespect for rank.

[Bruce Malcom]

The scenes are good, and set up the next ones very well.

 

Nitpicking, with my emphases:

Markan pulled out his HEAVY BOLTGUN, and fired away, shredding Orks left and right.

Do you mean "heavy bolter," "bolt rifle," or something different, e.g., an HK417 to the boltgun's HK416, chambered to fire heavy bolter ammunition (approx. 25mm in diameter) instead of boltshells (.75 caliber, approx. 20mm in diameter)?

"And you will refer to me as brother-lieutenant FROM NOW ON, scout."

Why wasn't Dobbman referring to Markan as "Brother-Lieutenant" previously? I doubt any Space Marine officer (with the notable exception of the Space Wolves') will tolerate such informality or implied disrespect for rank.

 

Heavy Bolter...so twin-linked Bolter.

 

He didn't mind, remember he's like the least formal Space Marine outside Russ' Wolves, so he didn't mind until he became disgusted by Dobbman's cowardly yet bragging stance on Astartes-hood.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

 

The scenes are good, and set up the next ones very well.

 

Nitpicking, with my emphases:

Markan pulled out his HEAVY BOLTGUN, and fired away, shredding Orks left and right.

Do you mean "heavy bolter," "bolt rifle," or something different, e.g., an HK417 to the boltgun's HK416, chambered to fire heavy bolter ammunition (approx. 25mm in diameter) instead of boltshells (.75 caliber, approx. 20mm in diameter)?

"And you will refer to me as brother-lieutenant FROM NOW ON, scout."

Why wasn't Dobbman referring to Markan as "Brother-Lieutenant" previously? I doubt any Space Marine officer (with the notable exception of the Space Wolves') will tolerate such informality or implied disrespect for rank.

Heavy Bolter...so twin-linked Bolter.

Nitpicking:

A "twin-linked bolter" is called a "combi-bolter". "Twin" weapons (doubling the primary weapon's rate-of-fire) replaced "twin-linked" weapons (let the player re-roll To Hit rolls) when 7th Edition transitioned into 8th.

 

Heavy bolters should NOT be confused with bolters. The former is chambered for a single caliber (approx. 25mm in diameter) ammunition, and is usually belt-fed; the latter is chambered for .75 caliber (approx. 20mm), and is usually magazine-fed. If you get them mixed up, WH40K fans will make you a laughingstock.

He didn't mind, remember he's like the least formal Space Marine outside Russ' Wolves, so he didn't mind until he became disgusted by Dobbman's cowardly yet bragging stance on Astartes-hood.

Most military organizations intentionally discourage such irrelevance, as it may encourage insubordination, i.e., make soldiers disobey their commanding officers' direct orders, which will likely make them fail in their mission. Special Forces (a category the Space Marines should fall into) are a notable exception, as they're often isolated from their own commanders due to the demands of operating behind enemy lines, and under radio silence to prevent the enemy from discovering their locations and their intentions, forcing them to act more independently- even then, there will be a limit to how much the commanders will tolerate.

 

If you want Markan and Dobbman to seem like Space Marines instead of "Spess Mehreens" (4chan parodies), you should explain WHY these "Sons of Dorn" act like Space Wolves instead. Did the Crushing Hammers lose all their officers in a decapitation strike, and were forced to accept the Space Wolves' aid- including drill sergeants to train their trainees- when the former rebuilt themselves into the Imperial Shields?

[Bjorn Firewalker]

I apologize for all the nitpicking, but I fear it may be necessary. Your stories and your IAs prove you have good imagination, and great promise as a writer; but you have to get them proofread, edit and re-edit them with care, to develop your potential and BECOME a great writer, instead of Matt Ward 2.0.

[Bruce Malcom]

 

 

The scenes are good, and set up the next ones very well.

Nitpicking, with my emphases:

Markan pulled out his HEAVY BOLTGUN, and fired away, shredding Orks left and right.

Do you mean "heavy bolter," "bolt rifle," or something different, e.g., an HK417 to the boltgun's HK416, chambered to fire heavy bolter ammunition (approx. 25mm in diameter) instead of boltshells (.75 caliber, approx. 20mm in diameter)?

"And you will refer to me as brother-lieutenant FROM NOW ON, scout."

Why wasn't Dobbman referring to Markan as "Brother-Lieutenant" previously? I doubt any Space Marine officer (with the notable exception of the Space Wolves') will tolerate such informality or implied disrespect for rank.

Heavy Bolter...so twin-linked Bolter.

Nitpicking:

A "twin-linked bolter" is called a "combi-bolter". "Twin" weapons (doubling the primary weapon's rate-of-fire) replaced "twin-linked" weapons (let the player re-roll To Hit rolls) when 7th Edition transitioned into 8th.

Heavy bolters should NOT be confused with bolters. The former is chambered for a single caliber (approx. 25mm in diameter) ammunition, and is usually belt-fed; the latter is chambered for .75 caliber (approx. 20mm), and is usually magazine-fed. If you get them mixed up, WH40K fans will make you a laughingstock.

He didn't mind, remember he's like the least formal Space Marine outside Russ' Wolves, so he didn't mind until he became disgusted by Dobbman's cowardly yet bragging stance on Astartes-hood.

Most military organizations intentionally discourage such irrelevance, as it may encourage insubordination, i.e., make soldiers disobey their commanding officers' direct orders, which will likely make them fail in their mission. Special Forces (a category the Space Marines should fall into) are a notable exception, as they're often isolated from their own commanders due to the demands of operating behind enemy lines, and under radio silence to prevent the enemy from discovering their locations and their intentions, forcing them to act more independently- even then, there will be a limit to how much the commanders will tolerate.

If you want Markan and Dobbman to seem like Space Marines instead of "Spess Mehreens" (4chan parodies), you should explain WHY these "Sons of Dorn" act like Space Wolves instead. Did the Crushing Hammers lose all their officers in a decapitation strike, and were forced to accept the Space Wolves' aid- including drill sergeants to train their trainees- when the former rebuilt themselves into the Imperial Shields?

I understand the wrath of the Emperor's followers is certainly one to fear, but I doubt people will make a laughing stock of me right now. I was thinking of what is a Heavy Bolter when I said Heavy Bolter. I misread your post, which made me think what I thought of a heavy Bolter must not exist, so I went for the next best thing; a Twin Bolter.

 

As for Markan's more...eccentric personality, sure, that works just fine. Except he was around before they were Shields and still Hammers, so that would be cut out. The transition was less 'decapitation strike' and more 'EVERYONE IS DED'.

I apologize for all the nitpicking, but I fear it may be necessary. Your stories and your IAs prove you have good imagination, and great promise as a writer; but you have to get them proofread, edit and re-edit them with care, to develop your potential and BECOME a great writer, instead of Matt Ward 2.0.

'Tis fine, gives me something to do, and thank you.

[Bruce Malcom]

Markan, Dobbman, and Sejanus walked through the large bunker. They had just killed three squads of Orks and their weapons were reloaded. Markan was lugging around his heavy bolter, Dobbman had his shotgun, and Sejanus had a plasma pistol and a chainsword on the ready.

 

As the trio of Adeptus Astartes was about to pass a corner, Dobbman checked it and spotted four Orks chatting. "Xeno scum, four in a circle formation," he told his group. Markan whirred up the heavy bolter and fired, bolt fire spewing out of the gun at an intense speed. The four were dead in seconds.

 

Markan growled. "Dobbman, close the doors and lock them. Stall the Orks that are coming!" Dobbman ran over and slammed each and every door control button and pulled every switch. The blast doors were locked and shut, with the green skins locked outside. "Good job, scout," Markan said with a twinge of anger.

 

Sejanus opened the door in front of them and shoved his chainsword through the Ork waiting by the door. He used his plasma pistol to kill his partner on the other side of the door. As eight Orks rushed over to help their kin, Markan stepped forth with his heavy bolter and unleashed hundreds of bolter rounds for eight seconds. The Orks were very much dead.

 

"Sejanus, get the door!" He commanded. Sejanus closed and locked the blast door behind them, and ran and opened the one in front of them.

 

Dozens of green skins charged at them, and the Astartes met them with gunfire.

(Bit of a filler chapter, just putting this out so the story's "consistently updated."

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Not bad.

"Good job, scout," Markan said with a twinge of anger.

Is Markan feeling lingering anger towards Dobbman, for the unprofessional behavior the scout displayed in previous chapters? Is he angry at the Orks for defiling the bunker with their very presence, and/or angry at the guards who failed to keep the xenos out of the bunker?

 

And more nitpicking:

"Sejanus, get the door!" He commanded.

"He" shouldn't be capitalized, as "he commanded," is a continuation of the sentence "Sejanus, get the door!"

[Bruce Malcom]

Not bad.

"Good job, scout," Markan said with a twinge of anger.

Is Markan feeling lingering anger towards Dobbman, for the unprofessional behavior the scout displayed in previous chapters? Is he angry at the Orks for defiling the bunker with their very presence, and/or angry at the guards who failed to keep the xenos out of the bunker?

And more nitpicking:

"Sejanus, get the door!" He commanded.

"He" shouldn't be capitalized, as "he commanded," is a continuation of the sentence "Sejanus, get the door!"

1. Take your pick.

2. Thanks.

[Bruce Malcom]

Thinking about making three models based off the Shields for Kill Team maybe, for Markan, Dobbman, and Sejanus. Sounds fun, with some backup if required.

 

Anyway, on with the story!

 

---------

The trio had successfully escaped the bunker. They discovered the Leman Russes dedicated to protecting the bunker were destroyed and the lone Astartes stationed there was dead. Dobbman took the boltgun, claiming to 'give the Astartes who died in honorable combat some closure', which Markan liked.

 

"Alright, scout. We need to reach our base on the beach, in order to contact our supporting Voidcraft," Sejanus told Dobbman. "Go check how many orks we'll deal with on the way there."

 

"Battle-Brother, what is the Lieutenant doing?" Dobbman asked. Sejanus sighed.

 

"Planning."

 

-------

Markan sat atop a wrecked building. His heavy bolter had run out of ammo so he resorted to using dual bolt pistols, one he had and one he took off the dead Astartes.

 

He snuck through the ruined buildings in a dirty cloak that was good camouflage, considering it had layers upon layers of white dust on it from the collapsing rubble.

 

Two Orks patrolled underneath his building, laughing and speaking in their odd variant on Low Gothic.

 

Markan dropped down and crushed one with his weight. The other one turned around with a sharp, crude sword. Markan dodged the sword, and kicked the Ork back. He swiftly took the sword and plunged it into the Ork's neck. He dragged it upwards, cutting through it's head. "Ya filthy Xeno scum...got your heretical blood all over my nice garb."

 

He then continued on, stabbing and punching Orks, even though he was armed with long-range weaponry.

 

-------

Sejanus kept watch over the entrance to the bunker. He waited for Markan or Dobbman to return. His chainsword has broke and an Ork crushed his plasma pistol so he stole a grenade launcher from a dead PDF soldier and two of the Ork's crude swords. He was humming hymns to himself when Dobbman returned.

 

"Sejanus...we're too late...the Orks...they already bombed the place. The whole...base...it's gone. All gone."

 

Sejanus was furious. "Those...damnable xeno scum! What do we do NOW!?"

 

Dobbman pulled out a battered Vox communicator, filled with static. "This is a beaten-up Vox receiver. It's one way and meant for recreational usage, or listening to required imperial transmissions. However, it's receiving static. That means there's something nearby broadcasting, and maybe... just maybe...we can radio the ship."

 

Sejanus smiled. "You are a great scout. Who knows, you might become a Reiver..."

 

Markan returned, covered in Ork blood. He ripped off the cloak and readied his twin pistols. "So...how's the base?"

 

Sejanus decided to explain this time. "The base is destroyed, however we found an alternative broadcasting station. We're heading there, right Markan?"

 

Markan grunted. "You'd be right, Brother Sejanus. Let's head over, bash some Ork skulls along the way, and get in touch with our ships."

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Thinking about making three models based off the Shields for Kill Team maybe, for Markan, Dobbman, and Sejanus. Sounds fun, with some backup if required.

Good idea. I hope to see the models soon.

He then continued on, stabbing and punching Orks, even though he was armed with long-range weaponry.

I'll understand if the Lieutenant is trying to conserve ammo, but such behavior is worrying. Markan isn't succumbing to Khorne's influence, is he?

 

And more nitpicking:

Sejanus kept watch over the entrance to the bunker. He waited for Markan or Dobbman to return. His chainsword has broke and an Ork crushed his plasma pistol so he stole a grenade launcher from a dead PDF soldier and two of the Ork's crude swords.

As you didn't write the scene in which Sejanus fought the Orks, losing his chainsword and plasma pistol in the process, this seems a violation of the basic rule "Show, don't tell."

[Bjorn Firewalker]

My attempt to explain how Sejanus lost his weapons:

Sejanus' only warning was the flash of starlight reflecting off metal, but it was sufficient to save his life. The Marine instinctively ducked as he simultaneously threw his chainsword, dodging a throwing ax aimed at his head, and killing the Ork Kommando who attempted to silence him.

 

Sejanus noticed the chainsword chain broke after chewing through the Ork's breastplate, and the organs it protected. 'I hope Markan has a spare chain,' with which the weapon could be repaired. The Marine marched towards the dead xeno to reclaim his chainsword, only to feel the air moving as an incoming attack displaced it. 'I must meditate in the pain glove when we return, making penance for the lack of vigilance that allowed the xenos to get so close to my position,' he throught, drawing his combat knife to block a second Kommando's choppa. The Marine buried his plasma pistol in the Ork's gut, allowing the foul xeno's flesh to hide the sound and the fury of the weapon's discharge. The Kommando died, only for a third to replace it, the Ork's choppa- made from a Leman Russ battle cannon barrel that was beaten into shape, with Astra Militarum markings still visible on the blade- shattering Sejanus' knife.

 

'Damn.' The Marine lunged forward before the Kommando recovered from the swing. Sejanus' pistol muzzle kissed the Ork's armpit, before he squeezed the trigger to fill the xeno's chest cavity with superheated plasma. With his opponent dead, Sejanus seized the choppa as a prize and a replacement for his broken blade. Shaking the pistol to remove the xeno flesh clinging to its muzzle-

 

"Waaaagh!" Abandoning all notion of stealth, the fourth Kommando jumped from the bunker roof. The Marine raised his pistol, but failed to shoot the Ork before the latter's ax buried itself in the pistol barrel- sparing Sejanus a cleaved skull, but possibly dooming the Marine to a worse fate.

 

"Frak!" Abandoning his pistol, Sejanus turned about and ran from the Ork. The Kommando raised its choppa to deliver the killing blow, ignoring the flashing lights and loud beeps from the plasma pistol still fixed to its choppa; the xeno was ignorant of the alarms the human weapon incorporated to warn all nearby it was about to explode.

 

Boom! The fireball launched Sejanus into the air; the Marine tucked in his head and limbs, avoiding injury from the fireball, and from the shrapnel the dead Ork's arms and armor became.

 

'So inconvenient,' Sejanus thought, scanning the field for replacement weapons before he landed.

[Bruce Malcom]

My attempt to explain how Sejanus lost his weapons:

Sejanus' only warning was the flash of starlight reflecting off metal, but it was sufficient to save his life. The Marine instinctively ducked as he simultaneously threw his chainsword, dodging a throwing ax aimed at his head, and killing the Ork Kommando who attempted to silence him.

Sejanus noticed the chainsword chain broke after chewing through the Ork's breastplate, and the organs it protected. 'I hope Markan has a spare chain,' with which the weapon could be repaired. The Marine marched towards the dead xeno to reclaim his chainsword, only to feel the air moving as an incoming attack displaced it. 'I must meditate in the pain glove when we return, making penance for the lack of vigilance that allowed the xenos to get so close to my position,' he throught, drawing his combat knife to block a second Kommando's choppa. The Marine buried his plasma pistol in the Ork's gut, allowing the foul xeno's flesh to hide the sound and the fury of the weapon's discharge. The Kommando died, only for a third to replace it, the Ork's choppa- made from a Leman Russ battle cannon barrel that was beaten into shape, with Astra Militarum markings still visible on the blade- shattering Sejanus' knife.

'Damn.' The Marine lunged forward before the Kommando recovered from the swing. Sejanus' pistol muzzle kissed the Ork's armpit, before he squeezed the trigger to fill the xeno's chest cavity with superheated plasma. With his opponent dead, Sejanus seized the choppa as a prize and a replacement for his broken blade. Shaking the pistol to remove the xeno flesh clinging to its muzzle-

"Waaaagh!" Abandoning all notion of stealth, the fourth Kommando jumped from the bunker roof. The Marine raised his pistol, but failed to shoot the Ork before the latter's ax buried itself in the pistol barrel- sparing Sejanus a cleaved skull, but possibly dooming the Marine to a worse fate.

"Frak!" Abandoning his pistol, Sejanus turned about and ran from the Ork. The Kommando raised its choppa to deliver the killing blow, ignoring the flashing lights and loud beeps from the plasma pistol still fixed to its choppa; the xeno was ignorant of the alarms the human weapon incorporated to warn all nearby it was about to explode.

Boom! The fireball launched Sejanus into the air; the Marine tucked in his head and limbs, avoiding injury from the fireball, and from the shrapnel the dead Ork's arms and armor became.

'So inconvenient,' Sejanus thought, scanning the field for replacement weapons before he landed.

This is all good, and canon. But the reason why I didn't show what happened is because, sandwiches between their encounter with the massive wave of Orks the last time we saw them in the bunker, and the last time we saw them period, was about three hours of hack, slash, lock the doors, hack, slash, lock the doors, repeat.

[Bruce Malcom]

Dobbman, Sejanus, and Markan continued further up, silently taking out Orks as they went. They had schematics of the city, and they headed towards the Vox tower deep in the middle of the town.

 

They had continued without serious issue, until now.

 

There was flakkatrucks guarding the entrance to the Vox tower, almost strategically guarding it...

 

"Those cursed flakkatrucks...do we have any explosives?" Markan asked. Dobbman and Sejanus shook their heads no.

 

"How about plasma?" Again, they shook their heads no. Markan looked to the floor and growled. "Agh, we just charge the damn thing!"

 

Sejanus shook his head again. "Those guns can shred up air support, they can surely rip through us, brother Markan. A good idea would be to sneak around it's line of sight, and take out the gunners, then drivers."

 

Markan nodded yes. "That's a good plan...let's put it to good use!" The trio snuck around the trukks, and pulled out their firearms. As soon as Markan, the first to fire with his dual pistols, fired, the gunners immediately fired back with their weaponry, destroying any cover they had.

 

"What now, Sejanus?!" Markan asked.

 

Sejanus grimaced as he fired a nearby Lasgun with barely any charge. "I...can't think of anything! Dobbman?"

 

Dobbman aimed his boltgun, and breathed. BLAM! A single bolt rocketed out of the gun and slammed into a flakkatrukk's fuel tank. It erupted into flames, and the explosion also blew back the other trukk, obliterating both.

 

Sejanus was thoroughly impressed. "Good show, Dobbman! You're going to go on to great things, I assure you now!"

 

Markan smiled. "Quick thinkin' there, scout. Yer certainly earnin' your stripes."

 

------

Markan kicked open the doors, and checked the room with his dual bolt pistols. "All clear, brothers!" Sejanus and Dobbman soon followed.

 

Sejanus started to look around, blades drawn. "Something's in here..." Markan nodded.

 

"I smell it too. It's a smell I'll never forget..."

 

Dobbman gave a confused look. "What is it?"

 

Markan grimaced and spoke low and gravely. "Genestealer."

 

Dobbman looked a tad worried. "With such a deadly xeno, will we be able to complete our mission with the available equipment?"

 

Markan glared. "I was hopin' that you grew some balls, milksop! Do I need to teach ya again, on our duties as Asta-"

 

Sejanus placed a gauntlet in front of Markan. "The scout has a point. It would a hard and likely damaging battle. We may not make it alive."

 

Markan pushed forward. "Good thing we have a good amount of geneseed at home, then." He reloaded both pistols. "Let's get movin', unless ye want the Genestealer to find ya and eat ya."

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Nitpicking:

Markan looked to the floor and growled. "Agh, we just charge the damn thing!"

I'm surprised it's the Lieutenant who says this, instead of Dobbman. Brace yourself for other critics complaining about "inconsistent characterization."

As soon as Markan, the first to fire with his dual pistols, fired, the gunners immediately fired back with their weaponry, destroying any cover they had.

The scene makes Markan seem incompetent.

 

How about having Markan order Dobbman and Sejanus to take out one Flakkatrukk, while the Lieutenant single-handedly takes on a second Flakkatrukk. Markan sneaks up to his target, vaults into the turret, executes the Flakka-Dakka gunner and then the driver, though the Ork driver manages to scream in pain before he dies.

 

The dying Ork's screams alert the crew of a third Flakkatrukk, which the Marines didn't see, as it was behind a high wall. The Flakka-Dakka gunner shoots through the wall to engage the Marines, igniting ammo on the Flakkatrukks that Markan and Sejanus boarded (this explains why the two don't just shoot back), and forcing the Marines to flee.

 

That's when Dobbman jumps over the wall, shoots the surviving Flakkatrukk's fuel tank, and saves the day (alternatively, he can tear a burning ammo box off Sejanus' flakkatrukk, and throw it over the wall, using the burning ammo box as an improvised explosive device to destroy the third Flakkatrukk).

[Bruce Malcom]

Nitpicking:

Markan looked to the floor and growled. "Agh, we just charge the damn thing!"

I'm surprised it's the Lieutenant who says this, instead of Dobbman. Brace yourself for other critics complaining about "inconsistent characterization."

As soon as Markan, the first to fire with his dual pistols, fired, the gunners immediately fired back with their weaponry, destroying any cover they had.

The scene makes Markan seem incompetent.

How about having Markan order Dobbman and Sejanus to take out one Flakkatrukk, while the Lieutenant single-handedly takes on a second Flakkatrukk. Markan sneaks up to his target, vaults into the turret, executes the Flakka-Dakka gunner and then the driver, though the Ork driver manages to scream in pain before he dies.

The dying Ork's screams alert the crew of a third Flakkatrukk, which the Marines didn't see, as it was behind a high wall. The Flakka-Dakka gunner shoots through the wall to engage the Marines, igniting ammo on the Flakkatrukks that Markan and Sejanus boarded (this explains why the two don't just shoot back), and forcing the Marines to flee.

That's when Dobbman jumps over the wall, shoots the surviving Flakkatrukk's fuel tank, and saves the day (alternatively, he can tear a burning ammo box off Sejanus' flakkatrukk, and throw it over the wall, using the burning ammo box as an improvised explosive device to destroy the third Flakkatrukk).

1. Not if he's been RIP AND TEARing lately, even when given other options...

2. Exciting story...I'll add it in later.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

1. Not if he's been RIP AND TEARing lately, even when given other options...

Khorne (growling into Markan's ear): "I am upon your soul, slave to the Anathema. I am upon your soul, and you cannot resist me. Soon, you shall be slave to ME."

[Bruce Malcom]

Markan, Dobbman, and Sejanus marched through the Vox tower, checking every corner and vent they see.

 

After about six minutes of searching, Dobbman finally found the control panels.

 

"Brothers! I have located the device!" He shouted, and soon Sejanus and Markan were there.

 

Markan looked furious while Sejanus worked on communicating with the ship. "Yer a fraking idiot! Now the Genestealer knows where we are, because ya screamed so fraking loudly it'll be echoin' past the Wolf Time!"

 

Dobbman gave Markan an odd stare, while Sejanus sighed loudly. "Markan, you know you aren't supposed to-"

 

Markan yelled, performing a hypocritical action. "Yeah? Well I'm tired'a hidin' my heritage, whose genes overwrites my own! I've lived my life as a son'a Corvax, when we were the Hammers! I lived my life as a son'a Dorn's, when we were rebuilt! Now, I'mma live my life as a son'a Russ!"

 

Sejanus slapped Markan, hard, in the face. "You are an Imperial Shield, I don't care who your father is. You are one of us, no matter which geneseed was placed within yours. You are my friend. You are my brother."

 

Markan calmed down, panting. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."

 

Sejanus then looked at Dobbman. "Never speak of-"

 

Dobbman nodded and cut Sejanus off. "Understood, sir. This will stay between you, me, and the Lieutenant."

 

Suddenly, a quick and strange looking xeno - the genestealer - hopped down. Markan whipped around and fired his dual bolt pistols at the Genestealer, but it shrugged off the bolts and slammed Markan down. Sejanus kicked it off Markan, and Markan drew one of Sejanus' swords and thrusted it, deep into the head of the Genestealer.

 

"Xeno scum..." He said as he stood up, handing the sword back to Sejanus. Sejanus holstered it, and went back to the control panel.

 

Markan started to look around, before spotting a crate labeled weaponry, presumably for the PDF. Perhaps the place was meant as a safe house, before the bombs dropped. He ripped the thing open, not bothering with the lock. Inside was an Autocannon.

 

Sejanus spoke. "Brother Lieutenant Markan, we have made contact with the ship. They said they thought us dead, and they've dealt with almost all the ork attacks across the continent," Sejanus read. "They're sending in a Thunderhawk, to save us."

 

Suddenly, a massive ork war cry was heard. WAAAAAAGH!

 

Markan growled, and checked the autocannon. "Brothers...get to the landing zone, on top of the building."

 

Sejanus gave Markan an annoyed look. "Markan, you'll die if we leave..."

 

Markan sighed. "I've been hearin'...voices. Or actually, a single, vile, evil voice. He's grabbin' me, my very soul. Khorne. If I live...he'll catch me. If I die...I will find peace, with the Emperor. I might not get to see the Wolf Time...but by the Emperor, you will."

 

Sejanus let out a heavy sigh. "The Emperor Protects, brother. He will save your soul from the Ruinous Powers...I know it."

 

The orks started to slam against the entrance, bashing through. Markan stood ready with his heavy turret, and his brothers hurried up to the top of the tower. They heard the sound of an Autocannon firing.

 

It was loud, but not as loud as the engines of a Thunderhawk.

 

The aircraft landed, and Sejanus and Dobbman got in. The pilot, a Techmarine, looked behind him. "Brothers! Where is Brother-Lieutenant Markan?"

 

Suddenly, the whole building shook with an explosion, and finally the sounds of the Autocannon firing stopped.

 

Sejanus shook his head. "He stayed behind, in service of the Emperor..."

 

The Techmarine let out a sigh. "Damned orks...they'll get their comeuppance, soon enough..."

 

Sejanus let out a small, pitiful laugh. "Need not worry...he gave them it himself."

 

The aircraft took off, heading towards the ship, and blasting high up into the sky at incredible speeds.

 

------

One hundred years later...

 

Revival Palace was a wonderful structure. It was a nigh-indestructible base of operations that the Chapter-Master, Sejanus, lived in. While previous Chapter-Masters preferred to be on a ship commanding, Sejanus always preferred the Fortress-Monastary, believing it to be 'a symbol of imperial dominance, the grandest fortification out Chapter had ever built.'

 

But now was not one of those times.

 

Chapter-Master Sejanus Lubermenn sat aboard their Battle Barge, the Reforged Speartip, and readied their Drop-Pods and Thunderhawks for deployment. They were going to retake Lornage from the damnable orks, who struck every decade, and who better to lead the strike, the campaign for Lornage...than Captain Lux Dobbman?

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Good job.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Possibly nitpicky suggestion:

Edit this scene like so:

"Brothers! Where is Brother-Lieutenant Markan?"

 

A flash drew their attention to the explosion that destroyed the autocannon turret, scattering the burning flesh of foul xenos- and likely, that of the Lieutenant- in all directions.

 

Sejanus shook his head. "He died, in service of the Emperor..."

The additional sentence (in italics, though that shouldn't be necessary when you edit your story) is meant to show Markan died (or seemingly died) the way Sejanus said. Of course, if you omit it, it will seem like Sejanus and Dobbman simply abandoned the LT- something the World Eaters can use to further destroy Markan's loyalty to the Imperium, if/when the traitors attempt to transform him into Zhufor 2.0.