And They Shall Know No Fear (Essay)

[Indefragable]

Fraters, take a knee. This one is a bit personal.

 

About some of the background to my vow and comments for the ETL.

 

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Can a hobby save a life?

 

 

As I look at the hump of plastic in my hands, I ponder this question.

 

 

Real life has thrown me some curveballs. At one point I thought about how tall the building I worked in was and concluded the height, was--in fact—sufficient to get the job done.

 

But painting for the ETL gave me purpose. It was pointless; a self-determined challenge with no Real Life consequences whatsoever, positive or negative, held accountable by internet friends who are as real as the 0’s and 1’s that comprise our form of communication. It was applying arbitrarily determined chemical patterns subjectively determined to plastic toy soldiers. It was stupid. Especially when I just got laid off from my job, only a month before my first child is due to be born, and only a month after moving in with and medically challenged parents in attempt to help out more by being under the same roof for a time. A job that I gave everything to no longer wanted me. And as I stepped into my parenthood, I am starkly reminded of my own relationship—good and bad—with my own parents. Not to mention putting my pregnant wife in a new housing situation with her in-laws to make everything work. So to put in mildly, given the circumstances, painting for the ETL was utterly pointless.

 

 

But I said I would do it

 

I said I would paint x number of models in y amount of time. I made a vow.

 

Vows are funny, in the modern world. They mean nothing. Which is why they mean everything. We live in a world of contracts, End User Agreements, video evidence. Pics or it didn’t happen. We need binding documentation to hold all parties accountable, of securing results or else we can seek damages. Which is why a vow is pathetic. It is a set of pretty words  spoken in to the ether. If one were to say “I vow to install your internet service” it would mean nothing unless it was in writing. If you appeared before a judge in court and said but your honor, I could not have stolen the pie. I vowed to never eat sweets again,” the judge would roll her eyes and the jury would laugh and the prosecutor would start notching his belt with another victory.

 

And that is precisely why vows mean everything. They are spoken into the ether for no one but the speaker and the universe to hear. They are worth only what the speaker values them. They mean only what the speaker says they mean.

 

 

And Space Marines vow.

 

Part of the silly, prurient, inspiring pleasure of the Warhammer 40,000 setting is it’s grimdark-ness. There is no hope. There is no white, only shades of black. Which is what makes the moments of hope that much more inspiring.

 

Hidden Content

“To be a man in such times is to be one amongst untold billions. It is to live in the cruelest and most bloody regime imaginable. These are the tales of those times. Forget the power of technology and science, for so much has been forgotten, never to be re-learned. Forget the promise of progress and understanding, for in the grim dark future there is only war. There is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods.”

 

 

This heap of plastic in my hands does not know fear. He has faced the bio-corrosive acid of Tyranids. The soul crushing betrayal of the Heretic. The laughable, unceasing onslaught of the Ork. The mind-bending horror of the Other made manifest. And he has faced them all without backing down. In one of the darkest, cruelest, most horrible settings imaginable, there are those who do not know fear.

 

Hidden Content

“They shall be my finest warriors, these men who give of themselves to me….

…They are my bulwark against the terror. They are the Defenders of Humanity. They are my Space Marines and they shall know no fear.”

 

-The Emperor of Mankind

 

 

In the Biblical sense, to “know” something means to be intimate with it. To become one with it and through it create yet another thing. So a Space Marine does not get intimate with fear. It is not that they are unafraid, but rather they do not allow fear to control their thoughts. To cloud their decisions. To color their emotions. They do not acknowledge it. They do not give it space or agency to influence their actions. It is not that they do not feel fear, but rather they Know no fear. They are intimate with the concept of fearlessness. Of pushing through all obstacles no matter what. It is an impossible concept in an impossible setting. Yet, in its own ridiculous way, that very impossibility is inspiring.

 

 

I rotate the plastic model in my hand inspecting which parts need more paint, a touch-up, something more. Can this stupid pointless hunk of plastic save a life?

 

“Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”

-St. Francis of Assisi

 

Sometimes we need a reminder of what’s possible. Of what can be done. That each step forward is just that: a step forward. Progress. That each color and layer and highlight is forward motion. That every xenos slain and every traitor purged is one less to deal with tomorrow. Even if there are uncounted millions upon billions. Even if it feels like counting grains of sand at the beach, because even such a task is, in fact, entirely possible, if highly improbable. That just because the dice are against you, doesn’t mean your plan was bad. Or that just because you drew bad cards, that the match is lost. That 40k, like life, is about playing the odds. Its about mitigating risk. Its about taking chances. It’s about realizing that the best laid plans of mice and men go awry. It’s about layering your strategies and decisions and your army builds like you layer your paints. You have to prime before you can base coat and you have to base coat before you can wash, and you have to wash before you highlight. It’s about steps. It’s about never losing sight of where those steps are leading you while you’re taking them. And often times you realize you wish you had done something sooner. Or you had done something differently, but you can’t go back and change it now. So the next time, you remember that and do it a little better. Sometimes you need to touch things up and sometimes you need to go back and do something over. And sometimes you just gotta let the paint dry.

 

We so often talk about how this hobby of ours is “little toy soldiers” or “overpriced little plastic men.” In our moments of self awareness we can remark at how silly the whole thing is. Yet with all things, where there is purpose, there is hope. Even in the most grim places filled with oppressive darkness. For sometimes it does not matter if the stars no longer shine, for as long as you have a single candle to light your own way, you can take just another step forward.

 

 

Can a hobby save a life?

 

I am not saying it can. But I am not saying it can’t.

 

What I am saying is that it can give you purpose, and purpose can save souls.

 

 

“Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed.”

-paraphrasing by Neil Gaiman, of G.K. Chesterton’s Tremendous Trifles, XVII: The Red Angel

 

 

 

 

 

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[Dolchiate Remembrancer]

Fantastic brother!

It is late and I wish I could convey my joy and pride in reading this.

All I can say is HAIL!

 

Keep painting. Keep playing. Keep living. I know I recently got into tattoo culture for the same exact reason. I dont know if this ink on my skin will save me, but it does provide the reminders I need to get through the worse of it.

 

-DR

[Majkhel]

Just so! Small steps. Forward or backwards, but steps nevertheless :)

And sometimes these are exactly the steps we need to keep going, to keep living.

All the best for you, Indy!

[Spyros]

Inspiring story of daily defiance! You 're so strong brother! Keep walking tall!

[Damon Nightman]

I love this community. Thank you very much for sharing

[Vermintide]

Inspiring stuff brother. I can attest that painting my dudes has indeed got me through some rough times too. It is meditative, therapeutic, and even developmental.

 

The focus it takes to tell yourself "Okay. I'll sit down and just do those pesky metal parts tonight." can be applied to lots of areas of life. As someone who often struggles with procrastination, it's not too big of a jump to start saying "Okay, I'll just do that one basket of laundry." or "Okay, I'll just do another page in that assignment." It's a valuable mindset and skill to call upon.

 

A long way to go for me still, but progress is always positive.

[Wulf Vengis]

Very well written brother. I do truly enjoy these little trips into the psyche.

 

Mjod for you brother!

[Indefragable]

Thank you all for the kind notes. Just wanted to share my thoughts and help anyone else who might find themselves in a tight spot. And of course as much as it seemed like things were rough for me, I also don't lose perspective of the fact that I had it easy compared to a lot of people on the planet...don't want to come off too much as "woe is me."

Inspiring story of daily defiance! You 're so strong brother! Keep walking tall!

Perfect pic!

Exactly what I am talking about when I say it's so silly and stupid and pointless in some ways, yet at the same time, in its own little way, the sheer ridiculousness of it all can bleed into real life in a positive and motivating way.

I love this community. Thank you very much for sharing

That's part of why I felt the well, almost need, to share.

[Captain_Krash]

Beautiful Indy...you truly capture the art form side of The Angels of Blood. Keep your head up and moving forward.

 

Krash

[Soulhunter1995]

And this is why I love this hobby, and especially this forum :) Keep your head up and stay strong Indy, you do honor to the primarch ^^

[Jønke]

If you find yourself walking through the fires of hell, keep walking.

 

I cant say that i can put myself in your situation or imagine how it is.

But keep doing what you are doing. Keep painting minis. The feeling og having made something can, in my experience, help if you are feeling like you arent doing anything.

 

Our jobs take up alot of our life. Maybe it was for the best that you got forced to do something else? Change can be booth scary and really good at the same time.

 

Its always darkest just before the dawn.

[Helias_Tancred]

Proud to call you brother!