The Solar Paladins (WiP)

[MrMetalArm]

Okay, it's not done yet, but I've gotten a lot of lore written down for my Loyalist chapter, the Solar Paladins. Let me know what you think. Also, I've got no idea how to insert images, Help. 

 

EDIT: Fixed a few things

*********
In Sunlight Clad, they arrived. These golden warriors descended upon the traitorous hoards with a fury unmatched. With glorious boltshell and bright plasma, they smote the Bearers of the Word, leaving none standing. They truly were, as their battlecry had stated, The Wrath of the Sun. 

-Chronicler Tessa Nike, Circa M39

 While not one of the more well known chapters, the Solar Paladins have certainly made a name for themselves since their founding in M34. Long have they guarded the Ionian Sector from raids by Drukhari pirates, Ork WAAAAGHS!, and more than ever the assaults of traitorous astartes as the Great Rift splits the galaxy in two. Their legends are many, their heroes even more so, and their glory threatens to outshine the star at the center of their system. They are the wrath of the Sun. They are Solar Paladins. 

Beginnings

The Ionian Sector is an oft forgotten yet surprisingly important sector within the Segmentum Tempestus. The systems within this sector are loaded with metals, crystals, and gemstones of all types, making the locals fabulously wealthy in comparison to the rest of the Imperium. These precious resources are shipped all throughout the Segmentum Tempestus, supplying forgeworlds with much needed iron, copper, gold, and high-quality glass and crystal. This has predictably made the Sector a target for pirates and raiders of all types, the two most frequent being the Drukhari of the Empty Soul Kabal and the renegade Astartes of the Red Corsairs. It quickly became apparent that the various Planetary Defense Forces and even the local Astra Militarum regiments were quickly overwhelmed, leading to decreased production of the Sector. During the 6th founding, a new chapter was created to help combat this problem, so the Ionian Sector would not fall.

 

Imperial records and even the chapter’s own records are quite unclear of who supplied the gene-seed, with contradictory accounts citing the Ultramarines, the Imperial Fists, and even the Salamanders as their gene-sire. Regardless, the newly created “Honored Blades” chapter made an immediate difference, driving the Red Corsairs from several worlds and stomping down on the Drukhari hard enough to almost eradicate the Empty Soul Kabal. However, the chapter would quickly develop a rigidness and stubborn pride, believing that true victory lies in adhering to the tactics and strategems they had developed and never deviating from them. This would unfortunately prove to be a fatal error. 

 

300 years would pass, with the Honored Blades chapter bringing peace to the entire Sector. Little did they know that for those 300 years, they had been watched by predatory eyes. From seemingly nowhere struck the traitorous Astartes of the Night Lords legion, led by the cunning and ruthless warlord Desteron Blood-Talons. Worlds were cut off from each other, entire companies of Honored Blades routed and slaughtered to a man, and whole continents taken into slavery. The rigid structures of the Honored Blades brought them only defeat after defeat, refusing to change to any circumstance believing that it would eventually tire the traitors. Sadly, it did no such thing, and 2 years later the chapter appeared to be on the brink of extinction, if not for a single man. 

 

In Daylight Clad

Due to the wars engulfing the sector, particularly the siege of the capital world of Helios, accurate records of this time are either few, fragmentary, or non-existent. The best record of this time is an epic poem supposedly composed by the Remembrancer Homericus called “The Helioad”. Below is an excerpt of the first chapter:
Sing to me, oh Muse, of the Valor of Telemachus,

He who was gifted the golden blade by the ancient queen,

Who slew the Lords of Night that descended from the wine dark void. 

Courageous Telemachus, who clad his warriors in Daylight,

Who broke the ancient wall within their battle-weary souls

And taught them of the ways of the Cunning Warrior. 

Against the Lords of Night led by Cruel Desteron, 

They strode into the battle clad in Daylight,

Into the wine dark void, they drove back the Night. 

The legend states that a battle brother of the Honored Blades (no record is made of his ranking, company, or tactical role) named Telemachus Kyrios was driven to a cave beneath the Honored Blades monastery on Helios. There he found the ruins of an ancient palace where the planet’s old “Sun Queen” used to live. In the throne room of the palace, he found an archaic power sword, a relic of the Dark Age of Technology. Upon touching the sword, he received a vision and heard the voice of the Sun Queen. He saw the Queen’s warriors, her champions clad in armor of gold, white, and blue, and the Queen herself told Telemachus of their glory. They gave the people hope in the darkest of times, rushing forth into battle like a beacon of pure Daylight to smite those who threatened their people. And now, the Sun Queen told him, it was his turn, to shine like a beacon in the dark, to bring The Wrath of the Sun. 

 

When Telemachus strode from the ruins, he was clad in the gold, white, and blue of the ancient warriors, wielding the ancient sword he named “Daybreaker” and slaying an entire squad of Night Lords single handedly. He bade his brothers to follow him, to clad themselves in Daylight, to drive back the darkness. Long did they fight, but with the renewed strength of Telemachus and his golden warriors by his side, the Honored Blades fought on. Telemachus bade his fellow warriors to cast aside their rigidness, to adapt to the Night Lords trickery and not let their stubborn pride be their downfall. 

 

Within another year, the new golden warriors had taken back nearly every world in the Ionian Sector, and while some Honored Blades refused to change, many had taken on the golden mantle of Telemachus. Eventually, Telemachus met Desteron in battle, the two warriors fighting so fiercely that they shattered each other’s weapons, and resorted to their fists. They fought for nearly a day, with Desteron knocking Telemachus to the ground, wrapping his hands around his throat. But it would be Telemachus who struck the final blow, as he used a shard of Daybreaker to piece the warlord's black hearts, finally killing him. With their leader dead, the remaining Night Lords scattered, fleeing back into the dark from whence they came. 

 

The remaining Honored Blades, so few there were now, repainted their armor like Telemachus and his golden warriors, hailing him as their new Chapter Master, their “Kyrios”. But the Honored Blades would be no more, Telemachus decreed, as they were not an honored blade, but were a beacon of light within the darkness. They were the rising sun, clad in bright Daylight, a symbol that no matter how grim things would get, there would always be a new day. They were the Solar Paladins, and they were The Wrath of the Sun. 

The World of Helios

The crown jewel of the whole Ionian Sector, Helios is a rare sight among Imperial worlds given how lush and green it is. Its mountain ranges still bloom with trees and flowers, and its oceans still teem with fish. White marble buildings and statues are painted with bright pigments that make them come alive with stories and legends. Gold and silver are as available as water, with nearly everyone sporting the precious metals in jewelry and decoration.

Helios is divided into a series of city-states, each ruling over a small swath of surrounding territory. Each Heliosan is a citizen of one of these city-states, and even the helot slaves who live among the free population are still considered members of the particular city-state their master lives in. Each city state is functionally independent, setting its own laws and governing how it sees fit. However, each city state is subject to helping pay the Imperial Tithe, sending their part of the Tithe each year to the capital city of Parthenos. 

 

Parthenos is more than just the capital, but is also the center of the entire Solar Paladins chapter. The city lies upon a great hill, overlooking the nearby Gotryn Sea, watching the ships upon the ocean sail by. The city is almost entirely made from the beautiful white marble from the nearby stone quarries, and primary among the paints used is a special blue pigment made from a rare type of berry that only grows around Parthenos. The streets are paved with marble, and each statue lining the roads is painted in such lifelike colors that outsiders to the city and offworlders have mistaken them for giants. Orbital freighters constantly take off and leave from the spaceport at the far end of the city, bringing goods to the whole of Helios while exporting the precious gems and metals of Helios. 

At the very top of the hill stands the Argoleum, Fortress Monastery of the Solar Paladins. Resembling one of the great columned temples to the Emperor that dot Helios, the Argoleum is a potent reminder to the people of Helios that the Paladins are always here to protect them, standing eveready over their greatest city. Newly inducted Astartes and Primaris roam the streets, along with off-duty Paladins who often live amongst the people of Parthenos. It is common for even those who aren’t on combat patrol to carry their weapons to remind the populace that even if they’re living among them, they are still warriors at heart. 

Olympios Tournament

Every 5 years, the various city-states of Helios all gather in the capital of Parthenos to watch young champions compete in the Olympios Tournament. City-states will use the Olympios to show off their power and prestige, sometimes with fist-fights breaking out amongst citizens of certain city-states, usually those with long standing rivalries like Athornia and Spartos. The Olympios isn’t only a contest to bring Helios together, but also has been a recruitment tool for the Paladins. 

 

High atop the Stygios Amphitheatre, where most of the Olympios’ events are hosted, stands a shrouded viewing box with tinted ferra-glass windows so no one can see inside. Within this box sit three figures: the Kyria Sanctus (Master of Sanctity), the Kyria Apothecareus (Chief Apothecary), and finally the Kyrios Dominus (Chapter Master). From the booth, they observe the youths competing, judging their skills and their character. At the end of the games, a week later, the three figures emerge from the booth. The youths will line up in the center of the amphitheatre, stripped of everything save for their clothes, even the medals they have won will not be present on them. After congratulating them on their victories and warrior spirit, the three will then select 10-20 youths from among the gathered throng, the Kyria Sanctus marking them with a red sun symbol painted on their forehead. These youths will become Neophytes within the ranks of the Solar Paladins, although only a few of them will become full Hoplite (Warriors). 

Trials

One of the first trials undertaken by young Solar Paladins is called the Trial of Mind. This happens in the early days of their first implantations, when their flesh is still malleable and weak to normal human needs. They are guided to a darkened chamber in which lies a pool of water a few feet deep. They are instructed to lie in the pool, and once done so, they are left alone, and as the door closes, all light leaves the room. There is no sound, no light, no sensation save for the water, and nothing for the youth to focus on but their own mind. Secretly, they are monitored by an apothecary in the next room over, the pool functioning as a kind of brain scanner. The youth will be left alone for days, And will often see or hear things that are not there. This test is to see how they handle psychological effects, if they can stay calm and level headed in extreme circumstances. This is also a test designed to monitor the young neophytes for psychic potential, of which they are sent to the Librareus Temple if they pass the trial. 

 

The second most important trial comes when the neophyte is inducted into the 10th company, the Trial of the Labyrinth. There is a space hulk that roams the Ionian Sector known as the Death of Minos. When it appears, a small task force of Solar Paladins is sent to purge it of any threats before it can harm any nearby worlds. This task force is made of several Lieutenants leading 10 five-man squads of scouts onto the Death of Minos. From there they are split up, each squad going a separate way before “losing” communication with the others. In reality, the Lieutenants jam their comms, as the purpose of this Trial is to see how well they operate when cut off and alone. The Lieutenants then monitor the scouts via a combination of tracking devices secretly implanted into their armor and cameras attached to their headsets. It is inevitable that many will not return, yet those that do have passed the Trial, and are one step closer to being full Astartes. 

 

The final trial to be completed before the neophyte ascends to full Astartes is called the Trial of Heart. Each neophyte is assigned to protect an ordinary human for a full year, acting as their personal guardian and servant. Throughout the year, they are constantly monitored by a Helote (serf), who records the neophyte’s progress and every single detail they observe. The neophyte is not allowed to interact with (or more accurately threaten) the helote, and if anything happens to the helote, it is assumed that the neophyte had harmed them in an attempt to brighten up their record. Once per month, the helote reports to the Kyria of the Chapter, more specifically the Kyrios Domina and the Kyria Sanctus. If their behavior is shown to be cold, reluctant, or downright hostile towards the human they serve, then the helote will bring the message back that  they need to remember the values of the chapter. At the end of the year, the neophyte will approach the Kyria Sanctus, with the Kyrios Dominos and the helote lurking in the shadows. They will then be instructed to tell the Kyria how well they did, telling of how the human they served thought of their presence and if any harm came to them. The helot will then emerge from the shadows, reading the record of the neophyte’s actions and deeds to assure they are not lying. If they pass, they will be rewarded with a Apollos Pendant, a medallion in the shape of the chapter’s shining sun icon upon a chain of gold, elevating them to full Hoplite. If they fail, there are many fates that await them. If they argue their case well enough and if their lies and misdeeds were not egregious, they will be given two more chances, serving another human for another year, this time under more scrutiny. However, if the neophyte’s crimes and lies were serious, they will be sentenced to one of three fates. They may be given over to the Hephaestion Forge, to forever remain as a servator. They may become a helote themselves, no longer a mighty Paladin, but a mere slave. And finally, if their sins warrant it, the ultimate punishment: execution by the Judicar’s blade.

Edited November 3, 2020 by MrMetalArm

[gripschi]

A intersting Cast.

 

But most Important, please Change the colour to the Standard. The current is not readable on Smartphones.

 

Greets

[MrMetalArm]

A intersting Cast.

 

But most Important, please Change the colour to the Standard. The current is not readable on Smartphones.

 

Greets

Oh. Sorry. Fixed it

Edited November 3, 2020 by MrMetalArm

[Deadass]

Hey, I remember you from Discord! We were talking about Huron's motivations behind the Badab War.
 
That immediately brings me to my main point of criticism: Your introduction states that the Honored Blades were assigned to the Ionian Sector to prevent the piratical raids of the Red Corsairs, and that they're a 6th Founding Chapter. The 6th Founding took place somewhere between M.32 and M.35 according to what I can find on Lexicanum on the fly - M.34 by your count - but the Badab War, the conflict that led to the creation of the Red Corsairs out of the remnants of the Astral Claws, did not occur until late M.41. It's easily fixed by simply replacing them with a different enemy, unless you need them for something specific, like a personal vendetta of the chapter. In that case, you'll need to think about how to fill a couple thousand years of history.
 
Otherwise, your article is off to a good start. You're perhaps a little too focused on their homeworld and recruitment, but that might be offset by what you're going to tell us about their beliefs, organisation and combat doctrine - the sections that really define a chapter.
 
On the topic of posting images, here is a guide to using BBCode, this post specifically explaining how to embed images on the site. There's another, slightly easier way to go about this: simply paste a link to the image into the textbox that appears after clicking on the 'Image' icon above the reply field (9th icon from the right, bottom row).

 

Another thread you might find useful is this one, which gives you a number of different article templates that you can adapt for your homebrew.

 

I'm intrigued to see what becomes of your Solar Paladins! Keep us posted.

 

-Horrible

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

 

That immediately brings me to my main point of criticism: Your introduction states that the Honored Blades were assigned to the Ionian Sector to prevent the piratical raids of the Red Corsairs, and that they're a 6th Founding Chapter. The 6th Founding took place somewhere between M.32 and M.35 according to what I can find on Lexicanum on the fly - M.34 by your count - but the Badab War, the conflict that led to the creation of the Red Corsairs out of the remnants of the Astral Claws, did not occur until late M.41. It's easily fixed by simply replacing them with a different enemy, unless you need them for something specific, like a personal vendetta of the chapter. In that case, you'll need to think about how to fill a couple thousand years of history.

 

 

Agreed. Your easiest replacements - other than fudging the dates to change the timeline - are the Night Lords and Alpha Legion, as well as non-astartes chaos-aligned pirates and renegades if you wanted to keep the overall enemy theming the same. If you could replace them with xenos, Druchii are everyone's first pick because they're an easy villain to use, but the Orks would be a more protracted, consistent threat over time.

 

 

Otherwise, your article is off to a good start. You're perhaps a little too focused on their homeworld and recruitment, but that might be offset by what you're going to tell us about their beliefs, organisation and combat doctrine - the sections that really define a chapter.

 

 

This is really easy to do, I do it a lot. Your homeworld in a lot of ways defines your chapter. However, Horrible is absolutely right, it's good not to get too hooked on it. I'd leave it alone now and bulk up some of the other subsections of the piece before going back to it. Remember, as human beings we're not just a reflection of our parents genes or what they taught us at home, but made up

 

Or alternatively write out everything, everything you can bring to the homeworld down to the finest detail. Then arrange it like an essay, look for what has to go in the first and then the last paragraph at least in intent. Firstly what introduces you to the homeworld and sets it up, then following that what you need to know as the conclusion of the essay. In this regard you can cut out huge chunks and make it much more streamlined. Also, read it back to yourself out loud. That's where you'll find you start to cotton on to where you're falling down for the audience.

 

Finally, just stick the draft for the homeworld in a drawer and start again. A first draft is usually rough enough to get your main ideas down. Starting fresh with the same core ideas and themes at heart can work really well, though all these options depend on the writer and what he/she finds easiest.

[gripschi]

Quote

Beginnings

 

The Ionian Sector is an oft forgotten yet surprisingly important sector within the Segmentum Tempestus. The systems within this sector are loaded with metals, crystals, and gemstones of all types, making the locals fabulously wealthy in comparison to the rest of the Imperium. These precious resources are shipped all throughout the Segmentum Tempestus, supplying forgeworlds with much needed iron, copper, gold, and high-quality glass and crystal. This has predictably made the Sector a target for pirates and raiders of all types, the two most frequent being the Drukhari of the Empty Soul Kabal and the renegade Astartes of the Red Corsairs. It quickly became apparent that the various Planetary Defense Forces and even the local Astra Militarum regiments were quickly overwhelmed, leading to decreased production of the Sector. During the 6th founding, a new chapter was created to help combat this problem, so the Ionian Sector would not fall.

 

Imperial records and even the chapter’s own records are quite unclear of who supplied the gene-seed, with contradictory accounts citing the Ultramarines, the Imperial Fists, and even the Salamanders as their gene-sire. Regardless, the newly created “Honored Blades” chapter made an immediate difference, driving the Red Corsairs from several worlds and stomping down on the Drukhari hard enough to almost eradicate the Empty Soul Kabal. However, the chapter would quickly develop a rigidness and stubborn pride, believing that true victory lies in adhering to the tactics and strategems they had developed and never deviating from them. This would unfortunately prove to be a fatal error. 

 

300 years would pass, with the Honored Blades chapter bringing peace to the entire Sector. Little did they know that for those 300 years, they had been watched by predatory eyes. From seemingly nowhere struck the traitorous Astartes of the Night Lords legion, led by the cunning and ruthless warlord Desteron Blood-Talons. Worlds were cut off from each other, entire companies of Honored Blades routed and slaughtered to a man, and whole continents taken into slavery. The rigid structures of the Honored Blades brought them only defeat after defeat, refusing to change to any circumstance believing that it would eventually tire the traitors. Sadly, it did no such thing, and 2 years later the chapter appeared to be on the brink of extinction, if not for a single man. 

 

I am not very keen abot the idea that your mens guard such a imense important world system alone. If it is this important, surley other forces and messaures were taken before. Even if you state that there are some PDFs and Regiments. But as before said, you should clear when which threat has apperead.

 

The idea of what your system give its identy is fine in my eyes.

 

Is it really necesary to differ your gene origin this much and shroud it? Maybe just say they lost there records during a fatal incurison at there HQ.

 

The sudden and nearly complete anhilation, idk, i find it a bit too much,m but thats up to you. But to realize that there rigid structures have there down sides is a good expierence.

 

 

Quote

 

 In Daylight Clad

Due to the wars engulfing the sector, particularly the siege of the capital world of Helios, accurate records of this time are either few, fragmentary, or non-existent. The best record of this time is an epic poem supposedly composed by the Remembrancer Homericus called “The Helioad”. Below is an excerpt of the first chapter:
Sing to me, oh Muse, of the Valor of Telemachus,

He who was gifted the golden blade by the ancient queen,

Who slew the Lords of Night that descended from the wine dark void. 

Courageous Telemachus, who clad his warriors in Daylight,

Who broke the ancient wall within their battle-weary souls

And taught them of the ways of the Cunning Warrior. 

Against the Lords of Night led by Cruel Desteron, 

They strode into the battle clad in Daylight,

Into the wine dark void, they drove back the Night. 

The legend states that a battle brother of the Honored Blades (no record is made of his ranking, company, or tactical role) named Telemachus Kyrios was driven to a cave beneath the Honored Blades monastery on Helios. There he found the ruins of an ancient palace where the planet’s old “Sun Queen” used to live. In the throne room of the palace, he found an archaic power sword, a relic of the Dark Age of Technology. Upon touching the sword, he received a vision and heard the voice of the Sun Queen. He saw the Queen’s warriors, her champions clad in armor of gold, white, and blue, and the Queen herself told Telemachus of their glory. They gave the people hope in the darkest of times, rushing forth into battle like a beacon of pure Daylight to smite those who threatened their people. And now, the Sun Queen told him, it was his turn, to shine like a beacon in the dark, to bring The Wrath of the Sun. 

 

When Telemachus strode from the ruins, he was clad in the gold, white, and blue of the ancient warriors, wielding the ancient sword he named “Daybreaker” and slaying an entire squad of Night Lords single handedly. He bade his brothers to follow him, to clad themselves in Daylight, to drive back the darkness. Long did they fight, but with the renewed strength of Telemachus and his golden warriors by his side, the Honored Blades fought on. Telemachus bade his fellow warriors to cast aside their rigidness, to adapt to the Night Lords trickery and not let their stubborn pride be their downfall. 

 

Within another year, the new golden warriors had taken back nearly every world in the Ionian Sector, and while some Honored Blades refused to change, many had taken on the golden mantle of Telemachus. Eventually, Telemachus met Desteron in battle, the two warriors fighting so fiercely that they shattered each other’s weapons, and resorted to their fists. They fought for nearly a day, with Desteron knocking Telemachus to the ground, wrapping his hands around his throat. But it would be Telemachus who struck the final blow, as he used a shard of Daybreaker to piece the warlord's black hearts, finally killing him. With their leader dead, the remaining Night Lords scattered, fleeing back into the dark from whence they came. 

 

The remaining Honored Blades, so few there were now, repainted their armor like Telemachus and his golden warriors, hailing him as their new Chapter Master, their “Kyrios”. But the Honored Blades would be no more, Telemachus decreed, as they were not an honored blade, but were a beacon of light within the darkness. They were the rising sun, clad in bright Daylight, a symbol that no matter how grim things would get, there would always be a new day. They were the Solar Paladins, and they were The Wrath of the Sun. 

 

I would say he had a vision through the Sun Queen by the Empoer itself. Otherwise it would lead to some questions.

 

Overall it sound a bit Mary Sue to completly turn the tide and fought off the invaders after such massive losses.

 

Quote

 The World of Helios

The crown jewel of the whole Ionian Sector, Helios is a rare sight among Imperial worlds given how lush and green it is. Its mountain ranges still bloom with trees and flowers, and its oceans still teem with fish. White marble buildings and statues are painted with bright pigments that make them come alive with stories and legends. Gold and silver are as available as water, with nearly everyone sporting the precious metals in jewelry and decoration.

Helios is divided into a series of city-states, each ruling over a small swath of surrounding territory. Each Heliosan is a citizen of one of these city-states, and even the helot slaves who live among the free population are still considered members of the particular city-state their master lives in. Each city state is functionally independent, setting its own laws and governing how it sees fit. However, each city state is subject to helping pay the Imperial Tithe, sending their part of the Tithe each year to the capital city of Parthenos. 

 

Parthenos is more than just the capital, but is also the center of the entire Solar Paladins chapter. The city lies upon a great hill, overlooking the nearby Gotryn Sea, watching the ships upon the ocean sail by. The city is almost entirely made from the beautiful white marble from the nearby stone quarries, and primary among the paints used is a special blue pigment made from a rare type of berry that only grows around Parthenos. The streets are paved with marble, and each statue lining the roads is painted in such lifelike colors that outsiders to the city and offworlders have mistaken them for giants. Orbital freighters constantly take off and leave from the spaceport at the far end of the city, bringing goods to the whole of Helios while exporting the precious gems and metals of Helios. 

At the very top of the hill stands the Argoleum, Fortress Monastery of the Solar Paladins. Resembling one of the great columned temples to the Emperor that dot Helios, the Argoleum is a potent reminder to the people of Helios that the Paladins are always here to protect them, standing eveready over their greatest city. Newly inducted Astartes and Primaris roam the streets, along with off-duty Paladins who often live amongst the people of Parthenos. It is common for even those who aren’t on combat patrol to carry their weapons to remind the populace that even if they’re living among them, they are still warriors at heart. 

 

Idk, it is at all a good description of the planet. But there it ends, no define culture or history.

 

You should flash this out more to gain a good base for further work. Your Tournament could be a very good point to evolp around.

 

Quote

 Trials

One of the first trials undertaken by young Solar Paladins is called the Trial of Mind. This happens in the early days of their first implantations, when their flesh is still malleable and weak to normal human needs. They are guided to a darkened chamber in which lies a pool of water a few feet deep. They are instructed to lie in the pool, and once done so, they are left alone, and as the door closes, all light leaves the room. There is no sound, no light, no sensation save for the water, and nothing for the youth to focus on but their own mind. Secretly, they are monitored by an apothecary in the next room over, the pool functioning as a kind of brain scanner. The youth will be left alone for days, And will often see or hear things that are not there. This test is to see how they handle psychological effects, if they can stay calm and level headed in extreme circumstances. This is also a test designed to monitor the young neophytes for psychic potential, of which they are sent to the Librareus Temple if they pass the trial. 

 

The second most important trial comes when the neophyte is inducted into the 10th company, the Trial of the Labyrinth. There is a space hulk that roams the Ionian Sector known as the Death of Minos. When it appears, a small task force of Solar Paladins is sent to purge it of any threats before it can harm any nearby worlds. This task force is made of several Lieutenants leading 10 five-man squads of scouts onto the Death of Minos. From there they are split up, each squad going a separate way before “losing” communication with the others. In reality, the Lieutenants jam their comms, as the purpose of this Trial is to see how well they operate when cut off and alone. The Lieutenants then monitor the scouts via a combination of tracking devices secretly implanted into their armor and cameras attached to their headsets. It is inevitable that many will not return, yet those that do have passed the Trial, and are one step closer to being full Astartes. 

 

The final trial to be completed before the neophyte ascends to full Astartes is called the Trial of Heart. Each neophyte is assigned to protect an ordinary human for a full year, acting as their personal guardian and servant. Throughout the year, they are constantly monitored by a Helote (serf), who records the neophyte’s progress and every single detail they observe. The neophyte is not allowed to interact with (or more accurately threaten) the helote, and if anything happens to the helote, it is assumed that the neophyte had harmed them in an attempt to brighten up their record. Once per month, the helote reports to the Kyria of the Chapter, more specifically the Kyrios Domina and the Kyria Sanctus. If their behavior is shown to be cold, reluctant, or downright hostile towards the human they serve, then the helote will bring the message back that  they need to remember the values of the chapter. At the end of the year, the neophyte will approach the Kyria Sanctus, with the Kyrios Dominos and the helote lurking in the shadows. They will then be instructed to tell the Kyria how well they did, telling of how the human they served thought of their presence and if any harm came to them. The helot will then emerge from the shadows, reading the record of the neophyte’s actions and deeds to assure they are not lying. If they pass, they will be rewarded with a Apollos Pendant, a medallion in the shape of the chapter’s shining sun icon upon a chain of gold, elevating them to full Hoplite. If they fail, there are many fates that await them. If they argue their case well enough and if their lies and misdeeds were not egregious, they will be given two more chances, serving another human for another year, this time under more scrutiny. However, if the neophyte’s crimes and lies were serious, they will be sentenced to one of three fates. They may be given over to the Hephaestion Forge, to forever remain as a servator. They may become a helote themselves, no longer a mighty Paladin, but a mere slave. And finally, if their sins warrant it, the ultimate punishment: execution by the Judicar’s blade.

 

The first trial is so far good i would say.

 

The second is a unnecesary waste of precious supplies and geneseed. The overall concept is intersting, but to lose so many scouts after they recived all the organs and seed, idk, that would severly limited the sped in which they can refill there ranks. But if you want this, then go for it,

 

The thrid Trial, here iam at a loss. It sound for me like a unecssary one. Or perhaps not as the last one.

I suggest to rework yopur trials. They are not bad per se, but nether feel good at the moment.

 

You should focus on them after you devolp a chapter and home world culture. Add your ideas, even they unrefined, the people here, will help you to flash them out more.

 

 

Iam eager to read more over these guys.

[Beta galactosidase]

I've been meaning to reply to this since November. I really like reading it, it's totally top tier in interesting in the subforum. It gets going after the half way point, I think everything after they become the solar paladins and especially the sensory and humility trials are fascinating.

 

The Queen of the Sun who turns them into anti-night lords is a great mystery. I immediately start thinking about whether she's a Living Saint, from an ancient human civ, Men of Stone / Men of Gold, or is she from Alaitoc. Alaitoc especially since she seems like the Lady of the Lake from Brettonia. Whatever it is I don't want to find out. That keeps the focus on the marines and gives a feeling of how the marines take it, because it's not like they think she's the lady in the lake.

 

It is boring to get through to the good part. It's really good to lead with your concept, your chapter, the fun parts. There are four paragraphs there that aren't about your chapter, they talk about other chapters, or they talk about what your chapter was at the beginning, or just stuff that isn't paladins being paladins. A lot of it is also ground that you can cover just by writing the words "space marines." Yes you can put those things, but half the number of words, and not at the beggining.