The Tattered Prince (Minidex WIP)

[TheTrans]

Hey Gang,

 

Have started massaging disparate fluff into the proper red/black book format for my Thunder Warrior project.

Just wondering if any of you delightful 30k boffins could cast a critical eye over it to see if you can spot any heinous lore mistakes or spelling or what not.

There is still more units to add (and fluff) but this is what I'll hopefully be taking to an event in January.

 

Minidex

 

Thanks in advance gang!

 

 

[Grotsmasha]

Page 4 nautical is spelt Nnutical

 

 

After this upstart the status-quo remained for manyweeks. While threats weremade, forces mustered, plansdrawn up, noting of noteoccured

upset maybe?

 

Then on one ill fated nightZG-Otdykha fell from thesky. There was not a singlesurvivor of the calamity. Nota single life-ballon wasloosed, a single request foraid sent, nothing

balloon

 

shoulders hung huge cloaks,festooned with animal pelts.They were festooned with allmanner of vicious weaponry.

 

feestooned twice, too close together. first one could be garbed, second one could be armed or brandished

 

The ramp hissed down and alone one of the great bronze-clad warriors that had beennightmarishly tearing theirway through the defenders ofZG-Zhertva for the past fewdays strode down thegangway

This reads a little awkwardly, maybe "and a lone member of the great bronze-clad...."

 

I've haven't looked through any of the units though.  

 

 

 

Feel free to disregard, but the two halves felt a little disjointed to me. As the reader, I *KNEW* that the XXth woud show up on Vozdokh Glavnaya, but the transition felt....I don't Know the work I'm looking for.....

Again, just a suggestion, but maybe open with the planet section of the lore, then transition into the XXth's origins and details, I think it may transition a little more naturally.

 

 

Don't misunderstand me either, both sections of the lore work as they are, it was just the transition the drew me out of the story.

 

Cheers,

Joni

Edited November 18, 2020 by Grotsmasha

[TheTrans]

Thanks @grotsmasha !

I'll move through and neaten the spelling parts and punctuation! I've been over a few times but I feel you become blind to the spelling mistakes and what not at some point haha.

Should I possibly put the XXth section after the planet run down? Or almost as an aside, here its what the XXth where prior to the VG campaign?

 

Thanks in advance! 

[Grotsmasha]

After more thought, I've narrowed down what made the transition a little jarring. The XXth part closes with them sinking back into Terra to cause damage and claim vengeance, but then the next paragraph is straight into the planet. Perhaps reducing the image to about 75% of it's current size will give you enough space to get in a small sentence or two to explain that these actions caused them to be hunted by the Custodes, to the point they were forced from the planet, or allude to their departure from Terra.

[TheTrans]

What about maybe a sheet or two of like 'confirmed thunder warrior sightings' or some such on the next two page spread, done in maybe like an imperial missive report or some such? 

[Grotsmasha]

That could work :tu:

[b1soul]

You mention that even old or dying TW are a force to be reckoned with, but I think the idea is that TW deterioration is really quite rapid and severe and TW are prone to unpredictable and catastrophic failure, mentally and/or physically

 

This seems to be the aspect of the TW most hard to represent on the tabletop.

 

It would almost be like a Perils of the Flesh (with various possible negative outcomes)? Wonder how you'd address it?

[TheTrans]

That could work

Currently working through it good sir!

 

You mention that even old or dying TW are a force to be reckoned with, but I think the idea is that TW deterioration is really quite rapid and severe and TW are prone to unpredictable and catastrophic failure, mentally and/or physically

 

This seems to be the aspect of the TW most hard to represent on the tabletop.

 

It would almost be like a Perils of the Flesh (with various possible negative outcomes)? Wonder how you'd address it?

Sorry mate, didn't spot this post!

 

In regards to that statement, is more hinting toward how powerful they are, even if aged and patched together.

 

There is certainly the element to instantaneous catastrophic failures, but those are just that, those warriors are done, dead, kaput, they aren't the aged or dying ones.. they are just straight up dead haha.

 

That make sense?