System Sound Posted June 13, 2023 Share Posted June 13, 2023 (edited) So to start of, a little disclaimer. I've been writing and creating a small narrative of sorts for a couple of years now. For now, most of it takes place on one planet, but it's fragmented across multiple time periods. From Dark Age of Technology, to age apostasy and more current timeline. This does involve multiple characters and places also. Why is this important? Well all of my stories are/will be connected. Each revealing a piece of a puzzle that will form a bigger piece overall. I hope to flesh them all out to full on stories that are not just descriptions of events that take place, but that's for the future. For now here is my 500 extract for BL Open Submissions, that was sadly declined. Also feedback and critique is very welcomed. Edited June 13, 2023 by System Sound Mazer Rackham, Trokair and Xin Ceithan 3 Back to top Quote Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/378988-all-things-must-end-bl-open-submissions/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
System Sound Posted June 13, 2023 Author Share Posted June 13, 2023 All Things Must End - Malakai's Story The stars outside were blood red. The moon hung low and menacing in the night sky, casting a strange pall over everything. It was as if the entire world had been cursed with the same fate. A silence had fallen upon everything. We were sent here to find out what has befallen this system. But what we found instead was a fate worse than death. From a squad of nine, down to two. And then... One. I don't fully understand what we encountered. It's... Something beyond our comprehension. We have never seen anything like this before... It didn't have a physical body, nor was it a daemon. At least I don't think it was since none of our hexagramatic wards worked against it. It was like a whisper and it was everywhere. We could hear it in the walls, the pipes and the ceiling, but never outside, almost like it needed the plastcrete for its Infernal hissing. And since the damn place was covered in bunkers and buildings, it had plenty of space for its whispering to reach us no matter where we were. And it got louder the closer we got to the crater's centre, to the point that we couldn't hear ourselves think anymore and had to seal our helmets and cut all vox. The worst part is, we didn't know what we were facing. The sound picked us out one by one. Some it twisted into indescribable shapes, others it melded with the same walls "it" was speaking through. Others just outright vanished from existence. One by one we fell until only Mared and I remained. His name is the only one that I was able to remember. I don't know if that's because his physical being disappeared or because of how I perceive him now, but it doesn't matter much at this point. Lysimachus, Mazer Rackham and Xin Ceithan 3 Back to top Quote Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/378988-all-things-must-end-bl-open-submissions/#findComment-5959510 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mazer Rackham Posted June 13, 2023 Share Posted June 13, 2023 I think it's a good piece for capturing mystery, and a good counterpoint to all the physical stuff we've got so far for the Anthology. It starts well. The opening, short sentence is loaded with questions, grasping attention. The following passages build on that, incorporating mystery and staving off questions the reader may have with interesting, and yet potentially horrifying more immediate concerns. The language is good, and flows well, although a touch of formatting would help a bit. We get some good clues as to which Chapter the POV belongs to, obviously with this being an excerpt, those details are sitting in the background. Since we are not constrained by a hard cap of 500 words, could a few more make the Chapter obvious? That's just a suggestion, as the theme is mysterious after all. I think use of 1st Person is an interesting choice which works here because of the setup. I'm sure others can chip in with a bit more, but those are my initial thoughts. I like it. Any help? System Sound 1 Back to top Quote Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/378988-all-things-must-end-bl-open-submissions/#findComment-5959516 Share on other sites More sharing options...
System Sound Posted June 14, 2023 Author Share Posted June 14, 2023 Thank you for the generous feedback! I do have Chapter chosen for this, but I'm still debating if I should full on name drop it, or just keep vague. It would explain why they're there, but in the grander narrative it doesn't really matter much. Also, I'm not very good at conveying heavy action, so most of my writing is more character POV's, which quite a few are about mind melting horrors as evident above. As for this story, I do have an endid pretty much written too, I just need to fill in the middle as to how the "end" came about. Mazer Rackham 1 Back to top Quote Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/378988-all-things-must-end-bl-open-submissions/#findComment-5959650 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mazer Rackham Posted June 14, 2023 Share Posted June 14, 2023 You are welcome! I wouldn't worry about not having action, your style is well suited to what you write, because your prose grasps conflict, and conflict is what drives narrative. Thankfully for the Anthology, we're not restricting to action, we just want what you wrote. Back to top Quote Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/378988-all-things-must-end-bl-open-submissions/#findComment-5959694 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trokair Posted June 18, 2023 Share Posted June 18, 2023 Colour me intrigued. My first stab in the dark was an Enslaver, but I am fairly confident that it is something far stranger. Interested to read more. System Sound and Mazer Rackham 2 Back to top Quote Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/378988-all-things-must-end-bl-open-submissions/#findComment-5962098 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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