Trouble Getting Started

[CrazyIvan]

Hmm.  That sucks.

 

Now, I've heard of another Chaos God that seemed to be a replacement for Malal called something like Be'Lakor.

 

Anybody know something about that?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

He's a very Fantasy-specific demon prince, appeared in the Storm of Chaos campaign.

 

As for the rest...looks like another name on the list of those the Huntsmen shall someday find and slay. :D

[Tubal]

Just make up your own daemon they can follow, not all are part of the big four. The daemonhosts in Eisenhorn, for example, don't seem to be linked to any particular chaos god and Cherubael should qualify as at least a greater daemon. Maybe Exar has found (was found by?) an even more powerful daemon?

[Brother Exar, 1st Co Dreadnought]

I always got the impression that the four Chaos Gods that exist now are merely the most powerful daemons (Khorne is the biggest Bloodthirster, Nurgle is the filthiest Great Unclean One, Tzeentch is the most cunning Lord of Change, Slaanesh is the most... uh... perverted... Keeper of Secrets). And given that, all the Daemons are really just minor versions of the gods, Greater Daemons being significantly less minor.

 

While it's a possibility that Exar could get his gifts from some Uberdaemon of Undivided, I think I prefer the version where he agrees with the Radical Inquisitors that daemons and the Gods aren't really evil but give their gifts to whoever they think is powerful enough to handle them and willing to accept them, and that if a good individual accepted a Daemonic gift he could still use it for good.

 

After all, Exar is on his own version of the Great Crusade and thinks he is rescuing humanity from the tyrant High Lords and that loyalist Space Marines are just their glorified henchmen.

[Brother Exar, 1st Co Dreadnought]

I know its been a couple weeks, but with the release of Star Wars I've been busy. Sitting in a theater and eating popcorn. Real busy.

 

Anyway, I figured it out. The story stays the same except for a few small points:

 

1) instead of all the survivors joining Exar's new legion, only 2 Tactical squads go with him.

 

2) instead of becoming enemies to both the Imperium and Chaos, Exar flees into the Eye of Terror in his stolen Battle Barge and gains an audience with Abaddon, who he thinks is actually a great hero made to look like a monster by the High Lords' lies. He now thinks that the "False Emperor" they Legions talk about is a reference to the High Lords parading themselves as the Emperor. That's Exar's and his followers' misconception.

 

3) Abaddon realises this and grants them some troops, ships, vehicles, etc., basically a "okay, now go back, conquer the place, and tell them I sent you" kind of political asylum.

 

********************************************************************

 

The remaining Thunderhawks were nearly loaded with the leftover supplies from the Dark Angels' campaign when fast-moving blips appeared on one of their radar screens.

 

"Lord Exar," the newly fallen Dark Angel began, "we have detected a small shi incoming. They've already learned what we've done. These aren't Dark Angels. An Inquisitor and his cadre of stormtroopers were passing through the sector and they picked up the distress signal from the scouts we let escape. We're finished!"

 

"Is your faith in me so weak?"

 

"Of course not..

 

Exar scowled at his minion, summoning in him the closest thing to fear a Space Marine can feel. "Finish preparing the Thunderhawks for liftoff to the Battle Barge."

 

"Y, yes my lord!" The marine ran off to do as he was told.

 

Exar drew his sword, spread his wings, and sprang into the air. He could sense where the drop pods were, and rose to meet the closest one. Flying toward the pod, he readied his sword. He cut the pod in half as he passed it, then slowed to a stop and spun around. He looked on with mild fascination as the ruins of the pod plummeted toward the ground, space marines falling through the air around it. The pods were supposedly too fast to be stopped by anti-aircraft artillery, but were too slow to evade him.

 

He noticed that his troops were beginning to pour from the Thunderhawks, swords and pistols ready. They had already replaced their bolters with chainswords and bolt pistols, as he had ordered. With inhuman fury, they hurled themselved at the stormtroopers. Momentarily stunned by the ferocity of the assault, they finally dropped their Hellguns and drew their combat knives. As Exar landed, he shouted "STOP!" All around, the fighting ended for the time being. The stormtroopers looked with horror at the Chaos Lord that had once been a Dreadnought. "Where is your commander?!" Exar demanded.

 

An Inquisitor stepped forward. He wore Artificer armor, an Icon of the Just, and carried a plasma pistol and power sword. "I have come to end your heresy! You will answer for your crimes against the Emperor, Exar the Corrupted!"

 

"I see you fools already have a title for me. But you're wrong. I'm not the corrupted one, you are! You and the entire Imperium! I have seen through the lies of the High Lords, and I will overthrow them!"

 

With that he lunged at the Inquisitor, whose Icon flared to life. Exar's demon sword bounced off the shield, but he swung again. This time the Inquisitor raised his own sword in a two-handed grip. The blades met, but the captain was too weak. Exar pushed his blade aside.

 

As he prepared to attack again, Exar screamed "KILL THEM!! KILL THEM ALL!!" His men once again attacked the Ultramarines. Exar finally caught the Inquisitor between his hearts with an upward stab, and lifted him, impaled, into the air. The captain cried out in pain as he slid down the blade. The demon sword began to glow as Exar channedled his sorcerous power into the blade. With a final yelp the Inquisitor exploded.

 

Exar then turned toward his men as they slaughtered the last of the stormtroopers.

 

"Board the Thunderhawks. We will return to our Strike Cruiser immediately and make for the Eye of Terror, where I will petition Warmaster Abaddon for assistance against the High Lords."

[Tubal]

Two things: You've obviously changed the imperial troops from Ultramarines to an Inquisitor with stormtroopers since you've forgotten to change some things towards the end... Also, it sounds too much like you're writing the story straight from the codex, (that goes for the first one too, though a little less) try not to conveniently mention exactly what equipment the inquisitor has for example. I doubt anyone looking at the Inquisitor would think "Oh, he wears artificer armour", unless he was a tech-priest ofc ;)

 

I've tried to write some stories myself so I know how hard it can be but practice makes perfect.

[Mattias]

Im sorry but i see a number of major flaws in your story so far, forgetting the issue of a deathwing member turning to chaos which i cant see happening as they would be pretty rabid about loyalty to the chapter considering they hate those who were disloyal in the past, but hey i suppose there is a really, really remote chance of one turning.

 

But thats just one marine, why would two squads turn to chaos with him? Its not like a dreadnought would be a particularly familiar figure even if a respected one. His contact with normal marines would be pretty much limited to battle as the rest of the time dreadnoughts are kept asleep. Besides which this dude with wings and weird chaosy armour has just killed their commanding officer and all his staff, and then claims to be their revered battle brother, yeah right your average marine would blow him away in a hail of bolter shells. Especially as they are dark angels who have loyalty to the chapter drummed into them in order to ensure no more ever turn to chaos.

 

Even if he somehow managed to turn them if it was a company sized force with him then if he only turned two squads the other eighty marines would be pretty pissed off and would not let him just leave, and i doubt he would be powerful enough to take on a company of marines, hell abbaddon cant do that and he is supposedly the favoured one of chaos. So he somehow has to find a way to dispose of the majority of a company of marines, which is no easy task.

 

If he manages that you have him stealing a battle barge, there are only like four in the entire chapter, this is a pretty big thing to steal. Besides which the ship would be in communication with the ground forces, if they received reports of fighting between dark angels they would probably be a bit wary about letting a strange winged figure saunter on to the bridge of the battle barge.

 

Even if he did somehow get on to the ship, eliminate the command staff and manage to impose his will onto the vast numbers of crew, the support vessels would not just let him leave with a battle barge. I would imagine that a battle barge would have at least a couple of cruisers and a half dozen escort ships in support of it. All of these are faster than said battle barge so it couldnt escape and in a fight the barge would have a hard time of it, especially as controlling the barge would be tricky as the crew would mainly be loyal and so wouldnt exactly cooperate.

 

But before he gets to barge you have an inquisitor swoop down and attack him, well firstly that was a pretty sharp response time, destroy the company, load the thunderhawks and in that time an inquisitor arrives. Added to which why the hell was an inquisitor there as he wouldnt be working with the dark angels, the whole "no allies thing" is a kinda big piece of dark angel fluff. Even if one was in the system the dark angels are not going to tell him that two squads have turned to chaos when they forgot to mention half a legion. Again the whole dark angel secrecy thing.

 

Then you have him fleeing to the eye of terror, managing to find abbaddon in a ship painted in dark angels colours without being shot to pieces as loyalist scum. Get an audience as the leader of like twenty marines, when abbaddon commands thousands, so he would be really influential? Then abbaddon justs hands over a bunch of men to his command, without ever having seen him in battle or proving his loyalty, why would he do this?

 

Im sorry to be quite so scathing, the story has promise it is just that you overlook a lot of things that result in the story not being plausible.

 

Most of the problems are because you are trying to use dark angels with their established fluff, and a lot of your story goes against this. I would suggest a DIY chapter as then you can tailor their traits to explain why he so easily swayed a group to chaos.

 

I would also suggest you come up with a reason why abbaddon was impressed enough and trusted him enough to firstly speak to him and secondly give him troops and equipment.

 

Hope this helps.

[Brother Exar, 1st Co Dreadnought]

I was typing that around 1:00 AM last night, so yeah I changed a couple things and wasn't entirely awake when I was proofreading.

 

I did chang the Ultras to an Inquisitor. I started wondering "why would the UM be there if the Dark Angels already were?" Inquisitors, however, are all over the place and never mind their own business. No offense intended, DH/WH players.

 

Yeah, I left the UM name in there. Gotta edit that out.

 

Did I say Battle Barge? I meant a Strike Cruiser, the one that only fits a single company aboard. A chapter has more of those, and they're likely to be as well guarded as a Battle Barge. As for the crew members, they're glorified chapter serfs and will do whatever the Space Marines tell them.

 

About the Dark Angels, Mattias may be right. I might change to a DIY chapter. DA are probably the least likely to turn, and even then the Fallen thought they were serving the Chapter. I was thinking another DA, especially an ancient one, turning to Chaos would be terrifying to the Imperium. I got the idea from the novel "Angels of Darkness" where the Chaplain is nearly swayed by the Fallen's words toward the end of the story.

 

That's also why I chose to have Exar believe he is serving the Imperium by overthrowing the High Lords, and that Abaddon & company are heroes who were betrayed by the Emperor, who he thinks is either truly dead or supporting the High Lords. But, as I've said before, that's Exar's misconception.

 

As for Dreadnoughts, they only sleep between campaigns. If, say, the 4th Comapny master becomes a Dread he will go to sleep in the Dreadnought sepulcher until the 4th Co goes on campaign again, when he will be awakened and stay awake for the duration of the campaign. So, during a particularly long campaign they will become familiar with members of the force and will already have known some of the older members. Also, only a Chapter's most revered warriors become Dreads so most of the Chapter's members will have heard of them and/or seen a statue of them somewhere.

 

IMHO Abaddon, because all his incredible power and influence, is quite high on himself, and paranoid (or as close as a Chaos Marine can come to it) about losing his position. I think he would be quite interested in how a new Lord of Undivided came to power so quickly. I can imagine him granting an audience and putting Exar in command of a company-sized group of CSMs (new recruits, not Heresy veterans of course) and a Predator, and giving him an assignment just to get a first hand look at his abilities and look for any hint of disloyalty. Even if Abaddon blows him off Exar could still go to Alpharius or Angron.

 

Well, first off I need a name for the Chapter he's turning from. Maybe I should scrap the whole 8,000 years old part and have him be the first former Chapter Master of a recently founded Chapter who is about to be put to sleep in the Dreadnought sepulchre when he cries out to the Dark Gods to restore his body in exchange for becoming their new servant. They'll take anybody powerful enough, I believe, and a guy who was a Chapter Master a few days ago would do nicely.

[Tubal]

Well I think the DA part was the coolest bit. The weaknesses only came afterwards with the recruitment of his brothers and going straight to Abbadon etc.

One thing I do find a little strange is that he is so completely fooled and rises to daemon prince status so quickly. I'd like to have seen a slower progression, he must know that daemons are pretty evil and anyone working with/for them are un-nice :P

 

If I were to do this I'd start with him making a pact with an independent warp power, not one of the big four but one that he is more likely to believe is good. Then I'd have him recruit maybe some close friends from the chapter that he knows have the same doubts as he and go underground. Then I'd start a LatD army with Exar as the lord and his cronies as LatD aspiring champions and human traitors as troops and support. Then I could start getting more chaos marine troops to build towards a completely marine army.

It would give a logical progression of the characters's stories as well as building up a collection of models that would allow a lot of variety. A win/win solution! :tu:

[Brother Exar, 1st Co Dreadnought]

Okay, Tubal is right. Dark Angels are unlikely to turn, so having Exar be a Dark Angel gives the story most of its power. Sorry Mattias, but I'm with Tubal on this one.

 

His recruitment 1/2 a company so quickly is unbelievable, now that I think about it, but I'm not sure how to do change. Should I have him slaughter them all? Dark Angels are not going to jump on the Thunderhaws and go cling to Azrael's Inner Circle Robes (THEY'RE NOT APRONS :tu: ). Maybe I could reduce his age so that there would still be some of his close friends alive and well. Deathwing members of course, but ones he knew before becoming a Dreadnought.

 

As for a lesser warp entity, can they bestow Daemonic Gifts? It could be a better idea for him to be receiving his powers from some Greater Daemon of Undivided (if there is such a thing?), but I thought bestowing Gifts was an ability reserved to the Big 4. Maybe Angron or one of the other Daemon Primarchs whose legions became undivided would be a good candidate.

 

Well, which way do you all think will work better?

[Tubal]

Well, daemons are warp creatures so the easiest thing for them to do IMO should be to transport someone through it. I'm a bit rusty but didn't both Abbadon and Cypher use to have a special save on their last wound in 2nd ed, that removed them from play without killing them? If he simply disappears you won't have to create a way for him to leave and the Dark Angels might be unaware of his fall.

 

I have no idea wether or not lesser daemons can bestow gifts but why not? :blush: If it's a powerful enough daemon it should be possible, I can imagine that the daemon doesn't have vey many powerful followers so he could put a large amount of his power into Exar. He could become the daemons avatar in the real world, almost a living incarnation of the daemon itself. It would be a pretty good argument when he tries to recruit followers too: "Follow me, I'm a god!" :blush:

[Brother Exar, 1st Co Dreadnought]

But are there actual "Greater Demons of Undivided?"

 

I'm asking that because I don't think Demons belonging to any of the Big 4 would be able to do anything without that god's knowledge.

 

I know Angron and Alpharius have become Demon Primarchs, nearly gods themselves, and could easily bestow a Demonic Gift but I don't see why they would do it for anybody but an Aspiring Champion from their own Legion.

 

This is also partially why I wanted to turn him to Malal worship. It's too bad they had to remove Malal; a god associated directly with Undivided would be very useful to people trying to do custom Undivieded Legions.

[Tubal]

Well, an undivided god would be much smaller or otherwise we would have heard of him by now. It's a bit of an oversight by GW, now that I think about it, an undivided god would be useful even if he was less powerful. Anyway, the warp is described as a pretty chaotic place (get it? :) with all sorts of miscellaneous warp-creatures so a few lesser gods wouldn't be unthinkable.

[Brother Exar, 1st Co Dreadnought]

Now, to think up a name for an evil god! And here's to hoping I don't get struck by lightning next time I go outside. I guess if the original creators of 40k are still all right...

 

He would be slightly less powerful than Slaanesh, I think, and that mean's he's not powerful enough for the Big 4 to care he exists or for Abaddon to grant his chief follower an audience.

 

On the other hand, since the Black Legion is undivided, Abaddon has probably had dealings with worshippers of several otherwise anonymous minor gods. It sounds to me like he'll take anybody with enough sense to fear him and enough power to be a useful ally.

 

For example, a guy that one of those minor gods thought was worth freeing from a Dreadnought and teleporting safely through the Warp along with a few of his close friends who shared his doubts (who will become his retinue of Chosen).

 

This "anonymous god" would also have to be either the one truly benevolent Warp entity or capable of fooling an 8,000 year old Grand Master.