Traitor AA

[Bloodwraith]

Hey guys,

 

In my ongoing participation with the AA project i thought i would post my latest piece of fluff on the found of the Apostates of Anubis. C&C is welcome as always

 

Thought for the day: there is none so despised in the universe as a traitor

 

My Lord this is the last message from Severinus Groth. A recent investigation into the area shows no sign of Groth or his exploratory team, we continue our search but the news is grim. I only hope he still alive or peacefully dead and with the Emperor. To think he has fallen into enemy hands is to disturbing to even contemplate. The following is a record of his findings.

 

Kanis Denius

Inquisitorial Agent and Servant of the God Emperor.

 

 

Greetings my Lord Eronius Null in the name of the Emperor I, your ever obedient and humble servant, Severinus Groth have uncovered the truth as to the Apostates of Anubis.

 

Little is known of the Apostates early beginnings although I believe I have finally unlocked the last piece of the puzzle. On the battle ravaged, warp blasted world I believe was Osira I found the Book of Wisdom, the annals of the Watchers of Osiris. As you know my lord, until now the Watchers were thought destroyed by the Apostates of Anubis.

 

The Apostates were originally known as the Watchers of Osiris, guardians of the Planet Osira and loyal to the Emperor. They were founded during the twenty first founding my Lord. Their chapter master took the name Osiris in honour of his new chapter and planet. The annals are sketchy as to where he originated but be sure I am looking into it. The annals also seem to be damaged and I cannot determine their chapter of origin. What I do know is they were summoned to protect Osira and the nineteen planets and some forty seven moons surrounding Osira from invasion by the self styled Ork Warboss, the Great Hoodlum.

 

The Watchers were born into a galaxy of bloodshed and untested were thrown against the might of The Great Hoodlum. Some inside the inquisition trusted the Watchers not and thought that their frontal assaults on the orks would prove suicidal and rid them of one of the cursed foundings. However the Watchers not only weren

[HellChyld]

very nice. look forward to see more on these tratioris

[Ferrata]

A very nicely written piece, but I've managed to find a stick to poke holes in it :P

 

On the battle ravaged, warp blasted world I believe was Osira I found the Book of Wisdom, the annals of the Watchers of Osiris.

I would rephrase this -

 

On the battle ravaged, warp blasted world, which I believe to be Osira, I found the Book of Wisdom, the annals of the Watchers of Osiris

 

Not that different, but reads better. On the note of adding words -

 

annals are sketchy as to where he originated from but be sure I am looking into it

 

As you know my lord, until now the Watchers were thought destroyed by the Apostates of Anubis.

 

Now this called a little confusion on my part. Isnt Watchers of Osiris the pre-fall name of the Apostates of Anubis? If so, how could a chapter destroy itself. :lol:

 

You've used the phrases "Rag Tag" and "Sniff Out" which, in my opinion, dont fit the rest of the text. They need to be changed to something that sounds more formal.

 

For every brother that fell there was no replacement

Why where they not producing any new Marines. Inq not allowing them? Lack of the machinary?

 

You've mentioned the Cursed founding twice, and I dont see how this adds to the chapter. They dont seem to have any gene-seed flaws like a majority of the 21st founders, so I would remove that and make it a normal founding. Unless you planning on building on it.

 

When you use the word "Legion", are you using it in the Pre-Heresey terms or just as another word for a large group of men.

 

How did the small band of marines (which I'm guessing was tiny compared to the saviours host) managed to defeat fully half of them. Maybe elaborate on this saying the Saviours forces had started to leave the system etc.

 

An hour after the followers of Khorne Masquerading as the Warriors of Anubis descended upon the planet

 

This needs a little rephreasing. It seems a bit wierd, maybe change it to

 

An hour later, .......

 

Ferrata

 

some forty seven moons s

 

Ahem, they are not moons, they are "Natural Satilites". The Moon is the name of Earth's natural satilite. Just me then....

[Krooter]

Ferrata found the holes, but I would just I like to say one thing. When I was originally skimming through it I though the Great Hoodlum was Horus :D . But after reading it, I realised who he was. And Neph, I recently looked at your site and would like to say well done, except why is the traitor forum locked?

 

Well done, but needs looking to.

[HellChyld]

to keep all the traitors in of course

[Bloodwraith]

A very nicely written piece, but I've managed to find a stick to poke holes in it

Ferrata are you sure you don't play the pointy sticks of the Emperor? :D

 

As you know my lord, until now the Watchers were thought destroyed by the Apostates of Anubis.

 

Now this called a little confusion on my part. Isnt Watchers of Osiris the pre-fall name of the Apostates of Anubis? If so, how could a chapter destroy itself.

 

It was believed by the Inquisition until the annals were recovered that the Apostates had been responsible for the destruction of the Watchers chapter, but it turned out they were the watchers gone traitor. Like when ben told luke that Anakin Skywalker had been murdered by Darth Vader, when the truth of the matter was that Anakin had become Vader. So to the Inquisition had the wrong idea in exactly the same way. I apologise for the star wars reference its the only thing i could think of off the top of my head.

 

Why where they not producing any new Marines. Inq not allowing them? Lack of the machinary?

 

I covered this one briefly. The planet was ringed in by an ork WAAGH! no supplies were getting in or out. Thats why they were scavenging ork supplies from those they killed. Also the chapter was at full strength to the level of strength they were designated. No more marine would be produced until they fell below half strength.

 

When you use the word "Legion", are you using it in the Pre-Heresey terms or just as another word for a large group of men.

If you are talking about the Apophis little speech i was trying to get across a sense of grandeur, they were not a legion in the pre heresy sense. He was trying to impress his subordinate.

 

How did the small band of marines (which I'm guessing was tiny compared to the saviours host) managed to defeat fully half of them. Maybe elaborate on this saying the Saviours forces had started to leave the system etc.

 

The reason they managed to wipe out half the army was because the enemy force was busy exterminating the last of the orks. Apophis didn't expect treachery and so he had a garrison force with him. The watchers had the element of surprise and the watchers had gained the favour of khorne. By the time the rest of the army learned of it Apophis had been slain.

 

hope that clears up some of the misconceptions. Like i said this is a first draft (if i didn't say it before i just did) and i'm working on it.

[Brother Renn]

I like it 'Wraith. By far your best work to date( out of the hundreds, even THOUSANDS, of other DIY chapters you have started :D ). Of course, who am I to talk; I'm just as bad as you are, if not worse.

 

I think you have a very solid foundation for the Apostates. There are some minor things, grammatically wise and such, but I'm sure you'll fine tune it and eliminate them before the final draft.

 

The only thing I don't like is the name of the Ork Warboss. The Great Hoodlum sounds kinda corny. Not sure what to change it to, though. I'll give it some thought and get back to you.

 

Keep it up.

 

Later.

[Bloodwraith]

Thanks Renn, i know its corny but it is an ork warlord and he liked the name so who am i to argue :D I guess he could be Warlord Gorbad its just all the ork warlords have titles not names The Anarchist of Charon etc and Hoodlum seems to fit the ork mentality. I'm going to write a proper IA and fix up some of the discrepancies. Nice to see you round mate.

 

I like it 'Wraith. By far your best work to date( out of the hundreds, even THOUSANDS, of other DIY chapters you have started  ).

 

You're not far wrong there mate i feel like inventted more names then the ultramarines have slaughtered tyranids. If i wrote down all the names it would be a substantial list.