Degeneris Report Parts 0 & 1

[Ferrata]

This is the start of the history for the Wings of Death. This section is only about the Inquisitor opening the report and the creation of the chapter. I've kinda hit a rock in my train of thought, so I'm wondering if there's anything else I can add to this. Maybe a paragraph on their armour colour, badge and banner. I chose a report method of the history because I dont think a IA would suit them.

 

++ Title: The Degeneris Report ++

++ Author: Inquisitor Cethegus ++

++ Date: 0.536873.M41 ++

++ File Access Level: Alpha-4 ++

++ Ordo: Hereticus ++

 

++ Data Log 0 ++

 

I have been assigned to compile a report on the Excommunication placed upon the Adeptus Astartes Chapter, the Wings of Death. Unfortunately, Inquisitor Marconus, who originally ordered the Excommunication of the Chapter, was found dead upon his ship, the Retribution class

[Commissar Molotov]

...Imerpium Emperor class battleship.

 

Who are the Imerpium? ;)

 

The piece is riddled with spelling mistakes as I'm sure you're aware, but I wasn't sure just how cruel you wanted me to be. ;)

 

I'm unsure the Wings of Death would have been assigned to guard something. Especially not with a dynamic name like 'Wings'. More likely, they'd be assigned to find and strike the Raiders' bases or vessels.

 

Not sure whether the veterans would report the vision straight to the High Lords of Terra. Perhaps to a Librarian or Chaplain, or to the Patriarch's Chapter Master.

 

Am interested in reading more later on though. :D

[ironloki]

Right, nit pick from hell comming you way ;)

 

I have been assigned to compile a report on the Excommunication placed upon the Adeptus Astartes Chapter, the Wings of Death.

 

This sounds a bit strange. Perhaps "...assigned to compile a report on the reasons behind the Excommunication placed upon the..."??

 

They crew and armed escort, consisting of several regiments of Imperial Guard and Adepta Sororitas, where found dead or had escaped via Strike Cruisers and Escape Pods

 

First line sounds weird so its probably a Typo ;) (try The :P )

 

Bear Brotherhood

Oh god please dont use this name. Change it to something more gothic as I dont like it but thats just a personal thing

 

All twenty of the veterans stood staring, eyes blanked over, while the vision occurred. Unknown to the Wings of Death, they where the cause of the vision and where it

[Ferrata]

Thanx for the comments guys.

 

The piece is riddled with spelling mistakes as I'm sure you're aware, but I wasn't sure just how cruel you wanted me to be.

Oh, be cruel to me Commissar, be very cruel to me ;) ;) Yeah, the computer I typed this up has had a little problem and its spell checker is screw up, and I dont do spelling very well. Science, yes I can do, Spelling, no.

 

I'm unsure the Wings of Death would have been assigned to guard something. Especially not with a dynamic name like 'Wings'. More likely, they'd be assigned to find and strike the Raiders' bases or vessels.

 

Good Point. I'll change it something along the lines of "Base their raids into hostile space from the system Blah Blah"

 

Not sure whether the veterans would report the vision straight to the High Lords of Terra. Perhaps to a Librarian or Chaplain, or to the Patriarch's Chapter Master

I'll think about that. I might go on they reported it to a Libbie, who then passed it on to a Inq. Who then went "Go, carry on". I wanted a feeling that they were doomed from the start and it wasnt really their fault that they fell, they were born to fall. :D

 

This sounds a bit strange. Perhaps "...assigned to compile a report on the reasons behind the Excommunication placed upon the..."??

 

Sounds better, I'll get onto that.

 

Oh god please dont use this name. Change it to something more gothic as I dont like it but thats just a personal thing

Arrgghhh, that was going to be my next chapter ;) Yeah, it was a stand in name (told you I hit a fluff wall), just waiting for some inspiration.

 

Sounds like someones been stealing the Mortifactors idea  IIRC. The last line doesn't flow that well, so perhaps tweak it slightly

 

Well, the veterans were orignally Morties, but then I made them older and accidently made them older then the Morties, so they couldnt be the veterans :P I'm keeping them old so they have more time to fall (instead of the orignal 250 years)

 

I love the vision but I would consider losing the guardsmens reference and perhaps turn it into normal people. It would seem more poetic that way rather than mentioning the guardsmen.

The civilians would make it more evil, but I was trying to move away from the kill anything. They were meant to becoming a more "Female Commissars on Speed on PMS" ;), but if the people could be defending their homes and the land of the Emperor, then it could work.

 

Lovely stuff though. Sorry about the nitpicking from Hell  but the rest was great . Are you giving the Fratricida story a redux or keeping it as it was? Makes me wanna give my fluff a redux

 

No problem about the nitpicking, its what I wanted, if not more. The fratricida story going to get updated and extended, this whole rewrite was meant to tie it all in together better. I read my orignal fluff (which sucked), then decided my other was a bit too random. This one is organised ::cuss:

 

Ferrata

[Commissar Molotov]

++ Data Log 0 ++

 

I have been assigned to compile a report on the Excommunication placed upon the Adeptus Astartes Chapter, the Wings of Death. Unfortunately, Inquisitor Marconus, who originally ordered the Excommunication of the Chapter, was found dead upon his ship, the Retribution class

[Ferrata]

Okay, Data report 0. (Why 0 and not 1?)

 

Dont know, it didnt seem enough to be the first data log. Its like index in books sometimes arnt given page numbers.

 

I like your version, with some bulling up it could work. I'll fix that later.

 

The idea was that those which had escaped had got killed by the companies coming back to save the homeworld. But those which had hung around then got slaughted by more Sisters, while the others escaped to my the current warband

 

Ferrata

[Commissar Molotov]

Something like this, I lost attention in the paragraph about the Angel, but less needed to be altered there. Just some more thoughts:

 

----------------

 

After searching through Inquisitorial Libraries for several weeks and futile enquiries to the Adeptus Mechanicus, I was able to locate information on the Wings of Death. The Chapter was founded as part of the ninth great founding in .M33. They were founded to replace the (Bear Brotherhood), a chapter that had suffered irreplaceable battle losses. The Wings of Death were created using the geneseed of Roboute Guilliman, known for purity, and trained by the last surviving veterans of the (Bear Brotherhood), who had sworn to fight to the last alongside their new charges.

 

(Note: It seems to me that the idea of a grim and determined officer cadre would be really cool. It avoids dragging an official chapter into the mire, also. Could suggest why they went to the Inqusition about the visions, also.)

 

The Wings of Death were assigned to the Aeternare system in the Ultima Segmentum. Aeternare had been under concerted attack by Xenos Raiders, and the Wings of Death were tasked with locating and attacking the Xenos strongholds.

 

The Aeternare system contains seven planets which support life. Three of these are inhabited. The Wings of Death chose the Icy deathworld of Aeternare IV to draw recruits for the chapter. This was not their only recruiting ground, however; the Wings of Death regularly recruited from the worlds they fought on.

 

(Note: I'm unsure whether Aeternare Prime would be a forgeworld, and whether the Adeptus Mechanicus would appreciate a marine chapter being so close to their forge world. The AdMech likely would have raised a force to defend their interests. It might be better to have Aeternare in another system. I don't know how it adds to your story, honestly.)

 

The Wings of Death were assigned the Battle Barge Adramelchk along with the Cruisers Arrow of Raguel and Shield of Maion and left Mars in 548.M33.

 

(Note: Not sure they'd leave Terra. They would have been created from a Forge World, such as Mars).

 

While travelling to Aeternare, the nascent chapter was gathered aboard the Adramelchk by their trainers. As the (Bear Brotherhood) veterans stood before the assembled chapter, all were struck by a vision. The content of the vision so concerned the Veterans that they contacted the Inquisition and the High Lords of Terra. Both institutions advised the Veterans to continue training the Wings of Death.

 

This account of the vision was dictated by Brother-Captain Paschar of the (Bear Brotherhood):

 

"The giantSpace Marine strode across the battle field, clad in orange armour.

In his right hand he clutched a large banner, emblazoned with a reaper wielding his scythe. Below the reaper where flames, which licked up it. As the Marine crossed the field, he seemed not to care where he stood, crushing wounded men under his feet.

 

He saw three Guardsmen fleeing. In an instant, he had turned and emptied the magazine of his bolt pistol into their backs. As the bodies fell to the ground, I could hear whispered words that seemed to echo for eternity. I knew that with each repetition of these words, another loyal servant of Humanity would fall:

 

 

[Ferrata]

Cheers for the help. I want copy your ideas word for word (otherwise I may as well have you write my fluff) but it gives me another view on the situation.

 

If you didnt read the Fratricida fluff, you wouldnt undertand the last bit.

 

Ferrata