The Dragonkin

[Talock]

hi again all here is a bit of a different thing but i know it need to be updated and i well but here it is

 

comments plz

 

Chapter Name: Dragonkin

 

Chapter Gene-seed: Unknown

 

Chapter Founding: 13th

 

Origins:the Dragonkin Origin remains shrouded in mystery although what is known their founding was due to a rapidly growing, Orc threat on the eastern fringe of the Galaxy.

 

One of the biggest mysteries to the Galaxy at large, is still their home world of Geron VII, it is said that the tribes that inhabit the world worship the Dragons that also inhabits the planet in Blood rituals of brotherhood. Many years ago it is believed that Legends say the tribes of the planet with their Dragon Allies fought off a chaos invasion for 7 weeks till the Blood Angels arrived, Upon arrival the Blood Angels found the Chaos forces had been killed off by the tribals, immediately after the founding of the Chapter had occurred.

 

In their early years, the Chapters skills were respected by many of the other Chapters. Their skills in rapid deployment, said to be all most as good as that of the Raven Guard, and with a Lust for Battle as strong, if not stronger then the Blood Angels.

 

The High Lords of Terra had high hopes for this loyal and greatly skilled Chapter. The high lords worried that even though the Chapter had now become loyal space marines with out fail there were still rumours that worried the High Lords.

 

Some of the rumours claim the Chapter as a whole had retained the ways of old, in the worship of their Dragon Allies in Blood rituals also rumours of mutation from with in the Chapter that have been supported by reports from Space Marine Chapters fighting along side the Dragonkin, one such Chapter is the Arch Angels whom have fought side by side with the Dragonkin on many campaigns and reports beast on the battle field that were unlike any thing they had see with powerful claws and mighty wings like demons that the Dragonkin commanded, also some strange weapons that blocked flamer attacks and were heated red and in lest then a sec cold to the touch.

 

And with these rumours the high lords chose a Space Marine, a leader of their choosing for this quiet unique army. Urick of the Death-watch was to be Chapter Masters, so that the Chapter, would live as they wanted and the Chapter was young believed that what the High Lords did was for the best.

 

Master Urick lead them for years, but out of his control the Chapter continued their worship of the Dragons. In time, around the 50th year of Urick

[Commissar Molotov]

Well, it's frightfully vogue for a chapter to have a name-change in its' history... but I'm not entirely sure what your chapter gets out of it.

 

Certainly a good reason for a new chapter to be created - the Ultramarines and their constant battles with Orks certainly set the scene for your chapter.

 

I'm confused about the legends - are you saying that tribesmen fought off the chaos invasion? Or that the Dragonkin did?

 

For a start, you're making assumptions about the Deathwatch that we don't have. We don't know if they have a single solitary chapter master, and I doubt that the Chapter Master would be assigned to another chapter. The High Lords of Terra could not dictate to a marine chapter like that even if they wanted to. From the sounds of what you're saying the Dragonkin were established by then, so they wouldn't need a new chapter master. I'm also unsure exactly why the chapter would have a new chapter master assigned - because they're worshipping dragons? There's an animal-worshipping chapter that got excommunicated for something similar, so I doubt the Dragonkin would get a new chapter master. You need to make this section clearer so it can be understood.

 

I'll say this - the High Lords can excommunicate a chapter, and turn all other Imperial organisations against them. But when it comes to marines, all they can do is smile and ask nicely. They would have no say over who became a chapter master, especially not when your chapter was established.

 

- Your chapter would not 'throw away' a name. There are marines in your chapter's past that fought and died for that name, that would kill anyone who dishonoured that name. Throw away that name, and you throw away the deeds of all the marines who fought and died for that name. Especially because the Dragonkin's first chapter master would have chosen the name, it's hardly a bad choice.

 

Now, I'm wondering - was this Deathwatch super-marine the chapter's first master? In which case, it might be easier to say a Salamander who had served in the Deathwatch or the like. But the chapter's entire veteran cadre would have been Salamanders.

 

Okay, fine, the High Lords excommunicated your chapter. The reasoning behind it is a bit tenuous, but I'll go with that. I can even understand your chapter using the Ork Waaaagh to hide. Though I doubt that the information would be deleted.

 

Your chapter's a decent basic idea, though there seem to be a few fundamental problems that need altering. Beyond that, they seem good. I hope you can use my comments positively. I'll give you more feedback if you require it.

[Talock]

thank you for your comments and i have done some updates if you would like to have another look over it.

 

p.s. any other that would like to commnet plz do.

[Gator_of_Bahamut]

"Chapter Founding: 3rd"

 

 

That's awful early, especially for all the interaction with the deatwatch. When were THEY founded? Also, it'seems unlikely that the High Lords would take such risks with a chapter at the time.

 

 

"Origins: A large portion of the Dragonkin Origin remains unknown although what is known is they were once known as the Winged Knights. Their founding was due to a rapidly growing, Orc threat on the eastern fringe of the Galaxy, squadrons of Dragonkin were put in place to eradicate the threat."

 

Unkown to whom? Has the chapter even forgotten? If so, why? If only outsiders don't know, then perhaps "shrouded in mystery" is a better phrase. Plus, you say an awful lot about their early history for something so forgotten.

 

"One of their biggest mysteries, still to this day is their home world of Geron VII, it is said that the tribes that inhabit the world worship the Dragons that also live there in blood rituals of brother hood[sic]. Many years ago it is believed that Legends say the tribes with their Dragon Allies fought off a chaos invasion for 7 weeks tell the Blood Angle arrived, Upon arrival the Blood Angels found the Chaos forces to have been killed off, immediately after the founding of the Chapter had occurred. "

 

What mystery? You don't talk about anythign unkonw or mysterious there. Btw, what's the Blood Angle?

 

"In their early years, the Dragonkin skills were revered by many of the other Chapters. Their skills in rapid deployment, said to rival that of the Raven Guard, with a Lust for Battle as strong, if not stronger then the Blood Angels. "

 

Were they already the Dragonkin then? I thought they were the Winged Knights still? Also, were there skills revered or respected? If they aren't very experienced, how are they THAT much better than all of those other chapters that have been around much longer? If they are using Ultra geneseed, how did they get a battle lust stronger than the Black Rage?

 

"And with this the high lords chose a Space Marine, a leader of their choosing for this quiet unique army. Urick of the Death-watch was to be Chapter Masters, so that the Chapter, would live as they wanted. "

 

As was said, the Master wouldn't come from the Death Watch, if it even existed at the time of the 3rd founding.

 

"Master Urick lead them for years, but the Chapter continued their worship of the Dragons. In time, around the 50th year of Urick

[Talock]

more updates have taken place

[Gator_of_Bahamut]

You should make some notation of where you have made changes, or repost the fluff once you've changed it.

 

"...they were once known as the Dragon Knights."

-Again, a pointless name change. Why not just call them the Dragonkin to begin with?

 

"...worship the Dragons that also live there in Blood rituals of brother hood."

-Blood rituals? Just what geneseed are you using here? Seems a bit sanguine for Ultra successors. Btw, brotherhood is one word.

 

"...said to all most as good as..."

-Grammar.

 

"...even in genetic modification of their own genes with that of the Dragons."

-I don't think the Empire in general, and especially not Marines, can do gene splicing. I think that knowledge would be considered a legend from the Dark Age of Technology.

 

"...quiet unique army. Urick of the Death-watch was to be..."

-Why are they uniquely quiet? Shouldn't they talk more? Also, they would NOT get a master from the Deathwatch!!! That is controlled by the Ordo Xenos of the Inquisition. They are Ultras geneseed, so they would get a Master from the Ultras or a successor. Hey may have SERVED in the Deathwatch for a time, but he would not be taken directly from it.

 

"...most trusted Honour Guard..."

-You have an extra 'u' in honor. :)

 

"...in maintaining their own weapons and wargear, and their own ships with the help of Imperial Technology and their Dragon Allies. "

-You still dont' explain what role the dragons play!

 

"The Chapter eventually changed their name from the Dragon Knights, and were soon known as the Dragonkin in tribute to their Dragon Brothers."

-The old name worked just fine for honoring the dragons. Why bother? Changing the name AFTER their exile might make more sense.

 

"So an Inquisitor team was sent to investigate the Chapter and their home world, what transpired there is lost to time but history states that the high lords exiled the Chapter for what they had done, and in belief they were tainted by Chaos and the Chapter turned on the High lords in belief that they were using the word of the God Emperor to their own ends, the high lords made the decision to obliterate the Dragonkin but before the high lords could send a team to cleanse the world a massive Orc Waaagh began and the High Lords were cut off by Orcs, the Waaagh wiped out two other Chapters that were located in the area and so the High Lords believed the Dragonkin traitors had been destroyed as well."

-Aside from not explaining WHY the High Lords believed the Dragons were destroyed, that is all ONE LOOOOOOOONNNNNG run-on sentence. I've heard of being late for your period, but that's a very pregnant sentence!

 

"So Chapter was forgotten."

-Ok, not only are we missing a word here, a 4 letter sentence following a world record one seems like a very weak ending.

 

Ok, much improved over previous versions, for sure! You have some room for improvement, though. Some of the story elements still dont' make sense, and you don't explain what happened to them post-exile. Unless you're playing with them at the time of the teen foundings, you need to complete some more of the story.

 

Also, you need to do some proofreading. You have a lot of grammar mistakes and inconsistent capitalization.

[Commissar Molotov]

Gator, I often find that criticising people for their grammar and spelling isn't fair in the Liber - and I say that as a member of the Ordo Literatus. For example, I could complain about your z in 'capitalization', just like you complain about the u in 'honour'. You know full well what a 'Blood Angle' is, or how 'quiet unique' means 'quite unique'. I think it's a bit unfair to pick holes at problems that aren't there.

 

Now, you agree with a lot of what I said, which is good. But don't forget that blood rituals aren't just the realm of Blood Angels successors. The Mortifactors, for example, have blood rituals. For example, they force Uriel Ventris to participate in one such ritual before considering to help the Ultramarines at Tarsis Ultra. The White Scars, for example, have some uniquely barbaric self-mutilation acts. I would hope that we as fluff-mongers have an open enough imagination that we don't automatically have to connect 'blood' with 'blood angels'.

[Talock]

new updates plz comment all

[StormDragon]

I've only just read this thread but looking at the comments by Molotov and Gator I assume there was a lot more fluff than what's up here now.

 

I really do think you need to add some more detail. With the latest version they are little more than a name and a colour scheme.

 

Looking through the previous comments it looks like you want to have the Dragonkin on the wrong side of the Inquisition, but still have a homeworld. The problem with that is the =][= know exactly where to come looking for you. Might be better to have them get wind the Inquistion are on their way to excommunicate them and have them take off in their fleet. That way they could keep one step ahead of the =][= and it'd give you some interesting angles for their fluff. You could have the "official" info on them about how they're a bunch of no good chaos worshiping traitors. And then the tales from the people they've helped of how these wariors came to them in their hour of need to detroy the [insert your favourite bad guys here] and then disapeared just before the official imperial troops arrived.

[Talock]

thank you all for your commnets so far i have again updated would like you to all if you wouldn't mind to have another look ok thank you again

 

p.s. any commnet welcome plz commnet every one

[Gator_of_Bahamut]

Talock, most of the updates look pretty minor, though I'm glad to see you're adding more sections for after the chapter was forgotten. I agree, though, tha if you wwant them to be rogue, you had best have them abandon their homeworld. You should try to finalize more of it before your next update. We can't read your mind, so unless you put it out there for us to read, we can't help ya. I like the choice of the 13th founding, though.

 

@Molotov: I don't usually bug people for grammar and spelling in normal posts, but this is his chapter IA! I'm trying to help my co-founder achieve a professional quality work by acting as his proofreader. Proofreading your own work can be difficult, as one tends to see what they want to see, rather than what is actually on the page. Sure I knew what he meant by Blood Angle...but did he realize his spelling mistake before I mentioned it? The u bit was a joke, though, I was teasing him for using Anglo-centric spelling. Please reactivate your humor sense before reading my posts. Why would he tease me about capitalization, though, that's the correct spelling!