DIY chapter: White Crusaders *WIP*

[solid snake drive]

( everything i made up and is not official is mine and no one can use it. (not to sound harsh) like the chapter name and planet and the captains names and color scheme and battle cry and any other White Crusader related stuff) if you do you should :ph34r: . just joking, but seriously stuff thats mine is mine :ph34r:

 

++Chapter Name++: White Crusaders

 

++Chapter Founding++: 4th founding.

 

++Chapter Master++: High Commander Theodosius Caese

 

++Chapter symbol++: a gold outlined, white cross with a green gem in the middle.

 

++Chapter geneseed++: Black Templar

 

++Chapter color scheme++: White main armour with black shoulder pads and gold trim and green eyes, silver power weapons

 

++Chapter Battlecry++: "The Emperor Is all and all is the Emperor" or other scriptures in the Litania Bellum. Also the Chappy yells "What does the Emperor Will?!" and the marines reply with "He wills the death of his foes!" Also the WC use latin terms too "Bellum omnium contra omnes!" = war by all against all! and "lux lucis of imperator caecus nostrum foes" which means "Light of the Emperor Blind our foes!"

 

 

 

++Chapter Homeworld++: EDIT

Hyrusalem was a barren desert world with little food or water, where temperatures could reach 200 degrees Fahrenheit and could go down as much as -20 degrees Fahrenheit. The people who live on this unforgiving planet survived by traveling in caravan-tribes that wandered across the scorching deserts from oasis to oasis. If no free oases are available, a caravan or tribe may force and subjugate another tribe and take it by force, thus leading to wars over oases, providing a fresh group of candidates for the White Crusaders to recruit from. The winning tribe would have other weaker tribes to give offerings and other luxury items. The few cities that exist are no more than small communities of merely 10,000 people. Their is only one large body of fresh water which is named Lake Milkath and is surrounded by most of the communities.

Around M37, an extremely hard pearly white material was stumbled upon by a lone caravan-tribe warrior, bringing a sample to his caravan-tribe. the tribe leader was impressed by the materials toughness, durability and weight. after may trial and error tests, a process for refining the material was discovered. the tribe who had discovered this material became very rich and wealthy. When the White Crusaders were sent to the planet to establish their base, the Hyrusaleans were amazed at the gigantic armored warriors that had descended from the heavens and so after inviting the warriors to their Corabla ( the tribe leader's tent), the Hyrusaleans offered the material to the White Crusaders as a tribute. The tribe leader asked the W. Crusaders to aid them in conquering the other tribes, but the White Crusaders refused kindly. stating to continue their daily sife-style. If a war commenced the White Crusaders would take the most abled warriors between 11 to 14. seeing the opportunity for the Hyrusaleans warriors to be transformed into the enormous space marines that they were, the tribe leader agreed. Meeteing with other tribe leaders, the proposal was stated and all of the leaders had agreed.

The White Crusaders established their base in the Krenoah, the largest desert on the planet. (although the whole planet is a desert, it was difficult to pinpoint a location on the planet so it was divided into 4 major deserts). The White Crusaders Fortress-Monastary, Heavens Cathedral is situated where all kinds of dangerous predators and insects lie. the most lethal of all the predators lurking in the desert is the Sand Slitherer (hard to pronounce ^_^). An octopus like beast that can grow up to 10 feet across and can wait motionlesly for up to 8 years for something to tread near its venomous claws and stinger-tipped tentacles. the Sand Slitherer can survive 5 years with no water. it is tradition that in order for an eligeble candidate to be inducted into the ranks of the White Crusaders, he must go out and hunt on of these foul creatures and bring its body back to the cathedral.

 

 

 

++Chapter Traits++: Trust your battle brothers, No Mercy No Respite (eye to eye, Death before dishonour) Major Divergence.

 

++Chapter orginization++:

same as codex chapters except that captains are called lord generals and the chapter master is called the High King. every one hundred years one lord general is promoted to High lord general, who is the right hand man of the High Commander. It is more of a Ceremonial Honor than a battle rank, it is the High Commander that has absolute power and authority over all. The High lord general (not to be confused with a High Lord of Terra) is the second head figure in the council of lord generals who discuss current problems and crusades. There is also an elite group of 10 marines in the first company who are the Knights Guard. every Crusader aspires to reach the rank of the Knights Guard for they are the elite guard of the chapter banner and the guards of the lord generals. given artificer armour and power swords they slay all in the Emperor's name.

 

 

++Chapter Doctrine++: Just like its founding chapter, the Black Templar, the White Crusaders believe in the honor of close combat. believing that long range fighting is for the weak and unfaithful (those who do not think the Emperor will watch over them).

 

 

++Chapter History++:

 

The White Crusaders were created in the 4th founding from the Black Templar's geneseed. A group of Black Templar veterans led by Veteran Brother Romulius stated that their weren't enough of them to continure the Great Crusader so to speak. So with the permission of the chapter master, the training commenced. After scanning world after world for potential recruits, the Black Templar landed on the planet of Hyrusalem. asking the planet governor if they could retrieve potential recruits for the creation of a new space marine chapter. the governor, while reluctant at first finally gave in and allowed the B. Templars to find would-be neophytes. selecting a group of healthy 14 yr. olds the training commenced. Out of the 100 teens picked, only 15 survived. after recieving the various implants that were needed, the Black Templar gave the new chapters "seeds" power armour of a few fallen brethren believing that their fallen comrades would be honoured for their armor to become the vessels of a new Space marine chapter. the initiates recieved the armor as it was, black and white shoulder pads, but didn't like the color scheme and so after many hours of debating the young marines came up with a bright new look. White armor with gold trim and black shoulder pads, and thus the White Crusaders were born. commisioned to patrol and protect their home planet, Hyrusalem, an important planet of trade and commerce. after many succesful battles defending the planet and its surrounding neighbors, over time the "sector" became the immediate area in which the White Crusaders defended, moving to other places if need be. ever since, the sector has been beset on all sides by all kinds of enemies. Mostly By the Chaos who have come up from the southern edge of the Galaxy. only to come through and be stronger than ever before.

 

Thousands of years later after fending off Ork Waaaaghs and Dark Eldar raiding parties the White Crusaders were to dispatch its 3rd and 4th company in another conflict defending the Imperium from the terror of the Tyranid hive fleets. sadly, the 4th company, along with it's lord general Syrius, lost half of its men in action, some are MIA. the 3rd company came out largely unscathed. the Body of the fallen Lord General was found and laid to rest in the chapter's Fortress-Monastary. The new lord general of the 4th company, Zephyrus, has become a legend. Hailing from the world of Arancare.He was drawn to the Chapter in a vision promising him with peace of mind and sevice to the Emperor. traveling across the galaxy, braving Hive worlds to Death worlds, Zephyrus Finally came to the planet of Hyrusalem where it is said the Emperor watched over him his training for he was never injured nor mentally damaged by the Warp. He had ascended the ranks in almost impossible speed to the rank of veteran seargent. He led the 4th comp/ 7th-9th squads to victory time and time again. EDIT His greatest feat was defending the capital of Hyrusalem, after attaining the Ceremonial rank of High Lord General, from Tyranid invaders of hive fleet Kraken and Leviathen with only 70 marines and a makeshift force of civilians.

 

Currently the White Crusaders are on a crusade which have left only the 3th and 10th companies to defend Hyrusalem: The Haros Crusade was initiated because of the increasing problem of Chaos Taint in the surrounding areas and the Siberos crusade whos perpose is the anhiallation of the Orks, both of which are heading to the EoT.

 

*note* the White Crusaders' crusades have always headed toward the EoT for some undisclosed reason, but some say it is to find their Lost Brothers and have the battle to hunt them down for the final time. :)

 

 

Holy Relics: the "Swords of Archangel" are priceless artefacts that only the High Lord General may use. retreived back from the foul Chaos after losing it when first High Commander Alezander fell from the Thousand Sons, these power swords have modified bolt pistols on them so to increase the efficiency in battle. the two swords are made of White Diamond

 

"The Swords of Ten" which are specially made power swords whos design is similar in fashion to the Swords of Archangel alibeit a less intricately designed. these swords are given to each member of the Knights Order, Crusaders who have went above and beyond the rank and file of the regular crusaders.

 

 

 

The High Lord General Initiation Ceremony.

 

Brother-Chaplain Constantine, dressed in an ornate golden robe sat patiently on a decorated throne-chair while chanting in a robotic tone with hundreds of years of practice. Heavy musky scents wafering through the stuffy room from ancient candles. above banners scrawled with ancient text hung from balustrades on the roof which was painted with livley frescoes of the Emperor slaying the enemies of Mankind. suddenly with robotic precision, he stood up. "The time has come" he said in a disturbingly deep voice. Sitting back down took out a knife of ancient design, cut himself across his forearm letting the blood drip onto a piece of paper. then picking up a quill pen wrote the name of the nominee who was to become the next High Lord General. Constantine slipped the piece of paper into a voting box resting on an altar. he then handed the knife to the Lord general on his right, going around the old oak table until all of the people attending had placed his nominee's name into the box, no word being said throughout the ceremony. when all was done the Chaplain stood once more. Chanting litanies of purity took the box and placed it on the table where all gathered eagerly to see who the High Lord General would be. He counted the votes, reading the name silently and scribbleing something into an electropad, for what seemed like hours, Constantine finally stood up again to announce the new HLG. clearing his voice he announced " The vote has been cast, The new High Lord General is honored brother Zephyrus, may he stand up to be anointed and be donned with the holy armor." a figure with short brown hair and a close-cut beard silently stood on the opposite side of the ancient Chaplain stood up. He wore nothing but a robe and a blindfold for he had been blinded by The Enemy, strode to the Chaplain with no signs of blindness. "I do hereby swear the loyalty of the White Crusaders chapter and by doing so take full name of High Lord General" he said solemnly while kneeling and bowing his head.

"Then may He be anointed with the Holy Oil of Romulius" he said while pouring oil over Zephyrus' head " and take the scar of Ramero to destroy the enemies of Mankind as did he." Zephyrus slipped of his robe to reveal his muscular and scarred body, took the knife, still fresh with blood that the attendants cut themselves with, and grabbed the handle so that the blade was facing his chest. pausing to pray for purity, slowly brung the knife edge to him and drew the symbol of the chapter on his chest, not even flinchnig or wincing at the pain. He handed the knife back the Chaplain, handle first. For some reason the cuts did not clot instantaneously like it should and continued to bleed.

Then the Chaplain spoke once again, but this time only to Zephyrus. " Now that you have deemed yourself pure and drawn the symbol of our Chapter, may come with me to be adorned with the holy armour." Zephyrus donned his robe again now wincing as the wound scraped against the fabric and walked out of the room to the armoury to become the Hero of the Chapter, leaving the others behind to chant away the night. :)

 

- Whitey

 

 

hey that was my first in depth article of the White Crusadrs so it's kinda sloppy and stuff, but hey. :)

--------------------

 

"Brothers, all who wish to follow the Emperor, take up the sword and the shield and protect His domain! Who wills it? The Emperor wills it!

- High Lord General Zephyrus at the Defense of Hyrusalem

 

You had double posted your Article in the same thread, I just deleted the second copy - Ferrata

[Big Woop]

Reminds a lot of the black templars(focus on close combat, everyone strives to be part of the knight order). There are of course aspects that separates them from the black templars, and I think you should focus more on those aspects, giving them a more unique flavor.

 

The Teutonic Order used to bring adventure-seeking knights from England and France (much like modern tourists) with them on their campaigns in the baltic region. These knights would then be present at a celebration in the order's headquarters and their heraldry was hung on the walls to prove they had participated in a holy war, after which they headed back home. This served as a way to finance their wars, capitalizing on the crusading ideology which was common among the nobility in western europe. Just a suggestion, hope this might offer some inspiration.

[The Count]

just a point, if they have found a material better than plasteel then i would imagine there would be various groups all over the planet. Maybe if it was there in small amounts, maybe enough for a couple of suits of armour, which you could count as artificer armour in game terms and the odd weapon then i doubt outside organisations would take much of an interest.

 

Also if the high lord general controls all the fighting force what exactly is the role of the high king?

 

Just my thoughts, ignore me if you like

 

good luck with the chapter

[Ferrata]

++Chapter gene seed++: derived from Imperial Fists (more closely to Black Templar).

So they have Imperial Fist gene-seed, but the training Cadre came from the Black Templars, hence they draw their heritage through the Black Templars.

 

"The Emperor wills it! The Emperor wills it!"

Maybe something a little more complex, like "The Emperor wills your Death" or "The Emperor Guides our Way"

 

Hyrusalem ( capital planet of the Byzantrian Empire). it is a barren desert world with little water and food, many people there live in nomadic groups that scoure the planet for oasies to drink from. recently the nomads have found a very hard material slightly stronger than plasteel and is manufacturing it for space marine power armour.

I would suggest changing the last bit to something like:

"Around M37 deposists of a extremely hard material, slightly stronger than plasteel, have been located underneath the planets desert plains. The Imperium has quickly acted to take advantage of this precious new source and has a priliminary mining team to the planet to form a Mining World."

Having the tribes fight wars with each other gives you a source of young fighting warriors, but also as your chapter ages, you can show the change of the planet from Feral desert world to Mining World.

 

same as codex chapters except that captains are called lord generals and the chapter master is called the High King. every one hundred years one lord general is promoted to High lord general, controlling all other companies and acting as a field general. While the Hihg lord general has emmense power over the chapter it is the High King that has absolute power and authority over all, the High King is the only person the High lord general answers to. There is an elite group of marine in the first company who are the Knights Order. every Crusader aspires to reach the rank of the Knights Order. given artificer armour and power swords they slay all in the Emperor's name.

I'm not sure about the whole High Lord General/High King relationship. Personally, I would drop the role of the High King and have the High Lord General acting as a supreme ruler, but only on the votes of his comrades. This makes his position unstable and he has to please his comrades, making the chapter highly volitile. As for the Knights Order, I like the idea. So these guys are the elite of the elites, the top 10 warriors in the entire chapter bar Captains, nice :lol:

 

usually fires all weapons the army has and then charges into close combat where the outcome is usually decided. the White Crusaders specialize in brutal close combat and despises range fighting, which they believe is for the cowardly and the weak although the chapter has firepower that may put other chapters to shame.

I'm not a big fan of this, you seem to be having both sides awesomefied. I would limit their shooting in favour of combat. They desprise range fighting yet have firepower that can put other chapters to shame, they seem to be the opposites of each other. Maybe suggest that even though most of their doctrine is directed towards combat, some marines still feel the urge to use ranged firepower, although these are generally looked down on by the other marines.

 

The White Crusaders were created in the 4th founding from the Imperial Fists geneseed. commisioned to patrol and protect the planet of Hyrusalem, an important planet of trade and commerce. after many succesful battles defending the planet and its surrounding neighbors, the High Lords of Terra offered the High King the chance to rule Hyrusalem and its neighboring planets. the King agreed and the realm of Byzantria was formed. from that day forth the empire has been beset on all sides by all kinds of enemies. only to come through and be stronger than ever before.

Good idea, but it fails in the application. The High Lords don't offer worlds to Space Marine chapters, nor do Space Marine chapters make empires (bar the Ultramarines). The Chapter will locate a world which it thinks is suitable for them, giving them a healthy supply of new recruits. They might form an area which they can rapidly defend and which pays homage to them, which in essence could become their "empire".

 

In the following years the White Crusaders were to dispatch its 3rd and 4th company in defending the Imperium from the terror of the Tyranid hive fleets. sadly, the 4th company, along with it's lord general, lost half of its men in action and some are MIA. the 3rd company came out largely unscathed. The new lord general of the 4th company, Zephyrus, has become a legend. Hailing from the world of Arancarr, Zephyrus had seen the deepest depths of evil. joining the Crusaders to fight the Chaos and tyranids. he had ascended the ranks in almost impossible speed to the rank of lieutenant(i think thats how). he led the 4th to victory time and time again. His greatest feat was defending the capital of Hyrusalem from Chaos invaders with only 70 marines and a makeshift force of civilians and imperial guard Rough Riders

The 'Nids are quite new to the Imperium, so they would not be around in the following years after the Chapter settled. Lieutenant is a Pre-Heresy rank and does not exsist in normal codex organisation, so what rank does this hold in a Chapter? Why where only Rough Riders present? Was it an entire mounted regiment of Imperial Guard?

[solid snake drive]

uhh

[Ferrata]

++Chapter Battlecry++: "The Emperor wills it! The Emperor wills your death!!!" i hope thats betta.

Personally, I would drop "The Emperor Wills it!"

 

++Chapter Traits++: Trust your battle brothers, suffer not the alien to live (eye to eye, have pride in your colors

Which Alien Species? And this should feature heavily in your Chapters background.

 

I like what you've wrote so far, but I think it needs rearrenging and needs to flow better, at the moment it is a bit bit-bobby :)

[Chinchillapimp]

I might also point out that the term "white crusader" is used by some neo-nazis/white supremacists to describe themselves. I'm not suggesting you change it, but I'd thought you might like to know in case you were planning to stencil it in big letters on back of your jacket or miniatures case or something. :D

[solid snake drive]

Whoah, i had no idea. :) thanks for letting me know ^_^ :P

i'm asian so i have no need.

[Ferrata]

It isn't that bad, very few people will know about the alternative meaning of the name. Also, as long as you don't place anything about your chapter which resembles that attitude no-one will take offence.

[solid snake drive]

woof almost 130 views and only 8 replies. come on people contribute your suggestions :cuss

[The Count]

heres an idea for a chaplain battle chant/prayer thing, as they almost alway have chappie say something and then a reply

 

chaplain "What is the Emperors will?"

battle brothers "his will is death"

 

i know it is just slightly changing the battlecry but... the chaplains usually say something and yours is very easily converted from the battlecry.

 

I like the feel you have going here... very 'honourable' (shameless reference to my DIY, heh heh). Keep it up!

[Ferrata]

woof almost 130 views and only 8 replies. come on people contribute your suggestions

Liber does give little feedback per view than other forums, we don't really do "That's Good" posts :D It would help if you answer questions people asked like

Which Alien Species? And this should feature heavily in your Chapters background.

;)

[Brother Scythe]

++Chapter Name++: White Crusaders (chapter 777)

 

++Chapter Founding++: 7th founding.

 

Ok this is a fine name, except a little mention that was made I doubt anyone would even consider it. However Chapter 777? and the 7th Founding? Doesn't seem to work IMO. GW fluff mentions there are about 1000 chapters and only 26 foundings. While obviously some are bigger and smaller than others a general math idea for me is that the chapter number 777 would be around the 21-22nd Founding. However that is by no means solid, just a thought though.

 

++Chapter Master++: High King Theodosius Caesar

 

Honestly I don't like the Ceaser reference just me though.

 

++Chapter symbol++: a gold outlined, white cross with a green gem in the middle.

 

Fine idea.

 

++Chapter geneseed++: derived from Imperial Fists (more closely to Black Templar).

 

Why not just use Black Templar geneseed? While it is more common to use First Founding geneseed and even when its not used to state it is of that line it doesn't have to be. IMO the use of Black Templar geneseed would fit better.

 

++Chapter heraldry++: White main armour with black shoulder pads and gold trim and green eyes, silver power weapons

 

I like the picture in your avatar.

 

++Chapter Battlecry++: "The Emperor wills it! The Emperor wills your death!!!" i hope thats betta.

 

Still don't like it IMO. Still to......comical? Not the word I'm looking for but it doesn't suit the chapter.

 

++Chapter Homeworld++: Hyrusalem is a barren desert world with little water and food, many people there live in nomadic groups that scoure the planet for oasies to drink from. there are 3 more surrounding planets: Antios, a shipbuilding world. Regos, a swampy death world of little value. and Ellomera, a beautiful temperate world with little population but much natural resources. Around M37 deposists of a extremely hard material, slightly stronger than plasteel, have been located underneath the planets desert plains. The Imperium has quickly acted to take advantage of this precious new source and has a priliminary mining team to the planet to form a Mining World.

 

So your chapters homeworld is now being invaded by the Imperium? Not really needed. The Chapter could I think simply say no to such an inturstion on their world as well as the place to where the chapter gains new members as such perhaps no need for a mining colony? Or perhaps it was one of the other worlds where it was found and thus the chapter still has acess to such materials.

 

++Chapter Traits++: Trust your battle brothers, suffer not the alien to live (eye to eye, have pride in your colors

 

Ok thats up to you. Which Alien though?

 

++Chapter orginization++:

 

same as codex chapters except that captains are called lord generals and the chapter master is called the High King. every one hundred years one lord general is promoted to High lord general, who is the right hand man of the High King. While the Hihg lord general has emmense power over the chapter it is the High King that has absolute power and authority over all, The High lord general is the second head figure in the council of lord generals who discuss current problems and crusades. There is also an elite group of marine in the first company who are the Knights Order. every Crusader aspires to reach the rank of the Knights Order for they are the elite guard of the chapter banner and the guards of the lord generals. given artificer armour and power swords they slay all in the Emperor's name.

 

I don't like "Lord General's" the name is to Imperial Guard for Marines. Perhaps the Chapter Master is Lord King and the captians High Kings? Its up to you but I would drop the Lord General. Also no need for another tier of power with the High Lord General. Chapters are run often by the Chapter Master but the council of Librarians, Chaplains and Captains also help decide action. Also the Knights Order, are they like the Sword Brethern? If so thats cool, seems nice and fluffy and just a spin on Veterans.

 

++Chapter Doctrine++: Just like its founding chapter the Black Templar, the White Crusaders believe in the honor of close combat. believing that long range fighting is for the weak and unfaithful (those who do not think the Emperor will watch over them). specialize in guirella warfare and desert tactics 'cause thats their homeworld.

 

I think to say that guns are weak is to much, after all it was the Emperor himself who had the holy boltgun decread as the Marine Weapon. They prefer to do the Emperor's work close to see their enemies fall might be better thought.

 

 

++Chapter History++:

 

The White Crusaders were created in the 4th founding from the Imperial Fists geneseed. commisioned to patrol and protect the planet of Hyrusalem, an important planet of trade and commerce. after many succesful battles defending the planet and its surrounding neighbors, over time the "sector" became the immediate area in which the White Crusaders defended, moving to other places if need be. ever since, the sector has been beset on all sides by all kinds of enemies. only to come through and be stronger than ever before.

 

Thousands of years later after fending off Ork Waaaaghs and Dark Eldar raiding parties the White Crusaders were to dispatch its 3rd and 4th company in another conflict defending the Imperium from the terror of the Tyranid hive fleets. sadly, the 4th company, along with it's lord general, lost half of its men in action and some are MIA. the 3rd company came out largely unscathed. The new lord general of the 4th company, Zephyrus, has become a legend. Hailing from the world of Arancarr, Zephyrus had seen the deepest depths of evil. joining the Crusaders to fight the Chaos and tyranids. he had ascended the ranks in almost impossible speed to the rank of veteran seargent(i think thats how). he led the 4th comp/ 7th-9th squads to victory time and time again. His greatest feat was defending the capital of Hyrusalem from Chaos invaders with only 70 marines and a makeshift force of civilians and an entire mounted regiment of the imperial guard Rough Riders for the imperial guard regiments raised from the planet were rough riders.

 

Currently the White Crusaders are on two crusades: the Haros Crusade which is to fight Chaos. And the Siberos crusade whos perpose is the anhiallation of the Orks, both of which are heading to the EoT.

 

Did something ahppen to your homeworld during this invasion? I ask because you say they were created to defend an "important planet of trade and commerce" yet describe the world as such "Hyrusalem is a barren desert world with little water and food, many people there live in nomadic groups that scoure the planet for oasies to drink from" kind of seem contradictive. I read it all but perhaps I missed a key damage on your planet...if not perhaps that needs changing.

 

 

Well thats it for now, I like the idea but really need a bit of work in some places at least IMO.

[solid snake drive]

should i just add another post or edit the current latest one?

[solid snake drive]

eh ill just edit.

[Ferrata]

++Chapter Name++: White Crusaders (Niveus Peregrinus)

I've never been a fan of using Latin in Chapter names, in my opinion it doesn't sound right. I would just leave it at the White Crusaders

 

++Chapter Founding++: 7th founding.

In your history section you have them as 4th Founding, which one is it?

 

++Chapter Master++: High King Theodosius Caese

Once again, I'm not a fan of the word "King" in Space Marine titles, I would suggest trying "High General" "High Lord" or "High Commander".

 

++Chapter symbol++: a gold outlined, white cross with a green gem in the middle.

++Chapter geneseed++: Black Templar

I would suggest either putting Imperial Fists or Rogal Dorn and in their history say the Chapter draws it heritage from the Black Templars and not the Imperial Fists. Aurelius Rex did the same thing but with the Crimson Fists.

 

++Chapter heraldry++: White main armour with black shoulder pads and gold trim and green eyes, silver power weapons

 

++Chapter Battlecry++: EDIT "The Emperor Is all and all is the Emperor" or other scriptures in the Litania Bellum. Also the Chappy yells "What does the Emperor Will?!" and the marines reply with "He wills the death of his foes!" Also the WC use latin terms too "Bellum omnium contra omnes!" = war by all against all! and "lux lucis of imperator caecus nostrum foes" which means "Light of the Emperor Blind our foes!"

Latin for Battle Cry's are ok. The "Will" cries are still struggling a little, but I will need to think on it to suggest a better one.

 

++Chapter Homeworld++: Hyrusalem is a barren desert world with little water and food, many people there live in nomadic groups that scoure the planet for oasies to drink from. there are 3 more surrounding planets: Antios, a shipbuilding world. Regos, a swampy death world of little value. and Ellomera, a beautiful temperate world with little population but much natural resources. Around M37 deposists of a extremely hard material, slightly stronger than plasteel, have been located underneath the planets desert plains. The Imperium has quickly acted to take advantage of this precious new source and has a priliminary mining team to the planet to form a Mining World. This Marterial has evolved the primitive planet to a rich commerce and trade world.

I believe Brother Scythe misunderstood this part, the Imperium is not invading the home world, just using it for its resources. You could include that the Chapter were unhappy with this decision, but believing the will of the Emperor is shown through the Imperium, they could not disagree. The Imperium has now changed a once pointless feral world into a Mining world which produces a large amount of useful material. You could say conditions in the mines are dangerous, thus only the tough children survive to the age of twelve, which is that age Marines recruit from.

 

The people of Hyrusalem have slightly longer lifespans (minus war casualties) than ordinary humans ranging from 100 to 170, but combined with the stimulants and implants a marine recieves, the lifespan can be suprising. The longest life span of any brother of the White Crusader was 1,357 years of age by Brother Everaso in 671.M38.

Two questions: Why do people on a harsh world live longer? And why is this important to your chapter to have long living marines? Personally I would drop this part and have marines live the usual five hundred years.

 

++Chapter Traits++: Trust your battle brothers, suffer not the alien to live(Tyranids) (eye to eye, have pride in your colors) Major Divergence.

Trust Your Battle Brothers is a defensive trait (because it encourages the player to accept the charge), yet your Chapter seems be an offensive chapter, wanting to get into combat. Take the Fight to them seems more fighting with the chapter. Have Pride in your Colours is the complete opposite of their Combat Doctrine as you said they like to use Guerrilla tactics, and how are they meant to do that without Infiltration?

 

++Chapter orginization++:

 

same as codex chapters except that captains are called lord generals and the chapter master is called the High King. every one hundred years one lord general is promoted to High lord general, who is the right hand man of the High King. It is more of a Ceremonial Honor than a battle rank, it is the High King that has absolute power and authority over all. The High lord general (not to be confused with a High Lord of Terra) is the second head figure in the council of lord generals who discuss current problems and crusades. There is also an elite group of 13 marines in the first company who are the Knights Guard. every Crusader aspires to reach the rank of the Knights Guard for they are the elite guard of the chapter banner and the guards of the lord generals. given artificer armour and power swords they slay all in the Emperor's name.

I'm still not happy with the King reference, so here is what I suggest. Make Captain "General", with the right hand man being a "Lord General" and the chapter master becoming "High Lord General" I like the council idea, maybe make the Knights Guard a part of it as well, making the Marines require brute strength and intelligence to be part of the Guard. Thirteen is an awkward number for Marines, I would suggest ten as these can be represented by a Command Squad.

 

++Chapter Doctrine++: Just like its founding chapter, the Black Templar, the White Crusaders believe in the honor of close combat. believing that long range fighting is for the weak and unfaithful (those who do not think the Emperor will watch over them). specialize in guerrilla warfare and extreme weather tactics (snow and desert).

This is were you could continue the idea they draw their heritage from the Black Templars, maybe it was a group of Black Templar veterans which trained the young chapter. I would say that Long Range Fighting and Guerrilla warfare should really be treated similarly, as both seem unfaithful and weak. As for extreme weather tactics, I think all marines specialise in this area as they are enhanced to fight in all conditions.

 

++Chapter History++:

 

The White Crusaders were created in the 4th founding from the Imperial Fists geneseed. commisioned to patrol and protect the planet of Hyrusalem, an important planet of trade and commerce. after many succesful battles defending the planet and its surrounding neighbors, over time the "sector" became the immediate area in which the White Crusaders defended, moving to other places if need be. ever since, the sector has been beset on all sides by all kinds of enemies. Mostly By the Tyranids who have come up from the southern edge of the Galaxy. only to come through and be stronger than ever before.

Couple of things here. Firstly, the 'Nids are a new threat to the Imperium so they could not have been assaulting the system for that long. I think they have only been around in the last five hundred years, so its not that long really. Next, it seems weird that a Crusading chapter spends it time defending instead of crusading. Crusades are offensive assaults on a particular area and are rarely defensive. I would consider switching their role to a more offensive position.

 

Thousands of years later after fending off Ork Waaaaghs and Dark Eldar raiding parties the White Crusaders were to dispatch its 3rd and 4th company in another conflict defending the Imperium from the terror of the Tyranid hive fleets. sadly, the 4th company, along with it's lord general Syrus, lost half of its men in action, some are MIA. the 3rd company came out largely unscathed. the Body of the fallen Lord General was found and laid to rest in the chapter's Fortress-Monastery. The new lord general of the 4th company, Zephyrus, has become a legend. Hailing from the world of Arancare.He was drawn to the Chapter in a vision promising him with peace of mind and sevice to the Emperor. traveling across the galaxy, braving Hive worlds to Death worlds, Zephyrus Finally came to the planet of Hyrusalem where it is said the Emperor watched over him his training for he was never injured nor mentally damaged by the Warp. He had ascended the ranks in almost impossible speed to the rank of veteran seargent(i think thats how). he led the 4th comp/ 7th-9th squads to victory time and time again. His greatest feat was defending the capital of Hyrusalem from Chaos invaders with only 70 marines and a makeshift force of civilians and an entire mounted regiment of the imperial guard Rough Riders for the imperial guard regiments raised from the planet were rough riders.

Does your chapter recruit from other worlds besides its home world? I'm not following Zephyrus story, he travelled across the galaxy, stopping at Death Worlds and Hive Worlds, until he reach Hyrusalem, all this when aged under fourteen (so he could become a Marine). I'm not buying it. If you want him to go on a large journey, maybe have him find the Chapters Monastery on their home world (which he comes from) at a young age (maybe eight). This means they would have to wait two years at least before they could start placing organs in. During this time he watched and trained to fight, so when his time came to become a scout he was more adapt then his brothers. This could also explain why he went through the ranks so quickly as he was known to the marines.

 

You've also mentioned something here of great importance, but you've mentioned it in passing. The Chapters home world being assaulted by Chaos is a *major* event, so either develop it more or just move the defence to another planet.

 

Currently the White Crusaders are on two crusades which have left only the 8th and 6th companies to defend Hyrusalem: The Haros Crusade was initiated because of the increasing problem of Chaos Taint in the surrounding areas and the Siberos crusade whos perpose is the anhiallation of the Orks, both of which are heading to the EoT.

You might want to leave a battle company at home instead of two reserve forces.

 

*note* the White Crusaders' crusades have always headed toward the EoT for some undisclosed reason, but some say it is to find their Lost Brothers and have the battle to hunt them down for the final time.

When you say headed, do you mean in the direction or actually getting close? You have to remember that the Tyranid threat and the Eye are on the other sides of the galaxy, so it would be extremely hard for a chapter to be fighting both.

 

Holy Relics: the "Swords of Archangel" are priceless artefacts that only the High Lord General may use. retreived back from the foul Chaos after losing it when first High King Alezander fell from the Thousand Sons, these power swords have modified bolters on them so to increase the efficiency in battle. the two swords are made of the strongest material that can withstand orbital bombardments.

Adding Bolters to swords would make them quite clubersome and probably make them less efficeint in battle, you might want to reconsider what makes them special.

 

"The Swords of Ten" which are specially made power swords whos design is similar in fashion to the Swords of Archangel alibeit a less intricately designed. these swords are given to each member of the Knights Order, Crusaders who have went above and beyond the rank and file of the regular crusaders.

See Above about bolters. I would suggest just diving the Knights Order a normal Power Sword

[Maladon]

Okay, I've got question... but you mention that the armour is white and with black armour with gold trim.. but no mention of the heraldry itself.... so what is the actually heraldry? white maltese cross?

 

but I do however agree on the close combat issue... if its a knightly order then they should have a focus more on close combat then others aspects of war.

 

Example- at one time My DIY chapter the Crimson paladins(still idea on drawing board) has the traits of take the fight to them and No mercy and no respite with the disadvantage of eye to eye.(oops its only a notable diverngence from the codex) so the minor disadvantage of no drop pods.

[solid snake drive]

From now on look at my first White Crusader post for that will be the one that i will edit

 

oh and i edited it again see for it

 

To Ferrata: most of your suggestions have been answered to my most recent edit.

 

To Maladon: the Heraldry is right underneath the chapter master thingy.

[Maladon]

From now on look at my first White Crusader post for that will be the one that i will edit

 

oh and i edited it again see for it

 

To Ferrata: most of your suggestions have been answered to my most recent edit.

 

To Maladon: the Heraldry is right underneath the chapter master thingy.

 

Okay, so I can't read sometimes! :ph34r:

[Ferrata]

This Marterial has evolved the primitive planet to a rich commerce and trade world. But the mining has changed it to a harsh mining world.

A little bit of an oxymoron here. It is a rich commece & trading world but is a harsh mining world? There is two ways you can run this. First you could have the majority of the population working in the harsh mines while those that own the mines live in rich houses and trade with other planets. This has the advantage of having both settings, makes some rivalry between the workers and the owners, but you need to come up with a good reason why the workers work for little pay. Secondly, you could just have a large mining world which has a couple of Space Ports where all the mineral is shipped out to facotry worlds. The miners still earn little for their work but at least there is no rich kids.

 

same as codex chapters except that captains are called lord generals and the chapter master is called the High King. every one hundred years one lord general is promoted to High lord general, who is the right hand man of the High Commander.

Is the Chapter Master called the High King or High Commander now?

 

The White Crusaders were created in the 4th founding from the Black Templar's geneseed. A group of Black Templar veterans stated that their weren't enough of them to do the Emperors bidding so to speak. So with the permission of the chapter master, the training commenced. After scanning world after world for potential recruits, the Black Templar landed on the planet of Hyrusalem. asking the planet governor if they could retrieve potential recruits for the creation of a new space marine chapter. the governor, while reluctant at first finally gave in and allowed the B. Templars to find would-be neophytes. selecting a group of healthy 14 yr. olds the training commenced. Out of the 100 teens picked, only 15 survived. after recieving the various implants that were needed, the Black Templar gave the new chapters "seeds" power armour of a few fallen brethren believing that their fallen comrades would be honoured for their armor to become the vessels of a new Space marine chapter. the initiates recieved the armor as it was, black and white shoulder pads, but didn't like the color scheme and so after many hours of debating the young marines came up with a bright new look. White armor with gold trim and black shoulder pads, and thus the White Crusaders were born. commisioned to patrol and protect their home planet

This section is of great concern for me. Marines don't go "We're making a chapter" only High Lords do. The High Lords will see they need some new chapters, create a batch of marines and send out orders for Veterans of the used Gene-seed. The new marines and Veterans will be sent of to a place of the universe, and the way training would commence. They would find a home world, settle down and fight/train. Some of the armour may be granted from the Veteran chapter, but some of it will also be new. The armour would be stripped of colours and symbols and then repainted for the new chapter.

[solid snake drive]

@ Ferrata:

 

well, can the adeptus astartes state to the High Lords of Terra to create more chapters or is the creation on the H. Lords whims?

[Ferrata]

well, can the adeptus astartes state to the High Lords of Terra to create more chapters or is the creation on the H. Lords whims?

Space Marines can report to the High Lords saying "The [name] system has weakened defences, reinforcements are required." Then the High Lords might decide to either send aid as a new chapter or as an old chapter relocated.

[solid snake drive]

well, can the adeptus astartes state to the High Lords of Terra to create more chapters or is the creation on the H. Lords whims?

Space Marines can report to the High Lords saying "The [name] system has weakened defences, reinforcements are required." Then the High Lords might decide to either send aid as a new chapter or as an old chapter relocated.

 

okay. so should the veterans have stated to the High lords or are they not allowed to be in the presence of an "almighty" High Lord of Terra?

[krusade]

somebody has being watching "kingdon of heaven" a wee too much me thinks :P

 

and funnily enough i was thinking about doing an army inspired by the film but more along the lines the saracens then crusaders...

[solid snake drive]

hey woah. i've only watched "Kingdom of Heaven" only once. some parts of it are inspirations. whats wrong with that? I have this abilaty where if i watch or read something once i remember almosst the whole thing. B) so its really handy when i have to stay and write fluff for 5 hours and not get up. :D ;)