DIY chapter: White Crusaders *WIP*

[solid snake drive]

Hey i've been working on the homeworld part and this is what i got so far.

 

++Chapber homeworld++: Hyrusalem was a barren desert world with little food or water, where temperatures could reach 200 degrees Fahrenheit and could go down as much as -20 degrees Fahrenheit. The people who live on this unforgiving planet survived by traveling in caravans that wandered across the scorching deserts from oasis to oasis, surviving more on instinct rather than intelligence. The few cities that exist are no more than small communities of a mere 1000 people.

Around M34, an extremely hard material was discovered deep beneath the planets worthless surface by a lone Hyrusalean warrior.

[Ferrata]

A few points:

 

where temperatures could reach 200 degrees Fahrenheit and could go down as much as -20 degrees Fahrenheit

And whats that in English?

*checks converter*

93 degrees Celcius to -29 degrees Celcius :o You might want to recheck those temperatures as at 93, water is near boil which makes living very very harsh. You might want to lower the temperatures to between -20 -> 50 Celcuis.

 

You say the have advanced technology but also aren't that intelligent. Intelligence and technology come hand-in-hand with each other. I would suggest that you don't mention their intelligence (so people assume average intelligence).

 

I can't see the Xenos getting bothered about missing Miners as they only really care about Aliens (hence their name). I would suggest dropping the whole Inquisition and missing miners thing, it cheapens the experience. If you want the Miners to be accepted into the world, make so neither could mine without the other. The miners couldn't survive, but the population can't mine (which leads to the question about their technology). If you want them to hate the Inquisition, maybe just have them hate outsiders (which wouldn't work with the miners, or maybe they accepted the miners because they needed them), or they disliked when an Imperial servent came down and started bossing them around.

 

Don't do the bomb thing, its not required.

[solid snake drive]

ok i didn;t think it was a good idea anyways. i'll drop the bomb and inquisition thing. the temperature will be something else. just wanted some comments on how good it was.

 

++Chapter Homeworld++: Hyrusalem was a barren desert world that was in the Eastern Fringe, with little food or water. Where temperatures could reach 58 degrees Celsius and could go down to as much as -19 degrees Celsius . The people who live on this unforgiving planet survived by traveling in caravans that wandered across the scorching deserts from oasis to oasis. The few cities that exist are no more than small communities of a mere 1000 people.

Around M34, an extremely hard material was discovered deep beneath the planets worthless surface by a lone Hyrusalean warrior. Harder than ceramite, but as light as a feather the townspeople would say. The Imperium, quickly hearing of this discovery, sought to take hold of this precious material. So the High Lords commissioned ten excavation teams to do mine the so called White Diamond. Six excavation teams that were sent almost immediately died from the immense heat. Those that survived fainted. The people of Hyrusalem, seeing the craft carrying the miners, thought they were angels from the heavens and so sending search parties, retrieved the survivors and took them to their homes, burying the dead respectfully. When the miners awoke, the teams were under the care or people who were slightly darker than them and were very resilient to the heat. The Hyrusaleans, despite being far from the power of the Imperium, possessed fairly advanced technology. The people had a wide range of anti-heat tech and cloaks that greatly aided the miners in resisting the immense heat. With it, the miners carried on to mine, but discovered that their mining machines were destroyed in the crash along with their communicators which meant that the miners could not contact their base. So with no option left the miners gave up communication with home base and over time melded and mixed with the local populace.

[Ferrata]

Its better, but a couple of questions -

 

Why do the Miners need to die?

Why do the Miners need to lose communications with the Imperium?

 

You just need to answer these questions (not in the story) before I can comment further, because if there is some reason for this we might be able to progress it further.

[solid snake drive]

'cause the heat orf the planet caused the miner's ship engine to explode and send the miners to there doom. :unsure: and the remaining miners who survived the initial crash fainted from the heat after wandering about for about a day and were picked up by a passing caravan. (in the crash the communication devices were destroyed so its only natural that the miners would lose direct contact with their headquarters. after a while (36 years) the miners were mixed into the 'Hyrusalean' people.

 

 

Oh and whats a good combination of traits. because i've chosen "trust your battle brothers, "no mercy no respite" as advantages and "eye to eye" as a major drawback and "death before dishonour" as a minor one. is that good? it looks like to me my armies slow but purposeful if you know what i mean.

[Ferrata]

You haven't answered the questions. You've answered "Why do the Miners die?" and "Why do the Miners lose communications with the Imperium?". You need to answer "Why the Miners need to die?" and "Why do the Miners need to lose communications with the Imperium?". Why is it important to your fluff that these two events happen? Are they important at all or are they just passing comments?

 

Your traits really should come at the end when you have everything sorted, but the two advantages you have chosen are counter-productive. Trust your Battle Brothers is a defensive trait which encourages the player to accept the charge. No Mercy No Respite is an offesnsive trait which encourages the player to get the charge.

[solid snake drive]

meh just passing comments.

 

and so what do you think are good assault oriented traits combo? and if i get the "take the fight to them" advantage can i just change the bolt pistol to a plasma pistol or sumfing like that?

 

*i edited the homeworld section on my first post. in this thread

[Ferrata]

meh just passing comments.

I would drop it then. It is making out to be something big, something important, only for the reader to be let down and go "So, why was that there?". It doesn't add to the character of the planet nor the chapter. If you wanted to show how harsh the planet is, especially to outsides, you could try something like they landed and started to mine, but it was proving difficult because after only a few minutes of being under the sun they suffered from a heat stroke. Maybe the Miners could start drafting in the natives to help, and slowly the natives start doing a majority of the work because the Imperium hasn't got round to sending more men.

 

Only problem with your new home world section is you mention men joining the Chapter, though recruits need to be between 10-14 years old to accept the organs.

[solid snake drive]

that was answered in my first post. it sead that 12 year olds are recruited from the miners. i added that detail in the 1st post.

[Ferrata]

it is tradition that in order for a man to be inducted into the ranks of the White Crusaders, he must go out and hunt on of these foul creatures and bring its body back to the cathedral.

Would imply men of over 14. I would actually suggest dropping the entire dead Miners from the background as it really is offering more questions than answers and really doesn't do that much for the Chapter. I would prefer to know more about the Chapter itself over this random history of the homeoworld.

 

I'm not sure if you've updated this section "A group of Black Templar veterans led by Veteran Brother Romulius stated that their weren't enough of them to continure the Great Crusader so to speak. So with the permission of the chapter master, the training commenced." but that is strongly against current fluff so you might want to change it.

[solid snake drive]

ok... :) :P.

 

I edited it the homeworld part to have a better story so you should check it out Ferrata hope you like.

their are no miners.

 

 

 

 

 

- Whitey C.

[Ferrata]

It is all good besides this bit:

When the White Crusaders were sent to the planet to better understand their people, the Hyrusaleans were amazed at the gigantic armored warriors in their presence and so after inviting the warriors to their Corabla ( the tribe leader's tent), the Hyrusaleans offered the material to the White Crusaders as a tribute. The tribe leader asked the W. Crusaders to aid them in conquering the other tribes, but the White Crusaders refused kindly. stating to continue their daily sife-style. If a war commenced the White Crusaders would take the most abled warriors between 11 to 14. seeing the opportunity for the Hyrusaleans warriors to be transformed into the enormous space marines that they were, the tribe leader agreed. Meeteing with other tribe leaders, the proposal was stated and all of the leaders had agreed.

I think I know what you mean by "better understand their people", but it comes of rather clumsey, like its a routine operation for the Astartes. Just have the W.C. watch them from space and see these wars happening and see the strength of the young warriors. I'm also not a big fan of the Marines discussing recruition with the people, but that is more of a personal taste.

[solid snake drive]

how about the White Crusaders came down to establish their base? and to do that you need to know the locals: language, culture, etc.

[solid snake drive]

how 'bout this: their are 2 factions; one are the caravans that i mentioned earlier, and feudal lords like in the middle ages constantly warring against each other. this gives the White Crusaders a good souce of recruits.

 

i know this is kinda stupid to throw away tons of thought on the tribe-caravans.