Relictors: the Tyran archive

[Astartes Consul]

This is just chapter 1, I've already writen chapter 2 but I'll let you guys digest this first. All c&c is welcome.

 

cheers

 

++++

 

 

3460000.M41,

Segmentum Solar,

Armageddon Sector,

Tyran,

 

Chapter 1, Darkness Rising:

 

The space marine strike cruiser, The Invisible Hand, floated in the firmament like a spear head left there by a god. Night had fallen on the planet Tyran some hours ago and the surface of the planet brooded in the darkness. The planets two moons spun in their orbit, and a halo of brilliant light encompassed the planet from the rays of the solar systems sun. Tyran, although it appeared calm and peaceful, was enveloped in war, the peacefulness of the planet was an illusion. On the surface, war raged. On the planets other side, millions of Orks had poured fourth from their crude drop ships, overwhelming those defenders who had been roused and mustered against them. Thousands had been slaughtered by the green tide, almost half the planets hives had been decimated and their inhabitants murdered before the Orks had been halted by a heroic yet doomed armoured counter attack by the Abraxin 77th armoured who had fought for 2 days, crushing the Orks when they ran out of shells, had given the defenders time to regroup.

 

Since then the bloody fighting had raged almost unceasingly on the surface while in space the Imperial navy struggled to supply millions of guardsmen planet side. While the guardsmen struggled to hold the line without much needed supplies. For Three months the deadlock had continued, until finally reinforcements had arrived from Jopall. The Invisible hand, however, was not one of those ships arriving from Jopall; it had come from Armageddon itself, with one objective. To save the Tyran archive...

 

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The bridge was deathly silent, the green glow of console screens the only illumination save for the light that drifted in through the bridge's view port and the glow of candles coming from the command lectern. Siting inside the ancient pulpit, the Master Of Arms, Captain Servus Piralus of the Relictor's fourth company, surveyed the tactical readouts before his eyes.

He saw nothing he didn't already know. Tyran secondus was under siege, the hive would fall without aid. Hive Mirala had been retaken but was of no use and the greenskins had been able to push up to the banks of the river Xeas, near Hive Tertius.

It all was of no importance to him, scrolling down he found what he sought. The reports that only the highest level of clearance could get, the first few were on general strategy, he scrolled past them, he scanned the page. Sure enough he found what he wanted, a small Holo-link, Tyran Archive, it read. He activated it.

 

The screen flashed for a moment then reloaded, a small bar had appeared in the screen's centre, his well-trained eye deciphered the inquisitorial code in seconds, it was asking for a passcode. Activating the keyboard he typed the code he had been given by Kreil, then carefully pressed the keys until the entire five hundred digit code was entered into the machine, he pressed enter; praying to the Emperor as he did.

The screen blanked out again, then flashed blue and returned to green,

'Access granted' said an emotionless and metallic voice. Piralus hastily deactivated the sound and continued, and scrolling down the page he read;

 

Access Level: Omega Alpha

Subject: Tyran Archive

Author: Inquisitor Ozrak(Keeper Of The Vault) Ordo Malleus

 

Brother Inquisitor

This information, concerning the Tyran Archive, has been bought with the lives of many good men. Use it wisely, for it is of a grave nature.

During the first war for Armageddon, Angron, Daemon Primarch of the World Eaters, invaded the entire Armageddon sector. Although most of his efforts were concentrated on the Hive world itself, a few splinter war bands detached themselves from the main force and attacked the, relatively undefended, neighbouring, planets.

Tyran was the first to fall, the war band of Krithund the great, champion of chaos Undivided sacked the planet's capital by teleporting into the governor

[Dreadnought6107]

'I will use evil to smite evil in the Emperors name, with this blade I defend the glory of man' he said.

 

Hey, I'm sorry for not reading the whole thing yet, I'm planning to do it tomorrow, just to tired right now. Always was a fan of the Relictors. But when scrolling down to see how much I had to read, I noticed the part above, your last sentence. I just think it seems too repetative, it doesn't sound right. I'm saying change "I will use ____ to smite evil in the Emperor's name..." Use another word then evil for that. But who knows, maybe when I read the whole thing it will make sense.

[Chaplain Odin]

I agree with Dreadnought6107 about the last sentance, but it isn't repetitive. It's similar to saying "fight fire with fire," which is fine. But something about it just seems strange. I can't pick it out. As to the rest of the story: very interesting so far. I can't imagine what they hope to find on that world, especially if it's evil enough to drive an Inquisitor insane. I hope you explain the shield protecting the vault in more detail later on. It would be interesting to find out why that one Interrogator managed to get through it just by walking into it.

 

On a plus, I think the whole scene in the chapel with the armour was very good. It created an interesting mental image and really shows how ritualized the Space Marines are. I'm not sure that purity seals would be attached afterward, though. I think it would be best to mention them, but as part of the armour. Also, you have the Machine Spirit start running checks before all the armour is on. I'd push that back until he's wearing the full suit (minus the helmet would be fine, I think). I do like that idea of the shoulder guard bearing the chapter's symbol being the part that "appeases" the armour's spirit. You could probably just rearrange the paragraphs: have the captain put on his greaves first.

 

Now its time to nit pick. But I only do this because these kinds of mistakes have a nasty tendancy to pull the reader out of the story. It hits especially hard when the story is interesting, since trying to interpret what you meant to write just shatters the mental image.

 

First off, I noticed several spelling errors in the story, so you might want to run it through a spell checker or re-read it yourself to make sure it sounds right. That'll also help you catch any grammatical problems.

 

There were also a few parts that just didn't sit right with me.

 

Tyran, although it appeared calm and peaceful, was enveloped in war, the peacefulness of the planet was an illusion. On the surface, war raged.

The idea here is good. In the first sentance you state it was enveloped in war, so there's no need to state it again in the second sentance. "The peacefulness of the planet was an illusion" is also unnecessary since you've mentioned it "appeared calm and peaceful." Using the word "illusion" is a good choice, though. I think it's stronger than using "appeared." Try and rewrite this part so it's less repetative, but keep that same feel to it.

 

Thousands had been slaughtered by the green tide, almost half the planets hives had been decimated and their inhabitants murdered before the Orks had been halted by a heroic yet doomed armoured counter attack by the Abraxin 77th armoured who had fought for 2 days, crushing the Orks when they ran out of shells, had given the defenders time to regroup.

Somewhere along the way, you seem to get lost in this sentance. By the end of it, I had to go back in read it again to make sure I wasn't misreading it. The biggest problem with it is that last part, "had given the defenders time to regroup." It doesn't fit with the rest of the sentance.

 

In this case, I'd suggest breaking the sentance up into two or more sentances. Something like: "Thousands had been slaughtered by the green tide; almost half the planet's hives had been overrun, their inhabitants mercilessly slaughtered before the Orks had been halted by the Abraxin 77th armoured company. The battle raged for two days; the tanks crushing the Orks when they ran out of shells. In the end, the 77th was decimated, but their sacrifice had given the defenders valuable time to regroup."

 

Since then the bloody fighting had raged almost unceasingly on the surface while in space the Imperial navy struggled to supply millions of guardsmen planet side. While the guardsmen struggled to hold the line without much needed supplies.

The second sentance is not a complete sentance, but I can't think of how to fix it right now. The first sentance seems awkwardly worded. The simplest solution is to just split it into two sentances: "Since then, the bloody fighting had raged almost unceasingly on the surface. In orbit, the Imperial Navy struggled to supply the beleaguered guardsmen."

 

It all was of no importance to him, scrolling down he found what he sought. The reports that only the highest level of clearance could get, the first few were on general strategy, he scrolled past them, he scanned the page. Sure enough he found what he wanted, a small Holo-link, Tyran Archive, it read.

The second sentance seems odd. You seem to be trying to string together to many actions with commas. Break it up: ". . . he found what he sought: the reports that only the highest level of clearance could get. The first few were on general strategy. He scrolled passed them and scanned the page."

 

Activating the keyboard he typed the code he had been given by Kreil, then carefully pressed the keys until the entire five hundred digit code was entered into the machine...

He activates the keyboard and types the code, then carefully types the code. Remove one of the two "typed the code" parts. I'd suggest the part with "Kreil," unless this character is mentioned elsewhere or is somehow important to the story. Otherwise, you're just throwing a new name out there for the reader with no real purpose behind it. I know my first thought when I read it was "who's this 'Kreil' character?"

 

Praying that the bad may never happen again, and the good would repeat themselves.

The wording is off. It seems like an incomplete sentance (I forget the proper term for it... subordinate clause or some such?). Just change the wording slightly and it's fine: "He prayed that the bad . . ."

 

Hope that helps. And despite the long post, I look forward to seeing where this story goes. It should prove to be very interesting. Keep it up! :P

[Astartes Consul]

Hi

 

Thanks for the C&C, I ', accualy glad you did a bit of nit picking, I should of mentioned that this is about the 3rd draft of this paticular chapter so thats the kind of C&C I need.

 

As for Kreil, he turns up later and is rather vital to the plot, I don't know how long you've been on B&C but you might have read some of teh Garren Project story last years? If so you'll be able to work out who Kreil is...;)

 

I'll edit this later toady or tomorow morning and post chapter 2 soon

 

cheers