Tigron Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Well this is a story about my DIY Chaptermaster Douka, the Black tiger of Subgaria. Like said in the thread about my chappy, the recruits of my chapter are taken from a neo-barbarian society (think Mad Max, with less violence) in which the most basic structure of society is applied: the tribe functions as a whole family: all the adults are called Father and Mother, and all children are called Son or Daughter. But without further a-do, here it starts: ************************************************************************************* As far as the child could remember, it had always been this way. Every year, with the winter equinox came the inter-tribal games: All tribes of the East of Nisa river reunited for a week of competitions of all sorts, some cunning and sly games, others, violent yet pitiful duels. Each tribe sent the best of their Fathers, and even sometimes a very talented Son could get to compete. The competition determined which tribe would get to rule over the others for the next years. It never happened that the same tribe would reign two years in a row, for at the end of the competition, the Takers would come and select the ones that would follow them, in exchange of some cattle for the tribe. The child had seen it before, and, unlike the other Sons and Daughters, wanted to know where the champions were taken. He had promised himself he would know, and to achieve this, he had trained hard in order to be one of the champions of his tribe. He had fought many, and shown great con, and in the end, had left victorious. Then, They arrived aboard their steel birds, and three of them came to him, the first wearing a black armour, the second a white one, and the third a blue one. Each in turn spent several minutes watching him in silence, until they finally addressed him: the Taker with the black armour told him: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArbitesAugmented Posted July 27, 2006 Share Posted July 27, 2006 very good.... reminds me of the novel space wolf Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/#findComment-1064597 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted July 27, 2006 Share Posted July 27, 2006 There really isn't much to go on yet. I'm interested to see how your chapter master develops. Depending on how long you want this fluff piece, you may want to expand this part and write it from a character's perspective instead of just giving a narrative summary of the events. Keep in mind that this is strictly based on this small section: your story could very well be set in the chapter master's present (ie. he's all grown up and leading the chapter), so this is just used as a short bit of background before the main story. On the other hand, you could easily extend it and use it as sort of a flashback; the chapter master thinking back to the day he was taken. Either way, getting some more written will make it easier for us to give constructive feedback. I do like the idea of tribal games, though. Especially how the marines trade the village cattle for the champions they take. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/#findComment-1064701 Share on other sites More sharing options...
BloodGore Posted July 29, 2006 Share Posted July 29, 2006 Very nice, more coming I hope? I hate getting cuts of stories, that's what GW does to us Outrage! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/#findComment-1066052 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigron Posted August 3, 2006 Author Share Posted August 3, 2006 Sorry it took me so long, but I'm on holiday right now, and it's been a hell lot more busy than at home :rolleyes: Weird, huh? Anyway, this is the second part... hope you'll like it, there should be more ready tomorrow or maybe even this evening (Local time: 9:18AM, GMT -1) ******************************************************************************************** When they arrived to the monestary, he saw many other Takers, most wearing light blue armour, and very few wearing black, white, blue or red armours. For now, this made no sense to him. The Taker in the black armour, as if reading his mind told him: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/#findComment-1069814 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigron Posted August 3, 2006 Author Share Posted August 3, 2006 Wow, I actually wrote the 3rd part before anyone could comment the 2nd? B) ***************************************************************************************** Over the next few years, he received his implants, learned the litanies, the prayers, and the names of the people he was introduced to. When he saw his skin, he could remember the sight of these children he had seen when he had arrived. His skin was now covered in scars, some due to his training, others to his transformation Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/#findComment-1070217 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted August 5, 2006 Share Posted August 5, 2006 It seems pretty interesting so far. I just can't help but feel I would enjoy it more if you expanded on it some. As it stands now, I like the idea and how you're charting the man's life as he goes through training and proves himself to the chapter, but you're just telling everything. I think the story would be more exciting if the reader experienced the events from the child's perspective as opposed to just reading a summary of his life. On the other hand, this kind of set up works fine for a background piece (like the Index Astartes articles). If that's all you're after with this story, then I think you've done a pretty good job. Does your chapter have any unique implants or rituals that they perform during the implantation process? If so, it would be interesting to read about them. One final point on his vision. I'm not sure I like your description. I think it would be better to have the child see himself as powerful, decorated, etc. Even the black tigers are fine. But descibing his wargear seems a little much, and a little too specific. I look forward to reading more about your chapter. Keep it up! :blush: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/#findComment-1071719 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigron Posted August 5, 2006 Author Share Posted August 5, 2006 Well... this is very instructive criticism! No, really, it is, no sarcasm intended. About the wargear, this is just the way I intended to model him. About the rituals, well, no specific implants, but one specific tradition: the hunt for the tiger, the mergeing of the 2 spirits, and the name being revealed. In that society, no one has a name until they reached adult status. As for the child, I wanted him to be humble, and (correct if that's incorrect) "stern"... as opposed to some chaptermasters that "brag more than they fight"... Either way, Odin, Thanks a lot for the reply, I don't know if anyone aside of you reads this Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/#findComment-1071729 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigismund Himself Posted August 6, 2006 Share Posted August 6, 2006 I read it as well but I'm not really a fluff buff or details expert so I haven't commented on it. It's a good start, keep it going. Look forward to reading more :blink: cheers Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/#findComment-1071999 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tigron Posted August 7, 2006 Author Share Posted August 7, 2006 Here comes the 4th part... Though I hope you'll like it, I know I'm getting a little controversial here. Some people say Space Marines can't, others say they just don't, like monks. But why not, after all? Here, I consider this as a unique occasion, something that never happens, but did happen. Either way, please give me some feedback! (Fluff buff or not ;) ) ***************************************************************************************** On the following morning, Douka started his way back to the monestary. His lung was not fully healed, but it did not hurt as much as it had for days. The fur he wore now felt natural on his shoulders, and his senses had improved. On the way, he crossed the path of outlaws. These men and women went from tribe to tribe, ransoming the ones that could not defend themselves and stealing some of their children to make them slaves. When the outlaws saw in the distance a lonely man, they thought he would be an easy prey. But as they came closer in, they understood their mistake, as the man was wearing a black fur, and had scars all over his body. Furthermore, he was not making any attempt to flee, on the contrary, it looked like he was running towards them. Unsure of what to do, they chose to stick to their habits: keep moving and kill whatever in their way. While riding his bike, their chief raised his axe, and went for a fast kill. To his greatest surprise, the lonely man suddenly kneeled, and, as if it was a feather, lifted the bike, causing the outlaw to fall. He then threw the bike towards two other bikers, injuring them severely. The outlaws Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/#findComment-1072888 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted August 8, 2006 Share Posted August 8, 2006 Once again, I want to say that I like where you're going with this story. I like the whole tribal feel that your chapter has, and following you chapter master from child to hero among men is entertaining, plot wise at least. As I mentioned before, it's important to show the reader what's going on rather than just telling them. By "show," I mean that you should concentrate on decribing the action from the child's point of view instead of just telling it through narration. Taking the child's point of view also allows you to get in his head and communicate his thoughts to the reader. You know what kind of man he is, but the reader doesn't. And just telling him isn't enough. The story is much more enjoyable if the character's behaviour helps the reader construct his own opinion. I think it's best if we try working through an example. Let's look at the first paragraph of the most recent part (part 4). On the following morning, Douka started his way back to the monestary. His lung was not fully healed, but it did not hurt as much as it had for days. The fur he wore now felt natural on his shoulders, and his senses had improved. On the way, he crossed the path of outlaws. These men and women went from tribe to tribe, ransoming the ones that could not defend themselves and stealing some of their children to make them slaves. When the outlaws saw in the distance a lonely man, they thought he would be an easy prey. The points you want to communicate are there, but they lack "showing." They read more like a shopping list than a story, in that the reader gets the "...and then this happened and then he did this..." feel from it. I find it helpful to let the scene play out in your head, as if you were watching a movie. See what the character's are doing in that movie, what they're saying, even what they may be thinking. All of that is important to communicating the scene effectively to the reader. After all, if you don't have a clear image, then the reader certainly won't. Since I can't get into your head by any means other than through what you've written, let me tell you how I imagine this scene. I see Douka walking across a grassy field, wearing a large, black pelt. He's in a bit of discomfort due to his injury, maybe wincing a bit when he takes a deep breath, so his journey is slow going (no sense in him over exerting himself). He may be tougher than the average human, but I imagine he still feels pain. He just knows how to fight through it. He stops at the top of a hill for a moment and looks around. Ahead, something catches his eye, so he continues walking. As Douka gets closer, he can see a rough looking bunch and a caravan. Some of the outlaws are mounted (you mention later they have bikes), and between them is a closed vehicle containing kidnapped children. With those images in mind, you can start writing the piece. Never settle for writing it once. Write it and read it over. Make any changes you feel are necessary, then move on with the story. Come back to it again after you've written more, or a day or two later. You'll probably have thought of something else to add or change. It's important to remember that the above is still just a shopping list. It's essentially a list of points that I would touch on when writing this paragraph, because I feel they help give the reader a clearer image of what's going on. Just writing those points down makes the story all "tell" and no "show." I may try and write my own take on this paragraph later on, if you'd like an example. Once again, I look forward to reading more. I hope you find the above useful. Whatever you do, don't let it discourage you. Putting your throughts to paper can be difficult sometimes. What's important is that you do it. There's always tomorrow for improving it! <_< Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/#findComment-1074176 Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaM_TW Posted August 8, 2006 Share Posted August 8, 2006 I agree with Odin. Still, I find it a very nice piece of fluff. Also: drop the describing of the wargear he has "later". I cant imagine him knowing the names of those guns. Just descibe what they feel (how HE would feel it), or how he knows what effect it has in battle (molten peices of ehm... enemy, something like that, death-beam or something). We, the readers probably know the weapon, but it makes it more ... mystifying... for him what that weapon is. Perhaps something for him to discuss with his mentor, later on ? Cheers ! <_< Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/#findComment-1074239 Share on other sites More sharing options...
StormDragon Posted August 9, 2006 Share Posted August 9, 2006 I'm not going to even try and offer any C+C, nothing I could say would even come close to Odin's insightful comments :) Only thing I will say about it is I'm enjoying it and keep it up :tu: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/92682-the-path-of-the-black-tiger/#findComment-1074867 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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