Betrayal

[Astartes Consul]

Hi

 

This is just a short peice I've written, originaly and the IW 4th company forum but I descided to shar it here aswell -_-

 

 

Betrayal

 

He was there.

 

In the long dark nights of the lonely aeons that followed, Hellios would tell the story many times. Every time he told it become more painful. The sharp pangs of grief, rage and hatred that lanced through his twisted mind became keener with the passing years, until one day he shut it away, deep within the only sain corner of his mind and threw away the key. Not that it mattered, those he would have told it to were either dead or already knew it by then.

 

They all had their stories, that unhappy band of brothers. They had see war and slaughter on vast scales countless times. Skies turned black by the thick, acrid smoke of the pyres of millions, earth churned up so much by shell fire that millennia old rock was spewed forth by the shattered ground. They had seen these atrocities, created by mankind and they had simply kept on killing. They had weathered the storm of the years, fighting through hell, long used to its fiery embrace. But before all of that, when they had been young gods among a proud empire that spanned the stars, that was when they had seen the worst. When they had seen the images that haunted their dreams, scenes of horror and fraternicide that had been permanently printed upon their mind by the burning brand of the heresy.

 

They had fought for mankind yet they were not human. And in the insanity of that Great War they that become yet more separate from what they fought to defend. They had torn down what they had built the empire they had forged with fire and steel. They had ripped asunder the brotherhood of warriors that had cleansed the stars. They had destroyed world for the merest resistance to their numberless hosts. They had done all of this, in humanity

[Chaplain Odin]

Seems interesting. I like that you're trying to give it from the Iron Warrior's point of view: telling the story of how they felt, how they were broken down to become what they are now. You choice of wording in a few places seems a little odd and confusing, especially in the paragraph beginning with "It was that great betrayal . . ."

 

One suggestion I have is to change the way you tell the story. I think this piece would work nicely told in the first person instead. For example, starting it off with "I was there" instead of "He was there." Of course, this only really works if the character telling the story understands how much he and his legion screwed up. The way you've started the story, however, leads me to believe the character does realise this. "In the long dark nights of the lonely aeons that followed, Hellios would tell the story many times." Why not have him tell it again?

 

"We had done this to humanity. In our ignorance, we reduced the Imperium to near nothingness, leaving it to stagnate under the rule of the False Emperor. But through fire and sword, we shall put right our wrongs. We will set humanity free of it's shackles. The Imperium will die. And it will be us who will bring about its rebirth."

 

You could try working the "surprise ending" in with that by having him end his story with the battle cry or something like that. Just a thought. :)

[Astartes Consul]

Thanks for the comments,

 

I didn't think about telling it 1st person but I haven't realy writen much in that tense, most of my other work being srd person, but I'll give it a go and see what it sounds like if I change it from 3rd to 1st.

 

Also, I does get rather confusing, I kind of intended that to show how complicated what hes done is, but is it to much so? Should I simplify it abit?

 

I'll get to work of the 1st person version shortly

 

cheers