Ferrus Manus Posted September 29, 2007 Author Share Posted September 29, 2007 (edited) Added the Varl Crusade... please comment! EDIT: Extended a bit more of the sections. Edited September 29, 2007 by Ferrus Manus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted September 30, 2007 Author Share Posted September 30, 2007 Added more... again comment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Thats actually much better. Though I think the massive blue headers are a bit of a distraction and are not needed. I also think that light blue with white text (especially in the smaller ones) is not a great combination. Black text would be better. Though I have to say this is a lot better than it was. Good work Ferrus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted September 30, 2007 Author Share Posted September 30, 2007 Thats actually much better. Though I think the massive blue headers are a bit of a distraction and are not needed. I also think that light blue with white text (especially in the smaller ones) is not a great combination. Black text would be better. Though I have to say this is a lot better than it was. Good work Ferrus. Thanks that means a lot coming from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Thanks that means a lot coming from you. I don't quite know whether to take that as sarcasm or not. But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted September 30, 2007 Author Share Posted September 30, 2007 Not sararsm at all. I really value your critisms of my IAs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 (edited) Not sararsm at all. I really value your critisms of my IAs. Thank you, I'm flattered! :P (For Serious!) Edited September 30, 2007 by Grey Hunter Ydalir Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady_Mournival Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 (edited) I really enjoyed reading this article. I can't really find a thing o complain about or something for you to fix so I give you: :P P.S. Ferrus can you take a look at my blog, I meant it to kind've be IA style but I don't think it really turned out that way, any pointers would be appreciated. http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/index.p...blogid=181& Edited September 30, 2007 by Battle Brother Mecharius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Codex Grey Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Looks like it's coming along nicely Ferrus. Keep at it! There is one thing though, and that's the notable members section. I can see the inspiration from the new Masters of the Chapter models. But the decriptions are small and not very interesting IMHO, and they don't really tell us more than what I think is expected by all Company Captains. Maybe you could focus on one or more characters, and really give them...well....character :P Like the Chapter Master. You say he has forged alliances with local commanders. How is this relationship? Does the particularly brutal beliefs of the Lions have an affect on this relationship? stuff like that. Just my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted September 30, 2007 Author Share Posted September 30, 2007 Yeah, cheers Codex, I'll probably cut it down to three characters, Praetoron, Furyo and Mathyon of the III - the company i'm going to model! @Battle Brother Mecharius, thanks mate. Sure, I'll take a look at your blog. But there are better writers han me on thsi forum. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Your account name here Posted September 30, 2007 Share Posted September 30, 2007 Glanced through the characters, and its not too bad, though Codex Grey does have a point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted October 1, 2007 Author Share Posted October 1, 2007 Edited and improved the notable characters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted October 2, 2007 Author Share Posted October 2, 2007 (edited) Added Geneseed and Beliefs. Will write more on geneseed later. Next up and last up: Battle Cry! EDIT: As a sideline the start of a story i've written, yes you many recognise some of the names. Edited October 3, 2007 by Ferrus Manus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Looks much much better Ferrus. Well done indeed. Good length and good characters. Once he left his cell, he immediately went to war going to aid a world in the midst of a full scale Waaagh! He landed all his available forces, including an allied guard regiment, the 243rd Death Korps of Krieg Regiment; they started a large-scale assault on the Orks’ main camp. It ended when Mathyon led his attached Lion Guard unit to the heart of the encampment and fought in a deadly combat with the Warlord Gruz and his guard of Nobz. Since then Mathyon has always gone to the aid of a planet being assaulted by Orks, there has been an occasion when he ordered his company to pull out of a long, gruelling siege on a traitor world to go and combat the Orks. This has earned him the name ‘Ork Slayer’ among the chapter. Wouldn't this make him unreliable? How many forces does he command that will follow him out of a serious engagement or key battle only to bounding off after a bunch of orks? Why is he, more to the point, allowed to do this? He pulled out of a siege, with traitors, to go and battle some Orks. Where is his duty to the task at hand? What happened to the siege? Was he not reprimanded for abandoning the siege? Apart from that, its all pretty good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Your account name here Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Always nice to see an IA liber pull together after all. Good work, though its not perfect, it is certainly coming togethor well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freej Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Hope you don't mind... http://img186.imageshack.us/img186/9108/newchapbadgecf4.jpg http://img186.imageshack.us/img186/9108/newchapbadgecf4.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted October 4, 2007 Author Share Posted October 4, 2007 (edited) Freej the link doesn't work mate. EDIT: Added Battle Cry, everything has been entered. Now to just add and modify. Please keep commenting! Edited October 4, 2007 by Ferrus Manus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 From a quick look, it looks just about right Ferrus. Great work. I'd recommend this for submission, if I was in a position to recommend things. :cuss Perhaps some BBCode? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted October 4, 2007 Author Share Posted October 4, 2007 (edited) BBCode, sure like on the titles and stuff. But also i'd like to thank Codex Grey for letting me use his DIY chapter as a parent chapter and for being able to reinvent so of his ideas. As well as everyone who replied to the topic. BTW Do you think the Geneseed section is okay? PS, if it is okay, do you think this is ready for the Librarium or does it need a bit more tweaking? Edited October 4, 2007 by Ferrus Manus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 (edited) One thing: We couldn’t put them down. We was all preparing to die. We was only saved by the tanks, praise the Emperor, only the largest tanks could put the traitors down. They moved back, to prepare the next assault. "We were all preparing to die." - I don't like this sentence, even with fixed grammar. "We were only saved by the tanks," - I know I am fixing niggles here, but it just occurred to me that you might have purposely worded these sentences this way to make it sound more like a Guardsman was relating the story. If thats true however, you need to make it much more apparrent that it is indeed a guardsman telling this little first person account, otherwise it will be picked up upon quite quickly. Also, adding other tweaks to the speech can help make it more indicative of a lesser educated individual than an Astartes. "We couldn't put the ruddy bastards down! We was all preparing to make our peace with the Emperor untill the tanks came. We were saved, though only the largest tanks could decently put a dent in their squads. Eventually the amount of fire we were pouring on them was too much and they pulled back. Thank the Emperor they had not gotten any closer, every man there knew they were dead for sure. His will that we aren't, yet." - Vox-record: Guardsman Elcho Varrus, No. 19856153723-08236/AX It's not perfect or wonderful, but it gives the impression of a guardsman talking more than the previous text did. I'm not saying cut and paste, but just trying to give inspiration as to how you can make the piece more charactfull. All looks fairly good Ferrus. Perhaps Submission to the Librarium shall be soon indeed! Edited October 7, 2007 by Grey Hunter Ydalir Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted October 7, 2007 Author Share Posted October 7, 2007 (edited) I like the guard speak, may i steal it? And yes i was purposly wording the sentences! Edited October 7, 2007 by Ferrus Manus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Yes well, I suppose you can steal it. I would rather you put something in your own words though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Codex Grey Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 (edited) They see Ferrus Manus as the greatest warrior ever, but when it came down to the last he was unable to fulfil his duty to the Emperor because the traitor Fulgrim corrupted his soul – so he couldn’t strike the deathblow upon his former friend. For the chapter the first step to becoming clear of soul is to first accept that you are weak. Only when a warrior sees his weakness can he change and protect himself from being corrupted through this weakness. While most of the article has nice, not too long and not too short chunks of text, there are some places like this quote that I think should be put together. It gives the impression that the text is much longer when it's actually not, and it can sometimes break up the flow of a text IMHO. The B&C codes are better now, but a bit off in some places. Like in the organization section, where the Terminator Armor overlaps the next header. You could perhaps change the headers to half ones instead of full ones, giving you some more room to work with, and then move the T-Armor pic to the other side. Either that or the Librarians can fix it for you. That's what they did to my first Chapter :drool: Other than that, good work! But also i'd like to thank Codex Grey for letting me use his DIY chapter as a parent chapter and for being able to reinvent so of his ideas. No problems :wub: Edited October 8, 2007 by Codex Grey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 You don't need to move the termi armour at atll or change the header size. That should stop the overlap. Add it just above the header the image is overlapping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battle captain corpus Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Just got round to re-reading this again Ferrus Manus, loads has changed since I first went through it! I really like what youve done with the chapter, great article so far with some nice touches! Well done! :yes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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