IA: Soul Wardens [notes]

[Ferrus Manus]

Codex I can't see any overlap, maybe its just your computer? weird. I'll look through and change the format.

 

@ Corpus cheers mate.

[Codex Grey]

Codex I can't see any overlap, maybe its just your computer? weird. I'll look through and change the format.

That is very possible. I don't know why, but some things show up differently on my PC than on my father's PC. Maybe it's the resolution on my PC? Anyway, it's not that big of a deal, but doing what Ydalir said might make it better for everyone, no matter what resolution they have, or whatever the hell the problem is :jaw:

 

Again, good work!

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

What Browser do you use Grey?

[Codex Grey]

Internet Explorer, latest version.

[Ferrus Manus]

Grey, did you get my PM concering your art?

[Brother Cambrius]

Superb Ferrus! I have only one thing to say:

 

LIBRARIUM! LIBRARIUM! LIBRARIUM!

 

I think you get the gist of my request. :(

 

Cambrius

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Internet Explorer, latest version.

 

Hmm... I'm not sure then, same as what I'm using. Perhaps try Firefox? It may be something to do with the way IE handles the resoloution difference. I am unsure at the moment, I seem to have rolled 'snake eyes' on my technical knowledge test.

[Ferrus Manus]

Here what do ya think?

IA:Arctic Lions

[Brother Cambrius]

Here what do ya think?

IA:Arctic Lions

 

;) YES! It has been accepted into the annals of the B+C for al enternity!

 

Congrats Ferrus, I know it takes a lot of hard work to get it Librarium worthy (I should know, look at my sig :wub:)

 

Congrats again, :RTBBB:

 

Cambrius

[Codex Grey]

Congrats, Ferrus. Good Job ;)

 

Hopefully the Warriors Eternal will hit the Librarium aswell. There is just a few .... things...I have to take care of. :tu:

 

Again, Congratulations.

Edited October 16, 2007 by Codex Grey

[Allerka]

I was experiencing overlap as well when I was editing the article. It was due to coding glitches, I think. In any case, I fixed it all by streamlining the format and using half-headers instead of full-headers. So, it should look fine for everyone.

 

Of course, FM, if you want to further expand the article, feel free. Just, please, save me (Or whichever Librarium staff member works on it) hours of work, and make sure you run it through a spell-checker first (Word of warning to everyone, normally articles with countless typos/grammar mistakes, irregardless of fluff quality, are rejected).

 

Anyway, grats on the publication.

[Ferrus Manus]

Sure thing Allerka. Thanks!

[Ferrus Manus]

The DIY swap project has made me revisit my Arctic Lions and my love for them has returned, but i want to add to them to make them more 'fleshy.' So what would you like to see in the article that either isn't there or you don't think i have expanded enough on?

[Ferrus Manus]

Sorry for the double post, i've added about seven hundred words. Mostly in the Homeworld and Furyo section. Opinions?

[Ferrus Manus]

Coming soon, hopefully. See first post. Edited September 19, 2008 by Ferrus Manus

[Octavulg]

Created during the 38th millennium the Arctic Lions have fought in countless wars to preserve the Emperor's realm and for the glory of their primarch.

 

This sentence is grammatically weak. You are (I think) going for "fought in countless wars, both to preserve the Emperor's realm and for the glory of their primarch".

 

At the moment, it could also be interpreted as them fighting elsewhere for the glory of their Primarch.

 

They make their stand in the region of space known as the Ghoul Stars.

 

Stand? That's a term usually applied to actual engagements, so this sentence kind of implies they're engaged in constant fighting while surrounded by enemies - not that they're based there.

 

They were gifted, like all his sons, with a hatred of all weakness and all things alien.

 

Don't make sweeping declarations about things that you don't have the authority to be sweeping about. You can't speak for all chapters, only for yours.

 

To them was sent Captain Rycius, honoured warrior of the Warriors Eternal Chapter,

 

Use a term other than warrior. Repeating words is generally best avoided. Member would work, as would marine.

 

It was being so far from his brothers, but still possessing the ability to lead, that the Warriors Eternal chose him to lead the new chapter.

 

Firstly, I'd use distant instead of far.

 

Secondly, that seems likely to make him a poor chapter master. There's more to leading a chapter than battlefield ability. Why is he such a good leader if he's so distant from his men?

 

The Chapter crusaded around the Imperium for nearly one hundred years, slaying the enemies of the Imperium in some of the galaxies’ smaller wars,

 

OK. First, you're overusing the term "slay". Second, it doesn't really fit with what you're talking about. Slay is a term usually used for stories of one-on-one combat and the like. It's not usually applied to large scale engagements. Fighting would be an obvious replacement that felt more appropriate. This goes for your earlier use of the word as well.

 

before earning the right to a homeworld.

 

Many Space Marine chapters don't seem to need to earn the right to a home world. Why does yours have to?

 

It was then that Rycius took the Chapter to their new homeworld of Ursrik, a deathworld sheathed in ice.

 

Was this world assigned to them, or had Rycius already picked it out? Also, this is an awkward way of putting it. It might flow better if you just had "Rycius took the chapter..."

 

Thus making them suitable candidates to join their ranks.

 

"Thus making them suitable candidates to join the ranks of the Arctic Lions." You use 'they' to describe two different groups in the same sentence. That's a no-no.

 

The Chapter couldn't have been ready at a better time,

 

Er...they already were ready.

 

Ursrik, a Death World situated in the area of space known as the Gates of Varl – within close proximity to the Ork held world Jagga, is covered in ice. It is a harsh world, where the inhabitants are always struggling to survive in the harsh climate.

 

The structure you have is very awkward (and you say harsh too much). You might be better off with: "Ursik is an ice-covered Death World situated in an area of space known as the Gates of Varl. It lies close to the Ork-held world of Jagga, and is a harsh world, where the inhabitants are always struggling to survive.

 

It’s nearly always covered in blizzards and other ice storms, so generally the populace only ever sees about four hundred hours of sunlight a year.

 

First, this is formal writing - you should avoid contractions. Second, "four hundred hours of sunlight" sounds like a lot (plus, a year is of variable length depending on the planet - you should say Imperial year). I'd consider revising it to "a few days of sunlight each year" or something, which sounds like less even though it's not.

 

The people of Ursrik are constantly at war between the eight large clans that inhabit the planet. They fight over land, food and honour.

 

How? It's hard to fight a war in a blizzard. Especially if they're of a lower level of technology.

 

This is their law.

 

What is? New paragraph means new subject. Furthermore, their law consists entirely of who can and can't enter settlements?

 

If anyone breaks the law of the planet the matter must solve it by trial of combat.

 

"If anyone breaks the law of the planet, the matter must be solved in a trial by combat."

 

Furthermore, it's not exactly a law of the planet, it's a law of the people/clans.

 

Oh, and how many people are on this planet? You need tens of thousands or more in order to support a Space Marine chapter's recruitment.

 

The clans are ruled over by a council of Elders, even in war the utmost respect is shown to an Elder and to slay one is to earn instant death.

 

The clans are ruled? But the clans are always at war!

 

Unless you mean "Each clan".

 

This time there is no chance of the killer earning his innocence - execution is the only option. This is meant to ensure that respect and obedience is maintained at all ranks of their warriors.

 

That's a pretty limited set of rules to put on warriors. I'm not sure "don't kill the old guy or we kill you" is the stuff by which discipline is maintained across the board.

 

And he wouldn't be earning innocence - he'd be earning freedom. People prove their innocence - you can't earn it. It either is or is not - it doesn't change.

 

It isn’t only the threat of attack that worries each settlement; each village is always alert to attack by a pride of great White Lions. When these man-eaters attack the devastation is great. Even veteran astartes of the Chapter consider it a great feat to slay one of these beasts. Imperial scholars believe that these Ursrikian Lions are akin to the, now extinct, Calibanite Lions. It has been recorded that a pride of these lions have wiped out settlements on their quest for food and survival.

 

First, the link to Calibanite Lions feels forced. Lose it.

 

Second, the idea of prides of lions roaming a barren ice planet with an incredibly harsh climate feels unlikely. Real lions need packs of animals to hunt - and a ice/snow environment doesn't lend itself to big feline packs.

 

Never in the Chapter's history have any single clan been annihilated, due to the fact they are so large and spread out.

 

I'm not sure this really adds anything. Furthermore, how does the chapter know that - they weren't there for their entire history.

 

The clan warriors have a great reputation for being cold and heartless killers, believing that only the strong survive. However, despite this disunity among the clans, they all are governed by the same law.

 

I think you should seriously rethink the flow of this part of the IA. It goes from the planet to the law to the people to the law. It's a little disjointed.

 

The clans believe that Lord Ferrus, King of the Gods, lives on some far away continent in the Halls of Iron, watching over his sons. They believe that every season in the depth of winter a Herald of the Gods will arrive at each small settlement of the clans to take brave warriors with him to be elevated into the God's service.

 

Are these beliefs imposed by the chapter or not? If not, that's the sort of thing that might raise questions - how'd they get these stories about Ferrus, etc.

 

However, part of this is truth, for in the midst of winter one of the newly risen astartes will travel to each clan settlement to draw in recruits for the Chapter. The journey, which is considered the first test by the Chapter, is long and arduous. They must travel through blistering winds and freezing blizzards, before they reach the great ocean. Once they reach this point the aspirants they must band together in small groups and build sturdy boats in which to follow the Herald across the sea. Some fail at this point as their boats sink into the icy waters, or they are eaten by the huge sea predators.

 

Most arctic cultures live by the shore. Fish are easy to get, even when everything else is covered in snow.

 

Once at the Fortress-Monastery, known as the Glacier, the aspirants face even greater tests, tests designed to begin ridding them of unneeded emotions that may linger, such as fear, regret and anxiety. Many aspirants fail during this point in their trials, they are then drafted into service of the Chapter in other roles, such as serfs and crewmen for the Chapter's fleet. If any aspirants pass these grueling tests, they must face one fi

 

A fi, eh? Sounds scary. ;)

 

* * *

 

You end the narrative of their origins in a funny place.

 

Also, your writing needs work. The way you structure sentences is downright weird, the grammar is sometimes funny, and so is your choice of words.

 

If you like, I can take a look through the rest of the IA in the Librarium.

Edited September 18, 2008 by Octavulg

[Ferrus Manus]

Thanks for the reply Octavulg I'll go through and make the changes now. My pc is screwed so it cut the rest of the IA out of the post. I hopefully will get the rest posted up later this evening. But the Librarium's version is old, hopefully this one will replace it.

 

And your right I do use 'harsh' and 'slay' i'll go through and make some changes to that.

 

Just one thing, the word 'lead' doesn't just involve the battlefield. It includes other areas as well.

Edited September 19, 2008 by Ferrus Manus

[Octavulg]

Ah. I was wondering what happened to the rest of it.

 

I'll check it through when it appears. :)

[Ferrus Manus]

Ok, managed to get the latest version up, including most of your suggestions Octavulg.

[Octavulg]

It is from this that their greatest hatred springs...

 

From what? Fighting Orks? Being at the Gates of Varl? Fighting in countless wars?

 

And what is their greatest hatred, in any case? You say that they hate, but you don't say what they hate.

 

Since their founding, the Arctic Lions have gained a reputation for being cold, heartless killers who have no regrets in killing one million innocents just to see a single traitor dead.

 

"Feel no regret" might feel a little smoother.

 

It is only their brother Astartes who feel no fear while fighting along side the Chapter, as they have been known to kill any who they believe to be weak and unworthy of their service.

 

Why should the Astartes be immune to their judgement?

 

Also, service seems a weird term to use.

 

Often have they been at odds with other Imperial organisations such as the Imperial Army and the Inquisition for their actions towards such administrations, when they have summarily executed officers for crimes including cowardice and heresy, even when limited evidence has been found.

 

Very awkward phrasing. Also, "limited evidence" implies that they don't just instantly judge and execute, which appears to be what you're going for.

 

They were gifted with a hatred of all weakness and all things alien.

 

It's not confirmed whether or not Ferrus Manus' geneseed causes this. This implies that it does.

 

However, he was dark and an isolated man who rarely spoke with his brother in the Warriors Eternal, but he was an undoubtedly great leader. It was being so distant from his brothers, but still possessing the ability to lead, that the Warriors Eternal chose him to lead the new chapter.

 

My earlier objections to this still apply (and you really should explain your reasoning here). How does a distant, closed off, man make a great leader? And why would that somehow make him seem more suitable to lead a chapter over other marines?

 

He trained and raised the Chapter in the ways of the warrior, teaching them to excel in long ranged assaults and heavy weapons - as it was with their parent Chapter.

 

Long-ranged assaults, in the context of 40K, is a bit of an oxymoron. The bit about their parent Chapter is rather redundant.

 

The Chapter crusaded around the Imperium for nearly one hundred years, fighting the enemies of the Imperium in some of the galaxies’ smaller wars, before earning the right to a homeworld.

 

Galaxy's. There's only one galaxy in question. Also, across rather than around might sound a bit more appropriate.

 

Also, the whole home world thing is very muddy - it's not particularly clear whether chapters need to earn a home world or not. Oh, and home world, not homeworld.

 

Ursik is an ice-covered Death World situated in an area of space known as the Gates of Varl.

 

Would have been best to mention this before you start talking about the Gates of Varl and such.

 

The Arctic Lions made their fortress-monastery at the most northern point on the planet, across the planet's single ocean, away from the prying eyes of the populace.

 

This really doesn't make sense geographically. There's one ocean? How does that work, exactly?

 

This is meant to ensure that respect and obedience is maintained at all ranks of their warriors.

 

Respect and obedience to other warriors, or respect and obedience to the Elders? How does executing people for hurting an Elder ensure obedience throughout the ranks?

 

Once they reach this point the aspirants they must band together in small groups and build sturdy boats in which to follow the Herald across the sea. Some fail at this point as their boats sink into the icy waters, or they are eaten by the huge sea predators.

 

Crossing the North Atlantic (or equivalent) in a small boat would be completely lethal. Trust me.

 

This ritual stems from the Chapter's predecessors, the Warriors Eternal, Rycius seeing in how effective it was at strengthening the mind, adapting it to strengthen the warrior's soul, believing that it would rid the warrior of emotions that would only hinder him in war, as they did to Ferrus Manus all those years ago.

 

The results seem to have changed a bit. In the WE, they seem to either die or recover.

 

During a battle, the Lions will kill anyone who stands in the way of their objectives, being friend or foe - with the exception of their brother Astartes - they have been known to slay thousands innocents during the course of war, either by bombarding a city to flush the traitors out or from a headlong assault into a building killing all inside because they could be tainted.

 

Why are Astartes not also targets?

 

They are cold, methodical warriors using a precise application force to complete an objective.

 

Precise conflicts with "kill them all".

 

There is little debate among the Imperium's archivists as to the battle cry of the Arctic Lions.

 

Pointless.

 

They have only one battle cry, this is an undisputed fact among Imperial Scholars.

 

Also pointless, and a contradiction of the above.

 

* * *

 

You have a tendency to be needlessly complicated in your writing (the most obvious example is the first sentence referring to their founding).

 

Did you check whether you could use the Warriors Eternal, BTW?

 

Right now, they seem somewhat derivative of the Warriors Eternal. The grammar and style could use a lot of work, and some of the assumptions you make need some explaining and justification.

[Captain Kael]

Once they reach this point the aspirants they must band together in small groups and build sturdy boats in which to follow the Herald across the sea. Some fail at this point as their boats sink into the icy waters, or they are eaten by the huge sea predators.

 

Crossing the North Atlantic (or equivalent) in a small boat would be completely lethal. Trust me.

 

 

I found that quite funny, gave me a good laugh. :tu:

 

Captain Kael :D

[Ferrus Manus]

This really doesn't make sense geographically. There's one ocean? How does that work, exactly?

Your probably right I have no clue about geography etc... so I'll probably change it.

Crossing the North Atlantic (or equivalent) in a small boat would be completely lethal. Trust me.

That was my general idea. But maybe its a bit over the top.

Did you check whether you could use the Warriors Eternal, BTW?

Yeah I had permission, if you look back further down the first page I think you can see some of Grey's comments.

 

Thanks for the crit Octavulg. Very helpful I'll get it all ironed out.

 

----------------------------------

 

EDIT: In other news I found this last week. Err. I considered a name change when I first saw it thinking it was a coincedence. But then I realised he'd even used Ursrik to name some of his squads. So, I'm ont sure. Any ideas?

Edited October 6, 2008 by Ferrus Manus

[Hubernator]

Scheme??? I don't see one :cuss

[Ferrus Manus]

Yeah I took it off and went back to basics. If you look in the Liber Honoifica(?) at the top of the Liber Astartes page the schemes there.

[Ferrus Manus]

Apologies for the double post, but I have an update, C&C welcome:

 

Ok, so recently I have been working on my Arctic Lions. After discovering an irksome article on the net it was suggested to me that I should change the name of my Lions (and because it reminded them of the Arctic Monkeys ;) ). So I thought about it, and decided to do so. But at the same time I wanted to focus the Lions on one theme rather than just writing and seeing what comes up. Which is probably why their IA stands at 2000 words and I couldn't see it getting much bigger. So I thought about their themes and which ones I wanted to build on. I came up with:

 

- Hatred of weakness of the Soul

- Rapid assaults

- Codex chapter

- Ferrus' geneseed.

 

And so on that basis I have renamed them the Soul Wardens, and I'm looking to exploit the idea of them wanted to fortifiy their souls against the darkness. Should be intresting.

 

So here is my very small pile of notes:

Origins

 

- 24th Founding

- Cadre led by Rycius, Captain of the Brazen Claws.

- Led them across the galaxy crusading for a century before naming them.

- Charges the Chapter to watch for weakness in the Imperium’s people and correct it when found.

 

Homeworld

 

- Ursrik, frozen death world

 

Organization

 

- Codex

 

Combat Doctrine

 

- Fairly codex, but with a tendency to favour swift assaults

- Often chant Litanies as they go into battle.

 

Beliefs

 

- Very spiritual chapter

- Guarded against weakness of the soul

- Believe that the Soul is the most important part of them. Carries on after death, continues their duty.

- Service is eternal. True glory awaits after death.

- Corrupt soul -> corrupt mind -> corrupt body

- Hate the heretic; believe they have failed in the guarding of their souls.

- Emperor is a man

- Ferrus was a great warrior. Was betrayed by corrupt brothers.

- Anyone can be corrupted.

 

Geneseed

 

- Ferrus Manus geneseed

Edited October 30, 2008 by Ferrus Manus