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IA: Night Scorpions


gil galed

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The Terminator squads were moved in and proved more successful, powerfists ripping apart the metallic bodies of their enemies. With this success the combined might of three Companies managed to destroy the alien threat. The remaining Scouts were rapidly sent out in strictly covert reconnaissance and returned with grave news, an archaic tomb structure had opened up deep within the jungle. A council of war was quickly convened with all of the Ten Chapter Companies and their Commanders (bar Commander Atlas who was in a critical condition with the Chapter’s Apothecaries) to decide what to do. It was eventually concluded that the enemy was too strong to be tackled head on. Even the ever adaptable Space Marines struggled against this unknown foe. Only the Terminators with their heavy weapons and the prowess of the veteran Marines could truly match them. This proved hugely contentious especially for the companies who lacked any Terminator squads. It was therefore decided that, given the power of the veterans against the threat, the 1st Company’s Tactical Dreadnought suits and veterans would be reassigned between the remaining companies to form self-sufficient battle groups. It was however unanimously agreed that no help would be sought, this would serve two purposes. First the Chapter would fight to the end to retain its honour against this unknown enemy. Second and perhaps more importantly the Chapter Council feared that this unknown enemy may have somehow tainted their homeworld: instead of opening themselves up to Inquisitorial scrutiny they would deal with the problem themselves, a Marine’s business was after all his own.


Having pin-pointed the tomb, battle plans were drawn. The remainder of the 10th Company, supported by the rest of the Chapter, would act as a diversion to draw the xenos away their tombs and the reactors that lay within. Each Battle Company would then fight running battles with their foes, using their newly acquired Terminator armour to its best effect. While this was happening the Chapter’s First and Second battle companies, led by the Chapter Master himself, would fight their way into the tomb and rig its very heart with melta bombs, destroying it from the inside. The fighting was bloodier than any had imagined. The 3rd Battle Company in particular sold their lives dearly keeping the enemy at bay, a valour for which their insignia is still applied in gold. The First and Second companies were, however, able to battle their way to the core of the tomb, and as those not in Terminator armour exfiltrated out melta bombs were rigged to the archaic structures, the Terminators teleporting out as the explosives ripped their way through the crypt. The titanic explosion ripped a hole in the side of the planet, permanently scarring its luscious surface, but the deed was done and the aliens had been destroyed or scattered. It would be almost two centuries before the Night Scorpions report would find its way to being read by members of the Ordo Xenos and by this time the Necrons, as they were now called, would be a dominant force in the galaxy.

Homeworld: Paethon & Cleon


Paethon was once a lush jungle deathworld located in the southern segment of the Reductus Sector, within the Cerberus stars. Paethon was home to hardy tribes of humans who lead a life of constant struggle against the denizens of the vast jungles that surrounded their small encampments. The most feared inhabitant of these places was a massive species of scorpion that resided only in the darkest of places, distinguished by its luminescent green eyes. It is this creature that townsmen had to slay to become part of a tribe’s council or even its leader. Similar practices were found across Cleon and, although the planet lacked the larger breed of nocturnal scorpions that prospered on Paethon, similarly large breeds of scorpion are hunted which, while smaller, are faster and, arguably, more deadly.

Paethon & Cleon
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These practices found favour with the Imperium. Paethon and its inhabitants were quickly chosen to become the home world for a new Space Marine Chapter, designated the Night Scorpions after the jungle creature, with a Marine’s armour incorporating a mix of its shell and eyes. Indeed the first Chapter Master distinguished himself from the other inhabitants of Paethon by killing the largest recorded scorpion while Imperial scouts were assessing the suitability of the planet.

Since the massive blast from the Alpha III Delta Incident the planet has been thrown out of orbit with its sister world Cleon. The explosion stripped much of Paethon’s atmosphere away, and what was left on the other side of the world was slowly lost within a few months. The Astartes undertook a huge effort to relocate those human inhabitants of the world that survived to Cleon, along with a handful of the planet’s wildlife including the Scorpion so that the refugees of Paethon may continue their initiation rites. The lop-sided planet still continues to rotate haphazardly, its light cycles taking up to 6 Terran days to complete.

The Night Scorpions’ Fortress-Monastery resided deep within the jungle but is now located among the miles of snowy tundra which clothe Paethon. The Monastery was named the Aegle Proteus, it is here that the inhabitants of Paethon believe that men first came and populated their planet. It is said in folklore that a being of immense power, robed in gold and flanked by silvery skeletal angels visited the twin planets, perhaps even the Emperor himself. The monastery is constructed on top of and around an ancient temple whose ruins marked the spot of this event. It is considered a sacred relic of past times that none but the most honoured Astartes may enter. It is, however, restricted to all those who are not within the Night Scorpion Chapter, proving a point of contention between them and the Ordo Xenos who fear that it holds a more sinister secret. The outside of the Fortress-Monastery is caked in a permanent frost that makes it glitter in the moonlight, providing a beautiful and terrible sight to recruits.


Since Cleon became the Chapter’s main recruitment world the Chapter outpost there as been vast improvements, bringing it close to the majesty of the Aegle Proteus. Potential recruits are still required to slay creatures of the jungle and bring them to the Outpost, to prove themselves worthy of becoming a space Marine. Those that kill the either the newly introduced Paethon Scorpion that now resides on Cleon or the faster Cleon Scorpion are prized most highly of all. Those original inhabitants of Cleon have proven incredibly quick to adapt to this new predator, it is not uncommon for those arriving at the outpost with this dead beast to be of an equal split between Cleons and Paethons.

There is, however, still a certain amount of resentment between the two peoples. While this unease rarely breaks out into violence, since they are after all linked by both their humanity and their devotion to the God Emperor, it is nevertheless a factor on the planet. It is not uncommon for certain tribes to insist that their prized aspirant only kills the right type of scorpion for entry into the Astartes. Cleons advocate that only their native scorpion is a true test of an aspirant’s worth, being fast and deadly. Paethons counter that the Paethon Scorpion requires more strength due to its greater size, the true sign of a man. It is not uncommon for such prejudices to carry over into the Chapter proper with the Cleonite Companies boasting of their speed with the Paethonite Companies boast of their greater physical power. This competition is put to the test annually when champions from each of the tribes represented in the Chapter will spar in competitions of martial prowess.

Organization



The Night Scorpions were raised from Crimson Fist geneseed and thus their lineage lies with Imperial Fists. Unlike their progenitor Chapter, however, they deviate significantly from the Codex Astartes in Chapter organization. The Chapter is organized into ten Companies; each of these is raised from different clans on their home world of Cleon who are then made responsible for their own equipment and recruiting. This independence means that each of the Companies can operate by itself as a separate force of war if the need arises. While exact numbers of men and specialists varies between each Company all ten maintain at least some suits of tactical dreadnaught armour as well as squads of neophytes.
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Due to this independent structure of the Chapter each Company will operate largely on its own, direct co-operation is by no means unusual but the frequency is certainly below that of a ‘codex’ chapter. This however is not to say that the Chapter is fragmented or relationships are anything less than cordial. Each brother Marine values everyone of his comrades equally, regardless of their background and the Chapter Command is careful to keep an eye on each of their Companies’ deployment. In the current climate with increased xenos threat throughout the galaxy, Companies two through six are on patrol throughout the Reductus Sector at any one time while the First Company guards the twin planets and the Seventh Company continues routine missions between the Night Scorpions protected human worlds. Due to their underpowered nature, Companies eight through ten are tasked with training and recruitment in the hope of a speedy rise to strength. Like a regular Company each Scorpion Company will benefit from the tactical prowess of a captain in the form of a “Company Commander”, within the Company each Chaplain and Librarian will possess the rank of “Company Lieutenant” and will often act as the leaders of any form of smaller battlegroup formed from within the Company. While Librarians still remain part of the Librariam officially recruits will be assigned to a Company upon entry with whom they will likely see out their service. The rank of second in command will traditionally be filled by the sergeant of the first tactical squad within each of the Company’s, bearing the rank of “Master Sergeant” and the likely the successor to “Company Commander” should the current Captain become incapacitated. Within the Chapter the ranks of Sergeant and above will have the status of 'Veteran' and be permitted to don completely green helmets as a mark of their rank. Beyond this particularly venerated Astartes will receive the wreath of honour, an award which permits them to further enhance their status by donning a wreath of Olive leaves around their head, or paint them onto the helm.

Like all Space Marines the Night Scorpions will train thoroughly in all the various theatres of war. Because of the state of Paethon the Night Scorpions feel that it is also vital for each warrior to be a master of the arctic battlefield. This need for thorough cold weather training means that each recruit is put through an extensive cold climate survival course. Each recruit, having first passed the arduous initiation ritual on Cleon must survive the night and sub zero temperatures of Paethon in a 10km hike within a mere five days with meagre and little shelter. After these trials by ice, a specialization in the cold and its effects on the machinery of war must be undertaken. Even a suit of power armour may become caked in ice under such conditions. It is therefore imperative that each recruit has a beyond average (for a space Marine) knowledge of his weapon and his suit, and it is for this reason that the Chapter maintains less tech Marines than other more codex Chapters. Indeed this specialization for cold weather deployment extends beyond the mere personal equipment of a brother Marine. Each recruit must also have a certain level of working knowledge with each of the vehicles at the Chapter’s disposal. It is those recruits that show the best working knowledge of such instruments of war that become trained for assault squads or the small amount of Land Speeder squadrons. Within the Night Scorpions the vast majority will miss out on a distinctly assault squad orientated training, instead engaging in close combat training within their tactical squad training. As Neophytes are trained from within due to the altered Company structure the scout squads attached to a Company are highly respected members of the organization, bonded by genealogy and tribal links. Each scout knows that this is the Company he will likely be serving with for the rest of his life and so will give his all to earn the praise of his elders, while this attitude means the tactical Marines of the Company value their dedication and central role in sabotage and stealth capable within the arctic terrain.

Since the reclamation of the of Undesignated World X898.C8 from Daemon control through a combined force of the Scorpions 3rd Company and two squads of Grey Knights with the subsequent scouring of its daemonic artifacts, the Night Scorpions have held somewhat of a sustained relationship with Inquisitor Vohn. This however is not to say the Chapters are allies in any more than their bonds within the Empire as a whole. No Space Marine would ever truly trust an Inquisitor, and this is certainly the case within the Night Scorpion Chapter council.
The Scouring of X898.C8
The Night Scorpions’ most notable victory was the defeat of a Khornate cult deep in the Segmentum Tempestus. Upon receiving an Imperial distress signal from the supposedly abandoned planet a small task force from the 4th Company, lead by Company Lieutenant Aeolus, was sent to investigate. Upon making planet fall the force was immediately ambushed by frenzied cultists.

The battle group fought valiantly out of the ambush, in the process losing three battle brothers, a grievous loss for the new Chapter. Once the enemy had been beaten back Aeolus quickly signaled for more assistance, a signal which was picked up by Inquisitor Vohn, who took two squads of Grey Knights to help the Night Scorpions.

One week later the Inquisitorial force was in place and the remainder of the Night Scorpion 3rd Company had been called upon and stood ready in orbit. The Company’s scouts had already located the base of operations for the cultist and lay in wait to begin their attack as the rest of the combatants made planetfall. With the use of the locator beams the scouts had set up the 3rd Company deployed via drop pod while the Grey Knights teleported into the fray.

Quickly the Imperial forces realized that the situation was graver than they had first feared as greater daemons appeared from among the ranks of the cultists, a great Bloodthirster ripping its way out of the mortal form of the head cultist. Unswayed the brother Marines began the process of systematically laying waste to their foes relying on their honed bolter drills and the Company’s Terminators to deal with the greatest of the foes. The Grey Knights accompanying the 4th Company Command Squad made their way towards the heart of the enemy forces and their greater daemon.

As the battle raged around them Justicar Cortez, Company Lieutenant Aeolus and Inquisitor Vohn engaged the daemon. The great Khornate beast was a pillar of bloody rage killing many of Aeolus’ honour guard. Ultimately however it was no match for the combined force and was brought low by Aeolus’s force weapon. However in a final act of defiance it swung a killing blow at Vohn. Aeolus reacting with lightning speed blocked the strike but in doing so shattered his weapon and his right arm was cleft from his body. The day was won, but Brother Marines had fallen and Company Lt. Aeolus was in a perilous state. However, the Night Scorpions had gained the respect of the Grey Knights and Inquisitor Vohn.



Combat Doctrine


The Night Scorpions’ mission was ultimately to be a defence against any would-be Waagghh! or other xenos threat that could slip through the current defences assembled in the Reductus sector. This threat would traditionally have been met with a large emphasis on tanks, infantry discipline and a great reliance on the heavy bolter.

Their tactics have begun to change following the explosion that plunged their home world into a perma-frost. Some of the larger tracked vehicles such as predators struggle in the thick snow drifts across the planet. Similarly the icy winds make the use of jump packs and Land Speeders difficult as air vents begin to freeze over or the kerosene begins to solidify. Thus the Night Scorpions have developed an emphasis on the use of drop pod assaults more than most codex Chapters so that they might reach their enemy without delay. This does not however mean that they have abandoned their roots, the Night Scorpions are still as slick an infantry machine as they ever were if not more so. Marines will practice for hours on end honing a precise bolter discipline on the ranges while the Companies will regularly perform exercises in cohesion and massed bolter fire. This new tactic was put to the test when an Ork warband designation Skar’got landed on Paethon’s dark side. Quick to react the entire 5th Company deployed via drop pod assault, as they emerged from their pods a withering hail of fire was laid down, wiping the enemy out before the dawn came two standard days later.

Past their initial assaults the Night Scorpions are known for their precise bolter fire in the face of the large hordes often seen when facing the green skinned menace. This has also lead to the wide employment of specialized bolter shells. Such deployment has meant that many tactical squads have forgone the use of longer ranged firepower to deal with mechanized enemies, instead using melta technology to cripple a maneuverable foe before overwhelming them. They will also employ a wide use of plasma technology, weapons that proved highly effective against their Necron foes and for whom the Scorpions still hold a special hatred.

Like many Chapters the Scorpions refuse to adopt camouflage even if it means that they are at a tactical disadvantage. This is particularly prevalent when the Marines are fighting in the sub zero temperatures that they are so famed for. This however does not strictly apply to the scout squads present within each Company. While their armour remains black and green, honouring their Chapter colours, the scouts will adopt a lighter coloured under armour while sporting camouflaged cloaks to help conceal them among the eddying snow drifts. Before an attack is launched scouts from the Company will regularly adopt observation posts to direct the main spearhead of drop pods to their target. They will often use modified Land Speeder Storms to achieve this task, specially adpted to cope in even the coldest of conditions.

The ultimate doctrine, like many Marines, is that attack will provide strong defence, plunging quickly to the heart of the enemy and eradicating them before it can react or sectioning off small groups for destruction. This has proved hugely effective throughout the years and vital in many of their theatres of war.



Geneseed


Over the centuries since the first founding the Imperial Fist geneseed has remained remarkably unchanged since its inception. This is however not to say that nothing has been lost as the millennia-long struggle against the foes of the Imperium has taken its toll. Like all other Sons of Dorn the Night Scorpions lack the Betcher’s Gland and the Sus’an Membrane which have for some reason or another fallen into disuse. This means that the Night Scorpions lack the ability to either produce poison or, more importantly, enter a state of suspended animation. Due to the hardiness of the clans scattered across Cleon few potential aspirants will ever reject the genetic implants that change a boy into an Astartes while their daily struggles allow them to readily accept the hypo-conditioning that takes place. Indeed many aspirants will become even more zealous in their belief in a God Emperor as their already innate belief is further augmented with great tales of valour and bravery.

Philosophy & Religion


The Night Scorpions value hardiness and versatility above all else, only Marines with these qualities can stand up to the struggle of living in the intense heat of the jungle and then operating as an Astartes in the intense cold of the snow. The youth of the Scorpions has also led to a huge belief in perseverance to succeed and a zealous love of their Chapter. This has manifested itself into a sometimes foolhardy doggedness in battle, refusing to give ground except in death.

Due to the low turn over of new equipment from Mars and the low ranking of the Night Scorpions in receiving this equipment the Chapter is taught to venerate each and every piece of armour or weaponry that passes through the brother ranks. Each ceramite plate is lovingly protected by its owner and usually by the end of a brother’s career highly embossed and engraved.

The same is true of a brother’s bolter, which is seen as their most important piece of equipment, each Astartes is trained to wield their weapon with a single hand if the situation calls for it, allowing for the use of close combat weapons while retaining the strength of the holy weapon. For a Brother to lose his bolter in battle is the greatest shame he can bring upon himself, not even breaking in the face of the enemy will bring such condemnation. As such any Scorpion will fight with his utmost vigour to reclaim the weapon if it is lost in the heat of the battle, if however they are for some reason forced to leave without it they will more often than not begin a penance, withdrawing from their brothers into thought and meditation as they begin the slow and painful process of creating a new weapon for themselves.

The peoples of the twin planets believe that in their ancient history the Emperor himself breathed life into their homes. He brought with him the basic technology and education that allowed humanity to flourish even in this desolate area of galaxy, even surviving the dark night. Such a vehement belief in the divinity and right of the God Emperor it is almost impossible to breed out of a new recruit. Indeed the veneration of the God Emperor is such a pervasive force within the chapter that it is all but accepted as the true religion of the Chapter, only the most vehement brothers give up their belief and refuse to believe in the apotheosis of the Emperor. It is for this reason that the Night Scorpions believe the Emperor is in fact, as the Ecclesiarch would have the Imperium believe, a deity. The ruins scattered across Paethon, and to a lesser extent Cleon, are littered with fragments of text and hieroglyphics that the Librarium tirelessly attempts to decipher and understand. As research progresses the the picture the ruins paint seems to get clearer, indicating a time of “Rapture” in which gods will once more walk the planets. Many members of the Chapter believe that this must surely refer to God-Emperor, and that he will one day return to his planet and claim its inhabitants as his own. Thus the brother Astartes believe that the Emperor will eventually be liberated from his eternal slumber on the golden throne and lead his armies to retake the increasingly desolate Imperium. Some members of the Chapter fear that these ruins may have some darker purpose, but as the research continues and the Chapter delves deeper into the bowels of the Aegle Proteus, their past and, perhaps, their future, such voices are stifled. Such views on the Emperor’s Divinity have however have lead to them being viewed as somewhat backwards by many of their fellow Astartes. Nothing though seems to have dimmed the Scorpions’ belief, indeed they keep good Company with many other Chapters being of a similar philosophy who follow the majority of Mankind in their reverence of the Emperor.

Battle Cry


“Strength through Purity, Purity through Faith”
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i realize it's quite long which i don't mind to much, i'm more concerned with it being entombed in the liber *queue deep voice* "For Ever", than being a quick read :cry:
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I will look into this - especially regarding the dates and founding issues you mentioned in the pm. Do you want to raise them here too so that you can get a wider perspective on it from the board?
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I will look into this - especially regarding the dates and founding issues you mentioned in the pm. Do you want to raise them here too so that you can get a wider perspective on it from the board?

 

yes we can, currently i've reduced the dates so that they can still be a young chapter, removed all references to the enemy actually being necrons and included references to the chapter not wanting help for fear that they might have been 'tainted' somehow.

 

 

Basically for all those interested the 26th founding is 738.M41 while the first recorded necron attack is 897.M41 which means that it is quite hard to have any chapter founded 'for' necrons and also as my main factor in chapter becoming what they are was necrons it means it'd have to be dropped entirely as it's unlikely they'd drop codex formation after fighting with it for over 150 years or (as i have done) try to include them while trying to run it within fluff lines (i.e unreported)

 

 

thoughts are naturally welcome, thanks Aurelius for help so far

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Regarding dates of founding, wing structures, naming necrons or not and the like, your simplest option would probably be to have the chapter run in its formative 150 years or so with a standard codex structure, and then really sell the vital need to follow a different structure to battle the named necrons. You would just need a few lines about how they fought following the codex organisation before and how it was shown to be unsuitable for their predicament so they changed it to fight the Necrons.

 

Having the Necrons as unidentified could work if there was no way to identify them, such as all the bodies phased out and their tomb was destroyed catastrophically so couldn't yield up any secrets. The Chapter's report sat mouldering in an Ordo Xenos archive until it became clear decades later what they actually were.

 

At the moment I am not quite clear why a self-contained wing structure each with veterans, PA marines and scouts would be so vital for fighting the Nectons, either in the specific instance of the formative battle or for the battles they fought in the future against the myriad other foes. If it could be clarified how it is better than the ad-hoc strike forces that a codex chapter can easily field of core battle company units with attached veterans and scouts then this might make it easier to follow. Is it something about the their particular tactics that makes it so vital? :P

 

Another alternative is to change their parent chapter to one with something approaching the self contained wing structure to start with, such as the Black Templars, Iron Hands, White Scars or one of their successors. Then the biggest change is one of naming rather than wholesale deviations from codex organisation.

 

EDIT: I know you are dead set on the wing structure - it makes me think of flight. Is there any way to tie flight into your chapter theme somehow? Also, if the independent company groupings each with vets, PA marines and scouts is a stumbling block, could the organisation be kept as codex and they are just renamed wings rather than companies, so you would still have a vet wing, a battle wing, reserve wing and scout wing?

 

I am really just throwing out a whole range of ideas to see which fits best.+++

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Regarding dates of founding, wing structures, naming necrons or not and the like, your simplest option would probably be to have the chapter run in its formative 150 years or so with a standard codex structure, and then really sell the vital need to follow a different structure to battle the named necrons. You would just need a few lines about how they fought following the codex organisation before and how it was shown to be unsuitable for their predicament so they changed it to fight the Necrons.

 

Having the Necrons as unidentified could work if there was no way to identify them, such as all the bodies phased out and their tomb was destroyed catastrophically so couldn't yield up any secrets. The Chapter's report sat mouldering in an Ordo Xenos archive until it became clear decades later what they actually were.

 

At the moment I am not quite clear why a self-contained wing structure each with veterans, PA marines and scouts would be so vital for fighting the Nectons, either in the specific instance of the formative battle or for the battles they fought in the future against the myriad other foes. If it could be clarified how it is better than the ad-hoc strike forces that a codex chapter can easily field of core battle company units with attached veterans and scouts then this might make it easier to follow. Is it something about the their particular tactics that makes it so vital? :P

 

Another alternative is to change their parent chapter to one with something approaching the self contained wing structure to start with, such as the Black Templars, Iron Hands, White Scars or one of their successors. Then the biggest change is one of naming rather than wholesale deviations from codex organisation.

 

EDIT: I know you are dead set on the wing structure - it makes me think of flight. Is there any way to tie flight into your chapter theme somehow? Also, if the independent company groupings each with vets, PA marines and scouts is a stumbling block, could the organisation be kept as codex and they are just renamed wings rather than companies, so you would still have a vet wing, a battle wing, reserve wing and scout wing?

 

I am really just throwing out a whole range of ideas to see which fits best.+++

 

Thanks for all the help, i'm tempted to just repaint anything wing related and simply have them as non-codex companies, i could always have them called wing colloquially at some point if i really had to.

 

I'm tempted to go with the non naming of necrons followed by them phasing out and big destruction of tomb so nothing can be identified and them OX just being huge and bureaucratic don't pay any attention to the 'new' chapter untill years later it becomes obvious what transpired although it isn't identified as 'first contact' as no official people to verify it.

 

 

Thanks for ideas on how to institute a non-codex form. At the moment it just says that regular weaponry was ineffective so the companies needed terminators spread between them, i might also say that the veteran element of space marines was needed as 'regular' brothers didn't know how to deal with a new enemy and then when all ways said and done the bonds formed proved an effective fighting force.

 

I'm not adverse to changing the parent chapter, not a great fan of the Iron Hands, White scars are ok but then the whole non-use or little use of things like bikes/land speeders/jet packs makes them feel a little un WS. I think Oct. said he was really against a BT founding? The High Lords don't like them as it is so giving them even more troops (or loyal chapters) is probably a bad idea...

 

Thanks for the help so far you've been great :P

 

1/I think i'll move to removing the name wing (it's always fun painting right :)) you're right that its just one step to far

2/Keep it a pre-recorded necron attack and make sure it makes sense why its how it is

3/Further reinforce the non-codex structures necessity

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You know, I could easily see a White Scar successor with their speedy nature using a 'wing' designation, but it might carry a lot of baggage that you wouldn't want to attach to the Night Scorpions as they are now. :)

 

As for BT successors, while I can see Octavulg's point, I would not object to the basic concept as long as those concerns were properly addressed. The High Lords have sanctioned Dark Angel successors, albiet rarely, and they don't trust them either. But that is perhaps a discussion for another thread.

 

Good luck with the changes for the chapter. :)

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Patch Notes:

 

/Removed alot of naming of necrons

/Added OX thing to explain early emergence

/Removed wing

/Added a bit about veterans and why they formed 'new' company structure

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  • 2 weeks later...
A BT successor would have been hard to get right, so I am glad you didnt do it.

 

I like what you have done so far and the colour scheme. Cant see any apparent problems with your IA.

 

thanks, unless i get anything major i'll submit it and see what kind of response i get :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

There's just a tiny bit of touching up to do before Librarium entry. I'll do this in two posts, since it's a bit long.

 

The "Overview" section should really be merged into the Origins section. On its own it looks out of place, especially since it deals with the same material as the Origins section underneath.

 

Children of the Crimsons fists they are currently patrol the reductus sector protecting the light of the Imperium from the xenos that prowl the edge of the galaxy.

 

That should be "Children of the Crimsons fists, they currently patrol the reductus sector, protecting the light of the Imperium from the xenos that prowl the edge of the galaxy."

 

 

The Night Scorpions are a young Chapter who have garnered a reputation as a sturdy force who excel in drop pod assaults and arctic warfare.

 

This is a bit clunky. How about "The Night Scorpions are a young Chapter who have garnered a reputation as a sturdy force, excelling in drop pod assaults and arctic warfare."?

 

The Night Scorpions were formed in the 26th Founding 738.M41 with the modus operandi of plugging a perceived threat of xenos incursion in the Reductus Sector between the chapters of the Crimson Fists, The Marines Exemplar and the Dark Hunters.

 

Modus operandi means the method of operating, which in this case would be their Combat Doctrine. It's not their reason for founding. This needs to be reworded.

 

They were raised from the Crimson fist geneseed and thus the Patriarch Rogal Dorn of the Imperial fists.

 

Again, this is a bit clunky. It would be easier just to say something like "They were formed from the gene-seed of Rogal Dorn, provided from the stocks of the Crimson Fists".

 

The Night Scorpions were equipped and armoured by their parent chapter thanks largely to the little distance between the two chapters.

 

I would cut this out. It doesn't really add anything to the Chapter, but it's not enough to be an interesting detail either.

 

They would be established upon the lush jungle death worlds of Paethon & Cleon,

 

"They would be based".

 

it’s sister world Cleon

 

"Its".

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Formerly Veteran Sergeant Atlas of the Crimson Fist’s 3rd Company

 

"Crimson Fists' ".

 

It was expected that little but natural causes

 

"only natural causes" would be better.

 

Three weeks into their mission no further activity had been recorded however the tribes of the surrounding region were uneasy.

 

There should be a comma after "recorded".

 

Commander Atlas radioed in for help, the transmission was cut mid feed.

 

"help, but the transmission".

 

With this success the combined might of three Companies managed to destroy the small alien threat.

 

Just "alien threat". Necrons are too dangerous to be classed as "small".

 

It is this creature that townsmen had to slay to become part of a tribe’s council or even it’s leader.

 

"its leader".

 

The Night Scorpions were raised from Crimson Fist geneseed and thus The Imperial Fists.

 

This sentence seems incomplete.

 

The Chapter is organized into ten Company’s,

 

This means that each of the Company’s

 

That should be "Companies", in all cases.

 

Because of the Night Scorpion’s need for thorough cold weather training

 

"Night Scorpions".

 

the subsequent scouring of its demonic artifacts the Night Scorpions have held somewhat of a sustained relationship with Inquisitor Vohn and thus the inquisition as a whole.

 

That should be "daemonic artifacts, the Night Scorpions", and "held a sustained relationship". Cut out the bit "and thus the Inquistion as a whole". No such thing exists, the Inquisition is deliberately a disunited body so that its members can watch each other as well as everyone else. Not only that, but factionalism is rife - having links to one Inquisitor almost guarantees there'll be another Inquisitor who hates your guts.

 

It is for this reason that quadannual training is held by the Grey Knights for Veteran Night Scorpion squads and why on occasion they are seen fighting side by side in areas that call for the attention of an inquisitor. It is perhaps for this reason, along with their youth, that only a handful of Night Scorpion have yet fallen to the taint of chaos

 

A little too much awesomeness, I fear. Why should you, a fallible Astartes, be entrusted with knowledge of Grey Knight training, knowledge that the Chaos Gods would dearly love to get their hands on? It's too much of a risk, and more than that, it puts you on a pedestal. That means you've broken the suspension of disbelief - if you get this, why haven't we heard about your Chapter before, in official fluff?

 

The Night Scorpions mission was ultimately to be a defence against any would be Waagghh! Or other xenos threat

 

That should be "or other xenos threat".

 

new tactic was put to the test when an Ork warband designation Skar’got landed on Paethon in the night side

 

"In the night" or "on the night side"?

 

was the defeat of a Khornesque cult

 

"Khornate".

 

One week later the Inquisition was in place

 

"The Inquisitor" or "The Inquisitorial force".

 

Aeolus and Inquisitor Vohn engaged the daemon. The great Khornate beast was a pillar of carnal rage killing many of Aeolus’ honour guard.

 

Carnal? Carnal relates to lust, something I'd associate more with Slaanesh. Are you sure that's what you intended to say?

 

millennial struggle against the foes of the Imperium has taken it’s toll.

 

"millenia-long struggle" and "taken its toll".

 

refusing to give ground except In death

 

"in death".

 

Just those minor issues that need sorting out, and then you're done. :D

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  • 3 weeks later...

all changed per GMT (although i can't find the copy, my have to remake changes :) ...)

 

 

Any further comments so i can get passed peer review and into the lib?

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They were raised from the Crimson fist geneseed and thus the Patriarch Rogal Dorn

 

"Crimson Fist."

 

Children of the Crimsons fists they are currently on patrol in the reductus sector

 

If that's intended as a name, it should be "Reductus Sector".

 

it’s sister world Cleon would allow for further recruitment to the Chapter,

 

"its".

 

and each planets population being relatively low.

 

If you're referring to one of the planets, it should be "planet's". If you're referring to both, it should be "planets' ". Either way, there's an apostrophe missing.

 

and the only member of the training cadre to remain after the Chapters inception

 

"Chapter's"

 

Even Commander Atlas donning his old suit of scout armour.

 

"Donned" or "was donning".

 

Three weeks into their mission no further activity had been recorded however the tribes of the surrounding region were uneasy.

 

There should be a comma after "recorded".

 

the population suffering the same fate as the wild life the week before.

 

"wildlife"

 

This assault however proved largely ineffective as the xenos seemed to simply shrug off damage that would kill even a space marine

 

"This assault, however, proved . . ."

 

first the chapter would fight to the end to retain it’s honour against this unknown enemy.

 

"First" and "its".

 

The first and second companies were however able to battle their way to the core of the tomb,

 

". . . were, however, able to . . ."

 

before the Night Scorpions report would find it’s way to being read

 

"its"

 

designated the Night Scorpions after the jungle creature with a marines armour incorporating a mix of it’s shell and eyes.

 

"designated the Night Scorpions after the jungle creature, with a Marine's armour incorporating a mix of its shell and eyes."

 

Paethon and it’s inhabitants were quickly chosen

 

"its"

 

it’s light cycles taking up to 6 terran days to complete

 

"its". I think "Terran" might work better too.

 

none but the most honoured Astarte may enter

 

"Astartes" (you're referring to a group - "none but the most honoured <insert group>)

 

It is however restricted to all those who are not within the Night Scorpion chapter,

 

"It is, however, restricted . . ."

 

Will continue in next post.

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glitter in the moonlight providing a beautiful

 

". . . moonlight, providing a . . ."

 

main recruitment world the Chapter outpost there as seen vast improvements bringing it close the majesty of the Aegle Proteus.

 

" . . . world the Chapter outpost there has seen vast improvements, bringing it . . ."

 

The Night Scorpions were raised from Crimson Fist geneseed and thus The Imperial Fists.

 

"the Imperial Fists"

 

The Night Scorpions were raised from Crimson Fist geneseed and thus The Imperial Fists. Unlike their progenitor chapter, they deviate significantly from the Codex Astartes in Chapter organization. The Chapter is organized into ten Company’s, each of these is raised from different clans on their home world of Cleon, then made responsible for their own equipment and recruiting. This means that each of the Company’s can operate on an independent level if need be. The first four Company’s each have two five man squads of terminators, the second four Company’s have access to one five man squad each, while the last two Company’s have yet to receive any suits. Scouts squads are present in each Company with more squads within those Company’s lacking terminator suits

 

That should be "Companies", in all cases.

 

regardless of their background and the chapter command is careful to keep an eye on each of their Company’s deployment. In the current climate with increased xenos threat throughout the galaxy Company’s two through six are on patrol throughout the reductus sector at any one time

 

"Companies two through to six" and "Reductus Sector"

 

Company’s eight through ten, due to their underpowered nature are tasked with training and recruitment in the hope of a speedy rise to strength. Like a regular Company each Scorpion Company

 

"Companies eight through to ten" and " . . . a regular Company, each Scorpion Company"

 

Because of the Night Scorpion’s need for thorough cold weather training

 

"Night Scorpions' "

 

After this trial by ice a specialization in the cold and it’s effects on the machinery of war must be undertaken.

 

"After this trial by ice, a specialization in the cold and its effect on the machinery of war, must be undertaken."

 

each of the vehicles at the chapter’s disposal

 

"Chapter's"

 

scouring of its demonic artifacts

 

"daemonic"

 

the Night Scorpions have held somewhat of a sustained relationship with Inquisitor Vohn and thus the inquisition as a whole. It is for this reason that quadannual training is held by the Grey Knights for Veteran Night Scorpion squads and why on occasion they are seen fighting side by side in areas that call for the attention of an inquisitor. It is perhaps for this reason, along with their youth, that only a handful of Night Scorpion have yet fallen to the taint of chaos. It is doubtful such a rapport would continue to exist were such events to occur on a grand scale, and, as with any Chapter, it is perhaps just a matter of time until such a blight befalls the Scorpions

 

I posted about this in my last set of critique - nothing's changed, and no explanation has been given as a replacement.

 

and the promise will have been fulfilled

 

"and the promise will have been fulfilled."

 

against any would be Waagghh! Or other xenos threat that could slip through the current bastions assembled in the reductus sector.

 

"or" and "Reductus Sector"

 

The battle group fought valiantly out of the ambush however lost one brother and two scouts in the process

 

"ambush, however losing one brother" or "ambush, however they lost one brother"

 

quickly signaled for more assistance, a signal that the Inquisition picked up. Sending a detachment of Grey Knights

 

That should be all one sentence, "picked up, sending a detachment"

 

honing a precise bolter discipline on the ranges while the Company’s will regularly

 

"Companies"

 

weapons that proved highly effective against their necron foes

 

"Necron"

 

has remained remarkably unchanged since it’s inception.

 

"its"

 

Like all other Son’s of Dorn

 

"Like all other Sons of Dorn,"

 

change a boy into an astartes

 

"Astartes"

 

a sometimes fool hardy doggedness in battle

 

"foolhardy"

 

The same is true of a brothers bolter

 

"brother's"

 

somewhat backwards by their brother marine.

 

"brother Chapters". To me, "brother Marines" implies Marines within the Night Scorpions.

 

Apart from the GK issue, it's just minor grammatical issues.

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Thanks GMT, i removed the GK bit from the article i submitted to the lib but i can't seem to find a copy so i'll change it all this afternoon including your new points

 

I'll have a look through it for you tonight.

 

 

thanks :)

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  • 1 month later...

I found small parts, I dont understand:

The Night Scorpions chapter fortress-monastery resided deep within the jungle but is now located a among the miles of snowy tundra which now clothe Paethon. The Monastery was named the Aegle Proteus, it is here that the inhabitants of Paethon believe that man first came to the planet. It is said in folklore that a being of immense power, robed in Gold and flanked by silvery angels visited the peoples of Paethon, perhaps even the Emperor himself and formed life.

What life he formed?

 

It is constructed on top of an ancient temple that once marked the spot of this event. It is considered a sacred relic of past times that none but the most honoured Astarte may enter.

How can be a Fortress-Monastery of SM constructed on top of ancient temple? Its building or catacomb system?

 

It is however restricted to all those who are not within the Night Scorpion chapter, proving a point of contention between them and the Ordo Xenos who fear that it holds a more sinister secret.

Maybe Ordo Hereticus and not Ordo Xenos?

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  • 4 months later...

right, its been a few months and i've been writing law essay seemingly solidly, now I've made all the changes GMT has suggested and given it a read through and hope it might be nearing completion, new version on first post

 

Note: I'm trying to go through alot of the material and re write it so that the flow is better and information imparted in a more concise and interesting manner, all help is appreciated

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