IA: Night Scorpions

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

It was expected that only natural causes were the root of the problem and as such only light weaponry was taken

What are light weapons going to do against natural causes? Are they going to shoot bolters at a hurricane? Or maybe shoot the ground with flames for shaking too hard. This tidbit sounds ridiculous the way it is worded.

 

Responding quickly Chapter Master Nestor summoned up the remainder of the 10th Company along with the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Companies, the only sections at full strength given the youth of the Chapter

Personally, I don't like the idea of the Mechanicus of kicking a Chapter off Mars before it is ready to go. We know Chapters are raised completely and solely on Mars. So why didn't yours? I feel you should get rid of that last clause.

 

Only the terminators with their heavy weapons and the prowess of the veteran marines could truly match them

Why could only the veterans take them? Are powerfists not distributed to your sergeants?

 

It was therefore decided that, given the power of the veterans against the threat

Again, what makes them so special? Powerfists are not unique to Terminators you know. <_<

 

It would be almost two centuries before the Night Scorpions report would find its way to being read by members of the Ordo Xenos and by this time the Necrons, as they were now called, would be a dominant force in the galaxy.

I like this justification, facing Necrons before they were officially named in the time line.

 

Similar practices were found across Cleon although the planet lacked the nocturnal scorpions of Paethon.

With what? What did the Cleonites have to kill to show their manliness? Not all small details are bad.

 

the Ordo Hereticus who fear that it holds a more sinister secret

What does the Ordo Hereticus think is in there?

 

I also can't imagine the implantation of Paethonites onto Cleon would have good results with the Cleons. Foreign people are invading their land. Shouldn't they fight to safeguard it?

 

within the Company each chaplain and Librarian will possess the rank of “Company Lieutenant”

Are Librarians permanently attached to a Company? In a regular Codex Chapter there is only a Chaplain attached. If each company does have its own personal Librarian, then I think it should have a mention in a sentence before this one.

 

Since the reclamation of the of Undesignated World X898.C8 from Daemon control through a combined force of the Scorpions 3rd Company and a detachment of Grey Knights with the subsequent scouring of its daemonic artifacts, the Night Scorpions have held somewhat of a sustained relationship with Inquisitor Vohn. This however is not to say the Chapters are allies in any more than their bonds within the Empire as a whole. No Space marine would ever truly trust an Inquisitor, and this is certainly the case within the Night Scorpion Chapter council. This event however also provided for an important strengthening of the Company structure. The Daemon possessed world had held important minerals and natural resources vital for the continued manufacturing process of surrounding Adeptus Mechanicus strongholds. As such Chapter Master Nestor was able to accrue a promise of additional tactical dreadnaught suits so that each Company might have use of some. This promise was of approximately one new suit of armour every six years, in return for the services rendered by the Night Scorpions. The Mechanicus has upheld this promise until the present day slowly swelling the ranks of terminator clad veterans within the Chapter and making self sufficient Companies more and more viable. If production rates are maintained the Chapter will achieve at least five suits in every Company within the next 150 years and the promise will have been fulfilled

This entire paragraph is unneeded information. Securing favors from the Mechanicus doesn't seem to be the Night Scorpions' calling card.

 

Their tactics however have had to change following the explosion that plunged their home world into a perma-frost. Tracked and wheeled vehicles such as the rhino and its variants struggle under such conditions becoming bogged down in the thick snow drifts. Similarly the icy winds make the use of jump packs and land speeders difficult as air vents begin to freeze over or the kerosene begins to solidify. Thus the Night Scorpions have developed an emphasis on the use of drop pod assaults more than most codex Chapters so that they might reach their enemy without delay. This does not however mean that they have abandoned their roots, the Night Scorpions are still as slick an infantry machine as they ever were if not more so. Marines will practice for hours on end honing a precise bolter discipline on the ranges while the Companies will regularly perform exercises in cohesion and massed bolter fire. This new tactic was put to the test when an Ork warband designation Skar’got landed on Paethon’s dark side. Quick to react the entire 5th Company deployed via drop pod assault, as they emerged from their pods a withering hail of fire was layed down, wiping the enemy out before the dawn came two days later.

I thought they had another planet to train on. Wasn't it called Cleon? Why the stubbornness to only train in snow when there is another, multi-climated world right next door?

 

Like many Chapters the Scorpions refuse to adopt camouflage even if it means that they are at a tactical disadvantage. This is particularly prevalent when the marines are fighting in the sub zero temperatures that they are so famed for. This however does not strictly apply to the scout squads present within each Company. While their armour remains black and green, honouring their Chapter colours, the scouts will adopt a lighter coloured under armour while sporting camouflaged cloaks to help conceal them among the eddying snow drifts. Before an attack is launched scouts from the Company will regularly adopt observation posts to direct the main spearhead of drop pods to their target. They will often use modified Land Speeder Storms to achieve this task, special designed to cope in even the coldest of conditions.

You're describing the Codex's entry on Scouts. This paragraph is not needed.

 

The ultimate Doctrine, like many marines, is that attack will provide strong defence, plunging quickly to the heart of the enemy and eradicating them before it can react or sectioning off small groups for destruction. This has proved hugely effective throughout the years and vital in many of their theatres of war.

Would you say this strategy is so extreme that the Chapter excludes defensive tactics entirely? So far this paragraph just seems like a throwaway reference. It could use some expanding.

 

Indeed such reliance leads to many squads forgoing the use of specialist equipment beyond melta or flamer technology

What happened to plasma weapons? Earlier you mentioned the Scorpions liked them for their ability to toast Necrons. Now you say they forgo them. Which is it?

 

The ruins scattered across Paethon, and to a lesser extent Cleon, indicate that this God Emperor will one day return to his planet and claim its inhabitants as his own, thus the brother Astartes believe that the Emperor will one day be liberated from his internal slumber and lead his armies

To me, this seems like the it would be the focal point of the Chapter. Where did these ruins come from? How old are they? How do the natives view them? How do the Marines? I think a greater emphasis on these ruins throughout your IA is what will set it apart from others.

 

This seems to be the problem with the Night Scorpions. They have no bait to lure the fish and a blunt hook to reel it in if it happens to catch one. I think the ruins on Cleon and Paethon, how they relate to the God-Emperor and how the people and Astartes view them should be the focus of your Chapter. You could even tie in the Necrons to the ruins. Perhaps have them spring out of the grand-daddy of the ruins on Paethon?

 

I hope this helps.

[gil galed]

Thankyou for all this, its very useful, i'll begin trying to adapt it now

[gil galed]

It was expected that only natural causes were the root of the problem and as such only light weaponry was taken

What are light weapons going to do against natural causes? Are they going to shoot bolters at a hurricane? Or maybe shoot the ground with flames for shaking too hard. This tidbit sounds ridiculous the way it is worded.

 

Changed to basic equipment, I see your point

 

Responding quickly Chapter Master Nestor summoned up the remainder of the 10th Company along with the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Companies, the only sections at full strength given the youth of the Chapter

Personally, I don't like the idea of the Mechanicus of kicking a Chapter off Mars before it is ready to go. We know Chapters are raised completely and solely on Mars. So why didn't yours? I feel you should get rid of that last clause.

 

Actually that is how chapters are made according to the liber thread

 

Only the terminators with their heavy weapons and the prowess of the veteran marines could truly match them

Why could only the veterans take them? Are powerfists not distributed to your sergeants?

 

Well the sgts. are veterans really? so sure they would be proficient, i'm not saying they just all would get killed i'm just saying it wasn't effective, or as effective as terminators,

 

It was therefore decided that, given the power of the veterans against the threat

Again, what makes them so special? Powerfists are not unique to Terminators you know. ;)

 

I only mention power fists once, i'm saying the heavy weapons (like assault cannons heavy flamers) and just general heavyness of terminators is key ;)

 

It would be almost two centuries before the Night Scorpions report would find its way to being read by members of the Ordo Xenos and by this time the Necrons, as they were now called, would be a dominant force in the galaxy.

I like this justification, facing Necrons before they were officially named in the time line.

 

Thanks ;) it was someone elses suggestion :P

 

Similar practices were found across Cleon although the planet lacked the nocturnal scorpions of Paethon.

With what? What did the Cleonites have to kill to show their manliness? Not all small details are bad.

 

changed to a smaller but faster scorpion to emphasize an idea of rivalry between the factions

 

the Ordo Hereticus who fear that it holds a more sinister secret

What does the Ordo Hereticus think is in there?

 

Necrons

 

I also can't imagine the implantation of Paethonites onto Cleon would have good results with the Cleons. Foreign people are invading their land. Shouldn't they fight to safeguard it?

 

Added

 

within the Company each chaplain and Librarian will possess the rank of “Company Lieutenant”

Are Librarians permanently attached to a Company? In a regular Codex Chapter there is only a Chaplain attached. If each company does have its own personal Librarian, then I think it should have a mention in a sentence before this one.

 

Added that while part of librariam they are attached to a company

 

Since the reclamation of the of Undesignated World X898.C8 from Daemon control through a combined force of the Scorpions 3rd Company and a detachment of Grey Knights with the subsequent scouring of its daemonic artifacts, the Night Scorpions have held somewhat of a sustained relationship with Inquisitor Vohn. This however is not to say the Chapters are allies in any more than their bonds within the Empire as a whole. No Space marine would ever truly trust an Inquisitor, and this is certainly the case within the Night Scorpion Chapter council. This event however also provided for an important strengthening of the Company structure. The Daemon possessed world had held important minerals and natural resources vital for the continued manufacturing process of surrounding Adeptus Mechanicus strongholds. As such Chapter Master Nestor was able to accrue a promise of additional tactical dreadnaught suits so that each Company might have use of some. This promise was of approximately one new suit of armour every six years, in return for the services rendered by the Night Scorpions. The Mechanicus has upheld this promise until the present day slowly swelling the ranks of terminator clad veterans within the Chapter and making self sufficient Companies more and more viable. If production rates are maintained the Chapter will achieve at least five suits in every Company within the next 150 years and the promise will have been fulfilled

This entire paragraph is unneeded information. Securing favors from the Mechanicus doesn't seem to be the Night Scorpions' calling card.

 

Need justification for the terminator suits :) welcome to suggestions

 

Their tactics however have had to change following the explosion that plunged their home world into a perma-frost. Tracked and wheeled vehicles such as the rhino and its variants struggle under such conditions becoming bogged down in the thick snow drifts. Similarly the icy winds make the use of jump packs and land speeders difficult as air vents begin to freeze over or the kerosene begins to solidify. Thus the Night Scorpions have developed an emphasis on the use of drop pod assaults more than most codex Chapters so that they might reach their enemy without delay. This does not however mean that they have abandoned their roots, the Night Scorpions are still as slick an infantry machine as they ever were if not more so. Marines will practice for hours on end honing a precise bolter discipline on the ranges while the Companies will regularly perform exercises in cohesion and massed bolter fire. This new tactic was put to the test when an Ork warband designation Skar’got landed on Paethon’s dark side. Quick to react the entire 5th Company deployed via drop pod assault, as they emerged from their pods a withering hail of fire was layed down, wiping the enemy out before the dawn came two days later.

I thought they had another planet to train on. Wasn't it called Cleon? Why the stubbornness to only train in snow when there is another, multi-climated world right next door?

 

 

Added stuff to try and smooth this out,

 

Like many Chapters the Scorpions refuse to adopt camouflage even if it means that they are at a tactical disadvantage. This is particularly prevalent when the marines are fighting in the sub zero temperatures that they are so famed for. This however does not strictly apply to the scout squads present within each Company. While their armour remains black and green, honouring their Chapter colours, the scouts will adopt a lighter coloured under armour while sporting camouflaged cloaks to help conceal them among the eddying snow drifts. Before an attack is launched scouts from the Company will regularly adopt observation posts to direct the main spearhead of drop pods to their target. They will often use modified Land Speeder Storms to achieve this task, special designed to cope in even the coldest of conditions.

You're describing the Codex's entry on Scouts. This paragraph is not needed.

 

I wanted to emphasize that they kept their former colours even in the face of new stuff but you're probably right, i'll find something to do

 

The ultimate Doctrine, like many marines, is that attack will provide strong defence, plunging quickly to the heart of the enemy and eradicating them before it can react or sectioning off small groups for destruction. This has proved hugely effective throughout the years and vital in many of their theatres of war.

Would you say this strategy is so extreme that the Chapter excludes defensive tactics entirely? So far this paragraph just seems like a throwaway reference. It could use some expanding.

 

No not really, its pretty much throw away :woot:

 

Indeed such reliance leads to many squads forgoing the use of specialist equipment beyond melta or flamer technology

What happened to plasma weapons? Earlier you mentioned the Scorpions liked them for their ability to toast Necrons. Now you say they forgo them. Which is it?

 

removed

 

The ruins scattered across Paethon, and to a lesser extent Cleon, indicate that this God Emperor will one day return to his planet and claim its inhabitants as his own, thus the brother Astartes believe that the Emperor will one day be liberated from his internal slumber and lead his armies

To me, this seems like the it would be the focal point of the Chapter. Where did these ruins come from? How old are they? How do the natives view them? How do the Marines? I think a greater emphasis on these ruins throughout your IA is what will set it apart from others.

 

Added part to philosophy and religion section, attempted to make it seem more necron-y, also changed earlier reference to silver skeletons and a gold god in a vague attempt to make it more obvious i'm alluding to the deceiver and necrons not really to the emperor and astartes

 

 

 

Any further points anyone?

 

p.s I'm not sure how much a chapter needs a hook, I don't want them to be gimmicky, they don't need to stand out, all space marines are heroes and thus all of them are the same, in the grim darkness of the future where there is only death and destruction I want the scorpions to be that chapter which does its job, is good at its job but isn't 'special' in the sense that it has some massive plot hook that makes them 'interesting', there are only so many ideas to go around and with 1000 chapters its all be done before :P (but the necrons coming back to kill them all in the future will be fun )

 

p.p.s Maybe I should make it so the necrons have stashed the lost space marine legion (who are pariah nulls) in that temple....

[gil galed]

changed some things, leave this for a couple of days then submit it if no opinions :P

[gil galed]

putting it back to the front for some general love before submission

[Grand Master Tyrak]

the Ordo Hereticus who fear that it holds a more sinister secret

What does the Ordo Hereticus think is in there?

Necrons

 

I know the different Ordos can deal with each other's specialisations if need be, but wouldn't that sort of information be passed over to the Ordo Xenos specialists to deal with? More than that, they're the ones that you sent the report to, not the Ordo Hereticus.

 

Need justification for the terminator suits ^_^ welcome to suggestions

 

You're a new Chapter. You're automatically short on Terminator suits and are therefore on the priority list for new suits.

 

Overview

 

This section could probably be incorporated into the Origins section, it's too short to need its own section.

 

that even the might of the Crimson fists

 

Capital 'F'.

 

would act as the main base of the Chapter, its sister world Cleon would

 

that should be either " . . . the Chapter and its sister world . . ." or " . . . the Chapter, and its sister world . . ."

 

The few remaining scouts were fighting back to back, a mortally wounded commander in their midst. Their foe, metallic skeletons, firing relentless green bolts of energy into their ranks.

 

This can be all one sentence - just replace the first full stop with a semi-colon.

 

The terminator squads were moved in and proved hugely more successful

 

Capital 'T' for Terminator and that should be either "hugely successful" or "much more successful".

 

Only the terminators with their heavy weapons and the prowess of the veteran marines could truly match them. This proved hugely contentious especially for the companies who lacked any terminator squads.

 

Capital 'T' for Terminators.

 

Scouts were rapidly sent out in strictly non-combat reconnaissance and returned with grave news

 

That might be better put as "The remaining Scouts" otherwise people might wonder where the replacement ones came from, and it might be better phrased as "strictly covert reconnaissance".

 

bar Commander Atlas who was in a critical condition with the Chapters apothecaries

 

"Chapter's" and "Apothecaries".

 

the 1st companies Tactical Dreadnought suits

 

"The 1st Company's". Personally, I think it's better as "The First Company's", but that's up to you.

 

no help would be sort

 

That should be "sought".

 

Second and perhaps more importantly the Chapter Council feared that this unknown enemy may have somehow tainted their homeworld, instead of opening themselves up to Inquisitorial scrutiny they would deal with the problem themselves.

 

A colon or a hyphen might work better than a comma here. Also, it might be worth throwing in a little hint of the high-handed independence that the Astartes are famous for with a bit of self-justification - "After all, the Astartes were intended to police themselves".

 

Having pin pointed the tomb battle plans were drawn

 

That might be better rendered as "Having pin-pointed the tomb, the battle plans were drawn up."

 

Each battle company would then fight running battles with their foes, using their newly acquired terminator armour to its best effect.

 

"Battle Company" and "Terminator".

 

the Chapter’s first and second battle companies

 

"First and Second Battle Companies" - they're proper nouns.

 

The fighting however was bloodier than any had imagined.

 

Either "However, the fighting was bloodier than any had imagined" or simply "The fighting was bloodier than any had imagined". Personally I think the second version has more impact, but either one is fine.

 

The 3rd battle company in particular

 

"Battle Company".

 

The first and second companies were, however, able to battle their way to the core of the tomb, and as those not in Terminator Armour exfiltrated out melta bombs were rigged to the archaic structures, the terminators teleporting out as the explosives ripped their way through the crypt.

 

"First and Second Companies", "Terminator" and "armour".

 

The titanic explosion ripped a hole in the side of the planet permanently scarring its luscious surface

 

There should be a comma after "planet".

 

but the deed was done and the aliens had been destroyed or scattered without a leader.

 

"without a leader" should be cut - it doesn't really add anything and the structure makes it sound like the Night Scorpions destroyed them without a leader, rather than the Necrons being leaderless.

 

Paethon and its inhabitants were quickly chosen to become the home world for a new space marine Chapter,

 

"Space Marine".

 

with a marine’s armour incorporating a mix of its shell and eyes

 

"Marine's".

 

I'll do this in two posts.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

Indeed the first Chapter master

 

"Chapter Master".

 

along with a handful of the planets wildlife including the Scorpion so that the refugee’s of Paethon

 

"planet's" and "refugees".

 

The Night Scorpions Chapter fortress-monastery resided deep within the jungle

 

Either "The Night Scorpions' fortress-monastery" or "The Night Scorpions Chapter's fortress-monastery". I'd recommend the first, it's briefer.

 

but is now located among the miles of snowy tundra which now clothe Paethon

 

The second "now" can be removed.

 

robed in Gold

 

"gold".

 

The outside of the fortress-Monastery

 

Either "Fortress-Monastery" or "fortress-monastery". Use whichever one you like, but use it consistently throughout the article.

 

Since Cleon became the Chapter’s main recruitment world the Chapter outpost there as seen vast improvements

 

"has seen".

 

bringing it close the majesty of the Aegle Proteus

 

"close to".

 

Potential recruits are still required to slay creatures of the jungle and bring them to the Outpost, to prove themselves worthy of becoming a space marine

 

The comma can be removed and that should be "Space Marine".

 

Those that kill the either the newly introduced Paethon Scorpion that now reside on Cleon or the faster Cleon Scorpion are prized most highly of all.

 

Either "Patheon Scorpions that now reside" or "Paethon Scorpion that now resides".

 

While this unease rarely breaks out into violence, they are after all linked by both their humanity and their devotion to the God Emperor, it is never the less a factor on the planet.

 

This would work better as "While this unease rarely breaks out into violence, since they are after all linked by both their humanity and their devotion to the God Emperor". Also, it's "nevertheless".

 

is a true test of an aspirants worth

 

"aspirant's"

 

the true sign of a Man

 

"man".

 

is not uncommon for such prejudices to carry over into the Chapter proper with the Cleonite Companies boasting of their speed with the Paethonite camps boast of their greater physical power

 

"and the Patheonite Companies boasting".

 

While exact numbers of men and specialists varies between each company

 

"Company".

 

and the Chapter command is careful to keep an eye on each of their Companies deployment.

 

"Companies' "

 

In the current climate with increased xenos threat throughout the galaxy Companies two through six are on patrol throughout the Reductus Sector at any one time while the first Company guards the twin planets and the seventh Company continues routine missions between the Night Scorpions protected human worlds.

 

There should be a comma after "galaxy". Also, the numbers should be capitalised as "First" and "Seventh" since they're part of the name of the company. This doesn't apply to "two" and "six" since they're not part of the company names (it would have to be "Second" and "Sixth" for that).

 

Companies eight through ten, due to their underpowered nature are tasked with training and recruitment in the hope of a speedy rise to strength.

 

That could be better worded as "Due to their underpowered nature, Companies eight through to ten are tasked with . . ."

 

within the Company each chaplain and Librarian

 

"Chaplain".

 

and the likely the successor to “Company Commander” should the current brother astartes become incapacitated.

 

"and the likely successor . . . should the current Captain . . ."

 

permitted to done completely green helmets

 

"permitted to don".

 

Because of the state of Paethon the Night Scorpions’ feel

 

There's no need for an apostrophe here.

 

having first past the arduous initiation ritual

 

"passed".

 

with little food and meager shelter

 

"meagre". Personally, I think it would work better as "meagre food and little shelter", but that's just my opinion.

 

After these trials by ice, a specialization in the cold and it’s effects on the machinery of war must be undertaken

 

"its".

 

Correction: three posts.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

It is therefore imperative that each recruit has a beyond average (for a space marine)

 

"Space Marine".

 

his weapon and his suit, it is for this reason that the Chapter

 

"his suit, and it is for this reason . . ."

 

that become trained for assaults squads

 

"assault".

 

or the small amount of maintained land speeder squadrons.

 

There's no real need for "maintained" here, just "small amount" is fine. Also, "Land Speeder" is a proper noun.

 

the scout squads attached to a Company are highly respected members of the organization, bonded by genealogy and geology.

 

"geology"? :huh: I'm not sure you intended that. Geology is the scientific study of rock structures and/or a planet's crust.

 

If you want to emphasise "genealogy", then add "and tribal links".

 

Since the reclamation of the of Undesignated World X898.C8 from Daemon control etc.

 

Since you now have justification for increased rates of supply for your Terminator suits, this section can be cut as per Grand Admiral Thrawn's suggestion. Since that means the sidebar will go too, move the picture of the Terminator down a bit to cover for it.

 

The Night Scorpions mission was ultimately to be a defence against any would be Waagghh! or other xenos threat that could slip through the current bastions assembled in the Reductus sector.

 

"Night Scorpions' mission", "would-be" and "current defences".

 

Their tactics however have become to change

 

The "however" can be cut, and it should be "begun" instead of "become".

 

Tracked and wheeled vehicles such as the rhino and its variants struggle under such conditions becoming bogged down in the thick snow drifts.

 

I find that hard to believe. The RH1NO chassis was deliberately designed to operate in all possible environments and its well-known hardiness is the result. Apply this to heavier tanks like the Predator and the Land Raider if you want, but the original lightweight (relatively) versions aren't going to have this problem. It's a bit ridiculous to take a vehicle that is designed for all environments and effectively claim that someone forgot to winter-proof it. Also, "Rhino" is a proper noun.

 

similarly the icy winds make the use of jump packs and land speeders difficult

 

"Land Speeders".

 

a withering hail of fire was layed down, wiping the enemy out before the dawn came two days later.

 

"laid". It might also be worth changing it to "two standard days", just to remind people that the days on Patheon are longer than the standard 24-hour day.

 

to achieve this task, special designed to cope

 

"specially". "modified" would be better than "designed", since you're still using the Land Speeder chassis.

 

The ultimate Doctrine,

 

"doctrine".

 

only marines with these qualities

 

"Marines".

 

Due to the low turn over of new equipment from Mars and the low ranking of the Night Scorpions in receiving this equipment the Chapter is taught to venerate each and every piece of armour or weaponry that passes through the brother ranks.

 

The reason is unlikely to be true (a new Chapter should be fully stocked, and the Mechanicus has a duty to fulfil), but the veneration can work for the same reason that all Astartes venerate their gear - no matter how much the forges of Mars produce there are never enough replacements.

 

Indeed the lectitio divinitatus is such a pervasive force within the chapter that it is all but accepted as the true religion of the Chapter

 

It's actually the Temple of the Saviour Emperor that took power as the Ecclesiarchy in M32, until that was swept away in the Thorian revolution. Whatever cult the Ecclesiarchy is now, it's not been the Lectitio Divinatus for some millennia.

 

Librariam tirelessly attempts to diciphere and understand

 

"Librarium" and "decipher".

 

seems to get clearing

 

"clearer".

 

in which gods will once more walk the Planets

 

"planets".

 

Many members of the Chapter believe that this must surely refer to God Emperor

 

"refer to the God-Emperor".

 

from his internal slumber on the golden throne

 

"eternal slumber" and "Golden Throne".

 

Such views on the Emperors Divinity

 

"Emperor's"

 

Nothing though seems to have dimmed the Scorpions belief,

 

"Scorpions' belief".

 

It's really just the spelling and grammar issues that need fixing, there's only really two minor issues of fluff. The content and presentation are both good.

 

Give me a shout when you're done, I'll give it a quick once-over and hopefully you can submit it to the Librarium. :tu:

 

I hope Ferrata doesn't get too annoyed at my triple-posting. ^_^

[gil galed]

O GMT, what would I do without you ^_^

 

edit: right notes and points

 

I have changed everything you have suggested - bar the terminator stuff I want to talk through.

 

I'm slightly confused as to what the fluff is on terminator suits, the lexicanum and codex's i've read seem to suggest that terminator armour is incredibly rare with only 1st founding chapters having a true complement of 100 suits any many new chapters lacking even 50 or perhaps 25 suits. Plus with the decay of knowledge I thought that to produce a tactical dreadnaught suit was particularly hard.

 

if am wrong then I suppose yes we don't need the link with the mechanicum (although its nice not to be a mechanicum hating chapter for once), but i'm sure other chapters had to justify increased stuff with reasons :nuke:

 

as the C:SM (5th ed) states TDA "is very rare", can the ad-mech really just create 100 suits for every new chapter created?

 

p.s And I like my chaos story hehe

[Grand Master Tyrak]

as the C:SM (5th ed) states TDA "is very rare", can the ad-mech really just create 100 suits for every new chapter created?

 

Yes. The problem is that if the Chapter in question doesn't maintain its existing TDA will often have gone through well over 300 suits of TDA by the time the order for 100 suits is complete. They're still being made, but the construction rate is not even close to the speed required. That's what makes them rare - it's not so much a case of replacements being non-existent as replacements taking far too long to create and be supplied.

 

At this point, I think there is going to be a priority list, although this is purely my own opinion in the same way that the Chapter training cadre is Liber opinion. Mechanicum gives the only possible evidence for that with supplies being sent to one Legion in preference to another, but I think the principle can still apply - some Chapters will need it more urgently than others. I think a new Chapter that doesn't have any TDA at all will automatically be on the priority list, with maybe 50 suits out of 100 being the benchmark that need to be reached before you come off the priority list. You mention in the IA that the Chapter is not fully formed yet (not all the companies are available), so the suits could be being supplied to you at the increased rate while other Chapters have to wait in line. For example, a Chapter with 90 suits of TDA is unlikely to get a newly-made suit over the head of a Chapter that only has 20 suits. The one with 20 suits will get the replacement, because they don't have so many.

 

Because of this concept of the 50-suit limit for the priority list, I would recommend throwing in a little note that says because you only have half the full supply of TDA, your Terminator squads are always fielded in squads of five. That means you have enough for one squad per Company without needing 100 TDA suits.

[gil galed]

as the C:SM (5th ed) states TDA "is very rare", can the ad-mech really just create 100 suits for every new chapter created?

 

Yes. The problem is that if the Chapter in question doesn't maintain its existing TDA will often have gone through well over 300 suits of TDA by the time the order for 100 suits is complete. They're still being made, but the construction rate is not even close to the speed required. That's what makes them rare - it's not so much a case of replacements being non-existent as replacements taking far too long to create and be supplied.

 

At this point, I think there is going to be a priority list, although this is purely my own opinion in the same way that the Chapter training cadre is Liber opinion. Mechanicum gives the only possible evidence for that with supplies being sent to one Legion in preference to another, but I think the principle can still apply - some Chapters will need it more urgently than others. I think a new Chapter that doesn't have any TDA at all will automatically be on the priority list, with maybe 50 suits out of 100 being the benchmark that need to be reached before you come off the priority list. You mention in the IA that the Chapter is not fully formed yet (not all the companies are available), so the suits could be being supplied to you at the increased rate while other Chapters have to wait in line. For example, a Chapter with 90 suits of TDA is unlikely to get a newly-made suit over the head of a Chapter that only has 20 suits. The one with 20 suits will get the replacement, because they don't have so many.

 

Because of this concept of the 50-suit limit for the priority list, I would recommend throwing in a little note that says because you only have half the full supply of TDA, your Terminator squads are always fielded in squads of five. That means you have enough for one squad per Company without needing 100 TDA suits.

 

Fair does then, I've removed the ad-mech part,

 

can i keep the tenuous link with inquistor vohn (he's my personal =][= and leader of my GK) as i'd like a link with my other fluff creations though?

and thus the sidebar ;)

[Grand Master Tyrak]

can i keep the tenuous link with inquistor vohn (he's my personal =][= and leader of my GK) as i'd like a link with my other fluff creations though?

and thus the sidebar ;)

 

I'll check it for spelling and grammar.

 

Since the reclamation of the of Undesignated World X898.C8 from Daemon control through a combined force of the Scorpions 3rd Company and a detachment of Grey Knights with the subsequent scouring of its daemonic artifacts, the Night Scorpions have held somewhat of a sustained relationship with Inquisitor Vohn. This however is not to say the Chapters are allies in any more than their bonds within the Empire as a whole. No Space Marine would ever truly trust an Inquisitor, and this is certainly the case within the Night Scorpion Chapter council.

 

It should be "Chapter Council". Also, all references to a "detachment" of Grey Knights should be changed to a "squad" or "two squads". If the Inquisitor can call on the Chamber Militant for free, then he's not going to waste his hard-earned favours calling on you at the same time unless there's a full-blown Black Crusade happening. And if the latter is the case, then frankly you should have noticed and gone to deal with it anyway. It's the reason that Allied Space Marines cannot be taken in a DH parent list when Grey Knights are present. The reverse is allowed because there won't be enough of the Chamber Militant present, which is why I would limit it to one or two squads to keep it realistic. If you want more Inquisitorial troops, you could throw in as many Stormtrooper squads as you want without breaking the Allies rule.

 

One more thing. It's the Third Company in the main text but the Fourth Company in the sidebar. Which one is it?

 

deep in the Segmentum Tempus.

 

Segmentum Tempestus.

 

Upon receiving an imperial distress signal from the supposedly abandoned planet

 

"Imperial".

 

a signal that the an Inquisitorial force picked up, a detachment of Grey Knights under Inquisitor Vohn being dispatched from Saturn.

 

This could be better worded as "which was picked up by Inquisitor Vohn, who took a squad/two squads of Grey Knights to help the Night Scorpions". The Grey Knights are known to be spread all over the galaxy rather than concentrated on Titan (so they can react to local situations quickly), so they're more likely to have been dispatched from an Inquisitorial fortress in the Segmentum rather than from halfway across the Imperium.

 

had been called upon and hung ready in orbit. The Companies scouts had already located

 

That could be better worded as "stood ready in orbit". Also, it's "Company's".

 

and the Companies Terminators

 

"Company's".

 

The Grey Knights acCompanying the 4th Company Command Squad

 

"accompanying". IMO, this little bit fits in really well with only having a few Grey Knights present, since it means you've got a reason to be brought into the heart of the action.

 

The Night Scorpions however had gained the respect of the Grey Knights and Inquisitor Vohn.

 

The "However" should go at the front, so it would read "However, the Night Scorpions had gained . . ."

 

That's all for now. ;)

[gil galed]

all updated, anything more?

[Grand Master Tyrak]

Children of the Crimsons Fists, they currently patrol the reductus sector, protecting the light of the Imperium from the xenos that prowl the edge of the galaxy.

 

"Reductus Sector" and "Crimson Fists".

 

between the Chapters of the Crimson Fists, The Marines Exemplar and the Dark Hunters

 

"the Marines Exemplar".

 

they would deal with the problem themselves, An Marines business was after all his own

 

"a Marine's"

 

While this was happening the Chapter’s first and second battle companies, lead by the Chapter master himself

 

"First and Second Battle Companies", "led" and "Chapter Master".

 

distinguished by it’s luminescent green eyes

 

"its"

 

the planet has been thrown out of orbit with it’s sister world Cleon

 

"its"

 

They will often use modified Land Speeder Storms to achieve this task, special modified to cope in even the coldest of conditions.

 

To avoid repeating "modified", substitute "adapted" for the second "modified". Also, it's "specially".

 

The same is true of a brothers bolter which is seen as their most important piece of equipment,

 

"brother's" and a comma after "bolter".

 

The opening quote and the "Overview" section still need to be consolidated into the top of the Origins section. Also, one of your pictures doesn't seem to be showing up.

 

Other than that, you're nearly done. :D

[gil galed]

imageshack is playing up clearly,

 

 

all changed per GMT, specifically the quote consolidated into origins and the majority of over view cut bar the "patrolling reductus sector" which was tagged onto the end of the origins

[gil galed]

Accidental post as opposed to edit :D

[Grand Master Tyrak]

Right, as far as I can see you're ready to submit then. Good work. :D

[gil galed]

well that was a hastle lol, for some reason my apostraphes and speech marks come out as % and come random garble so i had to manually re type every one in the message window heh, o well

 

Its Submitted ;)

 

Thanks for all the help GMT, heres to hoping its all ok :P

[Grand Master Tyrak]

Slight problem: the text in the submitted version has imposed itself over the picture of Patheon and Cleon. I'm going to deny it for now, can you resubmit it to see if that clears the problem? It may just be a copy & paste error in the coding.

 

EDIT - scratch that, I went back and checked and there was no problem - it must have been my computer. It's been approved. Link.

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

Congratulations :P

[gil galed]

Great :) thanks everyone for all the help!

[dragonknight4275]

oh...................one thing to say to you bud. WOW. Very cool! one thing, could you tell me how you format all the words like that? As soon as I saw this I knew I wanted to do this with my Chapter of Space Marines too. So could you explain how you get all the color schemes on the page, format w/ red headings, etc. You'll be the first to know about it when it comes (personal message). Thanks!

 

dragonknight4275

 

oh, by the way, how do you make a signature?

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

You're a new Chapter. You're automatically short on Terminator suits and are therefore on the priority list for new suits.

 

Honestly - and I have read all other discussion on the subject in this thread - I think that any chapter with longer standing ties, treaties or commitments to the AdMech (read, most older chapters and 'chapters of legend') would be much higher on the priority list. The AdMech are notorious for playing favourites.

 

I think it would come out more that if say the Mentors asked for ten suits and your chapter asked for five, they would get the five you asked for on top of six more that they produced afterwards with your chapter perhaps getting the extra suit.

 

oh, by the way, how do you make a signature?

 

Go into "My Controls" at the top right of the page the click on the signiature controls on the bottom left of that page.