antique_nova Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Just wanted to say that their is no power armoured characters in this chapter, just words discribing them and their entry. This chapter is only to introduce how serious the situation must be, before space marines enter the battle. Power armoured characters will be in the next chapter. Also, no gore or violent discription of death has been typed into this story.....yet Inspired by Strike Captain Lysimachus's Planet fall The ground was pounding with the weight of death and the air was blocked out by the stench of decay. “INCOMING…….ge” The figure grabs his helmet and belly flops towards the ground, cursing as he did at the lack of fire support and the fact that he danced with death once more. Fortunately, his fellow comrades had sensed it too and they too had dived for cover Slowly standing up and recovering from his filthy; mud covered uniform, Storm trooper sergeant Niel of the 13th brass brazen company looked like a man who had seen death a dozen times and many more. His leggings were torn from the knee down, exposing deep angry red scars from the shrapnel had caught him from previous fire fights, his shirt covered with perspiration, exhaustion reaching its peak and recent helpings of slime, ash and dirt had all taken their toll upon the sergeant for the past hour, who equally thought of it as life at its finest. Clearing his head, he looks through a hole in the sniper position noticing the ugly, but brutal figures of the green scum. The Orks and crimson lights pouring into their ranks. He beckons his squad to move to the area that he had just located. Setting his vox range to 50 metres and then shouting into his vox. “Sergeant Niel speaking, identify your rank, squad number and currant situation!” The seconds pass as more screams can be heard from dying men before him, as the continuing noise that erupted from the crude guns of the orks made the communications like this next to impossible. A buzz erupts from the sergeant’s vox “Sergeant Tuck, Platoon 240, Squad two-four here, we are barely holding the green scum back, we require assistance, repeat we require assistance." “Don’t worry sergeant, squad 12S are on our way” responds Niel. 12S was one of the 24 squads of storm troopers assigned to defend this strategic asset. “The glory boys are here are they? You’d better hurry up or there will be nothing left of us” Not hearing the last few words, Sergeant Niel knows he cannot do much for squad two-four, who are only 50 metres away, but he can try and try he damn well will. “Concentrate fire on one ork at a time, damn you trooper, I said concentrate not evaluate! Medic, where is the medic we have casualties here and where the hell are those shiny boys?” Those were all words that sergeant Tuck could manage, before he noticed that the skies were turning hairy with black spots and wings. “Damn the orks, they have air support” Turning to look at the rest of his squad, knowing they were eager for this fight to end, and knowing that they were tired, weary and afraid, could not stop the orks from reaching them before reinforcements could arrive in time. Sergeant Tuck gives one last prayer to the emperor as he whips out two bolt pistols, the pistols that were given to him on the day of his promotion and bellows one last order in the mist of death. “Men, you have fought against this endless tide and you have fought with honour. Now is the time to finish this fight, for the emperor and for the Imperium, charge and frag them back to whatever hell hole they came from!” With that order, Sergeant Tuck and the twenty guardsmen that are left in his squad, pull out their grenades and throw them into the green crowd. While charging into the horde, firing and swearing to their hearts contempt, knowing full well that it is better to die with madness than to die with fear. Upon a hill not 10 metres away, squad 12S arrive only to find that the squad that they were to reinforce had just charged into the horde, noticing such bravery, they begin to charge, but not before they notice something odd. Trooper Bacon shouts to his sergeant and points towards the black dot heading straight towards them. Looking up, Sergeant Niel’s stomach turns and his mind races. “Sweat Emperor, is that what I think it is?” His mouth agape, more pinpricks started to appear right behind the black dot that was heading for them. In thirteen years of fighting in service to the Emperor. The sergeant had never seen such a sight A sight he would never forget Nor see again. He had heard legends about them, armoured knights that dropped from the skies, onto the hated enemies of the Imperium spitting death to their foes and bringing hope their allies. This seem only all too true, as the sergeant regained his senses, smiled, then charged into the green horde, knowing that they would soon be joined by the emperor’s finest. The space marines! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sons of Horus Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 some lines are somewhat redundant. for example "He beckons his squad to move to the location that he had just located." using "location" twice isn't that appealing to read. the story itself was alright though :confused: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2037977 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted July 2, 2009 Author Share Posted July 2, 2009 some lines are somewhat redundant. for example "He beckons his squad to move to the location that he had just located." using "location" twice isn't that appealing to read. the story itself was alright though :confused: Gotcha, horay a reply :D. anything else? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2037983 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt Rafen Posted July 17, 2009 Share Posted July 17, 2009 Short and sweet, I liked it cant wait for the continuation ;) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2052406 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 wooo hooo a comment in what? 2 weeks? XD too long. but i only need one reply to drive me on. congrats Sgt Rafen, ill fix one up right away :huh:. EDIT: hey guys sorry about the lack of grammar and proper spelling, i hadn't noticed it until today, when i looked through it again. Chapter two sneak peak: The random thumps and the constant humming of the drop pod's coolant fans were drowned out with the prayers of the men inside them. Sergeant: "With the fires of war, shall we bring destruction to those that oppose us" Rest of the squad: "To the shadows we bring light" (Bolters are switched off safe mode) Sergeant:"With the purity of faith, shall we enlighten those who listen" "To those who choose not, we purify such taint" (Headlights are switched on) Sergeant:"With steal and iron, shall we forge our bodies from death and decay" "Least we perish in our holy duty" (Right hand is saluted to the left chest with a fist) Sergeant:"With the will of the mind, shall we construct our course" "Least we are driven from our righteous path" (Right hand is placed flat on forehead, then moves to the left chest in a fist) Sergeant:"With the leader of mankind upon us, shall we triumph" "We shall not fail, not now, not ever" (Entire squad kneels down on left knee and places left hand onto the floor in a fist and bolter tip rests on the floor, acting at the other hand) Entire squad: "To war we prosper, as we came, we saw, we conquered" (Squad rises as one, sets bolter to full-auto, turns around to face outside pod and stamps lightly onto the floor twice, signalling the end of the prayer ) ( For a joke, you could make the marines go into the queen mode and do the song, we will rock you ^^ just a thought :D ) hope you like it thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2054805 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I like it, though as mentioned, some lines are a tad redundant. Nice to see the Marines being recognised for what they are, rather than being taken for granted. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2056591 Share on other sites More sharing options...
The emperors chosen Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 We want more! We want more! :lol: just one problem, you can't kneel down in a drop pod, you are strapped in so you don't go SPLAT! in the atmosphere. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2056621 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 i will need to fix that chosen, i thought about it aswell, but not sure how to replace it yet... skirax pm me about the parts that you think are redundant, because i am not 100% happy with it yet and i need... experienced writers to help me :D. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2057140 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Dave Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 i liked that alot well done Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2057156 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 Chapter Two: The random thumps and the constant humming of the drop pod's coolant fans were drowned out with the prayers of the men inside them. Sergeant: "With the fires of war, shall we bring destruction to those that oppose us" Rest of the squad: "To the shadows we bring light" (Bolters are switched off safe mode) Sergeant:"With the purity of faith, shall we enlighten those who listen" "To those who choose not, we purify such taint" (Headlights are switched on) Sergeant:"With steal and iron, shall we forge our bodies from death and decay" "Least we perish in our holy duty" (Right hand is saluted to the left chest with a fist) Sergeant:"With the will of the mind, shall we construct our course" "Least we are driven from our righteous path" (Right hand is placed flat on forehead, then moves to the left chest in a fist) Sergeant:"With the leader of mankind upon us, shall we triumph" "We shall not fail, not now, not ever" (Entire squad kneels down on left knee and places left hand onto the floor in a fist and bolter tip rests on the floor, acting at the other hand) Entire squad: "To war we prosper as we came, we saw, we conquered" (Squad rises as one, sets bolter to full-auto, turns around to face outside pod and stamps lightly onto the floor twice, signalling the end of the prayer ) As the rattling continued within the drop pod, the lights within the pod rapidly blinked with shades of red, signalling the last few hundred meters as the marines braced for landing. Outside the pod however, events were even tenser. “Sarge! What do you want us to do?” “As always trooper, take the glory with guns and bubblegum.” Bubblegum was the term referred to the men of the company of storm troopers as fight to the death, in other words holding the ground for reinforcements and not yielding an inch of ground to the enemy willingly, as death was as common to the Imperial Guard as the number of munitions that were provided to them. The trooper acknowledged his leader’s words as if he has heard them a hundred times and one more. “Yes sarge, but don’t we want to spoil the big boy’s fun? After all we’re not the ones who will be in the glory talk later, not with them marines around.” “Point taken, now why you lot standing here like guardsmen on parade ground, get stuck in, we’re not going to win this war by just standing and shouting all day are we?!” “No sarge!” Shouted trooper Ogra as he smiled at the sergeant’s comment and ran at the tide of orks with a gun in hand and his companions on his back. “Time to clear this cesspit, before the big boys take all the fun” The sergeant reaches into one of his many pocket pouches, pulls out a timer and frowns at the rucksack in front of him. “Smart man, that kid is” referring to trooper Ogra, with a grin.” Then suddenly, hearing a roar in the distant and looking up to see a rather large ork charging through his own mob, shoving and thumping his own men just to get through to his enemy. Sergeant Neil sets his timer to 20 seconds, stuffs it into the rucksack and hurls it into the direction of the large ork. “Let’s see how loud you cry after this payload.” Amongst the green tide that was charging into the thin line of guardsmen was a large ork by the name of Nob Izgotcha. “Oy youz der, getz oudda my way or iz croke ya. WAAAG….” Suddenly hit by a heavy bag, Izgotcha swears and picks up the bag to see what was in it. What ork nob Izgotcha didn’t know was that the bag was fully loaded with frag grenades and a timer. Shocked and shaken to its green core, Izgotcha could only manage a few words. “Oh, shhhhhh….” Before it exploded into a shower of bits and balls, as the explosion vaporised any ork with a 10 metre radius of the centre of the explosion into green and black pulps. Done chapter two and this is the last chapter, before i take a six week break! So enjoy and i have spell and grammar checked it, but i might have missed something. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2057280 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twin .44 Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 The ground was pounding with the weight of death and the air was blocked out by the stench of decay. I remember a while ago You wrote out a story and I told you I didn't finish reading it because i wasn't hooked right off the bat. All you needed was a line like this one, and you've got just about any reader ripped into your hands. There's really only two ways to write a story. start with the conflict right off the bat, or gradually hit the conflict over a period of time, keeping the reader interested and wondering "What's next?" You've really improved from where i remember. You gave me just enough of the Space Marines jumping in about to land and say "Sorry! But this is OUR HOUSE!" but cut it out at just the right time for me to be satisyed but dissapointed. in other words, pumping up for them to get in, then you go back to the sarge, who I am interested in as well at this point throwing a bag of grenades. I'm happy to see Neil, but "agitated" that the space marines haven't arrived yet. and when you go to the Space marines I'll think "Sweet! Space Marines! But what's Neil's next move?" That back and forth, done with the greatest of care and a good timing can really provide a reader with a reason to stay in the book. Well done, and I can barely wait to read more! But I've gotta read the Andromeda strain to deal with and keep me busy for now <_< Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2057440 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 i thought of it like that, well along the lines of ^^, i was gonna go on with the marine talking for about another line. Then thought, a <_< it. People wanna read a story not an essay into how to make poems ^^. that was some encouragement mate. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2057461 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twin .44 Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 No problem. the prayer was getting a little dragged out but you stopped it just in time. if anything one less line, that's about all. fine as it is though. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2057472 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 i have a weapon that will make you burst with anticipation though ^^. *does pyramid of evil with fingers* MWHAHAHA. Points a menacing finger at Twin.44, you have to wait for atleast 7 weeks for the next chapter ! "Go on say it! say it!" *waits eagerly for the anticipated wailing of noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. :). thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2057482 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twin .44 Posted July 22, 2009 Share Posted July 22, 2009 "Go on say it! say it!" *waits eagerly for the anticipated wailing of noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. :).thanks antique_nova Meh, it's alright. :) Also, over lunch I thought about the story a little bit, and I have one major suggestion. Do not kill off Neil. as of this point, people are most likely starting to get a feel for this guy. right off the bat I can tell he's battle hardened with loads of experience fighting these things. Don't kill him too soon if you are going to, right now he's the one most concentrated on as a character by the reader. we don't know anyone else in this yet, so stick with him. kinda like fifteen hours. the guy died, and I didn't care anymore to read the following books. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2057516 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted July 23, 2009 Author Share Posted July 23, 2009 I never thought about it for a second, but now you mention it....... ^^.lol jokes Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2058276 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt Rafen Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Second chapter delivers ;) By all means continue nova! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2075340 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 I am back and ready to spin heads once more <_< SNEAK PEEK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I have only just started his chapter, but this is again like chapter two a taster of the rest of the chapter that i am doing now. Chapter Three: Not a hundred metres away, Crosseyezd had his enlarged rocket in the general direction of the grey figure that seemed to be hurling a brown bag. Only to see his leader burst into flames and the opportunity to kill the enemy leader and take the fat nob'z horde. "Err we go, oy Sneaky go to dat grey bit stickin out of the ground der, yea right der" The next thing Sneaky knew ,was that what he had stepped on was more than just a grey bit sticking out of the ground. They 'grey bit' was a Mordian MkV Spray Mine, more commonly known to the soldiers of the imperium as a git finder, due to its trademark warning. A shiny edge that sticks up above the ground. Fortunately enough for the Imperium, the orks were attracted to these shiny bits as much as eagles were likely to seize on lonely rodents. Given the chance that they would spot it. In an instance a shocked Crosseyezd became more confused by the minute, as Sneaky was then riddled with holes the size of his fist as a large figure poured into the scene pouring shot after shot into the ranks of the orks as the line of men defending the ditch continued to look even more frighteningly thin. While Sergeant Neil realised at what he had just witnessed, he received a transmission not a second after. “Ello ello, did someone call for a Leman Russ?” The voice sounded familiar, but it carried a distinctive huffing and puffing pattern to it, with the thumbing of the engines in the background. “Bob! You fat ........ why are you here and how did you get here? However, realization daunted on him as he heard the next few words. “The name’s Vince, we came to relieve you tight boys from this mud pit!” Tight boys was another one of the many other forms of words, usually unheard of, used to describe anyone who fought in a contested zone for too long. “Roger that, Ogra get everyone back now and hunker down, big mamma is on her way.” Grunting and the sound of bayonetes could be heard as the trooper responded. “Yes sarge, about time they brought something big and scary down here for once, fall back, fall back! code 5! CODE 5!” However, something distracts the trooper as he redirects the men to the last line of barricades. "Oy, i said fall back not fall dea..m.m.m.ma.ma.marines! EDIT: Does that flow better now? thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2104502 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 There's an orky feel to these Guardsmen for some odd reason lol. Now where are the Marines, dear writer? Surely they've made contact and begun a nice advance into ork lines. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2104557 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 ow there just right after those last few lines ^^. lol, i want them to come in beardy, gloriously and with style, without the ultra bling though ^^. EDIT: now what gave you that idea :P and you should know by now, that marines only join large parties, so i might as well throw in the orks and some proper guard before the marines go house calling. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2104561 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 Well it's always handy to actually have them there instead of focusing on these Guardsmen so much. YOu're lucky you actually mentioned them otherwise this thread would be burning slowly by now from lack of PA :P Either way, I want to see glorious killing of orks by Mariney hands in any new Chapters from now on :P Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2104564 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 ook i just gave you the next few lines, does that satisfy you now? ^^ Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2104572 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 It'll suffice :P Make sure to expand on it. If you can show a good alliance with the Guardsmen and Marines as well as some good tactics from the battle to mash those greenskins, this story will be very good :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2104578 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 lol, that's the plan! I can't stop laughing at the way he sees the marines though! I wanted to make him glorified and dumbstuck but saying something like god emperor be praised, but that's just too common and i wanted something that everyone always overlooks. A guardsmen who's brains melts when he sees the marines lol. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2104584 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 I like it, although it feels like sandpaper at the moment, it should be like printing paper. Just try and smooth it out a bit, make it flow slightly more. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/172357-night-of-the-unending-darkness/#findComment-2104607 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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