antique_nova Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 just advanced warning, chapter 3 is almost finished, but due to school work. I will be hard-pressed to even complete another chapter. So just please be patient. This is what i have come up with so far, hoopefully you won't be dissapointed and i have just arrived at the part where the REAL marines arrive. Does the story flow properly? and have i spent too long on the story without marines? need lots and lots of C&C please! *chapter isn't finished yet, as it will be long chapters from now on!* RP = Rally Point Chapter Three: Not a hundred metres away, Crosseyezd had his enlarged rocket in the general direction of the grey figure that seemed to be hurling a brown bag. Only to see his leader burst into flames and the opportunity to kill the enemy leader and take the fat nob'z horde. "Err we go, oy Sneaky go to dat grey bit stickin out of the ground der, yea right der" The next thing Sneaky knew ,was that what he had stepped on was more than just a grey bit sticking out of the ground. They 'grey bit' was a Mordian MkV Spray Mine, more commonly known to the soldiers of the imperium as a git finder, due to its trademark warning. A shiny edge that sticks up above the ground. Fortunately enough for the Imperium, the orks were attracted to these shiny bits as much as eagles were likely to seize on lonely rodents. Given the chance that they would spot it. In an instance a shocked Crosseyezd became more confused by the minute, as Sneaky was then riddled with holes the size of his fist as a large figure poured into the scene pouring shot after shot into the ranks of the orks as the line of men defending the ditch continued to look even more frighteningly thin. While Sergeant Neil realised at what he had just witnessed, he received a transmission not a second after. “Ello ello, did someone call for a Leman Russ?” The voice sounded familiar, but it carried a distinctive huffing and puffing pattern to it, with the thumbing of the engines in the background. “Bob! You fat ........ why are you here and how did you get here? However, realization daunted on him as he heard the next few words. “The name’s Vince, we came to relieve you tight boys from this mud pit!” Tight boys was another one of the many other forms of words, usually unheard of, used to describe anyone who fought in a contested zone for too long. “Roger that, Ogra get everyone back now and hunker down, big mamma is on her way.” Grunting and the sound of bayonetes could be heard as the trooper responded. “Yes sarge, about time they brought something big and scary down here for once, fall back, fall back! code 5! CODE 5!” However, something distracts the trooper as he redirects the men to the last line of barricades. "Oy, I said fall back not fall dea..m.m.m.ma.ma.marines! The soldier's jaw dropped at the sight of the large black marines, who were more frightening to look at, as they gauged their way through the Ork ranks in a sea of flame, that didn't seem to affect them in the slightest, but caused unimaginable panic for the Orks. Whos’ fungus like skin disappeared between the flames of heaven and the angels of death. There was one thing that the trooper noticed that wasn’t though. These men all wore helmets, with no indication of a leader not even extra medals or markings and the fact that they fought in silence, this could be ignored as they all had helmets, but the rest could not. On the other hand, what set Ogra apart from the others, was that he had more sense than to just stand and stare. Knowing that if he failed to heed his sergeants demands than he would be better off being the orks, so he ran, ran as fast as he possibly could. "Hey Rog!, now is not a good time to be jamming the gun, damn you just fire it! " said Vince, while leaning extra stress on the word 'now' Smoke billowed out from the Leman Russ's cannon as it launched its 40 inch shell into the masses of the orks. Running with all the energy that he had left, trooper Ogra sweating as he was, still found the energy and the will to carry on towards his RP despite the tide of Orks on his back and despite the fact that he was running from the kill-zone created by the russ. Ran and ran he did, but where there was once a trooper, stood ground and nothing more. Onboard the ship, Angel’s Fury, something not quite right had come to the attention of the radars on board. “Unconfirmed forces in the area, wearing the image of the emperor’s chosen.” Spoke the servitor at the radar station. “Zoom in at location and centre them in at 90%, freeze frame” Called the stern voice. “Location zoomed, centered at 90%, freeze frame. Chapter unknown.” The stern voice moved closer towards the screen, trying to figure what he was seeing, but all he could see was black armoured marines, with flames on their pads and skulls as there emblems. Not even a sign of the imperial eagle was visible on their armour, yet there was something strangely Imperial about them. “Send a transmission to the captain, notify him of the unknown and place the ship on full alert”. On the ground, things were different, much different. As the ground was seeded with pods. The enemies fate was sealed. Once the angels of death arrived, only heaven lingered close to them. That was what happened whenever the enemies of the Imperium experienced the storm of death. As Captian Adonis Lucius stormed into the ranks of the orks and his brothers swept away the Orks. thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 any comments at all? i know that i've lefted it for atleast 3 days, maybe i am asking for too much and not allowing people enough time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twin .44 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Well, you kept me hooked, thats for sure! The Russ and the space marines showing up at the same time? holy crap that made this all too much fun! but I have to say, you're dragging the space marines on with the suspense! it will snap and eventually someone may not care, so next thing you need to do is focus on the marines for a bit. otherwise, well played sir! aside from a bit of smoothing out you're good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Well, you kept me hooked, thats for sure! The Russ and the space marines showing up at the same time? holy crap that made this all too much fun! but I have to say, you're dragging the space marines on with the suspense! it will snap and eventually someone may not care, so next thing you need to do is focus on the marines for a bit. otherwise, well played sir! aside from a bit of smoothing out you're good. RUSS?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 yes there was a russ, not the leman russ, but a russ. I also said that these weren't the real marines! lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sons of Horus Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 you kept me reading that's for sure ;) it's pretty nice overall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 aaa i decided that the last post was chapter 3 now. onto chapter four! sneak peak: Chapter Four: "Squad Tonis, secure the guards left flank, scout squad Dacius and Dakka secure the jungle to the left flank as well, i don't want any infiltrators or any surprises from that jungle" Spoken with the voice of a thousand commandments and a thousand memories as he resumed the thinking of one tactic out of thousands. The squad indicators blinked green to signal that all the squads heard his orders. However, another signal caught his attention. "Brother captain Adonis Lucius here, report" spoke the captain urgently, as there were only too many seconds that he could delay himself from the battle ahead. "We have unknown forces wearing the image of the emperor's angels" steady in his voice, but interests were second concerns when there were more urgent matters to attend to. "Roger that brother Tellos, keep me updated on this as your no.1 priority" Interest all but blocked out in his voice. The signal blinked green once more and the battle ensued. "Statis report" Called the captain. "All squads in position and in the process of completing objectives and there is a increased disturbance near the front ranks of the xenos" replied the veteran. "Gather the command squad and ignite code " Cold Rays ", code rays was only ever used against any unexpected threat that was more dangerous than an average marine could handle. Within the Ork ranks, something big was moving, green was everywhere and in the air; on the floor and in the floor as Nobz Piszoff thumped his men and floored them to get them to turn around and face the new threat. "Oy you liddle mangy gitz, da beaky boyz are erez an youz don't wanna miss out on diz fight. Now turnz arounz an getz goingz!" No sooner had the nob finished his gibbering, he was blown to bits by a missle. "Scout squad Dacius reporting, objective complete" Whispered scout Helios with a hint of satisfaction, for without a leader the orks would be no more dangerous than a lunch brall if confusion was sowed upon them. "Copy that Dacius, squad Tonis move up on their flank and unleash hell. Marines Continues later Hope it works to bring in the marines for the 4th chapter! much gore and butchering will be promised with a twist and a shock! thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Nice, smoother than the other stories. (Sorry, but if you want honesty...:) ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sgt Rafen Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Ooooooh a shock AND a twist?!?!?! This is to much nova! :P Hurry and hooray some one included Legion of the Damned :devil: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 Nice, smoother than the other stories. (Sorry, but if you want honesty...:D ) lol, but the others were smooth enough, the 3rd chapter was the roughest. lol finally someone spotted the legion of the damned! after i finish the 4th chapter, ill re-post the all the chapters together. EDIT; i have to deal with critism and i feel that i have developed a much thicker skin to absorb such comments than i did a year ago ^^. *get others to read and comment!* thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 "Squad Tonis, secure the guards left flank, scout squad Dacius and Dakka secure the jungle to the left flank as well, i don't want any infiltrators or any surprises from that jungle" Spoken with the voice of a thousand commandments and a thousand memories as he resumed the thinking of one tactic out of thousands. The squad indicators blinked green to signal that all the squads heard his orders. However, another signal caught his attention. "Brother captain Adonis Lucius here, report" spoke the captain urgently, as there were only too many seconds that he could delay himself from the battle ahead. "We have unknown forces wearing the image of the emperor's angels" steady in his voice, but interests were second concerns when there were more urgent matters to attend to. "Roger that brother Tellos, keep me updated on this as your no.1 priority" Interest all but blocked out in his voice. The signal blinked green once more and the battle ensued. "Statis report" Called the captain. "All squads in position and in the process of completing objectives and there is a increased disturbance near the front ranks of the xenos" replied the veteran. "Gather the command squad and ignite code " Cold Rays ", code rays was only ever used against any unexpected threat that was more dangerous than an average marine could handle. Within the Ork ranks, something big was moving, green was everywhere and in the air; on the floor and in the floor as Nobz Piszoff thumped his men and floored them to get them to turn around and face the new threat. "Oy you liddle mangy gitz, da beaky boyz are erez an youz don't wanna miss out on diz fight. Now turnz arounz an getz goingz!" No sooner had the nob finished his gibbering, he was blown to bits by a missle. "Scout squad Dacius reporting, objective complete" Whispered scout Helios with a hint of satisfaction, for without a leader the orks would be no more dangerous than a lunch brawl if confusion was sowed upon them. "Copy that Dacius, squad Tonis move up on their flank and unleash hell.” Eagerness was slightly creeping through his voice. Then as he turn to face his men behind him. “Men, marines and more, today we shall cleanse this planet of walking *fungus* and today we shall make history!” Eying each marine as he spoke, proud of the spirit he awakened within his warriors and proud of the actions that they would evoke on this righteous today. Raising his weapon as he did he cried out, “TO WAR!”, followed by the response from his men as they shouted back the same words in a defining war cry and charged towards the green tide. Sergeant Tuck, who heard the war cry could not resist the temptation to look over his shoulders as his men held the Orks and died amongst the Orks. What was once a hill behind him was now a line of human giants, clad in armour they were; wielding large weapons they were and unimaginably fearsome they looked. “Boys, the marine boys are here now. Fall back, fall back! And give the big boys some room!” Exhausted as the guardsmen were, they gladly obeyed such an order and ran towards the russ as it continuously poured shell after shell into the tide of green. The Orks, realising that the guardsmen were running, felt a sudden surge of joy at seeing their foe run and more arriving to join the fight. Such was the stupidity of Orks as they focused on only one thing at a time. The additional foe, were big much bigger than their previous foe, and they charged in a war cry which the Orks gladly replied in fashion with their own, waaagh. Little did they know that they would soon be in pieces, as a sea of flame suddenly took them and fear suddenly engulfed them as chainswords tore into them. The ground below on the other hand, was less exciting than the battle above as trooper Ogra picked himself. "What th...." Fear took him by surprise as green eyes suddenly beamed him and darkness overcame him. CHAPTER FOUR IS COMPLETE! HOPE YOU LIKE IT! thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 Double posting, to create the whole story for all to see. Chapter One - Midnight Approaches The ground was pounding with the weight of death and the air was blocked out by the stench of decay. “INCOMING…….ge” The figure grabs his helmet and belly flops towards the ground, cursing as he did at the lack of fire support and the fact that he danced with death once more. Fortunately, his fellow comrades had sensed it too and they too had dived for cover Slowly standing up and recovering from his filthy; mud covered uniform, Storm trooper sergeant Niel of the 13th brass brazen company looked like a man who had seen death a dozen times and many more. His leggings were torn from the knee down, exposing deep angry red scars from the shrapnel had caught him from previous fire fights, his shirt covered with perspiration, exhaustion reaching its peak and recent helpings of slime, ash and dirt had all taken their toll upon the sergeant for the past hour, who equally thought of it as life at its finest. Clearing his head, he looks through a hole in the sniper position noticing the ugly, but brutal figures of the green scum. The Orks and crimson lights pouring into their ranks. He beckons his squad to move to the area that he had just located. Setting his vox range to 50 metres and then shouting into his vox. “Sergeant Niel speaking, identify your rank, squad number and currant situation!” The seconds pass as more screams can be heard from dying men before him, as the continuing noise that erupted from the crude guns of the orks made the communications like this next to impossible. A buzz erupts from the sergeant’s vox “Sergeant Tuck, Platoon 240, Squad two-four here, we are barely holding the green scum back, we require assistance, repeat we require assistance." “Don’t worry sergeant, squad 12S are on our way” responds Niel. 12S was one of the 24 squads of storm troopers assigned to defend this strategic asset. “The glory boys are here are they? You’d better hurry up or there will be nothing left of us” Not hearing the last few words, Sergeant Niel knows he cannot do much for squad two-four, who are only 50 metres away, but he can try and try he damn well will. “Concentrate fire on one ork at a time, damn you trooper, I said concentrate not evaluate! Medic, where is the medic we have casualties here and where the hell are those shiny boys?” Those were all words that sergeant Tuck could manage, before he noticed that the skies were turning hairy with black spots and wings. “Damn the orks, they have air support” Turning to look at the rest of his squad, knowing they were eager for this fight to end, and knowing that they were tired, weary and afraid, could not stop the orks from reaching them before reinforcements could arrive in time. Sergeant Tuck gives one last prayer to the emperor as he whips out two bolt pistols, the pistols that were given to him on the day of his promotion and bellows one last order in the mist of death. “Men, you have fought against this endless tide and you have fought with honour. Now is the time to finish this fight, for the emperor and for the Imperium, charge and frag them back to whatever hell hole they came from!” With that order, Sergeant Tuck and the twenty guardsmen that are left in his squad, pull out their grenades and throw them into the green crowd. While charging into the horde, firing and swearing to their hearts contempt, knowing full well that it is better to die with madness than to die with fear. Upon a hill not 10 metres away, squad 12S arrive only to find that the squad that they were to reinforce had just charged into the horde, noticing such bravery, they begin to charge, but not before they notice something odd. Trooper Bacon shouts to his sergeant and points towards the black dot heading straight towards them. Looking up, Sergeant Niel’s stomach turns and his mind races. “Sweat Emperor, is that what I think it is?” His mouth agape, more pinpricks started to appear right behind the black dot that was heading for them. In thirteen years of fighting in service to the Emperor. The sergeant had never seen such a sight A sight he would never forget Nor see again. He had heard legends about them, armoured knights that dropped from the skies, onto the hated enemies of the Imperium spitting death to their foes and bringing hope their allies. This seem only all too true, as the sergeant regained his senses, smiled, then charged into the green horde, knowing that they would soon be joined by the emperor’s finest. The space marines! Chapter two: Daylight Arises The random thumps and the constant humming of the drop pod's coolant fans were drowned out with the prayers of the men inside them. Sergeant: "With the fires of war, shall we bring destruction to those that oppose us" Rest of the squad: "To the shadows we bring light" (Bolters are switched off safe mode) Sergeant:"With the purity of faith, shall we enlighten those who listen" "To those who choose not, we purify such taint" (Headlights are switched on) Sergeant:"With steal and iron, shall we forge our bodies from death and decay" "Least we perish in our holy duty" (Right hand is saluted to the left chest with a fist) Sergeant:"With the will of the mind, shall we construct our course" "Least we are driven from our righteous path" (Right hand is placed flat on forehead, then moves to the left chest in a fist) Sergeant:"With the leader of mankind upon us, shall we triumph" "We shall not fail, not now, not ever" (Entire squad kneels down on left knee and places left hand onto the floor in a fist and bolter tip rests on the floor, acting at the other hand) Entire squad: "To war we prosper as we came, we saw, we conquered" (Squad rises as one, sets bolter to full-auto, turns around to face outside pod and stamps lightly onto the floor twice, signalling the end of the prayer ) As the rattling continued within the drop pod, the lights within the pod rapidly blinked with shades of red, signalling the last few hundred meters as the marines braced for landing. Outside the pod however, events were even tenser. “Sarge! What do you want us to do?” “As always trooper, take the glory with guns and bubblegum.” Bubblegum was the term referred to the men of the company of storm troopers as fight to the death, in other words holding the ground for reinforcements and not yielding an inch of ground to the enemy willingly, as death was as common to the Imperial Guard as the number of munitions that were provided to them. The trooper acknowledged his leader’s words as if he has heard them a hundred times and one more. “Yes sarge, but don’t we want to spoil the big boy’s fun? After all we’re not the ones who will be in the glory talk later, not with them marines around.” “Point taken, now why you lot standing here like guardsmen on parade ground, get stuck in, we’re not going to win this war by just standing and shouting all day are we?!” “No sarge!” Shouted trooper Ogra as he smiled at the sergeant’s comment and ran at the tide of orks with a gun in hand and his companions on his back. “Time to clear this cesspit, before the big boys take all the fun” The sergeant reaches into one of his many pocket pouches, pulls out a timer and frowns at the rucksack in front of him. “Smart man, that kid is” referring to trooper Ogra, with a grin.” Then suddenly, hearing a roar in the distant and looking up to see a rather large ork charging through his own mob, shoving and thumping his own men just to get through to his enemy. Sergeant Neil sets his timer to 20 seconds, stuffs it into the rucksack and hurls it into the direction of the large ork. “Let’s see how loud you cry after this payload.” Amongst the green tide that was charging into the thin line of guardsmen was a large ork by the name of Nob Izgotcha. “Oy youz der, getz oudda my way or iz croke ya. WAAAG….” Suddenly hit by a heavy bag, Izgotcha swears and picks up the bag to see what was in it. What ork nob Izgotcha didn’t know was that the bag was fully loaded with frag grenades and a timer. Shocked and shaken to its green core, Izgotcha could only manage a few words. “Oh, shhhhhh….” Before it exploded into a shower of bits and balls, as the explosion vaporised any ork with a 10 metre radius of the centre of the explosion into green and black pulps. Chapter Three: Friendly Meetings Not a hundred metres away, Crosseyezd had his enlarged rocket in the general direction of the grey figure that seemed to be hurling a brown bag. Only to see his leader burst into flames and the opportunity to kill the enemy leader and take the fat nob'z horde. "Err we go, oy Sneaky go to dat grey bit stickin out of the ground der, yea right der" The next thing Sneaky knew ,was that what he had stepped on was more than just a grey bit sticking out of the ground. They 'grey bit' was a Mordian MkV Spray Mine, more commonly known to the soldiers of the imperium as a git finder, due to its trademark warning. A shiny edge that sticks up above the ground. Fortunately enough for the Imperium, the orks were attracted to these shiny bits as much as eagles were likely to seize on lonely rodents. Given the chance that they would spot it. In an instance a shocked Crosseyezd became more confused by the minute, as Sneaky was then riddled with holes the size of his fist as a large figure poured into the scene pouring shot after shot into the ranks of the orks as the line of men defending the ditch continued to look even more frighteningly thin. While Sergeant Neil realised at what he had just witnessed, he received a transmission not a second after. “Ello ello, did someone call for a Leman Russ?” The voice sounded familiar, but it carried a distinctive huffing and puffing pattern to it, with the thumbing of the engines in the background. “Bob! You fat bastard, why are you here and how did you get here? However, realization daunted on him as he heard the next few words. “The name’s Vince, we came to relieve you tight boys from this mud pit!” Tight boys was another one of the many other forms of words, usually unheard of, used to describe anyone who fought in a contested zone for too long. “Roger that, Ogra get everyone back now and hunker down, big mamma is on her way.” Grunting and the sound of bayonetes could be heard as the trooper responded. “Yes sarge, about time they brought something big and scary down here for once, fall back, fall back! code 5! CODE 5!” However, something distracts the trooper as he redirects the men to the last line of barricades. "Oy, I said fall back not fall dea..m.m.m.ma.ma.marines! The soldier's jaw dropped at the sight of the large black marines, who were more frightening to look at, as they gauged their way through the Ork ranks in a sea of flame, that didn't seem to affect them in the slightest, but caused unimaginable panic for the Orks. Whos’ fungus like skin disappeared between the flames of heaven and the angels of death. There was one thing that the trooper noticed that wasn’t though. These men all wore helmets, with no indication of a leader not even extra medals or markings and the fact that they fought in silence, this could be ignored as they all had helmets, but the rest could not. On the other hand, what set Ogra apart from the others, was that he had more sense than to just stand and stare. Knowing that if he failed to heed his sergeants demands than he would be better off being the orks, so he ran, ran as fast as he possibly could. "Hey Rog!, now is not a good time to be jamming the gun, damn you just fire it! " said Vince, while leaning extra stress on the word 'now' Smoke billowed out from the Leman Russ's cannon as it launched its 40 inch shell into the masses of the orks. Running with all the energy that he had left, trooper Ogra sweating as he was, still found the energy and the will to carry on towards his RP despite the tide of Orks on his back and despite the fact that he was running from the kill-zone created by the russ. Ran and ran he did, but where there was once a trooper, stood ground and nothing more. Onboard the ship, Angel’s Fury, something not quite right had come to the attention of the radars on board. “Unconfirmed forces in the area, wearing the image of the emperor’s chosen.” Spoke the servitor at the radar station. “Zoom in at location and centre them in at 90%, freeze frame” Called the stern voice. “Location zoomed, centered at 90%, freeze frame. Chapter unknown.” The stern voice moved closer towards the screen, trying to figure what he was seeing, but all he could see was black armoured marines, with flames on their pads and skulls as there emblems. Not even a sign of the imperial eagle was visible on their armour, yet there was something strangely Imperial about them. “Send a transmission to the captain, notify him of the unknown and place the ship on full alert”. On the ground, things were different, much different. As the ground was seeded with pods. The enemies fate was sealed. Once the angels of death arrived, only heaven lingered close to them. That was what happened whenever the enemies of the Imperium experienced the storm of death. As Captian Adonis Lucius stormed into the ranks of the orks and his brothers swept away the Orks. Chapter Four: Mysteries Unraveling "Squad Tonis, secure the guards left flank, scout squad Dacius and Dakka secure the jungle to the left flank as well, i don't want any infiltrators or any surprises from that jungle" Spoken with the voice of a thousand commandments and a thousand memories as he resumed the thinking of one tactic out of thousands. The squad indicators blinked green to signal that all the squads heard his orders. However, another signal caught his attention. "Brother captain Adonis Lucius here, report" spoke the captain urgently, as there were only too many seconds that he could delay himself from the battle ahead. "We have unknown forces wearing the image of the emperor's angels" steady in his voice, but interests were second concerns when there were more urgent matters to attend to. "Roger that brother Tellos, keep me updated on this as your no.1 priority" Interest all but blocked out in his voice. The signal blinked green once more and the battle ensued. "Statis report" Called the captain. "All squads in position and in the process of completing objectives and there is a increased disturbance near the front ranks of the xenos" replied the veteran. "Gather the command squad and ignite code " Cold Rays ", code rays was only ever used against any unexpected threat that was more dangerous than an average marine could handle. Within the Ork ranks, something big was moving, green was everywhere and in the air; on the floor and in the floor as Nobz Piszoff thumped his men and floored them to get them to turn around and face the new threat. "Oy you liddle mangy gitz, da beaky boyz are erez an youz don't wanna miss out on diz fight. Now turnz arounz an getz goingz!" No sooner had the nob finished his gibbering, he was blown to bits by a missle. "Scout squad Dacius reporting, objective complete" Whispered scout Helios with a hint of satisfaction, for without a leader the orks would be no more dangerous than a lunch brawl if confusion was sowed upon them. "Copy that Dacius, squad Tonis move up on their flank and unleash hell.” Eagerness was slightly creeping through his voice. Then turned to face his men behind him. “Men, marines and more, today we shall cleanse this planet of walking *fungus* and today we shall make history!” Eying each marine as he spoke, proud of the spirit he awakened within his warriors and proud of the actions that they would evoke on this righteous today. Raising his weapon as he did he cried out, “TO WAR!”, followed by the response from his men as they shouted back the same words in a defining war cry and charged towards the green tide. Sergeant Tuck, who heard the war cry could not resist the temptation to look over his shoulders as his men held the Orks and died amongst the Orks. What was once a hill behind him was now a line of human giants, clad in armour they were; wielding large weapons they were and unimaginably fearsome they looked. “Boys, the marine are here now. Fall back, fall back! And give the guys some room!” Exhausted as the guardsmen were, they gladly obeyed such an order and ran towards the russ as it continuously poured shell after shell into the tide of green. The Orks, realising that the guardsmen were running, felt a sudden surge of joy at seeing their foe run and more arriving to join the fight. Such was the stupidity of Orks as they focused on only one thing at a time. The additional foe, were big much bigger than their previous foe and they charged in a war cry which the Orks gladly replied in fashion with their own, waaagh. Little did they know that they would soon be in pieces, as a sea of flames suddenly took them and fear suddenly engulfed them, as chainswords rapidly tore into them. The ground below on the other hand, was less exciting than the battle above as trooper Ogra picked himself up. "What th...." Fear took him by surprise as green eyes suddenly beamed him and darkness overcame him. EDIT: Eagerly awaits twin's comment ^^. hoping from one foot to another! thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twin .44 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 well played sir, well played! LotD eh? don't hear of them too often in the stories, so I am much more eager to hear additional chapters! Additional note, try not to use the same word too many times in a sentence. it gets quite redundant after a while and also annoying. just a heads up, you don't do it often, but it rears its ugly head here and there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 just saw it when you mentioned it, it's been tweaked, is there anywhere else that you have spooted with too many of the same words in the same sentence? thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Green eyes? Darkness? A DOUBLE POST? What is going on? :o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 lol.. i need that suspense from the green yes. hopefully someone will notice, what those green eyes really are, but please if you do. don't blurt it out. just pm me and i think skirax was trying to joke ^^. lol get back to your story trying *whips skirax* lol. :o thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 No whipping Skirax. His genius must be preserved not exploited! :P Onto your stroy nova. It's not bad, finally the Marines arrive. And Legion fo the Damned too, interesting. Hopefully you'll remember that they leave when the fight is won. THough personally I though you could've snuck them in later on rather than now, considering they turn up when at the very last minute supposedly. Not bad, carry on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minigun762 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Pretty good story I say. I agree with Twin. 44 about the word choice, but its fairly minor. Otherwise you might want to touch up the dialogue bits, make it more clear when someone is talking vs narration. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The emperors chosen Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 I like it, it flows very well, and you managed to do orks not comedically, an idea I had for the marines in ch2 was to set them in a Thunderhawk, its big enough, and you can move around. I also like the LOTD twist, and the ending of the last chapter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lysimachus Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 hey nova, sorry not looked in at this sooner! all in all I think it's a very good start. It flows very quickly, lots of action, which is always a good thing! a few little points with the writing though: 1)in a few places, your tenses seem a little off, e.g. The figure grabs his helmet and belly flops towards the ground, cursing as he did at the lack of fire support and the fact that he danced with death once more. Fortunately, his fellow comrades had sensed it too and they too had dived for cover Slowly standing up and recovering from his filthy; mud covered uniform, Storm trooper sergeant Niel of the 13th brass brazen company looked like a man who had seen death a dozen times and many more. His leggings were torn from the knee down, exposing deep angry red scars from the shrapnel had caught him from previous fire fights, his shirt covered with perspiration, exhaustion reaching its peak and recent helpings of slime, ash and dirt had all taken their toll upon the sergeant for the past hour, who equally thought of it as life at its finest. Clearing his head, he looks through a hole in the sniper position noticing the ugly, but brutal figures of the green scum. The Orks and crimson lights pouring into their ranks. It might be better if you tried to go through it and do it either one way or the other? e.g. 'The figure grabbed his helmet', 'Clearing his head, he looked through...' and so on. It can work to write the other way, but to be honest you have to be really good to pull it off. I certainly don't think i'm good enough to do it so I stick to the more traditional style. Hope that makes some sort of sense? :lol: 2) There are a few issues with spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. It's the boring stuff but it makes a piece much easier to read. Are you writing it in Word (or something like it) and copy+pasting onto the B+C posts, as the Word program can help a lot with these things? As to the story itself, I like it! My one thought for possible changes would be to introduce the regular Space Marines first, then get them into trouble and bring in the LofD. In fluff terms, seeing the legion is unbelievably rare and strange, even for Astartes, and they usually only turn up when things have got really, really bad for the Imperium. Perhaps you could build up to something a bit more climactic, and then have them come in to save the day? anyway, very good start, hope that's helped in some way! cheers Lysimachus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 yea i do get it, and you made it flow better :D as for the LoTD that everyone's talking about, how do you know that they weren't here to stop something big that was about to happen? As everyone says, LoTD only come in when the circumstances are at their most dire, and danger is never straight forward. FINALLY, there is a very very big twist with the LoTD ^^. for now, i will need atleast a week to get the plot right and rewrite as i haven't even started the chapter yet! (i'll be grammar checking the chapters, cos this is going start to the authors!) ( if anyone is going to uk gamesday, can we arrange to meet? knowing what each of us will look like and wear, i'd like to meet you guys if your going :P ) so hold onto your seats and please remember to check every week or month.... :P hehe, soo goofy here lol. EDIT: i put the has and looks to make it as present tense as possible, but it never works with books lol. CHAPTER ONE & TWO & THREE REWORDED AND CORRECTED AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Chapter One - Midnight Approaches The ground was pounding with the weight of death and the air was blocked out by the stench of decay. “INCOMING! GE….” The figure grabbed his helmet and belly flops towards the ground, cursing as he did at the lack of fire support and the fact that he danced with death once more. Fortunately, his fellow comrades had sensed it too and they too had dived for cover. Slowly standing up and recovering from his filthy mud covered uniform, Storm trooper Sergeant Neil of the 13th brass brazen company looked like a man who had seen death a dozen times and many more. His leggings were torn from the knee down, exposing angry red scars from the shrapnel that had caught him from previous fire fights. His shirt was covered with perspiration, exhaustion was reaching its peak, plus recent helpings of slime, ash and dirt had all taken their toll upon the sergeant for the past hour, who equally thought of it as life at its finest. Clearing his head, he looked through a hole in the sniper position noticing the ugly, but brutal figures of the green scum. The Orks, and the crimson lights that poured into their ranks, with flashes of white. It was almost like fireworks. He beckoned his squad to move up to the area that he had just located. Setting his vox, range, to 50 metres within the range of the squad he spotted, “Sergeant Neil speaking identify your rank, squad number and situation!” Shouting into it with an air of urgency. The seconds pass as more screams can be heard from dying men before him, as the continuing noise that erupted from the crude guns of the Orks made the communications like this next to impossible. A buzz erupted from the sergeant’s vox, “Sergeant Tuck here, Platoon 240, Squad two-four here. We’re barely holding the green scum back, we require assistance, repeat we require assistance." Exaggerated breathes could be heard in between his words as he spoke. “Don’t worry sergeant, squad 12S are on our way.” Responded Neil. 12S was one of the 24 squads of storm troopers assigned to defend this strategic asset, Rennoc city. “The glory boys are here are they? Well you’d better hurry up or there will be nothing left of us to look for.” Not hearing the last few words, Sergeant Neil knew he could not do much for squad two-four, who were only 50 metres away, but he would try and try he damn well will. “Concentrate fire on one Ork at a time! Damn you trooper, I said concentrate not evaluate! Medic! Medic! Where is the medic when have casualties here and there. Where the hell are those shiny boys?” Those were all words that Sergeant Tuck could manage, before he noticed that the skies were turning hairy with black dots and black wings. “Damn the Orks, they have air support!” Turning to look at the rest of his squad knowing they were eager for this fight to end and knowing that they were tired, weary and afraid, could not stop the Orks from reaching them before reinforcements could arrive in time. Such was the life of an Imperial guardsman, but so was the expectation from all guardsmen. That to die afraid was to die without glory and glory was what every man aspired to achieve, even in the direst of circumstances. Sergeant Tuck gave one last prayer to the emperor as he whipped out two bolt pistols, the pistols that were given to him on the day of his promotion, and bellowed out one last order in the mist of death. “Men, you have fought against this endless tide and you have fought with honour! Now is the time to finish this fight, for the emperor and for the Imperium, charge and frag them back to whatever hell hole they came from!” Such were the words of the faithful, but such were the words of dead men who looked for peace within chaos and calamity. With that order, Sergeant Tuck and the twenty guardsmen that are left in his squad, pulled out their grenades and threw them into the green crowd. While charging into the horde firing and swearing to their hearts contempt, knowing full well that it is better to die with madness than to die with fear. Upon a hill not 10 metres away, squad 12S arrive only to find that the squad that they were to reinforce had just charged into the horde. Noticing such bravery, they begin to charge, but not before they notice something odd. Trooper Bacon shouts to his sergeant and points out towards the black dot heading straight towards them. Looking up, Sergeant Neil’s stomach twists and turns as his mind races, “Sweat Emperor, is that what I think it is?” His mouth agape, as more pinpricks started to appear behind the black dot that was heading for them. In thirteen years of fighting in service to the Emperor. The sergeant had never seen such a sight A sight he would never forget Nor see again. For he had heard legends about them, armoured knights who dropped from the skies, plowing into the hated enemies of the Imperium spitting death to their foes and bringing hope to their allies. This seem only all too true, but as the sergeant regained his senses not a moment before his men, smiled, then charged into the green horde, knowing that they would soon be joined by the emperor’s finest. The space marines! Chapter two: Daylight Arises The random thumps and the constant humming of the drop pod's coolant fans were drowned out with the prayers of the men inside them. "With the fires of war, shall we bring destruction to those that oppose us." Spoke the sergeant calmly "To the shadows we bring light." Replied the squad, before they switched their bolters off safe mode. Sergeant: "With the purity of faith, shall we enlighten those who listen." Spoke the sergeant, his voiced hightened. "To those who choose not, we purify such taint." Replied the squad, before they turned on their headlights. "With steal and iron, shall we forge our bodies from death and decay." Spoke the sergeant, with an iron grip in his voice, as it steadily rose in pride. "Least we perish in our holy duty." Replied the squad once more in a enthusiatic response, beofre they saluted their chests with their right fists. "With the will of the mind, shall we construct our course." Spoken in a calmer voice by the sergeant. "Least we are driven from our righteous path." Dutifully replied in a roar like response, before their right hand is moved to their right hip. "With the leader of mankind upon us, shall we triumph." Replied the sergeant in a louder voice. "We shall not fail, not now, not ever!" Chorused the entire squad as tempos rised and blood boiled. As they placed their right hand on the handle grip of the bolter and left hand under the grip of the bolter, then poitned it upwards. "To war we prosper as we came, we saw, we conquered!" Shouted the squad once more as each member fired once, a blank, reloaded, setted their bolters to full-auto and then placed bolters in the chest rest position and stamped lighting onto the floor twice, signalling the end of the prayer. As the rattling continued within the drop pod, the lights within the pod rapidly blinked with shades of red, signalling the last few hundred meters as the marines braced for landing. Outside the pod however, events were even tenser. “Sarge! What do you want us to do?” Asked trooper Ogra. “As always trooper, take the glory with guns and bubblegum.” Replied the sergeant. Bubblegum was the term referred to the men of the company of storm troopers as fight to the death. In other words, holding the ground for reinforcements and not yielding an inch of ground to the enemy willingly as death was as common to the Imperial Guard as the number of munitions that were provided to them. The trooper acknowledged his leader’s words as if he has heard them a hundred times and once more. “Yes Sarge, but don’t we want to spoil the big boy’s fun? After all we’re not the ones who will be in the glory talk later, not with them marines around!” Such glory hogging talk would only to Ogra’s death if he was not careful enough. “Point taken, now why you lot standing here like guardsmen on parade ground, get stuck in, we’re not going to win this war by just standing and shouting all day are we?!” Shouted the sergeant as his men eyed him childishly with grins evident on there faces. “No Sarge!” Shouted trooper Ogra as he smiled at his sergeant’s comment and ran at the tide of Orks with a gun in hand and his companions on his back. “Time to clear this cesspit, before the big boys take all the fun” The sergeant reaches into one of his many pocket pouches, pulls out a timer and frowns at the rucksack in front of him. “Smart man, that kid is.” Quietly referring to trooper Ogra, with a grin, as it wouldn’t do much good to the kid if he became too cocky. Then suddenly, hearing a roar in the distant and looking up to see a rather large Ork charging through his own mob shoving and thumping his own kind just to get through to his enemy. Judging his distance from the Ork, Sergeant Neil sets his timer to 20 seconds, stuffs it into the rucksack and hurls it into the direction of the squabbling Ork. “Let’s see how loud you cry after this payload.” Spoke the Sergeant as he watched the events unfold, with a pistol in one hand and a chainsword in the other. Amongst the green tide that was charging into the thin line of guardsmen was a large Ork by the name of Nob Izgotcha. “Oy youz der, getz oudda my way or iz croke ya! WAAAG….” Waving his large axe as he did. Suddenly hit by a heavy bag, Izgotcha swears and picks up the bag to see what was in it. What Izgotcha didn’t know was that the bag was fully loaded with frag grenades and a timer. Shocked and shaken to its green core, Izgotcha could only manage a few words. “Oh, shhhhhh….” Before it exploded into a shower of bits and balls, as the explosion vaporised any Ork with a 10 metre radius of the centre of the explosion into green and black squishy pulps and a very big crater. Chapter Three: Friendly Meetings Not a hundred metres away, Crosseyezd had his enlarged rocket in the general direction of the grey figure that seemed to be hurling a brown bag. Only to see his leader burst into flames and the opportunity to kill the enemy leader and take the fat Nob’s horde. "Err we go, oy Sneaky go to dat grey bit stickin out of the ground der, yea right der." Pleasure all to evident in his, Crosseyezd's, voice as he prepared for an event of mayhem to come, but not as he had planned. The next thing Sneaky knew was that what he had stepped on was more than just a grey bit sticking out of the ground. That 'grey bit' was a Mordian MkV Spray Mine, more commonly known to the soldiers of the Imperium as a git finder, due to its trademark warning. The shiny edge that stuck up above the ground. Fortunately enough for the Imperium, the Orks were attracted to these shiny bits as much as eagles were likely to seize on lonely rodents. Given the chance that they would spot it. In an instance, a shocked Crosseyezd became more confused by the minute as Sneaky was then riddled with holes the size of his fist, as a large figure poured into the scene pouring shot after shot into the ranks of the Orks as the line of men defending the ditch continued to look thinner and thinner by the second. While Sergeant Neil realised at what he had just witnessed, he received a transmission not a second after. “Ello ello, did someone call for a Leman Russ?” Spoke a rough and pleased voice. The voice sounded familiar, but it carried a distinctive huffing and puffing pattern to it with the thumbing of the engines in the background. “Bob! You fat bastard, why are you here and how did you get here? Responsed the sergeant in surprise. However, realization daunted on him as he heard the next few words. “The name’s Vince, we came to relieve you tight boys from this mud pit!” Replied Vince as he amused himself with the title of fat bastard. Tight boys was another one of the many other forms of words, usually unheard of, used to describe anyone who fought in a contested zone for too long. “Roger that, Ogra get everyone back now and hunker down, big mamma is on her way!” Spoke the sergeant as he voiced the safety concerns for his squad, grunting and the sound of bayonets could be heard as the trooper responded. “Yes Sarge, about time they brought something big and scary down here for once, fall back! Fall back! Code 5! CODE 5!” However, something distracted the trooper as he redirected the survivors to the last line of barricades. "Oy, I said fall back not fall dea..m.m.m.ma.ma.marines! Shouted trooper Ogra, then the soldier's jaw dropped at the sight of the large black marines who were more frightening to look at, as they gauged their way through the Ork ranks in a sea of flame, that didn't seem to affect them in the slightest, but caused unimaginable panic for the Orks. Who’s’ fungus like skin disappeared between the flames of heaven and the angels of death. Plus the fact that they came out from nowhere. There was one thing that the trooper noticed that wasn’t right though. These men all wore helmets with no indication of a leader, not even medals or markings and the fact that they fought in silence, this could be ignored as they all had helmets, but the rest could not. On the other hand, what set Ogra apart from the others, was that he had more sense than to just stand and stare. Knowing that if he failed to heed his sergeant’s words, then he would be better off being the Orks, so he ran and ran as fast as he his legs would drive him. "Hey Rog!, now is not a good time to be jamming the gun, damn you just fire it! " Said Vince, while leaning extra stress on the word 'now' to the russ gunner Roger. A fraction of a second later, smoke billowed out from the Leman Russ's cannon as it launched its 40 inch shell into the masses of the Orks. Running with all the energy that he had left, trooper Ogra sweating as he was, still found the energy and the will to carry on towards his RP despite the tide of Orks on his back and despite the fact that he was running from the kill-zone created by the Russ. Ran and ran he did, but where there was once a trooper, stood ground and nothing more. Onboard the ship above the battle, Angel’s Fury, something not quite right had come to the attention of the radars on board. “Unconfirmed forces in the area, wearing the image of the emperor’s chosen.” Spoke the servitor at the radar station. “Zoom in at location and centre them in at 90%, freeze frame” Called the stern voice. “Location zoomed, centred at 90%, freeze frame. Chapter unknown.” The stern voice moved closer towards the screen, trying to figure what he was seeing, but all he could see was black armoured marines, with flames on their pads and skulls as there emblems. Not even a sign of the imperial eagle was visible on their armour, yet there was something strangely Imperial about them. “Send a transmission to the captain, notify him of the unknown and place the ship on full alert”. As he spoke in a firm voice, something troubled him and he hated trouble that he wasn’t prepared for. On the ground, things were different, much different. As the ground was seeded with pods. The enemy’s fates were sealed. Once the angels of death arrived, only heaven lingered close to them. That was what happened whenever the enemies of the Imperium experienced the storm of death, as Captian Adonis Lucius stormed into the ranks of the Orks and his brothers swept away the xenos. Chapter Four: Mysteries Unraveling "Squad Tonis secure the guards left flank, scout squad Dacius and Dakka secure the jungle to the left flank as well I don't want any infiltrators or any surprises from that jungle." Spoken with the voice of a thousand commandments and a thousand memories as he resumed the thinking of one tactic out of thousands. The squad indicators blinked green to signal that all squads heard his orders. However, another signal caught his attention. "Brother Captain Adonis Lucius here, report." Voiced the captain, as there were only too many seconds that he could delay himself from the battle ahead. "We have unknown forces wearing the image of the emperor's angels." Steady in his voice, but interests were second matters when there were more urgent matters to attend to. "Roger that Brother Tellos, keep me updated on this as your no.1 priority" Interest all but blocked out in his voice. The signal blinked green once more and the battle ensued. "Status report!" Called the captain. "All squads in position and in the process of completing objectives, there is an increased disturbance near the front ranks of the Xenos." Replied the veteran. "Gather the command squad and ignite code, “Cold Rays." Code rays was only ever used against any unexpected threat that was more dangerous than an average marine could handle. Within the Ork ranks, something big was moving; green was everywhere, in the air, on the floor and in the floor as Nobz Piszoff thumped and floored his men. For authority within the Orks was always dealt with a swift thump on the head. "Oy you liddle mangy gitz, da beaky boyz are erez an youz don't wanna miss out on diz fight. Now turnz arounz an getz goingz!" No sooner had the Nob finished his gibbering, he was blown to bits by a rocket. "Scout squad Dacius reporting, objective complete!" Whispered scout Helios with a hint of satisfaction, for without a leader the Orks would be no more dangerous than a human lunch brawl if confusion was sowed upon them. "Copy that Dacius, squad Tonis move up on their flank and unleash hell!” Barked the commander as eagerness was slowing creeping into his voice, then he turned to face the men rallied behind him. “Men, marines and more! Today we shall cleanse this planet of walking *fungus* and today we shall make history!” Eying each marine as he spoke, proud of the spirit he awakened within his warriors and proud of the actions that they would evoke on this righteous today. Raising his weapon as he did he cried out, “TO WAR!”, followed by the response from his men as they shouted back the same words in a defining war cry and charged towards the green horde. Sergeant Tuck, who heard the war cry, could not resist the temptation to look over his shoulders as his men held the Orks and died amongst the Orks. What was once a hill behind him was now a line of human giants, clad in armour they were; wielding large weapons they were and unimaginably fearsome they were. “Boys, the marines are here now. Fall back, fall back! And give the maniacs some room!” Barked Tuck, exhausted as the guardsmen were, they gladly obeyed such an order and ran towards the russ as it continuously poured shell after shell into the sea of green. The Orks, realising that the guardsmen were running, felt a sudden surge of joy at seeing their foe run and more arriving to join the fight. For Orks thrived in war and winning was their nature. However, such was the stupidity of Orks as they focused on only one thing at a time. The additional foe, were big much bigger than their previous foe and they charged in a war cry which the Orks gladly replied in fashion with their own, waaagh. Little did they know that they would soon be in pieces, as a sea of flames suddenly took them and fear suddenly engulfed them, as chainswords rapidly tore into them. The ground below on the other hand, was less exciting than the battle above as trooper Ogra picked himself up. "What th...." Fear took him by surprise as green eyes suddenly beamed him and darkness overcame him. Does it flow better and can anyone spot any grammar/ spelling mistakes? because i want this chapter as clean as possible along with the other three before gamesday! thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 new chapter coming up people, as i am writing one up now! ;) Report from gamesday: well unfortunately i didn't get the chance to present my story ( it's not your fault as muchas you think Skirax and you not to really blame for it ), BUT!.... i got picked to be represented in the next HH book! well a character based on me and my personalities. ^^ and you may well see me ( antique_nova ) in the story somewhere ^^. plus i get to present my story once more, with more time aswell :P. horaa! thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Oh man. Give us details, but if Sigismund doesn't allow it, tell us over PM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 30, 2009 Author Share Posted September 30, 2009 not sure about this chapter, and i haven;t checked all the mistakes, but i have chedked abit. C&C welcomed once more! Chainswords flew and limbs coloured the ground green as the space marines pressed home their advantage from a surprise attack to a full fledged assault. “Brother Lorgar behind you!” Shouted a grizzled veteran as an Ork tried to bury his axe in the head of Lorgar. The space marine turned around just in time to parry the Ork’s axe before using his spare hand to punch holes into the green slim with the tip of his bolt pistol as he emptied shot after shot into the green scum. Confusion was everywhere as the marines cut through the tide of green like a knife through butter and soon enough the Orks began to take hold of the situation and rush back into the fight, with the enthusiasm that only Orks could wield. Plus a few knocks on the head here and there. The situation was getting out of hand, as more and more Orks poured in, Lorgar knew and if something was not done soon. Their surprise attack would turn into a disaster and he could not let his brothers die so easily, he must find their leader and he must kill their leader. Simple as it sounds; but nothing was ever easy for a marine. “Brother Vail, with me!” Shouting towards the grizzled veteran as he plunged right into the thick of the horde. The veteran spun his chainsword and parried his opponent's overhead strike, before finished up with uppercut with the chainsword causing untold mess as green flashed everywhere blinding the sergeant for mere seconds. Wiping away the filth, he charged with his brother into the fray without doubt and without mercy. A few hundred of metres away, the marines fought with renewed eagerness as their commander entered the fray, while Captain Lucius and his honour guard spat death into the Orks. A sudden roar was heard not a few hundred metres ahead of them, knowing this to be the leader of the attack, they moved on as flamer squads flanked their enemies and cleared the way. Whatever caused the roar had arisen, 11 foot into the air, as a muscular giant clad in metal and bones forged its way through the Orks and towards Lucius. Its hand gripped on a familiar object, which was Brother Lorgar's open mouthed head, “Brother Lorgar, you will be avenged!” Spoke Captain Lucius, but before his rage had time to accumulate. A figure burst from the Ork lines, while being restrained by several large Orks, “Brother Captain! I have failed you, forgive me!” Spoke the disorientated Vail as he struggled to break free from the Orkish grasp. The warboss however saw the dismay in the marines faces, with glee, as they saw one of their own so helpless; so defenceless, but held high their heads as their brother continued to fight. “Ya see now? Dis iz wert appenz when youz mess wiv de Orks, an diz is wert appenz when u fight da Orks!” Shouted the warboss gleefully as he took the body of Vail in his metallic grasp and ripped apart the marines body with claw and hand in front of the marines. Even the Orks stopped their fighting to marvel as the leader destroyed his opponent and showered his enemy with gore. “Waaaaagh!” Shouted the Orks, their anger reaching it’s peak once more. “For the emperor!” Screamed the marines. The warboss laughed with a hideous grin, “U beaky boyz are gonna die ere tonight an ur head will be on me pointy stick ere, datz an honour dat iz!” Claimed the Ork. Silenced stood within the marine lines, as they knew discipline all too well. The Orks as impatient as always reflected the mood of their warboss, “Well! What do u say do dat?” Shouted the warboss as his views of the emperor’s finest began to deteriorate. “To hell with you and your kind and for the emperor, charge!” Shouted the Captain as his marines charged and his command squad came forth. A grin like never before appeared on Warboss Bigboss’s as he and his rabble bellowed their warcry and charged with renewed enthusiam. However, as Captain Adonis Lucius and his command squad brought up their weapons to bear, the warboss’s grin broke into an horror stricken face as he was torn apart by a flurry of plasma bolts that reduced his mass to nothing more than a heap of glowing goo. "Brothers target the nobz, demorilize them and destroy them!" Barked the Captain, as their holy wrath could only be forstalled for too long and within half a minute the warbosses were reduced as well like their leader to what could be best described in the old days as, radioactive mushy peas, this humoured many sick factory workers but for those who unfortunately met their fate while eating fish and chips. It became untolerable pain for all they knew. ( the newest part from the word brothers is a comdy part that i couldn't resist putting in ^^ ) i tried to introduce the necro, but i felt it didn't work. and i am in a sticky situation as to how to carry on the story next. original introduction"For Terra and for the Emperor!" Shouted the commander once more, as he and his guard send round after round after round of radioactive death towards there enemies and in short time they had felled no less than thrity Orks and a large area infront of them. As the last round emptied, they switched their steaming weapons to draw forth bolter and chainsword as they advanced towards the depleting green line, taking care not to become entangled in the now radioactive playground of death and destruction. Drafted a second time, i know there are many more mistakes, but hopefully it is a tad easier to read now, before it's finished. I might extend it aswell, as it seems a little too short for my liking. thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twin .44 Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 However, as Captain ---- and his command squad brought up their weapons to bear, the warboss’s grin broke into an horror stricken face as he was torn apart by a flurry of plasma bolts that reduced his mass to nothing more than a heap of glowing goo. HA! Always love to see a melted down warboss. You're keeping me in there, but one small issue, get some detail into there, not just 'Hacked off the head" Something more along the lines of "The marine thrust his chainsword to the neck of the nearest Ork. It began to choke on it's own blood as the blade churned faster and faster, finally causing the head to fall off it's bulbous body. 'For the Emperor!' the marine then shouted in delightful rage." It thickens things out and allows me to see the battle actually happening. Go nuts with it and get as brutal as you want. This is Warhammer 40K my friend! I wanna hear and see destruction of an unknown kind! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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