Starblayde Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 http://i292.photobucket.com/albums/mm1/Starblayde/GW/AEBadge-1.gifTHE ETERNITY SAGA Forever is a mighty long time ~ DRAMATIS PERSONAE ~ The Angels Eternal EBLING FREIHERR - Chapter Master ROQUELOR - Chief Librarian KAMI MINTENSAR - Captain of the Third Company The Blood Angels TULLIUS - Chaplain, 4th Company LEOPOLD - Battle Brother, 4th Company PART ONE HEEDING THE CALL IN THE CHAMBER, in the very heart of the ship, the two Astartes stood. Already half again as tall as ordinary men, their mass was further enlarged by their shining new power armour, thick plates of ceramite freshly crafted and as pristine as they ever would be. A new chapter of the Adeptus Astartes – the Space Marines – had been born and these two demi-gods, angels of death and warriors of the immortal Emperor of Mankind were highest among their newfound brothers. Chapter Master of the newly formed Angels Eternal, Ebling Freiherr, stood resplendent in ceremonial armour painted mostly in purple, which was the traditional colour of the Imperium and the Emperor himself, decorated lavishly in the bright glinting metal that could only be gold. Across the large desk and its mass of holo-displays, screens and buttons stood his Chief Librarian, Roquelor. No mere keeper of books, he was the most powerful of the Chapter’s psykers, those who could wield incredible energies with the powers of their gifted minds. ‘I do not yet quite recognise myself in this newly-painted armour,’ Freiherr said, looking down at the golden winged skull upon his deep purple breastplate. Purple ceramite plates across his arms and pure white gauntlets and shoulder pads stared back up at him. ‘The man is no different under the armour,’ replied Roquelor, who’s Librarian armour remained a deep blue no matter what chapter one belonged to, ‘though it is not so different from before. Besides, it will be familiar in good time.’ ‘And in that time, Roque,’ Freiherr said, ‘good or otherwise, we shall have made history, carved one of our own for the glory of the Imperium.’ ‘Have we not won honour and glory these past decades?’ Roquelor enquired with a slightly teasing tone. No insult was felt or meant, but Roquelor's quick mind was always ready to seize upon the slightest opening. ‘With our former brothers, yes,’ Freiherr replied, holding his hands up in an apologetic manner, resigned to the point he had just relinquished to his old friend. He was also steadfastly sticking to their agreement not to mention the name of their previous chapter, ‘but ours will be the first names on a new role of honour. New oaths to be sworn and upheld.’ ‘I see the first has been made,’ Roquelor said, his eyes coming to rest on the tiny strip of parchment pinned to the right shoulderpad of his new Chapter Master. ‘Your Honour Guard are well named, to have been in the presence of the first oath sworn in the name of the Angels Eternal.’ Freiherr knew that Roquelor had taken it as an insult that he had not been present at the swearing of that oath. It had been such a simple one, to carry the enormous Battle Barge in which they stood to their duly selected homeworld of Kolomea. The fact that Ebling had taken it in the presence of his Honour Guard, the five elite battle brothers sworn to defend him unto death – his or theirs – rather than his old friend Roquelor hurt the feelings of Librarian, and both knew it. There is sat, though, simple words hand-written on a sheaf of parchment that hung like a tiny banner, proudly proclaiming the promise of deeds to be fulfilled. ‘When this is complete, and the Eternal Return lies in orbit over Kolomea,’ Freiherr said, ‘we shall swear great oaths together and wage war among the stars.’ ‘That we shall,’ Roquelor agreed with a nod, his pride returning at the thought, ‘for we have a new Chapter to build! How go the preparations?’ ‘Our Fortress on Kolomea is mostly complete,’ Freiherr said, ‘and evidently the starships involved in its construction, as well as the usage of serfs from the planet’s population in preparation for a full Astartes recruitment programme, seem to have stirred up the myths and legends of the natives.’ ‘Sky warriors and angels of death?’ Roquelor inclined his head slightly. ‘Essentially,’ Freiherr continued, ‘and the hundred or so Astartes we have aboard at the moment will be a solid base with which to grow the chapter at a high rate of speed.’ ‘But only forty or so of us are anything more than fresh from Neophyte status. We have barely a single company’s fighting strength.’ ‘You fret too much, Roque,’ Freiherr’s words were anything but calming for his gifted friend, ‘Today, a company. Tomorrow: two companies, four, six, a chapter. We will grow and expand, and our deeds will expand with us. I am not about to throw these souls away by sending the entirety of this new chapter into all-out war, only to see them destroyed. We will pick our fights carefully to begin with.’ ‘Then, to glory?’ ‘In the Emperor’s name.’ Freiherr bowed his head, bringing up his hands to make the sign of the aquila across his chest. Palms flat, facing his breastplate, with thumbs pointing up in a gesture to replicate the two-headed eagle that was the symbol of the Imperium itself. Roquelor was about to return the sign, but his limbs froze. Again his head inclined, as if straining to listen to something at the very edge of his genetically enhanced hearing. The mass of coloured cables that were wired directly into the back of his shaven head rustled slightly as Roquelor closed his eyes, his brow furrowing with the effort. He opened his eyes a moment later. ‘We have a problem.’ A chime sounded in Freiherr’s ear as the vox link of his powered armour was activated. ‘My lord,’ the voice said, crackling slightly over the link, ‘we must make an emergency transition back to real space at ocne.’ ‘What is it, Kami?’ Travelling through the choatic non-reality of swirling energy that was the Warp was frought with all sorts of dangers. Dropping out of it without warning was a danger in itself to the ship’s psychic Navigator and his attendant choir, as the strain could easily kill them all. So the maiden voyage of the Eternal Return would not go completely according to plan. ‘The Geller field, lord,’ Kami Mintensar replied. It was what kept the insanity of the immaterium out, keeping them – relatively - safe inside. ‘It is failing.’ ‘Understood,’ Freiherr said, knowing there was nothing he could do about a piece of technology that he barely understood. ‘Make all preparations for return to the void.’ Until their ship fell out of the Warp they would have no real idea of where they were located, presumably somewhere along their journey to Kolomea. Ebling Freiherr knew that his psyker friend would feel much better back in the void of space, where the prying daemon spirits of the immaterium had a much more troubling task of whispering darkness in his mind. Ebling often wondered quite how his friend could keep them out at all times, being eternally vigilant to the dangers. They both felt the sudden lurching of their stomachs as the Eternal Return found herself suddenly back in reality, hanging silently in space with nothing more than a swirl of radiation and forks of space-borne lightning to announce their presence. ‘Kami,’ Freiherr said into the open vox link, ‘where in Terra’s name are we?’ ‘Calculating, lord’ the Astartes replied in his customary clipped tones, the Astartes was in temporary command of the bridge while Freiherr was absent, ‘we’re right above a planet, though. It appears to be…’ he paused as the data appeared in front of him. ‘the Kehpalin system, second planet. There’s a battle going on down there.’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Michaels Posted September 21, 2009 Share Posted September 21, 2009 i like it alot i really love stories like this escpecially when its a saga! love it when he says where in terras name are we hope we see the next of the saga soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 not bad, but you need to polish this up alot, you got the conversation right. However, i think it lignered on for too long and their no need to say astartes stood, it best to start a story by describing the characters physical or mental aspects or even the surrounds or the events around them. I am sure the others will arrive to help, but if you want to be good and when i have time. i will pick this piece apart for you ^^. :). Also, when writing the story, don't talk about the space marines in so amny different terms, it gets boring because your repeating the same thing again and again. Same with the conversioni about the oath. and the marines sound too calm/lazy when danger appears in an alert form. you need to write in the mind of a marine, not a human or half a human and half super soldier. Best advice i can give is to read stories from these users to give you a better idea: Hubernator Skirax, but his is more of a freestyle marine writing that doesn't focus marines. Strike Captain Lysimachus - planet fall story and mine :P - night of unending darkness. hope it helps! thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starblayde Posted September 22, 2009 Author Share Posted September 22, 2009 Brother Michaels, thank-you for the love, I just hope that the rest of the saga unfolds to your delight as well :) antique_nova, thanks for the C&C and the recommendations. I think that a lot of the over-explanation and perhaps unneeded extra-flowery language I've put into it is so that someone who's not a 40k follower would be able to understand and picture everything appropriately. We all know what a marine in his power armour looks like, but I'm trying to get across all the nuances that go with it too that we take for granted. As it goes along I'm sure I won't need to describe exactly how they act, dress, etc, but to set the scene a little over-detailing has gone on. I'll try and minimise that in later pieces as, after all, we're all Space Marine fans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 22, 2009 Share Posted September 22, 2009 you don't need to and you didn't describe them well enough, you talked about what they were called more than what theye ven looked like. and no problem. non 40k followers can imagine what a marine looks like by how you dsescribe then at different parts of the story, not all in at once. thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Michaels Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 well seeing as its the first of the saga there wont be loads :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 every little helps though ^^, who knows he might not call it the saga if he wishes to extend it. ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Michaels Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 or he could do another story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReclusiarch Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Love it. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starblayde Posted September 27, 2009 Author Share Posted September 27, 2009 'DRIVE THEM BACK, Brothers,' cried Tullius, firing his Bolter one-handed, 'and let them know the pain of what it is to scorn the Emperor's blessings!' 'By the blood of Sanguinius!' came the answer from the dozen or so Blood Angels around him. Their position was under a heavy counter-attack, forcing them to take cover as a variety of heavy weapons pounded the ruins of the largely obliterated bunker in which they were sheltering. Crimson streaks of shot just above their heads with their characteristic crack as the traitorous Guardsmen brought the fire of their lasguns to bear on the red-armoured Astartes. The monotonous, rhythmic pounding of a deadly autocannon ripped up great mounds of earth as their shells struck the ground. They feared no weapon that could be found on this planet, or any other, as they were the Emperor's finest warriors. With Tullius, their black-armoured Chaplain, personally leading the squad, they would have no cause to fear any enemy. 'Charging our left flank,' said one of his battle brothers into the vox. Tullius' head snapped around in his skull-shaped helmet to see the onrushing Guardsmen. Their unit badges had been ripped off, replaced with crudely daubed symbols of the eight-pointed star of Chaos undecided. Before Tullius had time to issue an order he was brushed aside by one of his brothers. The Blood Angel's bolter clattered to the ground as the Astartes drew his bolt pistol and knife, itself as long as a normal human's sword. 'I have them!' he cried. It was Leopold. Always one ready and more than willing to meet the enemy in close order fighting, it was only his skill with a bolter that had marked him down to be a member of this Tactical squad. Tullius gave him some cover, dropping three of the traitors with well placed shots to their heads and chests. Leopold dived towards the enemy, the flashes of light from his pistol's muzzle announcing to the Guardsmen that death was among them. He whirled and sliced the legs away from one man with such force that he cartwheeled into the air, swiftly turning a second's head into a mass of red gore with a bolt from point blank range. Tullius smiled beneath the grinning skeletal face that adorned his helmet and holstered his own bolter. He took his Crozius Arcanum, a crackling power staff that was the symbol of his office, in both hands and depressed the activation stud. The staff hummed with hidden power, the winged skull at its tip crackling with blue light. Tullius charged in to join Leopold, obliterating a traitor's central mass with his first massive stroke. His Arcanum killed every man it touched until he stood alone with Leopold, surrounded by the broken and bloodied corpses of a score of Guardsmen. 'They are retreating,' Tullius said into his vox, broadcasting to the squad and their limited support assets, 'press the advantage, we must take that orbital defence battery. Bring up the Rhino.' Holographic icons projected onto his retina flicked green in acknowledgment as the ten members of the tactical squad moved forward. The icon representing the servitor driver of their Rhino personnel carrier did so too as the sound of the immense engine revving up to move out of cover filled his ears. One icon, however, remained blank. Leopold's. Tullius looked across at his brother Marine, who had now retrieved his weapon. He still looked like Leopold, with the green drop of blood on his right shoulder pad to indicate the Fourth Company of the Blood Angels, a mark that Tullius' armour shared. His right knee pad, too, remained as the white saltire on black to denote the fifth squad of the company. Yet somehow, something was different. He walked a little taller, standing a little prouder, than even an Astartes usually did. 'Brother Leopold,' Tullius said, having used a muscle in his throat to switch his vox to suit-to-suit contact. Leopold said nothing. Tullius stepped twowards him and placed a black gauntlet onto his shoulder. 'Brother,' he repeated. Leopold turned to face him, his head inclined to one side in his helmet. 'Yes, Brother Chaplain?' Leopold replied. 'We must take the defence battery,' Tullius said in a kind tone, as if talking to a child. It was one that he reserved for situations like this, 'In the Emperor's name.' 'Yes,' Leopold said, after a moment's hesitation, 'it will be for the glory of my father when we take it.' 'Your father?' Tullius asked, knowing the answer in his heart. It was happening, here, to Leopold. 'Yes of course,' Leopold said with a slight chuckle as if to subtly mock the Chaplain for his childish ignorance, 'my father. The Emperor.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Michaels Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 wow this is better than the first! i like alot of things such as the guardsmen rushing with replaced badges i like the way that you left it on a cliff hanger(again nice job) just how many marines are there left?(in the blood angels) EDIT: ps. where it says ~ DRAMATIS PERSONAE ~ The Angels Eternal EBLING FREIHERR - Chapter Master ROQUELOR - Chief Librarian KAMI MINTENSAR - Captain of the Third Company The Blood Angels TULLIUS - Chaplain, 4th Company LEOPOLD - Battle Brother, 4th Company it would be better to put the blood that in the second also dont have the blood angels characters on the first post because they are not in the first one just so we know who is in what story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starblayde Posted September 27, 2009 Author Share Posted September 27, 2009 wow this is better than the first! just how many marines are there left?(in the blood angels) also dont have the blood angels characters on the first post because they are not in the first one Thanks! The Blood Angels consist of a Chaplain, Tactical squad and Rhino. Were this a series of posts (or, better, an actual chapter of a book) without the C&C then the list of Dramatis Personae would work where it is, but as its broken up with all sorts of comments you do have a point. I just don't want to add it to every single post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 much better, but things were/ well the events/ were too brief and too quick. nice way to introduce a death company marine though. but their eyes would be crazy and their speech slurred. thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starblayde Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 nice way to introduce a death company marine though. but their eyes would be crazy and their speech slurred. That's just my take on the ones that think they're Sanguinius, rather than the ones who devolve into bestial killers. That doesn't mean to say the two types don't get combined when the claret starts to be spilled (as demonstrated), but the whole point for my entire :D-ing DIY chapter is that Leopold believes he is the Angel himself, and the effects that produces. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 woh calm down.. i was only giving my comments in..not trying to start spitting flame everywhere. The only difference between death company marines and the ones that believe they are the primarch. is that Leopold here is sanguinius before the events of his vision of death and the death company are the ones who are witnessing his death. Either way i thought the guy had his helmet off and that he would be abit hazzy in the eyes as if he was possessed if he thinks he's the primarch. i should of made that clearer in my previous response. sorry for that. thanks antique_nova Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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