Sir Caverstein Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 The peace before the storm After the Ullanor crusade Horus rose the well deserved position of warmaster. Many primarchs like Rogal Dorn, Fulgrim, Perturabo and even the reluctant and beraged Angron praised him. But some weren't´t so happy Sanguinius, Johnson, Leman Russ and Roboute Guilliman made that day a deadly deal. Kor phaeron and Calas Typhon knowing that the day for their gods to rise was arriving offered those jealous men a deadly deal not only for the warmasters life but also for the Imperium. And that same day that should have been a day of joy and celebration was of death and despair since horus fell to a mysterious sickness. The Betrayal In the moons of Davin horus was set in a ritual in order to cure him. It was in this dark ritual that the betrayal became apparent. Sanguinius used the psychic powers bestowed in him to murder horus. But Magnus realized this. Sanguinius in a desperate try to disguise their betrayal send Leman Russ to obliterate Prospero. The burn of Prospero Magnus knew that his security wouldn't´t last long against the traitors. Sanguinius immediately appointed Russ to destroy the Thousand Sons. In case they needed some power Khorne allowed them to drink the blood of Ka´bandha in order to feed them with berserk charge. Eventually Prospero was obliterated even tough the Thousand sons offered resistance the Wolves had become psychopaths slaining everything that stood in their ways. Eventually Magnus realizing he could not last against this decided to concentrate al the power of his sorcerers to send a message to the emperor. Many sons gave their lives buying time but the spell was succesful.After that all the remaining sons disappeared. The strife revealed Magnus spell was successful but some refused to believe other grievously accepted it and others confused disappeared. Sanguinius used his charisma in order to corrupt those who had been loyal to horus. And Mortarion, Jagathai Khan and Ezequile Abadon soon thought it had been the Emperor fault that Horus lied death but alpharius refused to believe it. Thinking that it would be impossible that the Emperor killed one of his most capable generals. Meanwhile in the eastern fridge Guilliman lead a furious assault on the Word Bearers legion so they could prevent them from warning the emperor, since traitor Kor phaeron had been quickly tough sadly assassinated. Russ started to take system after system for the blood god until the world eaters, furious for the unjustified attack on the thousand sons came to stop them in the most bloody war ever. Berserkers fought berserkers and the planets of ultima segmentum died red. Fulgrim realizing the Imperium was tearing apart went with his Emperor children the Raven Guard and the Iron hands to try to stop sanguinius madness. But it turned out in a quite opposite way the Iron Hands realizing that the traitors were stronger turned against the Imperium, the Raven guard was obliterated and Corax found relief only in Tzench. When the mission returned only a few Emperor children and a dying fulgrim returned. Rogald dorn and perturabo started arguing about who should take command of the remaining forces the dying Fulgrim just reminded them that they were brothers and that only united they could triumph against this strife. That day honoring fulgrim those two became blood brothers and devoted them to defend the palace from the incoming invasion at all cost. More to come later now I´m tired Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Captain Alaric Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 I'm sorry, I commend you for trying, but this was very hard to read. The grammar made some parts very hard to understand, not to mention downright frustrating. Before typing almost anything on a serious board, try to find an automatic spell check, or at least try to watch your sentence structure so its easy for fellow board-goers to read your topic. Now for the story itself, it has potential, but throughout the entire thing, I was drawing close comparisons to Aurelius Rex' AH piece. You need to flesh out your scenarios more and add detail, instead of planting an idea down and leaving it for the reader to take any way they wish. And you need to give reasons for certain acts. Why would the World Eaters attack Russ? They have no love for the Thousand Sons and their sorcery, so they would not likely pity Magnus and his legion, so what would drive Angron to attacking the Wolves? Sorry if I'm coming off as an elitist, I'm just trying to help out so others on this board will take you seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Caverstein Posted October 12, 2009 Author Share Posted October 12, 2009 I'm sorry, I commend you for trying, but this was very hard to read. The grammar made some parts very hard to understand, not to mention downright frustrating. Before typing almost anything on a serious board, try to find an automatic spell check, or at least try to watch your sentence structure so its easy for fellow board-goers to read your topic. Now for the story itself, it has potential, but throughout the entire thing, I was drawing close comparisons to Aurelius Rex' AH piece. You need to flesh out your scenarios more and add detail, instead of planting an idea down and leaving it for the reader to take any way they wish. And you need to give reasons for certain acts. Why would the World Eaters attack Russ? They have no love for the Thousand Sons and their sorcery, so they would not likely pity Magnus and his legion, so what would drive Angron to attacking the Wolves? Sorry if I'm coming off as an elitist, I'm just trying to help out so others on this board will take you seriously. Fair point then I shall explain you all why angron attacked Russ. He had no love for Magnus but russ started to uncontrolably attack planets and Angron tried to protect those planets. Also guess who will be a hero in this days :P editing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retributis Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 It reads like it was written in a language other than english and then translated in bulk on a free website :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Caverstein Posted October 13, 2009 Author Share Posted October 13, 2009 It reads like it was written in a language other than english and then translated in bulk on a free website :/ Actually the quite opossite. But I´m an argentine pre first certificate middle school student and I suck even in spanish grammar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Captain Alaric Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 I'm sorry, I commend you for trying, but this was very hard to read. The grammar made some parts very hard to understand, not to mention downright frustrating. Before typing almost anything on a serious board, try to find an automatic spell check, or at least try to watch your sentence structure so its easy for fellow board-goers to read your topic. Now for the story itself, it has potential, but throughout the entire thing, I was drawing close comparisons to Aurelius Rex' AH piece. You need to flesh out your scenarios more and add detail, instead of planting an idea down and leaving it for the reader to take any way they wish. And you need to give reasons for certain acts. Why would the World Eaters attack Russ? They have no love for the Thousand Sons and their sorcery, so they would not likely pity Magnus and his legion, so what would drive Angron to attacking the Wolves? Sorry if I'm coming off as an elitist, I'm just trying to help out so others on this board will take you seriously. Fair point then I shall explain you all why angron attacked Russ. He had no love for Magnus but russ started to uncontrolably attack planets and Angron tried to protect those planets. Also guess who will be a hero in this days :) editing Yes but WHY did Angron try to protect those planets? Angron was bloodthirsty and enjoyed a good slaughter. In fact, he got in trouble for "quelling" a civilian populous a few times. The man wasn't a knight in shining armor, he was messed up even before the heresy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jarl Kjaran Coldheart Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 i would guess in this revision angron is going to change from stab happy madman to noble hero... WLK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Caverstein Posted October 13, 2009 Author Share Posted October 13, 2009 i would guess in this revision angron is going to change from stab happy madman to noble hero... WLK Probably but he won´t be the only one that goes from madman to hero;) Guess who is going to be the poster hero. anyway back where I left The railing Sanguinius set course to terra in order to exterminate the emperor and take control of the Imperium. But Sanguinius knew that the loyalty of the white scars, sons of Horus and death guard to his cause was doubtful. So during their warp travel the legions suffered significant changes The death guard got infected by a plague of Nurgle and the white scars fell to the excess of speed and adrenaline given by the drugs of Slanesh. But the Sons of Horus were too cold to be corrupted and were´t corrupted but instead vowed to ally chaos in order to destroy Horus murderer. After that Sanguinius had full five Legions to conquer Terra(The Iron Hands, The blood angels(now renamed the Purestrain), The Sons of Horus,The death guard and The white scars). Meanwhile the other legion were send to fulfill many different missions across the universe. Lion´el set course to Caliban in order to rally is Legion garrisons there. Roboute immediately set course to Colchis in order to destroy the word bearers and prevent them from helping the Emperor. Corax went to Nocturne in order to retrieve Vulkans items that could be useful to destroy the Imperial palace. And the bloodthirsty Leman Russ and his legion(the Blood wolves) started and unavailable carnage that died many worlds in blood. The loyalist were in a dire situation. Perturabo, Rogal Dorn and Eidolon went to Terra to enforce the palace. Perturabo and Dorn rivalry benefices this since they competed to see who could make the best fortifications on the Palace. In the mid time The Emperor send Angron to save the world that Leman Russ was destroying. Angron bloodthirsty as ever was reluctant. But when he realized that Leman Russ could be the only opponent who could equal him and his legion in prowess he immediately went hungry for a battle against others berserkers to see if his were strong enough. Meanwhile the Salamanders rallied in Nocturne could only send one company to help the Emperor. Still Vulkan send a villous gift with that company. The eternal shield. The Alpha Legion and The Night Lords were nowhere to be found and the Word Bearers had went onto both civil war and now on a strike of the Ultramarines. Finally the Thousand Sons were presumed death even tough their deaths were in order to save the imperium Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Caverstein Posted October 18, 2009 Author Share Posted October 18, 2009 The wars of the Strife Now with the legions ready the strife began. In mars the iron warriors and the loyal mechanicum fought a desperate battle against the iron hands. Mars was devastated the factories burned but both legions refused to retreat. Eventually with the death guard(now turned into a disgusting legion of whorshippers of Nurgle arrive). And both legions continued a relentless slaugher of the loyal defender. Eventually the Iron Warriors under the lead of Forrix were able to retreat taking with them all the Mk 6 armours they could but still mars fell. In the eastern fridge the war was even worse the world bearers first caught in a civil war against Kor phaeron now found themselvesh suffering a devastating blow by the Ultramarines. And Colchis was becoming hell in earth. In Nocturne the war was advancing slowly neither the Raven Guard neither the Salamanders could do significant damage to one another. The salamanders were to solid for the raven guard to make serious damage and the raven guard was to swift to get caught by the salamanders. The battle was nervously slow going. Something strange happened in the sistem nearing Caliban. Lord Luther and Captain Astelan after realising what was happening tried to make Lion´el recapacitate but Luther realised that was impossible so he organized the garrisons of caliban to fight against their former father. The bloodiest battles were held in Itsvan sistem bettewn the World Eaters and The blood wolves. According to the remenbracers there was really no difference betewn both legion slaughtering each other as animals. But yet Khârn the unstopable became an epitome of martial pride when he defended a city long enough for the civilians to retire But terra suffered the full might of the traitors and daemos but still the defenders didn´t gave not a feet of ground to the palace. But the citysenz weren´t so lucky the frenzied white scars tortured and sacrificed them all. BUT IN THIS DIRE MOMENTS TRUE HEROES EMERGE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Caverstein Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 No coments well lets continue The Imperium strikes back Colchis seemed doomed and the word bearers had accepted their damnation but that was not what happened to these noble heroes. According to clasic remenbracer Dion Cassius The word bearers seemed doomed they were already preparing for a last stand but out of the skies a rain of holy fired landed drooping wave after wave of adeptus custodes. The word bearers now with their faith recovered launched a devastating blow on the THREACHEROUS Ultramarines. Ignoring casualties with their eyes filled with rage and righteous seal against the ultramarines, Roboute had to retreat back to ultramar or be destroyed but in ultramar worst things were waiting for them. In Itsvaan historycal remenbracer Dio send this message to the Emperor about the outbreak of the conflict: Nome of the legions could best the other the chainaxes of both were completely died with blood and both were beraged berzerkers. Still Khârn heroism really marked the outbreak of the conflict since his actions in the city of Kharnia incited the rebels of Itsvaan too fight the Blood wolves. With more hurry than planing the civils striked the Wolves furiously to save their new heroes. Still it was the fact that both legions were called back to terra what marked the end of the conflict. In the sistems near Caliban the most dramatic wars were held according to clasic remenbracers Cato Other wars were held betewn armies of different origin making them easy. But this was brother against brother something devastating and not easy to solve Both armies were in a very slow moving war In Terra The emeperor children appeared at full strenght and noble captain lucius had been the chosen to become emperor Champion. That day the children held the Eternity gate all by themselves while the Iron warriors and Imperial fists fortified the inner halls. But it was in the cities of terra that something strange happened. The coast city of Buenos Aires were the population lived in fear after the white scars had cleansed Montevideo and Brasilia was were true heroes appeared. According to remenbracers Alexandr The city seemed doomed white scars attacking everywhere and civilians could do nothing to save their beloved. A lone child was criying for his mother when a white scar tried to kill her but out of the darkness a knight in an armour as black as obsidian jumped against the scar and torned him appart. The girl was so scared that he could run thinking he could have a similar destiny. Instead the knight raised her and took her whit her mother. The child was not scared but grateful with the knight that saved his life. In fact it was the Night lords now recalled dark defenders who saved the civilians of Terra becoming true heroes of humanity after Konrad understood that he could still save the Imperium if he could save their citisenz and that the true power came from preserving not from taking lives. He was now the truely happy heroe of mankind he was meant to be. Meanwhile in the inner walls of the palace The Emperor smiled his prodigal sons were soon to be returned. well thats all from now please leave coment and make suposicion of what i meant in the last sentence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonaides Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Honestly - you're rushing it. Too many jumps around, too many bits are the same story, but a different character, with no visible thought for the different reasons for why they might become like that... Leman Russ wont jsut turn to Khorne in the same way/for the same reasons Angron did. And Khârn defending Kharnia? - hurts my brain..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Captain Alaric Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Honestly - you're rushing it. Too many jumps around, too many bits are the same story, but a different character, with no visible thought for the different reasons for why they might become like that... Leman Russ wont jsut turn to Khorne in the same way/for the same reasons Angron did. And Khârn defending Kharnia? - hurts my brain..... Most of it hurts my brain. Also, Buenos Aires would not be a "coast city", all the oceans on earth bit the dust long ago. And you really need to explain things. WHY is Lucius now noble? Did something happen that changed him from a total self absorbed jerk? You need to elaborate on such things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Caverstein Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 Honestly - you're rushing it. Too many jumps around, too many bits are the same story, but a different character, with no visible thought for the different reasons for why they might become like that... Leman Russ wont jsut turn to Khorne in the same way/for the same reasons Angron did. And Khârn defending Kharnia? - hurts my brain..... Yep had you realized that this attack on Prospero was noit as easy as the one in the normal Heresy. Leman had no support and Magnus was going to give him battle so he had to get whatever advantage he could. Beside he to was a bloodthirsty stab happy madman. Fair point the one on Khârn but the city was named Kharnia after that battle in honor to Khârn the Unstopable. The heroic astarte that defeated wave after wave of Blood wolves long enough so the citizens could be evacuated. And choped the Hand of .....................Bjorn the Berzerker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retributis Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 So what was the city called before it was Kharnia? Did the governers of the city decide to rename it whilst they were getting evacuated? Seriously, I do think you need to go and learn some of the greater subtleties of the english language and get this all written down in a word document and go over it and edit it until it makes sense and flows in a cohesive story, THEN you can start telling us about the details and the individual battles. At the moment it's like reading the mind of an over-excited child who has eaten too many e number and just-cant-wait-to-tell-you-every-little-bit-about-this-awesome-cool-story-he's-thought-up-and-this-happened-and-this-happened-oh-and-this-too-but-that-was-before-this-bit-oh-and-these-guys-too! That's probably harsh, but cruel to be kind and all that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Caverstein Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 So what was the city called before it was Kharnia? Did the governers of the city decide to rename it whilst they were getting evacuated? Seriously, I do think you need to go and learn some of the greater subtleties of the english language and get this all written down in a word document and go over it and edit it until it makes sense and flows in a cohesive story, THEN you can start telling us about the details and the individual battles. At the moment it's like reading the mind of an over-excited child who has eaten too many e number and just-cant-wait-to-tell-you-every-little-bit-about-this-awesome-cool-story-he's-thought-up-and-this-happened-and-this-happened-oh-and-this-too-but-that-was-before-this-bit-oh-and-these-guys-too! That's probably harsh, but cruel to be kind and all that. What´s and e number? Well we can give the city a stupid name like Itsvan V capital city. The point is even thought the world eaters keep being blood frenzied stab happy madmen they are somehow the heroes they don´t want to be and they accidentaly do things well. Remenber Angron went there because he wanted to do two things. One show that his legion had the best assault troops then STABSTABSTAB and KILLKILLKILL. But Khârn then proves himself a real hero(remmember pre heresy he was a noble and good soldier). And Eidolon and Lucius actually mature because their primarch died and they had to lead what remained of their legion. And then I accept your critics but nobody points out my inconsistences. They only say it´s bad no it´s bad because............. Impressive nobody commented on Rogi and Pert becoming best friends or in Night Haunter becoming Night Knight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midgard Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 Nothing personal, but it is really hard to read, and could benefit from extensive edits before it is posted. The formatting is strange to say the least, and the grammar really needs improvement. As it stands right now, many people will not give it a chance because of the grammar making it a real effort to read. This can also explain the lack of positive comments. For me, if it takes me a real effort to read through a story, timeline, or the like, I will not bother getting through it all - and I am certain there are many others who feel the same way, and will not comment on the story or give positive feedback because of that. I understand English is not everyone's first language - it is not mine, for one - and it might mean more effort for those of us who don't speak, read, or write English on a daily basis, but if you want to have more positive feedback, I suggest editing the story for grammar and presentation before it is posted, and ensuring that it is readable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Caverstein Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 Nothing personal, but it is really hard to read, and could benefit from extensive edits before it is posted. The formatting is strange to say the least, and the grammar really needs improvement. As it stands right now, many people will not give it a chance because of the grammar making it a real effort to read. This can also explain the lack of positive comments. For me, if it takes me a real effort to read through a story, timeline, or the like, I will not bother getting through it all - and I am certain there are many others who feel the same way, and will not comment on the story or give positive feedback because of that. I understand English is not everyone's first language - it is not mine, for one - and it might mean more effort for those of us who don't speak, read, or write English on a daily basis, but if you want to have more positive feedback, I suggest editing the story for grammar and presentation before it is posted, and ensuring that it is readable. Oka editing everything Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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