Sons of Dorn - A Short Story

[PhilArmstrong]

Hi there,

this is my first attempt at creating anything fictional, so thought I would post it up for opinions.

Before you read it I thought I should give you some background.

Basically I am making a successor Chapter of the Imperial Fists, who are tentatively called the Sons of Dorn. In this story they are quite a new chapter, undertaking their first mission, to bring a rebel planet back to compliance.

 

Darius is the Captain of a Company (haven't decided which, not 1st or 10th)

Saul is just a standard marine from a tactical squad of the same company.

 

I am not too pleased with the dialogue, I don't think I write that very well, but I hope its alright for a first go!

 

Saul woke abruptly, greeted by the whirling noise and flashing lights of his armour, designed to alert him to potentially fatal damage to his carapace. As his sight focused, all he saw around him was destroyed. The building he had stood in moments earlier was gone, replaced with rubble, smoke and outbreaks of fire.

 

His vox was dead and static filled his ears. As he got back to his feet he looked around for the rest of his squad. He saw no living survivor, only the occasional bright yellow helmet or shoulder pad, standing out with a stark contrast to the grey rubble and jutting metal of the ruined building.

 

It seemed that he might be alone in the destruction. He shuddered at the thought. He was an Astartes, designed to feel no fear. Was this fear? He decided that was impossible, the trauma he suffered and the grief he felt for his fallen Brothers was almost overwhelming.

 

He was snapped from his thoughts by the sound of rubble shifting behind him. He turned, pulling up his bolter to his eye line, scanning for further movement, his breathing still heavy.

 

“Saul, put your bolter down. You know as well as I do we were alone in the building.”

 

“Darius, you’re alive! I thought I was the only survivor.”

 

“You will be unless you help me out of this rubble and find me an apothecary.”

 

Saul ran to the fallen Astartes, lifting up rubble a dozen humans would struggle to even move as he tried to release his Captain from his rubble sarcophagus.

 

“What happened Captain?”

 

“They must have under rigged the foundations with explosives. We thought they fell back to more secure ground, but it was a trap and we fell for it.”

 

As Saul continued to remove the rubble, it became more obvious that Darius wasn’t going to survive, a large metal beam strut out from his stomach, and his legs were still completely buried. The captain read the worried expression on Saul’s face.

 

“I’ll be fine son, have you called for backup?”

 

“I can’t sir, my vox was broken in the explosion.”

 

Darius’s face hardened, “Then you will have to do it all yourself.”

 

“Yes Captain,” Saul said through his teeth and he tried to get a good hold of the largest remaining piece of rubble. This piece covered both of the Captain’s legs. As it started to move, the whole ruin creaked and moaned. Any shift in the rubble now would doom them both, and the thought of getting this far and failing urged Saul on. With a final heave he flipped the boulder off his Captain and down the slope beyond, causing a mini avalanche of rocks and boulders.

 

With his Captain finally free from the rubble, Saul could get a complete idea on his injuries. He still had the metal beam through his stomach, and now Saul could see what was left of his legs. His right leg had completed disappeared, all that remained was the top of his thigh, with the bone jutting out of burnt flesh. His left leg was little better. The foot was still attached but Saul didn’t think it would still be after the journey back to base. His Captain was starting to lose consciousness as well, the pain made Darius babble nonsense, drifting in and out of reality.

 

Saul reached for his chainsword and started to cut away at the metal beam, first removing the exposed metal coming out of his chest, before dropping onto his stomach and starting to cut away the metal underneath the Captain, working slowly and stopping every time his Captain screamed out in pain. Eventually the Captain was cut free from the beam, although he still had a section sticking through his stomach. Saul knew that removing that would cause him to bleed to death.

 

Darius had not woken for several minutes. Saul knew to hurry, unlike most Astartes, Dorn’s children lacked the Sus-an Membrane required to enter a suspended animation like state. His unconsciousness meant he was dying.

 

The journey back to their base camp was not long, about a mile away, but the path back was exposed, running down through a valley. An enemy force could lay waiting behind the crest of either hill in ambush. This was unlikely though, thought Saul, as they had pushed the planetary defences back to the one remaining enemy stronghold on the continent.

 

If they were lucky, there would be sentries posted along the path, but the Astartes forces were already stretched thin, the Sons of Dorn were still a relatively new Chapter, not yet anywhere near full strength. This was their first major action they had undertaken on their own. It was likely that they would see no one until they reached the camp.

 

Saul crouched next to his Captain and started to lift him slowly. He had to put Darius over his shoulder to carry him. Not very dignified, he thought, but he had no choice. He stumbled down the sloped rubble, nearly falling twice, before finally touching solid ground. The relief swept over him and gave him renewed vigour as he started his lonely trek back.

 

Any feedback is very welcome, I can handle bad feedback (unless it's really bad, then please just lie :D )

 

EDIT: Some words spelt wrong :(

[Balroth]

I like the idea of two Marines fighting to get back to their base camp alone. We don't often see this sort of thing - most Marine stories feature squads at least. I like the confusion of the first few lines, and the quick self-analysis that Saul does.

 

A few comments though (funnily enough about the dialogue, which is probably a good thing considering you picked it out as a weak point).

 

The dialogue seems too human and familiar - it reads more like a couple of non comms talking rather than two Marines. For example, I don't think Saul would refer to Darius by name, and I don't think Darius would call Saul 'son'.

 

Also, the command to lower his bolter seems a bit clunky. How about instead of 'Saul, put your bolter down', try something punchier, like 'Saul, lower your weapon'.

 

You also spelled Apothecary wrong :D

 

Lastly, where'd you get the name Darius? It's a name I've used in various armies and RPGs for about 12 years, but I can't remember where I got it from originally. :(

 

-B

[PhilArmstrong]

You also spelled Apothecary wrong ^_^

 

Lastly, where'd you get the name Darius? It's a name I've used in various armies and RPGs for about 12 years, but I can't remember where I got it from originally. :)

 

blame word for misspelling Apothecary!

 

Darius I got by thinking of every name ending in 'us' until I found one I liked

[Jonas Stromclaw]

Darius is an old persian name, as in King Darius in the book of Daniel.

 

All in all its good. I agree with Balroth that while the dialogue is actually quite good its too familiar for imperial fist successors. Maybe if they were more irreverent lads like space wolves, but not the sons of dorn. Besides that there are a few spelling mistakes and an extraneous word or two that can be deleted. Look forward to reading more from you!