Lords of Shadow

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Origins

When the High Lords decreed that a chapter was to be made during the fifth founding, they put it under the able command of a Raven Guard captain by the name of Radricar. Him being a scion of Corax, the chapter was taught to use stealth tactics, and they were trained to use cover and to wait for the enemy. They excelled, and soon made Radricar proud. Their armor was painted a dark blue, and they were quickly christened as the Lords of Shadow.

They were brought up alongside another chapter, The Hunters of Truth, who used Dark Angels geneseed and were led by a fatalistic astartes who felt shame for something very keenly, though the Lords were never told what that was. Because of this shame the chapter master of the Hunters of Truth painted his chapter a dark green like their founders. The two chapters fought alongside each other for many years and it led to great brotherhood between them. It was such that when Radricar was finally interred into a dreadnought he gave the command that his shell be painted half in his chapters colors, half in the others chapters colors. The entire chapter, most of who had fought alongside The Hunters for many years, did the same out of brotherhood. The other chapter did something as well; they changed their symbol from a flaming sword to a flaming sword across a black one, the symbol of the Lords. In answer to each other’s displays, they vowed for each campaign one chapter was involved in the other would fight alongside them.

History

When the twentieth founding came around, a chapter immediately rebelled. The Lords of Shadow and the Hunters of Truth were tasked to destroying the rogue chapter, so they set off. They began the campaign with half of both chapters fighting against the renegades, now known as the Servants of the Gods, and as the campaign wore on the two experienced chapters gained the upper hand. They managed to restrict the depleted renegades to one planet, and instead of conducting an exterminitus, the Hunters instead chose to directly invade the planet for reasons unknown. It had been speculated by the Dark Angels and their successors that the captain orchestrating the Hunters had been filled with anger at the renegades from Caliban, the hated followers of Luther. The Lords had no choice but to follow.

What happened next is unclear. But the results were that the Lords of Shadow lost the Second, Fourth, Fifth, Seventh and Ninth, who were the half committed to the campaign, and the Hunters suffered relatively few losses. The renegades had been purged, however, but why the Lords of Shadow had lost half of its members is unknown. But a schism happened between the Hunters soon after, with half of the remaining chapter wanted to purge the Lords for an unknown reason. Why they did is a reason that they have kept to themselves, for those who survived refused to tell the Lords. The conflict eventually led to half the chapter declaring war on both the Lords and the other half of their chapter.

Those who declared war were soon wiped out, but they managed to destroy most of both The Lords of Shadow and the remaining Hunters of Truth. The Lords of Shadow have since slowly rebuilt their numbers since, and although The Lords of Shadow keep their armor the same, the Hunters refuse to tell them why half of their number declared war on the Lords.

The Lords of Shadow had seen 140 years pass since part of The Hunters of Truth chapter, whom they still call brothers, attacked them. Both chapters had since rebuilt their chapters and few were left alive who remembered the days when the Hunters had fought the Lords. But there were still a those few, and the day had come when those survivors had come together to tell of a dark secret, something only the High Lords of Terra and the keepers of the geneseed on Mars knew before the schism 140 years ago.

When the renegades (known at the time as the Servants of the Gods) had been attacked by a combined force of Lords of Shadow and Hunters of the Truth, it had started a campaign in which many battles were fought. After one battle which was won by the Servants of the Gods, they took the geneseed of a fallen Lord of Shadow. With no knowledge of who the Lords primarch was, their apothecaries examined it and found (with the aid of a small allied force of Night Lords) that it matched the geneseed of Konrad Curze.

One of these apothecaries was captured by the Hunters in the next battle, and told the Hunters what he had found out, in an attempt to divide the invading forces. His words were poisonous, not to be trusted because he was a traitor - yet if it was false, it couldn't hurt to check? And so with data taken from a fallen Night Lords geneseed and a fallen Lord of Shadows geneseed, the Hunters of Truth came to the same conclusion the traitor had.

But what to do with it? All of the Hunters present knew that their brother chapter was fiercely loyal to the Emperor and the Imperium, and they had proven their devotion many times over. Few had turned renegade from the Lords of Shadow, and indeed it was obvious that they held a special hate for traitors and renegades that few others could match. But the evidence was damning, and the chaplains called for the execution of the Lords of Shadow and some of the Hunters agreed with them, though none dared to tell the Lords of Shadow.

Eventually these radicals took to action and told the Lords to assault the final headquarters of the Servants of the Gods. The Lords of Shadow did, for they trusted their brothers. Many were lost before the Hunters of Truth arrived and helped destroy the final citadel of the Servants of the Gods. The Hunters had been delayed by their own men, but the radicals had managed to convince the rest of the Hunters of Truth that the Lords of Shadow needed to be purged. The Lords of Shadow were unprepared and their force was destroyed quickly, with no survivors.

Triumphant, the force of the Hunters of Truth had sent returned to the rest if the chapter. They told them of everything that had happened, and urged them to destroy the Lords of Shadow. The hunters who had not been on the campaign refused, and those who had declared war on them and the Lords of Shadow. They were wiped out completely before the could tell the Lords of Shadow of their geneseed.

The schism had cost both chapters, and they rebuilt. The Hunters of Truth told none of the new recruits what had happened, and all questions from the Lords of Shadow were quieted with a reassurrance of the two chapters brotherhood and trust. And so the secret was kept until the chapters rebuilt themselves 140 years later, when few were left alive who remembered that fateful day when the schism was made.

When the Lords of Shadow command heard this, they debated over what they should do until finally they decided to tell the rest of the chapter, and see what they would decide.

The Lords of Shadow were stunned at this news. But some wanted to act. Once more the Chaplains wanted to have the Lords of Shadow destroyed. Once more most of the chapter opposed them initially, but once more the Chaplains sermons on their own impurity began to sway them. Individual marines began to be found dead, having shot themselves in the head to end their lives and so purify themselves. This became semi rare, from once a month, to once a week, until hardly a day passed by without a fatal gunshot echoing somewhere in the Fortress monastery of the Lords of Shadow. Five months after the command had released the news the Lords of Shadow became whittled down to only four hundred marines.

In the end it was those who had shared this news with them that saved them, for the Hunters of Truth would knew it was they who had caused this to happen and they could not bear seeing their brothers destroy themselves because of information they had given. They came and took the few remaining marines who believed they had earned back their salvation in the eyes of the Emperor, and had them rebuild the Lords of Shadow.

Those eighty marines did just that, and although it took them 230 years, the chapter eventually was at full strength, and when they fought for the Emperor they fought for salvation.

Organization

The chapter follows standard codex organization, however their markings are different. For first company their bolters are black, for second their bolters are white, for third they are grey, fourth is dark blue, fifth is dark green, sixth is metallic green, seventh is dark red, eighth their chainswords are unpainted (for they are all assault marines), ninth is also unpainted (for they all bear heavy weapons). Tenth is also unpainted, for they haven't earned a color yet. Command is pure silver.

This is because they fight to cleanse their souls, and they all bear the same markings on their shoulderpads rims because of it. After all, they are all seeking penance; why should they share the same system as those who have never needed redemption?

It is fitting, then, that they tactical squads are called the Tested, and Assault squads are known as the Ready. Devastator squads have been disbanded amongst the Lords of Shadow, they give their chances a better chance at survival, therefore a worse chance of dying in the name of the Emperor.

Beliefs

They believe that the Emperor was a very powerful psyker, not a god. However, they believe that He still lives on the Golden Throne and watchs them, and grants His blessing to those who have shown themselves worthy to be called His sons. They also beleive that he will ressurect Himself and cleanse the stars of xenos and Chaos.

They hold a powerful need for redemption. They fight for it, they die for it. Sacrificing themselves for others is only means to an end, the end being redemption. They must atone for their genetic father's traitorous nature, and Chaplains are in charge of this - when a battle brother dies, he must beseech the Emperor to let the fallen fight beside him in the afterlife.

Within the chapter, there is a debate - should they fight with their preffered tactics, of stealth and shadows? Or should they adopt the redemptionists meatgrinder tactics, thus offering more brothers a chance at redemption? It is not unusual for certain captains to disdain the others for chosen method of warfare, and it often leads to bitter politicking when it is time for the Chapter Master to be replaced.

Scheme and Symbol

Their symbol is a Black Sword.

Battle cry

For some, there is none, for they prefer to use the element of surprise and to kill as many of the enemy before the enemy is aware they are there. They also make sure that the enemy is aware that they are there, so as to demoralize them, whilst still remaining hidden.

There areothers within the chapter that call for sacrificial charges and huge assauts on well defended positions. These are often devastating to the enemy, and quite potent, but just as often it fails in all but one purpose - bringing more Lords of Shadow to the Emperor's favor through death.

Homeworld

A ruined Imperial planet, it once had five hive cities, but all were destroyed in some cataclysmic war. There are still humans, for the war that destroyed the cities seemed to not have used nuclear bombs, but used other methods from the Dark Age of Technology. Because of this, the Inquisition and the Mechanicus are very interested, but searches for the technology have turned up fruitless. The Mechanicus in particular seems to be angry over this, The Lords of Shadow have taken to having their scouts follow these teams to make sure they did not harm any of the warring tribes and so potentially upset the balance carefully maintained by the chapter. The Lords of Shadow have strived to ensure that none of the tribes gain any advantage, so that the tribes remain eternally locked in conflict and so eternally provide recruits for the Lords of Shadow.

Relations with other Imperial forces

The Lords of Shadow are viewed as fatalists and unclean abominations to most other Astartes, the sole exception being the Hunters of Truth. The Mechanicus is far more interested in their shattered homeworld, and have begun to become even more disgusted that their failed attempts to plunder STC's from the recruiting ground of the Lord's. Inquisitorial delegates and allies distrust them more than anything else, and more often than not are there to watch them more than anything else. Only the Imperial Guard treat them well, for they are Space Marines, the Angels of the Emperor, and only a few of the higher ranking commanders know of the Lords od Shadow's reason for their fatalism.

[Solomon de Gravier]

Do we have to start our DIY IA now?

 

And by the way, your History section is a bit...squeezed?

"And then half of thier chapter attacked the other half of the other chapter and in this half of the other chapter got killed while the other half of the first chapter were..."

This makes it complicated so rather than squashing it all in, try to spread it out among 3+ paragraphs.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

It's not that complicated...is it? And you can start it whenever you want.

[Ferrus Manus]

I thought the idea was to wait for SP to issue the first challenge later on in the month, after the challenges and stuff has been finalised. But then, it has been said you can use something you've already started, so really there is no issue :)

 

Anyway, Lexicanium hat on...

When the High Lords decreed that a chapter was to be made during the fifth founding, their was enough geneseed to make a chapter.

This is redundant, there has to be enough geneseed for a founding to be declared.

Him being a Raven Guard, the chapter soon began to use stealth tactics.

This is awkward to say the least. I'd suggest changing it to something like 'Being a scion of Corax, Radricar tutored his new Chapter in the ways of stealth and espionage.'

They were trained to use cover and to wait for the enemy, and they excelled.

Kind of implied in the previous sentence, I'd get rid of it.

and they soon earned the name Lords of Shadow.

How? Why? The word earned implies so sort of task or challenge. I'm assuming you mean on the field of battle though.

They were brought up alongside another chapter, The Hunters of Truth, who used Dark Angels geneseed and were led by a grim, dark astartes who felt the shame of the fallen very keenly and painted his chapter a dark green like their founder

Too much detail on this other chapter, remember the focus of this IA is the Lords of Shadow.

In answer to each others displays, they vowed for each campaign one chapter was involved in the other would fight alongside them.

 

And so it went for many years.

That's a big ask, and I don't see what this brotherhood with Hunters adds to your chapter. I'd consider toning it down a bit. Besides the sons of the Lion tend to be very secretitive, hence untrusting.

 

++++++++++++++++

 

If I'm honest, I think you should remove everything about the Hunters. Your dragging focus away from your Chapter, it's these guys I want to read about. Besides, the schism and the severe losses are rather cliched. Sorry to seem so harsh, a stealthy chapter is a good idea. But you need to keep focused on the Lords not the Hunters.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

1), 2), and 3) - Ok, will go back and edit.

 

4) You assumed correctly.

 

5) and 6) It is all part of the story, can't let you in on too much right away, can I? :P

[Ferrus Manus]

5) and 6) It is all part of the story, can't let you in on too much right away, can I? :P

 

Fair point, maybe I was a bit quick to judge - especially when the rest of the article isn't done. I'll hold my piece for now ;)

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

5) and 6) It is all part of the story, can't let you in on too much right away, can I? ;)

 

Fair point, maybe I was a bit quick to judge - especially when the rest of the article isn't done. I'll hold my piece for now ;)

Thank you for that I do appreciate it.

 

I would also appreciate if there is anything else that should be fixed or remade? Or rather if you would let me know if there was and let me know what bits fit that description.

[GhostLegion]

For some reason I feel I just have to weigh in on this one :) , soooo let me get on with my initial thoughts....

 

Overall, I think I like the concept and the base background you give this chapter, but that may just be the old DA in me rearing its head. I do have to agree with Ferrus Manus' previous comments and placements...not to mention where he points out lacking information for the interesting points. I would really consider these if I were you and flesh out as appropriate.

 

You have the start of an interesting tone here, a cross between a formalized religious text and an oral tradition story. This is not a bad thing, in fact, it is different enough to be interesting. I would work through this draft again and exploit this uniqueness....if only to make you're article stand out from the pack. I think it would also benefit you to review the DIY guide and one or two IA's...if only for sections and substance. This comment is not intended as a slam on you, merely an observation and a feeling that I get of something missing.

 

Now then...into your draft:

 

and they quickly earned the name Lords of Shadow.

To me, this says this is not the chapter's name, but more of a title. This has me wondering what the chapter's real name is. Perhaps this comes from the way you phrase the sentance. Also, I want to point out that chapters are most likely named at the time of founding, not earning a name later...this is due in part to the charter all chapters are (based on old fluff sourcing yet to be retconed) issued and party to.

 

and were led by a grim, dark astartes

For my part, I would recommend changing this. As it stands it feels too kitchy...too underdeveloped. Looking at the rest of what you have here, I am certain you can do better.

 

... for many years ... for many years...And so it went for many years.

Ah...for many years...this kind of feels like an eyeball kick to me. The first one is fine, the second two kind of hurt to read...especially with their proximity. I would highly recommend rewording this slightly, if only to make the statement in a different way each time. Just a thought.

 

But when the twentieth founding came around, a chapter immediately rebeled.

Wait, what? Where did this come from? By having the sentance start the way you do, you are referencing the previous paragraph, which has nothing to do with a third chapter. At first read it made me wonder which of the two went rogue!

 

The Lords and the Hunters

I would use full chapter name here, not shortened.

 

They began the campaign with half of both chapters fighting against the renegades, now known as the Servants of the Gods, and as the campaign wore on, the two experienced chapters gained the upper hand. They managed to restrict the depleted renegegades to one planet. Instead of conducting an exterminitus, the Hunters instead chose to directly invade the planet for reasons unkown. It had been specualted by the Dark Angels and their successors that the captain orchestrating the Hunters had been filled with anger at the renegades from Caliban, the followers of Luther. The Lords had no choice but to follow.

this comes across being very choppy...not quite bullet statements, but close. I think you would benefit by taking some time to reword this and smooth it out some. Also, as this appears to be a significant part of your chapter history, a little more attention and detail would benefit in aiding the reader to determine the nature and character of your chapter. Empathy and understanding go a long way to improving the suspension of disbelief and making your chapter feel more real.

 

What happened next is unclear. But the results were that the Lords of Shadow lost the half of their chapter committed to the campaign, and the Hunters suffered relatively few losses. The renegades had been purged, however, but why the chapter had lost half of it's members is unknown. But a schism happened between the Hunters soon after. Half of the remaining chapter wanted to purge the Lords for an unknown reason, why they did is a reason that they have kept to themselves. The conflict eventually led to half the chapter declaring war on both the Lords and the other half of their chapter.

as above. I would also recomend replacing at least a few of the "the chapter" with the chapter's name, and one or two of the "half" with a number of companies. as it stands, this is not so easy a section to read, and though not choppy, it does inspire confusion for the reader.

 

They have since slowly rebuilt their numbers since, and although The Lords of Shadow keep their armour the same since when their first chapter master was interred in a dreadnought, the Hunters refuse to tell them why half of their number declared war on the Lords.

Veeeery long sentance. I would break this up. I would also get rid of one of the two "since"s. only one is truely needed here anyway.

 

The chapter follows satandar codex orginization, however their markings are different. For first company their bolters are black, for second their bolters are white, for third they are grey, fourth is dark blue, fifth is dark green, sixth is mettalic green, seventh is dark red, eighth their chainsords are unpainted (for they are all assualt marines), ninth is also unpainted (for they all bear heavy weapons). Tenth is also unpainted, for they haven't earned a color yet. Command is pure silver.

You could shorten this by saying something like "The chapter uses the perscribed markings of the vaunted Codex Astartes and uses the color of their bolters to indicate company." If you have a copy of the Insignium (?) Astartes, check the section on company markings and see how it is worded...then modify the text to fit your color scheme...

 

 

They believe that the Emperor was a very powerful psyker, not a god. They also believe in improvisation and remaining undetected, so the enemy has no preparation for their righteous wrath.

This feels very bare bones when looking at the bond you indicate in the history section...that history could be reflected in the beliefs section...if only to improve the overall effect and make the chapter more (sorry) believable.

 

 

The Lords of Shadow scheme is here...

 

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/smsbeta...amp;lkr2=784141

I rarely comment on color schemes, but I want to here. I think the blue and green split is interesting, but I am not sure about your choice of green here....to my eye it has a little too much blue in it to be appealing...just a little offputting to me...

Their symbol is a Black Sword.

Simple, effective...I like it.

 

Battle cry

 

None.

a little abrupt after all the text you have so far...maybe a little more here would be nice...maybe a reason/justification based on their combat doctrine? or maybe there's a historical reason behind this? just a thought.

 

 

Homeworld

 

A ruined Imperial planet. It once had five hive cities, but all were destroyed in some catacylismic event. Their is still humans, and it is from these warring tribes of once civilized people that the Lords recruit.

Again, this feels like bullet comments, severely lacking in detail...and please remember the difference between "There" and "Their"...it is an important one (though I am betting this was only an accidental misspelling). Also, it would not hurt you here to use the full chapter name instead of the shortened form you fall back on.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Heeding your advice, ghostlegion, I shall edit appropiately. However there are a couple of things that I may keep, and if I do, I shall either expand on it later or have something else explain it. Most of it is rewording anyways, so thank you.

[Brother Argent]

Someones a little eager... :D

 

Ferrus is right. Although the Challenges haven't started yet (sign up hasn't really evn started...) you can use an already existing IA (as long as its not Librariumized yet. Good to see some enthusiasm. I'll should have a proper announcement thread with dates, etc later today for sign up. Will keep people posted.

[Solomon de Gravier]

What happened next is unclear. But the results were that the Lords of Shadow lost the the Second, Fourth, Fifth, Seventh and Ninth, who were the half committed to the campaign, and the Hunters suffered relatively few losses. The renegades had been purged, however, but why the Lords of Shadow had lost half of it's members is unknown. But a schism happened between the Hunters soon after, with half of the remaining chapter wanted to purge the Lords for an unknown reason. Why they did is a reason that they have kept to themselves, for those who survived refused to tell the Lords. The conflict eventually led to half the chapter declaring war on both the Lords and the other half of their chapter.

 

I didn't mean to offend you you but this paragrah does feel rather full. I can't understand parts of it and others are a bit hazy. Turning this into 3 paragraphs, each one describing well a different point in the story rather than keeping it all in one shell would probably help.

 

Might be just personal preference. You are well in your rights to ignore anything i've said but this is my opinion and if it does help you i'll be happy to have helped you. :lol: <-Me a bit Crazy

[GhostLegion]

Heeding your advice, ghostlegion, I shall edit appropiately. However there are a couple of things that I may keep, and if I do, I shall either expand on it later or have something else explain it. Most of it is rewording anyways, so thank you.

 

This is the type of thing I like to see. I always state that the IA is yours...not mine...not any other member's...yours. Any comments I make are my suggestions and should be taken as such. Of course this does not mean or imply that my way is the only way...nor that I expect you to make your ideas conform to mine. I just offer suggestions to improve from my perspective, leaving it up to the authors to take or leave as they will. Kudos to you for catching that and keeping it in mind!

[Ace Debonair]

History

 

 

Those who declared war were soon wiped out, but they managed to destroy most of both chapters. They have since slowly rebuilt their numbers since, and although The Lords of Shadow keep their armour the same, the Hunters refuse to tell them why half of their number declared war on the Lords.

 

This doesn't read quite right. Do you mean the Lords Of Shadow built up their numbers again, or the guys who went renegade built up their numbers again? And what does this attack have to do with changing armour?

 

You might have rushed this chapter a little bit. Patches of it, as GhostLegion pointed out, seem a bit hastily written.

Sit back, and let the ideas come to you, rather than chasing them down.

 

With a bit of patience, you could have quite the chapter here. I also want to hear more about their homeworld - hopefully that negoitates it's way into the next update. :tu:

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Going to update about the Homeworld, and edit as ace debonair suggested. When this post says edited it will be done.

 

 

Edited.

[GhostLegion]

Homeworld

A ruined Imperial planet, it once had five hive cities, but all were destroyed in some catacylismic war. Their is There are still humans, for the war that destroyed the cities seemed to not have used nuclear bombs, but used old technology other methods from the Dark Age of Technology. Because of this, the Inquisition and the Mechanicus are very intrested, but searchs searches for the technology have turned up fruitless. The Mechanicus in particular seems to be angry over this, The Lords of Shadow have taken to having scouts shadow their Scouts follow these teams to make sure they did not harm any of the warring tribes and so potentially upset the balance carefully mantained by the Lords of Shadow chapter. The Lords of Shadow have strived to make sure ensure that none of the tribes gain any advantage, so that the tribes remain eternally locked in conflict and so eternally provide recruits for the Lords of Shadow.

 

Take a look at the edits I offer in the text here. If you like them, great...if not, well thats ok too. Looking at this, I would review the whole of the draft for similar minor revisions. In the end, this type of review will only improve your writing and your ability to get your point across to the audience.

 

+ "in some cataclismic war" ??? this is rather dismissive and kind of turns me off from wanting to know more about the planet.

 

+ "nuclear bombs" is not standard within the 40k setting...I would change this

 

+ "The Mechanicus in particular seems to be angry over this" ....I am not sure what this adds? if you like it, fine...otherwise I think it could be removed.

 

+ I think you can split the last sentance into two. This would make it easier to read and allow you to seperate the two ideas you already have in one sentance...it would also be better from a grammar standpoint I think.

[Solomon de Gravier]

A good idea would be to remove the 'who felt the shame of the fallen very keenly :) ' bit.

 

Only a few outside of the Dark Angels and thier successors would know something like this and i doubt they'd tell even the best of friends. Seeing as your writing this from the point of view of the Lords of Shadow it might be better to change it to:

'who was often shameful although he never told the Lords what of :) ' or something similiar. I might be spouting complete gobbledegook but if i'm not then this is an extra for me :)

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Going to edit under the advice of Tyrak, when this says edited it means I got it done.

 

Solomon, I missed one post that you put down (on the shism/most of which is unclear bit) and most of that I am just deciding how it should affect the chapter, I already have decided on the what happened.

 

Your last post is a good idea, I will go back and edit that as well.

 

Thank you Tyrak, Solomon.

 

Edited.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

The Lords of Shadow had seen 140 years pass since part of The Hunters of Truth chapter, whom they still call brothers, attacked them. Both chapters had since rebuilt their chapters and few were left alive who remembered the days when the Hunters had fought the Lords. But there were still a those few, and the day had come when those survivors had come together to tell of a dark secret, something only the High Lords of Terra and the keepers of the geneseed on Mars knew before the schism 140 years ago.

 

When the renegades (known at the time as the Servants of the Gods) had been attacked by a combined force of Lords of Shadow and Hunters of the Truth, it had started a campaign in which many battles were fought. After one battle which was won by the Servants of the Gods, they took the geneseed of a fallen Lord of Shadow. With no knowledge of who the Lords primarch was, their apothecaries examined it and found (with the aid of a small allied force of Night Lords) that it matched the geneseed of Konrad Curze.

 

One of these apothecaries was captured by the Hunters in the next battle, and told the Hunters what he had found out, in an attempt to divide the invading forces. His words were poisonous, not to be trusted because he was a traitor - yet if it was false, it couldn't hurt to check? And so with data taken from a fallen Night Lords geneseed and a fallen Lord of Shadows geneseed, the Hunters of Truth came to the same conclusion the traitor had.

 

But what to do with it? All of the Hunters present knew that their brother chapter was fiercely loyal to the Emperor and the Imperium, and they had proven their devotion many times over. Few had turned renegade from the Lords of Shadow, and indeed it was obvious that they held a special hate for traitors and renegades that few others could match. But the evidence was damning, and the chaplains called for the execution of the Lords of Shadow and some of the Hunters agreed with them, though none dared to tell the Lords of Shadow.

 

Eventually these radicals took to action and told the Lords to assault the final headquarters of the Servants of the Gods. The Lords of Shadow did, for they trusted their brothers. Many were lost before the Hunters of Truth arrived and helped destroy the final citadel of the Servants of the Gods. The Hunters had been delayed by their own men, but the radicals had managed to convince the rest of the Hunters of Truth that the Lords of Shadow needed to be purged. The Lords of Shadow were unprepared and their force was destroyed quickly, with no survivors.

 

Triumphant, the force of the Hunters of Truth had sent returned to the rest if the chapter. They told them of everything that had happened, and urged them to destroy the Lords of Shadow. The hunters who had not been on the campaign refused, and those who had declared war on them and the Lords of Shadow. They were wiped out completely before the could tell the Lords of Shadow of their geneseed.

 

The schism had cost both chapters, and they rebuilt. The Hunters of Truth told none of the new recruits what had happened, and all questions from the Lords of Shadow were quieted with a reassurrance of the two chapters brotherhood and trust. And so the secret was kept until the chapters rebuilt themselves 140 years later, when few were left alive who remembered that fateful day when the schism was made.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Comments? Critisism? Banana pies?

[Ace Debonair]

The new bit's novel.

 

I'm wondering though, why a chapter would be made with traitor gene-seed.

It defies sense when there are so many loyalist gene-seeds available to pick from.

 

But if you're determined to press ahead with it, then perhaps you should have the Lords of Shadow created in the Dark Founding.

 

Also, the battle-cry section.

None, for they prefer to use the element of surprise and to kill as many of the enemy before the enemy is aware they are there. They also do the opposite, make sure the enemy knows that they are there but make sure they are hidden, so as to demoralize the enemy.

 

Staying hidden isn't really the opposite of surprising a foe and ambushing them. :blink:

Perhaps re-wording as something along the lines of;

"The Lords Of Shadow also have a penchant for striking from the darkness, picking off weaker targets to make the enemy wary and panic-stricken. On occasion this demoralizing tactic has led enemy forces to rout without even seeing their attackers."

 

I'm out of banana pies. Will pineapple do?

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

The new bit is novel? As in original? I am impressed with myself!

 

Why the chapter was made with traitor geneseed? As an experiment. Why do you think they were given a captain of the Raven Guard, whose chapter, once legion, was small in numbers because of their geneseed - or rather those who bear it.

Why do you think they were brought up alongside another chapter, who was also led by someone important to keeping them in line - the fatalistic captain of the Dark Angels, who was constantly aware of his Fallen, who were traitors, brethren?

 

The answer to why is to see if it was possible to make a loyal chapter out of traitor geneseed. The experiment was, and is, successful.

 

What is the dark founding?

 

Battle cry advice heeded. Will go back and edit.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

When the Lords of Shadow command heard this, they debated over what they should do until finally they decided to tell the rest of the chapter, and see what they would decide.

 

The Lords of Shadow were stunned at this news. But some wanted to act. Once more the Chaplains wanted to have the Lords of Shadow destroyed. Once more most of the chapter opposed them initially, but once more the Chaplains sermons on their own impurity began to sway them. Individual marines began to be found dead, having shot themselves in the head to end their lives and so purify themselves. This became semi rare, from once a month, to once a week, until hardly a day passed by without a fatal gunshot echoing somewhere in the Fortress monastery of the Lords of Shadow. Five months after the command had released the news the Lords of Shadow became whittled down to only four hundred marines.

 

In the end it was those who had shared this news with them that saved them, for the Hunters of Truth would knew it was they who had caused this to happen and they could not bear seeing their brothers destroy themselves because of information they had given. They came and took the few remaining marines who believed they had earned back their salvation in the eyes of the Emperor, and had them rebuild the Lords of Shadow.

 

Those eighty marines did just that, and although it took them 230 years, the chapter eventually was at full strength, and when they fought for the Emperor they fought for salvation.

[Brother Cambrius]

Interesting idea and concept. I was wondering whether the Lion's sons would decide to silence their comrades in arms on a planet full of a certain bunch of chaos marines. :lol:

If oyu want to see your image of the Lords of Shadow's heraldry Simply quote this reply and use the magic of the Mechanicum's Ctrl C, Ctrl V.: ;)

Onto the work, I find thew writing a little jumbled and informal in a number of places. Are you aiming for the piece to sound like someone's dictating the IA to you or similar?

I like the idea of the loss of half the chapter thanks to their supposed comrades and I'm really looking forward to these additions ewith the Ordos on their homeplanet alongside the Order of the Dusk Shadow. ;)

Keep it up and I see I wasn't the only eager one at the beginning. :mellow:

Cambrius

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Thanks for the codes, they will help immensely.

 

I wanted it to sound like a member who was there was telling it, but occassionaly became nostalgic when he remembered periods of high emotions.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, my next step is to microsoft Word it then start a new topic with that as its final version and submit it.

[Brother Cambrius]

Thanks for the codes, they will help immensely.

 

I wanted it to sound like a member who was there was telling it, but occassionaly became nostalgic when he remembered periods of high emotions.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, my next step is to microsoft Word it then start a new topic with that as its final version and submit it.

 

No problem. ;) Perhaps you should have at the start something like:

 

+++LEGIO FILES LOGIN - PASSWORD+++

 

+++WELCOME LEXICANIUM MORTIS+++

 

++SEARCH QUERY - CHAPTER FILES+++

 

+++CHAPTER FILES - LORDS OF SHADOW+++

 

+++ACCESS GRANTED - VOICE FILE OF CAPTAIN HELIXUS OF LORDS OF SHADOW 2ND COMPANY+++

 

++PLAY+++

 

It can help convey that its a file of spoken word to the reader.

 

Cambrius