THE CHAMPIONS: DIY Challenge

[Solomon de Gravier]

This is the new Champions space marine. This will be up until I finish version 2.0

[UltimateJake]

It seems like a rather nice idea, however the Codex they follow seems to be a little heretical. If they truly follow everything from a book then that seems like they are being manipulated by Tzeentch or something even darker. So I would see lots of inquisitors investigating your chapter.

 

And your say AFTER A FEW THOUSANDS YEARS ON OCTOR, this seems a little odd. Why would marines remain on a single planet for a thousand years. This is something that would likely get them excommunicated due to not fulfilling their duty. Unless you are saying no one that they were around (IE lost to all records) then that seems a little similar to Warp Dissapearance which is commonly a cliche used to get out of history.

 

IT seems like a nice knightly chapter with a theme, however their are some flaws.

 

 

Iron Gauntlet 2/20

[Captain Lucas Raziel]

very nice, a different Codex! i would say you'd have to say who wrote it, as it seems it hasnt been put who wrote it. the mystery of them is put in, put i would suggest you'd have to explain how the Inquistation dont have any documents on them. also, will the champions know their Gene father. i'm may sadly have to suggest Dorn, as the Grand Champion seems to act like an Emperors Champion.

 

Iron Gauntlet: 3/20

[Brother Cambrius]

A good start with decent gorundwork made Solomon de Gravier. A couple of suggestions to help get this refined more:

 

Firstly, no requirement for the full on capitals in the IA. They don't really help with the flow of the reading.

 

The =][= would definitely be watching this bunch like hawks if they know they're following a spearate Codex and as UltimateJake mentioned, it oculd be seen as following hints frm T'zeentch. Perhaps a future edition into the article.

 

The thousand years upon the planet seems very stretched. A lot can happen within that time, so maybe trimming the years down to a century or less.

 

I look forward to more on these guys. Keep it up and best of luck in getting this completed.

 

Cambrius

[Solomon de Gravier]

1) I didn't mean that they were only on this planet for more than a thousand years. I meant to say that it was at least 2000 years after they first arrived. I'd better change that so that people uderstand easier.

 

2) The Codex Oracus is and ancient document, written before the Horus Heresy, and is not Heretical. I did put down that the Codex Astartes was followed word for word, letter for letter so i don't see what people are getting at. This is the ONLY surviving document of thier past, the marines see it as a sacred thing that was entrusted to them.

 

3) No. They don't know were thier Geneseed comes from, much like the Red Scorpions, and the only person who could posibly know is entomed in a dreadnought, doomed never to awake from his never-ending sleep.

 

4) I put everything that I saw as a Key word in pure capitals to make it easier for people to pick out the actual information on things. Sorry if it confuses you.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

This being the Iron Gauntlet, I'm going to adopt a no-holds-barred critiquing style. None of the critique is intended to offend. :)

 

Little is known about the Origins of The Champions as all thier records were destroyed in a catastrophy that shook the chapter. However, the common theory is that they were formed somewhere between the 4th and 12th foundings.

 

Which to any half-experienced Liberite is code for "I couldn't be bothered to write a background". You need a reason for the records to be lost - in an age where the biggest filing and storing organisation ever to exist rules the galaxy, records are not going to just 'disappear'. In light of the Codex Oracus and its influence on your Chapter, you need to elaborate on this 'catastrophe' you speak of and how it it caused the records to disappear.

 

This book is called the Codex Oracus, and is considered almost as important as the Codex Astartes to The Champions. The book is filled with prophecies form another age and The Champions consider it thier duty to the Emperor to ensure that all of these come true, even to the point of killing thousands of innocents. If it is written in the Codex Oracus then it WILL happen.

 

Very interesting. More information please?

 

It seems like a rather nice idea, however the Codex they follow seems to be a little heretical. If they truly follow everything from a book then that seems like they are being manipulated by Tzeentch or something even darker. So I would see lots of inquisitors investigating your chapter.

 

Or the book is divinely inspired revelations from the Emperor. That'll keep the Inquisitors arguing for ever and a day, and those Inquisitors that support that Chapter will keep the others off the Chapter's back.

 

The Imperium does have knowledge of the planet however, as it's twin Septos is a forgeworld of the Adeptus Mechanicus. A forgeworld in such a close vicinity means that THE CHAMPIONS are never short of arms and most of thier members have MK VIII 'Errant Armour', the newest model of Astartes ceramite.

 

Ah, the 'nearby forgeworld' idea. I'm going to have to coin an new Deus ex Machina at this rate - Deus ex Mechanicus.

 

Picture the scene. A near-abandoned sector of the Imperium is struggling for life. Raiders regularly prey on the worlds, toying with the inhabitants. The only bastion of safety is a single planet, the sector capital, where all the Imperial Guard and Navy resources have been concentrated into a impenetrable fortress to keep out the raiders. But wait! A Chapter of the Adeptus Astartes has arrived to save the sector and drive out the raiders.

The Marines proceed to set up camp and garrison the fortress world, and the incredulous inhabitants of the sector continue to die as normal.

 

That's sort of what you've done here. A forgeworld is heavily defended by millions of Skitarii, Mechanicus warships, and in all likelihood a Titan garrison, if indeed it's not a base for one of the Titan Legions. It doesn't need your presence to defend it, and there are much better places for you to set up home, places that could use your aid. Other Chapters recruit from worlds other than their homeworld - having a home elsewhere for strategic purposes doesn't stop you from doing the same.

 

Of course, since you've just come up with this homeworld the solution would be to move the forgeworld rather than your Chapter. The AdMech do door-to-door delivery anyway, so being close to a forgeworld will make no difference to the queue of Chapters who need replacement equipment.

 

You got a good start to work from here, and I look forward to seeing more. :cuss

[Ace Debonair]

Hey, nice.

 

Drop the ALL CAPITALS bits, though. They just look a bit silly. ^_^

 

I'm intrigued that the squads in the Champions have Captains - a rank usually awarded to Space Marines in charge of a company.

Might I suggest this get turned back into Sergeant?

 

The thousand year gap isn't really neccessary once you land on that other world. If you take it out, it just makes it seem like your boys slowly and patiently introduced technology to the Octors.

 

Er, hang on. The only record of your chapter's history... predates the Horus Heresy? :lol:

Please tell me this isn't the 21st or 22nd legion in disguise.

 

On a different note, I like that colour scheme. It's nothing out of the ordinary, but it looks good. :P

Keep working on these guys! Once we help you hammer out the mistakes, I reckon you'll be left with something special. ;)

 

(Ace's Iron Gauntlet constructive criticism - 1/20)

[UltimateJake]

I would strongly suggest that you take out the predates the Heresy. Just say that it is a book said to describe the Emperor himself and his dream for humanity. Or make it about a spiritual figure they call their primarch or something. Make it about someone from their history. Just don't make it better than the Codex Astartes.

[Solomon de Gravier]

Ace:The Codex Oracus is an ancient document that hasn't only been with The Champons. It was passed down to them by thier forebears and just because the basis of the chapter is old dosn't mean the chapter can't be new. It does say that the chapter was founded between the 4th and 12th foundings or something similiar and the Codex was passed down to them.

 

Ultimatejake: The codex Oracus isn't better than the Codex Astartes. It clearly states that they follow the Codex Astartes with devotion word by word.

[Ace Debonair]

Ok, that's all to the good. :)

 

But you can see where I'm coming from, right?

If it contains stuff about their origins, and is pre-heresy... it does point to one conclusion, in spite of what you earlier said about the foundings. Also, by your own words, it's only rumoured the Champions were founded at that time, which also got me thinking. :lol: Perhaps a slight re-wording or re-thinking of the age of the Codex Oracus.

 

It might be worth making the book almost as old as the original Codex, instead. That way you avoid all of the doubts (older/better than codex, clues to 21st legion) and still get everything that I think you wanted from the book.

 

Keep up the good stuff so far!

 

(Ace's Iron Gauntlet Constructive Criticism 4/20 :P )

[Solomon de Gravier]

Well i see what your saying...but I kinda made it so that people would start to think about the missing legions. in my story will be more little hints at the origins of the chapter and also who they revere. the 2 brothers who are lost to us all.

 

your thinking in the right direction Ace, good decoding of my rambles :lol:

[Ferrus Manus]

Ok, either go with the Codex Astartes or go with the Codex Oracus. It wouldn't work using both, imagine trying to play a game of W40k using the 5th ed rule book and the 2nd Ed rule book. In part they will be the same but they will also be wildly different. I'd go with the Codex Oracus, it could be a way of combat that was developed on Octrin which was develop for the astartes' needs. (Possibly even penned by Brother Oracus :lol: )

 

Iron Man Challenge: 2/20

 

Oh, and sort the coding out :P

[Captain Lucas Raziel]

if it is before the heresy, that might suggest them being a original legion. although i know that it isnt, maybe you should change the date. and maybe, can we have some of these prophceys? maybe an account of what happened to make one come true? and what do they state? battles? deaths? chapter glory? etc :lol:

 

Iron Gauntlet: 5/20

[UltimateJake]

Ace:The Codex Oracus is an ancient document that hasn't only been with The Champons. It was passed down to them by thier forebears and just because the basis of the chapter is old dosn't mean the chapter can't be new. It does say that the chapter was founded between the 4th and 12th foundings or something similiar and the Codex was passed down to them.

 

Ultimatejake: The codex Oracus isn't better than the Codex Astartes. It clearly states that they follow the Codex Astartes with devotion word by word.

 

Sorry, but I merely meant don't make it too OTT. You haven't did that yet, but it would be very easy to fall into making your chapter awesome. Which you haven't really done yet and nothing seems to glaring. But, it does needs to be fleshed out and some of the well article headings seem to clash so you might want to fix that up although that doesn't really affect your chapter.

 

But, as the others said I think we would all like a bit more on the chapter prophecies and such. But, so far it seems rather good.

 

Iron Gauntlet 5/20

[-Brother Sargent Tiberius-]

Little is known about the Origins of The Champions as all their records were destroyed in a catastrophy that shook the chapter. However, the common theory is that they were formed somewhere between the 4th and 12th foundings.

I thought that the chapters must be approved or commisioned by the high lords of terra. Only the Emperor himself, or maybe a few high lords, can destroy records. After the dark age of technology the information and knowledge of the Imperium were safeguarded by various fallback plans in order to prevent any great loss of technology again. My point is there must be a good reason for the loss of records. Did the information get intercepted or destroyed before it reached Terra, or are you leaving it a mystery? Otherwise there would be copies. Correct me if im wrong, i forget where i heard that.

[Lysimachus]

Some nice points here Sol, good start.

 

The main issue with it is the obscure origins though. To quote:

 

the common theory is that they were formed somewhere between the 4th and 12th foundings.

 

Imperial records of The Champions history are very vague and much is guesswork, but it is known that the chapter landed on the planet Octrin merely 10 years after thier formation

 

So there's no idea as to when they were founded (to within several thousand years between 4th - 12th Foundings) but it's only ten years after their Founding that all their records were lost? Even if all the Chapter records were lost, and all the original Marines died...

 

which presumably they hadn't from this bit:

 

Before reaching Octrin, The Champions were involved in the chase of an Imperial Navy frigate that had turned to the renegades. The main ship of The Champions jumped into the warp, attempting to appear infront of the fleeing ship and slow it down enough to engage it. The ship wasn't seen for three days, until it zoomed out of the warp at high speed, crashing into a nearby sun and melting. An ejector pod was discovered on a nearby planet and inside was the only survivor of the warp, Joseph Cannus. In his arm he held the Codex Oracus, the only thing he had manadged to grab before the ship was destroyed.

 

The marine never spoke of what had happened inside the Warp and the Codex Oracus was made the sacred text of The Champions.

 

so there were others, I'm assuming not just the Chapter Master survived or he wouldn't have any Chapter to lead?

 

....anyway, even if all this happened, what happened in the space of ten years to all the other records and people who'd seen them/knew who they were, e.g. all the ones involved in creating the Chapter in the first place, AdTerra, AdMech, etc?

 

Some nice ideas, having their own Codex is interesting - how do they interact with other Chapters, especially strict Codex adherent ones?

 

good start, keep going!

 

Lysimachus

 

PersonalChallenge 2/30

 

Edit: Damn, ninja'd by Tiberius! :)

[Grand Master Tyrak]

Ok, either go with the Codex Astartes or go with the Codex Oracus. It wouldn't work, imagine trying to play a game of W40k using the 5th ed rule book and the 2nd Ed rule both. In part they will be the same but they will also be wildly different. I'd go with the Codex Oracus, it could be a way of combat that was developed on Octrin which was develop for the astartes' needs.

 

Does it have to be a book on strategy and tactics? I read it rather like a collection of oracular statements, similar to the one that was made to the Athenians before the Battle of Salamis. It wasn't the basis for their way of warfare, but it did influence them without altering their way of warfare in that age.

[Argon]

First, let me say I like your Chapter colors. It's nice to see something other than black.

 

The Champions consider it their duty to the Emperor to ensure that all of these come true, even to the point of killing thousands of innocents.

 

Remember, "there", "their", and "they're" and start with "the". It's a nice thing to memorize.

 

Why has the =][=nquisiton not done anything about this? I'd think it would be hard to overlook Astartes dropping down onto a planet and killing thousands of innocent Imperial civilians.

 

The only reason such a paradise had never before been touched by the Imperium is because it is incredibly hard to get to due to it's 24 moons that whizz around the planet at extreme speeds.

 

The fastest orbit I know of is that of Mercury, and it has an orbit of 88 Earth days. It's also very close to the sun.

 

Unless these things orbit in a matter of hours, I think there would be time to get out of the way. Even then, I think there would still be enough time to avoid a moon, unless I'm overestimating the speed of Imperial ships.

 

 

most of their members have MK VIII 'Errant Armour', the newest model of Astartes ceramite.

 

 

 

Isn't Errant armor being given out to squad leaders in most Chapters due to its rarity? Granted, I did say most, and you do have a Forge World nearby. Still, I don't see why most of your guys would have armor that other Chapters are only giving to certain people.

 

drifting round its dying sun

 

 

 

The Catastrophy

Before reaching Octrin, The Champions were involved in the chase of an Imperial Navy frigate that had turned to the renegades. The main ship of The Champions jumped into the warp, attempting to appear infront of the fleeing ship and slow it down enough to engage it. The ship wasn't seen for three days, until it zoomed out of the warp at high speed, crashing into a nearby sun and melting. An ejector pod was discovered on a nearby planet and inside was the only survivor of the warp, Joseph Cannus. In his arm he held the Codex Oracus, the only thing he had manadged to grab before the ship was destroyed.

 

The marine never spoke of what had happened inside the Warp and the Codex Oracus was made the sacred text of The Champions.

 

First off, this needs to be closer to the top. It would be nice to know what happened, especially since you mention it in the first sentence.

 

This doesn't seem like something that would affect the Chapter as greatly as it did. One of their Battle-Barges crashed into a sun so they lost all their records and had to find a new homeworld? Did they only have the one ship? Most if not all new Chapters get a number of ships from the AdMech and possibly a few from their parent Chapter, so I'd think they'd have more than just the one ship. Why did they try to get in front of the ship instead of using their superior firepower? Why didn't the other Marines manage to escape if Brother Cannus had enough time to grab the Codex and make it to an escape pod?

 

There are a lot of questions here.

 

This is a good beginning, but it needs some work.

 

IRON GAUNTLET COMMENTS CHALLENGE: 3/20

[DarkUncle2003]

First off, the color scheme is phenomenal!

 

I would love to put paint to some of these fellows.

 

Drop the Ad. Mech planet nearby. They would seem more like champions the Further from the settled Imperium they are. Far away doesn't mean they are not well provisioned.

 

I also think that because of the book, a close and often rocky relationship with inquisitors may be appropriate. They may even be the source of the 'catastrophe'.

(those sly dogs).

 

Challenge 1:5/20

[Solomon de Gravier]

Ok, either go with the Codex Astartes or go with the Codex Oracus. It wouldn't work using both, imagine trying to play a game of W40k using the 5th ed rule book and the 2nd Ed rule book. In part they will be the same but they will also be wildly different. I'd go with the Codex Oracus, it could be a way of combat that was developed on Octrin which was develop for the astartes' needs. (Possibly even penned by Brother Oracus ;) )

 

Oh, and sort the coding out ;)

 

I don't really think of the Codex Oracus as a book of tactics but as a book of riddles from another age that the 'scribes' of the chapter are always working furiously to decode. Good idea though.

 

 

if it is before the heresy, that might suggest them being a original legion. although i know that it isnt, maybe you should change the date. and maybe, can we have some of these prophceys? maybe an account of what happened to make one come true? and what do they state? battles? deaths? chapter glory? etc ^_^

 

Iron Gauntlet: 5/20

 

There is a prophecy at the top of the page that The Champions think holds thier destiny. i'll put it here as well:

 

'And so it came to pass that the Knights of the South rose from thier age old sleep and smote the enemies of thier fair Emperor. And he rewarded them. The great Lords of the land lay down thier weapons to the Angels of Death and all was at peace once more. It was then that the Knights looked up at the stars, for what glories would come to those who conquered the sky?'- CODEX ORACUS, page C, entry V, The Redeemed

 

Ace:The Codex Oracus is an ancient document that hasn't only been with The Champons. It was passed down to them by thier forebears and just because the basis of the chapter is old dosn't mean the chapter can't be new. It does say that the chapter was founded between the 4th and 12th foundings or something similiar and the Codex was passed down to them.

 

Ultimatejake: The codex Oracus isn't better than the Codex Astartes. It clearly states that they follow the Codex Astartes with devotion word by word.

 

Sorry, but I merely meant don't make it too OTT. You haven't did that yet, but it would be very easy to fall into making your chapter awesome. Which you haven't really done yet and nothing seems to glaring. But, it does needs to be fleshed out and some of the well article headings seem to clash so you might want to fix that up although that doesn't really affect your chapter.

 

But, as the others said I think we would all like a bit more on the chapter prophecies and such. But, so far it seems rather good.

 

Iron Gauntlet 5/20

 

Yeh i agree. I have tried to fall away from the 'mine is the best' routine but since I havn't fleshed it out very well it could easily collapse to the might of arrogance.

 

Little is known about the Origins of The Champions as all their records were destroyed in a catastrophy that shook the chapter. However, the common theory is that they were formed somewhere between the 4th and 12th foundings.

I thought that the chapters must be approved or commisioned by the high lords of terra. Only the Emperor himself, or maybe a few high lords, can destroy records. After the dark age of technology the information and knowledge of the Imperium were safeguarded by various fallback plans in order to prevent any great loss of technology again. My point is there must be a good reason for the loss of records. Did the information get intercepted or destroyed before it reached Terra, or are you leaving it a mystery? Otherwise there would be copies. Correct me if im wrong, i forget where i heard that.

 

I've tried to hint that maybe the records were destroyed by someone in high command much like the lost legions records to stop people knowing about them. i guess i havn't hinted very well though :D . i'll try to flesh it out a bit later on today.

 

Some nice points here Sol, good start.

 

The main issue with it is the obscure origins though. To quote:

 

the common theory is that they were formed somewhere between the 4th and 12th foundings.

 

Imperial records of The Champions history are very vague and much is guesswork, but it is known that the chapter landed on the planet Octrin merely 10 years after thier formation

 

So there's no idea as to when they were founded (to within several thousand years between 4th - 12th Foundings) but it's only ten years after their Founding that all their records were lost? Even if all the Chapter records were lost, and all the original Marines died...

 

which presumably they hadn't from this bit:

 

Before reaching Octrin, The Champions were involved in the chase of an Imperial Navy frigate that had turned to the renegades. The main ship of The Champions jumped into the warp, attempting to appear infront of the fleeing ship and slow it down enough to engage it. The ship wasn't seen for three days, until it zoomed out of the warp at high speed, crashing into a nearby sun and melting. An ejector pod was discovered on a nearby planet and inside was the only survivor of the warp, Joseph Cannus. In his arm he held the Codex Oracus, the only thing he had manadged to grab before the ship was destroyed.

 

The marine never spoke of what had happened inside the Warp and the Codex Oracus was made the sacred text of The Champions.

 

so there were others, I'm assuming not just the Chapter Master survived or he wouldn't have any Chapter to lead?

 

....anyway, even if all this happened, what happened in the space of ten years to all the other records and people who'd seen them/knew who they were, e.g. all the ones involved in creating the Chapter in the first place, AdTerra, AdMech, etc?

 

Some nice ideas, having their own Codex is interesting - how do they interact with other Chapters, especially strict Codex adherent ones?

 

good start, keep going!

 

Lysimachus

 

PersonalChallenge 2/30

 

Edit: Damn, ninja'd by Tiberius! :P

 

i havn't been clear enough have i?

they were founded between the 4th and 12th foundings but it is unknown when. ten years after they were founded they reached the planet octrin.

 

somewhere between bieng founded and reaching the planet half of the marines had been killed by something that happened inside the warp. only Joseph Cannus survived and so he was made Grand Master no. 1

 

Ok, either go with the Codex Astartes or go with the Codex Oracus. It wouldn't work, imagine trying to play a game of W40k using the 5th ed rule book and the 2nd Ed rule both. In part they will be the same but they will also be wildly different. I'd go with the Codex Oracus, it could be a way of combat that was developed on Octrin which was develop for the astartes' needs.

 

Does it have to be a book on strategy and tactics? I read it rather like a collection of oracular statements, similar to the one that was made to the Athenians before the Battle of Salamis. It wasn't the basis for their way of warfare, but it did influence them without altering their way of warfare in that age.

 

I don't think it is a tactical book at all. as stated above it's just a book of riddles that the deluded and broken Champions chapter follow without question because it was entrusted to them for a divine purpose (or so they think).

 

First, let me say I like your Chapter colors. It's nice to see something other than black.

 

The Champions consider it their duty to the Emperor to ensure that all of these come true, even to the point of killing thousands of innocents.

 

Remember, "there", "their", and "they're" and start with "the". It's a nice thing to memorize.

 

Why has the =][=nquisiton not done anything about this? I'd think it would be hard to overlook Astartes dropping down onto a planet and killing thousands of innocent Imperial civilians.

 

The only reason such a paradise had never before been touched by the Imperium is because it is incredibly hard to get to due to it's 24 moons that whizz around the planet at extreme speeds.

 

The fastest orbit I know of is that of Mercury, and it has an orbit of 88 Earth days. It's also very close to the sun.

 

Unless these things orbit in a matter of hours, I think there would be time to get out of the way. Even then, I think there would still be enough time to avoid a moon, unless I'm overestimating the speed of Imperial ships.

 

 

most of their members have MK VIII 'Errant Armour', the newest model of Astartes ceramite.

 

 

 

Isn't Errant armor being given out to squad leaders in most Chapters due to its rarity? Granted, I did say most, and you do have a Forge World nearby. Still, I don't see why most of your guys would have armor that other Chapters are only giving to certain people.

 

drifting round its dying sun

 

 

 

The Catastrophy

Before reaching Octrin, The Champions were involved in the chase of an Imperial Navy frigate that had turned to the renegades. The main ship of The Champions jumped into the warp, attempting to appear infront of the fleeing ship and slow it down enough to engage it. The ship wasn't seen for three days, until it zoomed out of the warp at high speed, crashing into a nearby sun and melting. An ejector pod was discovered on a nearby planet and inside was the only survivor of the warp, Joseph Cannus. In his arm he held the Codex Oracus, the only thing he had manadged to grab before the ship was destroyed.

 

The marine never spoke of what had happened inside the Warp and the Codex Oracus was made the sacred text of The Champions.

 

First off, this needs to be closer to the top. It would be nice to know what happened, especially since you mention it in the first sentence.

 

This doesn't seem like something that would affect the Chapter as greatly as it did. One of their Battle-Barges crashed into a sun so they lost all their records and had to find a new homeworld? Did they only have the one ship? Most if not all new Chapters get a number of ships from the AdMech and possibly a few from their parent Chapter, so I'd think they'd have more than just the one ship. Why did they try to get in front of the ship instead of using their superior firepower? Why didn't the other Marines manage to escape if Brother Cannus had enough time to grab the Codex and make it to an escape pod?

 

There are a lot of questions here.

 

This is a good beginning, but it needs some work.

 

IRON GAUNTLET COMMENTS CHALLENGE: 3/20

 

I wa sgoing to make them bitter enemies with Imquisition but havn't got round to it.

I will move that up to the top at some point today yep.

 

First off, the color scheme is phenomenal!

 

I would love to put paint to some of these fellows.

 

Drop the Ad. Mech planet nearby. They would seem more like champions the Further from the settled Imperium they are. Far away doesn't mean they are not well provisioned.

 

I also think that because of the book, a close and often rocky relationship with inquisitors may be appropriate. They may even be the source of the 'catastrophe'.

(those sly dogs).

 

Challenge 1:5/20

 

i'm gonna take part in the painting challenge as well so you can see that at the end of the year :lol:

[Solomon de Gravier]

Hope you like the second draft people!

[Brother Captain Josef]

"Even though The Champions have thier own feud, they still often tell Space Wolves and Dark Angels off for arguing and one Grand Master almost got his head chopped off for telling an Imperial Fist to calm down while interrogating an Iron Warrior."

 

This quote has honestly made my day.

 

I like the additions you have made since I read this earlier today and want to suggest you consider the following:

 

I would keep your chapter adherent to thier own codex. It would seem that their origins might be best as one of the First Founding Legions taking advantage of the two missing primarchs. Your Primarch could have sympathised with Russ and had his decendants follow his own teachings and codex. Adding a bit of extra fluff to their the reasons for their feud with the Inquisition rather than just butchering a load of civilians.

 

Cheers matey, keep up the good work!

[Solomon de Gravier]

"Even though The Champions have thier own feud, they still often tell Space Wolves and Dark Angels off for arguing and one Grand Master almost got his head chopped off for telling an Imperial Fist to calm down while interrogating an Iron Warrior."

 

This quote has honestly made my day.

 

I like the additions you have made since I read this earlier today and want to suggest you consider the following:

 

I would keep your chapter adherent to thier own codex. It would seem that their origins might be best as one of the First Founding Legions taking advantage of the two missing primarchs. Your Primarch could have sympathised with Russ and had his decendants follow his own teachings and codex. Adding a bit of extra fluff to their the reasons for their feud with the Inquisition rather than just butchering a load of civilians.

 

Cheers matey, keep up the good work!

 

1) Thier own codex is mere random prophecies and wacky sayings and most Champions don't even believe in it any more. The Champions follow the Codex Astartes with unyielding vigour because thier own is the ramblings of men long since dead.

 

2) My chapter is not a 1st founding chapter. It was founded after the 4th founding. I will add something on the Primarchs in a belief section when i make it.

 

3) If you read closly then you'll find that there is a fair bit of info on the feud spread between ramblings ;)

 

thanks everyone for the C&C

[Ferrus Manus]

You posted in mine, so I thought I'd return the favour...

 

Little is known about the origins of The Champions as all of thier records were destroyed.

Typo. And second, this is seen by most half experience Liberite to be lazy. A chapter's history helps define who they become. It can really add character to a Chapter, something you're missing out on.

It was at this point that the feud between the Inquisition and The Champions began. One that has never stoped.

Typo. Also, a feud with the Inquisition can only end badly for your guys. Just look at what happened to the Celestial Lions.

The only thing that is known is that they were founded after the 4th founding as all of the previous foundings have been acounted for.

Typo, and same as first point.

 

History

 

The Champions fleet was intercepted by a gathering Ork waargh! that took them unawares.

You mean WAAAGH! right? ;)

On another note your Chapter getting massacred is a bit cliched, it's been done hundreds of times. Granted it helps with the furtherance of your Chapter.

However, it is known that they flew around the Imperium,

Please don't use flew, it's a bit comic book-y. Maybe 'travelled'?

Most of them merely talk of small battles and light skirmishes but some tell of entire planets bieng destroyed and sectors wiped out.

Typo.

It is the existance of thisbook that has fed the ever-growing feud between The Champions and the Inquisition.

Typo. Also, they just exterminate entire planets? That would get you into serious trouble, like Excommunicate trouble.

The Inquisition sees the book as heresy because of it's control over The Champions while the Astartes argue back that it is a holy book,

No need for the apostrophe.

Various High Lords of Terra have looked through the book, studied it and even scanned it's pages for trace of Deamons and have found that it isn't heretical at all and yet the Inquisition still do not agree.

Your Chapter has had meetings with the High Lords? Seems a bit Mary Suicide to me.

The planet they landed on is called Octrin and is the only world in it's system, it's brothers and sisters having already deserted thier dying sun.

No need for the apostrophes, look out for this further down the article.

Opon landing, the marines were sen tout to scout for likely candidates to become the newest recruits.

You mean 'upon' and Typo.

So perfect that some of the more experienced Apothecaries suggested that the entire planet had been genetically engineered to create and train Astartes.

And your Chapter happens to stumble across such a perfect race? I smell Mary again

Without the Imperium and it's workforce to create a Fortress Monastry for them,

Monastery

 

Homeworld

 

It is so peaceful that The Champions hardly ever fight on thier own ground

Typo, remember 'their'

 

Organisation

 

On the battlefield, the Grand Champion takes the position of force Commander and his orders cancel out all others apart from those made by the Grand Master.

All others? Even his Captain? It's a bit against the chain of command.

 

Combat Doctrine

 

Close combat is favoured more among The Champions than the average chapter, although they don't shun tactical genius.

Just because they prefer close combat doesn't mean they aren't tactical geniuses. I think you mean 'they don't shun long range warfare.'

The champions follow the Codex Astartes very well and often set the exmple to other marines from different chapters during campaigns.

Typo.

 

The feud section should be near the start.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Sorry to seem harsh in places, I'm only trying to help really :)

 

You have a good groundwork, I think. But, I would suggest checking out some of the IAs in the Librarium just to see what sort of thing they put in each section, just to help you makes yours longer.

 

Iron Man Challenge: 3/20

[Solomon de Gravier]

That you Ferrus for your constructive critism :lol:

 

The only problem is that whenever I try to edit the original post an alert pops up saying that there is something wrong with the codes and that I can't edit it :o :huh: :P :( ;)

 

Mod help please?