Solomon de Gravier Posted January 10, 2010 Author Share Posted January 10, 2010 Maybe we might be getting a little off track. I'll give you till at least wednesday to look at other peoples DIY's until I update. Behold! The 3rd page! :P B) ;) :rolleyes: :huh: :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 yes "maybe" we are :rolleyes: sorry about that and good luck for the rest of your IA! i'll be watching closely! BB Ludovic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 Little is known about the origins of The Champions as all of their records were destroyed. The Inquisitor assigned to the case (Hector Rex) accused The Champions of this terrible act, saying that they did it to hide a heretical past, but the Higher members of the Inquisition denounced his theories. A chapter that was so new would not be able to even reach such valuable records. It was at this point that the feud between the Inquisition and The Champions began; one that has never stopped.Why do they wage a war against the whole Inquisition when it’s only one of them that accused them of destroying their archives ? Angry and exhausted, the chapter left the docks as soon as the ship was repaired blaming Hector for the attack. When they reached their chosen Homeworld they discovered that it was only a system away from one of the Inquisitions many strategic bases. In defiance, The Champions steered their ship away from the system and shot off into open space.I don’t really get the « In defiance, they… » part of it. Why would they run away from their homeworld ? again it’s just one Inquisitor not the whole Inquisition. It is the existence of this book that has fed the ever-growing feud between The Champions and Inquisitor Rex.You state here that it’s only with him…yet i get the impression in other parts it’s all Inquisitors… Various Inquisitors have looked through the book, studied it and even scanned its pages for trace of Daemons and have found that it isn't heretical at all and yet Inquisition Rex still does not agree.Typo. Inquisitor not Inquisition. (…) deserting their ship one of its many moons and Thunder hawking in.Something missing there… Apart from this, The champions follow the Codex Astartes very well and often set the example to other marines from different chapters during campaigns.There are different versions/interprétations of the Codex Astartes so they don’t really set an example as they may not have the same version as other Chapters. Speculations have been made but there is evidence to support all eight of the loyal primarchs and so no conclusion has yet been made.A bit too much as no other chapter has EVER had the gene-seed of more than two chapters. Slightly overkill. (…) to the point of the Inquisitor shooting a Champion right in the head in front of the entire chapter during a Chaos campaign.So why didn’t they kill him there and then, thus ending the feud and saving many more live, potentially ? (…)but The Champions do not hold any grudge against the Inquisition, it is Inquisitor Rex who they despise.So why did i get the impression of the opposite ? you haven’t written this very clearly…in my opinion. ok well, in my opinion there is quite a bit to re-write/clarify in all of this but you have a very good idea so keep going with it! my comments may seem harsh or unimportant but it's the things that bothered me the most. again, it's only my opinion so you don't have to change anything you like but i don't (obviously) anyway, as i said before i'll be watching! Iron Gauntlet Challenge 1: 2/20 BB Ludovic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solomon de Gravier Posted January 11, 2010 Author Share Posted January 11, 2010 What I've given so far hasn't been very good and most of the parts that I thought were integral to the chapter have been edited out. I'm thinking of going in a totally diferent direction to what I've written so far, which could send some people flying out of the window as I do a James Bond 360o turn :huh: Are people ok with a change? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrata Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 No, you must follow the path you first trud... Of course you are allowed to change your mind, if you weren't I would be stuck with the Roman-based Ferrata Legion that got wiped out, leaving only a company that tags along with the Imperial Fists (a terrible idea I know). Or the Wings of Death would all fall because their engines didn't work... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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